Would you be annoyed if your wife didn't change her name?

lazygal

Inspired by a thread in relationship issues. I haven't changed my name and never intend to. My husband never has an issue with it and didn't care, neither of our mums changed their names.

Zaph

Not in the slightest. I got married 2 months ago and my wife always intended changing her name, but that's her choice, not mine. If she wanted to keep her maiden name I'm not going to love her any less for it. I'd be more worried about myself if I was so insecure as to let something like that annoy me.

Irish_Elect_Eng

In general, it would not bother me.

My wife did partially change her name, kept her maiden name for work, changed it for most family stuff, her choice, it never came up for discussion.

But for those keeping their names, I wonder does it cause grief if the kids chose to use the other partners name.

For example.If a woman kept here maiden name of for example Roche perhaps, because she was an only daughter and then her kids decided to take their dads name Armstrong perhaps because he won more tours?

Goat the dote

Got married in Saturday, name changed in bank the Monday glad to have a new name

marshbaboon

Couldn't care less. If she wants it she can have it.

OU812

My wife intended not to, but it got ridicules, the amount of times she was denied information (eg bills) because she had a different name & there was no proof we were married.

The game-changer came when our eldest was a year old & we were travelling, she was told by a passport official that as our child had my surname, if anything happened me & we weren't travelling together, she wouldn't be allowed to take the child out of the country to return home without a letter stating from me that it was ok (& I'm apparently dead or gravely injured at this point). She was told that most countries would deny her travel in case it was a kidnapping. So she changed it.

I offered to change mine, but then we would have had to change the kid's too & to be honest, her surname is common as muck

MadsL

Most bizarre thing I heard recently was a woman who took her ex-husband's last name as her FIRST name and then changed her name on marrying to; (try keeping up now)

Ex husbands last name as first name Maiden Name(hyphen)2nd Husband's last name. :eek:

oldyouth

I would have had no problem with it. I'd much prefer someone to keep their maiden name that come out with that double barrelled shoite that some people seem keen on

lazygal

OU812 wrote: »

My wife intended not to, but it got ridicules, the amount of times she was denied information (eg bills) because she had a different name & there was no proof we were married.

The game-changer came when our eldest was a year old & we were travelling, she was told by a passport official that as our child had my surname, if anything happened me & we weren't travelling together, she wouldn't be allowed to take the child out of the country to return home without a letter stating from me that it was ok (& I'm apparently dead or gravely injured at this point). She was told that most countries would deny her travel in case it was a kidnapping. So she changed it.

I offered to change mine, but then we would have had to change the kid's too & to be honest, her surname is common as muck

My mum never changed her name and there was never any issue with me or my siblings travelling with her without our father. The only time it came up was when we travelled to America, the immigration official asked my mum if she was a guardian or parent. I don't know of any country that would deny a woman travel with the child she gave birth too, I'm sure there are lots of unmarried parents who travel with no problems with children of a different surname to them.

I just hear this 'travel is more convenient' thing a lot, and I don't think its a legitimate reason for one person to change their name for. I'm guessing a lot of men wouldn't even consider changing their names for the sake of travel being more convenient.

OU812

Well in our case it was in the last six years, so they may have tightened up on kids travelling. I think the issue is two fold, (1) prove you're the woman who gave birth to the child (umbilical cord still attached?) (2) even at that how can they be sire it's not a kidnapping/snatch?

Our eldest was the image of me until about 2.5/3. Had no resemblance to mom at all.

username123

OU812 wrote: »

The game-changer came when our eldest was a year old & we were travelling, she was told by a passport official that as our child had my surname, if anything happened me & we weren't travelling together, she wouldn't be allowed to take the child out of the country to return home without a letter stating from me that it was ok (& I'm apparently dead or gravely injured at this point). She was told that most countries would deny her travel in case it was a kidnapping. So she changed it.

This is basically saying that a child cannot travel without a same named parent or a letter from same named parent.

Surely children travel with aunts/uncles/teachers/sports coaches etc?
And surely a letter of consent could be written by anyone?

Whats to stop a same named ex wife kidnapping children? Or a same named aunt or uncle?

OU812

username123 wrote: »

This is basically saying that a child cannot travel without a same named parent or a letter from same named parent.

Surely children travel with aunts/uncles/teachers/sports coaches etc?
And surely a letter of consent could be written by anyone?

Whats to stop a same named ex wife kidnapping children? Or a same named aunt or uncle?

Haven't got a clue. Just reporting what we were told.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

My surname is Curley so no, I can't say I'd blame her.

My son or daughter, however, is stuck with it.

Pherekydes

The wife's had her name since we met and it was never an issue, even when we had kids. Now we're married she still has her own name. Never gave much thought to it.

I think it's a modern non-issue.

helimachoptor

Got married a month ago the MIL have a melt down when my wife said she wasnt changing her name, i couldnt give 2 $hits tbh but i'd say she'll change it if/when we have kids

username123

OU812 wrote: »

Haven't got a clue. Just reporting what we were told.

Just to add to the litany of possibilities, these days there are kids who travel with parents where its a 2nd marriage and the kids have their fathers name from the first marriage but the mother (and any new kids) have the name from the second marriage. Not that common in Ireland maybe (although I do know one family where this is true) but hugely common in countries like the UK/US.

Id say the passport official you spoke to was spouting rubbish tbh.

Pherekydes

username123 wrote: »

Just to add to the litany of possibilities, these days there are kids who travel with parents where its a 2nd marriage and the kids have their fathers name from the first marriage but the mother (and any new kids) have the name from the second marriage. Not that common in Ireland maybe (although I do know one family where this is true) but hugely common in countries like the UK/US.

Id say the passport official you spoke to was spouting rubbish tbh.

To add to this, my kids have been travelling with my wife, with or without me, since they were old enough to and there has never been an issue with the different surnames.

Sugar Free

Wouldn't care, up to them, certainly would never expect it.

Al Capwned

Mate of mine (a fella) got married two years or so ago to a swiss girl.
He took her surname.....

Odd, but sure what harm.

monkeysnapper

A friend of mine had a child with her boyfriend and the friends father insisted that she give the child the family surname , when she said no he told her he was going to change his will, she is a only child, ...she then had another child and gave it the family surname which is crazy,,,,,, ok I'm about to get back on topic, anyway she's getting married next year and the father wants the boyfriend to take her surname, It's absolutely unbelievable , what a cock her father is ,

False Prophet

Wouldnt mind as long as kids had my surname (i would even let the kids have her surname as long as 1.It was an Irish surname 2.she was a 8+ in the rating scales;) )

the_syco

I like my surname, so either keep mine, or double-barrel mine and hers.

Bassfish

Getting married next year and she wants to take my name. I said from the start that I didn't mind either way but I'd be lying if I said i wasn't pleased she's changing her name. We both like the idea of being Mr. & Mrs. .....
If she felt strongly about keepIng her own name, I'd have no problem but when it comes to having kids, I can't stand double barrel surnames in children. When I was growing up the only children that had double barrel surnames were the kids whose parents were divorced or whose parents were snobs from prominent families. Each to their own and all that but I couldn't abide it.

MadsL

alproctor wrote: »

Mate of mine (a fella) got married two years or so ago to a swiss girl.
He took her surname.....

Odd, but sure what harm.

*cracks whip*
He might like it?

Diapason

She didn't and I'm not.

Micky Dolenz

Have no issue with it. It is common place for women to keep their maiden name for practical reasons, work etc.

A mate of mine married a man with the exact same name as her brother, so no need to change surnames. I'm pretty sure they weren't related before they tied the knot.:p

Pawwed Rig

MadsL wrote: »

Most bizarre thing I heard recently was a woman who took her ex-husband's last name as her FIRST name and then changed her name on marrying to; (try keeping up now)

Ex husbands last name as first name Maiden Name(hyphen)2nd Husband's last name. :eek:

Could you say that again?
If I understand correctly it is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard:D

My wife took my name but I told here it didn't matter either way to me what she wanted to do. She is changing it as the opportunities present in that she kept her maiden name until she moved to a new job, any new bills go into the new name but the old ones stay as is. Her passport is still in her maiden name etc etc.
She didn't like her maiden name though so I am sure that helped in her decision.

Teferi

I know a lad who took his wife's name when they married due to her having a kid before they met. They didn't want (or couldn't?) to change the kids name so he took hers.

Personally, couldn't care less. She is welcome to my name if she wants it.

Giselle

username123 wrote: »

This is basically saying that a child cannot travel without a same named parent or a letter from same named parent.

Surely children travel with aunts/uncles/teachers/sports coaches etc?
And surely a letter of consent could be written by anyone?

Whats to stop a same named ex wife kidnapping children? Or a same named aunt or uncle?

I think this might have happened because the kid was named on his passport but not his mums?

If the kid has a passport of his own both parents have to sign permission in front of a Garda, and there's no issue with it going anywhere. I travelled with my aunt a good bit, with different surnames, but I had a separate passport.

I thought they'd stopped putting kids on parents passports years ago though, so maybe I'm wrong.

username123

Giselle wrote: »

I think this might have happened because the kid was named on his passport but not his mums?

If the kid has a passport of his own both parents have to sign permission in front of a Garda, and there's no issue with it going anywhere. I travelled with my aunt a good bit, with different surnames, but I had a separate passport.

I thought they'd stopped putting kids on parents passports years ago though, so maybe I'm wrong.

Ah. That does make more sense. Yeah, I think you are right re seperate passports for kids.

Mickey Dazzler

I am quite traditional and if my wife did not take my name it would be a deal breaker for me. I would be bitterly disappointed.

username123

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

I am quite traditional and if my wife did not take my name it would be a deal breaker for me. I would be bitterly disappointed.

Really? No judgement btw, just honestly curious - if you feel this strongly about it, do you not see that a woman might also feel so strongly about not changing her name?

The Big Red Button

If I were to ever get married, I wouldn't expect my husband to change his name. And I'd be surprised and annoyed if he expected me to change mine. I mean, it's my name, it's a massive part of me, and of my identity.

I'm not saying I definitely wouldn't ever change it - I can see how, if kids were involved, it might make things more straightforward. So maybe I'd consider it.

It shouldn't automatically be expected, though, in my opinion.

Pawwed Rig

I don't think it is anymore though. A good amount of girls I know kept their own names (I hate the term Maiden name:D). Even changing it can be a pain in the arse. My good wife was told that if she changed her name at her previous job she would essentially have to contact ALL of her clients with her new e-mail address, re apply for every permission on the IT system again, every password, swipe access to buildings, new ID cards. She couldn't be arsed

Fenian Army

I'd like her to but it I wouldnt be annoyed if she wanted to keep her name.

Would be upset if she wanted to give the kids her name and god forbid if she wanted to double barrel

lazygal

Fenian Army wrote: »

I'd like her to but it I wouldnt be annoyed if she wanted to keep her name.

Would be upset if she wanted to give the kids her name and god forbid if she wanted to double barrel

Why would you like her to change her name?

Why would you be upset if she wanted to include her name in the children's surname? And why the objection to a double barrell name? Our child has one because she came from both of us, I wouldn't write a report with someone else in work and only put his name on it, so why wouldn't I want my name for my child?


If a guy I knew had sentiments like that I'd think he was a bit of a control freak with a slightly unhealthy sense of superiority about his surname.

Pawwed Rig

lazygal wrote: »

If a guy I knew had sentiments like that I'd think he was a bit of a control freak with a slightly unhealthy sense of superiority about his surname.

I don't think that is a fair statement for what has rightly or wrongly been the accepted way of doing things in Ireland for a long time.

I agree with Fenian Army about the double barrel. Taking it to it's logical conclusion when Junior Lazygal-Lazyguy meets a nice girl called Jnr Motivated-Energetic should they become
Mr and Mrs Lazygal-Lazyguy-Motivated-Energetic and what of the next generation?

A birth cert is not a report card:rolleyes:

I am not advocating either the wife or the husband changing their name but give the kids one or the other.

username123

lazygal wrote: »

And why the objection to a double barrell name? Our child has one because she came from both of us, I wouldn't write a report with someone else in work and only put his name on it, so why wouldn't I want my name for my child?

Im always mildly amused at these 'name change' threads.

Personally I wouldnt mind if my child had a name totally unrelated to my own, my child would still be my child, I wouldnt need my name there for me to know that.

I dont like double barrell names just because they sound silly and unless someone compromises further down the marriage line you could end up with some unfortunate who is burdened with a long string of names like Jack Double-Barrell-Double-Barrell-Double-Barrell-Smith-Jones.

I dont have a strong sense of identity about my name though and I have never minded what people call me so long as I know its me they are calling.

I use both my married name and single name in different situations, its fine with me if someone refers to me as Ms Single or as Mrs Married, Im still me.

juan.kerr

Wouldn't care. Would be more concerned if she chose to go for the double barreled variant of both names for what it says about her.

source

Recently married, wife didn't take my name, I have to say I was a bit disappointed, but I got over it fairly quickly.

We have discussed it and have agreed that the kids will have my name. I come from a small family and am the only male descendent in my generation. So unless my kids have my name, my family name dies with me.

Its as important to me that our kids have my name, as it is to her that she keep her name. A relationship and especially a marriage us supposed to be about compromise and sharing.

I don't understand the "ha ha you can't double barrel then someone will end up with 5 names" response. How many double barrel named people are out there? Loads. How many have 5 names? None.
Just as it can be an individual decision/couple's decision to start a double barrel, it'll be someone else's decision what they want to do IF they get married later in life. You're not giving them some name they can't ever change or dictating to them that they must follow your lead.

monkeypants

I was more annoyed when she did change it. I keep using her maiden name.

username123

juan.kerr wrote: »

Would be more concerned if she chose to go for the double barreled variant of both names for what it says about her.

What does it say about her?!?

username123

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't understand the "ha ha you can't double barrel then someone will end up with 5 names" response. How many double barrel named people are out there? Loads. How many have 5 names? None.
Just as it can be an individual decision/couple's decision to start a double barrel, it'll be someone else's decision what they want to do IF they get married later in life. You're not giving them some name they can't ever change or dictating to them that they must follow your lead.

The above also undermines the reasoning in favour of double barrels.

Do people not do it because they wish their name to carry on?

So if everyone felt that way you would end up with long silly names. But if people go on to drop a name later on then whats the point in doing the double barrel in the first place? The name that the original person wanted to carry on is gone anyway in that case. So whats the point in double barrels?

Incidentally, I dont actually know anyone with a double barrel name.

Pawwed Rig

bluewolf wrote: »

I don't understand the "ha ha you can't double barrel then someone will end up with 5 names" response. How many double barrel named people are out there? Loads. How many have 5 names? None.
Just as it can be an individual decision/couple's decision to start a double barrel, it'll be someone else's decision what they want to do IF they get married later in life. You're not giving them some name they can't ever change or dictating to them that they must follow your lead.

It would be to take the point to an extreme conclusion I admit. But on marriage then do you drop one of the double barrelled names in favour of your new wife/husbands name? The girl who posted was strongly opposed to the child not bearing her name. Is she going to be upset/betrayed later if her name is dropped?

Pawwed Rig

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It would be to take the point to an extreme conclusion I admit. But on marriage then do you drop one of the double barrelled names in favour of your new wife/husbands name? The girl who posted was strongly opposed to the child not bearing her name. Is she going to be upset/betrayed later if her name is dropped?

But this is assuming the child even gets married in the first place. Maybe that child if/when they do, eventually being an independent adult who can make their own decisions, will decide to keep their name. Maybe they won't.
Wanting your underage child to bear your name is different to when they're an adult, leaving the nest, and making their own life choices...

username123 wrote: »

The above also undermines the reasoning in favour of double barrels.

Do people not do it because they wish their name to carry on?

Taking someone else's name can also be because they want their name to carry on. But then they might have a child who changes their name later on as well. It applies in any of these name situations; I'm just confused as to why these extra arguments which *could* apply to all situations are only applied to double barrels.
Nobody is expecting kids to do exactly the same thing forever whether you take someone else's name, don't, or double barrel.

juan.kerr

username123 wrote: »

What does it say about her?!?

Snob?

username123

juan.kerr wrote: »

Snob?

Does it? I thought it said 'I want my name to carry on'.

Pawwed Rig

bluewolf wrote: »

But this is assuming the child even gets married in the first place. Maybe that child if/when they do, eventually being an independent adult who can make their own decisions, will decide to keep their name. Maybe they won't.
Wanting your underage child to bear your name is different to when they're an adult, leaving the nest, and making their own life choices...

Ok lets assume that some child of some parent with a double barrelled name gets married at some stage:rolleyes:

The poster in question sounded pretty militant about her child bearing her name so to investigate the logical conclusion is a valid argument

Giselle

bluewolf wrote: »

Wanting your underage child to bear your name is different to when they're an adult, leaving the nest, and making their own life choices...

Yes, there's a big difference in deciding what you want to be called yourself, and having that decision imposed on you (and your mother) by your father, in the name of tradition. It should be everyone's personal choice.

Having said that, I'd probably take my husbands name if I got married.

juan.kerr

username123 wrote: »

Does it? I thought it said 'I want my name to carry on'.

Maybe, but any cases I've seen have been down to snobbery. Based on knowing the individual in question.