Please read.

normal lad

Ok I dont know what to do. 21 year old normal Irish lad. I have accepted I'm gay but so f**king scared of anyone finding out. I want to tell mates, came close to it once but it's unbelievably hard. I have a very wide group of friends between college and home so I feel I can't really tell one and not tell the rest of the group, but the thoughts of a large group of my mates suddenly knowing I'm gay, and then their parents know, old school mates, maybe neighbors etc etc makes me sick with fear. What the hell is wrong with me, should I not be able to embrace who I am?

It sounds dumb but what if my mates think I have somehow betrayed them for years, I'm extremely straight acting, we talk about girls a lot, I even shift them when I'm in clubs so none of my mates have a clue. Even yesterday in the pub they were asking me did I like such a one and we were passing comments on girls we saw, usual banter between lads in a pub "hey look at the t**s on her" etc etc and I played along...then if they find out I'm gay won't they think I was a dick to be lying to them for years?

I come from the country, in college in Dublin real normal lad not at all camp. Pub every Saturday, Mass on Sunday...that kind of thing.

I was chatting with a 31 year old on gaydar tonight (dunno why i joined really, out of curiosity I suppose) who was gay and not out, he said he never had a boyfriend
that no one knows his sexuality and now he is forced to browse a sleazy site looking for hook ups.
But that scared the bajasus out of me, what if I end up like that? sad and lonely in a one bed roomed flat somewhere hoping for the odd f**k if the opportunity arises. I think I'd kill myself, it really got me thinking, I don't want to spend any longer lying to friends and family. I'm gay, I fancy guys but why can't I tell people this??
I also chatted with a lad my age who is out and I was like well why can't I be like him, what does he have that I don't. I am very confident and outgoing, have absolutely fantastic friends of which I'm very thankful for, have a part time job, going to college. I have a really good life but this secret of mine is wrecking me, I think about being gay all the time.

Anyway I know there are lots of threads like this and that I'm not alone, but I still feel like I am. Why am I so afraid of people knowing I'm gay? Even last night I was chatting with a girl about people coming out and I could so easily have told her but didn't. I want to be happy, I want to meet someone and just enjoy my youth while being true to who I am, but I have to come out for this to happen. I'm not depressed just so pissed off that this has happened to me.

I am so sick of being scared, I don't want to be like this all my life. Seriously considering just telling people I'm gay but the fear is overwhelming and the thought of people thinking I've been untrue to them for so long also wrecks my head.
Don't know what to do, please help.

endacl

normal lad wrote: »

Ok I dont know what to do. 21 year old normal Irish lad. I have accepted I'm gay but so f**king scared of anyone finding out. I want to tell mates, came close to it once but it's unbelievably hard. I have a very wide group of friends between college and home so I feel I can't really tell one and not tell the rest of the group, but the thoughts of a large group of my mates suddenly knowing I'm gay, and then their parents know, old school mates, maybe neighbors etc etc makes me sick with fear. What the hell is wrong with me, should I not be able to embrace who I am?

It sounds dumb but what if my mates think I have somehow betrayed them for years, I'm extremely straight acting, we talk about girls a lot, I even shift them when I'm in clubs so none of my mates have a clue. Even yesterday in the pub they were asking me did I like such a one and we were passing comments on girls we saw, usual banter between lads in a pub "hey look at the t**s on her" etc etc and I played along...then if they find out I'm gay won't they think I was a dick to be lying to them for years?

I come from the country, in college in Dublin real normal lad not at all camp. Pub every Saturday, Mass on Sunday...that kind of thing.

I was chatting with a 31 year old on gaydar tonight (dunno why i joined really, out of curiosity I suppose) who was gay and not out, he said he never had a boyfriend
that no one knows his sexuality and now he is forced to browse a sleazy site looking for hook ups.
But that scared the bajasus out of me, what if I end up like that? sad and lonely in a one bed roomed flat somewhere hoping for the odd f**k if the opportunity arises. I think I'd kill myself, it really got me thinking, I don't want to spend any longer lying to friends and family. I'm gay, I fancy guys but why can't I tell people this??
I also chatted with a lad my age who is out and I was like well why can't I be like him, what does he have that I don't. I am very confident and outgoing, have absolutely fantastic friends of which I'm very thankful for, have a part time job, going to college. I have a really good life but this secret of mine is wrecking me, I think about being gay all the time.

Anyway I know there are lots of threads like this and that I'm not alone, but I still feel like I am. Why am I so afraid of people knowing I'm gay? Even last night I was chatting with a girl about people coming out and I could so easily have told her but didn't. I want to be happy, I want to meet someone and just enjoy my youth while being true to who I am, but I have to come out for this to happen. I'm not depressed just so pissed off that this has happened to me.

I am so sick of being scared, I don't want to be like this all my life. Seriously considering just telling people I'm gay but the fear is overwhelming and the thought of people thinking I've been untrue to them for so long also wrecks my head.
Don't know what to do, please help.

Hope this helps. I'm straight. If you were one of my friends and you told me, I'd be cool with it. Maybe a bit surprised, but cool with it. It's a big step for you personally, but maybe not such a huge step for your friends.

Live your life. Best of luck.

floggg

OP it's perfectly natural to be apprehensive about taking the first steps in coming out. The fear of everybody suddenly knowing and seeing you only as a label can be very intimidating.

However, while its hard at first it gets so much easier from he first time you tell somebody. You dont have to do it all at once. You can take it in baby steps.

Perhaps you could find one or two people you could trust to tell at first who you know would keep it to themselves. Once you can say it out loud you'll find it's a great relief of your shoulders.

After that, take it at your own pace. Whatever you are comfortable with.

While it may be a shock at first, people's perceptions of you won't change. They will often take their cue from you. Once they realise you are the same person you always were, things will quickly go back to normal after the initial shock.

I don't think they will see you as betraying them in any way. Anybody who reacts like that would have to be pretty self absorbed when they try to make this about them. After all you didn't make any promises or commitments to them, and you can still continue to engage in banter with them about passing females.

Perhaps if you explain how hard it was to come to terms with yourself they might realise it wasn't necessarily them you were lying to but yourself.

I think it's great that your facing up to this now. As you've recognised, living a lie for all of your life isn't healthy or constructive. Any short term difficultly you might face when coming out certainly outweighs the damage you do to yourself being afraid to live your life.

gwjones42

All that fear of people knowing about you is perfectly normal, so don't be too hard on yourself for feeling it, particularly at the age of 21......you're still so young.... (I only reached that stage when I was 28, having been thinking about it since I was a teenager).

In my experience, the fear of telling some people and then others finding out was directly related to my fear of my parents finding out. I couldn't start to fully relax into accepting myself as a gay man until I had told them......(and it had to be me telling them, not them finding out. I had to face the fear, because not facing it had made me feel like a coward for so long). It was the scariest thing I've EVER done (seriously!!!), but once it was done, nothing else could come close to making me as nervous. It's as if once I reached that high point of stress and anxiety, nothing could top it (I'm hoping at least!!). Since then, I'm a new man!!

Not knowing your family situation, I can't tell you that this is exactly what you need to do, but if it strikes a chord with you, I reckon you should seriously think about it.

If going straight to your parents sounds a bit abrupt and terrifying for you right now, then maybe you could start off with a brother/ sister or one trusted friend, just so you get the confidence boost of going through with it and then having someone to talk to......but don't stop there!

Best of luck!!! You're on the brink of finally being happy.......and you deserve it!!

G

i_steal_sheep

Take your time. Someone one said to me that there is no easy way to say a hard thing. There is no right way or wrong way to approach your situation, just to approach it at a pace that you are comfortable with. In my own case, I'd known I was gay for a very long time but I didn't understand it. One night I just cut it all loose and sat down with a friend of mine - he wasn't even what I would have considered a great mate at the time but he knew there was something 'missing' in me and we got talking. I just told him my story. His reaction was mighty. Don't beat yourself up over this thing. It does not define you. It's a small part of what makes you, you. Small steps my friend. Trust one friend and you will realise that you can start to enjoy your life and all that it has to offer you. We are all here for you...

Doop

As people have pointed out, you need to break it down into small steps. Facing the 'issue' in its entirety is very daunting, so take one piece at a time. A sibling may be the easiest to start off with or a solid friend you know you can trust.

For me I started with the friend, told him I had something to tell him...hence corning myself then said it, it can be incredibly difficult to get the words out but it has to be done. I have another friend who came out via a letter to his mum.... could be option.

I too had all those worries about neighbours and past friends etc finding out but in reality, the neighbours do not play a part in your life so you should worry about it. I'm sure mine have heard at this stage but its not as if we're close just a causal hello, its not as if they would ever say anything to you. You should only concern yourself with the people who you are close too and are relevant in your life. Deal with telling them and forget about everyone else.

I know its very easy to say this after having done it, but people really dont care. Its a huge issue to you yes but to them its just a little bit of additional info about someone they care about and love....regardless of who they're attracted to.

I wouldnt worry about the way you think your friends may think you have 'lied' to them. I was afraid of that too. But to them the banter about girls etc is so normal, it doesnt stand out in their memory the things you may or may not have said regards girls.
Also they will understand its a big issue for you and took time to process and in the meantime towed the line with regards to talkin about the opposite sex.

Its great that you really want to deal with it now... I let things drag on for a few more yrs than yourself, and its not fun constantly hiding and dodging questions etc. And you will need to face up to it at some point so if you feel ready then go for it, its a process which takes time.

You only get one life in this world and you're entitled to enjoy it, be comfortable, and have a chance at finding love just like everyone else.

Good luck!

mr.anonymous

OP,

I only came out to a friend 5 days ago. I completely understand your fears about doing this. I can't say I have the luxury of a wide group of friends, but I think it's quality not quantity that counts.

You could tell one person in confidence and not have it spread like a rumour. Telling someone you're gay isn't gossip. I'm sure people can appreciate that it's deeply personal and difficult to talk about. When you do tell someone, just stress that it's a big deal for you and that you will tell others in your own time. Because it's something that so many people have as a secret, I don't think your mates will feel you were insincere.

I'm 20, you're 21. You're definitely at the right time in your life to change what you want and live the way you want to live. It's a sure way to avoid sleazy hook-ups and perhaps find a meaningful relationship with someone who won't equate sex with a handshake.

Always be careful of the inhibitions your mind can create to give you extra reasons for holding back. Your mind is only ever able to see itself in the present situation, it's designed that way. When I was in secondary school, I thought I'd be shy and quiet for life, because that's what I was then. While, I haven't changed dramatically, I see small positive changes in myself that are reasuring progress towards the life I want and the person I want to be. Talking to someone new is no longer an awkward conversation followed by wondering what they thought of me, I don't care what other people think of me.

I can relate to being pissed off that this has happened to you, but being gay is not something you can change. It's simply a hormone imbalance in a foetus. You were born gay. Don't run away from it for life. Coming out will strengthen your individuality. At least do it for the feeling of a huge weight off your shoulders. I used to spend hours every day worrying about this, but I've got a lot more spare time since I grew a set for 20 seconds and told my friend a secret I'd had for eight years.

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! You're going to have to think about what you want, and nothing else. There comes a time when you have to do everything for you and no one else. Don't hang around waiting for life to present that time, make it yourself, now. I wrote a thread like this three weeks before I came out. You want something badly, and you're the only one who can make it happen, so why wait?

G-unit10

You've basically just given my own current situation OP. I'm 22 and just came out a few months ago to a close friend, nobody else as of yet. I'm straight-acting and within a bunch of straight lads- nites out, holidays etc just wishing I could be one of them and never considering telling them out of fear that they might think differently of me and also the associated 'dishonesty'.

After joining gaydar/grindr I realised that I have to forge out a proper life that I deserve and the fear of being lonely like a couple of men I've also got chatting to depressed me to the point where I had to get the ball rolling and tell my friend. It was a huge release and has given me the confidence start the process in the next while (now the stressful masters is finished). The parents will be a hard one but I'm sure my mates will just be fine with it. I'm not being funny, but my friend I came out to said he always suspected it because I'd never had actual sex with a girl- he was glad that I could start my life proper and I'm sure the rest of my friends will think the same. My only issue with it is the thought of everyone and their dog knowing it also strikes fear with me. Its something I'm going to have to deal with in the next few weeks as I'm determined to lead the happy life I deserve, just like all my straight friends. Thinking like that has helped me get to where I am, maybe it could work for you OP.

i_steal_sheep

G-unit10 wrote: »

My only issue with it is the thought of everyone and their dog knowing it also strikes fear with me. Its something I'm going to have to deal with in the next few weeks as I'm determined to lead the happy life I deserve,

Think about who matters. I'm sure that once your friends and family know, and you will have their support - that I can promise you, then fools who might have a problem with it - they don't count. You'll be happy out living your own life freely and they'll still be the ones with their problems. That's been my attitude towards it.

DubArk

You’re going through the exact reservations that I and others here have experienced before we came out! It’s the hardest thing about coming out because you go through every fukcen scenario about 100 times…. It’s a standing to your family and friends you’re so scared of loosing them, none of us want to be rejected. I’m not going to give you advice on how to do it…. just to do it… and move on!

normal lad

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for all the replies I really appreciate it. Certainly helps the situation anyway. Right now I'm thinking I'll tell some close friends when I'm back in college in a few weeks. Sounds scary to me but my mates are the best and we get along so well, surly only good could come from it.

I hope this empty feeling lifts when I tell them, suppose I wont know until I do it. Anyway I want to tell them and I will after that I'll see what path my life takes.
Its so cool to hear other stories from lads who are/were in my situation, really gives me courage.

Ciaran0

Tell one person who you can trust to not say anything first. It's the most amazing feeling when you do, a real weight off your shoulders. None of your friends should feel betrayed you haven't told them yet and they are decent people they definitely won't. It's your life, not theirs. Easiest way to go is one person at a time, and once you've told the important ones it becomes so much smaller an issue, almost insignificant! I hope it all works out well for you OP

1ZRed

I think what you're feeling is very normal and when you're one of the lads, the stakes seem higher. I found it very very hard to grasp my sexuality but once I did, I slowly started to get more and more agitated to tell people. I was a guy who was after girls and was getting with them, not entirely to throw off the scent but I was confused. I actually came out first to two random girls on a night out, don't know why I did it but it was something that was always on my mind. It was fine, and a non issue and I got told "all my best friends are gay, it's no big deal!" ( be prepared for that one :rolleyes::p) So that pumped me up a good bit and once I got home, I said fuck this shit I'm not going to hold this back because I was drinking more heavily and not enjoying myself because of it.

Anyway, I got the balls to tell my close friends a few months ago, although drunk, and they were a bit shocked but had no problem with it. Got a load of hugs and my best mate who is a guy, said he didn't care and still loved me no difference. It actually went so well, I didn't get why I was so fearful, but I understand, when you're not camp and you're a straight acting guy you don't want to be treated differently and lose everything but thankfully I wasn't. I'm still the same guy my mates go drinking with and I'm still one of the lads with fuck all of a difference, only that I'm gay. They don't care. Why should they just because I like guys doesn't mean I can't drink them all under the table or keep up with them.

Honestly man, you are in college and you seem to have so many things secure for yourself so it's a great time to come out because you'll have stability and the support I know it. You can take it very easy and tell a few people, all of my friends don't know I'm gay yet but the ones I have told have kept it quiet. They only have for so long because it's hardly an important secret worth gossiping about. I get that now, it's not a big deal. it's just getting to that point that's the real journey.

I know what you mean about those guys on gaydar and grindr, so afraid and living sleazy half life's and for what? Look at what you're doing to yourself by living like that, having a lonely life and taking so much dignity away from yourself. I wouldn't admire people like that and I wouldn't advise people to live like that either. Everyone should be above that and give themselves some self respect and a decent chance at a better life.

Really man, once you start this process it'll change everything, but all for the better. It's not so much that people will see or treat you differently, but you will change in yourself hugely and you'll feel a lot more powerful and finally be in total control of yourself and your life. You have so many advantages as you're in college, have yourself a good group of friends and enjoy your life so just give yourself this and it'll complete everything.

Getting over the fear is the hard part but then again, look at where the "easy route" gets you, a miserable life that's just a big lie. Which will be harder long term?

Aard

normal lad wrote: »

Right now I'm thinking I'll tell some close friends when I'm back in college in a few weeks.

DO THIS!

normal lad

Appreciate the replies, especially the guys who went to the effort to explain their take on coming out.

Last year, even a few months ago i convinced myself it was a phase and that the right girl would come along blah blah blah never happened. Now I have at least accepted I'm gay which was such a big step for me personally.

Where I am right now is actually revealing it to others. Biggest fear is that the lads will somehow see me differently, as their gay friend rather than the guy I have always been and always will be. Thoughts go around my head, stupid thoughts that I know are complete sh1te like what if they have a problem going to clubs with me or drinking at the bar or will our usual banter change due to my newly revealed sexuality. I don't want things to change, I want them to continue with our drinking games, perving on girls at the bar, shot shift shot game we have for the nightclub:P....just the usual stuff we have always done.

I have a lot of friends who are girls so I'm not too scared of telling them, mostly just my male mates and the idea that our friendship will change forever. Now I know it will change somewhat and I accept that but I still want to be one of the lads, just who happens to like guys.

All this is probably in my head, a result of years of denial? F**k it anyway I'm determined to get there eventually..

i_steal_sheep

normal lad wrote: »

Appreciate the replies, especially the guys who went to the effort to explain their take on coming out.

Last year, even a few months ago i convinced myself it was a phase and that the right girl would come along blah blah blah never happened. Now I have at least accepted I'm gay which was such a big step for me personally.

Where I am right now is actually revealing it to others. Biggest fear is that the lads will somehow see me differently, as their gay friend rather than the guy I have always been and always will be. Thoughts go around my head, stupid thoughts that I know are complete sh1te like what if they have a problem going to clubs with me or drinking at the bar or will our usual banter change due to my newly revealed sexuality. I don't want things to change, I want them to continue with our drinking games, perving on girls at the bar, shot shift shot game we have for the nightclub:P....just the usual stuff we have always done.

I have a lot of friends who are girls so I'm not too scared of telling them, mostly just my male mates and the idea that our friendship will change forever. Now I know it will change somewhat and I accept that but I still want to be one of the lads, just who happens to like guys.

All this is probably in my head, a result of years of denial? F**k it anyway I'm determined to get there eventually..

The most important thing for you to do is to remain true to yourself. I know in my own case, once I told my close mates - the craic on nights out was pure class and it still is. It was all the usual banter and messing but with some unreal pisstaking thrown in for good measure. It was the absolute opposite of what i expected ... In truth I was not sure what I expected but I'm sure as hell enjoying my life right now. It is a journey after all and you'll learn loads about yourself and life along the way - what you think matters and what actually matters. When you tell your mates, it's no harm to remember that you've had a few years to adjust to the idea of being gay - your mates on the other hand will be hearing it for the first time.

Notorioux

endacl wrote: »

Hope this helps. I'm straight. If you were one of my friends and you told me, I'd be cool with it. Maybe a bit surprised, but cool with it. It's a big step for you personally, but maybe not such a huge step for your friends.

Live your life. Best of luck.

I am absolutely with you on this. I don't ****ing know why being gay is still a huge deal to others. I am straight too and like endacl said if you're my mate I'd be surprise and absolutely be grand bout it. Just take it step by step telling your family, friends or whoever and stop over thinking things and you'll be grand.

bikeman1

i_steal_sheep wrote: »

normal lad wrote: »

Appreciate the replies, especially the guys who went to the effort to explain their take on coming out.

Last year, even a few months ago i convinced myself it was a phase and that the right girl would come along blah blah blah never happened. Now I have at least accepted I'm gay which was such a big step for me personally.

Where I am right now is actually revealing it to others. Biggest fear is that the lads will somehow see me differently, as their gay friend rather than the guy I have always been and always will be. Thoughts go around my head, stupid thoughts that I know are complete sh1te like what if they have a problem going to clubs with me or drinking at the bar or will our usual banter change due to my newly revealed sexuality. I don't want things to change, I want them to continue with our drinking games, perving on girls at the bar, shot shift shot game we have for the nightclub:P....just the usual stuff we have always done.

I have a lot of friends who are girls so I'm not too scared of telling them, mostly just my male mates and the idea that our friendship will change forever. Now I know it will change somewhat and I accept that but I still want to be one of the lads, just who happens to like guys.

All this is probably in my head, a result of years of denial? F**k it anyway I'm determined to get there eventually..

The most important thing for you to do is to remain true to yourself. I know in my own case, once I told my close mates - the craic on nights out was pure class and it still is. It was all the usual banter and messing but with some unreal pisstaking thrown in for good measure. It was the absolute opposite of what i expected ... In truth I was not sure what I expected but I'm sure as hell enjoying my life right now. It is a journey after all and you'll learn loads about yourself and life along the way - what you think matters and what actually matters. When you tell your mates, it's no harm to remember that you've had a few years to adjust to the idea of being gay - your mates on the other hand will be hearing it for the first time.

Hi Normal Lad,

Let me tell you where I come from. I too was surrounded by my very straight group of male friends, who even at some points used to regularly slag gay people. This used to upset me and I was so afraid of the reaction if I told some of them that I was gay. I thought some of them would completely isolate me from their lives because I was gay.

I came out to my three closest friends first which was great. And they helped me come to terms with it. I asked them to have a chat to the other lads and tell them my true story. It was great because the next time I saw them, it was like, oh you're gay. That's cool, we still love you all the same, and then just like that it was back to normal.

Now my bf joins in as normal and nobody bats an eyelid about me being gay. I haven't told everyone, just the people who need to know. Others find out, so what.

So don't over analyse it, and tell a few of your closest friends and build from there. There is no rush with this, but I can tell you at 23 now, from the other side, it is worth it.

manic mailman

Op, you're basically voicing the same concerns that I dealt with on a daily/weekly basis for the last 10 years. I've "known" since I was 13/14 and had much the same anxieties about coming out to my friends. Like you I have a fairly big group of college and 'home' mates (sometimes the line between is blurred for me but that's another kettle of fish).

I can't really give much more advice other than to try tell someone you trust in person seeing as that's what 'worked' for me. I've spent the better part of my teenage and early adulthood building up being gay as a really big issue for others but since I've started coming out to people, I've found these fears to be unfounded. It's a bit mad thinking back how much just telling a few close friends/family can help shift your perspective on things.

All who frequent this forum have more than likely gone through what you are going through right now in some shape or form, so don't feel the need to explain yourself or self-deprecate yourself - life is too short. I just wish I had come to this conclusion myself quicker! Feel free to PM if you want to chat or anything.

G'luck

endacl

Oh, well-chosen user name by the way...

ninty9er

normal lad wrote: »

Last year, even a few months ago i convinced myself it was a phase and that the right girl would come along blah blah blah never happened. Now I have at least accepted I'm gay which was such a big step for me personally.

I've definitely been there, deluded myself for a long time, but now I'm waiting for the right guy to come along. Not that I'm being lax about it

normal lad wrote: »

Where I am right now is actually revealing it to others. Biggest fear is that the lads will somehow see me differently, as their gay friend rather than the guy I have always been and always will be. Thoughts go around my head, stupid thoughts that I know are complete sh1te like what if they have a problem going to clubs with me or drinking at the bar or will our usual banter change due to my newly revealed sexuality. I don't want things to change, I want them to continue with our drinking games, perving on girls at the bar, shot shift shot game we have for the nightclub:P....just the usual stuff we have always done.

I'm not going to lie, your friends might see you as a "novelty" initially, but it's like being their friend with a car, or their friend with the great job, but life moves on and it doesn't take long for the "novelty" to wear off. Mine were a little awkward until I confirmed to them that they had nothing to worry about :rolleyes: Expect questions about "how would ya know a fella's gay?" - (my gaydar is ****e so I don't effing know). "Do you not just know it?" - silly questions, but ones worth being asked. It's been a humorous experience for me. The innuendo tends to be a little more intense on me when I've been talking to a guy in a pub or club, again novelty, but I'm quite an open person in some ways, so sometimes they get more than they bargained for when they ask me about guys:D

normal lad wrote: »

I have a lot of friends who are girls so I'm not too scared of telling them, mostly just my male mates and the idea that our friendship will change forever. Now I know it will change somewhat and I accept that but I still want to be one of the lads, just who happens to like guys.

It'll only be different if you act differently. Just be yourself and everything else will flow.

normal lad wrote: »

All this is probably in my head, a result of years of denial? F**k it anyway I'm determined to get there eventually..

And you will!

normal lad

Thought I might just post here again.

Well I told my two best mates I'm gay yesterday and now I'm not sure how to feel. They were kinda surprised and definitely didn't expect it but said it doesn't change anything, that they still love me and that it may have been a massive step for me but its not a big deal to them. They were very cool with it...even got a free pint for my troubles

It's a weird feeling, now that some of my friends know my biggest secret. I'm neither overly happy or upset that they know....it's all a bit surreal tbh. I'm still getting used to the whole idea myself and I decided that there would never be a perfect time to tell anyone so I just said here it goes and blurted it out.

Why don't I feel that great big rush of relief? maybe I haven't accepted it fully and that I have to be comfortable myself before I can be happy to reveal it to others? I was drunk when I said it to them wouldn't have had the courage otherwise, but now that the soberness has kicked I feel a bit confused as to whether or not it was the right time..

Any feedback would be nice.

baby and crumble

I've said it once and I've said it before. Coming out is a massive anti-climax. At least it was for me. It was like "oh yeah? Cool. I'm getting another drink, want one?" It this massive thing that has been in your head non stop for years, agonising you and making you confused and scared and miserable. But if you have good friends it will be an anti climax. It's a bit of a key down actually- this thing that has been MASSIVE to you actually isn't that big a deal. It's a bit sobering really!

But don't worry about it feeling a bit weird today. It happens a lot. Just enjoy the fact that you told people and the world didn't end. You know?

And we'll done.

1ZRed

normal lad wrote: »

Thought I might just post here again.

Well I told my two best mates I'm gay yesterday and now I'm not sure how to feel. They were kinda surprised and definitely didn't expect it but said it doesn't change anything, that they still love me and that it may have been a massive step for me but its not a big deal to them. They were very cool with it...even got a free pint for my troubles

It's a weird feeling, now that some of my friends know my biggest secret. I'm neither overly happy or upset that they know....it's all a bit surreal tbh. I'm still getting used to the whole idea myself and I decided that there would never be a perfect time to tell anyone so I just said here it goes and blurted it out.

Why don't I feel that great big rush of relief? maybe I haven't accepted it fully and that I have to be comfortable myself before I can be happy to reveal it to others? I was drunk when I said it to them wouldn't have had the courage otherwise, but now that the soberness has kicked I feel a bit confused as to whether or not it was the right time..

Any feedback would be nice.

You've just described what I did and how I felt afterwards. A big build up and suddenly it's all gone and you're left feeling "wft do I do now?"
I think it's just more the fact that you've been told "this will be a massive weight off your shoulders" and you expect that, but it doesn't come as much as you thought. That'll come, but it comes with more experience and having more confidence with yourself now that you're out.

I'm not fully out but I'm always getting there and things are improving all the time so you'll be sorted, just give it time to settle and sink in. You can go out with the lads now and just be yourself. Simple things but it's pretty cool not hiding anything and wrecking your head over it.

And yeah, I thought I came out the wrong way too while drunk and I might have done it differently looking back. Sure fuck it, I say I would have!
But anyway at all to get yourself going is only a good thing, and if it ended well then perfect.

Annasopra

normal lad wrote: »

Why don't I feel that great big rush of relief? maybe I haven't accepted it fully and that I have to be comfortable myself before I can be happy to reveal it to others? I was drunk when I said it to them wouldn't have had the courage otherwise, but now that the soberness has kicked I feel a bit confused as to whether or not it was the right time..

Lots of people feel like that afterwards - it's kind of like where being gay has been building up in your head for so long that coming out should be a form of letting go but in a way you still can't

Aurongroove

I've been there.

I admire you're courage. It took me years to even admit being gay to myself.

floggg

I guess I can't really remember how I felt after telling people, and whether it was a relief or not. I know there's a bit of confusion - nothing seems to have changed with your mates, yet you feel in your head that the world should have kinda shifted or something.

You do generally start to feel a relief and confidence as it sinks in that you are no longer letting yourself be trapped by your secret, that your not going to let other people's opinions dictate your life.

It will come, and you'll notice it in the little things. Just relax, and take it at your own pace. Just make ssure your comfortable with eveything and it will all fall into place.

Sir Pompous Righteousness

I'm still in a similar position to you before you came out OP. I'm 21 also and very closeted.

I was sorta willing to come out to one or two people outside my family at one point a couple of months ago, but not really anymore. I just can't let my family find out. I've being getting vibes from my father that make me feel he's quite homophobic; he suggested recently that gay people were basically pedophiles and a lot of them joined the priesthood as an excuse not to pursue women and that's why there was so much sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.

My mother's also very religious and she read Alive! Magazine - she once gave out to me a few years ago when I through it in the bin because she didn't get a chance to read it.

Any discussion of anything relating to sex or sexuality was and is utterly taboo around them and very awkward if it does come up. If the family ever watched a movie in the living room together and a couple appeared on screen kissing, my mother or father would turn over the channel or I'd walk out of the room with embarrassment at the earliest possible moment.

Talking to my parents is like talking to a concrete wall to be honest, so I don't see any hope in them accepting me as gay if I were to tell them. They're too caught up in their old ways. They were both reared in very catholic families in the west of Ireland - I have an uncle who's a priest FFS!

I think a lot of their behaviour has brushed off on me in a way. I'm closeted to the point that I have to watch my every move in public; my mannerism and general disposition or what I talk about with others. I was on a date with a guy once and we were walking down the street and I basically tried to act as affectionately cold as I could so that other people wouldn't suspect anything. If anything came up in a conversation when we were in public that would make someone suspect we were gay I would try my best to change the subject, especially if there were lots of people around.

Needless to say, I haven't been able to maintain any relationship longer than a few weeks because of my behaviour. I don't know why I behave this way, it's almost as if I think that everyone is going to see me as less of a human being if they find out and I know already that that's a foolish way of think. I don't need to be told that a majority of people are accepting of gay people, I know, but knowing that doesn't seem to motivate me to come out. I was raised on the notion that there was a certain accepted model to live your life and if you lived outside that model you were less of a person.

It's like I have some sort of internalized homophobia when I'm in public. It's like living in some totalitarian dystopic reality that I've made up in my head where I have to devoid myself of my emotions and true feelings for fear that someone might find out I'm gay. I've never been vocally homophobic or said anything against other gay people ever; I try my best not to be a hypocrite, I just don't discuss the issue.

I've made the conscious decision to emigrate when (if) I graduate, firstly because I probably won't be able to get a job here in Ireland and secondly because it will be easier for me to come out if I ever did. I'm thinking Canada as a place of choice. Then again, I'm probably building castles in the sky.

i_steal_sheep

Consider their reaction a testament to the strength of your friendship and loyalty to one another. You've had a lifetime to adjust to the idea - their engagement with it has been more instant. But well done to you for having the courage to tell them, no matter what the circumstances.

What you've just discovered, is that even though you've been on your own personal journey - beginning to understand and negotiate with your own sexuality, you've arrived at this point where you have told your best friends the story as it is and you've come to realise that there is no great trumpets blast or parting of the waters. It's no big deal to your friends because you are still you and all of the qualities that they've come to know and love about you as a person still stand. The great relief that you speak of, that will come in time because what happens now is that you can really start to live your live - free from that thing that's been holding you back. That's real happiness and freedom - take your time and enjoy it.

normal lad wrote: »

Thought I might just post here again.

Well I told my two best mates I'm gay yesterday and now I'm not sure how to feel. They were kinda surprised and definitely didn't expect it but said it doesn't change anything, that they still love me and that it may have been a massive step for me but its not a big deal to them. They were very cool with it...even got a free pint for my troubles

It's a weird feeling, now that some of my friends know my biggest secret. I'm neither overly happy or upset that they know....it's all a bit surreal tbh. I'm still getting used to the whole idea myself and I decided that there would never be a perfect time to tell anyone so I just said here it goes and blurted it out.

Why don't I feel that great big rush of relief? maybe I haven't accepted it fully and that I have to be comfortable myself before I can be happy to reveal it to others? I was drunk when I said it to them wouldn't have had the courage otherwise, but now that the soberness has kicked I feel a bit confused as to whether or not it was the right time..

Any feedback would be nice.

floggg

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

I'm still in a similar position to you before you came out OP. I'm 21 also and very closeted.

I was sorta willing to come out to one or two people outside my family at one point a couple of months ago, but not really anymore. I just can't let my family find out. I've being getting vibes from my father that make me feel he's quite homophobic; he suggested recently that gay people were basically pedophiles and a lot of them joined the priesthood as an excuse not to pursue women and that's why there was so much sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.

My mother's also very religious and she read Alive! Magazine - she once gave out to me a few years ago when I through it in the bin because she didn't get a chance to read it.

Any discussion of anything relating to sex or sexuality was and is utterly taboo around them and very awkward if it does come up. If the family ever watched a movie in the living room together and a couple appeared on screen kissing, my mother or father would turn over the channel or I'd walk out of the room with embarrassment at the earliest possible moment.

Talking to my parents is like talking to a concrete wall to be honest, so I don't see any hope in them accepting me as gay if I were to tell them. They're too caught up in their old ways. They were both reared in very catholic families in the west of Ireland - I have an uncle who's a priest FFS!

I think a lot of their behaviour has brushed off on me in a way. I'm closeted to the point that I have to watch my every move in public; my mannerism and general disposition or what I talk about with others. I was on a date with a guy once and we were walking down the street and I basically tried to act as affectionately cold as I could so that other people wouldn't suspect anything. If anything came up in a conversation when we were in public that would make someone suspect we were gay I would try my best to change the subject, especially if there were lots of people around.

Needless to say, I haven't been able to maintain any relationship longer than a few weeks because of my behaviour. I don't know why I behave this way, it's almost as if I think that everyone is going to see me as less of a human being if they find out and I know already that that's a foolish way of think. I don't need to be told that a majority of people are accepting of gay people, I know, but knowing that doesn't seem to motivate me to come out. I was raised on the notion that there was a certain accepted model to live your life and if you lived outside that model you were less of a person.

It's like I have some sort of internalized homophobia when I'm in public. It's like living in some totalitarian dystopic reality that I've made up in my head where I have to devoid myself of my emotions and true feelings for fear that someone might find out I'm gay. I've never been vocally homophobic or said anything against other gay people ever; I try my best not to be a hypocrite, I just don't discuss the issue.

I've made the conscious decision to emigrate when (if) I graduate, firstly because I probably won't be able to get a job here in Ireland and secondly because it will be easier for me to come out if I ever did. I'm thinking Canada as a place of choice. Then again, I'm probably building castles in the sky.

Sometimes your parents surprise you. Don't be so sure how they will react.


My parents are from a catholic family, west of Ireland born and raised, and my uncle is a priest. Yet the couldn't have been more accepting - in fact my mother gets angry at words like accepting as she says there is nothing to accept!

That said, they didn't read alive and my Dad did drunkenly confess to me that he was more or less an atheist recently - though that didn't stop him hauling us to mass every Sunday.

Of course I can't guarantee that your family will react that way. But if they don't, and they would rather you be miserable (whether by staying closeted or not being accepted) than put their love for you over their old fashioned beliefs and let you be yourself, then you have to ask are they worth the tremendous effort it takes from you to hide this for their sake?

Obviously it's up to you to decide how you handle this, but don't feel you have no choice but to leave the country. Especially if you we're to do that buy still end up living a double life on terms of staying closeted to your parents, friends and family back home.

Donnaghm

normal lad wrote: »

Ok I dont know what to do. 21 year old normal Irish lad. I have accepted I'm gay but so f**king scared of anyone finding out. I want to tell mates, came close to it once but it's unbelievably hard. I have a very wide group of friends between college and home so I feel I can't really tell one and not tell the rest of the group, but the thoughts of a large group of my mates suddenly knowing I'm gay, and then their parents know, old school mates, maybe neighbors etc etc makes me sick with fear. What the hell is wrong with me, should I not be able to embrace who I am?

It sounds dumb but what if my mates think I have somehow betrayed them for years, I'm extremely straight acting, we talk about girls a lot, I even shift them when I'm in clubs so none of my mates have a clue. Even yesterday in the pub they were asking me did I like such a one and we were passing comments on girls we saw, usual banter between lads in a pub "hey look at the t**s on her" etc etc and I played along...then if they find out I'm gay won't they think I was a dick to be lying to them for years?

I come from the country, in college in Dublin real normal lad not at all camp. Pub every Saturday, Mass on Sunday...that kind of thing.

I was chatting with a 31 year old on gaydar tonight (dunno why i joined really, out of curiosity I suppose) who was gay and not out, he said he never had a boyfriend
that no one knows his sexuality and now he is forced to browse a sleazy site looking for hook ups.
But that scared the bajasus out of me, what if I end up like that? sad and lonely in a one bed roomed flat somewhere hoping for the odd f**k if the opportunity arises. I think I'd kill myself, it really got me thinking, I don't want to spend any longer lying to friends and family. I'm gay, I fancy guys but why can't I tell people this??
I also chatted with a lad my age who is out and I was like well why can't I be like him, what does he have that I don't. I am very confident and outgoing, have absolutely fantastic friends of which I'm very thankful for, have a part time job, going to college. I have a really good life but this secret of mine is wrecking me, I think about being gay all the time.

Anyway I know there are lots of threads like this and that I'm not alone, but I still feel like I am. Why am I so afraid of people knowing I'm gay? Even last night I was chatting with a girl about people coming out and I could so easily have told her but didn't. I want to be happy, I want to meet someone and just enjoy my youth while being true to who I am, but I have to come out for this to happen. I'm not depressed just so pissed off that this has happened to me.

I am so sick of being scared, I don't want to be like this all my life. Seriously considering just telling people I'm gay but the fear is overwhelming and the thought of people thinking I've been untrue to them for so long also wrecks my head.
Don't know what to do, please help.

I'm from Kerry, and I grew up on a dairy farm. I came out when I was 21. I'm 25 now. I'm still petrified of ending up in one bedroom flats browsing sleezy sites looking for random hookups. *shudders*.

Anyway, I got the ball rolling by telling the friend that seems the most sensitive, understanding and open minded. When I told him, and was met by 100% acceptance/indifference, that got the ball rolling and I gained the courage to tell more and more people and probably never shut about it for a couple years. Nowadays, even my most ignorant of friends (the types that never leave their home village) know and couldn't care less. Most people, you'll find, are too fixated on their own problems to care.

normal lad

Thanks a mil for the replies..

I feel somewhat better now, I had my first night out tonight where some mates know I'm gay and to be honest I felt much more relaxed and at ease in comparison to before. What surprised me is that absolutely nothing has changed what so ever in relation to banter etc. I still have more mates to tell, nearly told a girl today in the canteen, but that will happen eventually.

I have a long way to go yet but have started the ball rolling, I just hope everything works put the way I want it to....planing on telling the rest of the lads soon enough but I'm still nervous as hell about that prospect.

I even scored some girl tonight that I met on the way into the club which probably confused the hell out of the two I confided in but that's just me I guess...I'm defo gay, not Bi, so I probably should lay of shifting girls..but to be honest it can be great fun:P

I'm not 100 percent content and I still wish to fu*k I were straight but I have to move on. I don't know what life has in store for me as I finally embrace who I am. I think meeting other gay guys would be a massive boost to my confidence but that can be difficult.
So far, gaydar is my only point of contact which in itself can be a bit depressing.. Anyways I'll keep going as best I can.

floggg

Are you in Dublin? The Dublin Devils are looking for new players, even if just for the social kick abouts on Sarurday. No footballing ability required!

If not the Devils then try the Warriors (rugby), front runners (running), wet n wild (general outdoor activity) and there's squash and tennis as well.

I'm sure there are loads of non-sporting groups too (just more of my type of thing).

Try those - you'll only end up with dates or hook-ups on places like gaydar, but you could probably use a few gay friends as much as anything else.