Is it my mother, or is it just me?

ShaShaBear

WhatNowForUs? wrote: »

Why do you keep putting yourself down.

I do? I'm an airhead when it comes to common sense. But that's a fact

WhatNowForUs?

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I do? I'm an airhead when it comes to common sense. But that's a fact

You do a little bit, however it's not needed.

For instance even if you are an airhead people who you know you well will know this about you and they will find it endeering, so if you did for example send out 20 invites to one household I'm sure the household will have a little chukle to themselves and say ah look at that Sha Sha Bear is at it again.

People don't have to be perfect they just have to try.

Good luck you sound like a really nice person.:)

ShaShaBear

I'm sure they would have gotten a laugh out of it, as would I. However, the Post Office that sells me those stamps would have the biggest laugh at all, which is what struck me the most when it was pointed out to me!

In any case, my mother rang me about the cake, and I tried a taste of Taltos' advice. I told her I thought a cake was a wonderful idea, but I really couldn't afford one. So I asked if she would like to get one made by a friend of hers back home as a present for the party, and I trust her judgement on it. Worked a charm!

Mighty_Mouse

First off, you don't have time for this crap.
You need to focus on your exams. Seriously.

You know what she is like.
Let her go nuts, it's just a party, who cares.
Tell her the nlaws are paying €250 for food & no more.
She picks up the bill for everthing else.
Tell your BF you couldn't give a toss which band plays & for him to leave you alone for the next 2 weeks.

Then forget about it, plug out of this argument, get studying & I promise you it will be alright on the night. It always is.

Have a night out in yer BF's hometown after the exams.
If your inlaws don't travel, so what, if the band are crap, so what?, if the pub burns down, so what.............all this nonsense is just not important.

Get your priorities straight & ask those around you to F-off and leave you alone!!

Ignore her antics, you know you won't win any of these stupid battles with her.

DaisyD2

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

First off, you don't have time for this crap.
You need to focus on your exams. Seriously.

-- Could not agree with this more, Mighty Mouse beat me to it.

Let her go nuts, it's just a party, who cares.
Tell her the nlaws are paying €250 for food & no more. She picks up the bill for everthing else.

-- Ditto on this but .... if you do it know that your going to have to put up with whatever she comes up with even if its Bollinger Champers that makes your inlaws feel bad cos they only donated €250

Then forget about it, plug out of this argument, get studying & I promise you it will be alright on the night. It always is.

-- Honestly it is, your exams on the other hand are a much bigger deal to your future happiness

If your inlaws don't travel, so what, if the band are crap, so what?, if the pub burns down, so what.............all this nonsense is just not important.

-- here here

Get your priorities straight & ask those around you to F-off and leave you alone!!

-- I'd have lost it long before now

Ignore her antics, you know you won't win any of these stupid battles with her.

Additionally I would like to wish you both the best for your future & one last piece of advice & its not elope but....

Make it a long engagement so that your out've college/exam/job hunting stress stage of life & can concentrate on organising the day YOU & OH want YOURSELVES because if you let your mother continue to take over you may not make it up the aisle, best of luck

deisemum

Toast4532 wrote: »

You'd be better off cancelling this party now before your mother gets any worse.

Inviting neighbours and their children, whom you don't know, is absolute madness and it's unfairly putting extra expense on your fiance's parents.

Your mother should be ashamed of her behaviour. Regardless of how many parties she has organised, he behaviour towards you and your fiance it utterly disgraceful.

Forcing your fiance to agree to a venue he didn't want, forcing you to have the party in your home town rather than a neutral venue, meaning your fiance's parents have to then pay for transport to/from that venue. Your mother is very demanding.

God help you when you are planning the wedding, she will rule every decision and when she doesn't get her own way she'll throw the tantrums she is throwing now.

I agree with this post, your mother's behaviour is disgraceful. Are you not ashamed and embarrassed at how rude she is abusing your future inlaws generosity? I'd be shocked if your future inlaws aren't already discussing how unreasonable and controlling your mother is. She's also extremely disrespectful to you and your fiance. Are you always going to let her away treating you and your fiance so badly?

Your mother is so used to getting her own way but you've also got to take ownership of your part in enabling it. If you actually asserted yourself more then you'd gain the experience of how to stand on your own two feet including gaining the experience how to organise things plus even if things didn't work out the way you envisioned at least you'd gain some experience in how to deal with set backs rather than be passive in life.


If I was your other half I'd see her behaviour as a taste of things to come, the wedding, children, baptisms, communions and confirmation if religious etc. and would give the future serious consideration. She's certainly living up to the "monster mother in law" title and embracing it for all she's worth.

As for the wedding I'd recommend organising the bulk of it and then present it to her as a fait accompli keeping a few harmless things for her to get involved in the organising.

I also think your future husband's wishes should take priority over your mother's especially as you're in agreement with him. He's the person you'll be making your commitment to.

MelanieD

your mother sounds just like my own. you really do need to reign her in or else she will continue to impose her ways on yourself and your OH for the rest of your married life. I dread to know what she'll like when you start a family. If you choose to talk to her directly and she looses the cool again, then simply walk away and let her know you will only deal with her when she calms down.
You're a grown adult, it's about time your mother treated you like one and give you the respect you're entitled to. good luck.

ShaShaBear

I don't plan to let her control the rest of my life with OH, she has told me she loves him to bits and is very happy I have decided to marry someone who loves and respects me. She has not given any indication as to interfering with wedding plans, nor would I let her. In fact, I am not really "letting" her now either, in the sense that I came here looking for advice to reign her in with minimal fighting, and have gotten advice that has been tested once today already and has seemed to work

I'm going to stick with this method until after the party, if it works then I'm sorted. If not, I'll threaten cancelling it. But I would prefer not to have a blazing row that I'm depressed over for the next few weeks.

Daisy M

I think you need to look at this as a lesson learned and never ever give your mother the opportunity to control your life again. You need to take control and organise your own life in future or accept that if you do not you are giving her the green light to take over and do things her way again. Your fiance is marrying you not your mother it will start to wear very thin if you allow this level of interference to be a common occurrence. Congrats on the engagement, best of luck with the exams and enjoy the party.

Taltos

Another trick to try is to change how you view this as realistically you can't change her.

eg No matter what she does - it's only because she cares and in her mind she thinks it is for the best but just cannot express why that is right now.

Few more things you can do.
1. Don't feel you have to give an answer to everything immediately, instead try "that sounds really sounds really good but I am up to my tonsils in xyz and I promise you once I have some time to think about it I will let you know - how about say 7pm tonight?" - but make sure whatever targets you set you meet or your lack of answer will be seen as either delaying / acceptance on what is proposed.
2. Don't start any answer with No or But or anything else negative - just puts her on the defensive - instead try "wow" or "I hadn't thought of that" or "Ah mum you're the best" - and finish with "let me check with my fiance to make sure he feels included too" or something else that gives you space.
3. Force yourself to smile on the phone - I am rotten at this - but it carries through on your tone - and it can really influence the other person on the phone.
4. As much as it grates - focus on the positive things she has done - loads of praise and thanks - just not too much or you will be seen as insincere.
5. Anything sticky - see 1 above and reserve the fiance card for when it is really needed...

Remember - keep telling yourself the following.
> she is only doing this because she cares - would she waste so much time if she didn't.
> she may be overcompensating here for the gift your future inlaws have given and needs to get validation for being a help
> as warped as it is - she may just need your recognition and attention - not saying it is logical but who knows... Just imagine a spoilt little child - you ignore the bad behaviour and reward the positive, bit like a puppy
> keep talking to your OH, vent when you need to but learn to draw a line under her actions and just accept that she is as she is and allowing her actions to rule yours serves no-one...

ShaShaBear

Thanks Taltos, I really appreciate that. Hilariously enough, a lot of that makes sense and it's stuff I didn't consider being blindsided by rage

LegacyUser

You need to tell your mother that you don't want to have this party.
When your exams are over I would tell your mother that you and your oh would like to have a nice meal out in //// ( local nice resturant) where both families could meet.
It will give her a chance to meet his parents and family and give you all a chance to know each other better by chatting.
You don't need every neighbour and person your mother talked to in the last 20 years there. Also expecting his family and who ever they want at this party to pay for travel/overnight stay is not fair. Also why should you have people you don't know there getting drunk and making comments to your, your oh, his parents and your mother.
Your mother may feel that this is the thing to do but you both need to tell her this is not happening. If you don't do this she will think that she can invite everyone she ever met to you wedding which you will end up paying for.
I would tell your mother that this is your life and not her's because if you don't she will continue to expect that she can rule your life. Your relationship will not last unless you do this as no man wants a mother in law who is continually butting in. My own family had a meal out in the local resturant when it came to meeting the in laws. It went well as they were all relaxed and could chat. This party will mean your mother sorting out things the whole night, worrying about stupid things and how will she deal with a drunk or the person with a few drinks who could say something embarrassing to the guests. Every party or wedding always has one idiot or a few idiots who let the rest of the group down.