Is it my mother, or is it just me?

ShaShaBear

Since myself and my OH got engaged, my mother decided that an engagement party would be a fantastic idea to help both of our families get together in a neutral environment and get to know one another. Me and OH had originally decided we didn't really want one, since I am sitting repeat exams to get into my final year in two weeks, and then I want to concentrate on my college work, and that finances at the moment would be better spent on getting a new place together. Since he's from Cavan, and I'm from Monaghan, and our families have not met, this seemed like a good idea. When his parents offered to pay for it, we decided to go ahead.

My mother's first stipulation was that the party needed to be in my hometown, it's the done thing and a lot of my family members would not be willing/able to travel to Cavan. OH agreed with this, and said he would organise a large bus or two to transport his folks to the venue and back. He had only one request with venue, and that was that he wanted a private function room where only guests would be admitted. My mother told us where we would be best having it, and it does not have a private function room at all.

After a lot of arguing over the phone (with OH in Cavan, myself in Louth where I live and my mother in Monaghan), the OH settled on the place my mother suggested, as it seemed the only place we could fit the approx. numbers and a band into, while getting food served from the venue itself. The manager promised that we would have an area to ourselves.

My mother, living in the area, went to speak to the manager to organise a booking with a list of approximate numbers. He said he would make the amount of food we were willing to pay for, and that he would supply music free of charge. My OH was apprehensive, and told me that we should really find out who the band is, as our family love a good shindig, and would want lively and varied music, with the opportunity to dance and sing. Would this band cater to that? Would they be tuned to a synthesiser and not allow for singers, or would they have a strict set and make no room for requests? Pandemonium. My mother hit the roof and there was an hour long screaming session on the phone about how stupid I was and I had no faith or trust in her because I was asking such offensive questions. I didn't get a word in edgeways other than that I felt it was a reasonable request to know who the band was. Obviously if my mother hadn't heard of them, how could she attest to their suitability?

Things cooled off, my mother said she would get in touch with the manager to finalise (after I sat down with my OH and convinced him the band chosen would be fine) and sent me a list she had done up of people to invite. There are people on this list Ive never even heard of. She's invited the neighbour's boy two doors down because he cuts my mother's grass. Said that there needed to be an equal number of guests both sides, and while I do get this, she has to remember that my OH's folks have to pay a tenner and ride in a bus for an hour just to get here, and that could cause folk to cancel, never mind other commitments that might mean them missing the bus and so not attending at all, while folks of mine can just pop their heads in the door and leave as they wish. Massacre. I've just been off the phone half an hour after another hour long screaming session, which actually had me sobbing so hard that the people living upstairs checked to see if I was alright.

Just after turning my phone back on, and her texts seemed reasonable, starting with my being utterly selfish and not considering how I'm risking her reputation and how embarrassed she would be if this party was a flop. I'm not really sure how a get-together of two families who are thrilled about the engagement of two people who love each other, with food, drink and music could possibly be a flop. She then told me I was being childish and letting the OH rule the roost (again, not sure how him bending to everything she says is ruling) and finally agreed to let us take it from here.

Now I'm getting given out to because I don't see the necessity for, nor can I afford a cake.

Am I missing something? Being selfish, childish, unreasonable? Sorry for long post, wanted to get as much of all sides of the story as possible :rolleyes:

username123

When someone else pays, this is what you get.

Why are you doing it at all? You said you dont want to.

I personally wouldnt entertain anyone, mother or anyone else, screaming at me, about anything. And certainly not for an hour.

The whole thing all sounds very dramatic and immature tbh. Dunno why any reasonable adult would put themselves through it.

Sleepy

Your mother's being a wagon.

My advice? Grin and bear it for the engagement party. Then start planning to elope.

Honestly, this woman will ruin your wedding for you otherwise. Let her have her tantrum when she hears you're eloping and, should you wish to, you could then offer her the "compromise" of the wedding planning being done entirely by yourself and your OH with her having no input except perhaps (again, if you feel like it) getting to nominate a set number of guests that you and your other half have agreed on.

ViveLaVie

It sounds like your mother is trying to do something nice but is getting caught up in it. I think she has lost sight of the point, which is to bring the two families together. Now she's only thinking of what so and so down the road will say and how good it'll look for her to organise the whole party. Inviting non-family is strange.

She has forgotten why she's having the party and only wants to have A party. If I were you I'd tell her calmly that unless the party is family only that it's off altogether.

ShaShaBear

Username, I agreed to it because neither of our families have met, even those that will be in-laws, and I do agree that it's an excellent idea for them to meet and get to know one another. With it not burdening me financially, it definitely didn't seem like such a bad idea. My mother has organised quite a few parties and I do trust her judgement, and if for one second I thought I was being the unreasonable one I would want to know about it! It's causing friction with me and my OH, I obviously want them to get along.

Don't want to elope at all, and definitely would like my mother at my wedding since she's supposed to be giving me away :rolleyes:

I just don't know why she's the one going mad, I thought that was meant to be my job!

*EDIT* ViveLaVie, this does sound more like her. I got the impression that she was trying to organise an 18th birthday for a kid, stressing over perfection and silly things like making sure the room looked full, and taking control because a kid might not manage.

beertons

You need to put your foot down fast. She'll take over your wedding preparations if you don't.

mr_edge_to_you

God help ya! And that's only the engagement party..... The whole thing sounds far too over the top. Try organising a wedding!!!

When I get engaged we just had a night on the town with our friends. Two weeks later we just had a dinner where my parents came up to my fiancées home place (as we were building a house there). It was only us and both sets of parents. The only times both full families have been in each others company was our wedding and daughters christening 2 years later.

I have to be honest, your situation sounds mental and you're trying to do exams as well? I'd abandon these mad plans and yourself and your fiancé should just bring the parents out for a meal at a neutral venue. It's up to yourselves to control and ownership of the situation.

P. Breathnach

Jaysus, girl, wait for the wedding: then things will really kick off!

It looks to me as if your mother has commandeered the centre stage position, and she's not going to give it up for anybody. Your OH's family are paying, and she's running the show: that's ridiculous. I suspect that she is getting away with it because people are trying to be nice, and that means not confronting bad behaviour. You seem to be alone in trying to moderate her behaviour, and you're getting all the flak. That's not fair, especially when you are trying to deal in the short term with important examinations.

Have you any family member whose support you can enlist to take some of the pressure off you? Is it too late to call off the party, or put calling it off on the agenda?

For your own peace of mind, try to concentrate on a couple of things: your short-term college goals, and your longer-term goal of making a life together with the man in your life.

ShaShaBear

In long-term experience that would take me hours and a publishing agent to write, my mother and I have had plenty of rows over things she has agreed to do for me or offered to do, and in the end she usually turned out to be right, and did a job I knew I couldn't do myself. Which I suppose is why I've let it get to this stage. Cancelling is on the agenda, was put there with the last argument, but honestly I can't imagine how my mother would react to that and her fury is something I would love not to deal with again until after these exams. My siblings are both much younger and my dad passed last year so she really is the only one I can speak to about mostly anything (hence, as I think a poster said, I am trying to keep the peace by not confronting this)

I just feel like, while in previous situations her control has turned out for the greater good, that she is going to far with this and doesn't seem to know who exactly, or what, the party is meant to be for.

Taltos

OP - I only have one suggestion - CANCEL it immediately - both you and your OH - together.
Your families don't have to meet, just on the wedding day - though from the above I too think eloping would be best.

Not kidding here - this is just the tip of the iceberg - it will only get worse. Cancel it - be clear why and inform all as to why.
At the end of the day - his parents are paying for this - your mother's behaviour seems more than a little excessive, and that is the most polite way I can put it.

One final thing - communicate on all of this with your OH - if it were me I would be looking at all this and doubts would be setting in - "what am I getting myself into here..."
Engagement - wedding - first child - christening - house move - the list goes on - both of you need to take control and show that no-one - NO-ONE tells you both how to live your lives...

P. Breathnach

Can you figure out what caused her to lose the run of herself?

[I am impressed by your ability to emphasise her past successes at a time when she is causing you so much grief.]

stargazer 68

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Username, I agreed to it because neither of our families have met, even those that will be in-laws, and I do agree that it's an excellent idea for them to meet and get to know one another.
.

Op not trying to be funny but why do they have to meet? I know people who never met until the day of the wedding and have never met since! It seems that your OH is getting railroaded into this and is basically being pushed aside to suit your mothers idea of what is 'the done thing'. Is that really how you want to start off?

username123

I dont understand why the families have to meet?

For me the main thing is the screaming abuse, I just wouldnt tolerate anyone treating me like that, over anything. Its dysfunctional to go along with someone who behaves like that.

ShaShaBear

Taltos, I feel like cancelling it now would cause a colossal that I really am not ready to deal with. I suppose it really isn't an option since I let it get this far. Well, for me it isn't an option - now is not the time for me to fall out with my mother, and while I do get that if she was any sort of mother, she'd forget about it in a few weeks, I don't want to deal with the in-between right now. I'm more hoping for some insight or advice on how to reign her in without making her feel inadequate. I do not want to elope under any circumstances, be it paid for or not. We've already chosen our venue, albeit a deposit, and have agreed on how we want the day to go. Eloping and leaving people out would upset both of us (I do get why you would suggest it though)

P. Breathnach, she has done this before, it's not new and I was expecting it, just not to this magnitude. The only thing I can think of is that my OH's parents are paying, and my mother is not close to that financially sound and might feel the need to "call" their payment, and "raise" them the hard work and effort? Originally, I thought her fretting over detail was her doing everything to make it perfect, but I cant help but feel it isn't about us any more. I can actually justify and settle on all arguments except the cake one. I actually laughed. I don't see why we need a cake.

Dovies, I don't feel they need to meet, more I want them to. OH's sister is to be a bridesmaid, as is my own sister. I would love for them to meet. I talk a lot about his parents and funny things they have done/said and nice things they have done for me, and I really just felt it would be nicer if my mum met them and saw why I love them so much. A meeting before the wedding was discussed even before we got engaged.

WhatNowForUs?

Use this as a learning curve. Expect and plan what is going to come down the line for the wedding preperations.

Acoshla

Our families hadn't met either, we reserved an area in our local on a night when a great band were playing, the pub provided free food and decoration, everyone showed up and had to pay nothing and just chatted and had a good time, there's too much pressure involved when one side is paying and not the couple, maybe your mum does feel she has to put in the work because they're paying. Whatever the reason is, I wouldn't go ahead with that party, and I'd definitely elope, she'll make your life hell planning a wedding.

ShaShaBear

As I've already said, neither myself or my OH want to elope. We might as well not get married at all, as get married in a way we specifically do not want to.

Sleepy

Like I said in the first post, all you can really do with the engagement party at this stage is grin and bear it. It's gone too far for you to reduce it without a massive strop and attempting to cancel the whole thing.

For the wedding preparations, make it very clear from the start that you're the one getting married and you'll be making all the decisions. Try avoid asking her advice and to avoid the row about the inevitable deluge of friends and neighbours she'll want to invite show her the guest list of which friends and family you're inviting and tell her she can have X amount of guests extra if she'd like to. Use your bridesmaids when you need assistance and keep the level of details your mother's aware of to a minimum.

On the Eloping thing, I merely suggested it as a bargaining tool: threaten the nuclear option and let yourself be talked down from the ledge kinda thing

ShaShaBear

Sleepy, I definitely take on board using it as a bargaining tool, but my mother is a sly old fox, and knows right well that from I was old enough to put on a princess dress and ask about princes, that I would never ever want to elope. I've expressed this so many times - my dad won't be there for my wedding, which is something it took me months to accept after he died, and excluding the rest of my family as well is something that pains me to no end. She knows that, only too well. But I will throw it in the works if needs be. But would never do it!

Irishbird, the only thing I am sure of without question, is that with my mother doing the organising, not a fleck of it will go wrong. She can spot a disaster from 20 miles away and if anything did go wrong, neither myself, the OH or any guests would ever be aware of it. She's excellent like that, and that's why I've given her reign in organising. It's the grief and sadness she's causing while doing it, which is more than Ive ever had to contend with, that I'm having the problem with. Dealing with her is hard!

P. Breathnach

So what you are telling us is that she is a superb organiser. The problem is that she wants to organise the party that she wants, not the party you want. [I would disagree with you on this: the best organiser is one who delivers what other people want.]

Is there any chance you could just leave it to her? Tell her to liaise with your OH's family, and undertake that you and your OH will turn up on the night. And cover your back by telling people that the party was organised for you, not by you.

You could tell your mother that you need to concentrate on your exams, and can't really get involved in party planning until you have them behind you.

It's tough on you that you lost your father last year, and that he is not around to share in your rejoicing. I'm sure that it is tough on her as well, and that might contribute to her acting like a diva. You can hope that your OH's family will cut her some slack in the circumstances.

ShaShaBear

While that is an excellent idea, she does need to liase with me as it is my OH who is organising things from the Cavan end, ie invitations and transport, as well as accommodation for people who don't want to get the bus back to Cavan at night. I feel like I'm starting to sound a bit like I'm the unbendable one here.

And she was just as much of a diva before my dad died, poor sod is probably in stitches, wherever he is :rolleyes:

If I gave her full reign, and didn't correspond on it, I think it would get wildly out of control. At present, in-laws are paying for food and champers, coming in at €250. My mother wants proper champers, a cake, loads of decorations, and more people on the list than that €250 caters for. I don't doubt it would be fabulous if I let her at it, but I do doubt who would be footing the bill for additional expenses on the night :P

I just don't see why, having taken on this organising completely of her own accord, that she can't just ring me, tell me the current craic, and then work around the new information I give her based on what I say. I really don't want to seem like I'm over-reacting (and the more I type, the more it sounds like I am) but I don't want to have any feelings or resentment or being upset associated with a really big day for me and OH

Ellsbells

You need to grow a pair (metaphorically) and dont take charity unless you are willing to be dictated to. You have let your mum walk all over you as a small child would. step up to the plate on behalf of your OH and have the party you both want.

Taltos

Hi OP

OK so if cancellations are off the ticket then you have a few options in my opinion.

1. Continue as is - but learn to let go and don't let the stress force you and your fiance apart.
2. Just let her get on with it - don't involve yourself in any of it - just turn up on the day and enjoy it. Let her organise it with his parents - this though is tricky and your families could both end up in trenches...
3. Talk - you and your OH go to her with a list of everything you have seen. Emphasise all of the good things - repeatedly but let her know that you both are concerned with the excesses and the moodiness (specific examples without blame are key) - you are both stressed enough and you need her to be there to help support you - yes you know she is trying but she might not be aware of the impact of certain language. Be careful how you do this talk - any hint of blame or "you said" / "you did" will backfire - instead try "when this band was chosen WE felt upset / frustrated etc" This is the tougher route - and you might need a mediator but if successful and if you phrase it correctly could set you all up on a better path for future events - i.e. help is welcome but interference will not be tolerated. Now chances are she will freak and cancel the whole thing blaming you - but if she does - just take out his parents for a lovely meal to celebrate and to thank them for their generous support.

All I can really say is best of luck OP - none of your choices are ideal but I really believe that sometimes you have to take the bully head-on - and yes - I do think that is a fair description of your mum - sorry.

ShaShaBear

His parents are paying for it as a gift, I wouldn't call it charity
Nor are they dictating anything.
I know I need to step up. I'm asking advice on how

ShaShaBear

Taltos wrote: »

Hi OP

OK so if cancellations are off the ticket then you have a few options in my opinion.

1. Continue as is - but learn to let go and don't let the stress force you and your fiance apart.
2. Just let her get on with it - don't involve yourself in any of it - just turn up on the day and enjoy it. Let her organise it with his parents - this though is tricky and your families could both end up in trenches...
3. Talk - you and your OH go to her with a list of everything you have seen. Emphasise all of the good things - repeatedly but her know that you both are concerned with the excesses and the moodiness - you are both stressed enough and you need her to be there to help support you - yes you know she is trying but she might not be aware of the impact of certain language. This is the tougher route - and you might need a mediator but if successful and if you phrase it correctly could set you all up on a better path for future events - i.e. help is welcome but interference will not be tolerated. Now chances are she will freak and cancel the whole thing blaming you - but if she does - just take out his parents for a lovely meal to celebrate and to thank them for their generous support.

All I can really say is best of luck OP - none of your choices are ideal but I really believe that sometimes you have to take the bully head-on - and yes - I do think that is a fair description of your mum - sorry.

We did actually plan to go and see her, 5 minutes down the road the sensors in my OH's gearbox broke, and we had to push the car back to my house. Needless to say, we both stropped about for a bit and then laughed at the silliness of it :rolleyes:

Thanks for that advice though, I could indeed cancel this party, but I think it would cause a divide even greater than rows scattered here and there, and since we have both told people we're having one, it would be embarrassing to tell people it's cancelled, and I certainly wouldn't like to tell people why, out of respect I suppose.

I'm just going to eat more chocolate and try and encourage her over the phone and tell her I love her idea, but would also like this etc etc. Dealing with her face to face at the minute is difficult due to the car breaking down and lack of public transport, but I do think encouraging her in what I do want might be a good way forward. I really appreciate her help, she thinks of things that wouldn't even cross my mind (eg sending invitations in an envelope per household instead of to every individual like my silly self would have done).

Like with an unruly working dog, I'm trying to find a way to let her do what she does best, but while taking note that I gave the order. That sounds awfully bossy, but its the only analogy I could think of

And yes, she is an awful bully - not offended by that statement of fact :P

Taltos

Whatever you do eventually decide here - make sure both you and your OH are fully agreed and have each others backs. Likewise phone chats about this are fraught with dangers - set aside time for the 3 of you to sit down to go through - review and agree on future plans.

This way no more - "she said" / "you agreed" / "you don't appreciate off of the hard work I am doing".

So - agree say time later in the week and sweeten it with a "how about we have a chinese afterwards" - or something else she enjoys to reward her but not in a way that has you trapped there for the night.

ShaShaBear

Unfortunately due to transport, if we do go down we are in fact stuck for the night, and the dog is left in my house alone

But I never thought of rewarding her efforts to encourage her to give me more of what I want, that's an excellent idea! I'm not a hot-headed person, but I'll try anything to stop the fighting that doesn't make me unhappy!
Given me a real insight into OH as well, he clearly has the patient of a saint :rolleyes:

Acoshla

Fair play to you if you don't want to elope after the grief of this party, I'd prefer to elope and have a wedding I didn't originally want than to have the wedding I wanted with her controlling everything and driving me to the brink of sanity. You're asking for advice but defending her and shooting down every bit of advice you're getting.

ShaShaBear

Acoshla wrote: »

Fair play to you if you don't want to elope after the grief of this party, I'd prefer to elope and have a wedding I didn't originally want than to have the wedding I wanted with her controlling everything and driving me to the brink of sanity. You're asking for advice but defending her and shooting down every bit of advice you're getting.

I am most certainly not shooting down every piece of advice I am getting. I took the advice of cancelling the party on board, as I said, and I have taken Taltos' advice on encouraging my mother in areas that I approve of. The only advice I did not take was eloping, and I explained why. It might be what you prefer, but it is not for me and OH.
I'm also not defending her, I fully admitted she is a diva and a bully, if you read what I said again. I simply asked for advice on dealing with her, I got some great advice and have posted below how grateful I am and how I plan to put the advice to good use. So I'm not really sure where you are getting the notion of defending her and shooting everyone's advice down

Toast4532

You'd be better off cancelling this party now before your mother gets any worse.

Inviting neighbours and their children, whom you don't know, is absolute madness and it's unfairly putting extra expense on your fiance's parents.

Your mother should be ashamed of her behaviour. Regardless of how many parties she has organised, he behaviour towards you and your fiance it utterly disgraceful.

Forcing your fiance to agree to a venue he didn't want, forcing you to have the party in your home town rather than a neutral venue, meaning your fiance's parents have to then pay for transport to/from that venue. Your mother is very demanding.

God help you when you are planning the wedding, she will rule every decision and when she doesn't get her own way she'll throw the tantrums she is throwing now.

WhatNowForUs?

ShaShaBear wrote: »

We did actually plan to go and see her, 5 minutes down the road the sensors in my OH's gearbox broke, and we had to push the car back to my house. Needless to say, we both stropped about for a bit and then laughed at the silliness of it :rolleyes:

Thanks for that advice though, I could indeed cancel this party, but I think it would cause a divide even greater than rows scattered here and there, and since we have both told people we're having one, it would be embarrassing to tell people it's cancelled, and I certainly wouldn't like to tell people why, out of respect I suppose.

I'm just going to eat more chocolate and try and encourage her over the phone and tell her I love her idea, but would also like this etc etc. Dealing with her face to face at the minute is difficult due to the car breaking down and lack of public transport, but I do think encouraging her in what I do want might be a good way forward. I really appreciate her help, she thinks of things that wouldn't even cross my mind (eg sending invitations in an envelope per household instead of to every individual like my silly self would have done).

Like with an unruly working dog, I'm trying to find a way to let her do what she does best, but while taking note that I gave the order. That sounds awfully bossy, but its the only analogy I could think of

And yes, she is an awful bully - not offended by that statement of fact :P

Why do you keep putting yourself down.