Your OH and email access?

IrishExpat

Mods: if this has been covered, please delete/merge.

I´ve been having a sort of relationship problem recently, stemming from herself and my email account(s), and wether or not to allow her access, or know the password.

Her logic; if you have nothing to hide, then what´s the problem?
My logic; I know that I´ve nothing to hide, and you need to trust me.

I have never once allowed family, friend, work-mate, boss, partner ... anyone, access to my email or social network accounts without me being present, simply as I see it as a line not to cross.

This may seem juvenile, but I´d like some other opinions on this one.

frag420

Hell no. is she wants naked pics of her sister then she should ask her sister!!

Diapason

My wife doesn't have the password to my email. She doesn't need it.

Jaxxy

Absolutely not. Your OH has a few issues.

Crann na Beatha

This post has been deleted.

Feisar

Surely you'd have set up an additional email account for any activities that she would have a problem with anyway?

Seems a bit pointless for her to have access purely to check up on you. If there was a reason an OH needed to send a mail from my account the no bother but purely to keep an eye? No way.

veronymus

I can't believe she is serious.

Think about it this way, when you receive an e-mail, the sender thinks he/she is e-mailing you, not you and your other half.

Feisar

Aquila wrote: »

Is she as forward with giving you her various passwords/access?

Yea, ask for her internet banking details!

KKkitty

Emails are boring so why would she want to see them. Has she given you her email account details?

KTRIC

I also cannot fathom why this would be necessary !!!

Tonyandthewhale

Tell her to feck off.

The Big Red Button

It's not so much to do with the trust between you and your partner. It's more to do with the fact that, when your friends send you messages, they are meant for you, and for you only.

If they wanted to chat about personal private matters with your girlfriend, then they'd text her instead. It's completely unfair, and a violation of their privacy, that you'd let her (or anyone else) see their messages.

For that matter, there may be personal private matters of your own that you might want to discuss with your friends, that are none of her business.

If she trusted you, then she wouldn't need your passwords as "proof" anyways.

Sykk

Jaxxy wrote: »

Absolutely not. Your OH has a few issues.

This. Insecure much? If she doesn't trust you then it ain't gonna work out in the long run. Less you're both strict catholic :pac:

IrishExpat

Aquila wrote: »

Is she as forward with giving you her various passwords/access?

Well, she´s offered and written down her email/facebook passwords, which I will never access. Because, well ... I´ve more productive things to be doing.

For now, my foot is firmly down and it´s a no go area. If I (in theory) ´was´ up to something, I´de be a bit more discreet (again, in theory) than use my primary email.

WhatNowForUs?

Just because you dont have anything to hide does not mean you are not allowed your privacy

TwoShedsJackson

Has she stated why she wants/needs access?

MistyCheese

*Sigh* First I need a boyfriend, then I can moan about how badly he treats me.

kingtiger

does she open your post as well?

Larbre34

IrishExpat wrote: »

Mods: if this has been covered, please delete/merge.

I´ve been having a sort of relationship problem recently, stemming from herself and my email account(s), and wether or not to allow her access, or know the password.

Her logic; if you have nothing to hide, then what´s the problem?
My logic; I know that I´ve nothing to hide, and you need to trust me.

I have never once allowed family, friend, work-mate, boss, partner ... anyone, access to my email or social network accounts without me being present, simply as I see it as a line not to cross.

This may seem juvenile, but I´d like some other opinions on this one.

Depends somewhat on the context in which her demand to access your email account arose.

I would consider my email as private as my post and would tell anyone the same. I would also consider it perfectly fine to have a couple of email addresses for handling online purchases, facebook crap and whatever else you want to do with your life

Just put it to her exactly the same way as you have put it to us and put the ball back in her court, she can either get over it or you can part ways. If you give an inch on some of these things you will lose miles

bbam

Wow.
When you say OH do you mean long term partner or married or what. We only have one email account that we both use. I fail to see why I'd need or want my own. Has been the same since we got email, must be over 12 years. We're together 18 years and from the start shared banking, credit cards, bills everything. Neither phone is password locked so texts aren't private either.
Just never seemed like a problem and honestly don't even remember making the decision.

foxyboxer

I have a great word for you: NO

You are entitled to Privacy.

seamus

It's one of those annoying things where your partner should never need to know your password and should never access your email without telling/asking you, but if you refuse to tell them your password then you appear to be a little bit unreasonable, as if you have something to hide.

I would have no problem with my wife logging onto my email or facebook account, because there's nothing there I would have any issue with her seeing.

I think the real key is the motive. If they're logging onto these things just to check up on you, then that's an issue and you're right to withhold your password.

But if you just withhold your password to prevent them checking up on you (without them having asked), then equally you're in a weird position because you don't trust them to know your password and not use it responsibly.

For example, today I logged onto my wife's email because she ordered something online and I wanted to get the tracking number for it to see where it is.
If she had gotten defensive and insisted that I can't have her password, I would instantly be suspicious because of her defensiveness.

I guess every relationship is different. For example, most of my family have a key to my house. That doesn't bother me. But I can see how it would bother some people because their family can't be trusted to not enter their house and snoop around.
Likewise, I can log onto my wife's email account, but I can be trusted not to go reading her mails. If I need specific information, I take it and I'm done.

Same with passwords. If you refuse to give your password to someone, you're tacitly implying that they can't be trusted to use that password responsibly.

The Big Red Button

IrishExpat wrote: »

Well, she´s offered and written down her email/facebook passwords, which I will never access. Because, well ... I´ve more productive things to be doing.

Would she be happy to announce publicly on Facebook that she has given you her passwords, and that you now have access to every private message that any friend/family member has ever sent to her?

I'd be pretty pissed off to know that any friend of mine would share my private information and conversations with a boyfriend like that. The fact that you're choosing not to look at her messages isn't really really relevant here ... the issue is that she seems to have such little respect for the privacy of her friends.

kfallon

Geebag alert!!!

Tombi!

Well she's very trusting.

You, on the other hand have every right to say "no" to anything personal.

But um, no I wouldn't ever give out my email password or Facebook or anything like that.

If she gets pissy with you the next thing you know is you have a very strongly worded letter sent to your job from your email and you get to explain why you think it's a good idea to give out your password to the nutjob partner.

stovelid

Of course I would not allow it.

That's would be grounds for dumping, for me.

Whatever about your own privacy, what about the privacy of anybody that mails you something that is supposed to be between you and them?


If you really don't want to dump her, set up a dummy account and give her the password to that.

Beano

bbam wrote: »

Wow.
When you say OH do you mean long term partner or married or what. We only have one email account that we both use. I fail to see why I'd need or want my own. Has been the same since we got email, must be over 12 years. We're together 18 years and from the start shared banking, credit cards, bills everything. Neither phone is password locked so texts aren't private either.
Just never seemed like a problem and honestly don't even remember making the decision.

Thats because it was made for you.

kfallon

Set up a dummy account and then tell her you'll give her the password, get her to sit down at the laptop while you spell out the p/w:

Y-O-U-R-E-A-C-L-I-T-B-A-G

Insane Rambling

She just wants to make sure you are reading all the grow your penis 4 inches in 4 weeks spam she keeps forwarding on to you.

IrishExpat

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

Diapason

IrishExpat wrote: »

When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek:

Dealbreaker, imo.

AnonoBoy

Deleting contacts off your phone because they have women's names?

Demanding access to your email account?

Time for someone to get a ticket to Dumpsville.


Seriously. How hot is she that you're putting up with that sort of nonsense?

foxyboxer

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

RED ALERT!!! RED ALERT!!!

kfallon

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

Don't do anything before you have watched the movie 'Fatal Attraction'.....and try not to crack one off to the scene in the sink :rolleyes: :pac:

D1stant

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

Shes a control freak. Dump her. Today

Ficheall

KKkitty wrote: »

Emails are boring so why would she want to see them.

Ah now. You're clearly on the wrong mailing lists. PM me your email address.

Jaxxy

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

:eek:

Wtf. Have you actually sat her down and explained to her just how totally unacceptable her behaviour is? No, she cannot read your emails, or your texts or delete random female contacts from your phone. How absurd!

You need to tell her this. Be honest and set the boundaries. If she continues to disrespect your privacy then you can decide if this is a deal-breaker or not. But give her the chance to explain her motivation. She sounds very insecure OP, and quite controlling as a result.

Odysseus

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

This is a bit much TBH, I would basically be sitting her down and telling her if this type of behaviour doesn't stop it's game over.

Was there really no behaviour like this before you moved in together?

WhatNowForUs?

Just because you dont have anything to hide does not mean you are not allowed your privacy

Larianne

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

Ah, you're having a laugh.

Boombastic

Tell her to cop on. She doesn't trust you.

billymitchell

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

Just have a chat with her about her trust issues with you. If she has no reason for not trusting you, tell her cop on or else you are off. If she does have reasons not to trust you, then you need to sort out, or she'll be off. T'isnt rocket science

EyesClosed

IrishExpat wrote: »

Honestly this, and a few other problems started nearly the second after we made the decision to move in together.

Example: two weeks back I noticed a few contacts missing from my phone (all female). When confronted about it, she confirmed that yes she had deleted the numbers, ´in case I was flirting´ :eek: They were business contacts, which I can´t get back so easily.

I´m in two minds here, tell her to cop on, or accept that this isn´t going to work. We´re together about a year, but living together for a bit less than 3 months.

The deleting contacts is completely insane, also the fact she wants all your details, IMO shows she has trust issues, this is her problem not yours, and you should not have to prove yourself to her, she either trusts you or doesn't. My answer to your question is NO, simply because she might start deleting your emails or replying to some.
I have been with my OH for 6 years, we both know each others Pin numbers for cards, Facebook passwords, unlock codes for phones etc.. But we never need them, and we didn't sit down one day and trade them, we have just needed them over the years, borrowing phones, sending Facebook messages, or using each others cards if we needed money and where stuck.

Head The Wall

seamus wrote: »

Same with passwords. If you refuse to give your password to someone, you're tacitly implying that they can't be trusted to use that password responsibly.

Oh yeah, in the mind of the woman that has asked this question you have something to hide. So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I had this issue with my OH about my bank pin, I told her if she ever needs to know it I will tell her and because of my work (IT) I am a stickler about security. It seems to have worked for now, although email access is a lot more of an issue and sounds like a major trust issue

foxyboxer

She deleted your numbers and nothing was done.
Now she's pushing the boundaries with access to emails.

She obviously has trust issues, either that or she's bat**** crazy.

IrishExpat

Odysseus wrote: »

Was there really no behaviour like this before you moved in together?

Not even a hint of it.

Fizman

When I read the OP, I put myself in his shoes and just let out a giggle at the thoughts of my gf asking me this. She'd be told where to go. Ridiculous request.

BizzyC

Tell her to cop on.

Complete pyshco behaviour

wildlifeboy

jesus christ. show her the door. that is really inexcusable. i would be spitting bile at her at this stage and i wouldnt be asking on boards what to do because its so darn obvious. tell her to get the boat now. what a stupid b1tch! fyi doesnt matter if she is hot. she will only get worse. perhaps its a case of reverse physchology to throw you off the scent of what she is at.

Morag

No, my partner would never ask for that anyway.
Even if I have nothing to hide from him, I get emails from people which are for my eyes only
and the personal things people share with me, are shared with me and not him.

kfallon

She must be a demon in the cot, otherwise she'd be long gone! Fingers in the hoop, ringstingers, the works I'd say :pac: