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MY EX IS DISTROYING MY LIFE. ........
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Munstermad wrote: »And what about the children if he takes off??? While prison and homelessness are terrifying prospects... they are very unlikely unless there is much more to it?? He is entitled to social welfare and rent allowance.... where does prison come into it, he is not a criminal..the courts use jail as a last resort for debtors...??? And in a nation of debtors how likely is this??
Well as I said before, I got the impression from the OP that he wanted to avoid paying the money to her cos she's a Colin hUNT. I am just telling him a few ways of doing it and since courts can can order payment from any EU country, he is left with going to work ouside the EU. He would avoid having to pay her and work opportunities are good there and it would be good career wise.
Presumably, after a number of years have elapsed on a maintenance claim, say 10 yrs or whatever, a claim would expire or whatever and he could return to Ireland if he so wishes without having to worry about being arrested at the airport.Given the OPs above description of he's ex, I wouldnt blame him for emigrating.0 -
OP I think you are getting bashed here rather unnecessarily. I have experience of both sides of the argument, and even so it is very clear that you are the victim here, along with your children who are growing up without their father.
I was a single mother for 3 years until I met my current partner. My kid's dad had no contact whatsoever, (his choice) and I received no maintenance from him. I got by on OPF payment alone and still managed to put myself through college (2 degrees) and raise my child quite well. This woman is not struggling to make ends meet with the payments she is getting. Factor in the rent relief, medical cards, legal aid etc. and she is better off that many working families. I know this from experience!
On the other side, my partner is going through a similar situation with his ex, mum of his 2 kids. She receives all of the above benefits, my partner pays her mortgage and pays her a very generous amount of maintenance, which leaves him borrowing money for the last 2 weeks of the month. On top of this her new partner is footing half of her remaining bills. And still she says how badly off she is, yet she is getting from my partner alone more than myself, him and my child have to live on after bills.
Judges in Ireland have far too much power and are way too biased towards women. Depending on the judge, and his mood, fathers often don't get a look in but yet are landed with huge financial responsibilities. Then are labelled as deadbeats because they are not involved in their child's upbringing etc.
I really feel for you OP, you are certainly not alone in this situation and I think a major overhaul of our family courts is desperately needed. Too many children and loving fathers are being separated from each other because of these judges and vindictive mothers.0 -
Munstermad wrote: »The welfare of the kids is whats most important, people scoring points off each other by denying access or witholding maintenance does happen, I agree... But who do you think suffers the most from this behaviour... the kids!!
Two wrongs don't make a right... I would have far more respect for someone or myself as a parent knowing I did the right thing by my children, despite the actions of the other parent...
I'm looking at this from a personal point of view where I was granted access and told to pay a weekly sum which was fine until the mother started denying access periodically, it was a case of being allowed to see the child for a few months then not at all for a year, this went on for 8 years.
She got married then and since then I was given no access so I stopped the payment, she has ruined any hope of me and that child's chances of ever having a proper relationship and at this stage I have given up hope, maybe my son is better off without all the disruption.
This isn't a decision I came to lightly and agonised over it for years but sometimes it's better to leave for the child's sake and hope that he understands when he's older, but at the same time I won't be paying her for the way she has gone about things.0 -
Honestly I don't see how she could be getting €530 pw from sw. Rules have changed and you can no longer get double payments so she can only get OPFA or disability. Either way her basic payment is same as yours but she would get €29,80 pw per child additional to you. She has no opportunity to work or study for a degree with childcare for 2. She will be stuck at home until kids are 7 at which stage she will be forced to look for f/t work if she is off disability. She will need to look for a job after years out of the workforce that will pay enough to fund childcare for 2 kids and where they accept she has no flexilbility to work outside creche /afterschool hours. Even now, if she wants to go anywhere she will have to pay to have the children minded all out of the additional €29.80 per week. And you think ytou have things tough? At least you have an end in sight. Honestly, the only way you can improve the situation for the 4 of you is to try to work cooperatively and share some of the care burden to allow both of you equal access to work/study. I appreciate it is difficult for anyone on social welfare at the moment but you have some money and an opportunity for education. The harsh reality is though you have responsibilities now and the two children are the priority now and any judge will treat them as such.
This was NOT my figure this was the figure SHE supplied to the courts on the last time we were in court. Yes i agree 100% BOTH parents should be told to cop on, pull themselves together and bring up the children with BOTH parents involved nevertheless many women using children as a weapon to get back at the father.
Also there is a MASSIVE difference with a person inability to pay and a person who refuses to pay. I NEVER REFUSED TO PAY, MY PAYMENTS WAS RELATIVE TO MY INCOME AND WHAT I COULD AFFORD.0 -
Giggernaut wrote: ».
Why did the op not agreed to the above assessment as it looks like it may have helped his case with regard to access?
I didnt agree based on i only new my ex a few weeks. I had handed over a vast amount of private information to the courts however the assessments looked for access to ALL my family and I medical and legal records.
I asked my family for this permission in this process and they refused based on the DATA PROTECTION ACT, and the CONFIDENTIAL ACT. They offered Garda Vetting, Police Cert, and permission to speak to the family GP as we had NOTHING to hide.
But given open access my entire family medical and legal files who i new a wet day is a step to far.0 -
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Jesus Shaves wrote: »Yes they have rights to their parents, but more often than not the mother stops the father from seeing his kids, that's where I wouldn't pay a penny.
If a father dont pay they are jailed for up to 3 months.0 -
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Jesus Shaves wrote: »I'm looking at this from a personal point of view where I was granted access and told to pay a weekly sum which was fine until the mother started denying access periodically, it was a case of being allowed to see the child for a few months then not at all for a year, this went on for 8 years.
She got married then and since then I was given no access so I stopped the payment, she has ruined any hope of me and that child's chances of ever having a proper relationship and at this stage I have given up hope, maybe my son is better off without all the disruption.
This isn't a decision I came to lightly and agonised over it for years but sometimes it's better to leave for the child's sake and hope that he understands when he's older, but at the same time I won't be paying her for the way she has gone about things.
Well if you dont pay she can have you jailed. Apoligies and your situation you come across like a great father. SORRY MAN0 -
IrishGuyCork wrote: »You obviously havent a clue what your on about. My ex is on benefit which is approx 21k a year. You say "Both of ye made these babies, both of ye have responsibilities...", i love when women play cards like these they refer to the father when seeking MONEY but as regarding bringing the children up they dont want the father involved. May i ask you, who gives ANY parent the right to say that cannot have their other biological parent in their live to some degree. IT SICK.
As regards my ex work ability, or lack of opportunuity to go to 3rd level education she just like some many women make social welfare and being a lone parent a "LIFE STYLE CHOICE". As for living a hard life bring up kids as a single parents i cant speak about others but my ex has a car, all mod cons in her house, is out partying 2-3 times a week, goes on 2 holidays a year and is given 21k a year of tax payers money.
There is alot of single mothers other their who work very hard, go to college, create a career to provide a better life for this kids. On the other hands you have some women using men as a sperm donor yes we have the children yes you pay money for them but NO YOU CANT SEE THEM.
I have been to MABS who also wrote letters to the courts as regards my inability to pay more then what i am. There is a difference between someone inability to pay and a person who doesnt want to pay.
GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT BEFORE YOU START GIVEN LECTURES.
I do actually know what I am talking about as an employed, mature student graduate, single mother to 3 amazing kids, also up to my neck in debt and on the verge of loosing my home, I am more than aware of the facts.
I have also been in and out of the courts system for the last few years.... And I would NEVER deny my childrens Dad access. Wheather he paid maintenance or not, weather he had the ability to or not.
Nobody has disputed the fact that you are paying maintenance btw...
I agreee that some women abuse the system, I agree that it is sick that they can stop a father seing his kids... So if you re-read my posts I am not argung this. But I don't get why you are not co-operating with the courts requests to facilitate your access???....
Your life may not have worked out the way you wanted, you are struggling... I get it, and maybe she has more income than you, but she definately has more outgoings... Isn't it important that your children have a secure safe happy enviornment to grow up in. You are on about what she has, and what you have not... at the end of the day you don't have access to your kids... Thats the saddest thing.
"she just like some many women make social welfare and being a lone parent a "LIFE STYLE CHOICE". As for living a hard life bring up kids as a single parents i cant speak about others but my ex has a car, all mod cons in her house, is out partying 2-3 times a week, goes on 2 holidays a year and is given 21k a year of tax payers money."
Women aren't the only ones who make social welfare a lifestyle choice, and it is a well established fact that most lone parents male and female are stuck in a poverty trap, we all know social welfare is no joke, she may be comfortable now while the kids are small, and did you not say that you are also in receipt of social welfare and rent allowance?
Glasshouses and stones and all that...It is is great as you are actively trying to better yourself... I just think you need to re-focus your priorities...0 -
IrishGuyCork wrote: »Mmm i didnt look for ANY sympathy nor did i ask for YOUR opinion. CHOW.
No, but you have it. Pay for your children, try not to be a misogynist and try to calm down on the use of CAPS LOCK.
Chow yourself.0 -
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Pathetic OP. Maybe try to man up to your responsibilities and stop behaving like your ex is living the high life while you suffer.
If your attitude in real life is as aggressive, hysterical and misogynistic as you come across here then its no wonder you have problems with communication with your ex.0 -
You don't really deserve anyone's help here with your attitude. Pathetic.
Best of luck now!
Ciao 0 -
Western Australia is famous as a refuge for fathers who don't want to pay maintenance, especially the mines. Seeing as you don't have access, there's no real reason to stay here in Ireland. You should do your best to fulfill your education goals and then look for the best paying job you can find wherever in the world that might be. Depending on the laws of that country you can let your conscience dictate how much maintenance you pay.
You and anyone in a similar situation should be keeping a daily diary to document your interactions with the other party. Include summaries of fonecalls, txt messages and also how the whole thing makes you feel. This can be usefull for court but you can also show it to your kids when they're old enough to understand.
Now I'm not ever under normal circumstances a spelling or grammar nazi but seeing as you're looking for advice I'm going to say this in the context of jobseeking. In today's job market employers are going to be as picky as they possibly can be about choosing the right employee and one thing that stands out to them is spelling and grammar. You can't afford to have any mistakes on your CV/resumé these days. This is merely boards and so long as people can understand what you're saying it doesn't really matter to anyone who isn't OCD but out there in the real world you're going to have to be spot on everytime.
Good luck with it all, don't let this get you down and remember sometimes happiness is a decision. Stay positive.0 -
Jesus Shaves wrote: »I'm looking at this from a personal point of view where I was granted access and told to pay a weekly sum which was fine until the mother started denying access periodically, it was a case of being allowed to see the child for a few months then not at all for a year, this went on for 8 years.
She got married then and since then I was given no access so I stopped the payment, she has ruined any hope of me and that child's chances of ever having a proper relationship and at this stage I have given up hope, maybe my son is better off without all the disruption.
This isn't a decision I came to lightly and agonised over it for years but sometimes it's better to leave for the child's sake and hope that he understands when he's older, but at the same time I won't be paying her for the way she has gone about things.
It is terrible that you were denied access to your son, I am so sorry for you for this. I see why you decided to take a step back for the sake of a peaceful life for your son, but there are no winners here, especially not you or your boy. And even though it is hard to give and get nothing back, maintenance is for your son, it is him you are denying..0 -
IrishGuyCork wrote: »If a father dont pay they are jailed for up to 3 months.
Yeah I wouldn't worry about that, they don't prosecute0 -
Munstermad wrote: »It is terrible that you were denied access to your son, I am so sorry for you for this. I see why you decided to take a step back for the sake of a peaceful life for your son, but there are no winners here, especially not you or your boy. And even though it is hard to give and get nothing back, maintenance is for your son, it is him you are denying..
No it isn't, he's provided for by his new daddy as he calls him, that's why I said if I'm denied access I wouldn't pay, it's not about the money, it's about the child and the principle0 -
IrishGuyCork wrote: »I didnt agree based on i only new my ex a few weeks.
This is totally irrelevant. You have kids, you want to see them. Access is consistently going badly and seems to be traumatic for the kids. It's only normal for the courts to request a proper assessment.IrishGuyCork wrote: »I had handed over a vast amount of private information to the courts however the assessments looked for access to ALL my family and I medical and legal records.
I asked my family for this permission in this process and they refused based on the DATA PROTECTION ACT, and the CONFIDENTIAL ACT. They offered Garda Vetting, Police Cert, and permission to speak to the family GP as we had NOTHING to hide.
Then it's not just your ex preventing you from seeing your kids mate.IrishGuyCork wrote: »But given open access my entire family medical and legal files who i new a wet day is a step to far.
Access is given to professionals who, if they misuse your data in some way, would have hell to pay. What would they do with this information? Why would it be worth their while.
More to the point, based on what you've put up here, it may well benefit you and/or your kids. Either you or your kids' mother (or both) have issues to resolve - unless they're addressed, the kids will suffer.
If you or your family are standing in the way of a reasonable request from the court system for a psychological assessment, it's irresponsible grant access. Simple as.
On the issue of maintenance, your ex is bringing up kids with the money she gets. If you suspect she's spending the money on herself and neglecting the kids, you can make a complaint to the Social Welfare authorities or seek custody yourself. Plenty of people become parents at a young age, and before they get fully qualified. Most are mature enough to realise that the other parent didn't 'ruin their life', and get on with the business of living.
Also, the misogyny and wild generalisations you're making about women are pretty disturbing. Have a think about some of the fathers rights groups you're in with - most are doing their best to give dads a fair shake, but some of them are deeply embittered and downright nasty in their attitude to women.0 -
Jesus Shaves wrote: »No it isn't, he's provided for by his new daddy as he calls him, that's why I said if I'm denied access I wouldn't pay, it's not about the money, it's about the child and the principle
Your financial responsibility exists regardless of whether or not you have access?!?!
What if your child comes looking for you as an adult, are you really going to say 'I wouldnt pay cos I wanted to punish your mammy like she was punishing me?'
You should still pay, its the morally correct thing to do.0 -
username123 wrote: »Your financial responsibility exists regardless of whether or not you have access?!?!
What if your child comes looking for you as an adult, are you really going to say 'I wouldnt pay cos I wanted to punish your mammy like she was punishing me?'
You should still pay, its the morally correct thing to do.
If he comes looking for me as an adult he can see all the texts and copies of phone calls his mother has had with me, Legally she has to allow access but she doesn't, morals have gone out the window long ago in this case.
There are exceptions to when moral should be brought into play.0 -
Jesus Shaves wrote: »If he comes looking for me as an adult he can see all the texts and copies of phone calls his mother has had with me, Legally she has to allow access but she doesn't, morals have gone out the window long ago in this case.
There are exceptions to when moral should be brought into play.
So you are allowing her bad behaviour to dictate your behaviour? Her morality is irrelevant, you are responsible for your own behaviour. Why dont you put the money in an account so your child has a boost through college or something? Just not paying because you dont have access is very childish and tit-for-tat and it doesnt bode well for your future relationship with your child.
Maintenance is not linked to access. You dont pay to see your child. Your child has to eat, be clothed etc regardless of whether or not you see him!0 -
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it's clear to me that the mother doesn't want anything to do with the father,but wants any money he may earn. i feel sorry for the father here,you had no decision/power in any of this at all. sure you could have protected yourself and so could she. you are equally to blame on that one. but women have all he power when it comes to pregnancy.
if you were told about the pregnancy in time you could have asked/discussed termination with the woman. but she didin't tell you. but then again you are powerless here too no rights what so ever. in fact its as though you don't even exist.
regardless of what you do..you can be sure the state at the expense of the tax payer will pay for another content single mom to be housed,fed,clothed etc..while the father is forced out of the equation. it makes me sick.0 -
IrishGuyCork wrote: »Munstermad wrote: »OP child maintenance is to benifit the twins (your baby son(s), daughter(s) ), you are responsible for your childrens welfare, SO is their mother.
While I understand you are really struggling financially, I don't see how your debt level and financial worries are your ex's fault ?
Also I can assure you a single mother on disability in council housing with two children will probably always be in a much tougher financial position than you can ever imagine with very limited oppertunities available to her to improve her and her childrens circumstances... like 3rd level education for example.
She will probably never be able to achieve the income of a qualified employed graduate, even with your maintenance deductions you will always have the potential to earn more...
Raising children is VERY expensive, as well as being the most difficult job in the world... I am very sorry to hear you are not able to share in the job and joy of raising your children but I find your gripe with having to support them unpalletable, and though you say it is benifiting you ex... it's not, it's for your childern....... I am certain she is struggling just as much as you are, if not moreso...
Both of ye made these babies, both of ye have responsibilities...
You seem to dwelling on the fact that your quality of life will be adversely affected by staying on and completing your course. Are you unhappy with your course? A third level education is never a waste imo, and future salary prospects surely aren't your only reason for doing it.
On the financial front, you should speak to MABS, they will be able to assist in sorting your debt repayments, but accepting your financial responsibilites and realising you haven't got a crystal ball to see what oppertunities/hardships the future holds after your degree is of utmost importance. Move on..
On the legal front on your income with your commitments you surely qualify for legal aid, If I was you I would never give up on the fight for access to my children...
To those who asked about paternity, do you really think that this man will have agreed to pay child maintenance unless he was sure that he was the father?............ Seriously...
To Jesus shaves, you clearly know nothing about this woman, keep your foul mouthed ignorant perspective to youself, it is of no benifit to anyone .
You obviously havent a clue what your on about. My ex is on benefit which is approx 21k a year. You say "Both of ye made these babies, both of ye have responsibilities...", i love when women play cards like these they refer to the father when seeking MONEY but as regarding bringing the children up they dont want the father involved. May i ask you, who gives ANY parent the right to say that cannot have their other biological parent in their live to some degree. IT SICK.
As regards my ex work ability, or lack of opportunuity to go to 3rd level education she just like some many women make social welfare and being a lone parent a "LIFE STYLE CHOICE". As for living a hard life bring up kids as a single parents i cant speak about others but my ex has a car, all mod cons in her house, is out partying 2-3 times a week, goes on 2 holidays a year and is given 21k a year of tax payers money.
There is alot of single mothers other their who work very hard, go to college, create a career to provide a better life for this kids. On the other hands you have some women using men as a sperm donor yes we have the children yes you pay money for them but NO YOU CANT SEE THEM.
I have been to MABS who also wrote letters to the courts as regards my inability to pay more then what i am. There is a difference between someone inability to pay and a person who doesnt want to pay.
GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT BEFORE YOU START GIVEN LECTURES.
Well you seem pleasant.
Situation couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.0 -
username123 wrote: »So you are allowing her bad behaviour to dictate your behaviour? Her morality is irrelevant, you are responsible for your own behaviour. Why dont you put the money in an account so your child has a boost through college or something? Just not paying because you dont have access is very childish and tit-for-tat and it doesnt bode well for your future relationship with your child.
Maintenance is not linked to access. You dont pay to see your child. Your child has to eat, be clothed etc regardless of whether or not you see him!
The possible chance of a relationship has already been ruined, like I've said previously I give up, if he ever wants or needs anything in the future that will change0 -
Jesus Shaves wrote: »The possible chance of a relationship has already been ruined, like I've said previously I give up, if he ever wants or needs anything in the future that will change
Never think that! Youve no idea what the future holds, I know its hard now but childhood is a short part of a persons life. Your child will be an adult someday and you will have a possibility of 40/50/60 years of a relationship with them. But you wont help that to happen by punishing the child now for something his mother is doing. Do you want your kid to think youre a stand up guy or someone who didnt bother? I can totally see why you are doing what you are doing, but its actually destructive behaviour, and I dont think you can see that.
Anyway, best of luck, I think you are making a terrible decision and one you will live to regret but its your own business.0 -
Jesus Shaves wrote: »If I wasn't getting access there's no way I'd be paying anything towards them
It's about about the judiciary system cops on to the rights of fathers in this country.
Totally agree with this, I cannot believe that fathers can be phased out of their childrens lives like this, unless there is a solid reason, it really disgusts me that children would be denied this right. Fathers rights in this country are a joke.0 -
OP - this forum is for those going through the process of separation and/or divorce. It is meant to be a forum for those going through the process to reach out and get practical advice from others who have or are experiencing similar issues. It is not a place for legal advice or advice to others on their obligations to ex's around child support.
Suggest you seek legal advice in regards to your issue or alternatively try the Personal Issue/Parenting forums. Again though no one there can give you any type of legal advice. Moving this thread with some of the responses is not an option as those posters would be immediately in breach of the PI &/or Parenting charters, which will just cause other posters to fall foul of the rules and quite a few are very close to being in breach of the charter here too.
Thread closed.
Taltos0
This discussion has been closed.
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