MY EX IS DISTROYING MY LIFE. ........

IrishGuyCork

Hello There,

I would welcome any advice from persons who are divorced, separated, or in a similar position.

In brief, I was with women for a few weeks (4-6); we broke up and went our separate ways. Few months later after zero contact I got a call from her stating she was pregnant with twins and the children were mine.


I am currently a mature student with an income of 188 weekly following many courts appears I am paying her 40 euro a week maintenance and she has destroyed and sabotaged access therefore I have no access.


I am NOT looking for legal advice as the above in terms of access and maintenance is and has been repeatedly approved by the courts.



My question is – I am in debt of 8,750 euro, in third legal education trying to finish my degree to enhance my life and to increase child maintenance however it seems that if I was successful in find work most of my income would go to my ex-partner who is NOT working, is on disability and a combined approx. total of 530 per week, as she is on disability she gets a free bus pass, reduce esb / gas bills, money towards her phone bills, and is in corporation housing with rent of just 25 euro a week.


If I completed my degree, sought and found work, she could /will take me back to court and I was informed the child maintenance would be approx. 70 -100 euro per week at least. Taking this into account I would have LESS money working after bills and food etc., compared to if I was on social welfare.


I am sickened to think that my hard work to complete a degree and find work will enhance my ex-partner life and NOT degrade mine where homelessness is a serious possibility?


I would like to stress I have NO probably with providing for my children even though I can’t see them. But the above situation is just untenable and non-sustainable. I would welcome anyone views or thoughts in this matter.

Thank You in advice.

KTRIC

Just out of interest , has a paternity test been done ??

RedXIV

Could you and would you dispute for custody?

the_syco

IrishGuyCork wrote: »

In brief, I was with women for a few weeks (4-6); we broke up and went our separate ways. Few months later after zero contact I got a call from her stating she was pregnant with twins and the children were mine.

As you were only with her 4-6 weeks, you should get a paternity test before you pay anything.

tinofapples

KTRIC wrote: »

Just out of interest , has a paternity test been done ??

That's the first thing I'd be doing.

kevthegaff

jes thats rough:(

haulagebasher

As other posters have said, if a woman you had a fling with turns up out of the blue claiming she is pregnant for you, you absolutely should not agree to any maintenance until she can prove paternity. You should go and arrange for a DNA test to be done. If she won;t agree, it means her claim is bogus. And anyway if she won't agree to test, I am 75% sure a court can force her to do it.Surely you'd have a fair idea yourself whether or not she is lileky to be pregnant for you, i.e. was protection used during relations?Anyway should the test prove positive and you want to get around paying maintenance, I am fairly sure that moving to the UK will not get you out of it - you'd have to move abroad.

kevez

if you get a job and have to pay more maintenance pay it through the social welfare and they will deduct it from her social welfare so she wont see a penny of it

haulagebasher

kevez wrote: »

if you get a job and have to pay more maintenance pay it through the social welfare and they will deduct it from her social welfare so she wont see a penny of it

I got the impression that he could not pay without hugely damaging his quality of life.

Jesus Shaves

kevez wrote: »

if you get a job and have to pay more maintenance pay it through the social welfare and they will deduct it from her social welfare so she wont see a penny of it

This, do you already pay your maintenance through the social welfare, if not go into them with proof of your maintenance payments to her, then definitely get a paternity test
She sounds like a right c**t

kevez

haulagebasher wrote: »

I got the impression that he could not pay without hugely damaging his quality of life.

i know but the law is the laws and if you have to pay it pay it through the social welfare and she wont see a penny, she is being greedy and unreasonable as she gets enough imo

haulagebasher

Ok lets say he is paying money atm, if he has a test done and it is negative, he should look into claim the paid money back from her and cleaning her out.
We may need more clarification from you OP.

IrishGuyCork

haulagebasher wrote: »

Ok lets say he is paying money atm, if he has a test done and it is negative, he should look into claim the paid money back from her and cleaning her out.
We may need more clarification from you OP.

I had the test done to see if they were mine and THEY ARE MINE. I have ZERO issue or questions as regards if the kids are mine or not. My issue and question was in relation to HOW TO DEAL WITH SUCH A SITUATION WHERE I HAVE SPENT 38K ON COURSES, AM IN DEBT, SEEKING TO FINISH MY DEGREE ONLY TO PAY MORE MONEY TO MY EX. I will NEVER be able to pay off my debts, or live a basic life as a result of this for the next 15th years.

I was told my the courts if i moved anywhere in Europe my ex partner could file for an european warrant this would mean i would be arrested and sent back to Ireland to face the courts which would likely end up in time in prision.

As i stated earlier i has been to and from the courts over the last 3 years, access was granted 4 hours a week, then 2 hours a week, then 1 hour a week but as a result of my ex becoming aggressive, and abusive as she didnt want me around and would constantly cancel access the judge stated as the children were sooooo young it was in the best interest of the kids to cancel all access as both my ex and i couldnt get on. Despite my children and I ALWAYS getting on well during access.

Well let me reframe that "MY EX COULDNT GET ON WITH ME", as it was in her interest not to do so to ensure the access would fail". Last date in court both my ex and I was asked to complete a section 47 psychological assessment i refused, therefore no access will EVER be granted.

I offered them Garda Vetting / Clearence, Police Cert, References etc but this was not accepted.

Regarding maintainence i am currently on Social Welfare and as a result the judged ordered me to pay 40euro a week with the view of increasing this when the children start school even if i am on social welfare. The law in Ireland is a judge can order a father to pay up to 150euro a week per child which is means tested. She stated in time 50euro per week would be expected therefore i would have 88 a week to live on?

I would like to make it clear the children are VERY healthly from what i know and is looked after well with their mother on over 500 euro a week from benefit why wouldnt they?

ONCE AGAIN THE ISSUE IS NOT AROUND ACCESS, / CUSTODY of my children this has been sorted. NO ACCESS. My question is how do other fathers deal with such a situation and live a VERY basic life on 128 euro a week. ? If i work to increase my income most of it will end up going to my ex partner therefore it seems impossible for me to find a way to increase my income to be able to live and have a BASIC quality of life.

As a result, prision, and becoming homeless is very likely.

username123

Youre totally overreacting and being hysterical over this.

First of all, yes, it is your responsibility to make a financial contribution. And you seem ok with that to a point. However, in order for a change in the amount your ex will have to take you back to court. Again, you will have to produce some kind of statement of means, and the judge will not order all your money to be sent to your children leaving you with less than if you were on social welfare which is what you seem to have the main issue with?

Stop focussing on how much your ex gets from social welfare and how hard done by you are. Ultimately if you improve your life and earn a good wage you will be able to make a financial contribution to your children without making yourself destitute - I have never ever heard of a case where a man had to become homeless to support his children, your own basic needs are attended to first and then the amount agreed by the court after.

IrishGuyCork

username123 wrote: »

Youre totally overreacting and being hysterical over this.

First of all, yes, it is your responsibility to make a financial contribution. And you seem ok with that to a point. However, in order for a change in the amount your ex will have to take you back to court. Again, you will have to produce some kind of statement of means, and the judge will not order all your money to be sent to your children leaving you with less than if you were on social welfare which is what you seem to have the main issue with?

Stop focussing on how much your ex gets from social welfare and how hard done by you are. Ultimately if you improve your life and earn a good wage you will be able to make a financial contribution to your children without making yourself destitute - I have never ever heard of a case where a man had to become homeless to support his children, your own basic needs are attended to first and then the amount agreed by the court after.

"Overreacting and being hysterical over this", Mmm obviously your female. and secondly i think i know my situation a little better then you do. Also you sound like you have been in the Family Court process and your well aware what happens in the court room public people aint allowed. My point being i know what the judge said, and i know my situation.

I also know what my lawyers have said, i have hired 6 over a 3 year period and spoken in depth to the Family Law Office in my area. A basic job / salary would mean take home pay of approx 300 a week for working 40 hour week. 100 euro for child maintainence = 200 left. Social Welfare is 188. Also my rent is based on my income so my rent, travel / food costs would also increase.

The above is NOT stated by me nor am i over reacting as YOU state this has been confirmed by lawyers, and people i have spoken to in Father Rights Groups who have been going through this process for MANY years.

Munstermad

OP child maintenance is to benifit the twins (your baby son(s), daughter(s) ), you are responsible for your childrens welfare, SO is their mother.

While I understand you are really struggling financially, I don't see how your debt level and financial worries are your ex's fault ?

Also I can assure you a single mother on disability in council housing with two children will probably always be in a much tougher financial position than you can ever imagine with very limited oppertunities available to her to improve her and her childrens circumstances... like 3rd level education for example.

She will probably never be able to achieve the income of a qualified employed graduate, even with your maintenance deductions you will always have the potential to earn more...

Raising children is VERY expensive, as well as being the most difficult job in the world... I am very sorry to hear you are not able to share in the job and joy of raising your children but I find your gripe with having to support them unpalletable, and though you say it is benifiting you ex... it's not, it's for your childern....... I am certain she is struggling just as much as you are, if not moreso...

Both of ye made these babies, both of ye have responsibilities...

You seem to dwelling on the fact that your quality of life will be adversely affected by staying on and completing your course. Are you unhappy with your course? A third level education is never a waste imo, and future salary prospects surely aren't your only reason for doing it.

On the financial front, you should speak to MABS, they will be able to assist in sorting your debt repayments, but accepting your financial responsibilites and realising you haven't got a crystal ball to see what oppertunities/hardships the future holds after your degree is of utmost importance. Move on..

On the legal front on your income with your commitments you surely qualify for legal aid, If I was you I would never give up on the fight for access to my children...

To those who asked about paternity, do you really think that this man will have agreed to pay child maintenance unless he was sure that he was the father?............ Seriously...

To Jesus shaves, you clearly know nothing about this woman, keep your foul mouthed ignorant perspective to youself, it is of no benifit to anyone .

Optimus Prime

I have two kids myself and ill tell you what it costs me more than 40 euro a week to feed, clothe, house and educate them and i never have 88 Euro a week left for myself after food, bills, mortgage etc are paid! Your a mature student, on social welfare and getting most of your rent paid and complaining you have to pay 40 quid a week for your 2 kids.

Those are your kids! its your responsability to bring them up. Im sorry to hear you have no access to them, id give all the money in the world to see my kids. You seem to be only thinking about how much money you end up with and how much your ex has as opposed to thinking about how your kids are going to be provided for and raised.

When you have kids, your prioritys should change, I would happily spend the rest of my life with no money as long as my children are happy, healthy and educated.

Jesus Shaves

If I wasn't getting access there's no way I'd be paying anything towards them
It's about about the judiciary system cops on to the rights of fathers in this country.

Munstermad

To Jesus Shaves : They are not show dogs. they are children, what about their rights to their parents and to be cared for properly??? As they say in my neck of the woods cop - on and grow up.....

sophia25

Honestly I don't see how she could be getting €530 pw from sw. Rules have changed and you can no longer get double payments so she can only get OPFA or disability. Either way her basic payment is same as yours but she would get €29,80 pw per child additional to you. She has no opportunity to work or study for a degree with childcare for 2. She will be stuck at home until kids are 7 at which stage she will be forced to look for f/t work if she is off disability. She will need to look for a job after years out of the workforce that will pay enough to fund childcare for 2 kids and where they accept she has no flexilbility to work outside creche /afterschool hours. Even now, if she wants to go anywhere she will have to pay to have the children minded all out of the additional €29.80 per week. And you think ytou have things tough? At least you have an end in sight. Honestly, the only way you can improve the situation for the 4 of you is to try to work cooperatively and share some of the care burden to allow both of you equal access to work/study. I appreciate it is difficult for anyone on social welfare at the moment but you have some money and an opportunity for education. The harsh reality is though you have responsibilities now and the two children are the priority now and any judge will treat them as such.

haulagebasher

Prison, homelessness sounds serious. It looks like she is hell bent on bleeding you of every cent so, given that things are crap in Ireland, you might consider emigrating to a non-EU country for at least a few years. With a degree you shoudl readily find good employment in Canada or NZ. Damn shame you'd not be able to come back when you want. You could hook up with some firends who are going or gone abroad. What is your qualification.You'd want to get going and get sponsors arranged abroad if you are legally trying to stay long term.Better get out now before a courst conviction/prison or it will be nigh on impossible to get visa after a conviction/prison.In any case, getting your qualification and high marks should be your priority for the immediate future to maximize your chances. Do what you can to fob her off for the moment. Out of interest, what is your degree in?

Giggernaut

Last date in court both my ex and I was asked to complete a section 47 psychological assessment i refused, therefore no access will EVER be granted

.

Why did the op not agreed to the above assessment as it looks like it may have helped his case with regard to access?

sbsquarepants

I don't really see what you're bitching about?
You got some girl pregnant and now you have pay maintenence? Boo hoo. What do you think should happen in this situation? Who exactly do you think should have to pay for your kids?
Your "ex" may well be a total bitch, but she's hardly making your life hell. You fathered 2 kids, they need food, clothes etc - you need to pay for at least some of that. You refused to take a court ordered test, so now you can't see the kids (why did you refuse by the way?)
Do they not teach you personal responsibility in that college or what? Your situation now is a result of choices YOU made in the past. Stop moaning and choose a bit wiser in future.

Jesus Shaves

Munstermad wrote: »

To Jesus Shaves : They are not show dogs. they are children, what about their rights to their parents and to be cared for properly??? As they say in my neck of the woods cop - on and grow up.....

Yes they have rights to their parents, but more often than not the mother stops the father from seeing his kids, that's where I wouldn't pay a penny.

sbsquarepants

haulagebasher wrote: »

Prison, homelessness sounds serious. It looks like she is hell bent on bleeding you of every cent so, given that things are crap in Ireland, you might consider emigrating to a non-EU country for at least a few years. With a degree you shoudl readily find good employment in Canada or NZ. Damn shame you'd not be able to come back when you want. You could hook up with some firends who are going or gone abroad. What is your qualification.You'd want to get going and get sponsors arranged abroad if you are legally trying to stay long term.Better get out now before a courst conviction/prison or it will be nigh on impossible to get visa after a conviction/prison.In any case, getting your qualification and high marks should be your priority for the immediate future to maximize your chances. Do what you can to fob her off for the moment. Out of interest, what is your degree in?

What a pile of bollox.
Supporting his kids should be his priority - not fúcking off to canada.

Munstermad

haulagebasher wrote: »

Prison, homelessness sounds serious. It looks like she is hell bent on bleeding you of every cent so, given that things are crap in Ireland, you might consider emigrating to a non-EU country for at least a few years. With a degree you shoudl readily find good employment in Canada or NZ. Damn shame you'd not be able to come back when you want. You could hook up with some firends who are going or gone abroad. What is your qualification.You'd want to get going and get sponsors arranged abroad if you are legally trying to stay long term.Better get out now before a courst conviction/prison or it will be nigh on impossible to get visa after a conviction/prison.In any case, getting your qualification and high marks should be your priority for the immediate future to maximize your chances. Do what you can to fob her off for the moment. Out of interest, what is your degree in?

And what about the children if he takes off??? While prison and homelessness are terrifying prospects... they are very unlikely unless there is much more to it?? He is entitled to social welfare and rent allowance.... where does prison come into it, he is not a criminal..the courts use jail as a last resort for debtors...??? And in a nation of debtors how likely is this??

engrish?

IrishGuyCork wrote: »

"Overreacting and being hysterical over this", Mmm obviously your female. and secondly i think i know my situation a little better then you do. Also you sound like you have been in the Family Court process and your well aware what happens in the court room public people aint allowed. My point being i know what the judge said, and i know my situation.

And there goes any sympathy I had for you. I'd say there is another side to this story.

Munstermad

Jesus Shaves wrote: »

Yes they have rights to their parents, but more often than not the mother stops the father from seeing his kids, that's where I wouldn't pay a penny.

The welfare of the kids is whats most important, people scoring points off each other by denying access or witholding maintenance does happen, I agree... But who do you think suffers the most from this behaviour... the kids!!
Two wrongs don't make a right... I would have far more respect for someone or myself as a parent knowing I did the right thing by my children, despite the actions of the other parent...

sbsquarepants

Jesus Shaves wrote: »

Yes they have rights to their parents, but more often than not the mother stops the father from seeing his kids, that's where I wouldn't pay a penny.

I can understand your sentiment, but the money is to provide for the kids - not to hire them out. They need to eat whether he sees them or not, and as far as i can see the reason he can't see them is because he refused to take a court ordered psychological test, for reasons best known to himself.

Jesus Shaves

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I can understand your sentiment, but the money is to provide for the kids - not to hire them out. They need to eat whether he sees them or not, and as far as i can see the reason he can't see them is because he refused to take a court ordered psychological test, for reasons best known to himself.

Yup, he should have agreed to the assessment, he can always go back and agree to it, we all know how the heat of the moment in family court can make us say something silly.

IrishGuyCork

Munstermad wrote: »

OP child maintenance is to benifit the twins (your baby son(s), daughter(s) ), you are responsible for your childrens welfare, SO is their mother.

While I understand you are really struggling financially, I don't see how your debt level and financial worries are your ex's fault ?

Also I can assure you a single mother on disability in council housing with two children will probably always be in a much tougher financial position than you can ever imagine with very limited oppertunities available to her to improve her and her childrens circumstances... like 3rd level education for example.

She will probably never be able to achieve the income of a qualified employed graduate, even with your maintenance deductions you will always have the potential to earn more...

Raising children is VERY expensive, as well as being the most difficult job in the world... I am very sorry to hear you are not able to share in the job and joy of raising your children but I find your gripe with having to support them unpalletable, and though you say it is benifiting you ex... it's not, it's for your childern....... I am certain she is struggling just as much as you are, if not moreso...

Both of ye made these babies, both of ye have responsibilities...

You seem to dwelling on the fact that your quality of life will be adversely affected by staying on and completing your course. Are you unhappy with your course? A third level education is never a waste imo, and future salary prospects surely aren't your only reason for doing it.

On the financial front, you should speak to MABS, they will be able to assist in sorting your debt repayments, but accepting your financial responsibilites and realising you haven't got a crystal ball to see what oppertunities/hardships the future holds after your degree is of utmost importance. Move on..

On the legal front on your income with your commitments you surely qualify for legal aid, If I was you I would never give up on the fight for access to my children...

To those who asked about paternity, do you really think that this man will have agreed to pay child maintenance unless he was sure that he was the father?............ Seriously...

To Jesus shaves, you clearly know nothing about this woman, keep your foul mouthed ignorant perspective to youself, it is of no benifit to anyone .

You obviously havent a clue what your on about. My ex is on benefit which is approx 21k a year. You say "Both of ye made these babies, both of ye have responsibilities...", i love when women play cards like these they refer to the father when seeking MONEY but as regarding bringing the children up they dont want the father involved. May i ask you, who gives ANY parent the right to say that cannot have their other biological parent in their live to some degree. IT SICK.

As regards my ex work ability, or lack of opportunuity to go to 3rd level education she just like some many women make social welfare and being a lone parent a "LIFE STYLE CHOICE". As for living a hard life bring up kids as a single parents i cant speak about others but my ex has a car, all mod cons in her house, is out partying 2-3 times a week, goes on 2 holidays a year and is given 21k a year of tax payers money.

There is alot of single mothers other their who work very hard, go to college, create a career to provide a better life for this kids. On the other hands you have some women using men as a sperm donor yes we have the children yes you pay money for them but NO YOU CANT SEE THEM.

I have been to MABS who also wrote letters to the courts as regards my inability to pay more then what i am. There is a difference between someone inability to pay and a person who doesnt want to pay.

GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT BEFORE YOU START GIVEN LECTURES.