Is it wrong to be attracted to your first cousin?

Motley Crue

dearg lady wrote: »

Seems like a bit of an over reaction Motley, inherently wrong why? It's one thing to find it a bit weird, or be uncomfortable with it, but how is it inherently wrong??

I just think it goes a little more beyond uncomfortable, I think that if your first cousin (that is your Aunt or Uncle's children, your father's Niece or Nephews) were potential marriage or relationship material normally it would create serious problems. There has to be a boundry.

It's got nothing to do with Religion or God, it's just got to do with basic Biology, your not supposed to dilute the gene pool like that...is there not someone you can find outside your family? Someone you can have a relationship with you who might share your surname already or holds your mothers maiden name? Does that not worry people, really? It's taboo for a reason...because it's wrong.

My girlfriend, for example, is related through marriage to a friend of hers. Her Aunt's husband is the friend's Grand Uncle. Now, they would consider a relationship (as cousins through marriage) to be wrong...and in certain circumstances, I might think this kind of relationship would be OK....but blood relation cousins, regardless of their upbringing and how unfimilar they are to each other, should neither engage in sexual intercourse or form sexual relationships.

The OP himself has, as others have pointed out, only listened to those who have supported what he is doing and has not tackled any of the comments against his decision.

When I was younger me and cousin used to play Doctor's and Nurses for Christ's sake lol, we must have been about 8 or something...I mean as I grew up I just knew (through my family) that developing a relationship for a cousin was wrong. You look outward for a partner, not inward.

LegacyUser

I am genuinely surprised that more people have not come forward to say they have had a similar experience to the OP - I would have thought a sexual attraction between cousins is a lot more common than many think. It's taboo so it does not make for everyday conversation I guess.

OP , you have been careful to give no indication of your gender or your sexual orientation but you do allude to your situation as challenging in that your cousin if not of the gender you would usually be attracted to - frankly all the more reason to explore the possibilities as you may be forced to confront important questions of sexual identity.
I certainly could not clall my experince as one of ' survival ' - it was exciting ( no doubt the taboo played a part there ) , great sex and I genuinely cherish the memories.

I would not be so positive had our families become aware - my mother would have been distraught and would never have forgiven me. At this early stage keeping your situation quiet is vital.

Ellsbells

cousin 1 wrote: »

I am genuinely surprised that more people have not come forward to say they have had a similar experience ....

Why? I would think it very rare...

I do understand though that because you have had this experience, that you think it's the norm - it's not

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

Why? I would think it very rare...

I do understand though that because you have had this experience, that you think it's the norm - it's not

Actually not as rare as you think. Not many would admit that they had crushes or experimented on first cousins because of the ickiness factor. This can be common than most like to think. First cousins are not siblings and everyone's relationship between them will be different. I know some who wouldn't think of it as they looked at their first cousins as siblings because they were raised with them. There are others who didn't even know all of their first cousins because they either came from enormous families where relatives lived in different counties or countries for that matter. I have had friends who have confessed (including myself) that had done something with our first cousins. It may have not been sexual but more experimental like kissing or touching.

OP, I suggest not doing it. Your families are going to have a coronary if they found out. Seriously! End it and move on. Only see this cousin in family functions with others present. Remove that nervous sexual tension because family will get wary. My relationship with my first cousin got more intense especially when I was leaving home for college. He wanted to move in the city I was studying in. He ended up moving to the opposite side of the country instead, so we rarely see each other now and don't speak as often. It is better this way as those feelings for each other have started to fade. We didn't go beyond the kissing and touching. I honestly think if we did have sex, I would not cope very well because of the guilt and shame.

You will have to hide it very well regardless of the gender of this cousin. Now you have to understand is how well are you both going to handle being in a relationship that has to be very secretive? The taboo may be exciting but what if family did catch the two of you in a manner that would be considered inappropriate? What then? Where will you have these liasons? How will you both be able to behave together present around family? Or friends? This was the hardest part. No matter how hard my cousin and I tried my brother had this hunch something wasn't right. This brother confronted us later and asked me if I had sex with him yet! Luckily we didn't and he believed me. I told him we were messing and just kissed. Even that made him sick to his stomach. I was damn lucky he didn't run off telling our parents. But his suspicions were enough for me not to continue on as it was not worth it.

Please really tread carefully and think about this more before going further.

Motley Crue

I seriously hope the OP is listening to all this

LegacyUser

I accept that 1st cousins having full sexual relations is comparatively rare but people should ask themselves how many times did they or their friends comment on a cousin in a sexual way ?
I have friends who would say something like '' If only Mary wasn't my cousin I'd love to ......'' . I really don't believe its nearly as rare as some believe though not as many ' follow through ' in the way I did.

I have seen my cousin on a few occassions since we last slept together and the attraction was still there for both of us but we are now older and wiser and I don't believe that even if we were free to resume that we would.
We were both 20 years old and I was probably sex-obsessed back then - I will not agree that what we did was inherently wrong but it was very dangerous from a family viewpoint.

It's interesting that the only people in this thread who have admitted to such feelings have found it nescessary to post anonymously , such is the degree of disapproval from others. While I will say I have no regrets I must admit this thread has forced me to confront the past and ask myself '' If I have no regrets why will I not tell my current partner about it ? ''

I really don't believe sexual attraction between cousins is nearly as rare as some here suggest.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=Ellsbells;79617098]Op you were to only want to listen to the people who are pro the relationship and not interested in taking onboard any less that positive comments. What is your relationship history? Have you always gone for the bad boy/ girl or one that people don't approve of?

I am not sure of your sexes or sexual preferences and you say they are outside your normal gender preference. Would you make be attracted to them because they are gay and you are secretly gay yourself or vice versa?

You say you could not touch any other cousin but I don't see the difference for you between shagging this person or one of the cousins you grew up with - they are all your flesh and blood. Without trying to be insulting - are there not enough partners out there that you are not related to?

Chances are the attraction is so strong because its taboo.[/QUOTE]

Motley Crue wrote: »

I just think it goes a little more beyond uncomfortable, I think that if your first cousin (that is your Aunt or Uncle's children, your father's Niece or Nephews) were potential marriage or relationship material normally it would create serious problems. There has to be a boundry.

It's got nothing to do with Religion or God, it's just got to do with basic Biology, your not supposed to dilute the gene pool like that...is there not someone you can find outside your family? Someone you can have a relationship with you who might share your surname already or holds your mothers maiden name? Does that not worry people, really? It's taboo for a reason...because it's wrong.

My girlfriend, for example, is related through marriage to a friend of hers. Her Aunt's husband is the friend's Grand Uncle. Now, they would consider a relationship (as cousins through marriage) to be wrong...and in certain circumstances, I might think this kind of relationship would be OK....but blood relation cousins, regardless of their upbringing and how unfimilar they are to each other, should neither engage in sexual intercourse or form sexual relationships.

The OP himself has, as others have pointed out, only listened to those who have supported what he is doing and has not tackled any of the comments against his decision.

When I was younger me and cousin used to play Doctor's and Nurses for Christ's sake lol, we must have been about 8 or something...I mean as I grew up I just knew (through my family) that developing a relationship for a cousin was wrong. You look outward for a partner, not inward.

Yes I have been very careful not to give an indication to mine or my cousins gender(s), as I do not want to risk being identified in anyway, including through suspicion.

As for Sexual Orientation(s), I have also been careful with this for similar reasons. I have had both Male and Female partners/relationships in the past. I have over my life time struggled with the big questions of am I heterosexual am I homosexual? I have only over the last year started to admit to myself that I am actually Bi-sexual something I have shied away from dealing with previously, because while social views are slowly changing on this, it is also something that until recently was seen as "Taboo" "Not Normal." (I have only meet this particular cousin with in the last 4-6 months.)

Maybe if I had still pursued this aspect of my sexuality in my early 20s, instead of caving to the "views of the masses" I would not now in my 30s be faced with issue around this identity and the effects it may have on friendships/family etc. As a child I would also partook in sports/activities/interests that where not seen as "Normal" or "suitable" for my gender, to the extent that I regularly had to fight for my rights to partake. Until I was forced by adults and governing bodies to give up. I also to some extent, in different parts of my life identify myself as member of many "minority groups and sub-groups."

As such I am now more cautious of listening to the "Its not normal" "the majority wouldn't" arguments when they are not backed up by something more solid than other individuals thoughts, feelings, or opinions.

I had also expected, when I made my initial post, for the majority of the views to be that it was wrong to be attracted to a cousin. I have been more interested in finding out about those who have been attracted to cousins, and the reasons why individuals think it is wrong.

As for the difference between this cousin and other cousins. It is a very different relationship you build with family when you are entering it as an adult not a child. For the first 20years of my life, my siblings and myself were completely isolated from one whole side of our extended family, (ie grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.) and it is a very large disconnected family that my parent comes from, many of whom do not communicate with each other. So for me this side of my extended family, even after over 8 years of getting to know some of them, still feels like an external group, my parents family, not my family. The relationships I have built with these family members is very different from the relationships I have with extended family on my other parent side. Something which I think fits with the theory of GSA.

cousin 1 wrote: »

I was interested that you and your cousin have discussed the situation and that too is something I experienced , the sex was not the result of some drunken snog or grope where one thing led to another....... rather it was the result of a calm and rational discussion where we both talked about what we wanted and even where I would buy the condoms !

Unfortunately while we did discuss the situation, it was not till after a few drinks, that either of us was brave/comfortable enough to admit to our attraction or to discuss what we where going to do about it.

tread carefully wrote: »

Actually not as rare as you think. Not many would admit that they had crushes or experimented on first cousins because of the ickiness factor. This can be common than most like to think. First cousins are not siblings and everyone's relationship between them will be different. I know some who wouldn't think of it as they looked at their first cousins as siblings because they were raised with them. There are others who didn't even know all of their first cousins because they either came from enormous families where relatives lived in different counties or countries for that matter. I have had friends who have confessed (including myself) that had done something with our first cousins. It may have not been sexual but more experimental like kissing or touching.

OP, I suggest not doing it. Your families are going to have a coronary if they found out. Seriously! End it and move on. Only see this cousin in family functions with others present. Remove that nervous sexual tension because family will get wary. My relationship with my first cousin got more intense especially when I was leaving home for college. He wanted to move in the city I was studying in. He ended up moving to the opposite side of the country instead, so we rarely see each other now and don't speak as often. It is better this way as those feelings for each other have started to fade. We didn't go beyond the kissing and touching. I honestly think if we did have sex, I would not cope very well because of the guilt and shame.

You will have to hide it very well regardless of the gender of this cousin. Now you have to understand is how well are you both going to handle being in a relationship that has to be very secretive? The taboo may be exciting but what if family did catch the two of you in a manner that would be considered inappropriate? What then? Where will you have these liasons? How will you both be able to behave together present around family? Or friends? This was the hardest part. No matter how hard my cousin and I tried my brother had this hunch something wasn't right. This brother confronted us later and asked me if I had sex with him yet! Luckily we didn't and he believed me. I told him we were messing and just kissed. Even that made him sick to his stomach. I was damn lucky he didn't run off telling our parents. But his suspicions were enough for me not to continue on as it was not worth it.

Please really tread carefully and think about this more before going further.

Thanks "Tread Carefully," these are issues I have been tossing around in my head over the last few weeks. As while I was asking about Attraction in my initial post. We have actually slept together on a few occasions. We are now trying to move past it, and put it behind us, for many reasons, some being for reasons similar to views expressed by other posters, and the effects it may or may not have on our families, but also for other reasons. Yet the attraction still feels immensely strong and bonding, and I feel like I am missing out one something beautiful by trying to walk away.

Motley Crue

I do apprichate OP that you have some searching questions and some truthful examination inside yourself to uncover. I wish you luck, truly I do, but for me this issue is one which I don't think I could ever see more than one answer for.

In a way I thank you for bringing it up here because through the nature of this conversation I've been able to see what others have said and some comments I agree with, others I don't. It's been an interesting debate but since I can't say anything other than "I encourage you not to continue any sexual relationship with your cousin" I'll leave it at that and step away.

BattleCorp

I personally don't see too much wrong with the OP and his cousin hooking up.

To be fair, it's 100% legal, so no problem there.

The chances of disability in children of cousins is very low, in fact it's not much higher than the chances of these same birth defects happening in the general population. There is a very slight increase in the odds of birth defects, that has to be said though.

Simply marrying within your own ethnic race increases the chance of birth defects, but it doesn't stop most of us marrying people of our own race.

It is amazing the amount of misinformation on this topic here. Anybody researching the topic and doing a family history trace would probably find that they are the product of cousins somewhere back along the line. I'm not saying this to try and insult people, I'm just stating what research tells us. It isn't as rare as people think, especially when you go way back in the generations.

The frequency of cousin marriages in the USA is about 1 in 1,000. The frequency of cousin marriages in Japan is about 4 in 1,000. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousin.

*******************

Now that the legal and genetic arguement is out of the way, there's the social aspect of a relationship with your first cousin.

This is the biggest obstacle that the OP is going to come up against. Society in general would be very prejudicial towards cousins forming a sexual relationship. It's pretty much frowned upon in most societies. But then again, being gay is frowned upon in many societies so it's totally up to you if you want to go against the "norms" of society. I've no problem with gay couples and I've no problem with cousins being together but judging from the posts here, I'm not in the majority.

If the relationship succeeds long term, great for you, but it could turn out to be very divisive for the rest of the extended family.

If the relationship doesn't succeed, it could be like an atom bomb going off within the extended family, destroying more relationships than your own.

I don't envy your position. Obviously you are attracted to your cousin, there's not much you can do about that. If you decide to form a full open relationship, there will be consequences that you will have to deal with. They may range from all out war with some family members, the end of relationships with others, to having to put up with snide remarks and being the butt of jokes, insults and downright hurtful remarks at best from others. Very few family members will come out in support of your union.

If you are willing to put up with the consequences, then best of luck with your relationship.

If not, then it would probably be best to end whatever you have going on at the moment.

pickarooney

I can think of at least once country where being gay is illegal but over 50% of marriages are between first cousins. It doesn't sound from the OP's description that reproduction is an issue and legally it's fine so really the only barrier here, and it's a big one, is current Irish society's (and Western society as a whole) rejection of the idea.

LegacyUser

I have been going through a lot of other life changing issues at present.

A long term relationship that has been on the rocks for a few years. A difficult situation where we care very deeply for each other but are doing a lot of damage to ourselves and each other. Where we have both been struggling to recognise that it is sometimes better to end a relationship than to continue unhealthy patterns. That it can be better to end a relationship and salvage a friendship.

Past strugles with depression returning,

Through it all I have learnt to connect with my mother in a way that I never could as a teenager.
I have always been blessed with parents who try to be supportive and understanding. Between me and my siblings they have seen lots of things that they would not have approved of or been able to understand. But they have never blamed any of us or turned any of us away.

As such while I was discussing my present situation and problems with my mother the other day the issue of my infidelity and who I was unfaithful with came up. I can quite confidently say, my mother is an amazing woman, a rock of strenth! While at first she was slightly shocked at my disclosure about my cousin, (she had theories about who I may have slept with but had never thought of my cousin.) When she thought on it, she could see that my cousin and I are basically strangers to each other. When I explained about the theories behind GSA she could also see how this could develop and have an influence on us.

But basically what I wanted to say was that:
My mother is still acepting of me as me.
She is still there for me and I am blessed to have her.

somegirl2009

yes it is wrong in my eyes its sick.................look elsewhere imagine what ur mam or dad would thinnk

up for anything

Marry cousin - not a health risk

Although I don't think you said that you intended to breed with your cousin.

LegacyUser

cousins?oy wrote: »

Thanks "Tread Carefully," these are issues I have been tossing around in my head over the last few weeks. As while I was asking about Attraction in my initial post. We have actually slept together on a few occasions. We are now trying to move past it, and put it behind us, for many reasons, some being for reasons similar to views expressed by other posters, and the effects it may or may not have on our families, but also for other reasons. Yet the attraction still feels immensely strong and bonding, and I feel like I am missing out one something beautiful by trying to walk away.

This was one of the reasons I had a sigh of relief I did not go any further. Sex changes the dynamic of any relationship and I know for fact if we did have sex it would have made things harder for me to stop and risked being ostracised by family.

You went beyond the expected and there is nothing to be ashamed about. The decision is yours if you want to continue this or not. You understand the negative reactions by many on here so far now you need to decide if you would be prepared with such negative responses from family and friends. Everyone else or people on the street are not going to know your relationship and it is frankly none of their business anyway. The law and genetics (not your issue anyhow) are on your side but your family and friends may not be. You have to decide if it is a risk worth taking and you know your friends and family a lot more than anyone on here.

Milk & Honey

cousins?oy wrote: »

I had to google/wiki to understand that question.
Cross cousins

Then you are all right so.

woodoo

According to Richard Dawkins (The Selfish Gene) 1st cousin is too close genetically to be biologically safe. 2nd cousin and beyond is far enough removed.

sassyj

I know of first cousins who are married, didn't meet each other until they were in their late teens, really don't see the big deal.

Ellsbells

woodoo wrote: »

According to Richard Dawkins (The Selfish Gene) 1st cousin is too close genetically to be biologically safe. 2nd cousin and beyond is far enough removed.

They are both the same sex...

cousins?oy

cousins?oy wrote: »

We are both consenting mature adults

Then I do not see a problem no. Do you?

Just be sure it is what you both want. Remember anyone can be a sex partner. But siblings and cousins are relationships you get a very finite number of.

breezy40

Hi..first time poster!!! i actually googled the question, and signed up to Boards purely for this thread. I have a family member who has recently started "dating" a cousin...I think its so wrong on so many levels! My biggest problem is we live in a small town. And neither my own sibling or my cousin have had the decency to tell us what they are doing. They seem to be so self centered that as long as they are happy - why worry about anyone else?

i'm usually one of the most broadminded people anyone will ever meet, but this has just freaked me out and made me so mad! My own sibling was single but my cousin wasnt at the time they got together, and that seems to have been fine with them. I just cant understand it!

Fine - it may not be illegal, but it doesnt mean that they shouldnt have thought about the rest of the family here, and at least have the decency to tell us all - not have us find out about it from random people on a night out!

OP...hope you and your cousin at least had the manners to tell both your families. Otherwise it makes what you're doing (in my opinion) even worse!

breezy40, welcome to boards.
I'm afraid this thread is quite old and as such shouldn't be bumped. I am locking it.

thanks