Would you have kids just to keep your OH (happy)?

I am a friend

A friend of mine just had her first baby because her (now) hubby wanted children and it was a condition of them staying together. He is way more into the whole thing still than she is.

Would you have a child, if you didnt particularly want kids, just to keep your partner / to make them happy? I certainly would not if I didn't want them in the first place.

What are the pro's and cons? Do you think it would have an effect on the kid while growing up?

g'em

I really can't understand that.

There's every chance of course that she'll love the child as soon as it comes into the world and discovers a maternal instinct that she never knew even existed, spending her next howevermanyyears cherishing the decision she made to have a baby.

Or she will see the child as a means to an end, a commodity, a reason for her husband to stick around. She may even end up like my Nana who - at 93 - turned to my mother not long ago and told her that she never should have had children and only did it to fit in. Words fail me...

You choose (yes, choose) to bring a child into the world. Their happiness is no-one's responsibility but yours and your partner. They didn't ask to be here, but if they are, you'd better be damn well willing to give them the love and care and safety and compassion they deserve.

Polloloca

I don't think that's very fair on the future child. I don't want children now but it would be an issue in the future. I would never (I hope) give a partner that ultimatium though and would hope he wouldn't give it to me.

Fluorescence

Absolutely not. If I didn't have a burning desire for children (and the way things are now it's highly likely I never will) I wouldn't have them. Full stop.

I'd be interested to hear how many men go along with the idea just to please their partner though.

Ickle Magoo

I wouldn't have a child because my husband gave me an ultimatum and threatened to end our relationship if I didn't accede to his wishes...but I also can't imagine my husband ever giving me such an ultimatum knowing it's not something I want - sounds like a horrendously unhealthy way to conduct a relationship/enter parenthood to me...recipe for disaster all round.

Novella

No, I absolutely would not. If I was with someone who wanted children, and I did not, I'd consider us incompatible and end the relationship. I'd much rather be single than be with someone who had completely different wants and needs from life. Maybe this will sound selfish, but I couldn't jeopardise my own happiness for somebody else. Well I could temporarily, as in I'd go see a movie I wasn't into or whatever, but having a child? No. That's too huge.

notsobusy

Surely it would be something you would have discussed with your partner before you got married??

I am a friend

In fairness to her, he told her this after they met and she took time to think about it and chose to continue with the relationship. She is now mad about the baby but it could have gone the other way.

But am just opening the scenario out for people's opinions.

awec

This post has been deleted.

The Lovely Muffin

No way I would have children just to keep my partner happy.

Luckily myself and my boyfriend don't want kids, but if either of us changed our minds in the future we'd have to have a serious discussion about it, I certainly wouldn't expect him to go along with having a baby just to keep me happy and he wouldn't expect me to have a baby just to keep him happy.

OldNotWIse

I have a feeling my OH doesnt want kids. For us, if we both wanted a child it would have to be planned as we would be going down the sperm donor route. I dont think its right to consent to having a child to keep your partner happy, but I am hoping my partner will come around at some point. I am sure if we had a child she would love it the same as me, but I dont want to force her into it. I'm so broody at the moment, I can't pass a baby without feeling like I want one! And time is not on my side!

Ickle Magoo

I am a friend wrote: »

In fairness to her, he told her this after they met and she took time to think about it and chose to continue with the relationship. She is now mad about the baby but it could have gone the other way.

It's obviously great it worked out but the potential for marriages/parent-child relationships being ruined when taking that kind of risk is just enormous...certainly too big for me.

awec wrote: »

Easier to just "end the relationship" before your married.

Totally different ballgame after you are married. Imagine you had been married to someone for 5 or 6 years and they changed their mind, wouldn't exactly be as clear cut as "end the relationship".

Well, it is really the same under-pinning logic. If hopes/dreams/aspirations haven't changed but a partners view of sharing them has then there is still a decision to make - albeit with greater attachments/sentimentality. Do you forgo what you want/don't want in life for the sake of a relationship where your partner has now moved the goal-posts you agreed to and signed up for? Or have the goal-posts been moved to a point you would never have agreed to a relationship if those conditions had been present. Plenty risk there for resentment to kill off the relationship regardless.

Novella

awec wrote: »

Easier to just "end the relationship" before your married.

Totally different ballgame after you are married. Imagine you had been married to someone for 5 or 6 years and they changed their mind, wouldn't exactly be as clear cut as "end the relationship".

I still thinking ending the relationship is reasonable. What good would we be together if we wanted such hugely different things? Why should one person have to settle? It's fine if it's settling for something meaningless but having a child is life-changing. It's not something I would ever want to do to keep another happy, nor would I ever want a partner of mine to feel that he had to have children with me if he didn't want to.

I actually do want to have children some day and if I married someone who agreed with the sentiment and then "changed his mind", I would be massively upset. I do think I'd leave the marriage, I truly do. It would be different if we discovered we couldn't have children but if we didn't share the same vision for the future, I'd rather be alone or find somebody who did.

Malari

No it would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. Probably for him too. It's something I've felt stronger about as I got older and something we've talked about many times in the relationship, so it would be a real about-turn if one of us was to change our mind now!

Having said that, many people are not so clear-cut about what they want early in a relationship. They assume they will come to an age where they start to feel they are "ready" for children. Sometimes that never happens though. So I don't see it as a clear-cut issue of incompatibility, unless you are very aware of the differences of opinion entering the relatiosnhip.

I do know a couple in their mid-thirties where he really wants kids and she doesn't but will probably have them as a compromise. And she will probably love them. Few parents don't love their kids when it comes down to it. I just hope she doesn't resent them.

And I don't know if the "ultimatum" accusations are that fair. I've seen threads in PI from time to time where a people are fully supported and encouraged to leave a relationship if their partner doesn't want kids and they do (or vice versa). It's more a case of "I really want kids and if you don't then I have to explore that opportunity with someone else" rather than "I want kids, if you love me enough you'll have them with me."

kingtut

I have no desire whatsoever to have children, for me there are far more cons than pros !! If I was told "get my pregnant or it's over" then they would soon be out the door.

My sister has two children and for years my mum keeps saying she wants more grandkids and looks at me with puppy dog eyes. Everytime I tell her I do not want kids she laughs and says "ye right that will change"... :rolleyes: if only she knew it won't!!!

Malari

kingtut wrote: »

My sister has two children and for years my mum keeps saying she wants more grandkids and looks at me with puppy dog eyes. Everytime I tell her I do not want kids she laughs and says "ye right that will change"... :rolleyes: if only she knew it won't!!!

When my boyfriend's mother pulls that trick we show her a picture of our cat Her "other" grandchild.

Ickle Magoo

Malari wrote: »

And I don't know if the "ultimatum" accusations are that fair. I've seen threads in PI from time to time where a people are fully supported and encouraged to leave a relationship if their partner doesn't want kids and they do (or vice versa). It's more a case of "I really want kids and if you don't then I have to explore that opportunity with someone else" rather than "I want kids, if you love me enough you'll have them with me."

I absolutely agree with that - where it crosses the line for me is knowing yet wilfully ignoring your partner not wanting to be a father/mother and all the enormous associated risks purely in order to satiate your own wants/needs. If both agree to discuss at a later date, or talk and decide one really wants kids and the other wouldn't mind having kids, that's one thing...but going ahead with parenthood knowing your partner is only going through with it to appease you and would actually rather not have a child - I still don't think that's a healthy approach at all...tho granted each situation/relationship dynamic is going to be different and it's quite possible the OP's friend didn't let on she was only going ahead with parenthood to keep her partner/keep her partner happy.

2rkehij30qtza5

Kids should be a wanted product of your love for one another. Myself and my hubby are very compatible with one another and for things as important as this, we want the same.

cch

I remember a guy in work (a D4 type in his 50s) telling me he knew "a fair few couples" where they had a baby and the woman basically said "here, now you look after it, I'm going back to work"!

If a couple are reasonably comfortable financially (i.e. can easily afford childcare) and the woman didn't really want kids but never said "no, never ever, not me" then I could see how they might have a child if the man asked... It could also be seen as another thing off the list, or something to stop people interfering...

The Lovely Muffin

kingtut wrote: »

My sister has two children and for years my mum keeps saying she wants more grandkids and looks at me with puppy dog eyes. Everytime I tell her I do not want kids she laughs and says "ye right that will change"... :rolleyes: if only she knew it won't!!!

I hate this crap, my family are the same.

When I was 19 I was asked how many kids I want, I said none, I'm not maternal and want no kids of my own, I was told "you're young, you'll change your mind, everyone want kids"

I'm 21 now, and every now and then I am asked if I want kids, I give the same answer as I always do "no, I don't want kids" and am told I'm young and I'll change my mind.

I have known since I was a teenager that I don't want children, but of course being young means I can't possibly know what I do/don't want. :rolleyes:
I ha

cch

Also just remembered an Indian woman I work with. She's a total techie, married about two years and has a baby that's nearly a year old. And she told me she hates kids, was spitting the words out, eyes wide with disgust. Doesn't have a good thing to say about the baby and if she has to leave early because the baby is sick she's absolutely fuming, sees the baby as a total inconvenience.
Probably a different cultural situation there though, at least she said her husband loves children.
Though she asked me one day about getting the coil fitted, I nearly frogmarched her straight to the nearest Well Woman clinic...

Daisy M

No I would'nt have had children if I had'nt wanted them it's too much of a gamble to take with someone elses life.

I think and maybe I am wrong that men are more easily persuaded by their partner into having children when they dont want them than women are.

LegacyUser

It is a big decision for a couple to have a child.
A child should be wanted by both parents and not just as another thing to tick off your list.
I know one lady who was with her other half for 10 years and asked him when where they getting married and having a family. He told her I don't want this. She broke up with him and they got back together after this. This lady is now in her 40's and never had the family she wanted because she though he would change his mind and never did. If one half of a couple don't want children they should tell there oh half this and not stay together as a couple for years because they don't want to have this chat.
A child deserves to have both parents who want her or him. A child should not be used to keep a couple together. A child who grows up in this situation could know in time that this happened. Also you could have a baby who is sick or disabled which is hard on the strongest couple with out taking into consideration that only one person in the relationship wanted the baby in the first place.

solerina

I am reasonably certain that I dont ever want children....however I do wonder will I regret it when I am in my 60s/70s and have no proper family to care about what happens to me....

Neyite

It baffles me that some people dont sound each other out on major issues like this before they get serious about each other. Its not an issue you can compromise on- you cant have half a baby.

I've known, or more accurately, hoped, that children were in my future. With my partner now, I was clear it was in my future, and that if I moved in with him, then it was with the understanding we were heading in that direction. If I had had doubts that he wanted a family, then the relationship wouldnt have continued past the first year. I certainly would not marry someone without first knowing we agree on the main issues.

Fiona

I would ask my husband to close the door on his way out if he offered me a ultimatium like that.

analucija

I might decide not to have children if my partner wouldn't want them. I just like living with him way too much and it would be very hard for me to be as happy with somebody else.

Btw I love animals but I absolutely hate it when people consider their pets to be their children. They are not and will never be.

CathyMoran

I sounded out boyfriends near the begining - if they did not want children then they were not right for me. As it turns out when my husband and I married it did not look like it would be possible for us to have children though we both wanted them but we were lucky to have our two.

anyone thinking about having kids to keep their OH happy, i would advise them to read the novel 'we need to talk about kevin'

should put them off!!

OakeyDokey

Fiona wrote: »

I would ask my husband to close the door on his way out if he offered me a ultimatium like that.

I don't think it is as harsh as that though. Her partner wanted kids which isn't a sin and I can understand how desperate people are for children of their own (I have relatives going through it) He's just telling her what he's feeling. Now if he was manipulating her into it then that would be bad of course.

The worse thing I can see is if she had the child without really wanting it and ending up resenting the child. Even if it means a relationship ending it does not excuse having a child just to keep a relationship together.

To answer the OP's question. Unless I was 100% happy to bring a child into this world then I wouldn't and if that meant the end of a relationship then unfortunately that's the way it would have to go.

Fiona

OakeyDokey wrote: »

The worse thing I can see is if she had the child without really wanting it and ending up resenting the child.

Yeah and thats enough of an excuse for me to not go through with it, end up resenting the child, ruin your life, their life and possibly your husbands!

Kooli

I think all this talk of ultimatums is highly unfair!

I don't think I'd need to be 100% for babies in order to agree to have one (how many people are 100% sure before they have one?).

I'd definitely have to be above 50%. Or else he'd have to be willing to be the primary caregiver as much as possible. Then I'd consider it.

cena

i KNOW a women that only had kids because he wanted kids. she the oldest lately she hated him and never wanted him. he only nine.

They should never of had kids.

Shivers26

I would be very unhappy to be issued an ultimatum like that.

It's a hot topic in my house lately. We have 2 children but both are at school now so our baby days are over. However, we are only recently married and are being put under a lot of pressure to have a child in wedlock because 'it's the right thing to do'.

Anyway, my husband would love more children and I really wouldn't but he is very respectful of my wishes and never pushes me on it. Maybe I will change my mind and maybe I won't but I couldn't have a baby just to please him, that would be horribly unfair on all concerned.

OldNotWIse

analucija wrote: »

I might decide not to have children if my partner wouldn't want them. I just like living with him way too much and it would be very hard for me to be as happy with somebody else.

Btw I love animals but I absolutely hate it when people consider their pets to be their children. They are not and will never be.

How does it affect you what others consider their pets to be?

the_syco

I am a friend wrote: »

A friend of mine just had her first baby because her (now) hubby wanted children and it was a condition of them staying together. He is way more into the whole thing still than she is.

What will she do a few years down the road when a condition of them staying together is a MFM or a FFM three way?

=-=

From a dude's perspective, I'd walk. Not sure if I want kids or not, probably will have them, but if someone gives the question it as an ultimatum, I'd walk.

confusticated

I just think it would be so likely to end in resentment on one side or another at some stage. And it's horribly unfair to do that to a child - they didn't ask to be born or force either parent to have them, so they shouldn't be held accountable for a parent missing out on stuff they could've done if they hadn't had them...not expressing this really well, but there were a couple of posts talking of people who said to their kids that they hadn't been wanted etc. If it's true, good God keep that in your head, don't say it to your kid no matter how old they are!:(

So to answer the question, no, no way.

Although I'm pretty sure the ultimatums could come out of healthy discussion, it's probably not "we have kids or I leave you" out of the blue like.

notsobusy

Shivers26 wrote: »

I would be very unhappy to be issued an ultimatum like that.

It's a hot topic in my house lately. We have 2 children but both are at school now so our baby days are over. However, we are only recently married and are being put under a lot of pressure to have a child in wedlock because 'it's the right thing to do'.

Anyway, my husband would love more children and I really wouldn't but he is very respectful of my wishes and never pushes me on it. Maybe I will change my mind and maybe I won't but I couldn't have a baby just to please him, that would be horribly unfair on all concerned.

Oh my goodness!! Can't believe people are so pushy I would freak at the people pushing that!

My mother met my OH for coffee when we were in the beginning stages of seeing each other and told him to stay away from me and not to waste my time if he didn't want children! :mad::D

He's a good bit older than me and it was thought that because he was in his late 40's and he didn't have children that he didn't want them. We are together 4 years and about to have our first child! It's not about compromise but we were both happy enough to have children if they came along. We do plan on getting married next year too and we are being pushed to get married before the baby is due.

analucija

OldNotWIse wrote: »

How does it affect you what others consider their pets to be?

It doesn't but it annoys the hell out of me when somebody thinks owning a dog is the same commitment, responsibility or work comparable to having children. I love animals, we have a great dog and I would love to have a cat if I wouldn't be afraid that it will end up being dog's dinner. But you can't compare it to the love and responsibility you feel for the child to one you feel for the pet. I'd die for my child and I certainly wouldn't die for my dog. There is the difference. Besides no pet can return the love (or hatred when they are in puberty ) that child can.

Malari

analucija wrote: »

I might decide not to have children if my partner wouldn't want them. I just like living with him way too much and it would be very hard for me to be as happy with somebody else.

Btw I love animals but I absolutely hate it when people consider their pets to be their children. They are not and will never be.

Just in case you were referring to my comment earlier, it was a joke. I don't consider my cat to actually be my child. For me, he's much, much better

Shivers26

notsobusy wrote: »

Oh my goodness!! Can't believe people are so pushy I would freak at the people pushing that!

.

Yes, it is quite irritating. We wouldn't be able to afford another child for a good while even if we did want one.

Malari wrote: »

Just in case you were referring to my comment earlier, it was a joke. I don't consider my cat to actually be my child. For me, he's much, much better

I bet he never comes in looking for a tenner so he can go to a No Name disco :rolleyes:

analucija

Malari wrote: »

Just in case you were referring to my comment earlier, it was a joke. I don't consider my cat to actually be my child. For me, he's much, much better

It had a feeling your comment was tongue in cheek, even I would jokingly refer to our dog as the child. In his own mind he is still higher on the pecking order than our son and probably me as well anyway.

It just reminded me of couple of people that did expect me to treat their pets as I would treat a child. While I can make allowances for spoiled little brats, I'm not prepared to make the same allowances for somebody's pets.

Das Kitty

What about those of us who aren't really bothered either way?

My husband wanted kids far more than I did. I don't think I will ever truly understand his level of need for children. We decided to have our first when I was 29. It was very much a decision for me, there wasn't a huge amount of emotion attached apart from a desire to have something of both of us in the world.

We had always said we'd have more but last year I started to freak out about the prospect. I started to wonder how I would cope if, god forbid, our next child was severly disabled. In the end I thought about what if James was disabled and how I would feel about him. The answer was that I would probably love him all the more. So that settled that fear.

I'm still delaying making the decision of going down that road again, that whole two year period around pregnancy and newborn stages is relentless. I'd be happy enough to stop at one, but my husband very much wants at least one more. And I want him (and James) to be as happy as possible, and if I can do it without making myself miserable in the process, I will.

Malari

Shivers26 wrote: »

I bet he never comes in looking for a tenner so he can go to a No Name disco :rolleyes:

Nope. And when he gets up in the middle of the night needing the toilet we can just open the door and go back to bed It's really frowned on when you do that with children.

I wonder if some people have kids just to keep their parents happy, as people have mentioned parental pressure in the thread....

OldNotWIse

Malari wrote: »

Just in case you were referring to my comment earlier, it was a joke. I don't consider my cat to actually be my child. For me, he's much, much better

Animals dont answer back, they tend to be happier to see you when you get home, and they're far lower down on the committment scale as they do not live as long as people

Malari

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Animals dont answer back, they tend to be happier to see you when you get home, and they're far lower down on the committment scale as they do not live as long as people

And don't say they never give you anything. We got a dead pigeon this morning, artfully decorating the hall floor with it's feathers. :rolleyes:

OldNotWIse

analucija wrote: »

It doesn't but it annoys the hell out of me when somebody thinks owning a dog is the same commitment, responsibility or work comparable to having children. I love animals, we have a great dog and I would love to have a cat if I wouldn't be afraid that it will end up being dog's dinner. But you can't compare it to the love and responsibility you feel for the child to one you feel for the pet. I'd die for my child and I certainly wouldn't die for my dog. There is the difference. Besides no pet can return the love (or hatred when they are in puberty ) that child can.

I'm not really sure why you are trying to instigate an "animal vs child" competition - I dont see anyone on here claiming that pets are better than children or as much work

I have five cats, a dog (and one injured bird that I am hoping is going to take off soon). I love them all and I joke about them being "my babies" and yes they are a lot of work, but I dont have to worry about my dog being molested in the park if I take my eyes off her for a second, or my cats speech development being a little slow, or whether I should vaccinate them or what boarding facilities offer the best "all round education" :rolleyes: I have friends with children and I certainly do not go around telling them that I have as much responsibility or committment as they have, or that my dog loves me more than their children love them... They are two completely different things!

I definitely want children (real children) some day

OldNotWIse

Malari wrote: »

And don't say they never give you anything. We got a dead pigeon this morning, artfully decorating the hall floor with it's feathers. :rolleyes:

Ick :eek:

SarahBeep!

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Malari wrote: »

And don't say they never give you anything. We got a dead pigeon this morning, artfully decorating the hall floor with it's feathers. :rolleyes:

Ick :eek:

Its a sign off affection! Haha my cat is too fat/lazy to hunt.

analucija

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I'm not really sure why you are trying to instigate an "animal vs child" competition - I dont see anyone on here claiming that pets are better than children or as much work

I have five cats, a dog (and one injured bird that I am hoping is going to take off soon). I love them all and I joke about them being "my babies" and yes they are a lot of work, but I don't have to worry about my dog being molested in the park if I take my eyes off her for a second, or my cats speech development being a little slow, or whether I should vaccinate them or what boarding facilities offer the best "all round education" :rolleyes: I have friends with children and I certainly do not go around telling them that I have as much responsibility or commitment as they have, or that my dog loves me more than their children love them... They are two completely different things!

I definitely want children (real children) some day

As I said the comment here reminded me of couple of acquaintances of mine who annoy the hell out of me. And it's not mummy pride being hurt, because it annoyed me waaay before I had a child. And while I am at it I should also start criticizing the current obsession with little darlings, their best possible education, ballet classes, swimming lessons, home activities and blah blah but I have a feeling I might end in even more hot water over it.

OldNotWIse

analucija wrote: »

As I said the comment here reminded me of couple of acquaintances of mine who annoy the hell out of me. And it's not mummy pride being hurt, because it annoyed me waaay before I had a child. And while I am at it I should also start criticizing the current obsession with little darlings, their best possible education, ballet classes, swimming lessons, home activities and blah blah but I have a feeling I might end in even more hot water over it.

A dangerous road to go down alright, though I'd happily go down it with ya I remember a woman in work bemoaning all the cuts etc and just generally complaining about this "new poverty" we are all experiencing - her examples of said poverty? She had to take the children out of some of their extra-curricular activities... :rolleyes: "Really? God thats terrible, well there's a bit of perspective for the child who goes to school with no food in his belly and relies on the "breakfast club" to keep him going"