I am being stalked by the 'broody' monster

Itwasntme.

I don't want children for a variety of reasons, among them the fact that they've never really elicited any feelings other than indifference from me. Until now. For some reason, I am seeing them everywhere but that's not the scary part. No. I catch myself smiling when I see a baby in a pram on the street; make funny faces at kids on the bus...:eek:

Anyone else going through the same thing? My idea of a nightmare is being tricked by my hormones into ignoring the very long list of reasons I don't want to have children. How do I turn this off? I've considered getting my baby making apparatus tied.

RacoonQueen

Yep. Always said I don't want kids, and still don't. There's so many things about the whole process and life with a child that I would detest, it turns my stomach.

Then I see my nephew, who I love to bits and who adores me. When he runs to me for a hug and a kiss, or snuggles in when he's crying or upset or hurt. My heart melts. Then I see him be a cranky little sh*t and I remember why I hate kids. :pac:

Quality

Girls check out pictures of stretch marks and episiotomy scars, that should do the turn off trick for you!

Itwasntme.

Quality wrote: »

Girls check out pictures of stretch marks and episiotomy scars, that should do the turn off trick for you!

Done. Not scary at all. I have dissected all manner of freshly dead things for a class so scars and stretch marks don't even rank on the scale of things I would find revolting.

I need some hard core scary inside info on why kids are a bad idea- the kind of things parents repress because uttering them out loud would make them bad people.

The fact that I am posting about kids at ten past midnight is a different level of scary.

Princess Peach

I'm not even at the age where I have made a decision about children yet, but I still coo and awe over babies and kids all the time!

They are super cute, but just remind yourself when you are with a child you aren't taking them home! You don't need to turn it off, you can like children and still not want to raise one yourself. If you do decide maybe its something you want, write a list of all the things that are involved in children before trying!

Kids are really great, but a lot more to them than them looking adorable! Were you always like this? I've always liked children, but still have never made a firm decision about having my own.

Itwasntme.

Princess Peach wrote: »

I'm not even at the age where I have made a decision about children yet, but I still coo and awe over babies and kids all the time!

They are super cute, but just remind yourself when you are with a child you aren't taking them home! You don't need to turn it off, you can like children and still not want to raise one yourself. If you do decide maybe its something you want, write a list of all the things that are involved in children before trying!

Kids are really great, but a lot more to them than them looking adorable! Were you always like this? I've always liked children, but still have never made a firm decision about having my own.

I am 28 and have not wanted kids from as far back as I can remember. I had a rather 'different' childhood and that contributes in part to my reasons for not wanting children- growing up has only reinforced these reasons.

I am so scared of meeting some guy, falling in love and being blindsided by the combination of being in love and my body's ticking clock. I broke up with my ex (who to this day I still think is the great love of my life) because he loves children and I knew I could never give him what he wants. That was before I got attacked by the brood monster. I honestly imagined myself immune to baby juice. I also have friends in their mid-thirties who never wanted kids and are now baby crazy. Some went proper bonkers and married men they would never have been with before had it not been for the blasted baby craziness. I don't want to be those people. I know it's a little early to be freaking out but I would like to be well armed and prepared when the hormones bring it.

*Just re-read my post and it totally sounds like I am having a fight with an imaginary foe but I assure you I am not crazy.

Fizzlesque

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I don't want children for a variety of reasons, among them the fact that they've never really elicited any feelings other than indifference from me. Until now. For some reason, I am seeing them everywhere but that's not the scary part. No. I catch myself smiling when I see a baby in a pram on the street; make funny faces at kids on the bus...:eek:

Anyone else going through the same thing? My idea of a nightmare is being tricked by my hormones into ignoring the very long list of reasons I don't want to have children. How do I turn this off? I've considered getting my baby making apparatus tied.

Hormones (especially the baby making variety) are seriously powerful critters, and they're sneaky little sods too. So, I think you're right to take a 'do I want them [babies] because I want them, or is my pesky biological clock telling me I want them' style of questioning to this new-found funny face making to kids on buses/smiling at babies in prams experience. It's pesky, and make no mistake, this reproductive urge, but it also has a shelf life. It won't taunt you forever - and if your variety of reasons for not having one are solid and based on more than just having never wanted them in the past, then you've a good chance of making it through this current situation.

However, it's also possible, you've now reached (or are reaching) a point in your life where babies are something that appeal to you, in which case, I'd say, give your mind time to catch up with your hormones, because they might just end up on the same page one day.

Alternatively, spend as much time as possible with other people's kids while they're being really annoying and badly behaved, and then, just when you feel you can't take any more, leave and go do something you enjoy that wouldn't be possible if you had a child to take care of....if you do this enough times, eventually the combination of time passing (and that pesky biological clock losing its strength) and the freedom to have fun that can only be had (regularly, freely and without concern for small, hungry bellies or tired little eyes) without children in tow will either lose its lustre or remain as much fun as it always was.

If all that fails, remember that babies become children, and then cranky (not always, but often) teenagers, and then young adults whose changing worlds, emotions, trials and difficulties you'll always feel are also yours to carry.

I'd better stop now because I was tempted to temper that last bit of negative talk about children with the positives, but that's another post for another day.

Best of luck, with whichever road you take.

beks101

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I catch myself smiling when I see a baby in a pram on the street; make funny faces at kids on the bus...:eek:

Is this really broodiness though?

I'd classify myself as distinctly un-broody and I do this all the time. Any time I see a baby or small child actually. They're cute and squidgy and they provoke that response in me almost instinctively, but then so do small animals and fluffy teddy bears.

It definitely doesn't mean my ovaries are twitching or anything. I'm still undecided on that front, I'm 27 and probably should have a better idea but I'm genuinely nowhere close to that frame of mind yet and it will definitely be in my 30s, if at all.

But yeah. The smiling and funny faces and weird baby noises. I do it all the time!

Fiona

Two books for you to read, The Childless Revolution and Child Free By Choice, that will put you right.

Never wanted kids myself and like one poster was engaged to the absolute love of my life but we had to end it as he wanted kids and I didn't

I have never really found myself even looking at kids and what it would be like to have my own.

I can't get past the resentment that I would have for my partner because I would be the one that would have to sacrifice my body, career and freedom to give birth to and raise a child.

I know there are two parents but sorry the mother always has the most responsibilty, and I am just to selfish to give up my life to raise a family.

I only want to be two types of women in my lifetime... a wife and a lover

Itwasntme.

beks101 wrote: »

Is this really broodiness though?

I'd classify myself as distinctly un-broody and I do this all the time. Any time I see a baby or small child actually. They're cute and squidgy and they provoke that response in me almost instinctively, but then so do small animals and fluffy teddy bears.

It definitely doesn't mean my ovaries are twitching or anything. I'm still undecided on that front, I'm 27 and probably should have a better idea but I'm genuinely nowhere close to that frame of mind yet and it will definitely be in my 30s, if at all.

But yeah. The smiling and funny faces and weird baby noises. I do it all the time!

Maybe this would not generally be considered being broody but I imagine this is what broody looks and feels like for me. For a little more context, I posted this after seeing a random baby ad on RTE and thinking 'oh...how cute' and then before I could digest that thought, it was followed sneakily by 'I want to hold it' :eek:! I am just not that person- the kind who makes funny faces and whatnot, which is why catching myself at it is unsettling to say the least.

Fiona wrote: »

Two books for you to read, The Childless Revolution and Child Free By Choice, that will put you right.

Never wanted kids myself and like one poster was engaged to the absolute love of my life but we had to end it as he wanted kids and I didn't

I have never really found myself even looking at kids and what it would be like to have my own.

I can't get past the resentment that I would have for my partner because I would be the one that would have to sacrifice my body, career and freedom to give birth to and raise a child.

I know there are two parents but sorry the mother always has the most responsibilty, and I am just to selfish to give up my life to raise a family.

I only want to be two types of women in my lifetime... a wife and a lover

Thanks for the tips on the books. I am with you on one half of the type of woman I want to be in my lifetime. Lover, friend, sister and champion for the things I believe in, yes. Mother? I'll pass.

Side note: why is not wanting to raise a family considered selfish and viewed as 'giving up' your life?

Fiona

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Side note: why is not wanting to raise a family considered selfish and viewed as 'giving up' your life?

Well not so much giving up your life but putting it on hold? I never want to settle for second best in life.

I have my career and my hobbies and they are the most important thing to me in the world as they are what make me happy.

I would not be content to have a baby and to have to put all that on hold, I would resent my partner being able to go off to work and just not have to have the worries that I would have as a mother or the responsibility.

Plus I would never want to be left holding the baby either. The worst possible thing that could happen to me would be to be left as a single parent. Yeah sure it happens to people all the time and they cope but I don't want to cope.

I like my life the way it is and the person who chooses to share it with me will just have to want the same or else it will never work.

Ayla

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I need some hard core scary inside info on why kids are a bad idea- the kind of things parents repress because uttering them out loud would make them bad people.

OP, if you want a real, accurate portrayal of parenthood, I don't think it gets more honest than this:

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/05/22/whack-a-mole/

It's humerous, but real. Parenthood isn't always pretty, but if you have your own well-thought-out reasons for not wanting to go there then just don't.

Itwasntme.

Ayla wrote: »

OP, if you want a real, accurate portrayal of parenthood, I don't think it gets more honest than this:

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/05/22/whack-a-mole/

It's humerous, but real. Parenthood isn't always pretty, but if you have your own well-thought-out reasons for not wanting to go there then just don't.

Thanks for the link Ayla. Momastery is funny. And cute.

norrie rugger

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I don't want children for a variety of reasons, among them the fact that they've never really elicited any feelings other than indifference from me. Until now. For some reason, I am seeing them everywhere but that's not the scary part. No. I catch myself smiling when I see a baby in a pram on the street; make funny faces at kids on the bus...:eek:

Anyone else going through the same thing? My idea of a nightmare is being tricked by my hormones into ignoring the very long list of reasons I don't want to have children. How do I turn this off? I've considered getting my baby making apparatus tied.

FFS I am a guy and starting to feel the same!!

Ickle Magoo

Itwasntme. wrote: »

No. I catch myself smiling when I see a baby in a pram on the street; make funny faces at kids on the bus...:eek:

I do this and I have two kids and have absolutely zero interest in having any more so I wouldn't assume that's necessarily got anything to do with broodiness....I'd go so far as to say I'd consider being comfortable enough with your own views on kids/having kids that you aren't scared to see them as cute or don't have to hysterically view parenthood as some kind of potentially infection disease as quite a positive thing.

Think like anything else in life, it's just a case of sitting down and working out the pro's and con's...maybe even accept that people, including yourself, may change their minds. I spent many, many years absolutely resolute that I would never have children and much like you that was influenced to a large degree by my own life experiences - but people can and do change. I'm not sure trying to get people to convince you that you don't want children is very wise - perhaps it would be better to just go with the flow and allow yourself to change or reinforce your own views naturally as you go through life?

All the best. :cool:

There's nothing wrong with not having kids if you don't want them - some people never do and that's fine

but I don't think you should be trying to fight how you feel in this either. We all change a bit as time goes by, and I don't think clinging to how you feel now about kids and determining that now matter how you ever feel in future, this is the cutoff point of listening to your self, is right.
Go with the flow. Do the things you want to do. And if one day you decide for yourself you want them, maybe it's not the end of the world. And if you don't ever want them after all this worrying, that's fine too

Fiona

bluewolf wrote: »

And if one day you decide for yourself you want them, maybe it's not the end of the world. And if you don't ever want them after all this worrying, that's fine too

That's the best bit of advice you will get op:)


(it's ok to change your mind!)

Itwasntme.

Thanks everyone for the advice. A little more context- because of my life experiences, I am more than a little broken on the inside. I would make a horrible parent. I remember being eight and kneeling on my bed at four in the morning, praying to whomever was listening (I still believed then, not so sure now) to obliterate me. When that did not happen, I vowed that I would never put another child through what I felt at the time.

Of course, things have changed and I don't quite hate my life so much but that moment stuck with me and I would HATE to satisfy my own selfish needs at the expense of an innocent child. So no, having kids is not an option. If fizzlesque is right, I just need to wait it out. Mind over matter would be my mantra of choice, only I'm being cussed by my mind.

Fiona

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice. A little more context- because of my life experiences, I am more than a little broken on the inside. I would make a horrible parent. I remember being eight and kneeling on my bed at four in the morning, praying to whomever was listening (I still believed then, not so sure now) to obliterate me. When that did not happen, I vowed that I would never put another child through what I felt at the time.

Of course, things have changed and I don't quite hate my life so much but that moment stuck with me and I would HATE to satisfy my own selfish needs at the expense of an innocent child. So no, having kids is not an option. If fizzlesque is right, I just need to wait it out. Mind over matter would be my mantra of choice, only I'm being cussed by my mind.

Yes but surely your own experiences would make you want to be a better parent? A lot of bad things happened to me when I was a child but I would not let that form my decision, just a thought, you will do what is right for you in the end xxx

Giselle

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I vowed that I would never put another child through what I felt at the time.

You also have the benefit of insight, in spite of, or perhaps because of, those experiences.

You are not doomed to repeat history, hold on to that.

Ickle Magoo

Itwasntme. wrote:

Thanks everyone for the advice. A little more context- because of my life experiences, I am more than a little broken on the inside. I would make a horrible parent. I remember being eight and kneeling on my bed at four in the morning, praying to whomever was listening (I still believed then, not so sure now) to obliterate me. When that did not happen, I vowed that I would never put another child through what I felt at the time.

Of course, things have changed and I don't quite hate my life so much but that moment stuck with me and I would HATE to satisfy my own selfish needs at the expense of an innocent child. So no, having kids is not an option. If fizzlesque is right, I just need to wait it out. Mind over matter would be my mantra of choice, only I'm being cussed by my mind.

Either way, you need to work out what is best for you. I'm not trying to convince you one way or the other...I would just be wary that your own experiences are holding you back from doing something you actually would like to do but don't think you'd be capable of.

I had a horrendous start to life and I carry many of the emotional scars related to that to this day - I always will to some degree...I spent most of my life viewing parenthood through my own childhood eyes and had myself convinced I would be the worst parent in the world and that pretty much anyone having children were just being selfish/bordering on cruelty.

I think because of that I'm one of those people who wouldn't have really been bothered at not having kids, I certainly didn't have any over-powering wish to have them...in fact, I was bloody terrified when I found out I was pregnant....but guess what? I'm not a monster and my kids aren't having the nightmare childhood I suffered.

Now, that said, you may well be much happier/more satisfied/much prefer not being a parent and I am not trying to suggest in any way, shape or forum that that's not also perfectly normal/okay/good - just make sure you feel that way for the right reasons and not just because you don't have enough faith in yourself thanks to shít you had no control over...because I've been there and it sucks.

Okay, enough of my amateur psychology - all the best OP.

Malari

Giselle has it exactly right. You know what you went through was awful and for that very reason you might be an excellent parent.

For what it's worth, I have never once felt broody and the feeling that I don't want kids has only got stronger for me as I got older. I have never looked at kids the same way I look at dogs or cats or other animals and think they are cute. I pay attention to friends' kids, but because they are my friends' kids, not because they are kids

Daisy M

I do not want any more children I have 3 whom I love to more than anything and while sometimes the idea of another baby may be tempting I am practical that financially it would be hard and it would mean that my 3 older guys would miss out on lots of different things like holidays, friends over and more importantly a lot of my time. So while I find little ones cute and they make my heart flip I am not overwhealmed with the need to have one and from the sounds of it op neither do you.

I am so sorry to hear you had such a terrible childhood, your description of that night brought tears to my eyes. No child should ever go through that. Dont ever belittle yourself into believing that you are capable of putting someone else through what you experienced, believe in yourself and make decisions that will make you happy.


The article ayla linked to is funny but to be honest no article no matter how well written will give true insight into parent hood to make a decision based on articles either gushing about how great parenthood is or how hard it is would be a big mistake.

neuro-praxis

It's important that we make our significant life decisions from a place of healing, rather than brokenness. Focus on your healing and well-being and flourishing...and then you will know better what you truly want, because the fears will be quieted. The decision of an eight year-old, broken-hearted girl who deserved to be cherished can be overturned, if at a later date she so desires.

RacoonQueen

bluewolf wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with not having kids if you don't want them - some people never do and that's fine

but I don't think you should be trying to fight how you feel in this either. We all change a bit as time goes by, and I don't think clinging to how you feel now about kids and determining that now matter how you ever feel in future, this is the cutoff point of listening to your self, is right.
Go with the flow. Do the things you want to do. And if one day you decide for yourself you want them, maybe it's not the end of the world. And if you don't ever want them after all this worrying, that's fine too

This is it. Right now as a single person in my mid-twenties, it's not even on the radar anyway, but my lifestyle would not support kids. I'd have to sacrifice most of the things that makes me me in order to incubate a child and then struggle to get back to myself after the birth.

In 3 years time I could be all loved up(ugh :pac: ) and want nothing more than to breed with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I am a friend

Fiona wrote: »

I never want to settle for second best in life.

I think a lot of people would disagree that raising a family is a second rate existence....

I didn't want to have kids til my mid 30's and was lucky enough recently to have one. I am not interested in joining the various mother and baby groups around as I don't enjoy baby talk and don't even particularly enjoy other people's kids. On top of that I am allergic to baby bores so having a kid does not change you unless you want it to.

My attitude to kids was the same as most of ye until, as I said, my mid 30's and I think ultimately logic finds it hard to trump instinct. Just keep an open mind op.

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

It's important that we make our significant life decisions from a place of healing, rather than brokenness. Focus on your healing and well-being and flourishing...and then you will know better what you truly want, because the fears will be quieted. The decision of an eight year-old, broken-hearted girl who deserved to be cherished can be overturned, if at a later date she so desires.

Bloody great post well worth repeating NP.

Daisy M

I am a friend wrote: »

I think a lot of people would disagree that raising a family is a second rate existence....
.

In fairness I think Fiona feels that for her it would be a second rate existance and she doesnt believe that it is for people who do choose to have children.

Having children is one of those few choices in life that is more or less irreversable. Its not something like emigrating where you can change your mind if you feel you have made the wrong choice, so I think people who are sure they dont want children are right not to take a leap of faith just to find out if they are right or not. However many people do change their minds and never regret doing so. I dont feel sorry for people who dont have children by choice but for me having children is the best thing I ever did, They bring so a happiness that I could never have imagined and certainly never felt I lacked before I had them. I honestly dont have the words to describe how enriched my husband and my lives are since becoming parents.

coco_lola

I made a decision that I don't want kids, ever. But who am I to say that I won't meet an amazing guy who'll change my mind? However I adore other people's kids. I babysit regularly and love all kids, but then I go to Ikea on a Sunday and it reminds me exactly why I don't want kids.

I am a friend

Fair point daisy m.

I am finding the lifestyle change mind boggling as I had a fantastic time up to when I got pregnant. I do still miss the freedom of my old life, the travelling, socialising etc and while I absolutely adore my baba, I can fully understand why people choose not to have kids. Each to their own...

guernica

Hi OP,

That's weird I had almost the exactly the same conversation with my sister the other day. Intellectually I don't want children and never have but lately have found myself becoming slightly less averse to other people's kids. Unlike some posters/real life people who have no interest in having kids themselves but like other people's children I have never had any interest in spending time with any kids at all (or looking at them or hearing about them etc) - this is still the case but I'm no longer as averse to looking at photos of children or random children on buses...within reason.

Like you I'm worried my body's going to trick my mind into getting pregnant and then I'll end up with a baby I don't actually want!

Not an answer to your question I'm afraid but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one that feels this way...

Fizzlesque

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice. A little more context- because of my life experiences, I am more than a little broken on the inside. I would make a horrible parent. I remember being eight and kneeling on my bed at four in the morning, praying to whomever was listening (I still believed then, not so sure now) to obliterate me. When that did not happen, I vowed that I would never put another child through what I felt at the time.

Of course, things have changed and I don't quite hate my life so much but that moment stuck with me and I would HATE to satisfy my own selfish needs at the expense of an innocent child. So no, having kids is not an option. If fizzlesque is right, I just need to wait it out. Mind over matter would be my mantra of choice, only I'm being cussed by my mind.

Oh, Itwasntme, your post brought a tear to my eye. I felt every bit of what you wrote, because I too suffered as a child. The extent of the abuse (from my stepmother) and neglect (from my father neglecting to protect me from my stepmother) I suffered was so profound, I foolishly believed the advice my father gave me when I fell pregnant (from a one night stand) at the age of 20 that adoption would be the best solution. Ultimately I made the decision myself - once I learned I could remain in contact, semi-open adoption, I started to consider it as a possibility until it became the only solid plan I had. In the absence of an alternative I went ahead and agreed to let another woman bring my child up - my initial reaction to my father's suggestion to consider adoption was an absolute "no f---g way", but, over time, my father who always knew how to get into my mind and manipulate my thoughts and feelings, persuaded me I'd make a terrible mess of both our lives (mine and the baby's).

That was 23 years ago this year and boy have I changed in those 23 years - now I can't believe I once doubted my ability to cope, but I did doubt myself, and severely, because I, too, once was the broken child neuro-praxis wrote so beautifully about and believed every negative comment that was said to me. I was terrified I'd destroy my child's life, so instead I (almost) destroyed my own by allowing her to grow up elsewhere.

I agree with the other posters who have advised you not to assume you'd be a terrible parent because of what you experienced; if that's your reason for not wanting children, and one day you start to think you actually would quite like a baby, please don't listen to those doubts. If you think the hormones that tell women they want to have a baby, against any logical thoughts to the contrary, are powerful, let me tell you, you ain't seen nothing yet

---

giving birth blows your bloody mind off; in a good way and can make a woman feel so deeply for her child she's prepared to do anything to give that child a good life. Even break her own heart to do so

Oryx

I read all the posts here from those who suffered as children, and I feel priviledged because I did not. I had a normal, rough and tumble, loving upbringing. And in my teens and twenties, I still ended up fcuked up for a few years. So the thought that youll ruin your theoretical kids lives by repeating patterns is a myth. Regardless of upbringing, good or bad, your kids will have their own issues to deal with, and you cant help that. All any parent can hope for is to do their best.

I was that 'I dont want kids' solider too. All through my twenties I didnt even like being around kids. I couldnt relate to them, and avoided childrens parties and stuff as well (but in fairness even when I was a kid I had trouble relating to other kids )

And then at about 28 my friends started having babies. And I too, got mugged by my hormones. And it was the strangest thing. Totally irrational, you just WANT A CHILD. You see them everywhere, you are jealous of how lovely pregnant women look. For me, it was a complete 180 turn from how I used to feel.

After a few years of feeling quite torn about all this, (would I be a good mum, should I be a mum at all, I dont like kids!!....) I did have my own two children. I didnt enjoy pregnancy, when everything you do revolves around your condition. I didnt breastfeed because I really didnt like the idea, and I wanted MY body back, selfish as that sounds.

But now I have two little rugrats here, and I dont remember what or who I used to be before them. I have my own life, because I made sure I still did. I will never be a clucky earth mother, my life does not revolve around my kids, our lives fit in with each others. It is almost heresy to come out and say that these days, when kids needs are paramount, and they always come first. But dont get me wrong. I love the little sods, I get so much joy from them, and I am so glad we made the decision to have them. I dont think I would be as balanced or content (or time efficient) without them, and christ, 90% of the time kids are so funny, they do reward the effort it takes to raise them. BUT I certainly dont want any more, the thought fills me with horror, so obviously once my hormones had gotten their way, they left me alone again.

I suppose my reason for saying all that, is that there are no wrong decisions here. You can think for a long time that you dont want, or won't cope with a situation, but when it comes along, you do. Whether you have kids or whether you dont, youll learn things about yourself regardless. I hate the pressure that women are put under to have a family, its bad enough fighting that battle inside your own head when you are not maternal, without having society do it to you as well.


And on a practical note, it is very hard to get yourself sterilised. I tried after my second baby and the consultant I saw refused. He didnt trust that I knew my own mind.

Fizzlesque

Oryx wrote: »

And I too, got mugged by my hormones

Lovely post, Oryx. This ^ made me laugh, perfect description.

Dudess

I'm not ruling out becoming a parent but I don't have a major desire to be one either. I have liked the idea more when in serious relationships so I guess that's what it boils down to for me. I know there are wonderful aspects to it - the love and pride and joy people display re their kids is just gorgeous but the difficult aspects... oh god they seem scary! :eek:
I know you just cope and get on with it though when it happens and you've no other choice, but post natal depression is a frightening notion...

But while I LOVE babies, that doesn't mean in the least that I'm broody. I love babies because they're cute and fragile and funny and gorgeous and like dolls, doesn't mean I feel the same about sleep deprivation and nappy-changing!
Sorry, not trying to put a downer on things for new/expectant parents - if you long to be a parent, it's different, and in fairness I don't long to be a parent. Never have done.

I love that post, Neuro-praxis - it's gonna be my motto!
Btw, I'm not a fan of people saying they are too selfish to have kids. It's not selfishness, it's just knowing what you want, in the same way that HAVING kids (planned!) is knowing what you want.
Awful sad stories here too - clearly you've all come out the other side though, amazing ladies!

Ambersky

The time for me having babies has come and gone. Anyway during the brief period I was helping to raise a child I was helped very much by the people who ran the creche. They gave me some training in minding children and then gave me part time work.
I could see first hand the importance of things like routine in the childrens lives and the way it calms them and makes them feel safe.
Sometimes when you grow up with chaos it can help to see how other people operate, it doesnt mean you have to copy them but it can give you alternatives. There is help and advice out there if you want it and as they say parenting is one of the few jobs you dont get training or an education in so theres no shame in getting some advice.
http://www.dublin.ie/childcare/parenting-courses.htm

Dudess

I don't agree with people saying they'd make terrible parents too - you don't know!
A terrible parent is an abusive/neglectful one and most parents are the opposite.

Itwasntme.

Dudess wrote: »

I don't agree with people saying they'd make terrible parents too - you don't know!
A terrible parent is an abusive/neglectful one and most parents are the opposite.

I don't know Dudess- yes, I agree that most parents are the opposite but I also think that as much as we would like to think otherwise, sometimes our experiences leave permanent imprints. Imprints that mold and shape us into the people we grow up to be. Personally, I am incapable (at least I have been so far) of making emotional attachments. I can go for days, weeks even where I don't want to see anyone and even the sound of my flatmates' voices around the house makes me want to scream.

I know that I would try very hard not to repeat my parents' mistakes but I also know that by virtue of being human, I am likely to make mistakes and because of the memory of how they made me feel, I would hate myself if I made someone else feel the same.

Neuro-praxis' post about making decisions from a place of healing is true- I am still a work in progress and could not bear it if I hurt a child, even unintentionally.

Fizzlesque

Itwasntme. wrote: »

........sometimes our experiences leave permanent imprints. Imprints that mold and shape us into the people we grow up to be. Personally, I am incapable (at least I have been so far) of making emotional attachments. I can go for days, weeks even where I don't want to see anyone and even the sound of my flatmates' voices around the house makes me want to scream.

---

Neuro-praxis' post about making decisions from a place of healing is true- I am still a work in progress and could not bear it if I hurt a child, even unintentionally.

You express yourself very well, Itwasn'tme, I really hear every word you write.

Whichever road you eventually choose to walk down, regarding children, I hope from the bottom of my heart healing reaches you. If I could scoop you up in my arms right now, and give you a hug, I'd do just that.....

You'll have to make do with a smiley face and a cheesy grin instead

Been lovely to talk with you. All the best, Fizzles xx

Itwasntme.

Fizzlesque wrote: »

You express yourself very well, Itwasn'tme, I really hear every word you write.

Whichever road you eventually choose to walk down, regarding children, I hope from the bottom of my heart healing reaches you. If I could scoop you up in my arms right now, and give you a hug, I'd do just that.....

You'll have to make do with a smiley face and a cheesy grin instead

Been lovely to talk with you. All the best, Fizzles xx

Awwww...:o- Thank you.

Yes, I have some healing left to do but I have also been incredibly blessed in so many ways, for which I am constantly grateful.

It was lovely talking to you too Fizzlesque- you write beautifully and I was moved by your heartfelt posts. I wish you all the best in your journey as well and I am sending you virtual hugs right back.

xx

C.D.

I've read through this thread and a lot of the posts have made me smile and some have have me sad

I'm a guy (25) and don't know if we get the same barrage of hormones when it comes to kids. But I definitely get very broody! Babies are so cute, adorable and funny and I find myself melting and feeling very protective around them.

It is interesting to read the concerns of some of the posters here when they say they wouldn't make a terrible parent. The fact that you care enough to feel that way means that you won't. Because you care!

I started a thread in TGC about guys feeling paternal and broody, I'm curious to see if I'm an exception or not!

PrincessLola

C.D. wrote: »

I've read through this thread and a lot of the posts have made me smile and some have have me sad

I'm a guy (25) and don't know if we get the same barrage of hormones when it comes to kids. But I definitely get very broody! Babies are so cute, adorable and funny and I find myself melting and feeling very protective around them.

It is interesting to read the concerns of some of the posters here when they say they wouldn't make a terrible parent. The fact that you care enough to feel that way means that you won't. Because you care!

I started a thread in TGC about guys feeling paternal and broody, I'm curious to see if I'm an exception or not!

You're post made me happy to know that men get broody too:)
We're often told that if we want babies we better be with a much older man, because men in their twenties don't want kids.

I'm 21 and I feel like everyone is telling me that I have to WAIT to have babies and that I need to be totally financially secure first.
And I know this is probably selfish and irresponsible but I really don't want to wait until I'm in my 30s to have babies.
I want them now dammit!

I am a friend

Princess Lola don't let anyone tell you when to have kids. If you feel ready then go for it. There are pro's and cons to having kids at all ages and the only bad time to have a kid is when you are not ready.

SerialComplaint

I am a friend wrote: »

Princess Lola don't let anyone tell you when to have kids. If you feel ready then go for it. There are pro's and cons to having kids at all ages and the only bad time to have a kid is when you are not ready.

I don't disagree, but people need to remember that if/when you get round to deciding that you're ready for kids, nature may have other ideas. It took us five years, where the initial enthusiasm is quickly replaced by frustration and loss of dignity, as the doctors and medics poke around every aspect of your reproductive systems. We were lucky, in that our first IVF cycle was successful and we have a beautiful daughter now. Others go through years of expensive, hormone-busting IVF treatments. I know of one person who has had ten cycles, at about €4k a cycle.

Don't assume that you can just switch on a tap when you're ready. For 20% of couples, it doesn't work out that way.

C.D.

PrincessLola wrote: »

You're post made me happy to know that men get broody too:)
We're often told that if we want babies we better be with a much older man, because men in their twenties don't want kids.

I'm 21 and I feel like everyone is telling me that I have to WAIT to have babies and that I need to be totally financially secure first.
And I know this is probably selfish and irresponsible but I really don't want to wait until I'm in my 30s to have babies.
I want them now dammit!

Children born to parents in their twenties are healthier and have fewer complications. Makes sense as you are both at your most fertile

Apparently, the older the parents the more intelligent the children too. I would however contend that causation and correlation might be muddied here as there are plenty of socio-economic papers that show that the more educated the parents the later they leave it (due to careers). And it makes sense that the more educated the parents, the more emphasis they would place on the same for their kids.

When you meet the right person and can provide is the best time IMO. The most important thing to a child's upbringing is the family unit.

C.D.

PS I don't think the broody monster stalks me. She/He/It lives under my bed and pokes me when I sleep.

Misticles

I always thought I wouldn't have kids. They drive me insane.... I bang on my ceiling with a brush as upstairs have two kids who run around like elephants every morning and night.

I always thought I couldn't compromise what I want to do with my life for kids who will need for the next 2 decades. I also put my own upbringing into the equation.

But.... Now I'm engaged and can't wait to have little babies with my husband to be.

I don't know when/how it changed... I just knew that my feelings for having children had.

You just have to go with it, you will know yourself if you want to or not.

The Big Red Button

I've always been a little bit ambivalent towards the whole kids thing.

On the one hand, I'm fantastic with kids. I pretty much brought up one sibling (and helped to bring up several others), I was babysitting as soon as I was old enough to and did so on a very regular basis, for days at a time, from when I was 12 til when I finished college. I like babies and kids, and I have a big interest in educational psychology, parenting strategies, and various aspects of the whole thing.. I'd love to have kids, and I've been told I'd be a great mother.

On the other hand, if I was told I could never have kids, I'd be a bit "meah" about it. I wouldn't really mind, and I don't think I'd pursue it further, with IVF or adoption. Maybe I'd get a cat instead. I'd be quite happy.

I have a close friend who is extremely career-driven, her whole life is focussed around developing her career. She's in her mid-twenties at the moment. She surprised me recently by telling me that, if she was told right now that she'd never be able to have biological children of her own, she would kill herself. She said this quite calmly and rationally. As far as she's concerned, the reason she is here is to be a mother, and if she can't eventually do that, she doesn't see the point in continuing.

I guess, in a way, I see my friend's viewpoint as being quite selfish? Who is she, to put such pressure on a tiny little creature to "complete" her life?

In a funny way, I would want to be fully satisfied and happy with my life exactly as it was - before I'd seriously consider bringing a baby into the equation. If that makes any sense.

It's a long way off for me yet, anyways!

Itwasntme.

The replies on this thread are awesome and the different perspectives really insightful. I feel a little calmer. Thanks everyone.

I am a friend

chatterpillar wrote: »

I guess, in a way, I see my friend's viewpoint as being quite selfish? Who is she, to put such pressure on a tiny little creature to "complete" her life?

Did she say she needs a baby to complete her?

I woudl think she means she would have not achieved eveything she wants in life if she doesnt become a mother.... Its not that hard to understand. Why is it selfish to want to be a mother?

Chimpokomon

I am a friend wrote: »

Did she say she needs a baby to complete her?

I woudl think she means she would have not achieved eveything she wants in life if she doesnt become a mother.... Its not that hard to understand. Why is it selfish to want to be a mother?

She said that she'll kill herself if she can't have kids! Surely you can agree that that's a bit mental?!