When theres just no chemistry...

anniehoo

Was on a 4th date tonight with a guy i a met a few weeks ago.He's really keen and talking about date no.5...but for me theres just no chemistry. He has so many things i normally look for in a guy: tall,kind,loves animals,ambitious,great dancer....but just not attractive.(i know shoot me) but at the end of the day there has to be attraction.

Im dreading the text/call to say there wont be a another date,but for me if theres no chemistry, theres just no relationship. I feel so bad as if you described this guy on paper he sounds perfect.I feel like a superficial cow right now!

So, how important are the so called "butterflies" to you?How long does it normally take you to make your mind up about a guy you're dating? I know im being too picky and no guy "ticks all boxes" but would you/have you dated someone that personality wise has most of what you're looking for...but looks wise doesnt?

Larianne

You are not attracted to him. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. It's a crappy situation but try not to beat yourself over it.

There has to be attraction there for me, otherwise they are just friend material. I'd know by the end of the first date.

krudler

if you're not feeling it after 4 dates it aint there. there's no point in going out with someone you're not attracted to.

anniehoo

krudler wrote: »

if you're not feeling it after 4 dates it aint there. there's no point in going out with someone you're not attracted to.

Ah yeh i know, just feeling very shallow now as bar his looks he'd honestly be pretty much perfect.

Larianne

anniehoo wrote: »

Ah yeh i know, just feeling very shallow now as bar his looks he'd honestly be pretty much perfect.

But its not shallowness that you don't find him attractive! Shallowness would be dumping him because he wore brown shoes on your date.

krudler

anniehoo wrote: »

Ah yeh i know, just feeling very shallow now as bar his looks he'd honestly be pretty much perfect.

thats not shallow though, shallow would be picking one tiny detail not generally finding them unattractive, put yourself on the flip side, would you like if someone thought you were nice and funny but...not pretty?

dearg lady

I wasn't attracted to my current boyfriend when i met him, but the more I got to know him I started to find him attractive. It turned out, the chemistry is there for us. I'd say if the chemistry was there for you, you would start to find him attractive. By this stage it's unlikely to happen, and that doesn't make you shallow!

MyKeyG

Why was there a date number four at all? Is there something in particular that you expected to happen? Just curious, it seems like you want to be attracted to him. I mean you would have known on date one that his looks didn't cook your spuds so just wondering what it is about him that made you come back for a fourth date?

In any case you wouldn't like a guy stringing you along so don't do it to him. He clearly thinks things are going well. You need to make up your mind quick and spare his feelings.

anniehoo

MyKeyG wrote: »

Why was there a date number four at all? Is there something in particular that you expected to happen? Just curious, it seems like you want to be attracted to him. I mean you would have known on date one that his looks didn't cook your spuds so just wondering what it is about him that made you come back for a fourth date?.

Fair enough question. Its been ages since ive gotten a spark/chemistry/butterflies with a guy and i just decided to give this lad a chance (have been single for awhile). Ive normally let my heart rule my head but as that cleeeearly wasnt working i decided to give this lad a chance. Nothing wrong with that i suppose. It really has come down to looks though at the end of the day which is disappointing thats all.

TheRiddler

anniehoo wrote: »

Was on a 4th date tonight with a guy i a met a few weeks ago.He's really keen and talking about date no.5...but for me theres just no chemistry. He has so many things i normally look for in a guy: tall,kind,loves animals,ambitious,great dancer....but just not attractive.(i know shoot me) but at the end of the day there has to be attraction.

Im dreading the text/call to say there wont be a another date,but for me if theres no chemistry, theres just no relationship. I feel so bad as if you described this guy on paper he sounds perfect.I feel like a superficial cow right now!

So, how important are the so called "butterflies" to you?How long does it normally take you to make your mind up about a guy you're dating? I know im being too picky and no guy "ticks all boxes" but would you/have you dated someone that personality wise has most of what you're looking for...but looks wise doesnt?

Being attracted to somone is what seperates partners to friends, if you don't find him attractive there's no point going out with him that's just the way it is. If he didn't find you attractive I would bet he'd stop seeing you

SprintST

Physical attraction is very important to me, at least initially. Admittedly, beauty fades over time and the foundation of a relationship needs to be love.

But back to physical attraction. I’m attracted to physically fit and attractive women. Yes, beauty is a factor but being physically fit makes several statements about the person. For most it takes work and self discipline to stay fit which are qualities I respect and desire in a partner. Physically fit people are healthier and less prone to depression. And being physically fit I want a partner who can enjoy physical activities with me.

Physical attraction goes beyond just a person’s appearance and is a quality just like intelligence, honesty, a big heart, open communication, and a sense of humor.

guitarzero

Mmmm, never really got that about some women where they go out with someone and physical attraction not being strongly taken into consideration.

I wasn't attracted to my current boyfriend at all when I first met him, although when I first met him I was with someone else so that might be why he didn't hit the radar.

While normally I'd say "get to know him better, you might end up finding him far more attractive if you give it a bit of time", ultimately, the fact is that you've already opened the "do we like each other?" question to the floor: you've gone on a date. So if you hang around in the hopes of becoming attracted to him, you'll also be stringing him along. If you two were just friends or met at a club or something, I'd say stick around, but clearly this guy likes you and it just isn't fair to wait it out when you're not attracted to him. You're gonna have to bite the bullet and end things.

Das Kitty

The first time I met my husband, I wasn't physically attracted to him. He got chatting to me and I thought he was interesting and I really enjoyed talking to him.

I actually cancelled a meeting with him that we had arranged for the following day, not because I didn't like him, I definitely liked him. But I was tired, and had I fancied him at that point I would have definitely made the effort.

We eventually met for coffee the following week and he was standing waiting for me (hey, the only time he was early to meet me in our whole relationship, but that's another story) by the door of where I worked.

I still remember seeing him from a distance before he saw me. He was standing looking painfully nervous, dressed well, contacts in (which is also amusing because I adore his glasses) and something clicked. The first time I met him I got the impression that he was slightly predatory, and in fairness the way he singled me out and basically held my attention for the night I hadn't invented that view. But seeing him like that, not knowing I was watching I really saw him, and the second impression was the truth.

Of course he still talked about high-minded topics at lunch and I still wanted to impress him, but I had in the back of my mind that knowledge that he and I were the same; both nervous hens. And we fancied each other desperately.

But, anniehoo. If you still have no hint of attraction after 4 dates, I think it's only fair the call it a day. Sometimes we have an on-paper impression of who is perfect for us, but a lot of the time, the person who makes us tingle might not even tick a single pre-defined box. And that's the thrill: you just never know.

anniehoo

Das Kitty wrote: »

Sometimes we have an on-paper impression of who is perfect for us, but a lot of the time, the person who makes us tingle might not even tick a single pre-defined box. And that's the thrill: you just never know.

Yeh thats the funny thing ive gotten sparks with the most randomest of guys with polar opposite personalities. If i was the type of girl to "settle" this lad would be perfect, but its just not enough at all unfortunately.

Wibbs

guitarzero wrote: »

Mmmm, never really got that about some women where they go out with someone and physical attraction not being strongly taken into consideration.

I'd say and this is a large generalisation, women while feeling it or not first time they lay eyes on someone("love at first sight") are also more likely than men to have the attraction come along down the line as they get to know someone. That's been my experience anyway.

PrincessLola

Yeah, I agree,

My main issue with dating is that I literally cannot like a guy until I get to know him. Sure, I can judge him to be objectivly attractive but for me at least I have to know someone.
Thats why all the men I've ever fallen for have been guys I've already gotten to know.

Petre

Larianne wrote: »

But its not shallowness that you don't find him attractive! Shallowness would be dumping him because he wore brown shoes on your date.

It is shallowness, but all humans are naturally shallow to some degree. How badly shallow it is depends on how objectively attractive he is in comparison to her. I've seen MANY plain janes in my time reject average to decent looking guys for their "subpar" looks. If he actually is considerably less attractive than her from an objective standpoint, it's fair enough.

Logical Fallacy

Petre wrote: »

It is shallowness, but all humans are naturally shallow to some degree. How badly shallow it is depends on how objectively attractive he is in comparison to her. I've seen MANY plain janes in my time reject average to decent looking guys for their "subpar" looks. If he actually is considerably less attractive than her from an objective standpoint, it's fair enough.

Spot on. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, to what they deem is important in a partner etc etc. No point in delving into what is and isn't shallowness because we are all shallow to a point.

Nothing wrong with it at all.

lazygal

I think sometimes the 'we had no chemistry, it was never going to work' reasoning isn't always true. When I met my now husband, we had a lot in common and spent ages chatting. I wouldn't say there was 'chemistry' on my side. He is the one who chased me, he asked me out and kept asking me out and we became serious quite quickly. It was a slow enough burner now, not love on the first date, but we were and are very compatible and get along very well.
Romance is important, as is attraction, but they are not the only qualities I wanted in a partner. We get along very well, we rarely argue and I think the fact we come from similar backgrounds and wanted similar things from life, in our case marriage and a family, which meant we didn't need to do a lot of compromising.
Most successful marriages I know, my parents included, aren't based on just chemistry, rather there's a mix of compatibility, wanting the same things in life and being able to compromise happily when and where its necessary. I'm very attracted to my husband but this grew over the course of our relationship. We're married over a year now and I would honestly say I love him more now than on our wedding day because we've even more memories to share now and we've spent even more time together.

Petre

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Spot on. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, to what they deem is important in a partner etc etc. No point in delving into what is and isn't shallowness because we are all shallow to a point.

Nothing wrong with it at all.

Yeah, but when a large majority of women's preferences are so over-blown that a large majority of men are alone, then that's a big problem. It wasn't always so unbalanced; even 10 or 15 years ago I remember women were a bit less picky, average guys could get a girlfriend. Nowadays it seems relationships and sex are reserved for "alpha males" only.

christmas2012

usually you would know after the first date if you were attracted to them..its better to make ur mind up quick and not have them hanging on its not fair on either party..

yizorselves

I think the whole getting to know someone and an attraction building is best left to people who have been in your life already for a while ie. friend/workmate. Going out on dates with someone you met and know arent attracted to is destined for failure. Since you know from the get go you dont fancy them its gonna be stuck in your head. My proof....this thread of course

Poor chap probably thinks things are going well while the girl who went on mulitple dates with him doesnt fancy him at all. Ah I'm only rippin the piss outta ye there

Petre

Petre wrote: »

Yeah, but when a large majority of women's preferences are so over-blown that a large majority of men are alone, then that's a big problem. It wasn't always so unbalanced; even 10 or 15 years ago I remember women were a bit less picky, average guys could get a girlfriend. Nowadays it seems relationships and sex are reserved for "alpha males" only.

Mod

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Morag

Look either you look forward to seeing him or you don't, or you want to see his orgasm face or you don't, it's that simple.

Sharrow

Sharrow wrote: »

you want to see his orgasm face or you don't, it's that simple.

managerman

I think it's time for the dreaded phone call, if I have had 4 dates with a girl I would be hoping that she liked me, not very fair on the guy himself.... Do the right thing and let him down gently

batistuta9

Larianne wrote: »

You are not attracted to him. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. It's a crappy situation but try not to beat yourself over it.

There has to be attraction there for me, otherwise they are just friend material. I'd know by the end of the first date.

you can't force it but supposedly women can be likely enough to become attracted to a man over a period of time, after getting to know them etc. when they felt no physical attraction at all to the man when they first met

likely enough meaning that it's more common for this to happen to a woman with a man than the other way around.

This scenario probably isn't any good to the OP though as she can't keep going on dates with him waiting for this to happen - if it even does - but if he's a friend of a friend or something like that where she'll still be in some sort of contact with him it could.


also do people not know nearly instantaneously if their attracted to someone or not

beks101

Four dates without any spark is a bit of a dead-ringer to be honest.

However, I do believe in this 'grower' theory.

The first time I met the guy I'm currently dating, he was physically my type but I thought he had the personality of a garden knome. He was quiet, awkward, shy, nervous, completely devoid of any conversation starters...my polar opposite.

So I met him, got talking to him, and the initial 'hell yeah!' went to 'oh God help me' in about 30 seconds flat. We had a bit of a drunken kiss, had a disastrous second date which comprised of me talking shyte for 90% of it, and I was about to call it a day...but something happened on the third date.

His nerves seemed to dissipate, and turns out he had had an especially vicious break-up a few months previous, coupled with a bad bereavement, and told me about both of these things holding him back.

Something happened on that third date - the honesty, willingness to confide something so personal - and before I knew it we were chatting like old friends, clicking like no-one's business. All of a sudden, butterflies.

What I'm saying is, first impressions can often be deceptive. Nerves, expectations, fears, past experiences can get in the way. They can even affect second and third impressions. Sometimes, you have to be patient with people, and they can end up surprising you in ways that you never imagined.

I am a friend

Have had this conversation with my girl friends and the answers vary - for some attraction grows and for others, if it's not there immediately it never grows. I guess it's down to the individual

MyKeyG

anniehoo wrote: »

Fair enough question. Its been ages since ive gotten a spark/chemistry/butterflies with a guy and i just decided to give this lad a chance (have been single for awhile). Ive normally let my heart rule my head but as that cleeeearly wasnt working i decided to give this lad a chance. Nothing wrong with that i suppose. It really has come down to looks though at the end of the day which is disappointing thats all.

Well that's a fair enough response. I would echo the sentiments from other boardsies regarding looks. One of my best female friends, an absolute stunner, fell for one a lad that looks a like a cross between Lee Evans and Plug from the Beano. She told me she wasn't one bit attracted to him when they first met but she ended up marrying him. Now saying that they got to know each other through a group of us hanging around so affection was allowed to grow without having to commit emotionally/personally in the form of a date.

If you're still not sure why not talk to him saying so. Be honest, say you've had four lovely dates but you're just not feeling the chemistry. If he insists on a fifth date anyway then so be it on him to take the risk.

fits

OP, forgive this personal question but have ye got anyway physical at all?

Sometimes you need to try it, to know for sure I think.

I turned someone down a few years ago, we got on like a house on fire, great friends but it just wasnt there. I regret to this day that it didnt work out because I think we could have been great but at the time I couldnt do it.

I'm in a slow burner now, and I like him more and more all the time. Glad I gave it a chance.

ViveLaVie

This is all hugely interesting. I actually think I am too picky when it comes to looks. I've had people remark to me that I'd be better off if I gave people a chance. So I did go on a date with a guy I wasn't attracted to but that I really liked. It was really awkward and I didn't feel it at all. But then the usual lad I go for ends up being a total tool because I'm attracted to confident, traditionally handsome (tall, athletic, manly types) lads who think they're it! It's clearly not working for me, so I understand why you held out to the fourth date. I feel like I need to just get over my attraction issue too or I'll end up alone. But I don't think you should just settle either. It's really hard to know.

starlit

If there is no chemistry there is no point in trying to force it. Its kind of instant but love, infatuation, fondness and fancying someone can happen over time but chemistry is kind of instant. If not there no point keeping something going in the hope of something that could happen. Sometimes until you kiss someone or go on a date with them or spend more time with them would you keep trying to see if the chemistry happen but often or not chemistry starts when you first meet someone or not long after meeting.

For me its until I kiss someone until the chemistry starts but could be kind of lingering even from first laying eyes on each other. Sometimes found when younger I could fancy any fella but now It take a bit for me to fancy someone. I could be fond of them and like them from the start but it take a bit of time for me to fancy someone now as I have gotten older. That is my experience. I can be a bit fussy when it comes to men but Its down to a number of factors not just personality and looks. It be based on what type of fella he is really and how I like him and how we gel.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. It's better to be straight with him than to lead him on.
Honestly, when I started seeing my BF I didn't know why I was attracted to him. We're polar opposites and spent much of the first 6 months of our relationship squabbling. But there was that feeling - "butterflies", as you called it - that I just couldn't resist. I saw him more and more and we both eventually settled down and started to accept each other. Now I have a hard time imagining my life without him.
I'm of the opinion that those butterflies are your subconscious' way of telling you there's something worth keeping in this person (for you, I mean). If they're not there, then the compatibility isn't, either.