Unsure if I'm a diva or if he's mistreating!

confuzzled3

Hi all!!

Hoping someone with wise words can help me!! I'm looking for an outsider looking in type opinion on a relationship. I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. My previous relationship was also 4/5years long but very destructive. These are the only two relationships I've ever been in so I can only compare one to the other.

In comparison this guy seems like the perfect man, but with only a verbally/mentally abusive ex to compare him to I'm not convinced of my own opinion. He is big into sports and travels out of the county twice a week including the whole weekend every weekend. He has missed significant events in my life due to his dedication to GAA (where he regularly keeps the sub bench warmed up). From February- October/November every yeat I'm a week day girlfriend. But is it selfish of me to begrudge him his love of football for a weekend here and there with him?

I have brought the subject up with him and been told I'm being silly and reminded I knew this going into the relationship when I was completely oblivious to it. (He was out injured for the first year of our relationship so I didnt know the extent of time that he gave to it). He frequently laughs off my comments of criticism about the football and tells me I'm a GAA girlfriend and all GAA girlfriends just have to put up with this while their boyfriends are playing. I know its a very competitive sport and failing to turn up for training means not getting on the team but he trains every time and regularly doesnt get his game so this is where I get confused! I get along very well with his family and they tell me he has always been this way with sport so who am I to come along and demand changes?

With all that said he is a very supportive boyfriend (weekdays and phonecalls!) who I am very much in love with. Is it worth waiting for GAA retirement?!!!

Neyite

confuzzled3 wrote: »

Is it worth waiting for GAA retirement?!!!

Only you can know the answer there.

My OH is from a massive GAA family, and they have all been involved in it over the years- I'd barely know the rules! His brother still trains and plays, and if you ask the wife about going on holidays there is usually a reply that begins with "well, depending on how the team does..." her life, revolves around his sport. Thats his passion, and over the years she will either be supporting him at a match, or doing her own thing with her own friends.

I think personally its unfair to ask him to give up something that he obviously loves so much and puts so much into. It would only be a matter of time before he resents you for making him choose. You also would come across to the family and friends as being controlling.

But I dont understand why you dont see him at at weekends as a result? Training is a couple of evenings a week and a match at weekends, surely? or does he travel home to play? He may not go on a massive session the night before a match, but a trip to the cinema or something like that the night before a match is still do-able.

confuzzled3

Thanks for your responses I really appreciate it!!

I'd never ask him to quit! In a million years! I'd have to do the walking away!

He goes home for the weekend because they have hurling on a friday night and a sunday morning so it takes up the whole weekend.

I have my own hobbies and am very independent I just don't feel like I have the same close relationship with him because of it.

I also plan my holidays around the team, we're given one week every summer and thats the week we have to go!!!

Thanks again I really appreciate it!

Neyite

I have to say, I do thank my lucky stars that my partner retired due to injury years ago, I can appreciate that it is not easy at all - your entire life revolves around it. But the odd time a match comes up I tag along with him to watch his former team (usually) lose

How far off is retirement? Be warned, he may also coach/manage the team once he gets too old to play - and if he does, he will still be investing almost as much time in it

Can you go with him some weekends and do something coupley on the Saturday? It's kind of a "if you cant beat 'em, join 'em" kind of situation.

confuzzled3

No he coaches and travels with the girls team on saturdays for their matches. So coaching in retirement need not be feared as he's already doing this! I understand having a passion but when its all weekend every weekend it's a big ask on the relationship. I did go to a few matches and nights out with his team (on the odd occasion i was invited) but women seem to be seen and not heard in his club! I dont know if I'm cut out to be the GAA girlfriend!

neuro-praxis

I don't think I could make this sacrifice. I could never come second to a sport or a job or anything, really. But I also don't think I could have endured it as long as you have for 5 years.

I'm not suggesting you ask him to stop playing. But I think that he demonstrates that his first love is sport, and always will be. I would never be willing to accept that. But the important question is, are you?

gubbie

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I don't think I could make this sacrifice. I could never come second to a sport or a job or anything, really. But I also don't think I could have endured it as long as you have for 5 years.

I'm not suggesting you ask him to stop playing. But I think that he demonstrates that his first love is sport, and always will be. I would never be willing to accept that. But the important question is, are you?

I disagree with this, because a) he still devotes more time to her then to his sport and b) by walking away she would effectively be saying "Choose: the person you love or the game you love". HOW could you do that? A lot of his life revolves around that GAA club but five years is a long time so he clearly loves her (and is still keeping her on his mind by ringing during the weekend).

The OP has said he's perfect and supportive and that she's very much in love with him. I could think of far far worse men then one who just really likes GAA

bouncebouncey

Sorry but she is playing second fiddle. I say this as a committed sportsperson myself. I don't play GAA but I do commit a lot of time to my sport.

That said I wouldn't leave an OH on her own every weekend, all weekend, from February to November every year. Not in a million years.

Whats the problem with him playing for a team in your locality? If he just loves playing the game why can't he join somewhere local instead of commuting back and forward every weekend? That's a compromise. He doesn't have to give up the game that way but he still gets to be something like a normal BF at weekends.

You also say he travels out of county twice a week including all weekend. That suggests he also is gone on another weekday. So he's gone Fri-Sun and one other day during the week? So he's spends more time away from you than with you? I wouldn't put up with that to be honest and I wouldn't expect anyone else to unless it was the persons livelihood.

He's not on the county team and he barely gets a game for his club so there's not a reason in the world he has to spend all this time traveling back and forward rather than being with you. He can sit on the bench at your local club too.

I wouldn't begrudge him his passion but he's pushing it by spending all this time away from home pursuing it 10 months of the year when there are literally thousands of GAA clubs all over the country.

MissFlitworth

I don't think he's mistreating you but I also couldn't cope with a relationship like you have, especially without a prospect of it ending. If you work during the week does that mean that you guys never get to hang out together for a day from February to November? Having a partner that you never get to see in your 'off time' (and this is me assuming you work Monday to Friday & he does as well) would, for me, suck

confuzzled3

This debate is the exact debate that im having with myself!!

Am I number 2 or am I being selfish?! It's interesting that it's 50/50.

I'm wondering if he settles ultimately in Dublin will he join a club here and thats the end of the problem.

We had the last two weeks off and he didnt come to visit me once because they had extra training sessions and 3 matchs, that has to be excessive?

confuzzled3

I see him 2 weekday evenings (as we both work) a week and then maybe bank holidays or days off. He gets a week off for a summer holiday. he doesnt work summers but i do so ye i suppose feb through oct/nov just week days...

iCosmopolis

Is there any chance you could get a little involved with it, so you could share in it and maybe get to spend more time with him via that, or is that a no no? just a thought, if all's good otherwise?:)

bouncebouncey

I'm really confused. You're talking about him eventually settling in Dublin? Does he live here or what? Or does he still live in the place he plays GAA and just visit you 2 nights a week.

You see him twice a week and on bank holidays? That's a bad start IMO. It doesn't constitute much of a relationship in my book. He had 2 weeks 'off' and didn't see you once because he was off training and at matches?

He's actively choosing GAA over you for 10 months of the year. You're living off scraps from what I can see.

I've no idea what the 'he gets a week for a summer holiday' followed by 'he doesn't work in the summer' means? He gets a week off training in the summer? And he has some kind of job that means he doesn't work in the summer months? I can't figure that one out.

Long story short he's choosing GAA over you 5 days a week, 10 months of the year and has done so for 5 years.

I'm afraid I think your one other abusive relationship may have lowered the bar to ridiculous levels for what you expect. I really don't think seeing someone 8 days a month on the days he's not training constitutes much of a commitment on his part. He's far more committed to GAA than you and after 5 years that's an awful shame IMO.

You still haven't told me one good reason he couldn't play GAA in Dublin. Name any part of the county and I'll give you a list as long as my arm of places he could play.

confuzzled3

Hes a secondary school teacher in Dublin so he lives here during the week then totters off every weekend! And that explains summer months off. The week off is from football training so for the rest of the summer he still has football three times a week. He's still living in a "lads" house environment and his job is only on a year basis so I'm unsure if Dublin is where he'll be ultimately. Sorry for all the confusion hence my username!!:)
I appreciate your honesty. I wont be taking this decision lightly as it has been 5 years of my life and as i said he's such a great guy otherwise but im still not sure if i can be content as the runner up

neuro-praxis

gubbie wrote: »

I disagree with this, because a) he still devotes more time to her then to his sport and b) by walking away she would effectively be saying "Choose: the person you love or the game you love". HOW could you do that? A lot of his life revolves around that GAA club but five years is a long time so he clearly loves her (and is still keeping her on his mind by ringing during the weekend).

The OP has said he's perfect and supportive and that she's very much in love with him. I could think of far far worse men then one who just really likes GAA

It's a fantasy to think she doesn't play second fiddle to the sport. She clearly does. The question whether or not she can live with that. I couldn't but maybe she could. You clearly could. More power to you.

I'm sure he's a great guy. It's just that sport is his first love. Suppose they have a kid. Will he still be away 3-4 nights a week for a sport he's not even good at?

No thanks.

confuzzled3

Oh and my reasons for not asking him to play in dublin is because that would be the same as me demanding he choose between me and football. Its the club he's loyal to and has grown up in how can i compete with that!!?

bouncebouncey

Jeez OP. How could you compete with that? Now I know you have set the bar too low. You're meant to be his OH. You shouldn't have to 'compete' with a sports team for his time and affection. He should give both to you willingly.

He chooses sport over you. Simple.

If you are happy to live with that so be it. I wouldn't be. The only way it would be acceptable in my book is in the case of dating a professional sports player/coach who makes their living from the game. And even then I'd expect to have their time and attention when they weren't working. He chooses to spend his spare time away from you.

Most of us played a sport for a club growing up. It doesn't mean we let it dictate our lives forever. And lets get it right it's GAA that's his main concern in life and not you. It might sound harsh but it's true. Everything you've told us just highlights this.

It's more important for him to go home and warm the bench for the team he played for when he lived in Ballywherever than it is for him to spend it with you. The time he and effort he dedicates to you and your 'relationship' is miniscule in comparison to what he dedicates to this sport.

Also this 'GAA girlfriend' is bullsh*t. He's poxy player on god knows what kind of level of team who spends an inordinate amount of time pursuing his hobby. This isn't a county player training hard and looking to win an All Ireland. It's local GAA and he's a bench warmer. In fact I happen to know some of the Dublin All Ireland winning side and I can tell you for a fact they see more of their OH's than you see of this guy.

My honest opinion is that you are settling for way too little. You're letting him do whatever he likes because he's nice and polite to you on the rare occasions you do see him. You're second fiddle to him behind GAA. Perhaps even third or fourth fiddle behind going home every weekend and hanging out with the lads from where he grew up.

Like I said, if that's okay by you then by all means proceed. It'd be a pretty sad life to accept that little IMO but each to their own.

confuzzled3

Thanks for your honesty it's what I was looking for from this post so I've a lot to mull over followed by a talk to prepare for.

Thanks again

rainbowtrout

Hi OP,

I'm in agreement with bouncebouncey's post above, he's choosing GAA over you.

I'm assuming you're at least mid to late 20s if not older and so is he going by your two 5 year relationships.

I suppose you have a few things to think about. In five years he's never once thought that you were important enough to spend a weekend with during the GAA season?? Despite the fact that he's mainly on the subs bench??? At what point in your relationship do you become important enough for him to give up a weekend? As you've said, he's missed some important events in your life, probably birthdays, weddings, funerals type stuff I'd guess.

He may well be passionate about his sport (and not particularly good at it if he's training midweek and not getting a game at the weekend), but he lives with his friends and hangs out with his friends at weekends at home, mainly leading the life of a single guy in his 20s, except for the 2 nights he sees you midweek. That's not an awful lot of time really. Surely he should want to spend time with someone he's been in a relationship with for five years.

Personally I don't buy into all this GAA girlfriend bullshit. I've known quite a few guys (on a friends basis) who behaved like your boyfriend and they weren't missed when they retired from the game. They weren't getting any games in the first place, but seemed to think that they were far more important to the club than they were. There's give and take in every relationship but there doesn't seem to be much give on his side.

gubbie

bouncebouncey wrote: »

Whats the problem with him playing for a team in your locality? If he just loves playing the game why can't he join somewhere local instead of commuting back and forward every weekend? That's a compromise. He doesn't have to give up the game that way but he still gets to be something like a normal BF at weekends.

...
He's not on the county team and he barely gets a game for his club so there's not a reason in the world he has to spend all this time traveling back and forward rather than being with you. He can sit on the bench at your local club too.

In all fairness, it's not just his love for the game, it's probably his life and nearly any friend he has is rooted in that GAA team. It goes deeper then just "You can play GAA anywhere".

OP, you said he was mostly on the bench, would there be any possibilities that he could join a B team, or stop coaching the girls team? Hopefully that would free up some time. Can he coach the team in his school in Dublin instead (that'll also improve his chances of getting contracts in Dublin )?

You also didn't mention if you ever go down to his place for the weekend. Is the odd one possible?

I don't think we can say much else. You've said it exactly - it's 50/50. There's only one person you need to talk to and that's him.

Think of the bright side though - he's fit!

bouncebouncey

gubbie wrote: »

In all fairness, it's not just his love for the game, it's probably his life and nearly any friend he has is rooted in that GAA team.

It's not probably his life. It is his life. His girlfriend doesn't factor when it comes to making decisions in the way the game, his club and his GAA mates and family do. She's way down his list of priorities if she's on it at all.

Maybe his friends are rooted in the GAA team. That would be hard to rectify when he does nothing but drive home every weekend for the majority of the year, as well as once midweek.

That doesn't make it alright when he's in what is supposed to be a committed relationship. All it means is he's never grown up and cut the cord from home. He's moved away for a bit of work but every chance he gets he's running home to mammy, daddy and the lads to play at the old GAA team. His life is still there more than it is in Dublin with his GF.

Her going down for the odd weekend is no kind of solution either. That's just further pandering to him. What about her? What about what she wants and needs. Actually never mind wants and needs. What she deserves from a relationship. It's awful and she deserves someone who loves and respects her and wants to spend his time with her and makes her #1.

I feel really sorry for the OP. She's been treated badly in her previous relationship and shes being treated badly by this guy. He's just dressed it up in a nicer way and conned her into not realising it for this long.

Like rainbowtrout said he's living the life of a single person. He goes where he wants, when he wants without any regard for his alleged OH. He's gone every weekend the majority of the year. He sees her 2 evenings a night where they presumably have dinner together, watch tv and do what couples do behind closed doors. It's a handy arrangement for him but it's not a real meaningful relationship by any stretch of the imagination.

LegacyUser

bouncebouncey obviously either is opposed to sports or just doesn't understand how they operate.

There's nothing about the OP that says she is prevented from joining the boyfriend down the country at the weekend. The OP is still "only" the GF, there's no other commitment. Should the man give up the sport for the GF? What if the relationship ends a short time down the road?

Looking back at one's youth, one only plays sport for a short time. Life is too short to be giving up the sport you love, for the sake of a complaining GF.

Everyone in every relationship needs outside interests. It then becomes a question of how to accommodate them in the relationship. For anyone to expect their GF/BF to give up the sport he/she loves is a big ask and unnecessary.

If the OP's BF, in this case, gives up GAA, what's in it for him? A non-nagging GF?

LegacyUser

I don't think the OP is a diva but I also don't understand the people who think the BF is putting the OP second to GAA. Just because your in a relationship with someone does not mean your whole life becomes about them and I know that's not what the OP is looking for but there seems to be a lot of people on this thread who are being very negative towards the BF over his devotion to something he clearly has a great passion for.

My Dad joined the FCA when he was 14 [lied about his age], it was a massive passion of his for his whole life. He was a member when he started dating my mother so she was well aware of his devotion to it and the amount of time it would take up for him but she never saw it as some sort of rival for my dads attention as she played basketball when they started dating so knew what it was like to be committed to something and several years after they married she switched to golf and during the summer that takes over all her free time as she is usually picked to be on a few teams at her club and she's away nearly every weekend. Nether her kids nor her partner have ever found this odd or had any issue with it but each relationship is different.

The OP says they've been dating for 5 years but again all relationships are different and I feel it's bad to judge a relationship purely on time span. 5 years might sound long to some but the OP states they aren't living together and don't see each other every day during the week which sounds more like a causal relationship then a long term one. OP do you know what your BF long term plan is? ie is he planning at some point to move to the city full time or has his hope always been to be able to move home and teach there? I don't think it's just a love of GAA, it sounds like his whole life is based around his home town and you may have to consider if you were to stay together that he would be aiming to move back there. Is that what you want? If you've kids he most likely would want them playing sports so it's going to be a big part of your life if you opt to stay with this guy.

Some posters seem to think he's not cut the cord so to speak and never grew up but the fact is not everyone wants to move away from home, plenty of people are born, live and die in the same place. It's not considered the thing to do in our modern world now but doesn't mean there aren't still plenty of people who are happy where they are. I hate my home town and got out as soon as I could but I know plenty of people I want to school with who still live there, most by choice because they do like their community. I don't think he's going home every weekend because he hasn't made friends in the city [he met the OP so clearly he's going out socially there] or is running home to mammy, it sounds like he actually does love his home town.

At the end of the day I don't think your being a diva and I don't think he's mistreating you. I think your two people who are at different places in a relationship and you need to talk about what you each want and see if your going to move forward together or go in different directions.

jimmycrackcorm

I don't know why the op simply doesn't go with him at the weekends. He's not playing sport for a full 48 hours all weekend

LegacyUser

A friend of mine is going out with a guy who is mad passionate about GAA. When they started going out at first he was travelling down to Cork every weekend to play with his club team, but like the Ops bf he wasn't getting his game and spent alot of time on the subs bench, also living in Dublin and travelling down to Cork took its toll and he switched to playing Gaa up here. He loves it - trains during the week and on weekends, he has made a good few friends and also gets to spend time with his GF. I don't think the OPs boyfriend considers Dublin as his permanent home, going out with somebody for five years and he goes home pretty much every weekend and he has one week for summer hols during the summer ! Also he is on a contract from year to year so why would he consider Dublin as permanent option. I'm surprised its lasted this long.

lazygal

This would wreck my head. I don't understand how anyone can date someone who's obsessive about anything, be it vintage cars, the GAA or Star Trek. I know its healthy to have hobbies and there's a great social life associated with the GAA in a lot of areas, but I really think some people go overboard with it. I've known friends date guys who live in Dublin and have done since they went to college at 18, but every single weekend drive for hours to their home towns on the off chance they might play a match, and then spend the Friday and Saturday night in the clubhouse with their mates. I know its lovely to have friends in your home town, but I couldn't be with someone who's life revolved around one thing and one thing only. I couldn't sign up for the life the OP has described, where my social life and weekends were dominated by my partner's interest, regardless of what I wanted to do.
Myself and my husband have different hobbies, he's into going to the rugby matches and other things and I love creative writing and am studying a couple of different things, but we can both happily skip a weekend to spend time together as a couple and our social lives don't revolve exclusively around our hobbies, we might see other couples, friends on our own or our families, or just have a weekend to ourselves.

I think this is about what you're willing to put up with and how much he's willing to compromise. I know people in relationships who I think have given up more than I would ever dream of to make a partner happy (or not rock the boat for fear of being alone in some cases). I know what my deal breakers would be and the OP needs to decide on hers. It doesn't sound like he's the kind of guy who will adapt or compromise on his obsession, given the comments about how other girlfriends can just row in with the GAA hoopla, so she needs to decide if she can have a life with this man that will include a third wheel in the form of the GAA.

bouncebouncey

bananaRep12 wrote: »

bouncebouncey obviously either is opposed to sports or just doesn't understand how they operate.

I'm involved with a sports club pretty much year round and worked in a sports related job. So you're miles off there. I understand perfectly how they operate at both professional and recreational levels. However, unlike some on here it seems, I also understand how interpersonal relationships operate.

You are completely oblivious to the discussion it seems.

No one suggested he give up sport for her. He can still play his sport in Dublin. He doesn't have to give it up. Playing for a team in Dublin would involve a compromise so he could, you know, actually see his girlfriend of 5 years for more than 8 days out of every month.

Then you say the OP is 'only' his girlfriend? Whatever that's supposed to mean? Is the implication that you don't get treated properly until you're married or engaged? They have been with each other 5 years ffs! But she's 'only' his girlfriend so should come 2nd best to sport?

As for the assertion that it could all end shortly. If he harbours that kind of attitude 5 years into the relationship then they really have problems.

As for jimmycrackcorn not understanding why the OP simply doesn't go home with him every weekend. Why should she have to? Where is the give and take in this relationship? I certainly can't see it. All I see is taking. What about what she wants to do and where she wants to go? What if she'd like to go out for a meal and see a movie at the weekend with her boyfriend? What if she'd like to take a trip away somewhere nice for a weekend? Or simply sit in at her home and watch a DVD on the couch with her boyfriend? Oh wait, no sorry she can't, because he gets to do whatever he wants every weekend.

The OP gets nothing while he does as he pleases. Shes obviously not happy with the situation or she wouldn't be on here posting about it.

I'm afraid tabs101 is right. He doesn't consider Dublin his home or a place he has an attachment too. And when his GF of 5 years lives there thats worrying. As I said his focus 5 days a week is on wherever it is he goes off to play GAA. That's fine for him but not for the OP. She deserves a lot more. And I'd warrant a guess she wants a lot more.

If he can find a girlfriend that's happy to see him about 20% of the time while he spends the other 80% on GAA then great. I have the gut feeling that the OP isn't happy with this.

There is a really easy solution to this that is a compromise for both parties that tabs101 posted and I suggested earlier

Ops bf he wasn't getting his game and spent alot of time on the subs bench, also living in Dublin and travelling down to Cork took its toll and he switched to playing Gaa up here. He loves it - trains during the week and on weekends, he has made a good few friends and also gets to spend time with his GF.

It seems, though, that he's not interested in putting any stock in his time in Dublin and has no interest in making friends or forming social relationships there or showing any compromise or thought for his long time partner.

D.R Adams

Have to agree with most of what bouncebouncey has said in all his posts so far, your BF is warming a bench and if he has been doing so for 5 years then his playing situation is not likely to change anytime soon.

I played GAA myself from 15 up to 21 and then I moved to Shannon for 3 years for work reasons but I can tell you this, nobody is missed when they leave a club or retire, and I was starting most matches before I left. I'm not suggesting that your BF has to quit/retire, I'm just re-affirming a point someone else made above, no-one is bigger than any club.


OP I'm interested to know when the GAA season is over (Nov-Feb) what do you and your BF spend time doing? Does he spend more time with you then or does he still travel home as often?

stupidusername

It's hard to imagine the boyfriend as a good boyfriend besides this tbh. It sounds like he's living like a student - doing what he has to during the week, then back home to mammy for comfort food and to hang out with the lads.

He's not at all committed to you OP. Has he even asked you to go with him for some of the weekends? I mean it's one thing you wanting to be with him more, but does he want to be with you more, despite his wanting to go home for GAA? That's what I'd be asking here.

I do understand how someone can have hobbies and passions, but considering it's every weekend, and he doesn't even play..?

Though I do think it's possible he's gotten to take her for granted, and doesn't see it as a big deal. After 5 years you should be asking yourself where is your home, together, not wondering if he's going to be sticking around Dublin, as if you've no connection to him at all. I'd want to feel more security in the relationship after that length of time.

I can't understand how you've put up with it for this long. The two of you need to have a good talk about this I think.

LostGirly

I know it's hard being a sports widow OP but in fairness it'd be worse if he didn't have any interests of his own. I think it's great when someone is into something like that. He is committed to his club and is very loyal and that's a good sign of a person. What's stopping you travelling to his home county once or twice a month to spend the weekend with him. Surely they have home games every second weekend like all teams. He's not going to be playing for the full weekend. I know it's hard and it's difficult to get time with someone so committed but it's something you have to put up with I'm afraid. My boy is a rugby head and he trains 2 times a week and is gone all day Sunday. Luckily we live in the same town so I see him the rest of the time, oh except Saturday nights as I go out and he stays in cos of the game on the Sunday. Now he's moved away and I know when the season starts up I won't expect to see him as much. He'll only be home at weekends and I know I'll just get to see him after training on a Friday and on the Saturday nights that I don't head out, but I'll make that comprimise and I know on the Sunday's I'll get to see him after the game and before he heads away again! It's hard but it only lasts for so long, eventually he will retire. It's a good sign of a person and I don't think you should begrudge him. You defo cannot expect him to up and leave his childhood club, as you said he could be gone from Dublin next year. I have plenty of friends who only see their boyfriends 2 nights a week and now I'm only going to see my boyfriend once every 2 weeks. It can be done, it's not forever and if he treats you well you'd be mad to through it all away over something like this. There's a lack of good guys out there, it'd be worse if he was off partying every weekend and didn't make the effort to ring you etc.

Hope things work out.

Defiler Of The Coffin

LostGirly wrote: »

I know it's hard being a sports widow OP but in fairness it'd be worse if he didn't have any interests of his own. I think it's great when someone is into something like that. He is committed to his club and is very loyal and that's a good sign of a person. What's stopping you travelling to his home county once or twice a month to spend the weekend with him. Surely they have home games every second weekend like all teams. He's not going to be playing for the full weekend. I know it's hard and it's difficult to get time with someone so committed but it's something you have to put up with I'm afraid. My boy is a rugby head and he trains 2 times a week and is gone all day Sunday. Luckily we live in the same town so I see him the rest of the time, oh except Saturday nights as I go out and he stays in cos of the game on the Sunday. Now he's moved away and I know when the season starts up I won't expect to see him as much. He'll only be home at weekends and I know I'll just get to see him after training on a Friday and on the Saturday nights that I don't head out, but I'll make that comprimise and I know on the Sunday's I'll get to see him after the game and before he heads away again! It's hard but it only lasts for so long, eventually he will retire. It's a good sign of a person and I don't think you should begrudge him. You defo cannot expect him to up and leave his childhood club, as you said he could be gone from Dublin next year. I have plenty of friends who only see their boyfriends 2 nights a week and now I'm only going to see my boyfriend once every 2 weeks. It can be done, it's not forever and if he treats you well you'd be mad to through it all away over something like this. There's a lack of good guys out there, it'd be worse if he was off partying every weekend and didn't make the effort to ring you etc.

Hope things work out.

This isn't very helpful advice to the OP at all. You're basically telling her she should put up with it because having interests is "a good sign of a person" and "it'd be worse if he didn't have any interests of his own". These are not good enough reasons on their own to sustain a relationship. This whole idea of a 'sports widow' or 'GAA girlfriend' is completely missing the point, the guy isn't even a key member of the team. The problem here is that he is not spending enough time with her, why would it be any different if he was "off partying every weekend" with his friends? Why does being involved with a sports team give him a get out of jail card?

Five years is far too long to be carrying on with this nonsense. bouncebouncey's posts in this thread have hit the nail on the head, the OP has set her standards for a committed relationship far too low. Who's to say that even if he quit the football team that he wouldn't be running back to the hometown every weekend anyway?

LostGirly wrote: »

I know it's hard and it's difficult to get time with someone so committed but it's something you have to put up with I'm afraid.

The OP doesn't have to put up with anything. Where's the balance in this relationship? What is she getting out of this? She has some hard questions to ask herself.

LostGirly

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

This isn't very helpful advice to the OP at all. You're basically telling her she should put up with it because having interests is "a good sign of a person" and "it'd be worse if he didn't have any interests of his own". These are not good enough reasons on their own to sustain a relationship. This whole idea of a 'sports widow' or 'GAA girlfriend' is completely missing the point, the guy isn't even a key member of the team. The problem here is that he is not spending enough time with her, why would it be any different if he was "off partying every weekend" with his friends? Why does being involved with a sports team give him a get out of jail card?

Five years is far too long to be carrying on with this nonsense. bouncebouncey's posts in this thread have hit the nail on the head, the OP has set her standards for a committed relationship far too low. Who's to say that even if he quit the football team that he wouldn't be running back to the hometown every weekend anyway?



The OP doesn't have to put up with anything. Where's the balance in this relationship? What is she getting out of this? She has some hard questions to ask herself.

I don't know what this has to do with anything. He's obviously dedicated to his sport and substitutes are just as important as any players. Should only the key players turn up to training, then the others won't know the plays, the calls or anything! It's always a tricky balance when someone isn't ready to leave their hometown fully and I guess he's not willing to do it just yet when he's not even too sure if he will be staying in Dublin long term or not. I know lots of guys that do this and yeah it's hard on the girlfriend, but maybe it's hard on him too, he probably feels like he's letting her down on different things and should make more of an effort but he is probably with that club all his life, all his friends are there and he has an affinity with the town and the people.

OP - are things different the other two months of the year?

P.S. I don't know why you're slagging off my advice, it's my opinion, you didn't see me slagging off the advice of you or anyone else.

Defiler Of The Coffin

LostGirly wrote: »

I don't know what this has to do with anything. He's obviously dedicated to his sport and substitutes are just as important as any players. Should only the key players turn up to training, then the others won't know the plays, the calls or anything! It's always a tricky balance when someone isn't ready to leave their hometown fully and I guess he's not willing to do it just yet when he's not even too sure if he will be staying in Dublin long term or not. I know lots of guys that do this and yeah it's hard on the girlfriend, but maybe it's hard on him too, he probably feels like he's letting her down on different things and should make more of an effort but he is probably with that club all his life, all his friends are there and he has an affinity with the town and the people.

OP - are things different the other two months of the year?

P.S. I don't know why you're slagging off my advice, it's my opinion, you didn't see me slagging off the advice of you or anyone else.

You seem to be missing the whole point of the thread, there is no problem with the guy in question playing for a football team, having an affinity with his hometown, going out with his friends at home etc, the problem is that he is doing all this at the expense of time with his girlfriend of five years. This is not normal or healthy in a committed relationship and that's why we have the OP posting here. You seem more sympathetic to the boyfriend here, but it's him that's causing the problem. If he's not willing to fully leave his hometown then why is he stringing someone along? He can't have it every way.

There is nothing wrong with anybody not being a key player in any team but in this case it makes it harder for him to justify all the time and effort that he has to put in at the expense of other aspects of his life. Why should the OP be the one to lose out? Is she not important too?

I didn't intend to slag off your post if that's how it came across but you can't expect to have your posts unchallenged in a public forum.

LostGirly

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

You seem to be missing the whole point of the thread, there is no problem with the guy in question playing for a football team, having an affinity with his hometown, going out with his friends at home etc, the problem is that he is doing all this at the expense of time with his girlfriend of five years. This is not normal or healthy in a committed relationship and that's why we have the OP posting here. You seem more sympathetic to the boyfriend here, but it's him that's causing the problem. If he's not willing to fully leave his hometown then why is he stringing someone along? He can't have it every way.

There is nothing wrong with anybody not being a key player in any team but in this case it makes it harder for him to justify all the time and effort that he has to put in at the expense of other aspects of his life. Why should the OP be the one to lose out? Is she not important too?

I didn't intend to slag off your post if that's how it came across but you can't expect to have your posts unchallenged in a public forum.

Of course she's important, but it's been five years, how come it took so long for the OP to realise that she's not happy with the situation. It could all change come September if he gets a teaching post in another place entirely. I do think that the boyfriend could give up coaching the other team and that would help but has the OP suggested this to him and would it really mean that he'd be in Dublin more? He'd probably still be going home for training on a Friday and have a game on a Sunday!
As another poster said could the OP get involved with the club or as I suggested could she travel home with him even once a month. If she's suggested this and he's said no then I would be asking questions but maybe she hasn't suggested this. There's also the point the OP made of

"With all that said he is a very supportive boyfriend (weekdays and phonecalls!) who I am very much in love with. Is it worth waiting for GAA retirement?!!!"

Maybe just wait another little while if she can.
But then again, maybe I should stick to my instinct reaction to the thread of: if you are questioning the relationship, then you aren't truly happy and there's no point being in a relationship that you aren't truly happy in because ultimately those unhappy points will boil over and become too much to bare!

Sit down with your Boyfriend OP and talk it out, don't just make comments about it all, properly sit down and thrash it out, explain exactly how it makes you feel and don't do it after he's missed an event of yours because he'll think it's just a reaction to that. Have him over for dinner, or go out for a drink and talk it out. It's amazing what can be sorted out with a heart to heart, I'm sure ye can come to a compromise!!

Defiler Of The Coffin

LostGirly wrote: »

Maybe just wait another little while if she can.
But then again, maybe I should stick to my instinct reaction to the thread of: if you are questioning the relationship, then you aren't truly happy and there's no point being in a relationship that you aren't truly happy in because ultimately those unhappy points will boil over and become too much to bare!

Sit down with your Boyfriend OP and talk it out, don't just make comments about it all, properly sit down and thrash it out, explain exactly how it makes you feel and don't do it after he's missed an event of yours because he'll think it's just a reaction to that. Have him over for dinner, or go out for a drink and talk it out. It's amazing what can be sorted out with a heart to heart, I'm sure ye can come to a compromise!!

That's more like it.

Thrash it out with your partner OP, but don't sell yourself short.

superblu

If I thought I was being referred to in such unfavourable terms as benchwarmer by my other half I wouldn't be too happy about it. Why was it even necessary to make reference to this fact. I've no doubt that if it wasn't his passion for the GAA and playing football with his mates you had a problem with it would be something else. The camaraderie between lads that play on a team together be it at intercounty or junior B is something that most women wouldn't understand. To attempt to take this outlet away from him would be very detrimental to the relationship. Would you prefer a fat slob that lay in the couch eating pizza every night.

iguana

Where do you see this relationship going OP? You've been together 5 years, have you discussed your future? Do you think you may have children with this man? I ask because if you do what happens when you have children?

My Dad was a rugby nut. Tuesday and Thursday evenings were training and Saturdays or Sundays were match days. My Dad's team was very good so they usually ended up going all the way in a number of tournaments each year, meaning his season was longer than a number of other people's. As a result my mother would be left alone with us on those days and evenings. At times there were classes she would like to do herself on Tuesdays or Thursdays and it wasn't even countenanced that my Dad would miss training for her to get out, even though he was always out.

I love my Dad and he was a great husband and father in a huge number of ways but I can see as an adult that he was very selfish in his refusal to let anything interfere with his game. Passions are well and good but not if following them means taking advantage of the person you love.