Men and Women

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A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

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A man was lying in bed facing his wife, he looks into her eyes and says "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery."

She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?"

He says "No, I wish you'd rollover!"

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Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~"Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic."
~~"I'm poor."

"I need you."
~~"My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."
~~"I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
~~"I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
~~"So I can tell my friends about it."


"I don't know if I like her."
~~"She won't sleep with me."


"Was it good for you?"
~~"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
~~"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
~~"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."
~~"Get tested."

"I'll give you a call."
~~"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
~~"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
~~"You're ugly."

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Mike returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Mike asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please ... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Mike, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours ... Do you think we could ...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Mike, enough is enough, I have to get up in the morning ... you don't.'

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Text message between two lovers…

She sends the following message:
My love,
If you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you.

He replied:
I'm in the toilet
What do I send?????????????????????

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No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is:

- When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

- And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

- And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

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Where exactly IS the skill in female demolition derby?



There's a dodgy dealer in our area who's responsible for several deaths recently.
He's been selling cars to women.



My wife said she wanted to do something new for her Birthday, something that she'd only be able to do once in a life time.
So I booked her a Driving Experience.

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What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have In common?

Most men usually miss them.

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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument

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Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard

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A man who was having an affair saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "Low Battery". Whenever she calls him, his wife takes the phone and plugs it in to be charged.

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Q: What's the best part of a blowjob when you're married?

A: The few minutes of silence.

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No.
2. No = Yes.
3. Maybe = No.
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

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All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....

and the maniac stays on.

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Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know. Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What, and have a house full of kids?"

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Seven Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called .....
Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and have sex
until you're blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ...
Kitchen Sex.
This is when you've been with your partner for a short time and you're so needy you'll have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ...
Bedroom Sex.
This is when you've been with your partner a long time.
Your sex has become routine and only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ...
Hallway Sex.
This is when you've been with your partner for too long.When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ...
'Fuc* You!'

The 5th kind of sex is called ...
Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ...
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more.She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And. Last ... But not least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ...
Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

sam1970

brilliant cant stop laughing

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Q: What's the difference between an eight-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

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Sunhill

"You've put on weight, man, you should do some exercise"
"Actually, I ran a mile last night"
"What prompted you to do that?"
"Was on a date with this chick. Took her to the pub, we were getting on great. Then she said she had two kids at home. That's when I ran a mile last night"

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