Men and Women

Bootup

A real woman is a man's best friend.


She will never stand him up and never let him down.


She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.


She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.


She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.


She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...Sorry.I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

Bootup

Men Should Understand...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along.

The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.



Women Should Understand...

Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Bootup

True Meaning




Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True
Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"True
Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

JohnnyBananas

Oldie but Goldie.

How to make a woman happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

Bootup

MONEY
: A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a washcloth and towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Bootup

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"

Bootup

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM


MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ...
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.

Bootup

Cleaning (for Men)

Broom (brum) - A long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother)

Vacuum (vak' u em) - Much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.

Dust Pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.

Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: Look for your old "lucky shirt".

Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old.

Mop (mop) - A bundle of coarse yarn, rags ! or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year.

Toilet Brush (to lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again!

Oven Cleaner (UV en Klen' ER) - No, not the teenager. This is an actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

Sponge (spunj) - Used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power Wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house (hint hint).

Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men do squeegee.

Bootup

Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Sven Svenson."

"Why Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped Ole.

Bootup

Things to NEVER Say to a Women During Sex


Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

You must be very experienced.

Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt?

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Look ... I can get my whole arm in.

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Is that an optical illusion?

If I look right at it, I feel like I'm falling in.

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.

Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

I expect a good time ... at least, the bathroom wall said so.

You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

You're not that fat.

I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

Bootup

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

Bootup

New Definitions





ATTRACTION -- the act of associating horniness with a particular person.


LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT -- what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet?


DATING -- the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.


BIRTH CONTROL -- avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.


EASY -- a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.


PRIG -- a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.


EYE CONTACT -- a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.


FRIEND -- a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.


INDIFFERENCE -- a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."


INTERESTING -- a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.


IRRITATING HABIT -- what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.


LAW OF RELATIVITY -- how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.


NYMPHOMANIAC -- a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.


FRIGID -- a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.


SOBER -- condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.



NAG -- a man's term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just sexual intercourse.

Bootup

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.


She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.


With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.


The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

Bootup

Two mates were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style," asked the one? "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Bootup

Diversity Training Test"

See how you score on this one.

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3.You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.


4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.


5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.


7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8.Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."


10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Scoring Guide:
If you answered:
"A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered:
"B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered:
"C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"

Bootup

What Kind of Sex do You Have?




LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"




QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,"You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an
affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Bootup

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!



There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.



My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.



Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Bootup

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Bootup

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Bootup

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Bootup

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.



After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says: "It's a picture of my wife. When she looks good to me I'm going home."

Bootup

- Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

- Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

- Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

- Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

- Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Bootup

Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like to Give to Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the f***ing ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got no chance of me calling you.

7. No, I won't be gentle.

6. Of course you have to swallow.

5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your f*cking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a porn movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 10 whiskie's to get up the courage to f**k it.

Bootup

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Bootup

What I want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. BREATHING
2. DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET

Bootup

LONE WOLFF

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me".

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband". The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian and I cannot go back on my word.. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....

If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Bootup

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres



Oh,I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.‘


Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.


When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.


When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near thefloor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh,I wish I'd looked after me tits

Bootup

Types Of Female Orgasms

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM for a WOMAN

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

Nothingbetter2d

Bootup wrote: »

Types Of Female Orgasms

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM for a WOMAN

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

9. the girl racer - faster faster faster.......

10. the rigid girl - harder harder harder....

Bootup

What it REALLY Means




"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."



"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."



"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no bread left."



"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."



"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."



"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."



"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"



"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary... again."



"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars and good-looking women."



"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop," the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."



"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."



"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"



"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."



"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."



"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."



"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."



"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."



"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."



"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Bootup

Married Life




Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.



- Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.



- Marriage is a rest period between romances.



- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.



- Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?



- Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing. - Marriage is bliss.

- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

JohnnyBananas

Bootup wrote: »

Types Of Female Orgasms

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM for a WOMAN

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

Hey, Bootup. Don’t forget the fake orgasm.

Oh Bootup, Oh Bootup, Oh Bootup.

(or name of male you are telling the joke to)

Nothingbetter2d

JohnnyBananas wrote: »

Hey, Bootup. Don’t forget the fake orgasm.

Oh Bootup, Oh Bootup, Oh Bootup.

(or name of male you are telling the joke to)

oh bootup oh bootup oh bootup sounds like she is having an orgasm in a shoe shop

Bootup

Married Life



- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."



- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.





- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.



- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done.

Bootup

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened
to the instructor declare;
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'Self raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

Bootup

Nomenclature for Understanding Relationships




ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Bootup

Married Life

- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Bootup

Bootup

Married Life


- Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

- Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

- Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

- First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

- Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.


- Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Bootup

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.








A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Bootup

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf.

Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf.

Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, an oak leaf, and...

Bootup

She said to her husband, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing."

"Really?" he said.

"Yes," she replied. "And, do you know what song they sing?"

"No..."

"I didn't think so," the wife said.

Bootup

Women’s Traing Courses



1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

Bootup

Big Tits vs Little Tits




Women with Big Tits--

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits--

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

Bootup

I watched a womens' golf tournament the other day. Their driving and putting was awfull, but they were they good with an iron.

Nothingbetter2d

Bootup wrote: »

I watched a womens' golf tournament the other day. Their driving and putting was awfull, but they were they good with an iron.

they are not to bad with the sandwedge either

Bootup

Bootup

Bootup

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the cooker!

Bootup

Men and Womens Vocabulary



THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female definition: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male definition: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with The lads.

BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's Girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.