Can you take a compliment?

Princess Peach

I am terrible for taking compliments. If someones says I look good, I'll respond "Pssshhh go away would you" or something similar to brush it off, "You look better." Somebody will say my hair looks nice, I'll say it's only cause I washed it after it looked awful yesterday. They will compliment my dress, I'll say it was only €5 in Penneys. I was in the lift the other day, ironically going to my body image acceptance support group, and a guy told me I looked stunning. I was mortified, and he got out of the lift then before I could correct him. I can never just say thank you and be happy.

But take the extreme opposite. A girl who loves compliments, will thank you for noticing her hair, it took ages to do and she is very happy with it. She really loves her dress too, thinks it looks great on her. People might call her conceited.

I'm not the only woman I know who is like this. Why cannot we take compliments? Does it stem from low esteem, or is it that we are programmed to dismiss them so as not to seem vain?

cson

I think its an Irish thing; I always notice that by and large folks from other countries are very accepting and gracious about compliments. We seem to be pre programmed to be embarrassed about them.

Twee.

I used to brush off compliments, if someone said I had a nice dress it would be "oh this old thing", hair looks nice "ha yeah I brushed it" etc etc. But, it's just as easy to say "thanks!". People are being nice by paying you a compliment, and when someone does something nice for you, you say thanks!

Babybuff

I used to be the same but for some reason people feel the need to comment positively on my physical appearance a lot over the last few years and I often wonder do I give off vibes that say I need all the reassurance I can get (I have an inkling why they say it tbh) and it's at the stage where they might as well be asking would I like a cup of tea, I do thanks.
I wouldn't have great self esteem either but I just say thanks, no biggie.


edit: what twee said

RacoonQueen

It's an Irish thing. I'm brutal at taking compliments, it's like we feel we have to respond to compliments and return one when the complimenter doesn't expect one. We get embarassed when someone compliments us.

Princess Peach

The rest of the girls in my support group are Canadian though and they were the same as me, so its not really an Irish thing! Is it a female thing? We couldn't really come up with an answer.

I want to be able to take compliments, but its just such a natural reflex for me now to put myself down after every one. Afterwards I think to myself, I should have just said thank you, but its like its embedded into me.

Neyite

Princess Peach wrote: »

The rest of the girls in my support group are Canadian though and they were the same as me, so its not really an Irish thing! Is it a female thing? We couldn't really come up with an answer.

I want to be able to take compliments, but its just such a natural reflex for me now to put myself down after every one. Afterwards I think to myself, I should have just said thank you, but its like its embedded into me.

Its a habit to downplay compliments - I had to make an effort to accept compliments. I started with just a simple reply "Thankyou, thats really nice of you to say so" until I got comfortable. Now I always thank a compliment and now I can fully accept them for what they are. Its somebody giving you a little boost.

dcfc

I'm rubbish at taking a compliment as well!

Ickle Magoo

I think it's lovely that someone thinks enough of me or my appearance or my kids or whatever to let me know what they are thinking - I also think deflecting praise or compliments embarrasses the person who gave it...so I just take the compliment, with thanks.

awec

This post has been deleted.

Princess Peach

I'm thinking of it now, and I think my main problem is I don't believe the compliments. Especially when somebody compliments my looks, because of the issues I have. Even if I do think my hair looks nice on a particular day, I will always think some other part of me looks bad to offset it.

Or sometimes I think people feel they need to compliment you but that they don't really mean it. But what did that guy in the lift the other day have to gain from calling me stunning? He wasn't trying to chat me up or anything, got out of the lift at his floor. He genuinely was just being nice.

Starting to think my inability to take a compliment comes from my insecurities alright. I am really going to try and make a conscious effort to be thankful for them!

Ickle Magoo, I think deflecting praise not only embarrasses the giver, but its also quite rude and can annoy them. I know my boyfriend gets so annoyed every time he gives me a compliment and I give out about it, especially because he gives them so often so he really notices how often I deflect them.

Acoshla

I take them pretty well after reading this! Yep I always say thank you and generally give a big smile because if someone says "I love your dress" I'm happy to accept praise for picking it 99% of the time I believe the person is being genuine, as am I when I give compliments, unless it's the 1% of bitches that I know don't mean it.

My best friend was walking away from me in a hotel yesterday and I said "Your cardigan is lovely", she did the funniest thing, flounced it out behind her with her hands and said a big dramatic Thank You!!! and skipped down the hall, that's how to take a compliment

Ickle Magoo

Maybe look at them a slightly different way, Peach, if it helps...instead of taking the compliment literally and immediately writing it off as not being genuine or rationalising it - just accept it was said because they think it will make you happy or give you a wee boost, and thank that someone wants to do that for you.

krudler

Acoshla wrote: »

I take them pretty well after reading this! Yep I always say thank you and generally give a big smile because if someone says "I love your dress" I'm happy to accept praise for picking it 99% of the time I believe the person is being genuine, as am I when I give compliments, unless it's the 1% of bitches that I know don't mean it.

My best friend was walking away from me in a hotel yesterday and I said "Your cardigan is lovely", she did the funniest thing, flounced it out behind her with her hands and said a big dramatic Thank You!!! and skipped down the hall, that's how to take a compliment

like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex51QJfN1d8

I dont take them too well, people tell me I have nice eyes, I dont see it tbh, always had a thing about my eyes as a kid so tend not to make much eye contact with people because of it, depends on the situation though, tis weird.

Acoshla

Princess Peach wrote: »

But take the extreme opposite. A girl who loves compliments, will thank you for noticing her hair, it took ages to do and she is very happy with it. She really loves her dress too, thinks it looks great on her. People might call her conceited.

Also I wouldn't think someone who thanks you for noticing her hair or dress was conceited, we all wear and do things that we like and make us feel good, just because someone else acknowledges it and you enjoy that doesn't make you vain...does it?

PhysiologyRocks

I tend to respond to compliments with a rather startled "thanks". It may not be the most charming or intelligent way I could handle them, but it appears to be my default reaction.

krudler

Acoshla wrote: »

Also I wouldn't think someone who thanks you for noticing her hair or dress was conceited, we all wear and do things that we like and make us feel good, just because someone else acknowledges it and you enjoy that doesn't make you vain...does it?

depends on how you act I guess, someone who looks pretty or handsome on a night out and knows they look good (doesnt everyone strive to look good when going out,its half the point) but isnt swanning around the place or acting big headed is fine, you're allowed think you put in the effort and look decent.

I can take a compliment but only if its heartfelt i can tell the difference . I like to give them too . One of the best was one random woman told my eldest daughter she was beautiful (she was getting bullied for being fat at school at the time ) made her day and mine.

. Nice random acts of compliments when the person means what they say and wants nothing back in return i will have any amount of them thanks

Giselle

Acoshla wrote: »

Also I wouldn't think someone who thanks you for noticing her hair or dress was conceited

If someone says my hair or clothes are nice, I say thank you for noticing/thats kind of you to say etc. I usually find something nice to say in return.

I'm not sure how that can be construed as conceited.

Das Kitty

I thank people for compliments whether they're being genuine or not. I have no real way of knowing anyway (not being a mind-reader :pac: ).

I know a girl who has terrible trouble taking compliments, she actually would tell you that you were just saying it to be nice. Now I never give false compliments, which isn't a problem because I can usually find something nice to say to most people. But I find it difficult to talk to this girl because she so aggressively rejects even half compliments. One I told her I thought her eye makeup was beautiful (it was) and she told me that people always compliment her eyes because she's fat and it's an easy one.

panda100

Princess Peach wrote: »

I'm thinking of it now, and I think my main problem is I don't believe the compliments. Especially when somebody compliments my looks, because of the issues I have. Even if I do think my hair looks nice on a particular day, I will always think some other part of me looks bad to offset it.

I can definately relate to this. I find that if someone compliments my hair for example,I think they are making it up and my hair actually looks awful.
Personally I prefer If people don't comment on how I look or how I'm dressed. I get so many comments daily about my height,something I am already self conscious about, that If someone draws attention to another body part It just makes me feel even more self conscious.

I think if someone is genuinely complimenting you then the right thing to do is say thanks,it seems insincere if you just throw a compliment back at them.


I don't think its an Irish thing,as I have a friend from Singapore who is quite similar to me in this regard.I think when how you view yourself and how the world views you doesn't match up, its sometimes difficult to take compliments at face value.

silvervixen84

I take them a lot better these days. Before a compliment would make me supsicious and paranoid!

I have bright red hair, so sometimes get compliments about it from strangers on the street/Tube and it brightens my day to think they took the time to stop and say it to me.

Dolbert

Believe the compliment, smile brightly, say thank you, and everyone is all the better for the exchange

KTRIC

From a guys point of view if you don't mind. I got a couple of nice complements last year when I started dating again from women, really embarrassed me no end and I didn't know what to make of it. So maybe it is an Irish thing after all.

ashes79

I had this conversation with a German friend a few years ago. She actually really disliked the Irish way of brushing off a compliment for a few reasons:
1> She felt it was rude to the compliment giver (implying that they have **** taste for liking x or y)
2> that it is actually an extremely vain thing to do, encouraging the person to insist that yes x really does look good over & over (like a Mrs Doyle type compliment, ah you do look good, you do, you do, you do.....)

So thanks to her I try not to brush off compliments too often but I still do the "penneys 5 euro thing lol)

Bubblefett

I always thank then deflect away from myself if I get a compliment
X: you look well
Me: thanks. You look amazing, love your drss etc
I get embarassed with attention

Kooli

ashes79 wrote: »

I had this conversation with a German friend a few years ago. She actually really disliked the Irish way of brushing off a compliment for a few reasons:
1> She felt it was rude to the compliment giver (implying that they have **** taste for liking x or y)
2> that it is actually an extremely vain thing to do, encouraging the person to insist that yes x really does look good over & over (like a Mrs Doyle type compliment, ah you do look good, you do, you do, you do.....)

So thanks to her I try not to brush off compliments too often but I still do the "penneys 5 euro thing lol)

It's a fair point.
Think about how you feel when you give someone a genuine compliment and they start putting themselves down. You may feel sad or sorry for them, you may feel annoyed that they are forcing you to give more compliments and reassurance, you may feel exasperated or frustrated and think 'what's the point?'

Now think how you feel when you give someone a genuine compliment and they say 'Thank you!' and look really pleased. You feel good!

So remember it's not just about how you feel. A compliment is like a gift - don' turn your nose up at it or shove it back.

Not easy to do, I used to be the same, but genuinely, it's just a habit thing. It's a bad habit, you can break it if you want to, and it genuinely feels better to just say thanks and let it go, rather than going into self-criticism mode.

Honey-ec

Dolorous wrote: »

Believe the compliment, smile brightly, say thank you, and everyone is all the better for the exchange

This. My paternal nana was an amazing woman who spent all our childhoods telling us we were great and never to let anyone else bring us down. It must have worked, cause I've never had any self-esteem issues and wouldn't know any other way to respond to compliment other than Dolorous's above.

thebiggestjim

cson wrote: »

I think its an Irish thing; I always notice that by and large folks from other countries are very accepting and gracious about compliments. We seem to be pre programmed to be embarrassed about them.

Not true, my american girlfriend has no ability to accept a compliment without mentioning that she feels fat. Magazines and TV have battered womens self image.

IsaMtq

I can’t seem to take a complement at all, if I’m complimented on anything my initial reaction without any thought whatsoever is, you need your eyes checking. ‘You’ve lovely hair’ - ‘are ya blind, I’ve awful hair’, ‘You’ve great skin’ – ‘are you blind, I’ve awful skin’ etc.

Its more to do with self confidence I think, I make a lot of effort with my appearance but have way too much insecurities about it too, which actually wrecks my head, I base a lot of how I feel about myself on how I look – its more subconscious I think, yet I’m so self critical its generally skewed and unfair so I’d love to learn how to just give that up!! Working on it!

Kooli wrote: »

Now think how you feel when you give someone a genuine compliment and they say 'Thank you!' and look really pleased. You feel good! So remember it's not just about how you feel. A compliment is like a gift - don' turn your nose up at it or shove it back.
Not easy to do, I used to be the same, but genuinely, it's just a habit thing. It's a bad habit, you can break it if you want to, and it genuinely feels better to just say thanks and let it go, rather than going into self-criticism mode.

Will defo try this for the future. Simple thanks, and be a bit more gracious!

Novella

I can take a compliment. I used to brush them off but I read somewhere that brushing off a compliment was rude 'cause that was a person who didn't have to tell you that you looked good or whatever making an effort to be nice so why not be nice back?

I always say thank you and compliments brighten up my day.

IsaMtq

"Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how." - from the song Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

baby and crumble

I used to be terrible at accepting compliments when I was a teenager, until I met the Mum of an American friend of mine, who used to say things like "you moisturise a lot, that must be why you have such great skin!" and stuff like that. I used to try an brush them off, but she gave out to me about it so much that I stopped and learned to say thanks.

So now that's what I do. It's really helped me feel better about myself, especially since my style and fashion sense isn't typical for most women- so it's really cool when someone compliments my cufflinks, or tie or whatever. It's easy when you don't fit in to what society says you should look like as a woman heading into her 30's to get down on yourself, but accepting simple compliments really helps.

beks101

I'm getting better.

Here in Toronto I've found it's a bit of a social faux-pas to reject a compliment, it's like you're basically telling that person that they're wrong in their opinion and/or they're lying.

I've found myself in a few weird situations where I've done a blatant 'oh this old thing!' etc and where I expected banter to ensue, I just got the raised eyebrows and confused expressions.

I just try not to overthink them. If someone goes to the trouble of telling you something positive about yourself, with the intention of giving you a boost, then you can at least re-pay the favour by saying 'thanks'.

I think maybe it's rooted in confidence issues too - more often than not the people who so willingly reject a compliment, wouldn't give a second thought to an insult and take it as truth. Why the double standard? Smile and take the boost

I usually just say thanks. It would seem rude not to. And is way easier than brushing it off.

Birdie086

I used to be really bad for taking compliments, but now I just say 'thanks' even if sometimes I still believe it.

I was talking to a girl the other day who told me a story about a a girl from eastern europe, living in Ireland, with not the best English, who genuinly thought the reply - in English - to a compliment was 'really, its only Penney's love', seriously, it was all she heard in reply to a compliment in this country so she took it literally and this is how she replied to a compliment about her hair.

mikeyboy

I am very wary of paying any woman a compliment ever since my first job when I got hauled into the manager's office and read the riot act for putting the company in danger of a massive sexual harassment suit just 'cos I said to one of my female colleagues that her new hair do really suited her.

^ Are you serious? Some people need to relax! That's ridiculous.

mikeyboy

Lia_lia wrote: »

^ Are you serious? Some people need to relax! That's ridiculous.

Deadly serious, apparently one of the other female staff had lodged an official complaint that she felt objectified when someone made a similar comment so there was basically a no compliment policy in place

howsyourtusk

Jesus that's extreme. And I think compliments, assuming they're sincere, just make you glow a little inside. Who doesn't love em?

Dudess

Yeah I can - I just say thanks. I might get a bit embarrassed at times, but still just say thanks.

SarahBeep!

Kinda learning to as I grow up. Had so many people.say nice things to me at the ball and I point blank refused to brush it off.

One of the lads said I looked immaculate.

Thats an awesome word.

I have this habit of paying compliments to people, I always mean them too- I find no point in saying them if you don't. Yet I cannot take compliments to save my life - if someone pays one to an item of clothing I'm wearing, I generally remark on how cheap I got it.

The Lovely Muffin

I used to be awful at taking compliments, now I smile and say thanks.

I think it is nice that someone takes the time to give you a compliment and give you a little boost

Mars Bar

Not great at taking them but I'll say thanks. I wouldn't shoot it down. But I hate getting them so I try and not do anything to be complimented such as dressing up and going out. It's turned into a horrible cycle coz the longer I wait, the more compliments I get when I do dress up! If I was dressing up every other week, no one would notice. But I'm stuck in this rut!

Now if someone says, "you're a great footballer" or something, then I'll gleam with joy because it has nothing to do with looks and I know I'm decent at football so it's likely they are telling the truth!

Missmiddleton

I take a complement and respond with a sincere thank you and grateful smile.

_petulia_

Princess Peach wrote: »

I am terrible for taking compliments. If someones says I look good, I'll respond "Pssshhh go away would you" or something similar to brush it off, "You look better." Somebody will say my hair looks nice, I'll say it's only cause I washed it after it looked awful yesterday. They will compliment my dress, I'll say it was only €5 in Penneys. I was in the lift the other day, ironically going to my body image acceptance support group, and a guy told me I looked stunning. I was mortified, and he got out of the lift then before I could correct him. I can never just say thank you and be happy.

But take the extreme opposite. A girl who loves compliments, will thank you for noticing her hair, it took ages to do and she is very happy with it. She really loves her dress too, thinks it looks great on her. People might call her conceited.

I'm not the only woman I know who is like this. Why cannot we take compliments? Does it stem from low esteem, or is it that we are programmed to dismiss them so as not to seem vain?

I used to be terrible at accepting compliments, I'd always brush them aside but then a friend noticed me doing it one day and called me on it. They said that there's enough bad things being said in the world without people who say good things feeling almost like they shouldn't have said anything or spoke out of turn.

Nowadays when someone pays me a compliment I smile and say thank you. And make sure I'm not stingy with paying people compliments in return when the situation presents itself

stripysocks85

I am USELESS at taking complements. Like the OP, I guess I don't BELIEVE what the other person is saying. Oh dear god, have I got body image acceptance issues? Quite possibly. It's a lifelong thing. Very similar, if a girl said she liked my dress, I'd state how cheap I'd gotten it, or comments on my hair, I would say 'Oh I washed it!' I'm quite an outgoing person, so I suppose in some ways I just shrug them off with a jokey comment at times. I do like being told them though, I just have to learn to make mysellf believe them

jaffacakesyum

Ugh i hate compliments!! Now that I think of it, it's more compliments about my appearance that I don't like. If people complimented a dinner I made or a skill I have, I would still get embarrassed and brush it off, but it wouldn't be as bad. I just can't stand people commenting on my looks, even when it's positive.

I think it stems from low self-esteem and not wanting to draw attention to myself. Also even when people are being genuine "oh your hair looks really nice today" - it makes me think "yeah great, my hair looks nice today - that's good. but what about every other day when it looks crap?" :pac:

Das Kitty

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Ugh i hate compliments!! Now that I think of it, it's more compliments about my appearance that I don't like. If people complimented a dinner I made or a skill I have, I would still get embarrassed and brush it off, but it wouldn't be as bad. I just can't stand people commenting on my looks, even when it's positive.

I think it stems from low self-esteem and not wanting to draw attention to myself. Also even when people are being genuine "oh your hair looks really nice today" - it makes me think "yeah great, my hair looks nice today - that's good. but what about every other day when it looks crap?" :pac:

You pay other people compliments though, right?

Why do you do it? Odds on it's because you mean it, other people are the same.

So many people with confidence issues here, it's mad! Yer all great , believe it!

(as cheesy as that sounds..)