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Do you beleve " the one " exists and if so have you found them, and how did you know
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11-03-2012 1:04am#1
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭
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[Cynic]Never mind the odds of there being only one person out of billions for you never mind finding them.. I've noted this "One" tends to be retrospective over a lifetime. Just like the "love at first sight" thing. Plus it tends to be forced and stuck to when this distinction/decision is made, even if down the line it's obvious as the nose on a big nosed blokes face that oil and water are more compatible. This belief in the one/fate etc may serve to keep a couple together when otherwise they'd split for valid reasons, reasons that may be temporary, so it may have some relationship value. Certainly I would say people can be more laissez faire about splitting up than they may have been in the past when societial structures and pressures kept them together. That can defo go both ways though.
I've also known quite a few people* to say "X is the one", then it goes belly up and this previous statement of fact isn't mentioned, even forgotten(the mind rejects it) and sooner or later another "One" pops up on radar. I've certainly known many who've not stayed with this magical one. And no surprise there. For a start we all grow and change over time. The One at 19 is highly unlikely to be the One at 30 or 50, unless you are very compatible and change with each other.
So yea for me it's largely magical thinking born of romantic notions, culture and with maybe a small side order of evolutionary psyhchology. In reality however I certainly wouldn't believe in it on an objective level, even though I've felt it on the subjective level myself. Stepping back and after the fact I knew it was daft/my mind and emotions playing tricks.
*I've noticed this idea in many more women than men. Ditto for the love at first sight and talk of relationship "fate". I've no idea why as these would not be daft or wooly headed people. In many cases quite the contrary in fact. These ideas are fairly rare even in men whose IQ matches their shoe size.
[/Cynic] Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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I believe in the one. It's when you are with someone and have no doubts that you want to be with them forever, and no doubts how happy and in love ye both are. I had been in love before but had lots of doubts!
Maybe there are other matched for you in the world, but the point is once you meet the one you stop looking. I've met guys since who are great fun to be around and we get along so well, but I have never looked at them in any light other than as a friend.
Its a great feeling
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its funny as most people who know me would look at me really strangely when i say that yeah i still believe that theres one person out there thats "the one" for you, but tbh imho i always think that if you dont even slightly think that and would like to be with someone then really it seems like itd be maybe just out of convenience etc, nothing much more, just my opinion, and thats fine if thats what you like/want but i would hate that really.
im not belittling anyone at all btw, i mean if it works for you great you know, its just that i always think imho that if you dont think the person your with seriously is "the only one" for you or whatever you want to call it, then i would think whats the point tbh.
you can date, have fun etc with whoever you find hot/cute etc, but that "the one" concept is what id want if i was going to get serious with someone, if it happens again.
it could be the person who i thought was the love of my life/soulmate/"the one" or whatever and he could come back to me, or it could be someone else entirely, who knows
then again people may say that im being unrealistic with that, as i wont be with anyone seriously whatsoever unless i feel its 100% love, and theyre my best friend, and everything is perfect to me/us, which makes sense why ive only had one relationship so far. 0 -
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Could have not said that better myselfMagicMarker wrote: »There is no ''the one'' but there is ''the one of many''.
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I think it's a load of rubbish myself.
As a previous poster stated: the world is full of potential partners or 'ones' if you like.
People who say they believe are generally people who've found 'a one' - but that 'one' is one of many that could've been, in my opinion anyway. 0 -
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 59144
You've hit on something else too Daisies IE how compatible you are to how many and vice versa. Some people are more compatible with more people by the very nature of their personalities, looks, status and social opportunities. EG So I'm male past 40, have grey bits in my hair and single. Just like George Clooney, but that's where the similarity ends*, he would have more opportunities on so many levels to meet the one, or in G's case several ones(or is that wans?). Coming back to earth, I've noticed some people just fall in love more easily than others. TBH I used to think they were more easily pleased even shallow, but with a few exceptions they did actually fall in love more often. So they're gonna be more open to the one than somebody who thinks and feels differently. Basically some people are more likely to fall in love than others and attract more of the same. The same people IMHO also tend to cast a wider net, they're less "fussy" for want of a better word. I'd say most fall between the extremes, but more towards the fall in love easily enough end.
*so help me if people thank this ye're all banned. Even, hell especially my fellow mods. Even Admins won't be immune. I'll follow the lot of ye with Lolcats for a week. :mad:Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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I think that the whole concept of "The One" is actually pretty depressing. What if you're not lucky enough to ever meet your "One" (out of all the billions of people in the world!), or what if you meet them and it doesn't work for whatever reason, timing etc?
Also I guess that, the more open-minded you are, the more partners you'll come across in life that are perfect for you. It's to do with what Wibbs said in his last post (he's not just a pretty face, that guy! :P )
What I mean is, if you fall in love with someone, it doesn't work out for whatever reason, but you believe them "The One", the only One for you, and you compare every subsequent partner to them - then of course others will always fall short in some respect, and you might never be truly happy in a relationship again. And in these cases, I guess the whole idea of there being only One person in the world for you comes true - but it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy in these cases, if that makes sense?
Whereas if you take any new partner entirely on their own merits, with no preconceptions, you may end up with someone the polar opposite of the person you previously thought to be the One - but who is every bit as perfect for you. And I see no reason why this couldn't happen several times in a lifetime.
Then you have people in very happy committed long-term relationships. I'm thinking of my parents, for example. They've never been in love with anyone else, and at this stage it's unlikely either of them ever will be. I guess they've always been so happy together that they've never looked or thought further than each other - and that's cool, I think. But, at the same time, I have no doubt but that both of them could have had very happy lifelong marriages with other partners, had they never met each other.
I certainly believe it's true that some people may only ever be capable of loving one person, ever, in their lifetime. And there's nothing whatsoever wrong with that. But I'd imagine that they're very much in the minority. And, while the idea of there only being The One in these cases may be true, it's definitely an internal self-limiting thing, rather than a universal phenomenon.0 -
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I have the opposiote experience to may people who have already posted - I used to think that "The One" was an artificial construct peddaled by poets, and only made sense in chick lit or chick flicks. I was a big believer in He Who Will Do, and thought that anyone who held out for more than that was naively living in a fairy tale.
But then through some rather strange tricks of fate, or some odd cooincidences if you will, I met my One.
It was (and is) as if someone had taken The Ideal Man from my imagination, rounded them out to be even more perfect for me than I could imagine, and then dropped them in front of me at a time in my life where I could snap them up.
Now, of course I cannot see the future so of course, I could be wrong - but I don't think so. We've been through thick and thin together, got married last year and have a baby on the way. We seem to fall deeper in love with each passing day, challenge and support each other, still giggle like teenagers and fancy the pants off each other. So yeah, I believe in the One. And if my cynical heart could be convinced, anyones can.
Uh-oh... I suppose I'd better not go there... :pac: ... I think I've done my story to death on this forum anyway...
But wishing you the very best with it all! 0 -
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*so help me if people thank this ye're all banned. Even, hell especially my fellow mods. Even Admins won't be immune. I'll follow the lot of ye with Lolcats for a week. :mad:
Had to log in especially to thank this.
No of course there are many who might be compatible. But as you get older, generally the pool of (available, single) people shrinks and so do (often) your opportunities to meet them. I wonder do we fancy less people as we get older and our personalities are more formed, or is it just a matter of less people available, OR are people less fanciable as they age - even though we're aging too? Probably a bit from column A, a bit from B, a bit from C. /goes to look up research on second and third marriages/0 -
JuliusCaesar wrote: »Had to log in especially to thank this.
No of course there are many who might be compatible. But as you get older, generally the pool of (available, single) people shrinks and so do (often) your opportunities to meet them. I wonder do we fancy less people as we get older and our personalities are more formed, or is it just a matter of less people available, OR are people less fanciable as they age - even though we're aging too? Probably a bit from column A, a bit from B, a bit from C. /goes to look up research on second and third marriages/
I see your point on that. I find that I am not attracted to every man I meet. It takes me a lot longer to fancy someone now than it did when I were younger so guess there is some truth in what you are saying.
Though mutual attraction is a plus the pool of single people is shrinking I'd imagine as you get older. Its a maze really when someone fancies you but you don't fancy them back, you fancy someone and they don't fancy you back its difficult to find that balance sometimes.
Though compatibility in most aspects, sharing similarities in tastes, interests and personality other than having a life of your own too as well as having a connection, deep meaningful relationship with trust, honesty, communication, and compromise as well as being their soulmate/best friend as well as a lover really is something go on when you've met 'the one' regardless how many 'the one's you've had or ever have.0 -
Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 59144
Banned.JuliusCaesar wrote: »Had to log in especially to thank this.
I'd tend to agree on a lot of that. In my experience and obviously in very general terms, I've noticed from 30 to 40 men tend to get slightly more fussy with age and women slightly less so. The women while quite often saying they're more fussy seem to fall in love easier and a lot faster at 35 than at 25. Is that the better get reproducing brain kicking in? I dunno, but I've certainly noticed that your average 35 year old single man is more actively cynical, though the ladies are more likely to be vocally cynical. They'll take more crap from eejits that appear to be sticking around, or more they'll make excuses for "he'll do" sort of men.No of course there are many who might be compatible. But as you get older, generally the pool of (available, single) people shrinks and so do (often) your opportunities to meet them. I wonder do we fancy less people as we get older and our personalities are more formed, or is it just a matter of less people available, OR are people less fanciable as they age - even though we're aging too? Probably a bit from column A, a bit from B, a bit from C. /goes to look up research on second and third marriages/
Now I'm talking about the subset of men and women that have a "normal" level of relationship history behind them. EG men who've had few long termers or even none are the least "fussy" of all, often to their detriment. For older women they're more likely to encounter and give the chance to those sorts of guys. Not all of these guys are bad guys. Not at all. Some are just shy or never really forward enough when younger and are otherwise nice guys, but there are a lot of these men who were single for a reason who at say 40 are part of the dating einvironment. Judging by women mates of mine and their experiences I don't envy them looking for Mr Right in that environment.
Add in again in my experience and opinion that the ladies tend much more to believe in concepts like "the one/love at first sight/gut feelings" than the men and bad choices can be all too easy to fall into. Don't get me wrong, even though I tend to objective reductionism in my general mindset(to a fault in the past) I've learned through observing women mates to trust my "gut", my subconscious thought processes much more as it can often see things my Mr Spock part wouldn't see in a mllion years. I actually need to do it more still. Balance is all and to deny that very ancient and insightful part of my psyche is daft. Though I'd never rely on it to the degree that many of the ladies I know do, especially in matters of love.
doovdela makes some good observations regarding "tastes, interests and personality [and] having a life of your own". Folks as they age naturally tend to settle into themselves and their lives, they're less flexible less open to experiences beyond that safety bubble. Less gung ho, more measured overall, so this does tend to make it harder to accommodate a new person into that. Though IME I've found (single)women less like this than men again in general. More willing to think outside the box on that score. Indeed I've found men as they look down the barrel of middle age to be quite narrow in many ways. Emotionally anyway. Though funny if they have kids later in life that seems to reset.
We're all complex buggers so all bets are off. That's what I love about people. They never stop surprising me and themselves Plus it keeps folks like JuliusCaesar in jobs. Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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I don't know that I believe in the 'one' but I believe in soulmates, but not just in a romantic way.
I get this from my Mother, who would say that I'm her soulmate (I
my Mammy), but that she is not mine.
I think the idea of the 'one' can be depressing, and when you're single (no judgement!!!) it can become the be all and end all of your future happiness.
I believe, using the Mammy model, that you can have a soul mate and not be their soul mate. I don't think that a soul mate has to be confined to a sexual/romantic relationship either, I think that you can have a friend who is your soul mate and I don't think that necessarily invalidates or lessens the love you have for your partner or whatever.
I've always thought of loving people (romantically and otherwise) as giving a small bit of your heart away to each person you love, and sometimes you get it back, and sometimes you don't. Before I met my OH I would have imagined my heart missing loads of little pieces, of love I gave away too soon or whatever, but when I met him, I got those pieces replaced by what he gave me. (I hope he doesn't read this he'll be sick)
I think if you love someone that's all the matters, the idea of the one or soulmates is what you make it, if you put all your faith in finding the one, then you might miss the 'one right now', and you could potentially be their soulmate and not even know it!
On the subject of how did I know; I was engineering an argument, we were talking about a wedding we were going to and he just said (as an aside) 'I don't really like wedding hats' and I flipped out and accused him of being ashamed of me (I'm less crazy now I swear). When he was telling me I was being ridiculous I bent over to light a smoke and set my fringe on fire.
He sat there, dead pan and said 'Megan your hair is on fire' and from then I knew.0 -
This is a tricky one... I do think there is such a thing as someone very well suited to you. And you will know when you find someone like that after you get to know them better. But I don't think there is only one person on the planet to make you happy. It's simple statistics - among 6,704,845,726 billion people there surely is more than just one person you could love.
I think "The one" is a overromanticised idea that Hollywood makes their living of so nobody is going to officially dispel this myth... I think if you meet someone that you like and grow to love and your suited to each other the odds are that with a bit of hard work on the relationship you can make it very far 0 -
Roadtrippin wrote: »It's simple statistics - among 6,704,845,726 billion people there surely is more than just one person you could love.
Reminded me of this:
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I think if you believe in the concept of 'the one', then you have a chance of meeting them... if you dont believe, then it will never happen...
Dunno if that makes sense :rolleyes:
I do think my OH is more suited to me than anyone else I have been with. We went out when very young and just got back together, many years later, in recent years... While we were apart, he was always the 'one that got away' but now I have him back
Is he 'the one'? He is the one I want and can see myself wanting forever but I think you can only recognise 'the one' in retrospect i.e. have spent your life with them... I dont think you can decide someone is 'the one' in advance of having the relationship with them.
So is my OH the one? i hope he will be but I dont think that will be decided til the day one of us die having had a happy relationship...
Dunno if that makes sense either...
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