Refraining from Sex - Advice please!

Sexi Mama!**!

Hi,

I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years.
We have slept together and we still are. We have a great relationship and have a very strong foundation We get on great together.

But I've been thinking, the past couple of months about refraining from sex until marriage. I have a good relationship with God and I feel it getting stronger. I feel this is the right thing to do. I really don't know how he will react to this.

When I say no sex, I would carry on with foreplay, including oral.

I still need to think about this some more and I need to talk to my boyfriend. I need my thoughts to be clear before I do that.

Has anyone ever felt like this or been in a similar situation?

Advice would be appreciated.

PDN

Sexi Mama!**! wrote: »

When I say no sex, I would carry on with foreplay, including oral.

To be honest, while you are free to do whatever you want, I doubt if refraining from penetrative sex, while still carrying out a host of other sexual acts, is really going to cut much ice with God.

Coriolanus

I'm not sure I see the point. I come at it from a different angle perhaps than most in this forum but even I can see some benefits to abstinence for a time before marriage, all of which would seem to be largely eclipsed if you kepp up with everything but penetration.

Edit: wow that was unintelligible of me.

No sex at all: I can see the point
Just skipping penetrative: I don't see the point.

Onesimus

Congrats on your relationship with God. I'm sure you have a better relationship with him than I do at the moment.

First you need to understand why it is one refrains from sex in the first place until the marital act. Then you will realise as you study your faith further, that Oral sex is not going to cut much ice with God as PDN says.

If you are Catholic I suggest you read the catechism of the Catholic Church.

I also recommend you watch the youtube videos of Christopher west on Pope John Paul II's ''Theology of the Body'' part one to four. But first take it all in bit by bit. Read what the Catechism has to say upon sex and then listen to the more in depth talks of Christopher wests theology of the body on youtube.

I'll be back to the thread at some point as I'm busy at the moment and really did plan on being more informative and helpful.

Onesimus

Benny_Cake

I'm not sure if you're entirely serious (going by your useraname) but here goes..

I'm on the liberal end of the spectrum so I think that sex in a loving and committed relationship isn't necessarily out of place. But I don't understand why you would think that having penetrative sex with your partner is wrong, but everything else is ok?

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this to be honest. Whatever you decide, good to hear your relationship with God is growing.

MrStuffins

Quick question here, what would the Christian stand-point be on this considering she's (presuming it's a she btw ) been having sex already. Hasn't the damage been done?

much like if I was killing people for a while but then refrained from doing so until death to strengthen my bonds with the big man!?

Zombrex

MrStuffins wrote: »

Quick question here, what would the Christian stand-point be on this considering she's (presuming it's a she btw ) been having sex already. Hasn't the damage been done?

Not a Christian, but a central teaching of Christianity is that for all of us the damage has been done so to speak but that through accepting Jesus as our savior you can be forgiven.

So I don't think it would matter to a Christian at all that she had sinned, but would matter if she had repented. Continuing to purposefully sin after this would call into question how genuine the repentance is.

PDN

MrStuffins wrote: »

Quick question here, what would the Christian stand-point be on this considering she's (presuming it's a she btw ) been having sex already. Hasn't the damage been done?

much like if I was killing people for a while but then refrained from doing so until death to strengthen my bonds with the big man!?

Christianity is a faith that stresses redemption and forgiveness. I know a couple of Christians who, prior to their conversion, killed people, but then repented, came to Christ and lived for Him.

Similarly, it would be perfectly understandable if the OP repented of past behaviour and tried to genuinely follow God. But if it's a case of not acknowledging any wrongdoing in the matter of pre-marital sex, then abstaining from something really isn't going to earn any brownie points.

Babybuff

There is something to be said for celibacy in terms of the spiritual high that can be achieved by abstaining from sex, wouldn't recommend it though unless you were doing it for those reasons. (that includes an kind of intimacy with anyone)

Jesus Shaves

One of Jesus' closest friends wasn't married and had lots of sex.

Mary Magdalene

Onesimus

MrStuffins wrote: »

Quick question here, what would the Christian stand-point be on this considering she's (presuming it's a she btw ) been having sex already. Hasn't the damage been done?

much like if I was killing people for a while but then refrained from doing so until death to strengthen my bonds with the big man!?

Christians go to the sacrament of Confession to absolved of any sin and work their way towards the goal of chastity. Christ forgives every time.

Being chaste and obeying the 6th commandment for many Christians isnt easy but just because they are not able to live it out or have a weakness in that area, does not mean they should reject Gods commandment and teaching on the matter as a result.

Each Christian who is failing in chastity before marriage in the case of the op, just need to reguarly attend confession, pray, receive the Eucharist and continue to ''work'' hard at acheiving the goal of chastity.

If I am learning how to play snooker for the first time in my life, if I fail on the first day and break the snooker que in half and give up, I'll never know what it's like to be a champion for had I continued on I would have gotten better at my craft of snooker.

It's the same for those just fresh to practicing chastity.

Onesimus

PDN

darokane wrote: »

One of Jesus' closest friends wasn't married and had lots of sex.

Mary Magdalene

And your basis for saying she wasn't married and had lots of sex is what?

lmaopml

To be honest I think I'd have a chat with the boyfriend - if you are with eachother four years and have a good relationship you should be able to talk to eachother and be honest with eachother about all the things that are important to both of you. Actually, a great test of any relationship is being able to communicate with eachother and also to respect eachothers individuality too.

Chastity is difficult - I failed miserably at it with my now husband, especially these days with peer pressures etc. etc. so you won't be the first or last for sure. At the end of the day, the best advice I could possibly offer you is to talk with him about how you feel. Also, perhaps explore what chastity entails a little more too, and make sure you are honest in your approach and most of all with yourself. One way or the other, try NOT to beat yourself up over too many things, but to push onwards and continue to form that relationship with God who is always waiting and always loves you.

Benny_Cake

I'd add that I hope I didn't sound cruel when I said that I couldn't understand why you wouldn't have intercourse but would continue to have non-penetrative sexual relations. On reflection I can see that there might be reasons why you would do this - ultimately you and your partner have to decide what you are both comfortable with.

You also don't say if your are engaged, living together etc? I think that there are a lot of unmarried couples whose relationships would to all intents and purposes be marriage, and which centuries ago would have been marriage before the process was formalised. I believe that God knows what a true marriage is, and it can be different to what the world sees. There is a lot more to a committed relationship than sex - taking out the bins, paying the bills, spending the weekend doing chores which you wouldn't have to do as an uncommitted singleton, not to mention giving your partner all the love and support they need. I guess what I'm saying is, everything must be viewed through the lens of love, and I wouldn't let the question of whether or not you and your partner are having sex become a barrier in building a relationship with God.

Seaneh

darokane wrote: »

One of Jesus' closest friends wasn't married and had lots of sex.

Mary Magdalene

Where did you pull that from?

It says nothing of the sort in the Bible.

Alan 1990

Hope you have an understanding boyfriend!! I know what I would be doing if my girlfriend came home and said "no more sex until you marry me",That's just the way it sounds in your post so sorry if I picked it up wrong.
Besides it's a bit late to be 'saving' yourself for marriage considering you have already slept with him.
I'm with my girlfriend over 5 years and just not ready for marriage yet, maybe your boyfriend is different.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

gammygils

Look. If you wanna have sex just have sex. Or make love. Because life is just too bloody short. Enjoy

strobe

PDN wrote: »

To be honest, while you are free to do whatever you want, I doubt if refraining from penetrative sex, while still carrying out a host of other sexual acts, is really going to cut much ice with God.

Agreed... In for a penny, in for a pound. May as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.

Doc Farrell

Seaneh wrote: »

Where did you pull that from?

It says nothing of the sort in the Bible.

Roger Mellie's Biblicus Profanisaurus, trans from the original Greek by Rev Mellie himself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger's_Profanisaurus

MrStuffins

gammygils wrote: »

Look. If you wanna have sex just have sex. Or make love. Because life is just too bloody short. Enjoy

But, to Christians life is eternal.

Jesus Shaves

Have as much sex as you want until you get married and then repent
You will be forgiven for all your sins then.

Doc Farrell

All kidding aside, here are a couple of points.

Communication is what a relationship is all about. Without it there is no relationship, so the person you need to chat to is your fiancé.

This forum is anonymous so one would have to be nuts to place any great weight on the views expressed here. Who is to say that I'm not as crazy as the craziest person you avoided on the street today!

What is essential before you get married is that you build up your own self esteem, that you like love who you are while at the same time be modest about that great self esteem! The reason this self esteem is important is because often young people fall in love because they are searching in another what they think they lack in themselves.

Sex is important, especially if you are in your twenties, but as you get older other factors like financial stress, illness and interfering busybodies! will diminish your interest in getting giggy. However if you have built up strong communication with your fiancé and most importantly know who you are and like yourself and don't allow others to knock you because of your awareness of your own decency then you and your marriage will survive all that life throws at you. Even kids!

Watch out for crazies giving advice on the Internet!

tommy2bad

Doc Farrell
Sex is important, especially if you are in your twenties, but as you get older other factors like financial stress, illness and interfering busybodies! will diminish your interest in getting giggy.

Soo true.

What do you define as marriage? getting together with someone and making it the primary relationship? longterm commitment? or some legal contract? It sounds like its the sacrament you are talking about so set a date, talk about what it means to you and go for it. Sex is great but as Doc Farell said it happens in the context of taking out bins, dealing with bills, inlaws outlaws and cold days and nights that are too hot and runny noses and periods of celibacy. Yes even married people have dry spells. BTW one thing I learned from marriage is once married, flowers and dinner don't seduce quite as well as doing the hovering.

wolfsbane

Sexi Mama!**! wrote: »

Hi,

I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years.
We have slept together and we still are. We have a great relationship and have a very strong foundation We get on great together.

But I've been thinking, the past couple of months about refraining from sex until marriage. I have a good relationship with God and I feel it getting stronger. I feel this is the right thing to do. I really don't know how he will react to this.

When I say no sex, I would carry on with foreplay, including oral.

I still need to think about this some more and I need to talk to my boyfriend. I need my thoughts to be clear before I do that.

Has anyone ever felt like this or been in a similar situation?

Advice would be appreciated.

You have said it exactly: I need my thoughts to be clear before I do that.

This development is a BIG step in your relationship with your boyfriend, so doing it on a whim, or on a whiff of guilt, would be a bad idea.

But your motivation seems to come from your realisation that pre-marital sex is a sin, an act against God's will for us. You are correct in so thinking.

What you need to realise is that penetrative sex is not the only thing forbidden. All forms of sexual contact - foreplay and penetration - are not permitted. No fondling, direct or through clothes. No viewing even. That's ALL for marriage.

Problem: you have already engaged in these and want to stop. But like any pleasure, it is addictive. The temptation will be strong.

My best advice:
1. Cold turkey. No weaning off.

2. A firm mental and verbal resolve by you (BOTH preferably) not to engage in sex until marriage.

3. Avoid places of temptation: don't live together (if possible). Don't be anywhere where sex would be possible ( like a car at a lonely spot).

4. Get married ASAP! Don't wreck your chastity for the sake of a big reception!

You don't mention your and his spiritual profession, so I'm assuming you both are sincerely trying to please God, whether you are yet Christians in the biblical sense or not. If you are seeking for God, trying to please Him but have not yet found Him - then read His word and pray for the Spirit to reveal the Truth to you. Ask Him for grace to be holy.

That's as much as I can think of tonight. My very best wishes.

Ian

**********************************************************************
John 4:19 The woman said to Him, “Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet. 20 Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, and you Jews say that in Jerusalem is the place where one ought to worship.”

21 Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe Me, the hour is coming when you will neither on this mountain, nor in Jerusalem, worship the Father. 22 You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. 23 But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. 24 God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Alan 1990

"But your motivation seems to come from your realisation that pre-marital sex is a sin, an act against God's will for us. You are correct in so thinking"

Sex is a sin?? And against gods will for us? How do you know have you asked him??? Not saying god doesn't exist I'm a firm believer in a higher power but why would something so natural be a sin? Is it a sin for apes and other animals to mate or have they to 'save' themselves for marriage as well?!

Zombrex

Alan 1990 wrote: »

"But your motivation seems to come from your realisation that pre-marital sex is a sin, an act against God's will for us. You are correct in so thinking"

Sex is a sin?? And against gods will for us? How do you know have you asked him???

It is called the Bible, you might have heard of it. You do realize you are on the Christianity forum, right?

MrStuffins

Zombrex wrote: »

It is called the Bible, you might have heard of it. You do realize you are on the Christianity forum, right?

But is it not true that The Bible should not be taken literally? From a Christian stand-point that is?

Zombrex

MrStuffins wrote: »

But is it not true that The Bible should not be taken literally? From a Christian stand-point that is?

No, that is not true. It also doesn't really relate to what Alan 1990 said, asking Wolfbane was he in direct communication with God and that is how he knew sex outside marriage was a sin.

Plowman

This post has been deleted.

MrStuffins

Zombrex wrote: »

No, that is not true. It also doesn't really relate to what Alan 1990 said, asking Wolfbane was he in direct communication with God and that is how he knew sex outside marriage was a sin.

Well it kinda does because he asked how the poster knew and you said it was in The Bible.

This is why I asked you whather or not the Bible was to be taken literally. It is your understanding that the content of The Bible is to be taken literally....... all of it? Am I right?

Benny_Cake

Alan 1990 wrote: »

"But your motivation seems to come from your realisation that pre-marital sex is a sin, an act against God's will for us. You are correct in so thinking"

Sex is a sin?? And against gods will for us? How do you know have you asked him??? Not saying god doesn't exist I'm a firm believer in a higher power but why would something so natural be a sin? Is it a sin for apes and other animals to mate or have they to 'save' themselves for marriage as well?!

Christians wouldn't hold that sex is sinful, but many Christians would hold the view that the legitimate place for sex is within marriage. Personally, my view would be that the place for sex is in a loving and committed relationship, preferably a lifelong one - whether that is within what we currently call marriage or not wouldn't be as important to me (a couple who are living together in a loving, committed relationship and intended to do so for the rest of their lives - that is what marriage has always being, ceremony or not). I would believe that promiscuity is wrong on a number of levels. Comparing human sexuality to that of animals probably isn't going to cut much ice around here!

Plowman

This post has been deleted.

MrStuffins

Plowman wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I don't feel i'm derailing the thread. It was not me who asked the original question or who mentioned The Bible? I just asked a simple question that's all.

MrStuffins

Benny_Cake wrote: »

Christians wouldn't hold that sex is sinful, but many Christians would hold the view that the legitimate place for sex is within marriage. Personally, my view would be that the place for sex is in a loving and committed relationship, preferably a lifelong one - whether that is within what we currently call marriage or not wouldn't be as important to me (a couple who are living together in a loving, committed relationship and intended to do so for the rest of their lives - that is what marriage has always being, ceremony or not). I would believe that promiscuity is wrong on a number of levels. Comparing human sexuality to that of animals probably isn't going to cut much ice around here!

I think a lot of people would agree with you, whether they be Christian, any other religion or non-religious. And not even from a moral point of view but even from a sexual preference point of view.

Although sex before marriage is considered a sin, I would bet that if you took a poll of those who call themselves Christian and asked them had they had sex outside of the construct of marriage, the percentage of those saying yes would be pretty massive!

Alan 1990

Benny_Cake wrote: »

Alan 1990 wrote: »

Christians wouldn't hold that sex is sinful, but many Christians would hold the view that the legitimate place for sex is within marriage. Personally, my view would be that the place for sex is in a loving and committed relationship, preferably a lifelong one - whether that is within what we currently call marriage or not wouldn't be as important to me (a couple who are living together in a loving, committed relationship and intended to do so for the rest of their lives - that is what marriage has always being, ceremony or not). I would believe that promiscuity is wrong on a number of levels. Comparing human sexuality to that of animals probably isn't going to cut much ice around here!

I agree with you with that, as regards the comparing to animals I was basically suggesting that sex is a basic instinct of every creature, human or animal!

Pacifist Pigeon

Sexi Mama!**! wrote: »

When I say no sex, I would carry on with foreplay, including oral.

Since when was oral sex not sex?

psychward

Just get married (with the boyfriends consent of course) and you'll never have sex again. Problem solved :pac:

MrStuffins

Pacifist Pigeon wrote: »

Since when was oral sex not sex?

I'm guessing since this is the Christianity forum it'll be about what is considered sex in a Biblical sense?

Zombrex

MrStuffins wrote: »

Well it kinda does because he asked how the poster knew and you said it was in The Bible.

This is why I asked you whather or not the Bible was to be taken literally. It is your understanding that the content of The Bible is to be taken literally....... all of it? Am I right?

No, not all of it. Do you really not know the answers to these questions?

Zombrex

Alan 1990 wrote: »

I agree with you with that, as regards the comparing to animals I was basically suggesting that sex is a basic instinct of every creature, human or animal!

Which says nothing for its morality. Eating your young is a basic instinct of many animals.

MrStuffins

Zombrex wrote: »

No, not all of it. Do you really not know the answers to these questions?

Well Christianity is an expansive term. Some denominations feel every word of The Bible should be taken literally, others don't.

I wanted to know your answer, as you seemed to jump on the "It's called The Bible, you might've heard of it" condescending trip whilst also acknowledging that The Bible shouldn't be taken literally.

Alan 1990

Zombrex wrote: »

Alan 1990 wrote: »

I agree with you with that, as regards the comparing to animals I was basically suggesting that sex is a basic instinct of every creature, human or animal!

Which says nothing for its morality. Eating your young is a basic instinct of many animals.

There's nothing immoral with consensual sex! Not getting into the debate of animals eating young as it's way off topic.

Doc Farrell

I'd say we've scared her off by now. Mission accomplished.

Pacifist Pigeon

MrStuffins wrote: »

I'm guessing since this is the Christianity forum it'll be about what is considered sex in a Biblical sense?

So, if I was married and I received oral sex from a person other than my spouse, would I be an adulterer ... in a Biblical sense?

Alan 1990

I thought this was after hours oops. Was it moved?

MrStuffins

Pacifist Pigeon wrote: »

So, if I was married and I received oral sex from a person other than my spouse, would I be an adulterer ... in a Biblical sense?

I'm probably not the right person to answer your question PP. Anyone?

Doc Farrell

yes and most likely a very charismatic one.

FoxT

Sexi Mama!**! wrote: »

Hi,

I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years.
We have slept together and we still are. We have a great relationship and have a very strong foundation We get on great together.

But I've been thinking, the past couple of months about refraining from sex until marriage. I have a good relationship with God and I feel it getting stronger. I feel this is the right thing to do. I really don't know how he will react to this.

When I say no sex, I would carry on with foreplay, including oral.

I still need to think about this some more and I need to talk to my boyfriend. I need my thoughts to be clear before I do that.

Has anyone ever felt like this or been in a similar situation?

Advice would be appreciated.

It sounds like you are thinking deeply about your marriage & the potentially lifelong commitment involved.You are examining a number of issues - your respect for marriage, your love of ( and desire for ) your partner, and your relationship with God.

I think it is vital that you explore these thoughts with your partner. If you want to abstain from certain sexual activities until after marriage, then he needs to understand what is driving that. He may not agree with your position, but he needs to understand what is going on.

It does not matter if you are right or wrong ( I am not religious myself) - but it is vital that you lay the communication foundations now.

If he finds it is a dealbreaker, then you have had the good fortune of establishing that before marriage.

If he does not, then you may very well have succeeded in establishing an open communication path with your partner ( and vice versa) about your own sexual desires/morals/values.

Maintaining this throughout marriage is difficult, but crucial. As the years go by, many forces will come to bear that will affect both of your approaches to sex. These forces will impact on each of you at different times - for both men and women - issues like Childbirth,grief,bereavement, hormonal changes, health issues, stress, exhaustion, anxiety, differing religious beliefs, media influences,etc, can impact your sexual relationship, and if things go wrong, can lead to feelings of resentment/anger/powerlessness , that can be very difficult to resolve or overcome .

I am married for over 20 years now, and the above represents a mix of things that we did successfully, and things I wish we did - so I am not an expert but I hope you & your partner work it out for the best.

-FoxT

Zombrex

MrStuffins wrote: »

Well Christianity is an expansive term. Some denominations feel every word of The Bible should be taken literally, others don't.

I wanted to know your answer, as you seemed to jump on the "It's called The Bible, you might've heard of it" condescending trip whilst also acknowledging that The Bible shouldn't be taken literally.

I'm unaware of any Christian denomination that believes the instruction that fornication is a sin is not to be taken literally.

Also whether a Christian takes passages in the Bible literally or metaphorically is irrelevant to the question over whether Wolfsbane was personally communicating with God. Anyone with even the most basic understanding of Christianity should be well aware that Christians believe God's word is revealed to humanity through the Bible.

Zombrex

Alan 1990 wrote: »

There's nothing immoral with consensual sex!

There is if you are a Christian, pre-marital sex is a sin. Again, you are aware you are on the Christianity forum, correct?

Doc Farrell

Zombrex you may become the first atheist mod of a Christian forum!