My life is a mess - I want to be like someone from Friends!

LegacyUser

Don't really know where to start so I'll just blurt it all out...

I'm in my early thirties, virgin, no friends, living in a house share, no social life, no confidence, ill at ease with my looks (goofy teeth, no chin, receding hair, short, skinny), passive aggressive and loner.

Despite all this I have an okay job, reasonable salary and somehow a thin veneer over myself that I think has fooled most people about my situation - at least I hope it has. Because if it hasn't, they know I'm in turmoil and are ignoring it - which is worse.

I can't make friends - just can't. Tried, but can't.

I dream about moving away from Ireland, but can't. (My father is very ill, and my family kind of rely on me to help out at home). I'm not even sure what moving away would gain me as I'd still be the same person that I am here - just living in a different country.

I think I've been badly influenced by TV - I think everyone should have a social life like Friends, that girlfriends are as easy to come by and should be as beautiful as in the TV programmes. That everyone needs to look perfect. That everyone social life is like a Guinness ad.. That your dinner is not correct unless it looks like something cooked on a TV programme.

I've seen programmes from America and life seems so fantastic - sunshine, beaches, winter sports, motor sports, lots of activities and lots of people enjoying them. Look at Ireland - everyone goes down to a dingy pub, gets drunk, eats some crappy takeaway food and goes home. A successful night is not getting involved in an altercation with some other guy. Chances of meeting a girl - zero. Whereas in USA, yes there is bar life and violence, but there are so many sport and activities to pursue that don't exist here or are small cliquey clubs. Plus from my visits there, it seems that people are more open and friendly. I find Ireland to be a bunch of clannish eejits who have their own groups and at my age there are not many openings for me.

I did try one outdoor pursuit but I was put totally off by the people involved, it was so badly organised that I've been put off it for life and will not even consider trying it again (I was not given any training for this activity and hated every second of it).

I did try once to chat to a girl in a bar, she turned her back on me and ignored me. It was very humiliating. That would have been approx 10 years ago now and I’ve not spoken to a girl I don't know since. It's only as I type this that I realise its been so long and that there might be some significance to the event.

I don't know how to improve my life here in order to make me happy. I want to date girls, but I've no experience and there doesn't really seem to be the just dating culture that other cities have. The impression I get is that dating in Ireland is a means of finding someone to marry rather than having a good time with someone (take 'having a good time' to mean whatever you want, I'm not only talking about the obvious).

I've never dated anyone or had a girlfriend. I'm the only singleton at my work. When I do go out I never see anyone I really fancy. I am intimidated by girls because I've not had much exposure to them. I'm scared of being cheated on or rail-roaded into things I don't want to do because I'm so timid and meek around girls.

I've been attending counselling for about a decade now on and off. Obviously it hasn't worked! I am stuck and nothing so far has helped. I'm not even sure if I want help as although I hate where I am, I am comfortable here and know it. I want to change, but I don't like change. Even changing my daily routine upsets me at times.

Why would I not want change, yet spend time and money on counselling in order to achieve something I don't want? I think I do want change, but what I want is not realistic.

In the evening I sit in my room (like I am now, typing this out) alone watching You-tube videos, internet TV, or porn. I don't chat much to my house mates - in fact everyone sits in their rooms too!

I have such low self confidence and in my appearance that I'm considering getting braces (cost ~ £6000GBP) and am taking finasteride/propecia for my hair loss (not sure of its success, but I had a scare with my 'reproductive organs' which can be caused by propecia - yet I continue its use and accept the risk).

I overhear people talking (mostly young people at uni leaving age) talking excitedly about going to USA, Canada, England or Australia to live and work. I get jealous – really jealous. It all sounds so exciting. They know people there earning good money and having a great time. Good weather, etc. Life seems so much better in other places. Familiarity breeds contempt. The grass is greener on the other side.

My family means a lot to me and I could never leave them, but still I yearn for life in another country - like the USA. Is it a real yearning for the American way of life or is it the American dream I want? I don't know. I dream of winning the lottery too. Maybe improving my life here would put things into a better perspective. People say that girls get easily suckered in by marketing and feel burdened by the media to look and act in a certain way. Well, I feel that pressure too. I'm bringing it on myself.

I want to look like Beckham, have a beautiful wife who is pretty and demure yet dirty in the bedroom, etc. Who am I kidding? As I write this I know it is all rubbish, but it is how I feel. I am totally suckered in.

I love my family but at times I feel they are holding me back from spreading my wings. I think in my family (my parents) there is a shame associated about going abroad to work you weren't good enough to get one here. My parents have not spent more than 5 weeks away from home town in my living memory so I don't believe they appreciate the appeal of living in a foreign country. I don't even know if I want to leave. It might be that it seems like a quick and easy fix. That is the problem of living on a farm. Townies will not understand the connection with the land. I love it and hate it in equal measures. Mostly hate at the minute. There is nothing like making hay in your family's own field on a hot sunny summers day. Equally, that same field can hold you back and stifle you in so many other ways.

My parents helped me out whenever they could – to the point of where I feel sometimes that I've not been able to let go and stand on my own two feet. Maybe, it can be construed as stifling my development. I don't know. They meant well, but I feel stunted. Like a young bird not allowed to fly off the nest on the cliff face. All the other baby birds do so, open their wings and fly away, despite the dangers of the rocks below, yet I'm still in the nest.

I get stressed easily and am always worrying about something or someone. If it is not work, it is an ill family member. If not that then it is any combination of what I have written above. It is affecting my sleep. However, I'm not taking sleeping tablets and am trying to avoid them.

I'm not even sure why I've spent the best part of 1.5 hours writing this out. I know that none of you will be able to help me. So why have I done this? I don't know. There is nothing that you can say to help me. Numerous counsellors over a period of 10 years could do nothing.

Yet, every now and again, when things are down I sit in front of this computer and go through this same process and write out this almost identical post on some forum or another. It has been on here many times and it been on many other sites too. Maybe it is theraphy for me to go through this process.

Why do I do it when I don't think you will be able to make the penny drop or clear the fog? I don't know - maybe it is that nice warm feeling when you see that some else has spent a considerable amount of time to write a reply. I really appreciate it when someone replies. It makes me feel wanted when I see that. When you are in my situation and see that strangers care enough to give up some time to try and help you it does give you a lift.

I've tried so may things from fluxotine, CBT, through to God knows what and it hasn't helped. <Mod snip>

I so badly want my life to be fun, exotic, ladies, laughter and happiness. However, I also know that is fantasy. Real life is a grind. But surely it has to be better than what I've currently got?

I also know that there are people in a worse position than myself. But then I equally know that there are many many more people in a better place than myself.


I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent and articulate, so why can I not sort this problem out?

Even if you can't help, I hope it will give food for thought to someone who might be in a similar situation or who maybe doesn't even realise they are in a similar situation.

Please post this.

woodchuck

OP your post absolutely WRECKS of self pity! I think you just need to cop on and get your head out of the clouds.

Real life is nothing like TV. You have this idealised version of living in America… but even if you go over there you’ll still be YOU and if you go over with the same negative attitude nothing is ever going to change for you.

Stop obsessing over your appearance and start working on your attitude. You tried one club/sport and didn’t like it… so your answer was to give up!? You need to keep trying. Do you really think ANYTHING is going to change if you’re stuck in your bedroom watching porn and youtube every night?!

Some random girl in a bar blanked you 10 years ago? Get over it. If you really want to find a girlfriend be proactive about it. There are speed dating nights you could sign up to and plenty of dating websites out there. But you seriously need to lower your expectations. Women in real life are nothing like they are portrayed on tv or in movies (or porn!). And not all women are looking to get married. In fact I would’ve said the opposite; there are plenty of girls who are just looking for some casual fun with dating.

If you want something to change, you need to take action, not wallow in self pity!!

mikemac1

You've been spending too much time in that bedroom of yours, you have built up an entire world in your head

Passive agressivess is right, you sound very bitter at the world

I want to date girls,

Get thee to the online dating thread over in the Gentlemans club forum for a read and sign up to sites
However.....while it's good to dive in and try things you are nowhere near ready for meeting girls. This attitude in your post would drive anyone away.
Why do you expect anyone to like you when you don't even like yourself?

It's not your looks that are the issue, it's your attitude

Look at Ireland - everyone goes down to a dingy pub, gets drunk, eats some crappy takeaway food and goes home. A successful night is not getting involved in an altercation with some other guy. Chances of meeting a girl - zero. Whereas

The impression I get is that dating in Ireland is a means of finding someone to marry rather than having a good time with someone

For a lad who never had a girlfriend and very little life experience you seem quite ready to put a label on Irish people
Give up the generalizations

I did try one outdoor pursuit but I was put totally off by the people involved, it was so badly organised that I've been put off it for life and will not even consider trying it again (I was not given any training for this activity and hated every second of it).

So you just gave up for life?
Well unless this was rock climbing or some dangerous activity needing training then why haven't you tried again.
When you were learning to drive did you give up after feeling nervous or did you get stuck in and keep going?
It's up to you OP, take action if you want it as nobody can do it for you

and am taking finasteride/propecia for my hair loss (not sure of its success, but I had a scare with my 'reproductive organs' which can be caused by propecia - yet I continue its use and accept the risk).

I don't know anything about propecia but it's sounds to be a pretty reckless thing you are doing here. Go get professional advice on that

I am comfortable here and know it. I want to change, but I don't like change. Even changing my daily routine upsets me at times.

OP, it's not true that you don't know how to change your life, you know exactly what to do.
Just you're doing nothing about it and you're angry with the world

Sit down, make a list and get cracking. Taking action is hard, it can be scary meeting new people, it's tough work to start an exercise plan and it's always a challenge to start something

Get out of your bedroom and start working on what you want or soon you'll be forty and in the same situation as now

LegacyUser

"that girlfriends are as easy to come by and should be as beautiful as in the TV programmes"

"I want to look like Beckham, have a beautiful wife who is pretty and demure yet dirty in the bedroom, etc"

OP, maybe you would have better success with women if you stopped viewing them solely in terms of sex appeal and more for their humanity. You say you have had a lack of "exposure" to them, well this doesn't make sense to me - women are not aliens, not strange exotic creatures which you need to adapt to. They are real people with jobs, careers, problems and feelings, just like men. Not perfect specimins who exist solely to look nice for you.

Basically, your intentionality towards women needs to change. Focus on making friends and such.

As for your insecurity about your looks, well it's no wonder that you lack self-esteem. You are so focused on women's appearance that perhaps you assume they have a similar attitude to you. Here's a tip: no matter what you look like, you'll find that people who are relaxed and confident in themselves exude a natural glow which makes them much more attractive than people who obsess about their appearance. You can just sense it, somehow it shows on the outside and it's a very unattractive quality.

pickarooney

Do people still have pen-friends? I'm sure there must still be people interested in writing and receiving letters. Try it out -you can take your time, say what you want and not feel the pressure of social occasions or being judged on your looks. It would do you good to actually get to know someone in some context.

Starokan

Your stuck in a rut and the only thing that will get you out of it is to come up with some goals , focus on those goals and do everything you can to make them happen.

The one great thing you have going for you is that you have a job and therefore money begin planning with. Purely based on your post I will make some suggestions

So for personal appearance:

if you are not happy with your teeth then by all means get braces, if that will give you more confidence go for it. Get out of your room and your house more, I would urge you to join a gym and if you can afford a personal trainer for 6 months get one. This will build up your frame , keep you healthy & overall is guaranteed to give you a better outlook on life. A healthy body does equate to a healthy mind. It also has the advantage of getting you into more social situations even if it is just mundane conversation.

If you do not like your facial appearance you can try growing a beard, next time you are buying clothes ask the shop assistants what they think, its their job they wont laugh at you , they will help you choose the best outfits to flatter your frame.


Next Self esteem.

You must work on this, how you think of yourself comes across to family/work colleagues/potential friends or partners. If you do not learn to love yourself it is very hard to expect others to do so. Your post reeks of negativity but there are some gems in there too. Your loyalty and devotion to your family is highly commendable and you should be proud of it. Build on that, there are countless self help books available in any bookshop, buy some read them until you find one that resonates with you and practice whats in it. Your self esteem is hugely influenced by your personal appearance so again please consider what i wrote above.


Finding a partner

It is rare that anyone just falls into a relationship , someone has to make the first move and that is usually (not always ) the bloke. Yes I understand the humiliation that you felt, its awful and I sympathise but you cannot let one incident stop you. Most people have hundred rejection stories, its part and parcel of life. The key is not to take them personally, that girl you approached could have turned her back for a million different reasons. She may have been drunk, with a boyfriend, in a bad mood or simply plain ignorant. You however choose to assume that it was because of you, that your ugly etc etc, well im sorry but you simply cannot know why she did it because you never even spoke with her.

Not everyone is equipped to meet people in clubs, most people cant, so use other outlets, you need to take the bull by the horns and if you meet someone in work you like, ask them out. Yes its hard, but even if they say no you have lost nothing. I'm sure any girl who posts here will tell you they love being asked out. Even if the girl says no, which may be for any amount of reasons she will not think badly of someone who found her that attractive.

So set yourself some goals. Write down a date by which you will have achieved the above or similar goals. When you are happier with your appearance etc then set yourself a goal to have asked someone out by a certain time.

The one thing you need for all this is discipline and focus, right now you are just wasting countless hours thinking about the ideal life instead of acting to achieve it. You are lucky in that you have the means to do so, Im not belittling your feelings in any way by saying that its just reality.

Good luck with everything, i hope your life takes an upturn soon.

gud4u

All the above advice stands to reason, take it, but just to put things into perspective which one of these ''friends'' characters are perfect or would you want to be,

Joey...washed up actor, thick as two planks, good looking, a male slut and never got a girl friend in all the years it was running.

Ross...married a lesbian, had a child, accidently married rachel, divorced again to marry again..roll on another divorce..dated a student, had a breakdown..lost his job, lost the love of his life..probably got married and divorced again..

Chandler...His mothers a drag queen, he's socially inept, replis to everything with sarcasm to to hide the hurt of his traumaic upbringing, finally marries the woman of his dreams but loses his job, moves hours away for another job, faces infertility, and has to adopt.

Rachel..Runs out on her husband to be on her wedding day, becomes a waitress, has to learn to stand on her own two feet, finds and loses the love of her life, gets pregnant and faces life as a single mother, lands a great job but has to move to england.

Monica...OCD overload, recovered binge eater, endures a mother that claerly prefers her brother, gets jobs, loses jobs, has to let go of her soul mate as they want different things in life, gets married, faces infertility and has to adopt.

Phoebe..a total looney tune, who's mother commited suicide, she grew up on the street in a box with some nutter. Plays weird music in a cafe and masages people for a living. Has a phychotic twin sister who sets her up to look like a pornstar and steals her boyfriends..

Obviously I'm a fan of the show, but when you look at their lives, it's tv making a comedy of their misfortunes as humans.

Now you can sit in your room and make a really bad episode of your life and scrutinise how bad it is with what sounds to me like deep rooted depression and immaturity(I had to tackle this in myself too) or you can have a more light hearted approach to your life and give yourself another chance to attempt all of the things you have struck off just because of one comment.

Have you considered your body language might give off less than welcoming vibes. Sometimes just being very nervous can put others off, it's not that they don't like you, they mightn't know what to say, especially if you don't have the confidence to keep a conversation going.

I am trying out a new sport this weekend, it might be sh*te, but then again it might be great, either way, I'II be proud of myself for trying. I'm dreading going, but no one knows that but me...and you..

If your job pays reasonably well, get your teeth fixed, I would if I could and get my eyes lasered, but it's be for me and not to attract a mate. I think it's be a great idea to join a gym and get some fashion advice as said above.

On the note of what you're putting on your hair, if it's affecting your reproductive organs and that's a risk you're willing to take, it's not very fair on a potential partner who may want kids, and perhaps you'd even like a rugrat yourself someday. However, at present you sound to obssessed with yourself to think of that. For what it's worth, some women, me persoanlly, would rater date a bald guy than one who tries to hide the the loss with potions and lotions, I know they don't come cheap.

You sound 'country' what about joining Macra. It's hard when a family member is sick, can others offer help if it's being left to you too much.

Do something, do anything, but DO IT NOW, as you sound like your on your way to being a strange man who just watches tv and porn and laments about what could have been.

It's not easy but I dragged myself out of a similar cave this year.

Good luck

saa

wanting to be someone else will only lead to unhappiness, all those things you think will make you happy won't unless you do the things that anyone with a balanced life (not the ideal life) can do.

Finding better people/any people to be around in your life doesn't make things better until you can tackle the self confidence by accepting yourself, using relaxtion techniques, balanced routine and improve yourself by taking action not wishing and people will be attracted to you, but if you have high standards of the type of person you want to attract they will never fulfill a fantasy in reality.

Don't live your life always looking forward to something that never happens, how do you change, counselling, self help books, new activities, budget, goals (realistic) etc.

beks101

OP, time to get real. It's not about talking about your problems anymore, it's not even about talking about what you need to do to change, it's about actually DOING IT. You've indulged these thoughts for more than a decade and where has that got you? Before you know it you'll be 40 and posting here again, doubly bitter and angry at the world because your own self-defeating thought process and world view will have further shut you off from opportunities that most people get to enjoy.

I feel for you, but you need to cop yourself on. You're obviously intelligent and acutely self-aware - but what are you doing to challenge these simple, one-dimensional negative thoughts you have about how your life should be and how the world is? It's not Ireland's fault that your miserable. It's not the media's fault that your miserable. It's not that girl in the bar's fault, it's not your counsellors' fault, it's not your family's fault, it's not your parent's fault for raising you in the best way they knew. What's the common denominator here OP? Playing the victim is a dangerous game and THAT is what is stunting your development, not some perceived evil or ignorant force outside of you that is impacting on the way you think.

Take some responsibility here. Own your thoughts and actions, no-one forced them upon you and equally no-one can change them except you.

You'll get an initial rush of adrenalin on reading all the replies to your post, and then what? Back to the youtube videos and porn in your bedroom, back to the TV shows that make you feel like sh1t about yourself and an exact replicate of your post in this forum with some new people/forces to blame in five years' time?

Get a grip OP. NO-ONE can fix this for you, not your parents, not a girlfriend, not some shiny new teeth, not a sexual awakening, not a brand new life abroad, nothing except YOU can create a better life for yourself.

I don't even think all the well-meaning advice here on how to get a plan together will help because you know all this already and have heard it a million times before. You're probably reading and nodding along, maybe taking notes, then retreating back to your room and back into your own little comfortable bubble of misery. Maybe you even make some half attempt at action, only to get frustrated when you're not greeted by instant gratification and quitting at the first hurdle, just like that 'outdoor pursuit' that went so well for you.

Don't you see how perfectionism is working for you here? It's a handy little number - expect the world to be perfect and then give up and blame everyone when it doesn't measure up. Expect to look like David Beckham and then sit and dwell in your self-pity when you realise it's not genetically or physically possible. Expect 'sunshine, beaches, winter sports', then sit in your room and blame Ireland when it doesn't measure up. Expect a beautiful girlfriend who's 'demure but dirty', then face rejection (like everyone else in the world experiences at some stage) and blame women/Irish culture/that girl in the bar for failing you. Expecting this picture perfect world is yet another tool you use to justify your lack of action. If I had the same catalogue of unrealistic expectations I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

Cop yourself on OP. No-one is ever going to take the time to get to know you and love you if you hide yourself away in your room, hating the world. You're not bothering with yourself, why should anyone else bother?

You know what you have to do. You've known for nigh on a decade, but knowing has got you nowhere. Take action. It's your life. The decision is up to you and you only.

Private Piles

I've messed up my life wrote: »

I did try one outdoor pursuit but I was put totally off by the people involved, it was so badly organised that I've been put off it for life and will not even consider trying it again (I was not given any training for this activity and hated every second of it).

I did try once to chat to a girl in a bar, she turned her back on me and ignored me. It was very humiliating. That would have been approx 10 years ago now and I’ve not spoken to a girl I don't know since. It's only as I type this that I realise its been so long and that there might be some significance to the event.

In the evening I sit in my room (like I am now, typing this out) alone watching You-tube videos, internet TV, or porn. houI don't chat much to my house mates - in fact everyone sits in their rooms too!

You're your own worst enemy, you won't even consider trying something again.
I think you are possibly over analyzing the event with that girl ignoring you and using that as an excuse.

You have ready-made friends living in your house and you just go to your room?

gud4u

beks101 wrote: »

OP, time to get real. It's not about talking about your problems anymore, it's not even about talking about what you need to do to change, it's about actually DOING IT. You've indulged these thoughts for more than a decade and where has that got you? Before you know it you'll be 40 and posting here again, doubly bitter and angry at the world because your own self-defeating thought process and world view will have further shut you off from opportunities that most people get to enjoy.

I feel for you, but you need to cop yourself on. You're obviously intelligent and acutely self-aware - but what are you doing to challenge these simple, one-dimensional negative thoughts you have about how your life should be and how the world is? It's not Ireland's fault that your miserable. It's not the media's fault that your miserable. It's not that girl in the bar's fault, it's not your counsellors' fault, it's not your family's fault, it's not your parent's fault for raising you in the best way they knew. What's the common denominator here OP? Playing the victim is a dangerous game and THAT is what is stunting your development, not some perceived evil or ignorant force outside of you that is impacting on the way you think.

Take some responsibility here. Own your thoughts and actions, no-one forced them upon you and equally no-one can change them except you.

You'll get an initial rush of adrenalin on reading all the replies to your post, and then what? Back to the youtube videos and porn in your bedroom, back to the TV shows that make you feel like sh1t about yourself and an exact replicate of your post in this forum with some new people/forces to blame in five years' time?

Get a grip OP. NO-ONE can fix this for you, not your parents, not a girlfriend, not some shiny new teeth, not a sexual awakening, not a brand new life abroad, nothing except YOU can create a better life for yourself.

I don't even think all the well-meaning advice here on how to get a plan together will help because you know all this already and have heard it a million times before. You're probably reading and nodding along, maybe taking notes, then retreating back to your room and back into your own little comfortable bubble of misery. Maybe you even make some half attempt at action, only to get frustrated when you're not greeted by instant gratification and quitting at the first hurdle, just like that 'outdoor pursuit' that went so well for you.

Don't you see how perfectionism is working for you here? It's a handy little number - expect the world to be perfect and then give up and blame everyone when it doesn't measure up. Expect to look like David Beckham and then sit and dwell in your self-pity when you realise it's not genetically or physically possible. Expect 'sunshine, beaches, winter sports', then sit in your room and blame Ireland when it doesn't measure up. Expect a beautiful girlfriend who's 'demure but dirty', then face rejection (like everyone else in the world experiences at some stage) and blame women/Irish culture/that girl in the bar for failing you. Expecting this picture perfect world is yet another tool you use to justify your lack of action. If I had the same catalogue of unrealistic expectations I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

Cop yourself on OP. No-one is ever going to take the time to get to know you and love you if you hide yourself away in your room, hating the world. You're not bothering with yourself, why should anyone else bother?

You know what you have to do. You've known for nigh on a decade, but knowing has got you nowhere. Take action. It's your life. The decision is up to you and you only.

It's a similar post to yours OP(minus the bedroom prison) that got me a response like this.....It was the correct amount of ass kicking I needed. I had been everywhere and a counsellor even told me I could ''talk the talk, but needed to walk the walk''......Just do it, man;)

prinz

Wake up, cop on, move houseshare, make an effort with the new housemates, take up a sport, join the gym, take up a hobby, get off your backside, work on your appearance, learn a new language, stop day-dreaming your life away, get some fresh air, cut down on TV/Internet, socialise more...

You're not the first person to get into the kind of rut you are describing and you won't be the last, but the only one going to get you out of it is you. You are living a Walter Mitty existence.

And seriously stop the porn especially, but the reliance of living vicariously through youtube, TV and films etc. It's not helping your opinion of women one little bit (she should be demure but dirty in the bedroom?..... AKA she should pander to your every wish and be as easy as a mouseclick to control).

fits

OP, I read your post earlier and found it really sad and shocking. But there is hope. You know you cant stay like this forever, you know you only have one life. Thats why you posted here.

It seems like you have given up on women (people) and hobbies far too easily. My advice to you would be to forget about relationships for now. Start to try out a few different things you think you might be interested in. Feel it out. If you dont like a club or event, then dont go again. Try something different next time.

The more you do this the more likely it is you will find something you enjoy and people you can get on with. Then you can work on making friends of either sex. But seriously, forget about relationships now until your life is a bit more in balance.

BTW I can tell you I live in a rural area and I am NEVER bored, and I dont go out drinking in pubs and eating take aways much either.

neuro-praxis

Happiness in life is fundamentally based on relationships.

The first relationship you need to work on is the one with yourself.

When you like who you see in the mirror, you can begin to focus on finding a few friends.

When you are happy with yourself and have a few people you can call friends, you can begin to think about finding a partner.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Fight the negativity. It's not too late to be happy.

dellas1979

Everyone on this planet face negativities in our lives. And it is easier to wallow in self pity (it actually is, it really is, its very easy to sit there and complain) than doing something about it for yourself.

Sometimes people need help facing the negativities. But no one, including councellors, has any answers for you, no more than the rest of us. If they had all the answers, shur we'd all be going to them. Councellors are there to try and learn you how to cope, how to deal with things. If you are resistant to it, for what ever reason, then nothing will change.

We were all born with free will. To choose to do things or not. Sometimes we make the right decisions, sometimes we dont. But you should at least try and use this free will gift that was given to you and is yours and only yours.

Noone can change your circumstances except for yourself. And I think you can read this and say it aloud and do what ever with it, but you dont believe it. When you start believing in yourself, and that you want to change, instead of moaning about it, then you might start to get some where. If you dont really believe it, as youve already noted, you will revert back to your old ways.

boobar

I've messed up my life wrote: »

Don't really know where to start so I'll just blurt it all out...

I'm in my early thirties, virgin, no friends, living in a house share, no social life, no confidence, ill at ease with my looks (goofy teeth, no chin, receding hair, short, skinny), passive aggressive and loner.

Despite all this I have an okay job, reasonable salary and somehow a thin veneer over myself that I think has fooled most people about my situation - at least I hope it has. Because if it hasn't, they know I'm in turmoil and are ignoring it - which is worse.

I can't make friends - just can't. Tried, but can't.

I dream about moving away from Ireland, but can't. (My father is very ill, and my family kind of rely on me to help out at home). I'm not even sure what moving away would gain me as I'd still be the same person that I am here - just living in a different country.

I think I've been badly influenced by TV - I think everyone should have a social life like Friends, that girlfriends are as easy to come by and should be as beautiful as in the TV programmes. That everyone needs to look perfect. That everyone social life is like a Guinness ad.. That your dinner is not correct unless it looks like something cooked on a TV programme.

I've seen programmes from America and life seems so fantastic - sunshine, beaches, winter sports, motor sports, lots of activities and lots of people enjoying them. Look at Ireland - everyone goes down to a dingy pub, gets drunk, eats some crappy takeaway food and goes home. A successful night is not getting involved in an altercation with some other guy. Chances of meeting a girl - zero. Whereas in USA, yes there is bar life and violence, but there are so many sport and activities to pursue that don't exist here or are small cliquey clubs. Plus from my visits there, it seems that people are more open and friendly. I find Ireland to be a bunch of clannish eejits who have their own groups and at my age there are not many openings for me.

I did try one outdoor pursuit but I was put totally off by the people involved, it was so badly organised that I've been put off it for life and will not even consider trying it again (I was not given any training for this activity and hated every second of it).

I did try once to chat to a girl in a bar, she turned her back on me and ignored me. It was very humiliating. That would have been approx 10 years ago now and I’ve not spoken to a girl I don't know since. It's only as I type this that I realise its been so long and that there might be some significance to the event.

I don't know how to improve my life here in order to make me happy. I want to date girls, but I've no experience and there doesn't really seem to be the just dating culture that other cities have. The impression I get is that dating in Ireland is a means of finding someone to marry rather than having a good time with someone (take 'having a good time' to mean whatever you want, I'm not only talking about the obvious).

I've never dated anyone or had a girlfriend. I'm the only singleton at my work. When I do go out I never see anyone I really fancy. I am intimidated by girls because I've not had much exposure to them. I'm scared of being cheated on or rail-roaded into things I don't want to do because I'm so timid and meek around girls.

I've been attending counselling for about a decade now on and off. Obviously it hasn't worked! I am stuck and nothing so far has helped. I'm not even sure if I want help as although I hate where I am, I am comfortable here and know it. I want to change, but I don't like change. Even changing my daily routine upsets me at times.

Why would I not want change, yet spend time and money on counselling in order to achieve something I don't want? I think I do want change, but what I want is not realistic.

In the evening I sit in my room (like I am now, typing this out) alone watching You-tube videos, internet TV, or porn. I don't chat much to my house mates - in fact everyone sits in their rooms too!

I have such low self confidence and in my appearance that I'm considering getting braces (cost ~ £6000GBP) and am taking finasteride/propecia for my hair loss (not sure of its success, but I had a scare with my 'reproductive organs' which can be caused by propecia - yet I continue its use and accept the risk).

I overhear people talking (mostly young people at uni leaving age) talking excitedly about going to USA, Canada, England or Australia to live and work. I get jealous – really jealous. It all sounds so exciting. They know people there earning good money and having a great time. Good weather, etc. Life seems so much better in other places. Familiarity breeds contempt. The grass is greener on the other side.

My family means a lot to me and I could never leave them, but still I yearn for life in another country - like the USA. Is it a real yearning for the American way of life or is it the American dream I want? I don't know. I dream of winning the lottery too. Maybe improving my life here would put things into a better perspective. People say that girls get easily suckered in by marketing and feel burdened by the media to look and act in a certain way. Well, I feel that pressure too. I'm bringing it on myself.

I want to look like Beckham, have a beautiful wife who is pretty and demure yet dirty in the bedroom, etc. Who am I kidding? As I write this I know it is all rubbish, but it is how I feel. I am totally suckered in.

I love my family but at times I feel they are holding me back from spreading my wings. I think in my family (my parents) there is a shame associated about going abroad to work you weren't good enough to get one here. My parents have not spent more than 5 weeks away from home town in my living memory so I don't believe they appreciate the appeal of living in a foreign country. I don't even know if I want to leave. It might be that it seems like a quick and easy fix. That is the problem of living on a farm. Townies will not understand the connection with the land. I love it and hate it in equal measures. Mostly hate at the minute. There is nothing like making hay in your family's own field on a hot sunny summers day. Equally, that same field can hold you back and stifle you in so many other ways.

My parents helped me out whenever they could – to the point of where I feel sometimes that I've not been able to let go and stand on my own two feet. Maybe, it can be construed as stifling my development. I don't know. They meant well, but I feel stunted. Like a young bird not allowed to fly off the nest on the cliff face. All the other baby birds do so, open their wings and fly away, despite the dangers of the rocks below, yet I'm still in the nest.

I get stressed easily and am always worrying about something or someone. If it is not work, it is an ill family member. If not that then it is any combination of what I have written above. It is affecting my sleep. However, I'm not taking sleeping tablets and am trying to avoid them.

I'm not even sure why I've spent the best part of 1.5 hours writing this out. I know that none of you will be able to help me. So why have I done this? I don't know. There is nothing that you can say to help me. Numerous counsellors over a period of 10 years could do nothing.

Yet, every now and again, when things are down I sit in front of this computer and go through this same process and write out this almost identical post on some forum or another. It has been on here many times and it been on many other sites too. Maybe it is theraphy for me to go through this process.

Why do I do it when I don't think you will be able to make the penny drop or clear the fog? I don't know - maybe it is that nice warm feeling when you see that some else has spent a considerable amount of time to write a reply. I really appreciate it when someone replies. It makes me feel wanted when I see that. When you are in my situation and see that strangers care enough to give up some time to try and help you it does give you a lift.

I've tried so may things from fluxotine, CBT, through to God knows what and it hasn't helped. <Mod snip>

I so badly want my life to be fun, exotic, ladies, laughter and happiness. However, I also know that is fantasy. Real life is a grind. But surely it has to be better than what I've currently got?

I also know that there are people in a worse position than myself. But then I equally know that there are many many more people in a better place than myself.


I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent and articulate, so why can I not sort this problem out?

Even if you can't help, I hope it will give food for thought to someone who might be in a similar situation or who maybe doesn't even realise they are in a similar situation.

Please post this.

You haven't messed up your life. You're a virgin, it's no biggie. In your thirties, you have a lot of life ahead of you.

Look on the positives, you have a good job, you are articulate and you obviously know you want to get more out of life. Plus you have family that you love and who love you.

Now, forget the looks thing, most people have hang ups about looks in some way. Make the most of what you have, dress well and put the best side out.

Don't give up on things like clubs and sports even if they are badly organised.

Get out of the room, get off the internet, and make an effort to meet people. Don't focus on meeting girls. You must have some interests outside of work, focus on those. Even try helping out with a charity or taking on a course (for fun).

I know some people will read this and go here's the old join a club thing but it does work. If you like squash join a squash club, if you like photography like that club. Just do it.

Online dating - to heck with it, just go for it.

And as for the Friends thing, even the actors in Friends would love that life. It's not real, so come on, get real, get out of the room.

Best of luck to you OP.

dellas1979

And you know what, just to show the medicine is for/applies to all people, following on from my earlier post, there was something I wanted to do but thought i didnt have the bottle to do. Well, I just did it. The result whether for the good or for the bad, or whatever, I know that at least I tried.

Fea.

OP, its never too late for change. At one point or another, many people have been in your shoes. Most wish and dream for that miracle change, but unfortunately, nobody will drop into your life and do it for you. Your the only one can make the changes needed for you and your life.

Its scary, yes, but it also fills you with a wonderful sense of self achievement that can quickly become addictive and before you know it, you will have changed all the things about your life that you don't like.

Go for it !!! and best of luck xxx

miec

Hi Op

I would strongly suggest you read 'Letters of a love hungry farmer" by John B Keane and 'The Great Hunger' by Patrick Kavanagh, I mention these two texts because the main characters are virgin men who never find love and their lives are wasted but also they have a powerful attachment to the land. If you read them and I hope you will, the end of their lives will I hope act as catalyst for change for you. You say you want change but you fear it, at the moment your fear is far greater than your need to change. It sounded to me that you get an almost perverse form of pleasure from your misery, I know cos I can be like that myself. Life is a massive risk and you have to be open to it I(which also means getting egg on your face, being rejection, being annoyed, but equally being open to the good stuff too). Another poster gave a fanastic reality check on friends and I think that is worth considering.

gud4u

hey op,
I hope you have considered all the advice. I'd like to add that for about 2 years in my 20s, every morning when I woke, the first words in my head were,' life has no meaning anymore, I wish I was dead,' now i'm grand, my first thoughts are, can't wait to get out with the dogs to the beach.....all I mean is, things can turn around, but you have to move them, and yes it is hard, but so worth it.

LegacyUser

Oh come on OP this is all your own fault.

You get rejected by ONE girl and then give up for 10 years?

You try ONE activity and then dont do anymore because you didnt like it?

If you want to look good its easy, get braces, go to sunbeds, go to the gym and see a stylist.

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become. Its tough work, but definitely worth it.

Like I said, its all down to you. Stop being a loser and be PROACTIVE.

LegacyUser

I have tried. I try at the gym I got to 4-5 times per week. Nothing returned. Just a few people who say hello and small talk about how busy it is.

I was made fun of at school due to how I looked and certain other things. These things have had a large effect on me. My so-called friends sniggered at my record with girls. It has got me down.

It's easy to sit on a computer and write a reply telling me to kop on or similar. It's a lot more difficult for me than any of you could ever know.

Do you not think I know that in my 30's this is probably the last chance I have to reclaim a 'normal' life before I become a bitter old lonely man? Do you think I don't know that?

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become.

You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.

gud4u

stopbeingloser wrote: »

Oh come on OP this is all your own fault.

You get rejected by ONE girl and then give up for 10 years?

You try ONE activity and then dont do anymore because you didnt like it?

If you want to look good its easy, get braces, go to sunbeds, go to the gym and see a stylist.

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become. Its tough work, but definitely worth it.

Like I said, its all down to you. Stop being a loser and be PROACTIVE.

He has a point, I hope you can turn it around, I went to a new sports club lsat nite, I was so nervous, but they were great. Heading out again tonight with another exercise group and back on Friday to the same club as last night. Self confidence is a muscle, use it or lose it, Start small and build up.

ihsb

OP_here_again wrote: »

You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.

He gave advice trying to tell you how much hard work being social is. And that if you put the time and energy into it it does pay off. He was not being full of himself. He was telling you that his life did not fall into his lap. He had to work at it just like you are going to have to.

OP people are trying to help. We know it is difficult. You just have to look at other PI threads and bits about depression to realise that there are people out there working through lots of issues. Some are worse then yours. But they still try.

Your attitude needs to change. No one is against you. Life is not easy for everyone else, it has not fallen in to their lap. It is a hard one. For everyone at some point in their life. Anyone that meets you in the gym or anyone else that doesn't talk to you. They don't know what you are going through. They don't know that you are different to any other person so they talk to you the same way as they would anyone else. In passing.

Change your attitude. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And for the sake of any future partners stop watching the porn! It is obviously screwing with your view of women.

woodchuck

OP_here_again wrote: »

I have tried. I try at the gym I got to 4-5 times per week. Nothing returned. Just a few people who say hello and small talk about how busy it is.

The gym isn’t the place to make friends. People tend to go there to work out on their own. The way to meet people is to get involved in activities, clubs or classes.

I was made fun of at school due to how I looked and certain other things. These things have had a large effect on me.

Almost everyone has been made fun of in school for one reason or another, myself included. At over 30 years of age you really REALLY need to put that stuff behind you.

It's easy to sit on a computer and write a reply telling me to kop on or similar. It's a lot more difficult for me than any of you could ever know.

There you go with the ‘woe is me’ attitude again. Of course it’s easy for us to tell you to cop on. I know how hard it to do though, I’ve been there. I bet a lot the other people replying have been there too. It’s HARD. Nobody is denying that. But you really have to drop the attitude and put in the work.

Do you not think I know that in my 30's this is probably the last chance I have to reclaim a 'normal' life before I become a bitter old lonely man?

Wrong. It’s never too late to get your life sorted out. Stop with the negativity.

You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.

Maybe you should go back to your first counselor. From the sounds of your posts your current counselor has just been molly coddling you and reinforcing the way you seem to see yourself as a victim in all this. You need some tough love and to be proactive. The time for molly coddling is over.

gud4u

Life IS Hard

It's one of the first things I realised before getting myself together.

You will get very honest, unsweetened advice here, it is one of the things I like about it, I also had 4 counsellors, so I wouldn't give up on that either.

Like you. I also had abuse from peers growing up and it took a long time for me to realise I actually wasn't the freak I thought I was.

When things are bad I follow a 4 step plan my husband came up with...

1. Drink some water.

2. Go for a walk.

3. Get a haircut.

4. Get a well placed but meaningful kick up the ass from someone, preferably someone constructive.

While each thing might seem silly, when you consider and do them they work.

As long as you're sitting thinking, you cannot move, forward, backwards, sideways.

Can I suggest you move house share, just for the sake of moving in some direction.


Just adding to above post, I actually tend to avoid people at the gym, I'm usually plugged into my ipod, pummeling a threadmill and if I was single, I wouldn't want to be chatting to a fella and I all redfaced and manic looking.
That said, I met my husband in a swimming pool!

Penny Dreadful

stopbeingloser wrote: »

Oh come on OP this is all your own fault.

You get rejected by ONE girl and then give up for 10 years?

You try ONE activity and then dont do anymore because you didnt like it?

If you want to look good its easy, get braces, go to sunbeds, go to the gym and see a stylist.

Life is what you make it. Me personally? I chat to literally every girl I fancy, I run 9km a day and lift weights 5 days a week, I go to sunbeds to keep my tan glowing and I invest in good clothes. I watch soccer even though I hate it so I can befriend other males easier and have built up an impressive social circle and have been with some beautiful women. The more I engage in social activity, the better I am with women and the more successful I have become. Its tough work, but definitely worth it.

Like I said, its all down to you. Stop being a loser and be PROACTIVE.

Sunbeds are a bad bad bad bad idea. They are strongly linked to causing skin cancer. The tan you get from them looks awful too. There is nothing wrong with not having tanned skin.

LegacyUser

Look, I've tried loads of things:

Numerous night classes from cooking to foreign language and computing.
Watersports.
Group holidays.
Volunteering.
When I am out I chat to everyone and anyone who is in the group. I really don't think any of my friends know the position I am in. There may be some suspicions, but I don't believe anyone know exactly what is happening.


My work hours vary, so comitting to classes or anything on a regular basis can be difficult for me.

I like going to the gym. It is something I enjoy, it gets me out of the house and keeps me active. However as has been pointed out, not a great way to meet people.

I like movies, but have no interest in sitting around afterwards pontificating about the merits of it. When I go to the cinema, I just watch the movie and go home.

Weekends - I'm not going to go to a pub on my own. Whilst some would see it as brave and getting out there, I see it as a slippery slope for me. I also have to help on our farm which is isolated and my friends are not there to go out with.

I can't get away from the farm. I need to help my father - he is ill and can't work it himself.

I've been in this city now for approx 15 yrs and I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. Because I am not here at weekends I don't get a true chance to socialise or go to clubs etc. Evenings are sometimes not possible as I can work to 7-8pm and then go home -> getting dinner around 9pm.

As for the dig about my counsellor moddlycuddling me - not happening. I've not seen a counsellor for over 1yr now and have no intention of going back. As you can see it didn't work for me. Talking about the past continually did not help me fix the future.

ihsb

You have a lot of excuses here OP. I think every suggestion has got an excuse in your head.

woodchuck

OP you’re starting to contradict yourself. In your original post you said you have no friends, but in your last post you refereed to friends of yours twice. Do you have friends or not? Do you not consider the friends you have true friends and if so why not?

In your original post you said you’d only tried one activity, but in your last post you’ve listed off a ream of things you’ve tried. Have you not gotten to know some people from these places that you could spend more time with? Are these the friends you’re referring to in your last post?

OP_here_again wrote: »

Talking about the past continually did not help me fix the future.

This is first sensible thing you’ve said, but I don’t think you’re listening to your own advice. From your posts you still seem fixated on events from the past and using them as excuses for the way you are today. Leave the past in the past.

OP_here_again wrote: »

Weekends - I'm not going to go to a pub on my own. Whilst some would see it as brave and getting out there, I see it as a slippery slope for me. I also have to help on our farm which is isolated and my friends are not there to go out with.

I can't get away from the farm. I need to help my father - he is ill and can't work it himself.

How does he manage the rest of the week when you’re working a full time job in another city? I’m assuming he has people working for him then, so why does he also need you to help him out? Surely you could come to a better arrangement with him. Even for example that you help out on a Sunday, but you have your Saturday to yourself so that you can socialise etc.

TheBegotten

Look OP I can summarise the solution in 5 words: "Fe*k it shure, It's grand!" Imagine your life if, everytime you felt down, you mentally said this and packed your self conciousness on a mental holiday. I understand alcohol has a similar effect, although its messier. Just plow in regardless and enjoy the burst of adrenline when people laugh with you and start making space for you in your head. And appearance trend to matter less after 25 or so, don't worry about that. But please drop the American idea that other people can change you. That has to be done by yourself, not a counseller (think about it- they get paid per session).
Also, do you think you will inherit the farm? If not, then you'll just have to arrange for your da to hire someone. Its unfair to keep you from your life. The key word is action.

anon cable

OP_here_again wrote: »

I have tried. I try at the gym I got to 4-5 times per week. Nothing returned. Just a few people who say hello and small talk about how busy it is.

I was made fun of at school due to how I looked and certain other things. These things have had a large effect on me. My so-called friends sniggered at my record with girls. It has got me down.

It's easy to sit on a computer and write a reply telling me to kop on or similar. It's a lot more difficult for me than any of you could ever know.

Do you not think I know that in my 30's this is probably the last chance I have to reclaim a 'normal' life before I become a bitter old lonely man? Do you think I don't know that?



You sound like my first counsellor. He was full of himself too.

You seem to refute any suggestions and solutions with excuses and reasons why it isnt going to work. You seem to seek validation for your self inflicted misery. There have been a number of very worthwhile suggestions that you should follow that will result in concrete improvements in your situation.....

+ move house share, ideally to a house with male and female housemates

+ cut out the porn and reduce your incessant masturbation to once a week at most - this will arouse more interest for you in real women and not just what you see on the net

+ join internet dating sites - GO ON A DATE ! even if it doesnt work the experience will stand to you then GO ON ANOTHER !

+ work on your appearance - get a personal consultation, maybe grow a goatee to hide your week chin? shave your hair tight to disguise your baldness?

+ improve your wardrobe and dress sense

+ ditch the farm excuse at least every second saturday and spend the time focussing on above - make this your goal


You need to change and only you can do this - otherwise get used to your fantasy land with your demure but dirty women on the net that you interact with only in your head....change and change now before its too late !

LegacyUser

I'm not moving house as I don't want to start another contract - I am purchasing a place currently so don't want to get tied down.

I did joing a dating site - on the recommendation of someone else on here. It was crap. The administrators did not contact me for 2 weeks in order to validate my account, so i'm now looking for some other wite to join.

Nowt wrong with my clothes.

Going to an orthadontist soon. Appt booked.

Already cutting back on porn.

I will inherit a share of the farm.


I am trying, I'm just rubbish at it.

Taltos

We have received a report that the poster here claiming to be the OP, is not actually the OP. - "OP again...going to try".
All their posts have been deleted and an investigation is underway, poster in the meantime we have removed your ability to post to PI/RI.

To the original OP - apologies this has happened - thank you for getting in touch with confirmation of being the OP. Your post from last night was restored.

Fake OP has now been permabanned from PI/RI.
All posts after the initial hijacking post have been removed, however for transparency this thread has been copied to a closed thread with a similar name. Everyone who contributed after that point - sorry for removing your posts but since they may have been influenced by the banned poster it was the only fair thing to do.

Taltos

gud4u

I hope you can turn it around, you must feel it's worth having a good life, don't throw it away in misery.

You already have made a few changes and all's not lost, there's nowt wrong with your clothes:)

Don't be influenced by what happened here either, keep posting if it's giving you support or perspective.

LegacyUser

Taltos: thanks for sorting this for me.

Back on subject. I am now getting up earlier to go to work. this means I can finish work earlier and leaves me with the evenings free to do things.

Only thing is I've got nothing to do yet!

It's a small tiny step, but it is a step in te right direction I think. Actually as i think about this more, I believe that I suffer from SAD. During the dark, wet months of the year I'd lie in bed until late, not getting into work until 10am, leaving at 7pm - now I am in at 8am and leaving at 4:00pm!

I've yet to fgure out what to do with myself. I have slight interests in self defence, photography and cooking. It's just a matter of finding a suitable outlet.

In terms of on-line dating - I am uncomfortable doing this now as my life as the title says is such a mess. If someone probed with questions i don't know how to answer and I don't want to lie or come across as an oddball.

I'm still at a loss as to how i cut the strings with home to an extent where I can live my own life. I dream of moving away but deep down I know that wil not happena for a number of reasons. Any suggestions?

ihsb

op_here_again wrote: »

Taltos: thanks for sorting this for me.

Back on subject. I am now getting up earlier to go to work. this means I can finish work earlier and leaves me with the evenings free to do things.

Only thing is I've got nothing to do yet!

It's a small tiny step, but it is a step in te right direction I think. Actually as i think about this more, I believe that I suffer from SAD. During the dark, wet months of the year I'd lie in bed until late, not getting into work until 10am, leaving at 7pm - now I am in at 8am and leaving at 4:00pm!

I've yet to fgure out what to do with myself. I have slight interests in self defence, photography and cooking. It's just a matter of finding a suitable outlet.

In terms of on-line dating - I am uncomfortable doing this now as my life as the title says is such a mess. If someone probed with questions i don't know how to answer and I don't want to lie or come across as an oddball.

I'm still at a loss as to how i cut the strings with home to an extent where I can live my own life. I dream of moving away but deep down I know that wil not happena for a number of reasons. Any suggestions?

Wow... what a step in the right direction OP! I know you said that change is hard for you so pat yourself on the back for making every change. No matter how small.

I agree on the dating site thing. I think you need to cut back on the porn (which I have already said and you have said you have tried) and work on fixing yourself before you get anyone else involved.

On regards of your family, it is good that you have a close family. You don't want to ruin that as you will probably need their support at some point.

You say you have to go home at the weekends to help out? Well maybe suggest that they downsize, make it easier to cope. Explain that you are trying to fix your own life at the moment and that you are not going to be able to travel so much. I would say cut down helping them gradually. Start with only three weekends a month, then two. Then more if you need it.

Try http://www.eveningclasses.ie/ to look for a class that you can do to pursue your interests. For meeting male friends do the self defence and to get chatting to women (I am not saying for dating but for a healthy view of them) try the cookery and photography. People don't chat easily. Anyone that is in a course on their own is probably just like you. Nothing to do in the evenings and feeling a bit low. Wanting to get out of the house. They are probably just as shy as you. So don't expect miracles from the beginning but keep going.