How long do I have to wait for a proposal?

CathyMoran

My husband were on and off engaged for years before we married - the last time I went down on bended knee in front of two of his sisters and my brother in Dublin airport after he had returned from his brother's wedding in India and we got married 3 months later in a small ceremony (16 people attended in total) - just ask him!

BraziliaNZ

Or don't ask him. Jesus there's some bad advice here. Ask yourself why this ceremony is necessary for both of you to be happy? Are you insecure in the relationship? Will you not be able to relax until some papers are signed? Because as soon as the ceremony is over it'll be back to the exact same way things are now. Plenty of couples never get married, I just can't understand why you think it's required.

Big Bag of Chips

I never got a proposal, we just agreed to get married and went looking at rings. When we collected the ring, he gave it to me in the car, parked in the car park of Liffey Valley and asked jokingly.. will we get married so?

If you're waiting for the big grand gesture to have a story to tell the grandkids then you are weighing your priorities all wrong.

My husband didn't do the big grand proposal, we discussed it, agreed, got married and carried on as normal.

Regardless of how you get engaged it will be the best feeling for you, whether that is in Liffey Valley carpark, or on top of the Eiffel Tower with it spelt out in candles.

Daisy M

In my opinion it is crazy that in this day and age its ok for a woman to be kept in the dark about her own future. I cant understand why people think its fine for her to wait around and let him propose in his own good time. This is her life too and she should be entitled to know if the person she plans on spending it with is ready or not to commit. I am not saying he has to propose or that she should propose but she should know if it is on the cards and what time frame is it going to happen in.
As for people commenting and dropping hints, thats not the ops fault if her bf has a problem with it he should tell them enough, not use it as an excuse not to propose.

BraziliaNZ

Daisy M wrote: »

In my opinion it is crazy that in this day and age its ok for a woman to be kept in the dark about her own future. I cant understand why people think its fine for her to wait around and let him propose in his own good time. This is her life too and she should be entitled to know if the person she plans on spending it with is ready or not to commit. I am not saying he has to propose or that she should propose but she should know if it is on the cards and what time frame is it going to happen in.
As for people commenting and dropping hints, thats not the ops fault if her bf has a problem with it he should tell them enough, not use it as an excuse not to propose.

But how is marriage even considered a commitment anymore??!! It isn't!!! It's not the middle ages, you can walk away from a marriage as much as you can walk away from any relationship. They seem to be in a long term loving relationship anyway, a lot of people would love to have that.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the advice, some very varied opinions on here. I'm 28 and he's 35 to answer that question. I'd be very reluctant to go down that road of nit picking about housework, we share the household responsibilties pretty evenly and he contributes more financially as he earns a lot more so I'm fairly lucky really. I think that sitting down to talk about it is the best option.

Neyite

Daisy M wrote: »

In my opinion it is crazy that in this day and age its ok for a woman to be kept in the dark about her own future.

Eh? She is not being kept in the dark! It is him that is actually being kept in the dark because the OP has expectations of him that she has never verbalised and he probably has no idea about.

She is not some sort of chattel that has no say over her future, like you seem to think. She has. She can simply talk to the man she loves and tell him what she wants in her future.

OP, if you want to get married to him - talk to him and set a date. If you want a spontaneous proposal from him, then you will have to wait and see if he delivers.

Daisy M

Neyite wrote: »

Eh? She is not being kept in the dark! It is him that is actually being kept in the dark because the OP has expectations of him that she has never verbalised and he probably has no idea about.

She is not some sort of chattel that has no say over her future, like you seem to think. She has. She can simply talk to the man she loves and tell him what she wants in her future.

OP, if you want to get married to him - talk to him and set a date. If you want a spontaneous proposal from him, then you will have to wait and see if he delivers.

I never implied she was I have no idea where you made that up from. I said and I stick by it that she is entitled to know if her bf is ready to commit or not. My opinion will always be the same as one half of a serious couple you should be entitled to know where you stand, you shouldnt have to spend a year waiting for a proposal discussing if you have a future with someone should not have to wait until a proposal comes, it should be something that both people in the relationship are free to talk about without feeling they will scare the other off or put them under pressure. There is no way I would want to be with someone who was not able to show me that I was part of their future.

neuro-praxis

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

But how is marriage even considered a commitment anymore??!! It isn't!!! It's not the middle ages, you can walk away from a marriage as much as you can walk away from any relationship. They seem to be in a long term loving relationship anyway, a lot of people would love to have that.

Marriage is the commitment that the couple involved want it to be. My husband and I made some public promises a few years back to stay together for life, and both of us intend to keep those promises. Of course, sometimes life gets in the way, but we're going to fight for it, and we're not that different to most couples.

I am a friend

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

But how is marriage even considered a commitment anymore??!!.

It obviously is to her and she is the person at the heart of the issue here.. its important to her for her own reasons just as its not important to others for their own reasons. I dont see how your point is of importance given its the OP's original post and the OP we are talking about.

rbag

I think you're going to have communicate directly with him about it. Five years is a long time together... I wouldn't sit back and wait for a proposal because he may never ask. Sorry if that seems harsh.

Honey-ec

OkayWhatever wrote: »

I dunno about you, but I wouldn't want somebody to propose to me because they felt they had no choice and they felt they 'had to do it'.

This. Two people very close to me were proposed to because their other halves basically felt pressured into it. One of these people had been with her partner for 10 years and they had 3 kids together. Both proposals were broken off within six months and the relationships are finished.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Ask yourself why this ceremony is necessary for both of you to be happy? Are you insecure in the relationship? Will you not be able to relax until some papers are signed? Because as soon as the ceremony is over it'll be back to the exact same way things are now. Plenty of couples never get married, I just can't understand why you think it's required.

Romance & commitment aside, there are very compelling practical reasons to get married - taxation & legal rights among them.

Big Bag of Chips

Daisy M wrote: »

it should be something that both people in the relationship are free to talk about without feeling they will scare the other off or put them under pressure. There is no way I would want to be with someone who was not able to show me that I was part of their future.

They do both discuss it, as per the OP's 1st post....

noregname wrote: »

We have discussed our long term future; marriage, how many kids, where to live, etc. and we seem to have been set for marriage for at least a year but there's still no proposal.

She's not afraid to discuss it, nor is he. She's waiting for a proposal!

Maybe he thinks that the decision is made and is waiting for her to suggest going ring shopping?

Maybe because its something they openly discuss he doesn't think a proposal is necessary?

There could be any number of "maybes". Talking to him, honestly, is the only way she will get her answers! It might ruin the chances of a surprise proposal, but that's a decision she has to make for herself.

The Corinthian

fab lady wrote: »

If he says anything about this just tell him that a housekeeper would get paid at least min wage for all you do in your home.

Do not do this. It is a terrible idea.

The moment you examine the financial opportunity cost of a relationship, is the moment you dig a serious hole for yourself. Why? Because while a housekeeper would get paid at least minimum wage for all you do in your home, it is unlikely that he would need to employ a housekeeper more than a few hours, twice a month, to do so and when compared with the cost of maintaining a homemaker, let alone the other financial implications of marriage, you'll come out by far the more expensive option.

Worse still, going down this road will engender similar financial comparisons to everything else you bring to the relationship - and do you really want to have a price tag attached to sex? Even if you did the comparison could well go against you even there, especially if you've settled into the once or twice a week routine that some many couples settle into after a few years together.

On top of which, the raising of the financial topic would quickly raise serious warning bells for any man - if you're already doing financial calculations on what you're 'worth' now that things are good, what will you be doing if and when you get a divorce?

The OP should follow the advice given by many here and instead let her other half know of her wishes in this regard and why they are so important to her. Equally as important is that she should learn why he is so hesitant; financial fears, Peter Pan syndrome or just laziness - and help to address them.

But turning the whole thing into a financial analysis is utterly self defeating. All that it will do is alienate him and cause him to realize that financially he's probably better off without you in the long run.

gowayouttadat

I had this with my other half for a while. Together ten years, a kid and a house together. BUT I know my boyfriend and I know he would be completely uncomfortable with a proposal and a big wedding so I asked him if he wanted to be married, he said yes so I "proposed" a date and we went with that.
You need to grow up a bit and just tell him what you want and when you want it.