How long do I have to wait for a proposal?

LegacyUser

I've been with my wonderful boyfriend for five happy years. We have discussed our long term future; marriage, how many kids, where to live, etc. and we seem to have been set for marriage for at least a year but there's still no proposal. I have been giving little hints recently (and his family and friends have been giving BIG hints for about two years) but there's still no proposal. I thought that it would have happened by now. We're still sure about ending up together but he just isn't getting the ball rolling.

Any advise?

Acoshla

Maybe just talk to him about it like two adults instead of dropping hints and crossing your fingers for a proposal? Discuss getting married, if he wants to do it, if so when, etc.

Bodhidharma

Whats the rush? Maybe he just isn't ready?

Also you come off as a bit immature to be honest, giving hints to his family and friends is probably more likely to annoy him if he isn't ready.

Why dont you propose to him if you're so set on marraige, the man doesn't always have to do it you know?

LegacyUser

No, his family and friends were giving big hints to him, I have never said anything to them, nor would I.

Payton

It is a leap year, isn't it "tradition" for the female to propose? :-)

Beruthiel

noregname wrote: »

No, his family and friends were giving big hints to him, I have never said anything to them, nor would I.

Maybe he resents being pushed into it by all and sundry.
I know I'd be telling people to back off and mind their own business.

LegacyUser

Well it is my business and I can't control the others. I have backed off the hinting and I've tried to talk to him but he's not giving any timeframe. I suppose that he just isn't ready.

I know that it's probably not PC to say but I would be uncomfortable proposing to him. I think that there is a bit of a stigma about it. And it's not like it's just one day, it's a story you could be asked for years like by your grandkids etc..

I am a friend

There is no point jumping down the girls throat because she wants to get engaged / married. Some people are traditional and dont want to have to ask to be asked?!?!?!??

Op in saying that you need to ask him. Maybe he is saving up or something simple like that.

LegacyUser

Thanks I am a friend. In all my excitment I never even thought of that (sounds so obvious now). I've read a lot of your posts on other threads and you really live up to your name.

Miss Fluff

If you feel this strongly about it then bring it up with your boyfriend directly and tell him you'd like to get married soon. I'm sure all this pressure from his family and friends is getting right on his nerves so why don't you have that conversation together and in pricate so you have a rough notion of when it's going to happen? So if for example he says to you he will definitely be proposing in 2012 then at least you know a proposal will be coming before the year is out where he may actually be thinking 2017 is plenty of time. Have that chat.

BraziliaNZ

Maybe marriage isn't on his agenda? If you are both happy the way things are (well maybe you're not because he hasn't proposed), you should maybe just try and enjoy what you have. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when it comes to marriage and how unnecessary it is, but how would it make you any happier? It's only a legal document? The day costs a fortune and I believe is very stressful so what's the rush?

Rosy Posy

There's nothing more suffocating (and less romantic) than a partner plus friends and family breathing down your neck about proposing. I have a friend who, every time she goes on a trip with her long term bf, all and sundry are expecting her to come back with a ring on her finger. Don't know how he stands it either, pretty much every time they go somewhere romantic she is on tenderhooks wondering is he about to get down on one knee. My husband really sold me the dummy- told me that he didn't believe in marriage (a bourgoise institution etc) and, while I was inwardly heartbroken to be missing out on the big white dress fantasy of my childhood, accepted that if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me that was enough of a commitment...imagine how surprised I was when he popped the question. Although I've never said yes to anything faster in my life, I would still much rather be in that position than constantly expecting something and feeling under pressure. I guess what I am trying to say in a rather long winded way is that you should shift your focus from the ring and the party to the commitment if/when you have the chat. If he knows that you are happy to be with him regardless of whether or not you stand up in front of your family and friends and proclaim it then he might feel relaxed enough to pop the question...or you might find that it doesn't matter to you as much as just being together.

Dolbert

Just talk to him. My bf and I had always known that we would get married 'at some point'. However it was only when we properly sat down and talked about it that anything happened. He was definitely someone who wouldn't have proposed until he had a bit of money saved up, your bf is probably just being practical!

lace

The best thing to do is just have a conversation with him. Ye obviously have no bother talking about the future but maybe it's time to explain to him that this "some time in the future" is a big vague for you and you'd like a little more reassurance that he does actually want all this and isn't just selling you some distant hope. Tell him how you feel about marriage and a proposal and ask how he feels? The poor guy is probably sick of hearing about it from friends and family and it could be something as simple as saving up enough money for a nice ring/wedding or waiting for the right time that's putting him off. Be sure not to put too much pressure on him to do it right now, but ask him if he's thought about when the future the two of you discussed is going to begin and try to negotiate on it as a couple.

C-J

I've been with my partner for four years and so I'm used to nudging at weddings 'you're next', we cant go on holidays or a nice weekend away without people expecting me to come back with news! I'm the same as you I'm very traditional but practical in the sense that I know my boyfriend will want to have saved up before we go down that road. You need to talk to your boyfriend about it he might just be the same

squonk

C-J: There's nothing better to stop the 'Your Next' nudging from relatives at weddings like nudging them back at a funeral 'You're Next' .

OP, I think you need to sit down and discuss it with your partner. TBH from a male perspective if I had an OH who was dropping hints, but even had backed off, along with a family who were at the same thing, I'd take my sweet time and catch them off guard becuase I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. That's just me. Your OH may be different or may actually want to ensure that there's enough cash there for a wedding in the way you'd like as well as cash available afterwards.

deisemum

noregname wrote: »

Well it is my business and I can't control the others. I have backed off the hinting and I've tried to talk to him but he's not giving any timeframe. I suppose that he just isn't ready.

I know that it's probably not PC to say but I would be uncomfortable proposing to him. I think that there is a bit of a stigma about it. And it's not like it's just one day, it's a story you could be asked for years like by your grandkids etc..

I proposed to my now husband back in 1988 and we're coming up to our 22nd wedding anniversary and I've never come across any stigma about it. If you think you're mature enough to get married then at the very least you should be mature enough to discuss it instead of feeling uncomfortable about it.

C-J

My friends and i love chatting when someone's engaged, how it was done etc. we know two women who proposed to their boyfriends and those stories are the best! There's more of a wow factor, and if you're thinking about a 'story for the grandkids', this is definitely it!

If you know that he has sights set on a future with you. You can see progression towards that future.
Relax and let it happen in its own time.

LegacyUser

Who's to say he'll ever propose?
Personally, I'd begin to feel resentful that you've already had "the" conversation a year ago, but nothing has come of it. Are you expected to jump through hoops or something whilst he hums& hahs?
Or maybe he's so sure of you/your commitment to him, that he doesn't feel any real pressure to progress things. Ie: that you're not going anywhere with anyone else anytime soon, so why rush into "securing" you. Great for him, not so great for you.
May be time to change tack. Think about it.

LegacyUser

adglkd wrote: »

Who's to say he'll ever propose?
Personally, I'd begin to feel resentful that you've already had "the" conversation a year ago, but nothing has come of it. Are you expected to jump through hoops or something whilst he hums& hahs?
Or maybe he's so sure of you/your commitment to him, that he doesn't feel any real pressure to progress things. Ie: that you're not going anywhere with anyone else anytime soon, so why rush into "securing" you. Great for him, not so great for you.
May be time to change tack. Think about it.

I agree. You've already spent five years with this guy. How many more years do you want to wait around?

From what you've said, you've already agreed to marry. So what you need really is to agree a date. Why don't you have that conversation instead? 'You know the way we were talking about being married, when would you like to have the wedding? I'd kinda like next June because at that stage such and such will have happened etc etc and so I think it would suit pretty well. What do you think?' And when that's sorted you could try 'so what about getting engaged on such and such a date?'

It's a bit daft thinking he's waiting to have enough saved if ye haven't even talked about it - it takes two to save!

Maybe he hasn't 'proposed' because he has no notion of it...

I am a friend

I would be very wary of 'encouraging' anyone to marry me. I would worry if it's for any reason other than saving..

trio

OP, you haven't said, but I'd bet anything you two live together.

It seems to me that it often a uniting factor in these kinds of complaints. And you can see why - when you are already living as man and wife effectively, and paying a mortgage perhaps, the thoughts of spending €20,000 on a day out, another €2K on a holiday and a further €1-2K on a ring for just one day, afterwhich you just go back to the same house?

Its easy to see why people put it on the long finger - its a hell of a lot of money to change very little.

How are your finances at the moment? Cos its not just about saving for a ring - unless you're not gonna marry for a few years after that to give yourselves time for further saving. And I'm guessing you want to be married, not just engaged.

Sometimes women are the ones going "We want to marry - we'll manage it somehow", whereas men are going "We want to marry - how the hell are we going to manage it?"

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I'm a little wary fo just acting like we're engaged and the romantic part of me wants him to plan a proposal (I know I want to eat my cake and have it too). We have lived together for 3 years, no mortgage but money is a bit tight as we're both paying fees for part time postgrad courses while working. I started a little wedding fund 18 months ago, just a few euro a week but it really adds up. I didn't tell him about this as I thought that it would be too pushy. He may be saving for the day and not just the ring as neither of us like the idea of long engagements.

LegacyUser

At this stage you need to decide if you really want to get married to this man.
You told him over 12 months ago that you want to get married and his family have been telling him to propose to you longer than this.
At this stage why would he propose. Your living with him and he has things just the way he wants. I am sure that you doing most of the day to day things where you live.
I would just do your own cooking, washing, ironing ect. I would not be the one to buy the bread, milk ect. If he says anything about this just tell him that a housekeeper would get paid at least min wage for all you do in your home.
I would start to go out more with your friends also as it is about time that he knew you have a life beyond him.
I would keep saving money so you can move out. Decide now on a date that if he has not proposed by you are leaving him and moving to a new place on your own.
I knew a few girls in your situation who moved after being years with one man who did not propose. They ended up meet new men, get married and having families.

neuro-praxis

fab lady wrote: »

At this stage you need to decide if you really want to get married to this man.
You told him over 12 months ago that you want to get married and his family have been telling him to propose to you longer than this.
At this stage why would he propose. Your living with him and he has things just the way he wants. I am sure that you doing most of the day to day things where you live.
I would just do your own cooking, washing, ironing ect. I would not be the one to buy the bread, milk ect. If he says anything about this just tell him that a housekeeper would get paid at least min wage for all you do in your home.
I would start to go out more with your friends also as it is about time that he knew you have a life beyond him.
I would keep saving money so you can move out. Decide now on a date that if he has not proposed by you are leaving him and moving to a new place on your own.
I knew a few girls in your situation who moved after being years with one man who did not propose. They ended up meet new men, get married and having families.

This is dreadful advice. Ignore it.

Try talking about it again. Good relationships flourish with good communication. Try to get clarity on what you both want, and when. Only when you have exhausted all attempts at talking and reaching an understanding should you begin to consider other options.

IrishEyes19

neuro-praxis wrote: »

This is dreadful advice. Ignore it.

Try talking about it again. Good relationships flourish with good communication. Try to get clarity on what you both want, and when. Only when you have exhausted all attempts at talking and reaching an understanding should you begin to consider other options.

+ 1 on this. This isnt some man you met 2 months ago, you love each other. He may be saving for a ring, or trying to be more financially secure. the idea of marriage may be frightening for him. Its a big step. Talk to him, sit down and chat about it. Nothing needs to be set in stone. you just need to figure out where you both stand on this.

Do not take the advice of saving to move out and not buying groceries. thats crazy and you will look crazy as well as he'll be wondering what he did wrong. No need to play head games or zone each other out. Just simple communication will work. best of luck

Mighty_Mouse

At this stage why would he propose. Your living with him and he has things just the way he wants. I am sure that you doing most of the day to day things where you live.
I would just do your own cooking, washing, ironing ect. I would not be the one to buy the bread, milk ect. If he says anything about this just tell him that a housekeeper would get paid at least min wage for all you do in your home.

+1 to ignoring this insanity
What age are ye both?

RandolphEsq

You can propose to him in 20 days, the 29th February. Go for it!

OkayWhatever

Marraige is such a big thing, maybe he's just waiting until the right time for him.
Maybe his right time isn't his right time, you just need to be patient! Even though it's hard to be when you want something really bad!

I dunno about you, but I wouldn't want somebody to propose to me because they felt they had no choice and they felt they 'had to do it' so maybe not talk about it for a while and then it'll happen. Maybe you dropping hints is putting pressure on him to do it, in turn, making him not want to do it.

Why do you want to know anyway? Imagine how nice the suprise would be when he just did it randomly!

I know a couple who have been together 7 years and aren't engaged. But just because they're not engaged doesn't mean they're not happy or in love. They're just waiting for the right time.

LegacyUser

This is the man you want to marry, yet you are waiting for him to ask?

Ask him straight out? For God's sake, what's the problem bringing up the subject?

It's the next step in your relationship, it's far too important to be dealt with by just dropping hints. For all you know he may be nervous, or afraid, to ask the question.

CathyMoran

My husband were on and off engaged for years before we married - the last time I went down on bended knee in front of two of his sisters and my brother in Dublin airport after he had returned from his brother's wedding in India and we got married 3 months later in a small ceremony (16 people attended in total) - just ask him!

BraziliaNZ

Or don't ask him. Jesus there's some bad advice here. Ask yourself why this ceremony is necessary for both of you to be happy? Are you insecure in the relationship? Will you not be able to relax until some papers are signed? Because as soon as the ceremony is over it'll be back to the exact same way things are now. Plenty of couples never get married, I just can't understand why you think it's required.

Big Bag of Chips

I never got a proposal, we just agreed to get married and went looking at rings. When we collected the ring, he gave it to me in the car, parked in the car park of Liffey Valley and asked jokingly.. will we get married so?

If you're waiting for the big grand gesture to have a story to tell the grandkids then you are weighing your priorities all wrong.

My husband didn't do the big grand proposal, we discussed it, agreed, got married and carried on as normal.

Regardless of how you get engaged it will be the best feeling for you, whether that is in Liffey Valley carpark, or on top of the Eiffel Tower with it spelt out in candles.

Daisy M

In my opinion it is crazy that in this day and age its ok for a woman to be kept in the dark about her own future. I cant understand why people think its fine for her to wait around and let him propose in his own good time. This is her life too and she should be entitled to know if the person she plans on spending it with is ready or not to commit. I am not saying he has to propose or that she should propose but she should know if it is on the cards and what time frame is it going to happen in.
As for people commenting and dropping hints, thats not the ops fault if her bf has a problem with it he should tell them enough, not use it as an excuse not to propose.

BraziliaNZ

Daisy M wrote: »

In my opinion it is crazy that in this day and age its ok for a woman to be kept in the dark about her own future. I cant understand why people think its fine for her to wait around and let him propose in his own good time. This is her life too and she should be entitled to know if the person she plans on spending it with is ready or not to commit. I am not saying he has to propose or that she should propose but she should know if it is on the cards and what time frame is it going to happen in.
As for people commenting and dropping hints, thats not the ops fault if her bf has a problem with it he should tell them enough, not use it as an excuse not to propose.

But how is marriage even considered a commitment anymore??!! It isn't!!! It's not the middle ages, you can walk away from a marriage as much as you can walk away from any relationship. They seem to be in a long term loving relationship anyway, a lot of people would love to have that.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the advice, some very varied opinions on here. I'm 28 and he's 35 to answer that question. I'd be very reluctant to go down that road of nit picking about housework, we share the household responsibilties pretty evenly and he contributes more financially as he earns a lot more so I'm fairly lucky really. I think that sitting down to talk about it is the best option.

Neyite

Daisy M wrote: »

In my opinion it is crazy that in this day and age its ok for a woman to be kept in the dark about her own future.

Eh? She is not being kept in the dark! It is him that is actually being kept in the dark because the OP has expectations of him that she has never verbalised and he probably has no idea about.

She is not some sort of chattel that has no say over her future, like you seem to think. She has. She can simply talk to the man she loves and tell him what she wants in her future.

OP, if you want to get married to him - talk to him and set a date. If you want a spontaneous proposal from him, then you will have to wait and see if he delivers.

Daisy M

Neyite wrote: »

Eh? She is not being kept in the dark! It is him that is actually being kept in the dark because the OP has expectations of him that she has never verbalised and he probably has no idea about.

She is not some sort of chattel that has no say over her future, like you seem to think. She has. She can simply talk to the man she loves and tell him what she wants in her future.

OP, if you want to get married to him - talk to him and set a date. If you want a spontaneous proposal from him, then you will have to wait and see if he delivers.

I never implied she was I have no idea where you made that up from. I said and I stick by it that she is entitled to know if her bf is ready to commit or not. My opinion will always be the same as one half of a serious couple you should be entitled to know where you stand, you shouldnt have to spend a year waiting for a proposal discussing if you have a future with someone should not have to wait until a proposal comes, it should be something that both people in the relationship are free to talk about without feeling they will scare the other off or put them under pressure. There is no way I would want to be with someone who was not able to show me that I was part of their future.

neuro-praxis

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

But how is marriage even considered a commitment anymore??!! It isn't!!! It's not the middle ages, you can walk away from a marriage as much as you can walk away from any relationship. They seem to be in a long term loving relationship anyway, a lot of people would love to have that.

Marriage is the commitment that the couple involved want it to be. My husband and I made some public promises a few years back to stay together for life, and both of us intend to keep those promises. Of course, sometimes life gets in the way, but we're going to fight for it, and we're not that different to most couples.

I am a friend

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

But how is marriage even considered a commitment anymore??!!.

It obviously is to her and she is the person at the heart of the issue here.. its important to her for her own reasons just as its not important to others for their own reasons. I dont see how your point is of importance given its the OP's original post and the OP we are talking about.

rbag

I think you're going to have communicate directly with him about it. Five years is a long time together... I wouldn't sit back and wait for a proposal because he may never ask. Sorry if that seems harsh.

Honey-ec

OkayWhatever wrote: »

I dunno about you, but I wouldn't want somebody to propose to me because they felt they had no choice and they felt they 'had to do it'.

This. Two people very close to me were proposed to because their other halves basically felt pressured into it. One of these people had been with her partner for 10 years and they had 3 kids together. Both proposals were broken off within six months and the relationships are finished.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Ask yourself why this ceremony is necessary for both of you to be happy? Are you insecure in the relationship? Will you not be able to relax until some papers are signed? Because as soon as the ceremony is over it'll be back to the exact same way things are now. Plenty of couples never get married, I just can't understand why you think it's required.

Romance & commitment aside, there are very compelling practical reasons to get married - taxation & legal rights among them.

Big Bag of Chips

Daisy M wrote: »

it should be something that both people in the relationship are free to talk about without feeling they will scare the other off or put them under pressure. There is no way I would want to be with someone who was not able to show me that I was part of their future.

They do both discuss it, as per the OP's 1st post....

noregname wrote: »

We have discussed our long term future; marriage, how many kids, where to live, etc. and we seem to have been set for marriage for at least a year but there's still no proposal.

She's not afraid to discuss it, nor is he. She's waiting for a proposal!

Maybe he thinks that the decision is made and is waiting for her to suggest going ring shopping?

Maybe because its something they openly discuss he doesn't think a proposal is necessary?

There could be any number of "maybes". Talking to him, honestly, is the only way she will get her answers! It might ruin the chances of a surprise proposal, but that's a decision she has to make for herself.

The Corinthian

fab lady wrote: »

If he says anything about this just tell him that a housekeeper would get paid at least min wage for all you do in your home.

Do not do this. It is a terrible idea.

The moment you examine the financial opportunity cost of a relationship, is the moment you dig a serious hole for yourself. Why? Because while a housekeeper would get paid at least minimum wage for all you do in your home, it is unlikely that he would need to employ a housekeeper more than a few hours, twice a month, to do so and when compared with the cost of maintaining a homemaker, let alone the other financial implications of marriage, you'll come out by far the more expensive option.

Worse still, going down this road will engender similar financial comparisons to everything else you bring to the relationship - and do you really want to have a price tag attached to sex? Even if you did the comparison could well go against you even there, especially if you've settled into the once or twice a week routine that some many couples settle into after a few years together.

On top of which, the raising of the financial topic would quickly raise serious warning bells for any man - if you're already doing financial calculations on what you're 'worth' now that things are good, what will you be doing if and when you get a divorce?

The OP should follow the advice given by many here and instead let her other half know of her wishes in this regard and why they are so important to her. Equally as important is that she should learn why he is so hesitant; financial fears, Peter Pan syndrome or just laziness - and help to address them.

But turning the whole thing into a financial analysis is utterly self defeating. All that it will do is alienate him and cause him to realize that financially he's probably better off without you in the long run.

gowayouttadat

I had this with my other half for a while. Together ten years, a kid and a house together. BUT I know my boyfriend and I know he would be completely uncomfortable with a proposal and a big wedding so I asked him if he wanted to be married, he said yes so I "proposed" a date and we went with that.
You need to grow up a bit and just tell him what you want and when you want it.