"I'm Just Not Ready for a Relationship"

coco_lola

I'm interested to hear ladies opinions on this one! Kind of based on something that happened to me personally, but also out of pure curiosity (I'm very into Behaviour and Psychology of Relationships!).

Going from the "He's Just Not That Into You Book", it states that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will go to any lengths to do so, simple as. And you get the countless guys that constantly use the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" to use women for their own needs and then they can say "I told you so" when they're done!

However, do any of you believe that there are guys out there that, even if they truly do have feelings for a girl, are genuinely just not in the right place for a relationship (due to bad past relationships, etc) and it's a case of bad timing? Or is it a general consensus that even if a guy feels as if he's not ready, when he meets a girl he wants to be with, he will just be with her no matter what?

Looking forward to hearing your opinions, me and some of my friends have quite a mixed bag of opinions on this, I personally feel that if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what!

deelite

I think it's all about timing In the long run. You may think you've met the elusive "one" but he too could have met his "one" previously (who he is no longer with). He may start a relationship with you with the line "I'm not really ready ...." but as soon as his "one" becomes free and single he will say the line again.

When I met my hubby he said to me (Regarding sex) Men need a place, women need a reason...

Wibbs

[male interloper]

coco_lola wrote: »

I personally feel that if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what!

I would agree if he wants to be with you/in a relationship in the first place. You can get men who don't want to be in a relationship at that point in time in their lives, regardless of the quality of potential partners. For all sorts of reasons. Situational, emotional, hell even financial.

*Generalisation alert* Women are more relationship(not just sexual) focused. They think about, work on and discuss them more than men. Whether it's inbuilt or a societal thing, they're more driven to be in one too. Now it's not a huge difference compared to men, but it's there. Given the majority of people view the world through the prism of their own feelings and assume others must think in a similar way, for a relationship focused type woman a guy who doesn't feel the need to be in a couple doesn't quite compute for her and she may assume it's BS.

However...

you get the countless guys that constantly use the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" to use women for their own needs and then they can say "I told you so" when they're done!

Yep you do indeed C_L and they're being dicks. That said they are actually telling the truth. Men and women pretty much always do if you actually listen to them, rather than listening to what you want to hear. While I think those guys are acting like dicks, my sympathy is not that high for the women enabling that, They refuse to listen and would rather listen to their own self centred* wishes. Just like my sympathy is low for men who get caught up in friendzone for the same self centred reasons.




*I don't mean selfish. I mean looking at the world through ones own wants and needs, while refusing to be objective.

ICANN

coco_lola wrote: »

Going from the "He's Just Not That Into You Book", it states that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will go to any lengths to do so, simple as.

I personally feel that if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what!

That's fairly interesting, never heard this idea before.

I'm a female and not really into relationships so much. I like my own space but I'm a really sociable person, I just don't like the idea of being tied to someone like that so if I was going to out with someone I'd have to really really like them.

If I fancy someone I won't do anything about it because of a mixture of I'm a cowardly type/ not really that bothered about being in a relationship.

Surely there's some fellas that want to be in a relationship with someone but are also quiet/shy so won't ask someone out?

Ickle Magoo

Since I've often been in a place myself where I've met a really nice fella but nothing could induce me to get back into a relationship at that juncture, I definitely do feel that men (and women!) can be attracted to someone but not want to get into anything beyond a bit of fun/company.

I do think if a guy really wants to be with someone they make it obvious and there are not going to be the "I haven't heard from him in three weeks after date no2 - is he still interested?" type questions - but that's a slightly separate issue to wanting to be in someone's company, being physically attracted to them but not wanting to deal with sometimes head-wreaking relationship dynamics.

Rather than a get-out clause, for the most part I'd see "I'm just not ready for a relationship" as being honest and respectful - as opposed to just playing along in silence knowing the other party is probably interested in a relationship while they know they are not. Of course, there are those that use the above as the proverbial carrot to string interested parties along - but it's still clearly setting expectation and really, if anyone stays involved, then that's their prerogative/look-out - I don't think it's fair to foist that one back onto the guy as an "I told you so"...

G86

coco_lola wrote: »

I personally feel that if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what!

I'd agree with this. I think alot of the time it's easier for women to convince themselves that there's some other reason for the guy not wanting what they want. It's easier to keep making excuses for someone rather than accept that maybe they just don't care enough to make a commitment. It's the hardest thing in the world to look at the big picture, and realise that there's no other reason for them not wanting to be with you, other than that they don't want to be with you. If you're at all insecure, that's a hard pill to swallow. And even if you're the most confident person in the world..it doesn't matter...everyone wants the person they love to love them back. Sometimes it's just easier to lie to yourself.

I'm a girl, but personally, if I really loved/cared about someone - nothing would get in the way of that. Maybe I'm a romantic, and maybe some people might think I'm idealistic or naive...but I think it's such an amazing feeling when you find the right person, that you should never, ever let anything get in the way of it. Sometimes, it can't be helped, but even in those cases - you at least try; you don't just walk away because it's too hard. If it feels like it's too much effort....then you never really cared that much in the first place.

The best things in life are worth fighting for, isn't that what they say?

That's how I see it.

lazygal

I don't think a relationship will work if one party has to be badgered into it. I was never in serious relationships but had a series of "things", a few dates, seemed to be going well only for the guys to pull the "not ready" card (combined with "A lovely girl like you deserves better" nonsense) or a few dates and the men disappeared into the ether.
When I met my now husband it was so easy. We started going out and that was that. After a month or so, we had a chat and realized this was a serious relationship. We got engaged after a year and married a few months later. We're now expecting our first child. It might seem fast but you do know when you meet the right person and there's no need to "fight" for it or treat it like a project to be tackled, it just flows.

Of course there are ups and downs as with any big life relationship but they are not difficult to deal with. I now realize a lot of the drama and emotional hoopla I had with previous men was just masking the fact that neither I nor they were with the right person. When you do meet that right person, you just feel ready. I know that might sound wishy washy but I've seen friends still waiting for a partner to be "ready" to get married when they've being going out years. After a certain period of time you either want to be in a relationship or you don't.

Princess Peach

First off I read that book "He's Just not that Into You" and I thought it was pretty awful. A lot of guys are more complex than the book makes all guys out to be. I wouldn't follow advice from that book often.

Guys may have a different way of showing it but I believe their emotions are fairly similar to girls'. I know I've been in the position before where I've not been ready for a relationship, either due to personal issues or a bad breakup, or not over an ex. I suffer from depression and was starting to feel a little better at one stage so got into a relationship, that I now know I wasn't ready for and the outcome messed me up for a long time.

After that break-up I had a bunch of guys asking me out, some I really didn't know at all, and I didn't even give them a chance because I wasn't ready. So I can't say it was because I didn't like them, I didn't even get to know them.

A guy may like a girl and say that because he's not in the right frame of mind, and knows the relationship won't go well right now.

Don't think of guys as this simple vessel that will fall in love with a girl and everything will be fine for them. That book is just awful!

Wibbs

G86 wrote:

I'm a girl, but personally, if I really loved/cared about someone - nothing would get in the way of that.

Oh I defo get that G, however if I loved/cared for someone I'd be thinking of them as well as me and if I wasnt in a position(emotionally or situationally) to make a half decent stab at a healthy relationship I'd be more at ease leaving them to find someone who could offer them that. Because when I've loved someone in the past, alongside what is good for me I think of what would be good for them.

Princess Peach wrote: »

A guy may like a girl and say that because he's not in the right frame of mind, and knows the relationship won't go well right now.

This would be a good example.

coco_lola

Thanks for all the replies guys, some really interesting views here! I think that the general view is that a person can have feelings for someone, but are still not in a position to have a relationship with anyone, and had the timing been better they would have considered a relationship. I know I've been there myself, I met a few really great guys, but was not in the right place to give them the relationship they deserved, and I walked away. However, shortly after, I met my (now ex) boyfriend, and I was so smitten I couldn't let him go

But I've come across guys in my life who have given me the "im not ready for a relationship" line, and honestly they had cause for being in that frame of mind, yet they still continued to want to see me (so obviously there is some fault at my side for continuing it), when I made it clear I wanted a relationship. One person even went so far as having a relationship in everything but name, spilling feelings etc., but told me he "wasn't ready". I believe in that situation that is purely leading the other party on (and I wised up )

daenerysstormborn3

As a woman who used to say I'm just not ready for a serious relationship, when I said it I meant "you are not the one I want to have a serious relationship with".

seenitall

lazygal wrote: »

I was never in serious relationships but had a series of "things", a few dates, seemed to be going well only for the guys to pull the "not ready" card (combined with "A lovely girl like you deserves better" nonsense) or a few dates and the men disappeared into the ether

I agree, but like Wibbs and Ickle Magoo say, it's not nonsense. It's the truth, even when it is said from a self-serving, face-saving place. I've never had it said to me (feel like I very easily could have, though - had my share of those types, too! ) but if someone now told me I was lovely and deserve better than them, I'd think "Yeah, spot on".

The other side of the coin, though, is, that no matter how easy or difficult it is at the take-off, things can go pear-shaped at any given moment. Love is what we call the necessary mutual delusion that this isn't so. (cynical, moi? :pac:) I met a guy, fell in love, whirlwind romance, trip to Venice, got married in the space of a year. He took off after three. He just fell out of love; the beginning was very, very easy, though.

There are no guarantees in life, so of course, no one should ever be settling for less than they want, right now. It's a very difficult lesson for many, but feels incredibly exhilarating once learned.

G86

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh I defo get that G, however if I loved/cared for someone I'd be thinking of them as well as me and if I wasnt in a position(emotionally or situationally) to make a half decent stab at a healthy relationship I'd be more at ease leaving them to find someone who could offer them that. Because when I've loved someone in the past, alongside what is good for me I think of what would be good for them.

It's the 'If you love someone let them go' kind of mantra isn't it? I do get your point, and I think you're right to an extent. But the problem is that most of the time people just use it as an excuse, and that makes it harder for the people who are in those situations where a relationship really isn't feasible, and they really do mean it. I also think that regardless of heartfelt intentions, it's never up to you to decide what's right for the person you're with - they need the opportunity to make up their own mind.

boomkatalog

I've used that line myself (I'm female) because I was just out of a long term relationship and wasn't happy, figured I needed to be alone.

3 weeks later I met someone else and started dating him. I realised then that it wasn't about the relationship, it was the guy, and although he was pretty p*ssed with me because he though it was just a line, I didn't realise at the time what the issue was, just that it all felt wrong.

I wouldn't say women are more focused on relationships, the majority of my friends want to remain single. Maybe age has a lot to do with it though? They're all about 21-23, maybe the importance of a relationship changes as you get older?

Ickle Magoo

G86 wrote: »

...But the problem is that most of the time people just use it as an excuse, and that makes it harder for the people who are in those situations where a relationship really isn't feasible, and they really do mean it..

Does it matter which it is tho when the end result and message is the same? Surely the bottom line is someone either wants to be in a relationship or they don't, for whatever reason - I'm not sure I'd waste my time looking wistfully past that very clear message and trying to second guess potential/possible/hopeful future intentions. They've been honest about how they feel and they've put the ball in the court of the other party as to whether they want to keep going eyes fully-open hoping things will change or just draw a line under it...

G86

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Does it matter which it is tho when the end result and message is the same? Surely the bottom line is someone either wants to be in a relationship or they don't, for whatever reason - I'm not sure I'd waste my time looking wistfully past that very clear message and trying to second guess potential/possible/hopeful future intentions. They've been honest about how they feel and they've put the ball in the court of the other party as to whether they want to keep going eyes fully-open hoping things will change or just draw a line under it...

I think it does. The point being that someone saying they're not ready for a relationship, when in fact they just don't want one with that person, isn't being honest at all.

As I said previously though, I still think that if you care enough about something then you won't let anything get in the way of it, or you'll at least try.

I've dated guys before where I ended it knowing I'd never want a relationship with them - because I simply didn't care enough. It wasn't that I didn't want one, it was that I didn't want one with them, and telling them any different would have been BS and quite frankly insulting to the person. Everyone deserves honesty.

Ickle Magoo

G86 wrote: »

I think it does. The point being that someone saying they're not ready for a relationship, when in fact they just don't want one with that person, isn't being honest at all.

I'd see it as just semantics - unless you work on the assumption that a lot of people know they are not ready for a relationship with that particular person but know they would get into a relationship with someone else.

G86 wrote: »

As I said previously though, I still think that if you care enough about something then you won't let anything get in the way of it, or you'll at least try.

I'd have to disagree with that too. It's never been my life's ambition to be in a relationship - often there have been many more important things going on my life which have taken precedence over whatever romance was on the go. I think where/how you prioritise [potential] relationships often depends on the persons involved; I'm much more independent, cynical and pragmatic than the drop everything for "love" or "the one" type person.

G86 wrote: »

I've dated guys before where I ended it knowing I'd never want a relationship with them - because I simply didn't care enough. It wasn't that I didn't want one, it was that I didn't want one with them, and telling them any different would have been BS and quite frankly insulting to the person. Everyone deserves honesty.

Again, I can quite honestly say at times I felt that I don't want a "relationship" with anyone, it wasn't a case of singling out that person as not being good enough or not doing it for me...I just wasn't intent on being in a relationship at all and if neither of us had the aim of being in a deep and meaningful then it wasn't an issue, if they felt more strongly than I or were actively looking for "a" relationship - they were free to walk. Not sure how that's not being honest or can be construed as insulting.

G86

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'd have to disagree with that too. It's never been my life's ambition to be in a relationship - often there have been many more important things going on my life which have taken precedence over whatever romance was on the go. I think where/how you prioritise [potential] relationships often depends on the persons involved; I'm much more independent, cynical and pragmatic than the drop everything for "love" or "the one" type person.

I don't think independence has anything to do with it to be honest, an I'm pretty sure I don't know an awful lot of people who's life ambition is to be in a relationship! (thank god!) I think it's pretty simple and people just over-complicate it; if you want to be someone then you'll be with them, and work everything else out as it comes. If you don't want to be with them then you won't be. Simples. My point is that saying you're not ready for a relationship usually just means you don't care enough to be in one with that person; because from my perspective (and I do realise this varies completely from person to person), if you really care about someone then all of the other stuff doesn't matter.

This is actually kinda of enlightening, 'cause most people I know would see me as pretty cynical when it comes to this kind of thing. Guess I'm a bit of an oul romantic at heart:o

Kevin Duffy

Wibbs wrote: »

[male interloper]

Yep you do indeed C_L and they're being dicks. That said they are actually telling the truth. Men and women pretty much always do if you actually listen to them, rather than listening to what you want to hear. While I think those guys are acting like dicks, my sympathy is not that high for the women enabling that, They refuse to listen and would rather listen to their own self centred* wishes. Just like my sympathy is low for men who get caught up in friendzone for the same self centred reasons.

That's horribly judgemental. Men or women who involve themselves in relationships that won't last and who do so with honesty are not being "dicks". Lots of people have short-term relationships where they're both happy and both go in with their eyes open to the fact that it won't last. Best of luck to them and they deserve nobody's judgement.

Ickle Magoo

G86 wrote: »

I don't think independence, has anything to do with it to be honest, an I'm pretty sure I don't know an awful lot of people who's life ambition is to be in a relationship! (thank god!) I think it's pretty simple and people just over-complicate it; if you want to be someone then you'll be with them, and work everything else out as it comes. If you don't want to be with them then you won't be. Simples. My point is that saying you're not ready for a relationship usually just means you don't care enough to be in one with that person; because from my perspective (and I do realise this varies completely from person to person), if you really care about someone then all of the other stuff doesn't matter.

See, I think independence does/did factor into things with me. For many years I was resolute that I wouldn't be getting married or doing the whole kids things and I was and am absolutely happy in my own company. I don't buy into the whole "if you loved them enough" or "you mustn't have cared enough" stuff because I think there are many people we have the potential to click with so it's not a case of grabbing a single opportunity with whomever and making sure it works at the cost of whatever else.

G86 wrote: »

This is actually kinda of enlightening, 'cause most people I know would see me as pretty cynical when it comes to this kind of thing. Guess I'm a bit of an oul romantic at heart:o

Nowt wrong with that. I'm really just comparing myself/my personality to my sister who went on to marry the guy she fell for in high school and our VERY differing views on these things... :pac:

seenitall

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

That's horribly judgemental. Men or women who involve themselves in relationships that won't last and who do so with honesty are not being "dicks". Lots of people have short-term relationships where they're both happy and both go in with their eyes open to the fact that it won't last. Best of luck to them and they deserve nobody's judgement.

...er, Wibbs's post and your response have nothing to do with each other. Read his post again, and more specifically the second quote that he was responding to with the above. It was about deliberate misleading, so not about the honesty or the "both happy" scenario.

Kevin Duffy

seenitall wrote: »

...er, Wibbs's post and your response have nothing to do with each other. Read his post again, and more specifically the second quote that he was responding to with the above. It was about deliberate misleading, so not about the honesty or the "both happy" scenario.

Yes they do. He responded to and quoted this;

coco_lola wrote: »

And you get the countless guys that constantly use the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" to use women for their own needs and then they can say "I told you so" when they're done!

...with this;

Wibbs wrote: »

However...
Yep you do indeed C_L and they're being dicks. That said they are actually telling the truth. Men and women pretty much always do if you actually listen to them, rather than listening to what you want to hear. While I think those guys are acting like dicks, my sympathy is not that high for the women enabling that, They refuse to listen and would rather listen to their own self centred* wishes. Just like my sympathy is low for men who get caught up in friendzone for the same self centred reasons.

If they are telling the truth and being upfront about the basis of the relationship, for whatever time it lasts, then it's horribly judgemental to decide they're just creating a platform for using people, or to decide that the women involved are "enabling" it when it's just as possible they're telling the truth and the other party is quite happy with what they're getting out of it.

Wibbs

It seems pretty clear that I was being, well pretty clear. "guys that constantly use the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" to use women for their own needs "= being dicks. Nothing about mutually agreed boundaries and aims.

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

If they are telling the truth and being upfront about the basis of the relationship, for whatever time it lasts, then it's horribly judgemental to decide they're just creating a platform for using people, or to decide that the women involved are "enabling" it when it's just as possible they're telling the truth and the other party is quite happy with what they're getting out of it.

Possibly, though in cases like coco_lola describes I would doubt it. Cases where they're having a "fling" and the woman wants more. You're not comparing like with like where both are agreeable to the setup. To my mind they're being one of a few possible mindsets: A bit thick. IE don't see that the other person clearly wants more. Selfish, because they don't care. Manipulative and using the other person. Hence the catchall of "dicks". Honesty may well come into it, but usually if honesty does come into it the person "leading" cops on and lets the other person know/backs off. If they don't then they're quite clearly using the situation for their own selfish reasons, whether that be sexual or emotional. IMHO it's very similar to the toxic type of friendzone usually coming from the female side. I've described it as "bonkzone" hereabouts in the past. IME many more men end up in friendzone, while many more women tend to end up in bonkzone and both enable it to some degree or other. Same basic coin, different sides.

seenitall

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Yes they do. He responded to and quoted this;



...with this;



If they are telling the truth and being upfront about the basis of the relationship, for whatever time it lasts, then it's horribly judgemental to decide they're just creating a platform for using people, or to decide that the women involved are "enabling" it when it's just as possible they're telling the truth and the other party is quite happy with what they're getting out of it.

Then your problem with it goes back to coco lola's original assertion, really. I do think you are being naive if you think that there are no people out there using lines exactly like that one to reel in people with low self esteem for their own purposes. If what they really mean is "I just want to have sex with you, and nothing more, ever!". But spelling it out like that would make the hook-up less likely.

(Playing a bit of a devil's advocate here against myself, because I really hold to the personal responsibility in that kind of situation, actually, but there is such a thing out there as preying on vulnerable people, too.)

Kevin Duffy

seenitall wrote: »

Then your problem with it goes back to coco lola's original assertion, really. I do think you are being naive if you think that there are no people out there using lines exactly like that one to reel in people with low self esteem for their own purposes. If what they really mean is "I just want to have sex with you, and nothing more, ever!". But spelling it out like that would make the hook-up less likely.

(Playing a bit of a devil's advocate here against myself, because I really hold to the personal responsibility in that kind of situation, actually, but there is such a thing out there as preying on vulnerable people, too.)

I can tell you, it's certainly not that.
You're right in part, the origin of the problem I see with it does go back to the OP's statement on it, which suggests that the honesty about the outcome is always a pre-emptive strike to make hand-washing easier.

seenitall

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I can tell you, it's certainly not that.
You're right in part, the origin of the problem I see with it does go back to the OP's statement on it, which suggests that the honesty about the outcome is always a pre-emptive strike to make hand-washing easier.

I doesn't happen always, but it happens, and that's what those posts were about; therefore saying it is horribly judgmental to say intentionally misleading people are dicks, is, well... it doesn't make much sense to my moral compass, but sure, everyone is entitled to their own.

Kevin Duffy

seenitall wrote: »

I doesn't happen always, but it happens, and that's what those posts were about; therefore saying it is horribly judgmental to say intentionally misleading people are dicks, is, well... it doesn't make much sense to my moral compass, but sure, everyone is entitled to their own.

Eh, back up the truck there. In the OP, the suggestion was that men were being honest as some sort of device to ensure an easy exit later on, there was no intentional misleading going on. What I'm suggesting is judgemental is seeing that as "dick" behaviour. Would dishonestly promising to be around forever, then leaving and pretending things had changed be more acceptable?

Ickle Magoo

I'm not sure they were...

I read

...guys that constantly use the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" to use women for their own needs

to mean those like my ex-flatmate who were perfectly happy to have a relationship anytime they found a girl they were more interested in but found that particular line useful in the interim for keeping those girls who thought it was a temporary thing/they could change his mind/"fix him" coming back while being brutally honest that he wasn't interested in them beyond scratching an itch wouldn't.

I'm sure it's arguable how often that happens but it certainly happens...and those are the ones I presumed the OP & Wibbs were referring to...?

Kevin Duffy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm not sure they were...

I read to mean those like my ex-flatmate who were perfectly happy to have a relationship anytime they found a girl they were more interested in but found that particular line useful in the interim for keeping those girls who thought it was a temporary thing/they could change his mind/"fix him" coming back while being brutally honest that he wasn't interested in them beyond scratching an itch wouldn't.

So the lad was upfront about where it was going and the girls were stupid enough to think they knew better or could change him. How is this an example of him being a dick?

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm sure it's arguable how often that happens but it certainly happens...and those are the ones I presumed the OP & Wibbs were referring to...?

I wasn't saying it doesn't happen, I'm arguing with the generalised interpretation laying the blame at the door of men who are candid about the likely outcome of the relationship.

seenitall

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Eh, back up the truck there. In the OP, the suggestion was that men were being honest as some sort of device to ensure an easy exit later on, there was no intentional misleading going on. What I'm suggesting is judgemental is seeing that as "dick" behaviour. Would dishonestly promising to be around forever, then leaving and pretending things had changed be more acceptable?

Even honesty can be employed as a device for manipulation and stringing someone along, actually. When a person is a good pychologist/manipulator, they can make even "I'm a hateful dick" sound like, dunno, "I'm an honest soul"/"I'm telling you this because I care"/"I'm misunderstood really but you understand". The trick for them is to know their audience. It will only fly with a certain kind of person.

If you know what I mean, all well and good. If you don't, no matter. Difference of opinion.

Kevin Duffy

seenitall wrote: »

Even honesty can be employed as a device for manipulation and stringing someone along, actually. When a person is a good pychologist/manipulator, they can make even "I'm a hateful dick" sound like, dunno, "I'm an honest soul"/"I'm telling you this because I care"/"I'm misunderstood really but you understand". The trick for them is to know their audience. It will only fly with a certain kind of person.

If you know what I mean, all well and good. If you don't, no matter. Difference of opinion.

Any idea how patronising that comes across? If I don't agree, that doesn't mean I don't understand.

Ickle Magoo

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

So the lad was upfront about where it was going and the girls were stupid enough to think they knew better or could change him. How is this an example of him being a dick?

Lol, no...he wasn't being upfront...that's the point - and he'd be the first one to tell you that, think you're just looking to be insulted at this stage!

He was perfectly happy to be in a relationship, infact if memory serves, he was in a relationship...he also liked stringing a lot of other ladies along. Look he's a friend, I'm not trying to paint him as a monster, I'm just using him as an example of someone who uses the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship" when infact they knowingly have no issues with being in a relationship - they are just using that line and it's connotations to ensure the benefits remain on-tap.

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I wasn't saying it doesn't happen, I'm arguing with the generalised interpretation laying the blame at the door of men who are candid about the likely outcome of the relationship.

As above, there is clearly a difference (which I've argued myself if you read the thread) between genuinely considering yourself in the wrong place/head-space for a relationship and blatantly lying to someone to try to ensure you can have your cake and eat it.

seenitall

Ah jaysus, of all the times to say that to me! (I will freely admit that I can come across biting or patronising when the blood is up, but this truly isn't one of the times when it would be even half-intended! )

I normally really respect and enjoy your contribution on boards, just disagree this time. No offence meant.

phoenix833

coco_lola wrote: »

it states that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will go to any lengths to do so, simple as.

I'm a guy and I 100% agree with this. I met a girl before christmas and was I very interested,first time in a while actually, went on a date and unless I'm useless at reading signals or she was a brilliant actress she was interested in me too.

Christmas came along, she went home for almost a month and when she came back she'd gotten back with her ex-boyfriend. Or so she says...:D

Obviously I was disappointed but I wished her luck because I was ready for a new relationship but IMO if she went back to her ex there was obviously still some feelings there and so wouldn't really have been in a position to have a relationship with me.

In a normal circumstance minus the ex boyfriend I definitely would have tried my utmost to get something going. I think it's a fine line to walk though...to seem interested but not infatuated and coming across as needy/incessant.

Kevin Duffy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Lol, no...he wasn't being upfront...that's the point - and he'd be the first one to tell you that, think you're just looking to be insulted at this stage!

He was perfectly happy to be in a relationship, infact if memory serves, he was in a relationship...he also liked stringing a lot of other ladies along. Look he's a friend, I'm not trying to paint him as a monster, I'm just using him as an example of someone who uses the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship" when infact they knowingly have no issues with being in a relationship - they are just using that line and it's connotations to ensure the benefits remain on-tap.



As above, there is clearly a difference (which I've argued myself if you read the thread) between genuinely considering yourself in the wrong place/head-space for a relationship and blatantly lying to someone to try to ensure you can have your cake and eat it.

Throwing in a little attacking the poster? Poor form. I nowhere said or implied I was insulted by the arguments advanced, I just disagreed with them and the ensuing generalisation. You've also shifted the goalposts of your story by adding more about your flatmate. Even with that addition though, it doesn't change the fact that while he is a dick for cheating, take away his relationship status and the "Not ready for...." bit wouldn't matter, it can still be true. For the generalisation that anyone saying it is a dick, it would have to be a device everytime it's said, which it's not.

seenitall wrote: »

Ah jaysus, of all the times to say that to me! (I will freely admit that I can come across biting or patronising when the blood is up, but this truly isn't one of the times when it would be even half-intended! )

I normally really respect and enjoy your contribution on boards, just disagree this time. No offence meant.

Fair enough, if it wasn't meant, no hard feelings. Glad you normally like my contribution. Thanks for saying so and hope you do again.

panda100

coco_lola wrote: »

However, do any of you believe that there are guys out there that, even if they truly do have feelings for a girl, are genuinely just not in the right place for a relationship (due to bad past relationships, etc) and it's a case of bad timing? Or is it a general consensus that even if a guy feels as if he's not ready, when he meets a girl he wants to be with, he will just be with her no matter what?

I can only speak on my own behalf as a women, but If I want to be with someone I will be with them,it really doesnt matter what state Im in emotionally,physically or otherwise. I have used the old 'Im not in the right place for a relationship right now' excuse, but If I'm being truthful it was because I just didn't want to commit to that particular person. Sometimes its just kinder to say that then to say to someone your just not into them.

If the person is right then the timing,no matter what your going through,will always be right.

Ickle Magoo

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Throwing in a little attacking the poster? Poor form. I nowhere said or implied I was insulted by the arguments advanced, I just disagreed with them and the ensuing generalisation.

Exactly my point, what generalisation? It's only you seeing no difference between someone who genuinely isn't in the right head-space for a relationship and is being honest about that and someone who lies and says they aren't to wilfully deceive whatever unfortunate is daft enough to want a relationship with them but would drop them quicker than a hot snot if they were told the relationship had zero prospects ever.

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

You've also shifted the goalposts of your story by adding more about your flatmate. Even with that addition though, it doesn't change the fact that while he is a dick for cheating, take away his relationship status and the "Not ready for...." bit wouldn't matter, it can still be true. For the generalisation that anyone saying it is a dick, it would have to be a device everytime it's said, which it's not.

Not really, either way he was quite aware of what he was doing and he was quite aware he was lying and manipulating to get more of his own way. Again, I don't see the generalisation in terms of anyone who is not ready for a relationship. People who lie in order to manipulate and coerce other people into staying in situations they wouldn't if they knew the whole truth are leaving themselves open to criticism and being called dicks, if you ask me...some even put their hands up to it, like my mate.

CathyMoran

My husband and I met 2 years before we first started dating but by that stage I had fallen in love with someone who almost was the one for me (he is still a friend) and I did feel that I needed time to get over him. The song Patience by Take That describes how I felt at the time so yes I understand that it can be truthful.

atila

There's no easy way to turn someone down, you can try to "give a reason" but many people will reach for a stock one like this that is as gentle a way as they can find for a delicate situation. Im not sure there is such a state as being ready for a relationship, or not ready, dont they just sort of happen imperceptively over time, either you grow closer to someone or you dont. (unless that is your American where its hard to distinguish a date from an interview! )

Lia_lia

Some people just don't like being in relationships, so use that line as an easy way out. I have done it before, it's not just guys that say it! I have really, really liked people and get on really well with them, but simply can't go out with them. Nothing to do with the person, just myself. Can't do relationships, they make me go mad.

Fluorescence

Previous relationships didn't work out for me because I was never really in the right headspace for them (though I couldn't see that at the time). My first boyfriend had to dump me because I didn't realise I was becoming aloof and reclusive from him.

In another relationship, I had to break it off with the guy because I was finally starting to understand that I really wasn't ready for such an attachment. I just enjoyed getting my ego stroked (it shames me deeply to say). The poor man kept trying to win me back, convinced it was something he had done, something that was his fault. I had to have a really long heart to heart with him to try to make him see that I wasn't churning out clichés; it wasn't him, it was me. Alas I ruined a very strong friendship in doing so.

So now I'm more than content to remain single while I focus on myself. I used to think that was being selfish, but now I realise it's more selfish to get into a relationship I'm totally unready and unsuited for. So yeah, I tell people who ask me out the truth. It's just a shame that they think I'm lying to spare their feelings

People who lead others on though and aren't explicit about their wish to remain single are utter scumbags.

IrishEyes19

I really dont think there is a black and white answer to this.

Personally I do believe peoples backgrounds and emotional states at the time will affect how they act and get into a relationship. But Im a great believer in...if its meant to be, it is.

The words "Im just not ready or I cant commit," are often too easy to say when you wish to spare feelings. True, sometimes that may be the case, but at the end of the day, if you want to be with that person and love them, I do believe you'll give it a shot because losing them would be the worst thing of all.

Communication is the key here. you need to establish where you both are at, so that no-one is left hurt or confused. And if you want more, and they dont. Leave the relationship. If its meant to be, they will come back when they are ready. I really think too many people stick around believing they will convince and change that person's mind or think a late night text a few weeks later on a saturday night saying how they miss you, means a total turn around.

Personally Ive learnt from past experiences to walk away from a situation if you cant meet each others terms and compromise otherwise you will spend a lifetime waiting for someone to commit.

sam34

I've used it and meant it. it was at a time when I had come out of a seriously toxic relationship and, to put it mildly, my head was wrecked. I just couldn't contemplate getting involved with anyone else at the time, despite a genuinely lovely guy expressing an interest.

Seomra Mushie

I had a period of serious illness a few years ago, with a fair few nasty complications that would definitely have impacted on sex life. The last thing I would have wanted at that time was a boyfriend. It would have no way to begin a relationship. If I had met someone special during that time, I would have used the line and really meant it.

Who knows what someone's reason for saying it is?

dancesatnight

personally im not ready for a realtionship i was with a girl wout i loved with all of my being but things didnt work out. she then strung me along with the idea of getting back to kill time till she found someone whoturned out to be a dud surprise surpise. im not time a time out from realtionships to get my head sorted i dont lie to girls i example when the question comes up where this is going i simply say im not ready for one i want to deal with the issue i have and not drag my problems in to a new realtionship. it totally up to them what they do. one or two have gone ok and ive never heard a thing back other are like ok right well this is something we can work at slowly so and we take a step back and get to know each other much better. i dont want to be hurt as much as i was again. i know it could happen and im enjoying single life for the moment. the grand i had saved to spend my ex at christmas was used for good for me but not my liver i think i was out every night lol. i dont think its selfish of someone to say sorry im not ready for a realtionship. i also belive that yes if i a guy is head over heels for a girl he will stick around in the back ground and see how things pan out. but i also think a lot of people use people to pass the time till some thing better comes along

ash23

I'm unsure on this. I agree that to a certain extent a guy or girl will go to great lengths for a person they are mad about. So on that basis, if I've been seeing a guy for a while and he's very "meh" about the whole thing then it's a case of he's not into me and move on from him.

However, I have had phases where I have not been interested in a relationship. For a good while after I got dumped when I got pregnant and then when my last LTR ended in him cheating.
I'm on the fence now and if I met someone I was mad about or if I fell in love, I'd want a relationship. But I'm finding it hard to allow myself to get to that stage of being mad about someone or falling in love. I normally restrict myself to brief, unsuitable flings because I know they're doomed and it means I don't have to allow myself to get into that frame of mind of wanting to be with someone I care about.

All in all, it's far more complex than "he's not that into you".
In short I don't get involved because I don't want a relationship/amn't ready. But I think people who do get involved longer term (weeks/months) and are still pr!cking around with "I'm not ready" are just total time wasters and are not interested.
If you're genuinely not ready for a relationship it's unlikely you'll spend enough time with someone to cod them into thinking it's heading that way. You'll be gone way before it gets to that point. In my opinion.

CathyMoran

Thinking about this again - in my case I stayed with the relationship as the person was too wonderful to miss but it was very hard. I still believe that you can be genuinely not ready for a relationship.

LegacyUser

Ever had someone say 'I'm not ready for a relationship' with you and then within weeks/months they're deep in a relationship with someone else? It's happened to me, my friends... oh and I've also been the person saying it. Healthy people rarely let a good thing go.

Of course it's still possible to not be ready for a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, but if someone is really amazing, you'll still give it a shot... even if your baggage makes it dysfunctional.

sam34

lookinginthemirror wrote: »

Of course it's still possible to not be ready for a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, but if someone is really amazing, you'll still give it a shot... even if your baggage makes it dysfunctional.

speak for yourself, please.

Wibbs

lookinginthemirror wrote: »

Of course it's still possible to not be ready for a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, but if someone is really amazing, you'll still give it a shot... even if your baggage makes it dysfunctional.

Just speaking personally here, but if I felt I was anyway dysfunctional due to baggage, or not in a good place emotionally, or in bad health or financially dubious then why on earth would I pull someone else into that? Someone I might care for? Frankly it simply does not compute for me and appears(again to me) very self centered. Very "feck anyone else I'll just run on my needs as they turn up". That to me is not love, nor a good foundation for it. For me it's the crotch speaking, not the heart or mind.

Amy33

He means "I'm just not ready for a relationship ......with you"