Do men lose their freedom after marriage

dilbert2

From what I have seen, both in the real world and in the media, it seems that men lose a lot of freedom upon becoming married/ becoming husbands. Not only are they tied to one woman and bound by many other obligations, but it seems that many, if not most become child like, seeking their wives permission to go places, where they can go, who they can see (friends and family), how to spend their money etc.

Not that all men are in this predicament of course, but from what I've seen in the majority of cases is that upon getting married, most men lose an awful lot of freedom. Would you agree?

Phoenix Park

Of course not. I'd give you a more detailed reply but my wife won't let me.

Kiera

dilbert2 wrote: »

From what I have seen, both in the real world and in the media, it seems that women lose a lot of freedom upon becoming married/ becoming wives. Not only are they tied to one man and bound by many other obligations, but it seems that many, if not most become child like, seeking their husbands permission to go places, where they can go, who they can see (friends and family), how to spend their money etc.

Not that all women are in this predicament of course, but from what I've seen in the majority of cases is that upon getting married, most women lose an awful lot of freedom. Would you agree?

FYP

Biggins

No, not if they don't want it to be.
What is compromised (and I do it willingly) is the allocation of time of self-interests to sometimes the greater good of other matters such as concerns/care/love of another and their desires too.

I have lost time sometimes to my own things to do/chase but what I have gained in overall replacement, for me - makes it all worthwhile no question.

Siuin

Depends on what they're intending to do :P

Oranage2

Don't you mean 'after divorce' and don't you mean 'house and kids'?

Son Of A Vidic

dilbert2 wrote: »

but it seems that many, if not most become child like, seeking their wives permission to go places,

So therefore why would you even attempt to call these meek sheep...'Men' then?

dilbert2 wrote: »

Not that all men are in this predicament of course

Correct.

stupidusername

yeah of course they do, just like women never want to have sex once they're married.

stereotyping for all!

imitation

Some men (and women too) aren't independent though, they start out being guided around by the parents, and then Teachers, then what ever gang of friends they fall in with. When finally meet there other half they just keep going with the flow.

I would have definitely classed myself like this when I was younger, I would either defer to somebody else for something to do or just sit on my hands (aka play video games etc). I never really pushed my friends to going out or arranged trips etc.

To sum it up, some people will give out about there OH bossing them around, but in reality they would be lost without them. And then somebody are just married to knobs who do boss them around, such is life.

JOSman

It's way worse than that, you lose your everything. As time goes by you lose more and more, including respect, self esteem.
If you could only have the same status as the local drunk you'd be doing well.;)

whydoibother?

dilbert2 wrote: »

From what I have seen, both in the real world and in the media, it seems that men lose a lot of freedom upon becoming married/ becoming husbands. Not only are they tied to one woman and bound by many other obligations, but it seems that many, if not most become child like, seeking their wives permission to go places, where they can go, who they can see (friends and family), how to spend their money etc.

Not that all men are in this predicament of course, but from what I've seen in the majority of cases is that upon getting married, most men lose an awful lot of freedom. Would you agree?

The language of this post would make you think that the man had been the victim of a crime - kidnapped and tied up or some such. All the verbs make the man seem so passive - lose, bound, seeking permission... Marriage is a choice.

Marriage is basically a long-term commitment to live with somebody else and coordinate your life with them, so yeah, people do have to discuss their plans with the other instead of charging off making unilateral decisions. Why does a partner ask permission to go places? Generally, because there are children that need looking after and if one is away the other one has to be at home. So if a person is requiring their partner to be at home, surely it is only polite to check that that's ok. I'm assuming we've moved past the stage of assuming one partners default location is in the home anyway so there wouldn't be a need to ask.;)

Family finances are also planned together, so that needs to be talked about too. How one person spends money will affect the others life.

If a person has a problem with any of this, then DON'T GET MARRIED. A person getting married and then resenting their spouse for expecting them to behave like a married person is so childish and unfair. If a person sees marriage as a negative because they want their freedom to remain the same, they shouldn't do it. Lying to themselves and pretending life will be the same but with a wedding cert. is so naive and unfair to the other.

Biggins

whydoibother? wrote: »

The language of this post would make you think that the man had been the victim of a crime - kidnapped and tied up or some such. All the verbs make the man seem so passive - lose, bound, seeking permission... Marriage is a choice.

Marriage is basically a long-term commitment to live with somebody else and coordinate your life with them, so yeah, people do have to discuss their plans with the other instead of charging off making unilateral decisions. Why does a partner ask permission to go places? Generally, because there are children that need looking after and if one is away the other one has to be at home. So if a person is requiring their partner to be at home, surely it is only polite to check that that's ok. I'm assuming we've moved past the stage of assuming one partners default location is in the home anyway so there wouldn't be a need to ask.;)

Family finances are also planned together, so that needs to be talked about too. How one person spends money will affect the others life.

If a person has a problem with any of this, then DON'T GET MARRIED. A person getting married and then resenting their spouse for expecting them to behave like a married person is so childish and unfair. If a person sees marriage as a negative because they want their freedom to remain the same, they shouldn't do it. Lying to themselves and pretending life will be the same but with a wedding cert. is so naive and unfair to the other.

Exceptionally well said.
Best post of the day so far!

stovelid

If men "lose their freedom" after marriage, it's often because of the people in the relationship - whether it's the woman or even the man - not the institution itself.

One things I've noticed sometimes is that when a guy settles down with a woman and cuts down on lad time of his own volition, his wife often gets all the flak for "not letting him out".

In my experience, some of the bitching about married friends (or friends with kids) comes from single (or childless) people that just have their own social convenience in mind.

Callan57

Generally referred to as growing up

MrFrisp

My Wife said "No,they don't"...:D








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bronte

I really hate the insinuation that people who aren't married aren't "grown ups"

Ickle Magoo

Is it not beyond fecking obvious that a couple, with shared income, bills, responsibilities and life would both have less freedom to do what they want when they want, than when they were single?

HugoBradyBrown

Not if they marry other men, they don't!

bnt

I'm not married, but it occurs to me that I wouldn't mind giving up some of my "freedoms" for the privilege. I have my work and my interests, but other aspects of my life could benefit from being taken over by a wife. Clothes, for example, or food, or domestic matters. But it would need to be clearly understood that some things I do are not subject to negotiation, or are only amenable to logic. "I want ... " or " ... because I said so" don't work on such things, and arguing about them only makes me more pig-headed, so a wife would need to understand that and back off, in the interests of domestic harmony.

stovelid

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Is it not beyond fecking obvious that a couple, with shared income, bills, responsibilities and life would both have less freedom to do what they want when they want, than when they were single?

Look at the forum you're in.

flutterflye

I don't see what marraige has to do with anything.

Myself and my husband both lost our freedom around the time we had our first child - but we weren't married then.
We've been together 11 years, and have lived together and had kids for 9 years, but only got married a few months ago.

I actually think both of us have more freedom now, as kids are that bit older.

KittyeeTrix

I think some might lose some freedom early on in the relationship when kids are younger.

I know this happened when we had kids early on in the relationship. We did however make time to go out with our own mates separately...

My husband however has to be pushed out the door to his mates and yes I got the comment about "letting him out":mad:

Just this week I was out on Wed and Thurs night with college friends and came home Friday in time to see him off to his mates house for beers and the Ireland match.
He rang me last night to say he was having great time and I told him he needs to get out more and have fun with his buddies

spurious

bronte wrote: »

I really hate the insinuation that people who aren't married aren't "grown ups"

I agree, but people who are married and think they can just carry on as if they are single, moaning about feeling restricted by their partner's needs or wants need to 'grow up'.

saa

Of course if you marry a bítch she will tell you you're not allowed out, like my partners brother was told he couldn't go out because his missus took the baby out and got wet in the rain, about 4 hours before he headed out. My partner has lost friends from wives telling their men who they can be friends with, pathetic and it's abusive.

If a man told me where I could go what I could do that would be controlling and damaging, how can you be happy under those conditions.

Although lack of freedom from the living situation, its a given i.e sharing space, bills.

Freedom to go out and do what you want whilst being respectful doesnt go out the window you have to have your own lives, can't just go out/stay in together all the time, well you can but that's a loss of freedom

hatrickpatrick

Marriage is a bad deal for men because divorce laws are so incredibly stacked in favour of wives.
Marriage is not a two way commitment. It's a commitment from a man to a woman. A woman can break it up and actually get rewarded for it with custody and with spousal support payments from the guy she dumped. A man can't break it up without going through hell.

Even if you trust someone completely, that's not the point. It's a matter of principle - I wouldn't want to support or endorse an institution which is so utterly misandrist. Equality should mean equality in all areas.

I think it won't be an issue for too much longer though. Family law is going to have to be completely overhauled in the not too distant future or the institution of marriage will die. I always laugh when I hear guys accused of "Fearing commitment" - does it ever cross those people's mind that what he actually fears is signing a contract which gives all of the cards to the other party?

Ickle Magoo

So is that not divorce is a bad deal for men, then? I'm not following how a man who is happy in marriage all his life is ever affected by skewed family law?

John Doe1

A women's sole purpouse is to destroy the individual identity of a man and emasculate them. Also they have cooties, ewwww

Doc Ruby

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Marriage is a bad deal for men because divorce laws are so incredibly stacked in favour of wives.
Marriage is not a two way commitment. It's a commitment from a man to a woman. A woman can break it up and actually get rewarded for it with custody and with spousal support payments from the guy she dumped. A man can't break it up without going through hell.

This. DO NOT GET MARRIED. It doesn't actually add anything to your life that you wouldn't have if you were a reasonably mature person anyway, and it opens you to huge liabilities. Just ask yourself, what will it actually give me?

Nothing, thats what.

And plenty of women know well what the legislation states, and know how to use it.

Kojak

Marriage is only a con for people to get their hands on the other half's money. The only time you should get married is when the Oh has much more money (or assets) than you. So then in a divorce proceedings, you will make a net gain.

John Doe1

Kojak wrote: »

Marriage is only a con for people to get their hands on the other half's money. The only time you should get married is when the Oh has much more money (or assets) than you. So then in a divorce proceedings, you will make a net gain.

Gotta get dat pre-nup

Abi

Jesus, this thread got nasty fast. You see some posters mentioning their spouses, and family life and seem very contented. People like Biggins and Stovelid always come across like they're happy with their lot, I envy them tbh.

flutterflye

There are some very strange views and outlooks in this thread!! :eek:

Pherekydes

Kojak wrote: »

Marriage is only a con for people to get their hands on the other half's money. The only time you should get married is when the Oh has much more money (or assets) than you. So then in a divorce proceedings, you will make a net gain.

Of course if you don't get married the State will get a lot more of your OH's assets upon death.

I got divorced. I got the house, the kids and didn't pay a cent towards the divvy.

So those saying it's always the men who lose out are just plain wrong.

Pherekydes

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Marriage is a bad deal for men...

Marriage is not a deal, it's a partnership.

Doc Ruby

Pherekydes wrote: »

I got divorced. I got the house, the kids and didn't pay a cent towards the divvy.

So those saying it's always the men who lose out are just plain wrong.

And what would you say the legal state of being married added to your life while you were married?

Apologies to those who feel the thread has gotten nasty, but this is the hard cold reality being faced right now by many men across Ireland. If its nasty then so is reality.

philologos

dilbert2 wrote: »

From what I have seen, both in the real world and in the media, it seems that men lose a lot of freedom upon becoming married/ becoming husbands. Not only are they tied to one woman and bound by many other obligations, but it seems that many, if not most become child like, seeking their wives permission to go places, where they can go, who they can see (friends and family), how to spend their money etc.

You mean that once people get married that they care and consider the other person in making decisions that concerns them both? I wouldn't call that losing freedom I'd call that making reasonable compromises as there are 2 people to consider rather than 1?

When or if children arrive responsibilities are another factor.

Frank Black

Lose your freedom when you get married - er no.


Having kids, now that's a whole different ball game.

Pherekydes

Doc Ruby wrote: »

And what would you say the legal state of being married added to your life while you were married?

Security, from the State, rather than my wife.

stovelid

flutterflye wrote: »

There are some very strange views and outlooks in this thread!! :eek:

Some complete mongos, you mean.

Giblet

So you're single, and bored because your mate won't head out for a drink?

Latchy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Is it not beyond fecking obvious that a couple, with shared income, bills, responsibilities and life would both have less freedom to do what they want when they want, than when they were single?

Indeed , you only have to look at some celebrity marriages to see that in many cases , having plenty of money also equals freedom to go out whenever and have a good time 'all the time ' which usually results in the divorce courts simply because to much freedom to do as one pleases by both sides can be the worst kind of recipe for any marraige .

spurious wrote: »

I agree, but people who are married and think they can just carry on as if they are single, moaning about feeling restricted by their partner's needs or wants need to 'grow up'.

Which also suggests there are a lot of married people who aren't really commited to or understand the whole concept of what marraige is supposed to be all about .

dilbert2

Callan57 wrote: »

Generally referred to as growing up

How is accepting a loss of personal freedom "growing up"?

PeefsPixie

Seeing the negative views of marriage on here is actually kind of sad. Im almost 21 and Id love to get married in the future... Id gladly sign a pre nup if it was that big of a deal but Id be hurt if I was asked because I would never want to take anything that wasnt mine even if things went wrong. I just look forward to the love and security of having someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. They can go out and do what they want as long as they respect me and my freedom equally. Marriage isnt any kind of trap =(

lazygal

No. Why would they? Do women?

I was out with my friends last night, my husband knew I was heading out and said have a good time. He didn't know where I was going or what time I'd be home out. He's out tonight with his mates, again I haven't a clue where he's headed to (nor do I really care) and he'll come home when he's done, as long as he doesn't make too much noise coming in I don't care what time he calls it a night. Tomorrow we'll have a night out the two of us, next weekend who knows?

SOME people might think "We're married, he/she should be reigning in the nights out" but that's bull. We have a baby on the way which means the social life will go downhill a bit for a while but that's why we don't mind having a good old time together or separately for now.

I know my husband doesn't feel like he's lost his freedom and neither do I. We love being married and it was our choice to solemise our relationship and vow to spend our lives together. So far its only been a good thing for our relationship and I can't imagine my husband or me having some of the negative attitudes about marriage I read here and on other forums on Boards. If marriage is not for you, don't do it, but don't assume everyone else shouldn't do it either and that its all bad.

kupus

flutterflye wrote: »

There are some very strange views and outlooks in this thread!! :eek:

No there is not,
Run just run,
quickly before she finds you and you have to go shopping for shoes and you have to be the guy sitting beside all the other guys on the couch while you're putting your shoes on.............
And yes each of us give the secret head nod to each other, its very subtle and if you dont know what your looking for you'll miss it

flutterflye

kupus wrote: »

No there is not,
Run just run,
quickly before she finds you and you have to go shopping for shoes and you have to be the guy sitting beside all the other guys on the couch while you're putting your shoes on.............
And yes each of us give the secret head nod to each other, its very subtle and if you dont know what your looking for you'll miss it

Eh, firstly, I am a girl, in a heterosexual marraige!

Secondly, that whole girl dragging guys around shops while they try on various items for them that you see in movies - I have never witnessed this in real life.

And thirdly - Wtf are you on about? Are you high???!

lazygal

flutterflye wrote: »

Secondly, that whole girl dragging guys around shops while they try on various items for them that you see in movies - I have never witnessed this in real life.

Huge +1 on the "Oh, the ball and chain has you out shopping" nonsense. Not every girl spends hours shopping for shoes and bags. I'm not very keen on shopping at all, so I tend to buy online or give myself an hour after work to find what I need on my own. Spending a Saturday shopping is my idea of hell, and I know himself feels the same.

Biggins

kupus wrote: »

...each of us give the secret head nod to each other, its very subtle and if you dont know what your looking for you'll miss it

Two words.

"Pure cobblers."

psychward

yes men who get married have the potential to be screwed royally. be very careful about such a legal contract and treat it very seriously. its supposed to be all about emotion however someone slips a legal contract in there and that's a discordent note unless you adopt a legal mindset towards such a thing.

Bride2012

People get married to make a commitment, not set up a prison. Marriage is important in the legal sense if you've kids because Irish law needs to be updated e.g. if an unmarried father is caring for a child and he/she has an accident and needs to go to hospital for emergency surgery, legaly he isn't considered next of kin and can't give consent for that surgery.

psychward

Bride2012 wrote: »

People get married to make a commitment, not set up a prison. Marriage is important in the legal sense if you've kids because Irish law needs to be updated e.g. if an unmarried father is caring for a child and he/she has an accident and needs to go to hospital for emergency surgery, legaly he isn't considered next of kin and can't give consent for that surgery.

what if his name is on the birth cert ?