Bf secretly filmed us?

sweetie12

What would you do if you found a video on your bf's pc that he secretly took of us it was an icon on his desk top beside others with photos he wanted printed but clicked into it thinking it wud be more pics,how wrong i was...

I am a friend

I would think I would go to the guards.

Firetrap

I assume we're talking intimate photos here? Yeah, I'd consider that to be a betrayal of trust.

sarahbro

Dump him quick!! Just Make sure it's deleted first and gone from the recycle bin, history etc.
Personally i would throw in a slap too!
What a creep!

Hope you're ok x

sweetie12

it was a video of us being intimate,he said he did it for his own pleasure I'm all confused it's not like i'm a prude or anything.

Taltos

sarahbro - Violence of any nature is strictly not tolerated on this forum.
If you have not already done so please familiarise yourself with our Charter.

Taltos

sarahbro

Taltos wrote: »

sarahbro - Violence of any nature is strictly not tolerated on this forum.
If you have not already done so please familiarise yourself with our Charter.

Taltos

Sorry

I am a friend

It's very wrong!! You need to make sure there is only one video and not more.

sweetie12

Ye I know it was a serious shock we are together ages,thanks for the advice!

sweetie12

p.s does anyone have any opinion why he would do it?

Firetrap

sweetie12 wrote: »

it was a video of us being intimate,he said he did it for his own pleasure I'm all confused it's not like i'm a prude or anything.

:eek::eek:

I can't even begin to imagine how shocked you must feel. What a horrible, sneaky thing for him to do. I know if I was in your shoes, I'd dump him straight away. Betrayal of trust like that is a red card in my book.

The worrying thing about this is that you don't know how many other videos he has made and if he has backups made of them

LittleBook

OP, someone will be along here soon with the technical information you need to make sure that it's completely deleted and make sure that there are no other "videos" hidden on his PC.

I have no idea why he would do something like this. I can only guess that he thought it was a bit of fun which means he's a completely immature, selfish, uncaring, cruel @sshole.

In this day and age, this kind of thing is not unheard of, which actually means there is no innocent excuse for doing it and thinking it would be OK. NOBODY who owns a camera and a PC can use the excuse "I didn't see the harm in it" anymore, no-one can claim they thought it was just a bit of fun.

Ensure that everything pertaining to you on that PC is deleted, do what you can to make sure there no copies anywhere and leave this man. This is an unforgiveable betrayal in my mind.

sweetie12

yea i would really love to be able check for anymore but i only know the basics with pc's and he knows that. im freaked out that it has been posted somewher else. why wud u save it to desktop is it easier to transfer from there or anything sorry thats probably a stupid question.

Distorted

sweetie12 wrote: »

p.s does anyone have any opinion why he would do it?

Well, thats what would be worrying me and why I would definately go to the Guards no matter what excuses he comes up with.

The point of filming is to enable the viewing of the subject of filming at a later stage. You have no control over who sees this. I don't want to scare you, but its worrying to think that he might have shown it to others, or even put it up on a site somewhere.

If it were just for his own private use, surely he would have asked your permission?

Aside from this, its such an invasion of privacy, you have to dump him.

baggypants

my god that is shocking , im just going to echo what everyone else is saying make sure the video is deleted and that there are no copies then delete him from your life god knows what else he would do on you

LegacyUser

Your story reminds me of something that happened me years ago.

I was living with my partner of nearly 5 years.

One day in the apartment, I was blow drying my hair, as per usual, when this overwhelming feeling of "check the camera in the drawer" came into my head/gut. Id no suspicions of about him - Id never used the camera - never crossed my mind.

I put down the hairdryer. Opened the drawer. Picked up the camera. Switched it on. Remember I still wasnt quite sure what I was looking for-let alone what I was about to find.

I found numerous films of me and him having sex. Id no idea. Also, there were a few of me in the shower (I wear contacts/glasses-Id no idea) and the bath.

Je*us. The thoughts of it now still make me sick. So, after nearly melting into a puddle, I managed some how to think it through and realised he possibly copied/put it somewhere else. Switched on laptop. Found the movies. Shocked again. More thinking. Went through DVDs etc - found 2 copies.

I hadnt said anything to him yet at this stage. I wanted to see just how devious he was. So I confronted him about the films. Yes, said he found them exciting lalalala. I asked him if there were any copies. He denied it. But of course I knew better.

Needless to say OP, the relationship went down hill, and finished quickly after that. He has abused your trust and personal privacy. I couldnt bare my partner even touching me after what happened. Made me thing, if he goes to the lenghts to do this to someone he is supposed to love, what else is he capable of?

C-J

You poor girl. A relationship should be built on trust and your boyfriend has just undermined the whole basis of your relationship.

Miss Fluff

The fact that you had no knowledge of this is so deeply disturbing. Have you any idea of how long ago it was filmed? I don't want to freak you out but goodness only knows where and to whom he has dsitributed this - I'm not scare mongering, it's just that he has already proved himself to be an out and out scumbag so it's a very real possibility.

Personally I'd be taking possession of his laptop. No questions asked. He's a deceitful liar so even assurances that he has deleted the video wouldn't mean anything, I'd want to see it for myself. If that means destroying the hard-drive or what have you then so be it.

Have you a friend who is an IT Engineer whom you could enlist to do that?

What a creep, I hope you've dumped his sorry ass...

Distorted

I'd actually take the laptop direct to the Guards. They have ways of tracing what he has done with this illegally obtained film. You don't want to give him a chance to destroy the evidence.

floorpie

Would the gardai do anything or would you just be losing your laptop for a while (serious question)?

Get someone who knows what they're doing with PC's, save the internet history for each browser for one thing, search for all videos and pictures on it, and, just on the tiny off chance, search google for the filename of the video.

Chances are it was just a slight lapse in judgement, on his part, and he isn't some sort of mastermind, but it does sound very upsetting.

Distorted wrote:

If it were just for his own private use, surely he would have asked your permission

He might not have asked because he knew it'd be private. I wouldn't *assume* it's been shared.

Firetrap

You can't assume anything. The hope would be that it was just a lapse in judgement but you've got to wonder about someone who does a thing like this without his partner's consent. I don't want to put the frighteners on you but copies of that file could be anywhere. USB key, online storage, porno versions of YouTube. You need to have a serious chat with him about this. And hope he is truthful. Really all you can do is hope he is trustworthy and if he destroys the file, that he hasn't sneaky backups somewhere

Miss Fluff

Firetrap wrote: »

You need to have a serious chat with him about this. And hope he is truthful. Really all you can do is hope he is trustworthy and if he destroys the file, that he hasn't sneaky backups somewhere

The problem is Firetrap is that he's already proven that he is anything but trustworthy. While she will never know re distribution to third parties or storing on a USB, she should at least take possession of his laptop I reckon.

Firetrap

I don't see what the point of taking his laptop is. Horse, stable door and bolted come to mind.

OS119

Miss Fluff wrote: »

...she should at least take possession of his laptop I reckon.

in a world of bunny boiling nutcases, perhaps.

'taking possession' of his laptop is called theft, and its a criminal offence punishable by imprisonment. the BF has, as far as i'm aware, committed no offence - he has, in his own home, taken video images of himself and another consenting adult having sex. when its in his home, he has no legal need to ask permision to take those images. the OP, nor anyone else, has any evidence that he has distributed the images to other people (while its not unknown for people to distribute images of themselves and ex partners, its less common for them to do so with images of current partners).

the OP may be unhappy, she can ask her BF - or ex BF - to delete them, but she has no legal right to demand he do so, or take possession of his recording or storage equipment to facilitate that request.

the OP has very little right to privacy in someone elses home, and even less when she's having consensual sex with him. this is not Charlies Angels or Friends where the law takes no interest in people stealing other peoples possessions - if the OP were to take any of the 'advice' being touted on here, she could well find herself facing charges of Criminal Damage or Theft, and all the 'sisters' on here would be long gone.

OP, by all means dump him, and by all means get a solicitor to send him a stiff letter outlining the inadvisability of him ever allowing other people to see the videos, but for Gods sake don't take an idiot pill and get yourself a Criminal Record and on YouTube.

Miss Fluff

OS119 wrote: »

the BF has, as far as i'm aware, committed no offence - he has, in his own home, taken video images of himself and another consenting adult having sex. when its in his home, he has no legal need to ask permision to take those images.

What? :eek:

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

the BF has, as far as i'm aware, committed no offence - he has, in his own home, taken video images of himself and another consenting adult having sex. when its in his home, he has no legal need to ask permision to take those images.

I'd say it worries the OP more that she can't trust her boyfriend, and not that he's done something illegal.

OP, have a chat with your boyfriend, tell him what he did was a huge abuse of your trust. Give him a really hard time about it. Make sure he deletes all copies. Then start over with him again if you can. Or leave him, it's up to you.

fungun

umm, although this is clearly not nice to find and does represent a breach of trust, i think the responses are a little over the top.

what if he likes pleasuring himself to a video of you rather than looking at porn. Maybe he thought you would say no to this, and just did it for himself.

Not nice, have a chat with him, but bringing the laptop to the gardai is so over the top its not funny.


PS Shift-delete deletes permanently. If you are on Win7 just click the start button and in the search button search for all files of this type (e.g. *.mp3) to see if there are any more

28064212

OS119 wrote: »

the BF has, as far as i'm aware, committed no offence - he has, in his own home, taken video images of himself and another consenting adult having sex. when its in his home, he has no legal need to ask permision to take those images.

Not so certain about that. On that basis, he could legally film guests in his house in the bathroom without their consent.

CrazyRabbit

OS119 wrote: »

in a world of bunny boiling nutcases, perhaps.

'taking possession' of his laptop is called theft, and its a criminal offence punishable by imprisonment. the BF has, as far as i'm aware, committed no offence - he has, in his own home, taken video images of himself and another consenting adult having sex. when its in his home, he has no legal need to ask permision to take those images. the OP, nor anyone else, has any evidence that he has distributed the images to other people (while its not unknown for people to distribute images of themselves and ex partners, its less common for them to do so with images of current partners).

Secretely filming another person while naked/engaged in erm, intimate activities is very much illegal.

OP...you can't trust this BF after he does something like this...I don't see how you can have a loving & trusting long term relationship after something like this.

As for removing the material, you'd need help from someone who is more technically knowledgeable. You cannot trust him to remove it, since you don't know how many times he has done this or where he has stored it.

Captain McDuck

Certainly a breach of trust and you have every right to be annoyed however "confiscating" the laptop and bringing it to the police is just extreme.

You need him to know how you feel he has steped over the line completely with this one.

But Only you know where you can go from here.

fungun

It seems like there is an underlying assumption he has posted these on the internet or shared them or sth.

Am actually really surprised that so many people think that in a long term reln taking a few sneaky pics of your lover is a red card offence without even some discussion as to why he did it.

sweetie12

Thank you all so much I'm gonna try to see is that the only video and copy and talk to him about it,It's all just insane to think he could have even asked me but just assumed i'd say no.

fungun

fungun wrote: »

Am actually really surprised that so many people think that in a long term reln taking a few sneaky pics of your lover is a red card offence without even some discussion as to why he did it.

Key word bolded there.

OP, check every possible place before you let him know you're on to him. In case you're not sure where to look, you want to look in all video files on his computer, look for any memory keys, DVDs, CDs, or on the camera itself.

fungun

Well I meant that in a 'sneaky pint' way rather than sneaky sneaky if you know what I mean!

Anyway, my advice would be to not over react. I understand the female side of it which feels the outrage of those pics being taken without your knowledge. All Im saying is that from a male perspective he may have seen it as no real big deal, certainly not that it was a red card offence.
With that in mind, I would talk to him before doing anything else. You have no reason not to trust that he wont tell you the truth although Im sure he will be embarrassed by it. If he is embarrassed and says sorry, then Id leave it at that - make sure he understands your hurt, but also dont do lasting damage to your reln over sth that in the larger scheme of things may be rather a small issue.

dellas1979

sweetie12 wrote: »

Thank you all so much I'm gonna try to see is that the only video and copy and talk to him about it,It's all just insane to think he could have even asked me but just assumed i'd say no.

You've already "ok'ed"/ justified/or have rationalised what he has done in your own head. What he did was plain and simple wrong. People come on here all the time asking questions which we cant answer or explain. In this case, what he did is wrong and offensive to you. I would be really astonished if that was the only copy. Be very careful. You have been warned.

PS: Be real - Its more than your boyfriend just being "sneaky" filming you having sex without your consent.

Sarn

I think sitting down and talking to him about why he did it and re-establishing the boundaries is called for.

Just one other thing. For someone wanting to hide such images in plain sight they just have to compress the files into a .zip, .rar, .7z etc and password protect them under a different name. It would make finding anything more difficult.

A0

sweetie12 wrote: »

What would you do if you found a video on your bf's pc that he secretly took of us it was an icon on his desk top beside others with photos he wanted printed but clicked into it thinking it wud be more pics,how wrong i was...

Dump him, straight in the bin. He's a weirdo.

Distorted

OK, better plan OP. Go to the Guards, and make an official complaint. Without telling your boyfriend you are onto him. They can confiscate his computer and get a search warrant to search for other evidence.

I would NOT take this lightly. I cannot believe some people are comparing it to having a "sneaky pint". Its an extremely pre-meditated action, and even if he hasn't distributed to others, leaves him with the potential to do so at any future point in time. Suggesting that you are over-reacting because you are female, and its harmless, simply isn't respectful of your rights as an individual. It isn't a male-female issue - I can imagine a homosexual male having exactly the same reaction.

Furthermore, if this tape ever does get out, it could be incredibly harmful to your reputation and indeed professionally as well. That is assuming it is not out there on some porn site already - you just don't know.

Distorted

fungun wrote: »

what if he likes pleasuring himself to a video of you rather than looking at porn. Maybe he thought you would say no to this, and just did it for himself.

What if other men are pleasuring themselves to it on the internet as well?

cos that sort of thing never happens, course it doesn't...

Firetrap

Are you recognisable on the tape, OP? In case the video ever does get out? Especially if you break up. I do wonder how many of the "amateur" videos on porn sites have been uploaded by one partner as revenge when they've broken up?

jam_mac_jam

I would delete it straight away or remove it from the laptop, I dont think you can go to the Gardai but make sure you get rid of it if you break up you dont want it surviving.

dafunk

Perhaps I would have a different view of this situation if it was my relationship but from an outside perspective, when I know nothing else about your boyfriend, (what a nice guy he might be, caring, funny etc etc), he sounds creepy. Filming you while you're having sex with him does not come across to me as sexy, flattering or in anyway innocent, it comes across as creepy, predatory and disturbing.

Perhaps if he'd asked you, you might have said yes but the fact that he said he didn't ask because he thought you'd say no makes it all the more disrespectful, he did it knowing (thinking) it was something you would say no to, i.e. something you wouldn't like.

I wouldn't be convinced he's put it on the internet, perhaps he has but men can be extremely possessive and jealous at the thought of other men getting off to their woman so if he's that type of guy then he probably hasn't.

To echo others, search the house for usbs, cameras, external hard drives, dvds etc. Take the laptop to someone who is competent to search it for both video files and for internet upload histories (he could have put copies on cloud storage for his own use ... ).

fungun

Distorted wrote: »

What if other men are pleasuring themselves to it on the internet as well?

cos that sort of thing never happens, course it doesn't...

As you say yourself:

you just don't know.

er...so what I am suggesting is to find this out. Then act. Not act before she knows the full facts.

Given what we have presented to date, it is possible this is a 10 year long reln where he is a fab bf, loves her dearly, loves pleasuring himself to pics of her but thought she would say no to it so just did it anyway.
And you are suggesting reporting him to the police for this?????? Seriously, have some perspective. Find out the truth first

It isn't a male-female issue - I can imagine a homosexual male having exactly the same reaction.

ummm, why would he have to be homosexual. As a man, I can say I would not mind if my gf taped me for her own use...I would of course mind if this found its way on to a porn site

LegacyUser

Simple solution: if the victim here can no longer trust her partner (and why should she after this disgraceful transgression of privacy), and if she is terrified that he may have copies of the images/videos even after he destroys the versions on his PC in front of her, she should simply insist that she has an insurance policy. That is, if he wants to save his relationship and rebuild her trust, he will willingly masturbate on camera for her. She should take the most intimate possible imagery and save them away as insurance against any possible future embarrassments.

That way he knows that if any imagery of her appears online, revenge will be swift. Unless he is a complete exhibitionist, this is something that he will reluctantly agree to - as refusal would suggest that he doesn't value her security or his relationship enought to put himself through something as potentially violating. While he might actually enjoy the act, nobody sane would enjoy the possibility of their parents seeing them in flagrante delicto at the most surprising time.

Ickle Magoo

Puting everyone else's moral outrage on your behalf to one-side, along with what other people would or wouldn't object to...

How do you feel about what he did OP? This is really only about you, him and your relationship and really you've said very little. Only you can decide if this has damaged your opinion of him &/or your relationship or even damaged them beyond repair. The only way to get through this, if you want to get through this, is to talk to him until you are satisfied with all the answers or so dissatisfied you can't stay in a relationship with him - but the boundaries you have and you insist on for your relationship has are yours and yours alone.

All the best you. :cool:

Miss Fluff

fungun wrote: »

Given what we have presented to date, it is possible this is a 10 year long reln where he is a fab bf, loves her dearly, loves pleasuring himself to pics of her but thought she would say no to it so just did it anyway.

Thought she would say no to it so just did it anyway? Are you suggesting that's ok? Jesus fungun, I'm actually a bit shocked at how warped this logic is :eek:

It's like saying she doesn't like it up the ar$e but "he did it anyway". He has voilated her and her privacy so how you can think this is ok is beyond me. It's irrelevant whether he's using it for **** fodder or putting in on a load of porn sites under the real couples or amateur sections for the World to see. The fact is he did it and without her consent. That is f8cked up, you seem to be missing the point entirely.

prinz

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Puting everyone else's moral outrage on your behalf to one-side, along with what other people would or wouldn't object to....

Given that he could have breached a number of laws (infringing her right to and expectation of privacy/data protection etc) it's far more than moral outrage people have. People have been brought to court in this country for recording others without their consent.

fungun wrote:

All Im saying is that from a male perspective he may have seen it as no real big deal, certainly not that it was a red card offence.

From a male perspective, it is a big deal.

fungun wrote:

As a man, I can say I would not mind if my gf taped me for her own use...I would of course mind if this found its way on to a porn site

Which of course it could do by any number of third party ways, not necessarily by your gf or the OP's bf uploading it.

Ickle Magoo

prinz wrote: »

Given that he could have breached a number of laws (infringing her right to and expectation of privacy/data protection etc) it's far more than moral outrage people have. People have been brought to court in this country for recording others without their consent.

Of course - but people come back from all kinds of horrendous betrayals and still want to and do make their relationships work all the time. So the outrage or forgiveness you or I or anyone else would feel if such a thing happened to us is largely irrelevant; it's what the OP feels about it and my advice to them is dependent on which side of the outrage/forgiven fence they decide to stand on.

R.D. aka MR.D

I think his reaction to this is important. Is he unbelievably sorry or trying to justify it by implying you're a prude?

If it is the later then he is not only untrustworthy but also controlling.

sweetie12

He was sorry i cried and could hardly breathe when i saw it. We had alot of plans together been with him 6years he's usually really loving and sweet and thoughtful,I need to talk to him more about it i couldn't find the words the last time i was so in shock.

I am a friend

Nah sorry Hun - he is a sleaze....