Help! Mother of 15-year-old ftm transgender

Meesared

Its so invaluable to have other trans people to talk to in situations like these, I wouldn't be here without my trans friends.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

Meesared wrote: »

Why not do that though?

Just because a person thinks they are something does not make it true.
These issues require critical thinking, not blind acceptance.

RiseToMe

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

Meesared wrote: »

Regardless it was a ridicilous comment, it was nonsensical and factually incorrect.

I never said it was fact I merely said it was a possibility.

In regards to facts, I know that groups can nurture feelings within an individual, feelings that could really be miniscule or irrelevant.

A man who has a feminine side may not necessarily be a transsexual for example but if he hangs around transsexuals he may start to think that he is or experiment with the idea.

I am actually beginning to think that you are in here to stir things up. You are taking the nature/nurture argument from the other thread and trying to give it legs and fountains here where it doesn't belong.

You think by taking a 15 years support and community away they may be "fixed"?

Nobody signs up to sites that they don't have an interest in. It's like saying by me going to the mustard forum and hanging out there for long enough and talking to people that i'll suddenly start liking mustard.

Also have some respect, this person is transgender, he presents as male and should therefore be referred to as male.

Meesared

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

Just because a person thinks they are something does not make it true.
These issues require critical thinking, not blind acceptance.

I think I am trans, does that not necessaraly make it true?

floggg

I don't know much about being transexual, but I don't really think there is very much possibility of anybody thinking themselves transsexual just to fit in.

Coming out as gay was ridiculously hard, I can only imagine what it's like to come out as trans.

Yes, it's possible that the OP's child is being influences by peers. But probable? Very unlikely - why would they even go onto trans sites unless they already felt that way?

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

RiseToMe wrote: »

I am actually beginning to think that you are in here to stir things up. You are taking the nature/nurture argument from the other thread and trying to give it legs and fountains here where it doesn't belong.

You think by taking a 15 years support and community away they may be "fixed"?

Nobody signs up to sites that they don't have an interest in. It's like saying by me going to the mustard forum and hanging out there for long enough and talking to people that i'll suddenly start liking mustard.

Also have some respect, this person is transgender, he presents as male and should therefore be referred to as male.

I have posted on other sub-forums on this site, not just this one.

Furthermore, you are making massive assumptions, where did I say that transsexuals should not have support? I never said that, do not put words in my mouth!

What you need is balance, blind acceptance could lead to someone going down the wrong path while no support can be emotionally damaging, her mother should support her daughter, all I am saying as that both the mother and the daughter should think critically about all this.

Meesared wrote: »

I think I am trans, does that not necessaraly make it true?

I do not know you, I can not answer that question.

RiseToMe

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

I have posted on other sub-forums on this site, not just this one.

Furthermore, you are making massive assumptions, where did I say that transsexuals should not have support? I never said that, do not put words in my mouth!

What you need is balance, blind acceptance could lead to someone going down the wrong path while no support can be emotionally damaging, her mother should support her daughter, all I am saying as that both the mother and the daughter should think critically about all this.

Meesared wrote: »

I think I am trans, does that not necessaraly make it true?

I do not know you, I can not answer that question.

You implied that her SON talking to other trans people could be the reason that HE is transgender.

rainbow kirby

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

These issues require critical thinking, not blind acceptance.

If someone has reached the stage of being ready to come out to those close to them, then the critical thinking has already taken place.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

RiseToMe wrote: »

You implied that her SON talking to other trans people could be the reason that HE is transgender.

It indeed could be a reason as to why her daughter or son regards themselves as transsexual.

I've seen it happen, one or two guys that enjoy femininity leading themselves to believe that they are properly transsexual due to the influence of transsexual groups they've checked out.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

rainbow kirby wrote: »

If someone has reached the stage of being ready to come out to those close to them, then the critical thinking has already taken place.

Maybe, yes, but she is still young, fifteen, I'm sure we all know what teens can be like.

If this is the right choice then I wish her all the best, however, you need to think about the possibility that she could be making a mistake.

rainbow kirby

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

If this is the right choice

It isn't a choice, and you are sorely mistaken if you think it is.

Meesared

I knew I was different, from when i was 12, but i didnt understand at the time, if i was able to get in touch with similar people, i would be much further down this road, and I would be happier because of it.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

rainbow kirby wrote: »

It isn't a choice, and you are sorely mistaken if you think it is.

Now that is a whole other debate.

Shall we keep to this one please?

Under the assumption that transsexuality is not a choice (not something I am disputing, it's something I am not sure about.) we still have to take into account those that incorrectly believe they are transsexual for whatever reason.

Meesared

Yet you bring it up again in your post?

Makes sense!

:rolleyes:

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

Meesared wrote: »

Yet you bring it up again in your post?

Makes sense!

:rolleyes:

I didn't.

That users post was about if it was a choice or not, a whole other debate.

My post worked under the assumption that it was not a choice.

Therefore, I didn't bring it up again.

Annasopra

Folks - can we please stay on topic - Give the mother some advice or else take other off topic discussions to private messages

apache

Meesared wrote: »

Judging by the fact that the OPs child has "came out" to her and is presenting as male, its obviously gone far far past thinking they are trans, or experimenting with it.

eh yeah thats the point i was trying to bring up on the bisexual/gay thing. its just as offensive to say everyone at one point is bi curious.
its ridiculous. everybody knows themselves.

anyway the ops child obviously knows what they are. well done on the support.

Kanoe

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

Just because a person thinks they are something does not make it true.
These issues require critical thinking, not blind acceptance.

I kind of want to address SDW's points here because if my daughter wasn't standing a couple of feet away from me I would be almost certain it was her posting.
When my daughter was 14 she also went through a period of questioning her gender. I need to stress the gender part because it had nothing to do with her orientation. She really didn't like having a feminine body and did enjoy participating in hobbies where she could cross that line and role play as a male. Now I get this, to me it was a natural thing and I felt the same way when I was her age and encouraged her to explore her feelings. I also get that there are a lot more avenues for kids to do this nowdays and it's perfectly acceptable as a "hobby" if you will.

There's a million kids out there buying binders and cosplaying a character of opposite gender every day. For most it's not a gender identity issue but for others it's the real thing. I know there are many gay and lesbian couples who participate and one or two transgender individuals who attend and are happy to satiate their needs this way.

I'm going out on a hunch here and I'm willing to bet you've participated in it too, which may be why you feel so strongly about the subject. But you need to recognise that there is a difference. In some ways you're right, maybe you've discovered or experienced genderfluidity as a state of moving between, expressing or exploring gender identity in various ways at various stages of life but being transgender is not a phase that people simply just grow out of. Either way time will tell. Wish you both the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Kanoe wrote: »

When my daughter was 14 she also went through a period of questioning her gender. I need to stress the gender part because it had nothing to do with her orientation. She really didn't like having a feminine body and did enjoy participating in hobbies where she could cross that line and role play as a male. Now I get this, to me it was a natural thing and I felt the same way when I was her age and encouraged her to explore her feelings. I also get that there are a lot more avenues for kids to do this nowdays and it's perfectly acceptable as a "hobby" if you will.

There's a million kids out there buying binders and cosplaying a character of opposite gender every day. For most it's not a gender identity issue but for others it's the real thing. I know there are many gay and lesbian couples who participate and one or two transgender individuals who attend and are happy to satiate their needs this way.

Er ... if I wasn't me posting, I'd think you were me and your daughter was mine!

Hello again everyone and thanks again for all the feedback.

We had a bit of a barney yesterday because I was speaking to a parent of a new friend of hers, making arrangements for a visit and she said "She'll know me as [male name]" but (I thought) like it was a nickname. I fluffed it on the phone and automatically used her real name ... in fairness I've been using it for 15 years!

There are a couple of issues that have clarified for me and I think my opening post was wrong in that it purported to be about helping her but it's clear to me now that I'm the one who needs the help.

She has a great network (on and offline) of friends ... gay, straight, bi and trans. She's fairly "out" already in school, lucky enough to not give a cr'p what people think and to have enough friends around her for support with this view. She's grand, to be honest.

But the fact that there are other parents out there who genuinely believe she is a boy concerned me a little bit for some reason. It's one thing to be out to her friends but another thing if adults are involved. I don't know if that makes any sense but it feels like we're approaching the point of no return, i.e. telling all the family. There's a double-life feeling creeping in where one part of her life is him and the other part is her.

And there's still a part of me that's not 100% convinced that this is it, that she's tried everything else and is sure about this ... at 15. I want to be able to tell her that I totally support her but I don't want to lose my daughter. It was just the two of us for years and years, we're so close.

I know I'd be gaining a son (so to speak) but I can't get my head there yet. It feels like being gay would be a doddle compared to this.

I'm sorry all, I guess this is off topic for the board but I'm a bit upset today and I'm not ready to talk to a peer yet about this.

Meesared

Mummy's Boy wrote: »

Er ... if I wasn't me posting, I'd think you were me and your daughter was mine!

Hello again everyone and thanks again for all the feedback.

We had a bit of a barney yesterday because I was speaking to a parent of a new friend of hers, making arrangements for a visit and she said "She'll know me as [male name]" but (I thought) like it was a nickname. I fluffed it on the phone and automatically used her real name ... in fairness I've been using it for 15 years!

There are a couple of issues that have clarified for me and I think my opening post was wrong in that it purported to be about helping her but it's clear to me now that I'm the one who needs the help.

She has a great network (on and offline) of friends ... gay, straight, bi and trans. She's fairly "out" already in school, lucky enough to not give a cr'p what people think and to have enough friends around her for support with this view. She's grand, to be honest.

But the fact that there are other parents out there who genuinely believe she is a boy concerned me a little bit for some reason. It's one thing to be out to her friends but another thing if adults are involved. I don't know if that makes any sense but it feels like we're approaching the point of no return, i.e. telling all the family. There's a double-life feeling creeping in where one part of her life is him and the other part is her.

And there's still a part of me that's not 100% convinced that this is it, that she's tried everything else and is sure about this ... at 15. I want to be able to tell her that I totally support her but I don't want to lose my daughter. It was just the two of us for years and years, we're so close.

I know I'd be gaining a son (so to speak) but I can't get my head there yet. It feels like being gay would be a doddle compared to this.

I'm sorry all, I guess this is off topic for the board but I'm a bit upset today and I'm not ready to talk to a peer yet about this.

Anytime you are ready you can come back to us and we will be ready to help

You are handling this very well and credit for that, your child is lucky to have you as a mom

Kanoe

I echo the above, anytime you need to talk.

LegacyUser

Yesterday I was all over the place but today I feel together again.

We had a long talk last night. She swears she’s 100% sure about this so I’m going to try to get on board properly and (eventually) talk to the rest of the family about it.

I had a little cry (about “losing my baby girl” even though I’m “gaining a son”) and she had a little cry about making me cry … I realized I hadn’t been really taking it seriously up to now and she realized that it was having quite an emotional effect on me. I don't think it occurred to her that it would impact me to such an extent. Teenagers, eh?!

But now that it's "for real", I feel I can cope better with it and move it along.

So, today marks the first day of my life with my son.

Thank you all for allowing me to pour this out here and for all your words of encouragement and support. It's made a big difference to me.

LegacyUser

There's a great group called BeLonGTo for L,g,b and T young people and they offer supports to parents too.
Here's their website.

http://www.belongto.org/service.aspx?sectionid=144

There's also lots of youth groups including a trans* specific one
http://www.belongto.org/group.aspx?sectionid=80

Believe me your child will definitely benefit from making friends they can hang out with in person that understand this aspect of their life rather than seeking understanding online.

I have a few transmen as friends and seeing their confidence grow when they became more secure in their identities was possibly the only aspect of their experiences that was similar to each others! Good luck!

Well done though Kudos on the parental front.

LegacyUser

Hello all, some of you may remember me from this thread:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056423250

You were all very helpful and kind and I thank you for that.

We have two issues on which I'm hoping to get some feedback/advice on please.

Number 1 is that my boy goes to a mixed school which has a strict uniform policy where girls are obliged to wear skirts (even in the terrible snow we had some time back). He was managing for a while but told me last night that he's finding it more and more intolerable to the point where he's having "panic attacks" going to school in the skirt. I'm going to arrange a meeting with one of the teachers next week (who we believe is sympathetic to our situation) but I was just wondering if anyone had managed to convince a school to change their uniform rules in a similar situation. He's completely open about the situation so isn't worried at all about any kind of backlash, it's the school and making them be flexible that concerns me. Changing school is not at option (for now) as he's doing brilliantly there and is in 5th year, we both think it would be bad for his studies.

Number 2 is that he's asked for some counselling and he believes there are counsellors who specialise in his situation so I was hoping to get a recommendation for someone in the Dublin city centre or in the Dublin 12 area. Also, any idea how much that costs?

Thanks in advance for your help.

Annasopra

Hi Mummy's Boy

I'd say that TENI could give you some assistance to find counsellors and that IndividualiTy might be a good resource for your Son and LOOK might be a good resource for you

http://www.teni.ie/page.aspx?contentid=17

http://www.belongto.org/group.aspx?sectionid=80

http://www.belongto.org/group.aspx?sectionid=7121

DubArk

Dear Mummy's Boy

I hadn’t seen this thread before today and just read most of it. I was overwhelmed by your focus and commitment to your sons’ plight. All of us, I would imagine have our stories and hence the reason we seek advise or solace in here.

I know as a gay man that the teenage years are without doubt the most difficult for most young people.

You are without exception an incredible parent.

I can see that you have had plenty of helpful advice and therefore I just felt compelled to say that no matter how difficult you think that road is now, it will be a standing to you and your son in the future.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
William Morrow

Chuchoter

In terms of the uniform thing, I've a friend who was in an all girls who let him wear the tracksuit with the school jumper no problem, I don't see any harm in asking anyway.

LegacyUser

I got in touch with TENI and they've given me the name and number of a general advisor type woman who we'll call today (didn't want to at the weekend ). This lady will chat with us and give us advice as regards what we might need to help us manage all this.

I also called the school and made an appointment to see the headmaster and another teacher (who I'm told is sympathetic to our cause ) this week. I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't say "no" outright. They seem to be taking the situation seriously (in a good way) so hopefully we'll have a good outcome there too.

This'll be the first time I've discussed all this with someone outside the family! Eek!!

Thanks again all!

L.Jenkins

I'm glad it's going well for you both. Do keep in touch with Vanessa and the crew at TENI. They can really help out alot where possible. I'm in the middle of challanging a few policies and creating a precedent myself, so I know how good it feels to have someone on side.

Annasopra

Mummy's Boy wrote: »

I got in touch with TENI and they've given me the name and number of a general advisor type woman who we'll call today (didn't want to at the weekend ). This lady will chat with us and give us advice as regards what we might need to help us manage all this.

I also called the school and made an appointment to see the headmaster and another teacher (who I'm told is sympathetic to our cause ) this week. I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't say "no" outright. They seem to be taking the situation seriously (in a good way) so hopefully we'll have a good outcome there too.

This'll be the first time I've discussed all this with someone outside the family! Eek!!

Thanks again all!

Good news

As I said above IndividualiTy and LOOK may be sources of support