Help! Mother of 15-year-old ftm transgender

LegacyUser

Hi all, my 15-year-old daughter told me a couple of months ago that she considers herself to be a boy. She dresses in boys clothes, wears her hair short, uses a boy's name and is thrilled when someone mistakes her for a boy. She was over the moon the other day when we went shopping and I bought her boxer shorts

I have absolutely no problem with this, she seems happy and I think (I'm trying to be involved without prying) she has an online community of transgender friends with whom she exchanges information and chats. I'm a little bit uncomfortable with this but purely from a "stranger danger on the internet" point of view. Her "real-life" friends know the story and frankly they're mostly boys anyway and perfectly comfortable with it as far as I can tell.

I guess I'm just not sure if I should be doing something to help her or support her.

And I have to ask (so please don't kill me) was your sexuality set in stone at the age of 15? I promise, I'm not hoping that she'll change back or anything. It just that she's had a couple of boyfriends, went through a period where she described herself as "pansexual", started to feel attracted to women and had a girlfriend and now this. It could simply be a process she's going through and we've finally arrived at the conclusion, I'm just not sure.

Her Dad (who lives in a different country) doesn't know yet, he was up to speed at the "attracted to women" point. Nor does our extended family who we're very close to.

One of the things that worries me is that she presents herself as a boy to new people (when she can get away with it) and I worry that that might backfire on her at some point.

Any advice, feedback, help you can give is much appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Meesared

Hi there, mtf trans person here

First off credit to you for supporting her and helping her you sound like a great mother!

But onto the main point, to be honest I would have loved to "come out" earlier, but due to a combination of our family not talking to each other much about feelings or anything like that and also me not feeling brave enough in myself. I think that would be the case for most of us, I think you are handling things very well, and your child is very brave and they deserves kudos for that. Basically keep doing what you are doing, I dont think you are doing anything wrong, just be there for them.

Also don't be so down on internet friends, i know I probably wouldnt still be here if it werent for my online friends, I know theres one in particular I'm closer to than anyone else I know, and without her I would be completely lost.

salfordlad

As a Young Out - Gay man i firstly would like to commend you for supporting your "Beautiful Child" and you seem to be very easy with it all (because, a lot of people find it hard to open their mind to a sway in the sexual orientation field, let alone to speak openly about the trans Gender of their own child) - I know a few people (well older than 15 might i add) that have had the procedure done and i for one always take life in general with a very open mind, and i always salute a person no matter how they may be "labelled" for being who they are and living with it - I can only imagine that a lot of older trans gender Girls & boys may not have had it too easy, but i really admire the copius amounts of courage involved, and the very open mind of a family member (In your case, Wide open!)
My friend was born a boy and is 21, and moved to London to start the change earlier this year and the work so far has been unbelievable! Always a Pretty boy, But now looking like a Beautiful young woman!

Nice post "Mummy's Boy" and always be there for your little one ;-)
You're a Credit, and i hope it's all admired and noticed both today and after the procedure.

Regards - Sam (22)

Aishae

I love the support just dripping off your post OP. Itd be so great if more parents were like this - and who went so far as to seek advice! Major kudos for that.

At 15 she could well still be trying to find exactly where she falls in the sexuality spectrum. It's great that she feels she can find out without hiding it, as so many of us do.

I can't really comment on the trans aspect as I'm not trans myself but there are some folks here that might be able to help. I just really wanted to say the above.

WonderWoman!

I agree - You're support is outstanding and she is lucky to have you .

As Meesared said - I wouldnt be down on her having internet friends, its a good Idea she can talk to people who understand exactly what she's going through . However meeting them is another story .

You sound like a fantastic mum

Meesared

WonderWoman! wrote: »

You sound like a fantastic mum

Fully agree!

LegacyUser

Aw, thanks for all the compliments, I'm blushing madly! To be honest, it really isn't a problem for me and the fact that she's so happy in general and really enjoying her teenage years with no problems in school means we're doing something right!

Also don't be so down on internet friends, i know I probably wouldnt still be here if it werent for my online friends, I know theres one in particular I'm closer to than anyone else I know, and without her I would be completely lost.

As Meesared said - I wouldnt be down on her having internet friends, its a good Idea she can talk to people who understand exactly what she's going through . However meeting them is another story .

I genuinely don't have a problem with her internet friends. I met my partner online and I know it's possible to develop real relationships and friendships this way. I'm not sure what she'd have done without her online buddies. This is purely an internet safety concern.

I know a few people (well older than 15 might i add) that have had the procedure done ... My friend was born a boy and is 21, and moved to London to start the change earlier this year and the work so far has been unbelievable! Always a Pretty boy, But now looking like a Beautiful young woman!

We've talked about "the procedure" in a very vague and futuristic sense. She has no interest in anything like that just yet and is happy enough with the look and if her boobs keep growing she'll work to disguise them.

At 15 she could well still be trying to find exactly where she falls in the sexuality spectrum. It's great that she feels she can find out without hiding it, as so many of us do.

This is what I'm curious about. I know several gay people who were full sure they were gay long before they were 15 and I wonder if the journey has actually reached a conclusion yet or if the finish line is still aways off.

When I was growing up I was quite a tomboy and there was a character in a series of books I read who wanted to be a boy as well ... but not to this extent. So I sometimes wonder am I actually taking it seriously enough.

Any thoughts on the situation of presenting herself to new people as a boy? How does this work? I know that (in her mind) essentially she's telling the truth but wouldn't people feel she is lying?

Thanks again guys and gals for all the nice things you've said, she's a great kid who makes my job of being Mum SO easy.

baby and crumble

You do sound like a great Mum, OP, but I'm just wondering if you should try and get used to using male pronouns, rather than female? I know it must be odd, in particular as your child hasn't had any kind of intervention from a medical perspective. But maybe you could start thinking that you have a son, rather than a daughter?

Yes, your child may be testing out the waters, but since the reaction is so positive when treated like a boy, well that kind of speaks for itself, really!

WonderWoman!

baby and crumble wrote: »

You do sound like a great Mum, OP, but I'm just wondering if you should try and get used to using male pronouns, rather than female? I know it must be odd, in particular as your child hasn't had any kind of intervention from a medical perspective. But maybe you could start thinking that you have a son, rather than a daughter?

Yes, your child may be testing out the waters, but since the reaction is so positive when treated like a boy, well that kind of speaks for itself, really!

In my post I was actually considering whether to put he instead of she

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'm just wondering if you should try and get used to using male pronouns, rather than female?

Ha! I was wondering when someone would pick me up on that

I'm trying to be as open about this (here) as I can be and I'm just not able to type he/him yet. For some reason it's a easier in "real life" to look at her that way. She even has a boy's name that we use as much as possible.

It's clearly an indicator that I'm not 100% there yet, so bear with me

deirdre_dub

Mummy's Boy wrote: »

Hi all, my 15-year-old daughter told me a couple of months ago that she considers herself to be a boy. She dresses in boys clothes, wears her hair short, uses a boy's name and is thrilled when someone mistakes her for a boy. She was over the moon the other day when we went shopping and I bought her boxer shorts

First of all, to explain what transgenderism is.

There are subtle differences in the brain structures of men and women. When you examine the brain of transgender people, you find that the brain contains structures of the person's gender identity, and not their genetic gender. In other words, something happens to the development of the brain in the womb that causes a mismatch between the genetic gender and the brain structures. Hence if your child is trans (which appears to be the case), then they literally have a man's brain in a woman's body. Since the brain is the seat of the identity and of the sense of self, your child cannot successfully identify himself as your daughter.

One thing that transgender people pretty much universally report after starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is that our brains "feel better". I'm male-to-female, and my brain has never felt as good a place for me to live in as it has since I started HRT.

I have absolutely no problem with this, she seems happy and I think (I'm trying to be involved without prying) she has an online community of transgender friends with whom she exchanges information and chats. I'm a little bit uncomfortable with this but purely from a "stranger danger on the internet" point of view.

Is your child seeking encounters through the internet?! If so, then the usual cautions apply. If not, then I don't see how it's different to seeking out groups of people who are interested in stamp collecting.

I guess I'm just not sure if I should be doing something to help her or support her.

Listen to your child. Ask them if there is something that you can do to support.

As others have said, if your child is truly transgender, then using male pronouns is important.

And I have to ask (so please don't kill me) was your sexuality set in stone at the age of 15? I promise, I'm not hoping that she'll change back or anything. It just that she's had a couple of boyfriends, went through a period where she described herself as "pansexual", started to feel attracted to women and had a girlfriend and now this. It could simply be a process she's going through and we've finally arrived at the conclusion, I'm just not sure.

I started exploring my gender issues at age 39. Up until then, I had considered myself a straight man. It was quite a shock to the system for me to discover that I wasn't actually a man at all! Along with that discovery, I learned, for the first time in my life, what this thing called "gender" actually is. Since your sexual orientation is an expression of the gender(s) you are attracted to, this naturally led me to question what my sexual orientation was. I now identify (depending on who I am talking to) as a straight-ish woman, a bisexual, or a pansexual. In other words, my preference is for men, though if you are homo sapiens, have a pulse, and I like you enough, I won't say no.

My point is that it is pretty unavoidable for someone who is questioning their gender to also question their sexual orientation.

One of the things that worries me is that she presents herself as a boy to new people (when she can get away with it) and I worry that that might backfire on her at some point.

How?

Us transgender people become very adept at navigating such issues. In fact, those issues can even be fun...

Anyway, as others have said, thanks for being an awesome supporter!

foggy_lad

Mummy's Boy wrote: »

This is what I'm curious about. I know several gay people who were full sure they were gay long before they were 15 and I wonder if the journey has actually reached a conclusion yet or if the finish line is still aways off.

One of the joys of growing up is the reality of finding out about yourself and feelings adn sexuality and gender identity as well as trying to fit in to a world where your arms and legs may be too long or short or your hair may not be the right colour or........etc etc

It sounds very much like your child knows where they are in the whole thing and the fact you are so helpful and supporting for them is amazing as many would not be able to understand and even the thought of a gay or trans child would be repulsve.

Best of luck to you and your daughter/son but it very much sounds like ye are going to be fine because of your understanding. Well done!

jaffacakesyum

Just wanted to echo the other posters when they say well done, OP, on being so supportive of your child

I'm going to be a bit controversial and say there IS the chance that this is just a phase - it can happen. When I was in school there was a girl very like your child - wanted to be referred to as a boy, wore boy's clothes etc. She grew out of it though and is now comfortable in herself and has a boyfriend even.

Anyway, you just need to bear this in mind. That said, it sounds like your son is very comfortable in himself being a male and at the end of the day only he will know what gender identity he is.

Best of luck to the both of you and do check out the trans resources thread on here. There might be some useful resources for the both of you in future

Louisevb

@ OP
I have a friend who is a counselor in gender issues specialising in transgender who has a child m2f around 19 who you might benefit from talking to.
Send me a pm and I'll give you her number.
Nice to see someone giving unconditional love to their child.:)

LegacyUser

What a great bunch of people! Although it makes me a little sad that you seem to find my support for my daughter to be ... exceptional (if that's the right word). I'm not stupid, I know how difficult a situation like this could be for a parent to cope with, I just assumed that we were getting better at these things and that it would be easier for you guys and gals by now. Maybe I'm naive rather than stupid

Deirdre_dub, that was a great post and definitely answered some questions I didn't even know I had yet! What I mean about the "lying" to people ... if she meets a girl she fancies and presents herself as a boy and this girl becomes attracted to her ... isn't this a little unfair on the girl? I don't think this has happened yet, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. And as you say, you learn to navigate these issues but she's still only 15 and I sometimes wonder if she's a little too open about this, as much as I would obviously want her to be.

Louise, I'm not ready to go down that road yet, as much as it might help me logically, mentally talking about it here is all I can do for the moment.

Thank you SO much everyone for your support and advice ... and I'm sorry about the he/she thing, I hope it doesn't cause any offence. It rocks me a little bit to see you all talking about her as a boy ... reality hitting home I guess.

apache

for the fear of repeating i think the posts above have summed it up. you are a fantastic mam.
is your daughter/son still in school?

and about asking is sexuality set in stone? mine was. others aren't. i knew i was gay/lesbian when i was in school. i'll never forget in secondary school about age 16 my best friend asking me and i was highly offended. didn't talk to her for a week and started going out with this fella in the boys school next door and then i went back and said yeah i am after a week lol.

anyway keep on doing what you are doing - you're an inspiration to others.

Chuchoter

Me personally, I didn't have a clue where I stood on my sexuality or gender identity at 15, even now I'm still a bit clueless and I'm 18 now (which I know isn't technically old and wise, but its the best I can do for you!)

If I'm a million per cent honest, I would strongly dissuade anyone in secondary from coming out at such a young age and I have two reasons for that. The first one is obvious, people are mean and violent. You seem so nice and so accepting, but I don't know if the rest of the world is and at 15, I'd say your child still has a lot of faith in people. I might sound cynical, but coming out is not fun. Unless it has clear and obvious benefits, don't do it.

The second reason is that once you do come out, that **** is permanent. If your child comes out to everyone now and then discovers later she was wrong, she will be known for the rest of her time in secondary and possibly beyond that as the weird one and then everyone just thinks you're attention seeking. I mean, only beginning third year is so insanely young. I was a totally different person then.

Last but not least, and although I might be the worst in the world for saying this, do you not think that picking the most weird and wonderful terms like pansexual and such says that this might be a phase? If this was of their own making, I'm fairly sure they'd have gone for the basics of gay or bisexual first, but as far as I can tell, this might be just them being massively influenced by internet people.

Louisevb

[QUOTE=

Deirdre_dub, that was a great post and definitely answered some questions I didn't even know I had yet! What I mean about the "lying" to people ... if she meets a girl she fancies and presents herself as a boy and this girl becomes attracted to her ... isn't this a little unfair on the girl? I don't think this has happened yet, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. And as you say, you learn to navigate these issues but she's still only 15 and I sometimes wonder if she's a little too open about this, as much as I would obviously want her to be.

[/QUOTE]

OP.. Thank you ..it does take a little time for it all to sink in..very understandable indeed. I wouldn't particularly worry about how your young boy tells a new gf. The trick is if this situation develops to tackle it early and head on. You might be very surprised at how someone will react. In terms of sexual attraction and gender... Attraction can change or remain the same. In other words.. sexual attraction can remain the same after transition as before or after transition it can change. It's different with different people depending on how they see themselves... I wouldn't worry too much, your teenager will find his feet sooner than you think. Talking to another parent in similar circumstances might in time clear your mind and settle your concerns.

deirdre_dub

Mummy's Boy wrote: »

What a great bunch of people! Although it makes me a little sad that you seem to find my support for my daughter to be ... exceptional

Yes - it is quite sad that parents who are as accepting as you are the exception not the rule. There is still a job of education to be done.

Deirdre_dub, that was a great post and definitely answered some questions I didn't even know I had yet!

Thank you!

What I mean about the "lying" to people ... if she meets a girl she fancies and presents herself as a boy and this girl becomes attracted to her ... isn't this a little unfair on the girl?

Ah - the old "disclosure" question! If the two of them are physically able to express their attraction, then I'm not sure how it is unfair. The only way it might be unfair is if the hypothetical girl in question wants to have children.

Personally, after the operation, I feel it is my duty to find out if the other person wants to have children. If he does, then I feel it is my duty to say that I'm sterile, though I don't see that I have a duty to say why. I also feel it is a damn good idea to find out, somehow, if he is transphobic. If he is, then obviously I should never disclose my trans status to him. If he isn't, then he shouldn't mind, and I can come out to him "whenever".

However, opinions differ. Some trans people are quite open about their trans status. Some wish to keep it utterly hidden. I'm somewhere in-between - at least at the moment.

Thank you SO much everyone for your support and advice ... and I'm sorry about the he/she thing, I hope it doesn't cause any offence. It rocks me a little bit to see you all talking about her as a boy ... reality hitting home I guess.

It takes time. No offence taken. You are in the early days. Take your time. And, as we keep saying, at least you are looking at these issues and taking them seriously.

Meesared

Mummy's Boy wrote: »

What a great bunch of people! Although it makes me a little sad that you seem to find my support for my daughter to be ... exceptional (if that's the right word). I'm not stupid, I know how difficult a situation like this could be for a parent to cope with, I just assumed that we were getting better at these things and that it would be easier for you guys and gals by now. Maybe I'm naive rather than stupid

I "came out" to my parents a few months ago and they are basically ignoring it, dont want to talk about it, hoping it will go away. So yes the way you are handling this is really amazing!

apache

Chuchoter wrote: »

Me personally, I didn't have a clue where I stood on my sexuality or gender identity at 15, even now I'm still a bit clueless and I'm 18 now (which I know isn't technically old and wise, but its the best I can do for you!)

If I'm a million per cent honest, I would strongly dissuade anyone in secondary from coming out at such a young age and I have two reasons for that. The first one is obvious, people are mean and violent. You seem so nice and so accepting, but I don't know if the rest of the world is and at 15, I'd say your child still has a lot of faith in people. I might sound cynical, but coming out is not fun. Unless it has clear and obvious benefits, don't do it.

The second reason is that once you do come out, that **** is permanent. If your child comes out to everyone now and then discovers later she was wrong, she will be known for the rest of her time in secondary and possibly beyond that as the weird one and then everyone just thinks you're attention seeking. I mean, only beginning third year is so insanely young. I was a totally different person then.

Last but not least, and although I might be the worst in the world for saying this, do you not think that picking the most weird and wonderful terms like pansexual and such says that this might be a phase? If this was of their own making, I'm fairly sure they'd have gone for the basics of gay or bisexual first, but as far as I can tell, this might be just them being massively influenced by internet people.

on paper i agree with you but its a little difficult like the ops situation. it might be obvious. like does she dress up as a boy just outside school? haircut etc? it dosen't sound like a phase and the ops daughter/son seems to know what he/she wants.
i'm not going down the road of political correctness here with pronouns. we are talking about a 15yr old here!

there are people out there at 15yrs old who know who they are. the same way people don't come out until later in life. we are all different.

Glitter

I came out (as lesbian) at 15 in secondary school without any major problems. If anything, it was character building. So I necessarily wouldn't advise against people coming out (as either queer or trans) at that age.
I would advise they seek a good support network, either online as your son seems to be doing, or else via a group like BeLonGTo, which caters for trans teens as well as LGB young people.

As to you being afraid of difficult situations arising with girls further down the line, I would advocate honesty as early as is reasonable in the dialogue between your son and any potential partner. ie: once they know each other a bit but before they hop into bed together (which shouldn't of course come up for another couple of years! ).

No one wants a Boys Don't Cry situation on their hands, that is a perfectly valid fear.

Mummy's Boy, I think it's wonderful you are being so supportive to your child! Coming out early as trans and doing what needs to be done in good time circumvents a lot of anguish later on in a person's life.
My partner is a transwoman who came out in her early twenties against the background of a not terribly supportive family and it took most of her twenties to get everything sorted. One's twenties are a time when you should be having fun, going to college, starting careers etc - it's wonderful that kids can come out so young now and not miss out on all that.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

There is a chance that she could grow out of it, however, seeing as she is acting publicly like a male then that chance is slimmer. Seeing as she is only 15 though there is a chance she is just, as they say, experimenting with her sexuality.

In regards to backfiring, it is socially acceptable for women to behave tomboyish, even to this extreme I doubt she has anything to worry about in regards to violence, she may need to take heed of things such as employment and the like though, lying about your sex may lead to social repercussions but, as I said, I doubt she needs to worry about outright violence.

Now, you say she chats with a load of transgenders online, people are the product of their environment, that's how people learn social norms, having transgenders as your social group could have led her to just think she is transgender herself, that is just another possibility of course, I don't know your daughter so I can't say anything as fact.

Meesared

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

Now, you say she chats with a load of transgenders online, people are the product of their environment, that's how people learn social norms, having transgenders as your social group could have led her to just think she is transgender herself, that is just another possibility of course, I don't know your daughter so I can't say anything as fact.

Sorry but I'm calling bull**** on that, thats a ridicilous statement to make.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

Meesared wrote: »

Sorry but I'm calling bull**** on that, thats a ridicilous statement to make.

I know from experience actually, even then I said it was just a possibility.

Meesared

Regardless it was a ridicilous comment, it was nonsensical and factually incorrect.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

Meesared wrote: »

Regardless it was a ridicilous comment, it was nonsensical and factually incorrect.

I never said it was fact I merely said it was a possibility.

In regards to facts, I know that groups can nurture feelings within an individual, feelings that could really be miniscule or irrelevant.

A man who has a feminine side may not necessarily be a transsexual for example but if he hangs around transsexuals he may start to think that he is or experiment with the idea.

Meesared

Judging by the fact that the OPs child has "came out" to her and is presenting as male, its obviously gone far far past thinking they are trans, or experimenting with it.

Stocking Drinks Whiskey

Meesared wrote: »

Judging by the fact that the OPs child has "came out" to her and is presenting as male, its obviously gone far far past thinking they are trans, or experimenting with it.

Obviously? No.

It strengthens the possibility that she may properly be trans, yes. However, there are people who went very far with things that turned out to be false.

You act as if I am speaking of her daughter as if I know all this as fact. I don't I am merely stating possibilities, she wanted advice, I gave what advice I thought was best, I am not going to enable her daughter just because it's "mean" to not immediately accept a person who feels transsexual as a transsexual.

Meesared

Stocking Drinks Whiskey wrote: »

I am not going to enable her daughter just because it's "mean" to not immediately accept a person who feels transsexual as a transsexual.

Why not do that though?

FueledByAisling

Like everyone else is saying, Kudos for being an awesome mom!

I'm only replying in the regards to the online friends. You could have a talk to your child and agree that they may continue to talk to these friends of theirs as long as nothing bad is happening ie arranging meet ups, or giving out personal addresses etc. But other than that I say it's harmless, does your child have other transgender friends? If not I say they're just talking about transgender related stuff, and harmless teenagers talk.