Assuming married people are trying to get pregnant

lazygal

This is beyond wrecking my head, I was at a family party with my husband over the weekend and all sorts of people, single guys, older people, etc all asked my if I've got "any news" or "are you trying". How insensitive and old fashioned is it? Have people so little imagination that they can only think of asking that?



The very upsetting thing is that we ARE trying but we're having problems. Nothing too serious (I hope) but we will probably need help. So it's very, very annoying to be getting the nudges and the nods and the winks from people who seem to assume that all you'd be bothered doing because you're married is getting knocked up.

Ickle Magoo

It doesn't stop there either - then comes the quizzing on when your child will get a sibling, what their names will be, when they get another sibling, jayzuz - three, are ye mad!, when the christening will be, what school they are going to, etc, etc, etc.

Some people just have an embarrassingly overblown sense of entitlement regarding both commenting on and having a say in what other people do. I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties conceiving - hope you get a +ive soon.

Ickle

Acoshla

I get women making comments all the time that I must be dying for a baby immediately, and I'm not even feckin married! I hate listening to people talk about babies etc, bores the life out of me, and when I voiced this nicely recently at a meeting that had nothing to do with children I was told "Ah Acoshla, you're only young, it's all ahead of you soon!", am, what? I'm not that young, it was incredibly patronising, and the assumption that all women are longing to pop a sprog as soon as possible really irritated me. I ended up leaving to avoid the condescending shite I was getting.

In my more annoyed moments I say that it's because misery loves company, and people with kids or who are trying harp on non stop trying to "recruit" others to do the same. I would never question someone about when they were having kids, for all people know the people they are asking could being desperately trying for them, could hate them, could have had a miscarriage or could have had an abortion, why they feel they need to stick their oar in boggles the mind.

seamus

Families are the worst for this. I have a niece and nephew and another on the way, yet some of them still feel the need to ask us about our baby plans. Eh, that's private, and even when we do intend to start, we're not going to broadcast it to everyone.

banshee_bones

As ickle said, it doesnt stop there either, only been going out with my boyfriend now for just under a year and were going on holiday soon and a few people have cocked an eyebrow at me and asked do I have anything to tell them or waggled their engagement ring finger at me. I have laughed it off because its clearly a holiday but it seems their imaginations have gone into overdrive! :pac:

Sage advice I always dig up and get a chuckle at in these threads- these might help you along, OP!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=59057353&postcount=55

Acoshla

bluewolf wrote: »

Sage advice I always dig up and get a chuckle at in these threads- these might help you along, OP!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=59057353&postcount=55

We always say "Oh we can't have kids...because we hate them". People that know us burst out laughing and strangers go :eek:

Malari

Acoshla wrote: »

We always say "Oh we can't have kids...because we hate them". People that know us burst out laughing and strangers go :eek:

We've started saying we have a cat instead. We weighed up the pros and cons and decided a cat was a far better choice than a baby.

We should make a new comprehensive list :pac:

bronte

I'm 27. My tolerance for this crap has long evaporated.
Next time someone asks you when you're having kids look them square in the eye and say "I can't...I like taking it up the arse too much"

They will never ask you again.

LeeHoffmann

Families are the worst for this. I have a niece and nephew and another on the way, yet some of them still feel the need to ask us about our baby plans. Eh, that's private, and even when we do intend to start, we're not going to broadcast it to everyone.

Totally agree seamus. Have been getting a lot of heat from the MIL-to-be for the last 4 years or so. My fiance's older sister (she's 30) has 3 sons and is pregnant now. She is looking forward to her kids having some cousins to play with but she doesn't say much to me/OH about it. The MIL is lovely - I love her to bits - but the pressure has been pretty heavy. We're in a good habit now of firmly saying 'it will be at least a few years' to make it clear. But I remember once about 2 years ago, we were having breakfast together just the two of us. She started dropping heavy hints again (''Hopefully it won't be too long til you have children'') and as usual, I said it would be a few years...but then she told me a story of a woman she knew who waited too long and then couldn't have kids. At all. I don't know why but it got inside my head. I'm 27. We don't want children for at least 2 more years, and I know we've enough time - I shouldn't be worried. But now there's that niggling worry 'you might not be able to have any' whispering at the back of my mind. :mad::(

I know she means well but really why is she so pushy? It has upset me. Family need to learn to back WAY off

Seth Brundle

seamus wrote: »

Eh, that's private, and even when we do intend to start, we're not going to broadcast it to everyone.

You'll tell us here obviously though, right?

Bens

lazygal wrote: »

This is beyond wrecking my head, I was at a family party with my husband over the weekend and all sorts of people, single guys, older people, etc all asked my if I've got "any news" or "are you trying". How insensitive and old fashioned is it? Have people so little imagination that they can only think of asking that?



The very upsetting thing is that we ARE trying but we're having problems. Nothing too serious (I hope) but we will probably need help. So it's very, very annoying to be getting the nudges and the nods and the winks from people who seem to assume that all you'd be bothered doing because you're married is getting knocked up.

I know what u mean. I'm close to actually flooring the next one who asks us.
We've had three miscarriages that Noone knows about and it's very hard going to parties or anythig now just because some idiot asks that question every time.
I swear I will kill someone soon

LeeHoffmann

It's annoying for me having to hear that I might 'run out of time' but it must be awful if you're actually experiencing difficulties. Sorry to hear that OP and Bens

lazygal

Bens wrote: »

I know what u mean. I'm close to actually flooring the next one who asks us.
We've had three miscarriages that Noone knows about and it's very hard going to parties or anythig now just because some idiot asks that question every time.
I swear I will kill someone soon

That's so upsetting. I can't even imagine how that feels.

One wife of a friend of my husband's said she learned a very, very harsh lesson about asking people about this. She was in her home town and met an old friend for coffee. The woman married young and always said she wanted lots of kids. So the woman I know said, "What about all those kids, what's going on" in a "jokey" way. Only to have her friend reply "I've had five miscarriages in three years and we're going through the adoption process. She was devastated to have upset her friend and said since that day she NEVER asks about it.

Acoshla

Yeah I always reckon I'd just tell the nosy git asking if I was having any problems, so many women experience miscarriages and lots of people have small problems conceiving, so I'd just be blunt and honest and shame them into shutting up.

Neyite

I've been there - at 36 and being with my partner over 7 years, I swear if I had a euro for every time we were asked about our marriage/baby plans we would be loaded by now. Thankfully most seem to have given up. In about a months time we will be announcing our long awaited pregnancy (with twins), so that should take care of the baby questions and also the siblings one, for now...pretty sure that now they will revive the old marriage gripe.

While there are advantages to telling people bluntly that you are having problems getting pregnant, you open yourself up to the inevitable gems of advice such as "you need to relax" or "you need to go on holiday" or you need to stop thinking about it and it'll happen", :rolleyes: which, if you hadnt already prevented yourself from gouging their eyes out with a spoon, would have your hand twiching at the cutlery drawer. People who dont know crap about fertility treatments start telling you what you need to do, and most of it is bollocks.

Then you get the "well, any news yet" on a monthly basis and get asked "have you tried sperm donors" - eh, why would I? his sperm are fine thanks. "have you tried egg donation" again, my ovaries work too thanks, not gonna pay thousands for spare parts that I dont need. I am already paying thousands for the stuff that will actually fix me.

The other dumbass question you get is have you thought about adoption. Well for starters, you have to be finished trying to get pregnant on your own before you begin adoption proceedings, and the screening process takes years. Add to that the fact that very few domestic adoptions can take place, as far fewer irish children are being offered.

I remember reading somewhere that in 2009, one single irish child was given up for adoption where they were not adopted by a relative. This is great that our social system encourages mothers to keep their children, but also it means that you do need to go abroad so have to battle with not only the HSE red tape here, but also in the country of origin of the child.

Maybe Angelina and Madonna makes it look easy-peasy, but its not for us non-celebs. Why would you put yourself through that when for roughly the same amount of money it would cost, you can have IVF nearby, and a possible child within a year?

I am pretty open about my fertility treatments to anyone who would benefit from the information, but if its just nosiness, good luck to ya! my stock response if I dont want to answer is to give them a long stare and just reply "thats a very personal question to ask, dont you think?"

LeeHoffmann

That's a good point about the inevitable follow-up questions Neyite - and Congratulations!

Dudess

It can be atrociously rude, nosy and insensitive. :mad:

That said, when it's from a member of older generations though, I see it as more innocent.

Acoshla

I think a lot of them don't even realise how rude they're being, so something like Neyite's "That's a very personal question don't you think" would be perfect, stop them in their tracks and make them think what they're saying.

I think I learned early on not to ask questions like this, in a reversed situation though, when I was 19 and a friend of mine told me she was pregnant, and that she was trying to take out a loan. I was trying to be nice and say sure ye've months to save before the baby comes, don't worry about it, when she told me that no, the loan was for an abortion because her boyfriend wanted her to get rid of it but wouldn't help her pay for it or go with her. I was so gobsmacked that I just shut up, and it made me realise that you never know what's happening in the background of relationships and the minefield of conceiving.

starlit

I find it annoying too I am neither married neither am I in a relationship and people ask!? Though If I were married, I probably would like a child fairly soon after though wouldn't be waiting around like. Though I am more likely to be asked do I have a boyfriend or when am I getting married, gets a bit annoying after awhile!? :mad:

username123

I am married 2 years and myself and hubby do not want to have children.

Immediate family no longer ask as we have been quite clear on it when asked by them in the past but plenty of other people ask when we are going to start having children.

I just say 'I dont want children, thats a bit of a personal question isnt it?'. You can see theyre dying to know why I dont want children but due to my already mentioning the personal nature of the question they tend not to continue.
The odd time that some fool then says 'oh but why not' or the ever patronising 'ah thatll change' I tend to just walk off rolling my eyes.

They probably think Im some kind of dried up grumpy old bint but I really dont care what randomers think of me based on my response their own nosiness!!

atila

Frankly I think your reaction to a bit of small talk is a bit too extreme. Excessive sensitivity is as bad as someone being insensitive.

Jack B. Badd

atila wrote: »

Frankly I think your reaction to a bit of small talk is a bit too extreme. Excessive sensitivity is as bad as someone being insensitive.

I think the whole "excessive sensitivity" thing very much depends on the circumstances. I'm Childfree and will happily have a conversation with pretty much anyone about it with a big self-satisfied grin on my face and it doesn't really matter what "bingo" they pull out because they're not living my life and making my decisions.

However if someone is trying to conceive and having problems, I can totally understand that the repeated questioning and commenting would become too much to handle. Being constantly reminded that something you want, something that other people "expect of you", is just outside your grasp must add extra unwanted pressure to the whole situation.

And please please don't ask someone who is pregnant is it their first.
kthxbye!

username123

Deleted User wrote: »

And please please don't ask someone who is pregnant is it their first.
kthxbye!

Dont ever ask if someone is pregnant - AT ALL.

I was seated by a waiter in London once who asked me when the bambino was due - needless to say I never wore THAT outfit again!

bills

I hear you. I am only married a couple of months & I am so fed up of this question.
People just assume you want children because you are married. It is so rude & annoying!! Mind your own business

username123

username123 wrote: »

Dont ever ask if someone is pregnant - AT ALL.

I was seated by a waiter in London once who asked me when the bambino was due - needless to say I never wore THAT outfit again!

Oh nooo

I used to get asked every day when I was pregnant on my daughter, aw, is it your first then when I said no they proceeded to ask ooooh, how many have you had, um, well this is my third, oh god you must be wrecked running around after two while you're expecting. Total innocence on their part but still, just don't ask! there are so many possible answers to that flippin question.

My daughter is now 7 and I have been off the pill for over three years and just can't seem to get pregnant but I constantly get the "are you not going to have any more" question

Maple

This is the one question I just do not ask, pregnancy, trying to conceive, it's all so private and can be an emotional minefield for people.

I just don't ask until I'm told something, it can be just too hurtful for some people.

IMHO babies are beautiful but Christ some people go through such torture to have one, it's everyone's own personal journey and unless they share it with me then I'm not asking any questions.

KittyeeTrix

I'll be honest and admit that I would have asked people in the past on hearing they were pregnant if it was their first.........
I had 4 children myself when I was aged between 20 and 29 and had never experienced any problems conceiving or carrying to term so until I started reading boards it would never have occurred to me that people do experience such issues and that I wouldn't necessarily know about them:o

I mean I knew people have miscarriages etc and fertility problems but I wouldn't have really had the awareness or cop on I suppose in some of my responses....

I know better now so don't ask the questions I would've in the past.....:)

wolfpawnat

I hate being asked "is that your only one" Yes it is, so fricken what!?!?!?!?!?!

"Oh baby is nearly 3 now, you'll need to start on the next one or there will be too long between then" - apparently "And, So What?" is not a sufficient answer for the nosy cows and gossips.

i agree as someone whos recently married it seems everyones taken an intrest in if im making babys now its madness!!!!

Abi

Congratulations Neyite, and best of luck LG



Tbh, I heard this crap in the past, and your initial reaction is anger. Though now, I feel sorry for people that believe in the 'steps' a couple should be taking, and religious interference despite the fact that most of them haven't been near a church in donkeys years. Pure hypocrisy.


And anyone with any sense wouldn't ask someone if they're pregnant or when are they due without the couple announcing it first.

Dudess

atila wrote: »

Frankly I think your reaction to a bit of small talk is a bit too extreme. Excessive sensitivity is as bad as someone being insensitive.

Asking people whether they are pregnant/having children is a bit of small talk?

And it's none of their business.

And who knows what private difficulties the person could be facing.

Dublin_Gunner

lazygal wrote: »

This is beyond wrecking my head, I was at a family party with my husband over the weekend and all sorts of people, single guys, older people, etc all asked my if I've got "any news" or "are you trying". How insensitive and old fashioned is it? Have people so little imagination that they can only think of asking that?



The very upsetting thing is that we ARE trying but we're having problems. Nothing too serious (I hope) but we will probably need help. So it's very, very annoying to be getting the nudges and the nods and the winks from people who seem to assume that all you'd be bothered doing because you're married is getting knocked up.

Next time someone asks, just tell them:


"well, I can't get pregnant, the way we 'do' it"

That should put an end to all questions.

Rubberlegs

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I hate being asked "is that your only one" Yes it is, so fricken what!?!?!?!?!?!

"Oh baby is nearly 3 now, you'll need to start on the next one or there will be too long between then" - apparently "And, So What?" is not a sufficient answer for the nosy cows and gossips.

I hear ya! I have an 18yr old, an 11yr old, and am expecting no.3. The amount of people who have pointed out the age gaps to me:rolleyes:. And the inevitable "maybe you'll get the boy this time?". Eh, I'll take what I'm given, thanks, as long as the baby is healthy, surely that's all that matters

pampootie

I often have to ask are women pregnant/breastfeeding when I'm working, when handing out prescriptions etc, and its a minefield. It's beyond me why anyone would bring it up in a social situation when they don't have to! I utterly hate having to ask in case it's a sensitive subject for the person but it has to be done.
I used to always chirpily ask pregnant women if it was their first too, until I copped on.

Logical Fallacy

Sadly it's not just after marriage that the baby hints start coming. I've noticed it quite a bit with people with regard to me and my girlfriend...first they start hinting at marriage and then they start hinting at kids.

The first will happen when we feel it's time and the second will never happen, it's one of the cornerstones of our relationship that neither of us ever want kids.

We won't change our mind.
We won't grow into the idea.
We won't get broody.

It's frankly annoying when people assume the only end goal to a relationship is to reproduce. Not everyone wants a kid, or multiples. I am well aware that being a parent makes many people happy and they have a loving bond with their child and i do my best to respect that and appreciate their happiness. It doesn't mean i want to join the club.

woodoo

Apparently one in 6 couples experience difficulty conceiving. So people are running a high risk of offending someone when they ask those questions.

I never ask.

Joey the lips

This happens all the time..... To silance it i rec you say "Nope no news yet but hubby had a great time jumping off the wardrobe last night" or "nope no news yet but getting plenty of practice in"

I dont think its bad minded its just people following a pattern. Anyone thats pregnant will tell you that the love to tell everyone and its the hardest secret to keep. Dont take it as a personel attack.

UpCork

This is my bug bear. People can be so insensitive and rude. Why is it anybody else's business whether you have children or not or how many.

robinph

Almost certainly guilty of all the lines above. But when landed next to some married/ person with a bump/ person with a kid running around their ankles at a social event that I've not met before what else am I supposed to ask them?

It is merely a way of kicking off a conversation with some topic that will probably then get them started on something else. Other options might be who did who on CoronationEndersOaksFarmFactor, but I've no interest in that rubbish. So either come up with a better thing to chat about yourself or just don't get offended by the questions. The person asking probably doesn't really care that much.

Of course if you know the person asking the questions then they should maybe have some better knowledge about what is going on in your world, but otherwise it's back to talking about the weather I guess?

Highly unlikely to have used the offensive lines above with people I actually know who may be married/ have bump/ have kids running around their ankles.

Dudess

robinph wrote: »

when landed next to some married/ person with a bump/ person with a kid running around their ankles at a social event that I've not met before what else am I supposed to ask them?

Fair enough to talk to a woman with a baby bump about having kids, but surely you're not saying you can't think of anything else to talk about with a married person/parent of a young child?

What would you talk about in such a situation with a person who ISN'T married/the parent of a young child?

Other options might be who did who on CoronationEndersOaksFarmFactor, but I've no interest in that rubbish.

Again, why are you pretending there's such a limited pool of topics to chat about?

So either come up with a better thing to chat about yourself

Why should they?

or just don't get offended by the questions

Why shouldn't they? I don't get how it's so strange that a person would be at least annoyed by someone asking them whether they're trying for children. Surely it's a private and personal matter?

Of course if you know the person asking the questions then they should maybe have some better knowledge about what is going on in your world, but otherwise it's back to talking about the weather I guess?

Ah... the weather - there's a topic you could opt for when you feel stuck.

robinph

Well you'd be looking for some other topic of conversation, but if there are obvious starting points such as "Oh you've got a bump...", "Oh, that's your fella, got any kids?", "That your ankle biter, got any others..." then why not use them?
They are pretty good default options for people to start with, and certainly better than what's on telly or the weather.

Plenty of other things to talk about with people, but you have to start somewhere and until you know something else about them you are pretty limited. Ask a question and see where the topic leads to. If they don't want to chat about that subject then simple to start talking about something they do want to chat about.

Neyite

robinph wrote: »

Almost certainly guilty of all the lines above. But when landed next to some married/ person with a bump/ person with a kid running around their ankles at a social event that I've not met before what else am I supposed to ask them?

It is merely a way of kicking off a conversation with some topic that will probably then get them started on something else. Other options might be who did who on CoronationEndersOaksFarmFactor, but I've no interest in that rubbish. So either come up with a better thing to chat about yourself or just don't get offended by the questions. The person asking probably doesn't really care that much.

Of course if you know the person asking the questions then they should maybe have some better knowledge about what is going on in your world, but otherwise it's back to talking about the weather I guess?

Highly unlikely to have used the offensive lines above with people I actually know who may be married/ have bump/ have kids running around their ankles.

There are loads of things to ask someone outside of querying their marital status or the status of their sex life/reproductive organs. And I know plenty who are glued to the soaps and have never been one to watch them.

You can ask about their holidays, hobbies, where they live, where is good to go out in their town, what they do for a living, what class their kid is in, the education system for children these days, who they think is the likely candidate to win the presidential election, the economy, the Greek bailout... Just because someone is starting /adding to a family does not limit their knowledge to Corrie/X Factor. If it is, I want my money back!

robinph

what they do for a living - potentially risky if there are kids isn't it, will they get offended if they have had to give up their job for instance, or will they get upset because the job doesn't give them enough time with the kids? Anyone can get offended by anything if they really want to get offended.

what class their kid is in, the education system for children these days, - Are these not all just different variations on what I was saying about asking parents about their kids?

There are loads of things to talk about, and chatting about kids/ pregnancy will be pretty close to the bottom of my favoured list of topics to chat about. But sometimes the topic comes up, so you have to go with it. I'll try not to get too offended if someone expects me to know, or care, about what is going on in XBrotherOutofhere. People who are married shouldn't get offended if someone asks the perfectly reasonable question about if they have kids or not.

atila

So basically the rule of thumb should be to avoid the humanity of the person you might be talking to and only broach topics that are safely devoid of any emotional pitfalls, if you are lucky enough to think of any.

Of course its none of anyones business, what's going on in your life, but most people making small talk are just trying to be nice to you,make a connection and show some interest in you. good grief talk about massive over reactions.

Perhaps in these scenarios when someone unwittingly steps into your emotional pitfall you may consider the circumstances and context of their transgression and perhaps take it into consideration, before blaming them for bringing to the fore the thing it is that hurts you.

Neyite

robinph wrote: »

People who are married shouldn't get offended if someone asks the perfectly reasonable question about if they have kids or not.

Being asked about X factor is way different to being asked about your personal reproductive choices. Would I get offended by somone asking "did you see X Factor" - Of course not - its idle chit-chat. Asking me if I have kids - well, how do you know that maybe I cant, but would dearly love to, or maybe I miscarried last week for the umpteenth time. Or maybe this months IVF failed, yet again. Mabye I was lucky once to have a child, but now have secondary infertility and cant concieve the sibling everyone thinks I should.

Its not about me getting offended, but it may be a privately very sore subject. Lots of times I have had to fake a brave face when someone announces a pregnancy, when that very morning, I found out I was unsuccessful for yet another month. I have had nerve wracking appointments in the fertility clinic, yet hours later I get some busybody inform me that I am "getting on" and would want to start having kids because my ovaries are in decline. I never got offended, but I cant say that sometimes some remarks didnt privately upset me in what was already an extremely stressful time.

robinph

Neyite wrote: »

Being asked about X factor is way different to being asked about your personal reproductive choices. Would I get offended by somone asking "did you see X Factor" - Of course not - its idle chit-chat. Asking me if I have kids - well, how do you know that maybe I cant, but would dearly love to, or maybe I miscarried last week for the umpteenth time. Or maybe this months IVF failed, yet again. Mabye I was lucky once to have a child, but now have secondary infertility and cant concieve the sibling everyone thinks I should.

Maybe you know that the person you are chatting to does a bit of singing, ask them about xfactor, they get all offended because Simon Cowell told them they were useless in last weeks audition...

Say it's been raining a lot lately, chat about the weather, person has a relative who drowned in some flood in Oz or Pakistan so they get offended...

Start chatting about what you do for a job, someone gets offended because your doing two jobs and they can't get one...


Nothing is a safe topic really.

Ickle Magoo

robinph wrote: »

Maybe you know that the person you are chatting to does a bit of singing, ask them about xfactor, they get all offended because Simon Cowell told them they were useless in last weeks audition...

Say it's been raining a lot lately, chat about the weather, person has a relative who drowned in some flood in Oz or Pakistan so they get offended...

Start chatting about what you do for a job, someone gets offended because your doing two jobs and they can't get one...


Nothing is a safe topic really.

I think you are being deliberately facetious about a topic that causes an awful lot of heartache and upset for many. I don't think going through life accepting you might have to navigate around/through subjects close to peoples hearts is such a bad thing - it's certainly better than deliberately thinking "feck it, they're as likely to have auditioned with simon cowell last week as have fertility issues, so I'll just say whatever falls out my mouth"...

seamus

robinph wrote: »

Nothing is a safe topic really.

I understand what you're saying. And to a certain degree it can be an OK topic when used as smalltalk, as in, "Do you have kids". I do it, and not necessarily to married people. If children is a topic, I'll often ask anyone who looks remotely around or over 30 years old, "Do you have any kids yourself?".
There's a difference between such smalltalk between relative strangers and someone who is clearly prying or trying to ask leading questions. Family, relatives and friends can't ask "do you have any kids", they know the answer. So any questions about children are more invasive than a simple smalltalk question from a man on the street.

In any case, you have to agree that some topics are always more sensitive than others. You wouldn't meet someone and break the ice with them by tell a joke about Down's Syndrome. Equally you wouldn't start with, "So, I think religion is a big pile of bollocks, how about you?", for a number of reasons.
So it's not fair to say that no topic is safe. Some topics are very obviously unsafe, and anything beyond, "Do you have any kids?" is unsafe unless the person offers more information.