Am I the only person in the world not engaged??

beckman

You might say "get the violins out " for this one, and you'd probably be right.......at the moment I am feeling very sorry for myself.....everyone around me of a similar age (30) or younger is getting engaged and I'm not even seeing anyone...At work, of the roughly 16 other people I sit with on a daily basis for breaks, 7 are engaged since x-mas and the others are mostly married , with kids and in relationships....does anyone else ever feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives and you're stuck in a rut.................??

nicechick!

For Fub Sake!! Relax why does everyone fell the need to do what everyone else is doing

ardinn

Im 28, all my friends bar 1 or 2 are single, I was out last night, ended up at a house party full of students 17 - 23 and felt right at home, dont know what my point is but im still desperately hungover, and im not engaged, broke up with my last g/f cause she wanted babbies and marriage - pfft - im still a child! If I never get married i wont care me thinks!

Tandey

nicechick! wrote: »

For Fub Sake!! Relax why does everyone fell the need to do what everyone else is doing

Everyone is different and maybe just maybe the op is the type of person who would have wanted to be settled down and in a long term relationship of some sort by now, why do assume to think that everyone feels the needs to do what everyone else is doing

starlit

You are not alone OP! I am single so can't speak for myself really but only a few of my friends are engaged not all that many though most of them are in relationships. Those who are engaged are with their partners for years and have known each other for a long time. Some are in their 20's others are in their 30's. I'm only in my mid 20's yet so not in a rush to settle and get married just yet...need to find myself a man first lol!

lazygal

I was always, always, always the single one. It got a bit annoying, when I was out with my partnered mates it would be "OOOOOOH, let's find Lazygal a fella, what do you think of him" etc. Most of my friends were in very serious long term relationships whereas I had a few things that fizzled out.

I then went to a party alone (only knew the host) and met a guy, we chatted the whole night, started going out and a year later we got engaged, and we married seven months later. Meanwhile, my friends aren't engaged, aren't married and are still with their partners.

My point is, it's not a race or something to get hung up on. Like, I was the LAST person my friends thought would be married before them, but we knew it was right and didn't want to wait for ages, we just wanted to get hitched. It did bug me when I was single that they all seemed to be moving on with life but you know what? Life happens regardless of whether you're single or married or with someone, only you have to make things happen. I've seen people stick it out, hoping and hoping himself will pop the question, and TBH they have their lives on hold, not the single people.

Dudess

Tandey wrote: »

Everyone is different and maybe just maybe the op is the type of person who would have wanted to be settled down and in a long term relationship of some sort by now, why do assume to think that everyone feels the needs to do what everyone else is doing

Kinda does seem like beckman is more concerned about being the "odd one out" though, however the post you refer to, Tandey, is harsh all right, and I don't think beckman that you should feel compelled to justify yourself with the violins comment.

It's understandable that you would feel left out and lonely, but, and this advice is going to annoy you as it's so simplistic: don't worry. Put it into perspective - in time you'll be wondering why you were this bothered. It feels like a big deal, but it really, really isn't. And you are most certainly not the only one (in your age group). Try and look into other things to do - settling down is obviously a reasonable goal, but it shouldn't be the only one.

LadyMayBelle

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

You're not alone! Almost 29..Me and the boy are going out 6 years and not a sign nor light of an engagement..most of our friends are already engaged, some married, but not us and one couple close to us. So don't worry!

do you want to and if so have you talked about it?

LadyMayBelle

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Yes and yes... sorry I think I misread the original posts, Im in work...

It's ok, I was just wondering when you said "no sign of it"

LadyMayBelle

Apologies, misread original posts..in work and sneaking a peek, sorry!

starlit

lazygal wrote: »

I was always, always, always the single one. It got a bit annoying, when I was out with my partnered mates it would be "OOOOOOH, let's find Lazygal a fella, what do you think of him" etc. Most of my friends were in very serious long term relationships whereas I had a few things that fizzled out.

I don't like it when that happens! Did you not?

I then went to a party alone (only knew the host) and met a guy, we chatted the whole night, started going out and a year later we got engaged, and we married seven months later. Meanwhile, my friends aren't engaged, aren't married and are still with their partners.

Aw that's great. Congrats! I suppose things happen for a reason and they happen at the right time for a reason not just making it happen, it happens when it happens and is the right time and right thing to do rather than forcing the issue. You be my new person to look up to! Cause I am in the same boat was you before you met your partner. Great to know these special things still happen! Best things come to those who wait!?

My point is, it's not a race or something to get hung up on. Like, I was the LAST person my friends thought would be married before them, but we knew it was right and didn't want to wait for ages, we just wanted to get hitched. It did bug me when I was single that they all seemed to be moving on with life but you know what? Life happens regardless of whether you're single or married or with someone, only you have to make things happen. I've seen people stick it out, hoping and hoping himself will pop the question, and TBH they have their lives on hold, not the single people.

I agree, I have stopped trying to think like that but I find I am under pressure to find someone as a couple of my friends are either attached or engaged though not many of them but a lot of them are still single or playing the field. Though I know more people who have kids before the whole marriage thing though. Everyone is different I suppose. Ya I think like that alright that be the last one to get married though I am not in a rush to settle or get married but feel I am at that age where I should be getting to the stage of settling down or at least find a partner like what ever happens happens like.

I suppose just wait until you meet that deserves you really! Don't hold out for someone who acts the maggot and so on. May not be perfect or not what you imagine to be the person you end up with but things happen in mysterious ways, its all about keeping the surprises of life a secret. I suppose you don't know until it happens all the better for it when it is a surprise! It happens at the right time for the right reasons with the right person!

Ya I see what you mean you think they are all moving on in life but turns out they aren't really.

Very true, life is very much like that!:)

Nolanger

nicechick! wrote: »

why does everyone fell the need to do what everyone else is doing

Because we're Irish!

flossie

I am 28 and single now for a couple of years. Part of me is enjoying my life, but there is also a part of me that yearns for the 'stability' of being in a serious relationship. I go through phases of feeling sorry for myself, when i think 'that's it, i'm on the shelf, people have given up on me now', but then i also go through phases of enjoying my singledom (not shaving your legs for ages can be a very satisfying feeling )

I am a person that is slightly happier in relationships than out. I think i am of the opinion (and so are many of my friends) that i will find somebody one day and know straight away that it is 'meant to be' and things will go zooooom. Well, i live and hope

Snoopy1

I'm 32 and there's not a hope of me getting engaged. I've been engaged twice and I really cant see it happening again.
I'm going out with someone but it's early days and v rocky.
I have to listen to everybody at work talking about their wedding plans or talking about their own weddings last year.
I feel incredibly left out and sad because I don't think it's ever going to happen for me.

Maple

No, you're not the only person not engaged.

I do get your frustration OP, but try not to let it get on top of you. I'm from a small town and get asked the question about giving people a day out on a regular basis, it used drive me mad but now I just shrug it off.

No point in stressing about it, I think anyway.

Neyite

I'm not engaged, much to the eternal despair of my mother, bossy sister and unofficial mother-in-law.:D And I am also 36, which further compounds their woe.

We have gone past all the engagements of other friends, attended all their weddings, a scattering of christenings and now are starting to hear about the ones heading for divorce.

Sometimes I miss that we havent done the official thing, other days I am all "independant woman". It really depends on my mood.

CathyMoran

When I was 30 I had just broken up from a long term relationship that I had been in for most of my 20's and had then broken up with the rebound...by the time I was 32 I was married to the man that I had been dating for most of my 20's and we have had children together. I had all these plans when I was younger but life never goes to plan...

IvyTheTerrible

Everyone ELSE wants me to be engaged. I'm in a long term relationship and I'm expecting so that's what I'm "supposed" to do. Drives me nuts, tbh.

Ickle Magoo

beckman wrote: »

You might say "get the violins out " for this one, and you'd probably be right.......at the moment I am feeling very sorry for myself.....everyone around me of a similar age (30) or younger is getting engaged and I'm not even seeing anyone...At work, of the roughly 16 other people I sit with on a daily basis for breaks, 7 are engaged since x-mas and the others are mostly married , with kids and in relationships....does anyone else ever feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives and you're stuck in a rut.................??

Bet you there are just as many attached, married folks and parents pining, even if just occasionally, for the days when they could go out as much as they liked, were mortgage free, had a different date every week, etc, etc. Enjoy what you have, the grass isn't any greener this side.

Neyite

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Everyone ELSE wants me to be engaged. I'm in a long term relationship and I'm expecting so that's what I'm "supposed" to do. Drives me nuts, tbh.

Jaysis. Thanks for the warning, so!

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Bet you there are just as many attached, married folks and parents pining, even if just occasionally, for the days when they could go out as much as they liked, were mortgage free, had a different date every week, etc, etc. Enjoy what you have, the grass isn't any greener this side.

I don't mean this as a direct attack on you so I hope it doesn't come across that way, but this is something that my married friends with children sometimes say to me that really doesn't sit right with me. I totally accept that no matter what your situation is, it always seems like the grass is greener. And I also realise the huge lack of freedom that goes with having kids. But when people tell me how lucky I am to be able to go where I want when I want, I find it very hard to accept that as a consolation for something I've always longed for and may never have.

I have a very full life and in no way am I sitting around waiting for a knight in shining armour. But I would happily forego my busy social life and the freedom to do what I want to have someone to share my life with and to have children. I very much doubt that many who have what I want would swap, despite the fact that they may occasionally think the grass is greener.

xxtattyberxx

I have been engaged twice to two different men, Im only 27. I can honestly say that if I had married either of them I would have ended up miserable for the rest of my life.
Im only single a few weeks pretty much since I was 14/15 and in hindsight have started to think WTF was I ever thinking, but at least Ive 2 fake diamond argos tack in my jewellery box.
Im not saying its the same for everybody but I do think that getting married before 30 can be an immature and silly decision. Most people these days are only deciding what they want to be (career wise) in their mids 20's, never mind making the decision of who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Persoanlly Im planning on taking the next few years to myself before I ever contemplate another realtionship, Im planning on education myself fully, travelling a bit , getting financially secure, starting my career... I genuinely think these are things people need to do before making other life decisions.

Ickle Magoo

ajmdjgjm wrote: »

I don't mean this as a direct attack on you so I hope it doesn't come across that way, but this is something that my married friends with children sometimes say to me that really doesn't sit right with me. I totally accept that no matter what your situation is, it always seems like the grass is greener. And I also realise the huge lack of freedom that goes with having kids. But when people tell me how lucky I am to be able to go where I want when I want, I find it very hard to accept that as a consolation for something I've always longed for and may never have.

I have a very full life and in no way am I sitting around waiting for a knight in shining armour. But I would happily forego my busy social life and the freedom to do what I want to have someone to share my life with and to have children. I very much doubt that many who have what I want would swap, despite the fact that they may occasionally think the grass is greener.

I wasn't suggesting anyone should feel lucky they don't have the partner or children they want - I hope that's not how my post read. Just that both sides have their pro's and con's and while pining and self-pity re what we don't have won't change anyone's situation, acknowledging the other side is never as green as it looks when we're sitting looking longingly at it, might just take some of that lush sheen off...

Hope you get the life you long for. :cool:

baldymac

im with my gf for 7 years living togeher, we have been to many weddings and also almost all of her friends are married or engaged,

she wants to get married of course, but really we cant affored to

also i have low confidence going through with it, id be to nervous with every1 watching and the speech, just not for me.

so all i get from others is


"when are you getting married"
"its ur turn next" etc

drives me mad.

im happy as we are now

Acoshla

baldymac wrote: »

im with my gf for 7 years living togeher, we have been to many weddings and also almost all of her friends are married or engaged,

she wants to get married of course, but really we cant affored to

also i have low confidence going through with it, id be to nervous with every1 watching and the speech, just not for me.

If ye just want to be married couldn't ye just pay the €250 or whatever it is for the licence and have a tiny wedding, no big crowd watching you and you don't HAVE to make a speech. My parents got married with just two witnesses. This is what gets me, people saying they can't afford a wedding. What most of them can't afford is the big reception, not the wedding.

cgarrad

http://www.pof.com/

CathyMoran

baldymac wrote: »

im with my gf for 7 years living togeher, we have been to many weddings and also almost all of her friends are married or engaged,

she wants to get married of course, but really we cant affored to

also i have low confidence going through with it, id be to nervous with every1 watching and the speech, just not for me.

so all i get from others is


"when are you getting married"
"its ur turn next" etc

drives me mad.

im happy as we are now

Agree with Acoshla here, it is possible to have a small wedding without ths speaches, that is what we did.

Ophiopogon

I'm in my late 20's and single. Most of my friends are with their OHs 7+ years. In one group of friends, I am the only single one and I have started to get the "Mr right is only rounf the corner" crap. It does piss me off as when some people say this I feel that they do not know me very well in as that they think that this is what concerns my every waking minute. I'm happy being single, I prob would be happy being in a relationship too but I'm not nor ever have actively seeked out one.

I do not understand this worry over marriage. I know of couples where she has given an ultimatium of marry me or we are over. I don't get this as I can't see what marraige is giving you that you would be giving up what you call a serious commited relationship.

Its the same with the thead on people asking when your having kids, these are not issues that effect anyone but yourself and so are not anyone elses problems and they should not make comments on it.

Wibbs

cgarrad we prefer actual intelligent input around here. Your post hardly qualified.

baldymac

Acoshla wrote: »

If ye just want to be married couldn't ye just pay the €250 or whatever it is for the licence and have a tiny wedding, no big crowd watching you and you don't HAVE to make a speech. My parents got married with just two witnesses. This is what gets me, people saying they can't afford a wedding. What most of them can't afford is the big reception, not the wedding.

well she of course like most others, would like the traditional wedding etc
id take her to vegas do it there an suprrise everyone then.

baldymac

also she said she would never have a child unless she is married, maybe she is old fashoined or worried about what parents would think

dellas1979

But like, isnt it half the fun finding someone you want to settle down/be with?

I see people who are married having affairs/trying to have affairs/not happy/settled too young/locked in marriage of convenience/broke.

I do not envy one person who is engaged or who is married. Marriage has become such a "laissez-faire" thing to do for everyone - as someone else has said, do you have to do something because everyone else is doing it? Awful reason to get married/or want to get married. At least I know if ever take the plunge, it will be for the right reasons.

Sauve

I was always of the opinion that I wanted to get married, settle down, and have kids asap.
But recently coming out of a long term relationship, where I could never have seen past him, and our future together, the way I think now couldn't be further from back then.
It's about having fun, enjoying life, and if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet, even better. Just not actively looking for 'a husband'.

Dudess

Nolanger wrote: »

Because we're Irish!

It's an Irish thing? Really?

Did you put any thought into that?

cladda1112

beckman wrote: »

You might say "get the violins out " for this one, and you'd probably be right.......at the moment I am feeling very sorry for myself.....everyone around me of a similar age (30) or younger is getting engaged and I'm not even seeing anyone...At work, of the roughly 16 other people I sit with on a daily basis for breaks, 7 are engaged since x-mas and the others are mostly married , with kids and in relationships....does anyone else ever feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives and you're stuck in a rut.................??

Your remind me of me about 10 years back. Alone and depressed. Remember thinking that i would never find anyone. Then when i was not expecting it on a sunday evening in a local pub i met someone. Now 10 years later with two kids and a mortgage strange to look back. You will meet someone just be patient. Never in my wildest dreams did i think i would meet someone i would want kids with and now i have a beautiful girl and a beautiful baby boy. Just wait..your day will come just be patient

atila

It amazes me how much people who write on these boards can peg themselves against the lives of others and stand in critical judgement of themselves because of it.

In my experiance, benchmarking yourself to others doesnt do you any good. Its a recipe for a constant state of disatisfaction. No matter how good things are for you, you'll find something to be unhappy about.

cgarrad

Wibbs wrote: »

cgarrad we prefer actual intelligent input around here. Your post hardly qualified.

I met the love of my life on Facebook so a little bit qualified ;-)

Ickle Magoo

cgarrad wrote: »

I met the love of my life on Facebook so a little bit qualified ;-)

So post that instead of just a link then - it is a discussion forum, after all. :cool:

seenitall

atila wrote: »

It amazes me how much people who write on these boards can peg themselves against the lives of others and stand in critical judgement of themselves because of it.

In my experiance, benchmarking yourself to others doesnt do you any good. Its a recipe for a constant state of disatisfaction. No matter how good things are for you, you'll find something to be unhappy about.

If I found myself sitting in a room full of successful professional athletes/salesmen/lawyers on a daily basis, I imagine it wouldn't affect me much one way or the other. Good for them, but I have my own, quite different, wishes and dreams, so watching their success would not impinge on me emotionally in the least.

If, however, I found myself sitting in a room full of happily partnered/married/attached people on a daily basis (which I happily don't!:pac:), I know I couldn't help getting all kinds of feelings of loneliness, aloneness and isolation. Because these people's lives would constantly be mirroring my unfulfilled desire for my own life. Just ask any woman who is trying to conceive but has fertility problems, ask her if all she sees in the street, at work, in the shops, aren't, very painfully, pregnant bellies all around her, a sea of baby bumps all the time. That's not happening to her because she is pegging herself against the lives of others, it is happening because the reality around her mirrors her own, quite personal, quite individual, unfulfilled desire to have a baby.

You can call it benchmarking or dissatisfaction, I call it a part of human nature, and I think it is quite useless saying it doesn't do anyone any good. It will be happening as long as there are people around, and as long as those people have desires and aspirations for their lives.

That's my take on the OP.

Ickle Magoo

While looking around at how other people live and occasionally comparing is a part of life, atila is right - doing so obsessively to the point of being made miserable and unable to see the other positives in life is really not a healthy way to live your life...and as there is always someone out there with more/what we want regardless of our circumstances, it is completely pointless - though in saying that, I don't think people who are obsessed with a particular desire have chosen to feel that way or are able to control their obsession, so suggesting they just switch it off is also futile.

seenitall

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

atila is right - doing so obsessively to the point of being made miserable and unable to see the other positives in life is really not a healthy way to live your life...

Atila didn't write anything like the above ^^^^ (unless I missed a post). I replied to the post no. 36.

Ickle Magoo

I wasn't attempting to paraphrase another poster - just add to their sentiments with my own...ignore the dash and add an "and" if you want?

seenitall

OK, and in that case (if that kind of comparison becomes a person's miserable obsession to the point of exclusion of all the positives in their lives), I agree it's very unhealthy. But I really don't see anything like that in the OP, or any of the posts agreeing with the OP, so far.

Ickle Magoo

I agree - atila's post said "people who write on these boards" and I was thinking/posting along those lines ie right across the site too. :cool:

atila

seenitall wrote: »

If I found myself sitting in a room full of successful professional athletes/salesmen/lawyers on a daily basis, I imagine it wouldn't affect me much one way or the other. Good for them, but I have my own, quite different, wishes and dreams, so watching their success would not impinge on me emotionally in the least.

If, however, I found myself sitting in a room full of happily partnered/married/attached people on a daily basis (which I happily don't!:pac:), I know I couldn't help getting all kinds of feelings of loneliness, aloneness and isolation. Because these people's lives would constantly be mirroring my unfulfilled desire for my own life. Just ask any woman who is trying to conceive but has fertility problems, ask her if all she sees in the street, at work, in the shops, aren't, very painfully, pregnant bellies all around her, a sea of baby bumps all the time. That's not happening to her because she is pegging herself against the lives of others, it is happening because the reality around her mirrors her own, quite personal, quite individual, unfulfilled desire to have a baby.

You can call it benchmarking or dissatisfaction, I call it a part of human nature, and I think it is quite useless saying it doesn't do anyone any good. It will be happening as long as there are people around, and as long as those people have desires and aspirations for their lives.

That's my take on the OP.

Firstly i agree that its very human, understandable and extremely common for peoples state of mind to be affected by the people around them. I disagree though that people should just accept it. Its terribly limiting and enslaving to find yourself feeling bad due to your own perceptions of others happiness.


My comments only relate to when the actions of others act as the creator of the unhappiness. So that the unhappiness is caused directly by the perception of what others have and we dont.

This to me is a bad vice, an extremely negative emotion and is more prevalent then people would like to admit. Its limiting, enslaving, and counter productive to happiness. I think its always important for people to sit back and really access where the unhappiness lies. Do you really feel unhappy in the first instance because you have not a marriage relationship with someone, or are you unhappy in the second instance because the peer group have something you dont? In my opinion people are often very mixed up as to wether the unhappiness they feel exists independetly of what they see around them or whether its caused by old fashioned envy.

seenitall

atila wrote: »

My comments only relate to when the actions of others act as the creator of the unhappiness. So that the unhappiness is caused directly by the perception of what others have and we don't.

Well, then it was me who took you up wrong before, atila (nothing unusual for me!:o). I agree with the above.

Where we disagree with each other, I think, is as to what amount of population would be authentically dissatisfied with a particular aspect of their lives, vs. those who are merely envious/swayed toward "benchmarking" as a result of witnessing others' happiness. Perhaps I am very biased/wrong, but IMO the former instance is much more common than the latter one.

izeult

You're not the only one, since by BF broke up with me it seems that just about everyone else in my circle is getting engaged, getting married or getting pregnant. Sometimes I'm not sure if I would rather be by myself instead of with the wrong person (I know, it's not a good thing to think or say) but it gets very lonely.

It seems that some friends and people I know seem to think if you're not coupled up you're just not worth including in plans which is fierce annoying.

It is so easy to say not to stress but when it seems like the world and it's mother are moving on, finding a partner, falling in love it is very easy to feel like the odd woman/man out.

atila

fear of being the odd one out is a bit childish.

seenitall

atila wrote: »

fear of being the odd one out is a bit childish.

Perhaps so, but it is as valid as any other human emotion. Feelings are not rational. I'd wager most people have been there, at some point or another in their lives, over some social situation or another. If you haven't, you must be an extraordinarily strong and self-sufficient individual.

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend nearly 7 years and was very eager to get engaged for a while now. He was not too keen which upset me.

Now after discussing it properly and honestly, he is happy and we are getting engaged for Christmas and picking our ring now.

He is really excited too and we are very happy.

We do not want kids.

I think honesty can do a lot and if a person still won't move forward, then tough decisions have to be made

dammitjanet

Both my sister's met their future husbands at 18/19, got engaged at 21 and had their first child by 23.
I met my OH when I was 19 and I never had any intention of getting engaged any time soon, and nether did he. But we got all the usual questions, along with being asked was i getting "the gold bracelet" that my sisters both got for their 21st (which is the traditional last gift a woman is meant to get before a ring). I don't think relatives quiet knew how to respond to me saying, "Nope, I'm getting a PS3!"

Now I'm 24, still with the wonderful boy and still as happy as always. Don't need a ring to prove that to others, we'll do that at a time thats right for us