The name changing debate

lazygal

I'm married a few months and decided not to change my name. My husband doesn't care, he left the decision up to me and we've decided any future kiddies will have double barrel names.

I've gotten a lot more comment on my decision than I thought. Lots of cards and post now comes to Mr and Mrs Hisname, and people have assumed I'm now Mrs Hisname, and when I point it out they are a little surprised. I'm surprised that they are surprised and that a lot more women now keep their name.

I would love to hear how others feel about changing their name!

Miss Olenska

I hate my surname, so I'll be changing it if I get married. I much prefer my mother's birth surname but father dearest would be very hurt if I started using it, as his surname is a rare Irish name.

lazygal

So your dad would be less hurt that you took your husband's name than your mothers? Seems odd!

looky loo

congratulations on your recent wedding..

I changed my name when I got married, it was a pain when we separated, driving licence, passport, bank account, credit cards etc...all had to be changed back. Up to yourself but I dont think it makes any difference whether you take his name or not. If you are both happy thats the main thing.

Asphyxia

I wouldn't really mind and either would my partner, I think I would change it though but I wouldn't feel shocked or surprised at anyone who didn't. We're living in different times now and keeping your name shouldn't be a big deal.

Congrats on being a newly wed

Miss Olenska

lazygal wrote: »

So your dad would be less hurt that you took your husband's name than your mothers? Seems odd!

Heh, well, he wouldn't be hurt because the convention is to change your name to your husband's so it would be easy to hide behind that. He wouldn't think that strange.

dammitjanet

My OH has a deadly second name so I'll be changing mine

I don't see the name change this as losing my identity as I've heard some discribe it as, I like to think of it as starting our own family under a family name (but again, I'm lucky that his second name is deadly so I've more incentive to change I suppose). I also have no problem with men taking womens names, I just like the idea of a family name for your new family

That said, if his second name was something silly sounding or that didn't work with my name I don't know if I'd still have this same way of thinking...

ElleEm

I will keep my name when I get married. I've felt this way since I was a child. It's just who I am!

I know a load of girls who planned on keeping their own names after marriage but kinda felt pressured into changing it by him/ his family.

username123

Im married 2 years and I use both. My passport and bank stuff is all still in my single name (except for 1 account that I changed to cater for Mrs Hisname cheques), so if Im booking hotels or things Ill be using a credit card for I use Ms Hername, but for non financial/travel I use Mrs Hisname - like hairdressers, physio, gym etc...

Ill probably renew my passport in Mrs Hisname and then sort of slowly change bank, driving licence etc...

tbh I never really gave much thought to the name change, Im equally happy to be called Ms Hername or Mrs Hisname - I dont particularly identify with my own name so it doesnt matter to me. He doesnt care a bit and his family jokingly refer to me as 'The Young Mrs Hisname' but if they overhear me using Ms Hername they dont seem to care either. Its not really a talking point one way or the other.

Ive never really had much of an issue what people call me - so long as I know its me they are referring to or calling I dont mind what they use!! Im not militant about it either way.

I do find it hard to sign Mrs Hisname though - its much longer than my name and Im not used to signing it quickly.

AnneElizabeth

I think it's nicer when everyone in the family has the same surname, it just seems more complete, like "The Smiths", or whatever the surname may be. Hate the idea of double-barrelled names, they're too long and what happens when your kids get married - it's too confusing.

convert

From a young age, I've always maintained that I wouldn't change my name when I got married, but I suppose I won't know for definite until I actually get married.

Three of my friends have gotten married recently: one changed her name (she's very traditional), one didn't (again, no surprise there), while the third, who had said she wouldn't change her name, ended up doing so as they were applying for a visa as a couple and it made life much easier to change her name. So I guess one can never say for definite until they are in that situation.

I remember reading a thread relatively recently, I think it may have been in the parenting forum, on this very topic. It actually became quite heated as it invovled discussing using double barrelled surnames for children, and the assumptions which could be reached by 'outsiders' (i.e. a teacher said that they would assume that the parents of a child with a double-barrelled surname were separated), which actually really surprised me. Ok, a double-barrelled surname may be quite long and awkward for children, and there may be issues when the kids go to get married, but I don't think that people should judge parents because they don't change their name, opting to use a double-barrelled one instead of having the issue where the mother and father's surname are different.

I don't think there is a right or wrong approach to the topic in hand. If a girl doesn't want to change her name, then she shouldn't have to, and there should be no assumptions made. Similarly, there should be no discussion surrounding a girl changing her surname to that of her husband should she feel that way inclined. Everyone has their own preference, and they shouldn't be criticised for it.

daenerysstormborn3

I don't really care either way. My name doesn't define me as a person so I don't see what the big deal is. My name is just my name, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

If I get married and change my name I probably won't change all my official documents, like passport or licence as I think that's a lot of hassle for something insignificant.

If I ever get married it would be to express my love and commitment to somebody not so I can rush off to the post office and send away forms to have everything changed.

A girl I worked with got married and the day she came back to work after a 2 week honeymoon she had her work email address changed to her married name. I thought that would be the last thing on her mind.

LegacyUser

when i got married it was abroad and i was asked what my married name would be as part of the paperwork, i hadn't planned either way so had to decide on the spot

i couldn't bear to loose my name as i felt that i had professional rep in maiden name, but
also couldn't bear to not take my husbands name as want to be a family ie the "meringues"
esp if we have kids

so i said i would become double barrelled, hubbie didn't

i love my new full name but everytime i say well my married name is ..... people say- too long can't use that-
so i use maiden name at work and for all official stuff as haven't changed it officially
i use hubbie's name for everything i can, booking anything on the phone i'm mrs meringue

Acoshla

I don't care, would probably use both, my own professionally and his name on most other stuff.

What I don't understand is what happens when your own kids are getting married if they have double barrel names, do they just give up both, keep one and put it with new name to make new double barrel....?

Elmidena

Joked with the OH a few years back that we'd make a double barrelled name of our own when we got married, no loss of heritage etc on either side! Since decided I don't want to be in any way related to his family so had a bit of a change of heart...but luckily a wedding's a long way off in the distance so plenty of time to think about it!

I wouldn't mind taking his I suppose, that whole family unit thing. I'm not really known under my single name anywhere that would make it a hassle to change so that's fine.
I'd still prefer to change to Ms Smith than Mrs Smith though, and anyone trying to call me Mrs John Smith will get a punch. Yes, people do still write mr and mrs john smith sometimes and it would drive me mental

Will

My mother never changed her last name upon marrying my father. Not really an issue I don't think for most people in this day and age. If I ever get married won't take issue if the wife to be wants to keep her own name.

KittyeeTrix

I had been with my husband 12 years and had 4 children by the time we eventually got married............(too busy making babies to make it down the aisle:D:p)

The kids had all been using just my surname and so we decided that we would just keep it that way. The kids and me use my surname whilst hubby uses his surname.........I'm not into the double surnames at all.

Stuff like that just doesn't bother us too much!! We're kinda easy going:):)

Malari

I've no imminent plans to marry, but it came up in some tv show we were watching the other night and I said to my boyfriend I would keep my name. He was a little surprised, but he admitted he actually likes my surname and thinks it suits me.

Strange, because I have a very unusual name and used to wish it was different when I was a kid. I told my dad once I hated it and couldn't wait to get married so I could change it! It's just who I am now and I can't imagine getting used being called anything else.

sam34

I don't intend to marry so it's not an issue for me, but hypothetically if I were to marry there's no way I'd change my name. it's how I've always been known and I don't think marriage vows should change that. marriage doesn't change your identity so why should you change your name?

Wolfe Tone

When I get married I would hope the wife would take my name, if not I really hope at least any sons we may have would take it.

Double barrel names imo are a bit silly, kind of self defeating, what happens when the kids get married? Triple barreled?

In some families, mine at least, keeping the name alive is a big deal.

The wife taking the husbands name is a nice tradition imo.

krudler

in some European countries the woman keeps her own name, if theres kids then the son gets the fathers name and the daughter the mothers.

Wouldnt bother me if I married and she didnt take mine.

x Purple Pawprints x

OP congratulations on your wedding.

This is definitely one tradition I would like to follow so I'll take his name if I do get married. I won't mind being called Mrs either tbh. In other respects I'm not what you'd call traditional but when it comes to marriage I am, not sure why.

sam34

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

When I get married I would hope the wife would take my name, if not I really hope at least any sons we may have would take it.

Double barrel names imo are a bit silly, kind of self defeating, what happens when the kids get married? Triple barreled?

In some families, mine at least, keeping the name alive is a big deal.

The wife taking the husbands name is a nice tradition imo.

what if keeping the name alive is an equally important tradition in the wife's family?

Wolfe Tone

sam34 wrote: »

what if keeping the name alive is an equally important tradition in the wife's family?

In keeping with the tradition, they are pretty much fecked if they don't have a son aren't they?

jaffacakesyum

I really like my surname; it's quite rare/unusual. On top of that, I'm a real family person. I know if I was marrying I'd be starting a new family but..I'd still like to carry on my family name.

That said, while a double-barrel name wouldn't be too confusing, I dunno what we'd do if we had kids. They'd have to drop one of the barrel names

jaffacakesyum

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

In keeping with the tradition, they are pretty much fecked if they don't have a son aren't they?

No because not all women are expected to take their husbands surname when they marry. Not everyone is as old fashioned as you.

solerina

Nothing would make me change my name !!!

Wolfe Tone

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

No because not all women are expected to take their husbands surname when they marry. Not everyone is as old fashioned as you.

Its more to do with the kids taking the husbands name than the wife tbh!

Jack B. Badd

No intention of getting married but I have noticed recently that, because I organise most of our paperwork (e.g. setting up insurance policies, etc), he has been referred to as Mr MyName in a couple of emails. Can't say I dislike it tbh...plus the cat has my surname attached to her at the vet/cattery/etc so on the off-chance that we did go mad and get hitched I reckon it'd make more sense for him to take my name

Scarinae

My name is an unusual enough combination, I think I'm the only person with my name (I'm certainly the only one who comes up in google results). If I changed my name to a more common surname I wouldn't be as unique Having said that, my boyfriend's name is fairly uncommon as well, I just tried googling my name with his surname and there isn't anyone... Hm

Anyway, I don't know what I would do. While in a way I can see the appeal of having one family name, and how this would make things easier; for example if my children had a different surname to me, could they travel on my passport? On the other hand, I don't see why I should be the one who has to change my name, even more so for women who are in careers where they have built up a reputation with their own name. I'll be interested to see if my brother's fiancé chooses to keep her name or take on ours, as she is a scientist and has published papers.

I'm proud to be from my family though, and I have a family signet ring that was given to me on my 21st birthday. Maybe I would do what other posters have done, and keep my own name for some things and take on a married name for others.

sam34

sam34 wrote: »

what if keeping the name alive is an equally important tradition in the wife's family?

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

In keeping with the tradition, they are pretty much fecked if they don't have a son aren't they?

they could always give the children double barrelled surnames, it doesn't appear "silly" to everyone.

or, shock horror, the children could have the wife's name only.

Wolfe Tone

sam34 wrote: »

they could always give the children double barrelled surnames, it doesn't appear "silly" to everyone.

or, shock horror, the children could have the wife's name only.

And what happens when the kids get married then? What happens if double barreling really catches on? Long term double barrelling names is self defeating and will result in the name not being carried on.


Double barreled names can sound stupid, only some combinations sound decent enough.

krudler

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Its more to do with the kids taking the husbands name than the wife tbh!

so why's it ok to stop a woman's family name carrying on but not a mans? although if you wanna get technical about it its still a mans surname, the woman would have had her fathers name not her mothers maiden one, providing her mother took his name when they married also. I'd imagine it pretty rare to find a few generations of women who never took their husbands names, it'll probably happen more in future generations though.

Acoshla

Fishie wrote: »

While in a way I can see the appeal of having one family name, and how this would make things easier; for example if my children had a different surname to me, could they travel on my passport?

My mother kept her maiden name and there was never any issue throughout my whole life with us having different surnames, so it's not a hindrance to that sort of thing anyway IME.

Valentina

My name is very unusual so I'd keep mine.

Any kids we might have, I think I would have their passports etc double barrelled and they could choose for themselves if they wanted either or both names in everyday use.

I wouldn't care about being the "one name family" for the sake of others convenience.

ToniTuddle

Me and mum were discussing this the last day!

With all the pros and cons on both sides I still honestly don't know what I would do.

helimachoptor

tbh i prefer my wifes surname. However she's one of six daughters and no sons so I think some pressure is being applied to her to keep her name (we're getting married next year)

Enkidu

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

The wife taking the husbands name is a nice tradition imo.

Interestingly, it's not an Irish tradition. Prior to the adoption of English customs here in the 19th Century women rarely took their husbands names.

shinny

Plus you have to factor in the whole area of heritage. I have cousins in Austria who have their Dad's (my uncle by marriage) surname. Growing up they always just had his name.

When they became adults they wanted people to know they had Irish roots and so chose to tag on our family name at the end. Purely their decision and I can understand it. They are very proud of their Irish roots!

Wolfe Tone

Enkidu wrote: »

Interestingly, it's not an Irish tradition. Prior to the adoption of English customs here in the 19th Century women rarely took their husbands names.

That is interesting, what names did the kids take? I would have thought clan names were very important?

seenitall

I'm in the "haven't changed it upon marriage" camp. Too attached to my own name, I do consider it a part of my identity I suppose.

Kooli

It just wouldn't occur to me to change my name.

I don't like the origins of it (echoes of ownership), but even apart from that, my name is my name and I don't see why marriage to a man should define either my name or my title (so I won't be 'Mrs.' either), when a man is not identified in any way by whether or not he is married.

I have always been me. I don't see why I should have a new name just because I married someone. I didn't become him.

CaliforniaDream

I'm keeping my name. Partly because it's how I know myself, partly because I don't like the idea of 'joining' his family, partly because I'm stubborn and partly because it just doesn't matter.
If we have kids I don't care whose name they get. If we give them both surnames what's the harm in that?
There are two many 'ifs' when people say 'what happens when they marry?' and 'what if they marry someone with a double-barreled name?' and 'what if their kids marry someone with two surnames :eek:?'.
Most of this isn't going to happen. It's just not. Chances of all the kids wanting to keep all names are unlikely. Some will drop a name, some will take husbands/wives name etc.

I hate the tradition argument. If you're so big on tradition then choose to follow them all. Don't follow traditions just where it suits.

Pick the name you want, go with it and ignore anyone who says different.

sam34

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

And what happens when the kids get married then? What happens if double barreling really catches on? Long term double barrelling names is self defeating and will result in the name not being carried on.


Double barreled names can sound stupid, only some combinations sound decent enough.

those kids can then decide which name they want to use.

Dolbert

I wouldn't change mine, mainly because his name is weird and doesn't go with my first name. I've seen him have to repeat and spell it often enough to put me off! Shallow, moi? :pac:

The kids can have his name, we'll just give them names that go with it. One of my friends changed her middle name to her husbands and now uses the initial. I thought that was nice.

Kooli

I find it interesting that a lot of people seem to operate from the default position of 'I'll change my name unless I've a good reason not to' (i.e. don't like his name, my name is very unusual, I have built a career on my name etc.)

My default position is the opposite - that I will keep my name unless I've a good reason not to. I'd need a very good reason to change my name - it's my NAME!!! So in the absence of any very good reason to change my name, I'll keep the name I've had for 30 years thanks!

I suppose it's the difference between approaching the question of the name change as 'Well why wouldn't you change it?' vs. 'Well why would you change it?'
It's a subtle but important difference, and I think it's pretty interesting.

Dolbert

Kooli wrote: »

I find it interesting that a lot of people seem to operate from the default position of 'I'll change my name unless I've a good reason not to' (i.e. don't like his name, my name is very unusual, I have built a career on my name etc.)

My default position is the opposite - that I will keep my name unless I've a good reason not to. I'd need a very good reason to change my name - it's my NAME!!! So in the absence of any very good reason to change my name, I'll keep the name I've had for 30 years thanks!

I suppose it's the difference between approaching the question of the name change as 'Well why wouldn't you change it?' vs. 'Well why would you change it?'
It's a subtle but important difference, and I think it's pretty interesting.

Some people might simply like the tradition of it. There's a poster on another thread who said that she got a lot of flack from her friends for changing it as it was 'anti-feminist'.

Also, a marriage is about partnership, and if it was very important to my husband to be I would at least consider it.

Malari

Kooli wrote: »

I find it interesting that a lot of people seem to operate from the default position of 'I'll change my name unless I've a good reason not to' (i.e. don't like his name, my name is very unusual, I have built a career on my name etc.)

My default position is the opposite - that I will keep my name unless I've a good reason not to. I'd need a very good reason to change my name - it's my NAME!!! So in the absence of any very good reason to change my name, I'll keep the name I've had for 30 years thanks!

I suppose it's the difference between approaching the question of the name change as 'Well why wouldn't you change it?' vs. 'Well why would you change it?'
It's a subtle but important difference, and I think it's pretty interesting.

Well, I mentioned my name was unusual, but that in itself is not my reason for not changing (if we ever married). My reason is it's my name, why on earth would I change it!

LeeHoffmann

I will change my name as my H2B is the last in his family so it would mean a lot to them, plus there's no chance of my family name dying out - far too many of us already! We will take both names ie Mr. and Ms. Myname Hisname but we'll really only use hisname I'd say. If he wasn't the last in his family and I one of hundreds in mine then we would probably have come to a slightly different decision.

Kooli

Dolorous wrote: »

There's a poster on another thread who said that she got a lot of flack from her friends for changing it as it was 'anti-feminist'.

Also, a marriage is about partnership, and if it was very important to my husband to be I would at least consider it.

Isn't it just a little bit anti-feminist? Now I'm not saying a feminist can't change their name, but I do think it's not a very feminist choice. Trying not to sound judgemental when I say that...I suppose that I am someone who would describe myself as a feminist and would take it seriously, but I know that I have made choices that could be described as not very feminist choices. I still had my dad walk me down the aisle and 'hand me over' for example, I'm not going to pretend that doesn't go against my feminist ideals, but I went with it for other reasons.

And if it had been important to my husband, I probably would have considered it, too. But I doubt I would have done it.
And if he REALLY insisted, I think I'd find that attitude a bit worrying. I've seen such attitudes over in the Gentleman's Club - but some men say they wouldn't want to marry a woman who wouldn't change their name, and I wouldn't want to marry a man who thought that way, so I guess everyone wins!