Have you ever "dumped" friends?

Philip Lombard

Hi boards.ie, long time listening first time caller here

I was just wondering has anyone experienced what I am at the moment. I have 2 groups of friends (about 5-6 in each) for the last 10 years but now as I am almost 30 I find myself completely sick of the majority of them.

When younger you tolerate people a lot more but these days I'd rather be alone or with the gf than spend time with them. However they are just not getting the message and keep contacting me again and again, yet it wouldn't be right to tell them to feck off.

I'm not gonna be immature and say they have all turned into assholes when it's more than likely me who has changed. This is sorta a serious topic so maybe "After hours" isn't the place but we'll give it a go!

Anyone gone through this or have any tips? Cheers!

Rothmans

Philip Lombard wrote: »

Hi boards.ie, long time listening first time caller here

I was just wondering has anyone experienced what I am at the moment. I have 2 groups of friends (about 5-6 in each) for the last 10 years but now as I am almost 30 I find myself completely sick of the majority of them.

When younger you tolerate people a lot more but these days I'd rather be alone or with the gf than spend time with them. However they are just not getting the message and keep contacting me again and again, yet it wouldn't be right to tell them to feck off.

I'm not gonna be immature and say they have all turned into assholes when it's more than likely me who has changed. This is sorta a serious topic so maybe "After hours" isn't the place but we'll give it a go!

Anyone gone through this or have any tips? Cheers!

Jesus, they're very small aren't they:eek:

retalivity

ignore?

batistuta9

women wrecking male friendships again

charlemont

Yes, I grew out of some things and no longer associate with people who bring on trouble.

Hurricane-Dean

Hey OP welcome to AH

I'm only in my 20's but have gone through this scenario in the last couple of years, mainly as a result of them basically using me and treating the missus like crap. Long story short I cut off all ties as in deleted numbers/de-friended on facebook/ignored them. (sounds harsh but they deserved it, talked to them and got me no where).

I used to have a big group of close friends that has turned into a small group. But I would rather have 4-5 friends that I can trust and can depend on than 10+ who I don't get on with.

As for tips only you can decide what to do, this was just my experience and I did what I felt was best. Maybe a few drinks and drunkenly bring it up and see what reaction you get?

hondasam

Philip Lombard wrote: »

Anyone gone through this or have any tips? Cheers!

I got dumped and it's not nice, be nice to your friends, you never know when you might need them.

Temptamperu

Women come and go but the boys will always be there.

retalivity

i dont see the need to 'dump' them...can you not slightly disassociate yourself from them?
Like, make your excuses some weekend that your busy, cut down how often you see them, and revisit the situation when this becomes the norm?

unless they are complete bell-ends, disassociate immediately and repeatedly

Philip Lombard

Hurricane-Dean wrote: »

Hey OP welcome to AH

I'm only in my 20's but have gone through this scenario in the last couple of years, mainly as a result of them basically using me and treating the missus like crap. Long story short I cut off all ties as in deleted numbers/de-friended on facebook/ignored them. (sounds harsh but they deserved it, talked to them and got me no where).

I used to have a big group of close friends that has turned into a small group. But I would rather have 4-5 friends that I can trust and can depend on than 10+ who I don't get on with.

As for tips only you can decide what to do, this was just my experience and I did what I felt was best. Maybe a few drinks and drunkenly bring it up and see what reaction you get?

Cheers for that.

These people haven't done anything bad or mistreated me in any way whatsoever though so I think deleting them etc would be a bit harsh in my case! But I know you did what you had to.

I can imagine that drinks session lol ! "Hey guys, guess what - you all really annoy me ! hahaha"

LighterGuy

Philip Lombard wrote: »

Anyone gone through this or have any tips? Cheers!

Sounds like you've out grown them mate. nothing wrong with that. As you suggest, theres no need to say "fu*k off dont want to be near you no more!" - would be a bit harsh :pac:

Just keep fobbing them off. They'll get the picture eventually. Dont lie too. If they are asking you to do stuff, by saying your not interested it will sooner make them cop on as to making excuses.

Bipolar Joe

Have dumped and been dumped. People out grow each other, it happens. Last time I ditched someone I told him if I saw him again I'd kick his teeth in. He was a dick. Do that.

jill_valentine

Yeah, I sort of divorced a friend a while back. I realised she was sort of toxic to be around, she was totally self absorbed and really high maintenance to be around, and she started slipping into casual racism and homophobia a lot more often, and I just couldn't hack it. She was thoughtless and selfish, and I just didn't have the patience or energy left to indulge her.

We had a lot of fun times and great laughs together when we were younger, but it just wasn't worth it anymore. I just gradually cut her out. It wasn't easy because we have a lot of mutual friends, but it had to be done, being around her was putting years on me.

Hurricane-Dean

Philip Lombard wrote: »

Cheers for that.

These people haven't done anything bad or mistreated me in any way whatsoever though so I think deleting them etc would be a bit harsh in my case! But I know you did what you had to.

I can imagine that drinks session lol ! "Hey guys, guess what - you all really annoy me ! hahaha"

You would be surprised, I brought it up at the end of the night during the "i love you man" speeches and voiced my opinion. A few of them changed their tune and I get on better than ever with them. The ones who continued with their nonsense are the ones gone.

But a talk with or without drink could be a start.

Richard Hillman

Whatcha gonna do when yo bitch dumps ya for somebody with a better paying job and nicer car. Will you go crawling back to your dawgs when you need a trip to coppers to cheer yourself up?

Women are always on the lookout for a more suitable partner to protect their young. Its instinctive.

retalivity

i watched you in corrie for years and even though you killed duuuurty maxine i never thought you would come out with language like that mr hillman.

Karona

Philip Lombard wrote: »

I'd rather be alone or with the gf than spend time with them.

If your girlfriend ever breaks up with you, who are you gonna go crying to.... more than likely those friends that you want to disassociate yourself from and more than likely they probably wont want anything got to do with you because you fobbed them off.

You do know you can still have friends and go out with someone at the same time? You are going to get sick of your girlfriend if you are around her 24/7.

I really don't get people like you. I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude or anything but i get really pi$$ed off when people drop their friends just to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend the WHOLE time. Its ridiculous.

Sorry for the rant and welcome to Boards.

WallyO

Karona wrote: »

If your girlfriend ever breaks up with you, who are you gonna go crying to.... more than likely those friends that you want to disassociate yourself from and more than likely they probably wont want anything got to do with you because you fobbed them off.

You do know you can still have friends and go out with someone at the same time? You are going to get sick of your girlfriend if you are around her 24/7.

I really don't get people like you. I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude or anything but i get really pi$$ed off when people drop their friends just to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend the WHOLE time. Its ridiculous.

Sorry for the rant and welcome to Boards.

He never said he wanted to get rid of them just so he could spend all his time with his girlfriend.He said he'd rather be alone or with his girlfriend.What's the point hanging around with them if he doesn't want to?If you don't enjoy someone's company it's only natural to want to distance yourself from them.There's no point keeping them around just in case he breaks up with his girlfriend,that's not fair on them either!
I've purposely disassociated myself with numerous people over the years for whatever reasons,just by slowly cutting contact with them.Sometimes with the group of friends I have now I'll get tired of hanging out with them and not talk to them for a few weeks,it's only natural.They're not offended by it and if someone is tired of hanging out with I would have no problem if they didn't want to be around me.Keeping friends around just in case is just pointless.Cut loose man!

Saila

better to get new ones first
been there done it a few times, people outgrow each other its normal

Mapck

What if John Lennon had decided to hang-out with Yoko-Ono and listen to her instead of his friends? Ya that one gets you thinking.

mackg

Repeatedely come on to everyone of them regardless of sex until no one talks to you anymore.

By the way enjoy the mess you are about to create for yourself if you and the gf break up.

Princess Peach

No but I have been dumped by too many

doomed

Be careful. The fact that you are thinking about it before acting is wise because friends are really important no matter how close your relationship is.

There are a lot of people who would like to have friends calling them even if they can be irritating. Have they any good points?

GFs and bfs can be threatened by their partners friendships so if you are letting them go make sure its on your own account.

Find other people you like and spend more time with them and just let the other friendships wither. They will if you are never available. You may not be as big a part of their lives as you think.

Good luck with it anyway.

The Rook

Yep, have dumped a fair few friends along the way.

I'm a (very average) guy and my friends are mostly girls and there seems to be a disproportionate amount of them who wanted more than just friendship. e.g. one "friend" asked me 5 weeks before my wedding if I would leave my wife-to-be and go out with her (even though she was a lesbian) and then 2 weeks later asked if I would father a child for her and her partner. That fruit loop was dumped fairlyquickly. The process? Just don't respond to mails, don't answer texts, be short on phone calls... pretty soon things just drop off.

bijapos

Philip Lombard wrote: »

Hi boards.ie, long time listening first time caller here

I was just wondering has anyone experienced what I am at the moment. I have 2 groups of friends (about 5-6 in each) for the last 10 years but now as I am almost 30 I find myself completely sick of the majority of them.

When younger you tolerate people a lot more but these days I'd rather be alone or with the gf than spend time with them. However they are just not getting the message and keep contacting me again and again, yet it wouldn't be right to tell them to feck off.

I'm not gonna be immature and say they have all turned into assholes when it's more than likely me who has changed. This is sorta a serious topic so maybe "After hours" isn't the place but we'll give it a go!

Anyone gone through this or have any tips? Cheers!

I'd definitely take your time on this. I'm 40 and learnt the hard way that you shouldn't always burn your bridges. Friends are important, real friends more so. You say you are sick of the majority of them but not all of them, personally I'd stay in touch with them, you don't have to meet every weekend but once a month or whenever will do no harm.

Its not like your girlfriend where you live with each other, you don't need to see these friends every day, and a split up with a partner is invariably worse than with your gf. As a poster said above, when (if) she is gone the mates will always be there.

You should try to work out why you are sick of your friends. Do you work together, are you going out with each other several nights a week telling the same stories? Maybe ye are just with each other constantly and have grown a bit tired of each other. Maybe you need a break from them so try to reduce the amount of times you meet them for a while and see how it goes.

The last thing you should do is "split up with them" and have a row about it, there is no need for this from what I can see. True friendships can last for years. A bunch of us still meet up once a year for a major session, they are great friends from years ago, and we've helped each other out at various times since then and its always good to know they are there. If they were all living in Dublin I probably wouldn't meet them too often but things are fine as they are.

Once people get married and have kids they will have a lot lees time for each other and you will rarely meet, so old friendships will cool down. You will invariably meet new friens through your kids and all of your lives will go in a slightly different direction.

Just try to remember that friends are important, we all get sick of the sight of each other, its possible its just a phase you are going through or its a case of friends overkill so maybe you should think a bit more about cutting off contact with them.

mackg

^^listen to this guy, solid advice

stovelid

Dump them.

But don't expect them to entertain you when you go crawling back to them when your mot dumps you.

Sgt Hartman

batistuta9 wrote: »

women wrecking male friendships again

^What he said. Looks like the missus has the pink handcuffs locked firmly on the OP's wrists.

I had a friend just like this. I hadn't seen him in months, it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth. Then one day myself and my brother saw him passing along in his ex-gf's car and the mystery was solved.

Carter P Fly

I think that as you get older you realise that you dont want to be friends with some people that you were friends with earlier in your life. You have different values and keep in contact with some people and meet other new people. I dont believe in keeping in contact with people as a safety cushion when things go wrong in your life.

Alter-Ego

I've dumped people who were arseholes. But if someones a good person and hasn't done anything to screw you over then why dump them?

Cool things down and create a bit of distance but don't go being a b1tch by "Dumping" people.

py2006

Philip Lombard wrote: »

Hi boards.ie, long time listening first time caller here

I was just wondering has anyone experienced what I am at the moment. I have 2 groups of friends (about 5-6 in each) for the last 10 years but now as I am almost 30 I find myself completely sick of the majority of them.

When younger you tolerate people a lot more but these days I'd rather be alone or with the gf than spend time with them. However they are just not getting the message and keep contacting me again and again, yet it wouldn't be right to tell them to feck off.

I'm not gonna be immature and say they have all turned into assholes when it's more than likely me who has changed. This is sorta a serious topic so maybe "After hours" isn't the place but we'll give it a go!

Anyone gone through this or have any tips? Cheers!

Wow, so you are talking about 20 friends!!! Are you sure its not YOU thats the problem here? or as suggested earlier your girlfriend!!

phasers

yet it wouldn't be right to tell them to feck off

Here's your problem OP. If you don't like people then tell them as much. Why would you maintain a friendship with people you don't like? I've never understood it and I never will.


...this is probably why I only have 3 friends. At least I like them all though.

Koltashe

Its only natural to go through different friends through out your life... and yes some will stick around for years and some will be there at your deathbed...

I honestly don't see what the problem is? You dont want to spend time with them then when they call and invite you out just say you got other plans.

Do keep in mind that if not all but at least some of your friends will mature and grow as well and you might find yourself re commecting with them. So be nice and keep in touch no one is forcing you to spend every waking hour with them, but no need in dumping cutting people out of your life just because at the moment you don't find much in common with them.

bnt

I'm still friends with three guys I met in school, despite the fact that we live in four different countries now. But then I have a narrow definition of "friend": I've met various other people over the years and see some of them at times, but I'd call them acquaintances, not friends. If I needed help, my friends would be there for me, my acquaintances would not - and vice versa. My friends are the guys who made an effort to engage with me, instead of the usual apathy and dilettantism.

I think the word "friend" has been devalued recently, thanks to social networking (Facebook etc.). I see that Google is pushing back against this trend with Google+: your contacts are "people", and you choose the "circles" to which they belong. They're not friends in Google+ unless you put them in the circle called "Friends".

Lord TSC

I've lost contact with pretty much all the guys I went to school with unfortunatly. Although they were my best friends, there was some major opinion and lifestyle differences which led to a bit of trouble. Despite the fact I loved them all, I found out most of them were constantly *****ing about me behind my back, spreading rumours and making plans to do stuff to me I found competly unforgivable. I clung to the relationships for so long but eventually realised sometimes people just aren't meant to be friends.

I'm well aware that some of the problem lies with me, in that I'm the one with akwards views, but at the same time, I'm not beating myself up over it. For ages I thought "Wow, maybe it's bad I don't try harder to stay in touch and organise stuff", until I realised none of them were bothering with me either...

cityhunter

I have the same experience with you...
feel a little annoyed...

FTGFOP

Karona wrote: »

I really don't get people like you. I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude or anything but i get really pi$$ed off when people drop their friends just to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend the WHOLE time. Its ridiculous.

Are you saying here that one should stay friends with people you don't really like or relate to?

johnayo

Blast them with ??????????????

4zn76tysfajdxp

Mapck wrote: »

What if John Lennon had decided to hang-out with Yoko-Ono and listen to her instead of his friends? Ya that one gets you thinking.

Why, he could've ended up being murdered!

starlit

Ignored or distanced my self from friends ya but not necessarily dumped unless we got into an argument or something or didn't agree on something and didn't get pass that. Just generally end up ignoring or distance ourselves if the friendship starts to be one-sided.

ItsNoAlias

(Sarcastic)Try being an absolute C*NT to them... it always worked for me in the past... sinceyou dont want them to be your friends anymore than you shouldnt care what they think.

Or just email the ones you want to get rid of the link to this thread with the title "From my REAL friends to my EXfriends".

EverEvolving

OP - you should put this up on facebook -

"I'm currently making some changes in my life, and if you don't hear from me, then you're one of them."

People who do that are soo cool :rolleyes:

Apolloyon

The stab wounds were self inflicted and they crawled into the black bags on their own. I was merely facilitating their desire for deep sea diving without any breathing apparatus.

Any more questions can be directed to my legal team from now on.

Sierra 117

I've dumped a few friends. Used to hang around with them in school but once I left school, I realized I had little in common with them. It didn't help that two of them had no problem hitting other people when they got upset or angry.

saywhatyousee

Dont do it OP.At the end of the day the boys will always be there.All i have to do is walk down to the corner and they will always be there with a funny story and a j.We always lend any each other money and there is never any bother paying it back.I would say were more like a band of brothers than friends.Reading this thread just made me realize how lucky i am.

Abi

charlemont wrote: »

Yes, I grew out of some things and no longer associate with people who bring on trouble.

This ^


I've always dissociated myself from people who attract drama of any kind. About a month ago a 'friend' of mine threw an absolute bitchy hissy fit just because I couldn't go over to hers for the night. She had a few drinks on her and said a couple of things she shouldn't have, things I had confided with her and she lash it all back at me.


Red card offense. Bubbye.

Wattle

I quit booze 8 years ago so I had to stop hanging around with my drinking buddies. Suddenly I had nothing to say to them anymore.

ItsNoAlias

Abi wrote: »

This ^


I've always dissociated myself from people who attract drama of any kind. About a month ago a 'friend' of mine threw an absolute bitchy hissy fit just because I couldn't go over to hers for the night. She had a few drinks on her and said a couple of things she shouldn't have, things I had confided with her and she lash it all back at me.


Red card offense. Bubbye.

Fair play to ya Abi. Had a "friend" from school do this to me a few years ago only he said the stuff to other people he was in the pub with. I aint spoken to him once since and we see each other all the time. I let it be known I do not like him and if anyone mentions him I always say "I have nothing bad to say about that man".

Funnily he has nothing but bad things to say about me. I aint the most likable bloke in the world but as I am socially inept but even I wouldnt do that just to get people to like me.

Move on and move up I say.

marcsignal

I've had to lose, or rather, 'avoid' a few long term friends over the last few years. In each case it was down to drink.

I drank hard, and all the time in the 90s, and had great fun doing it, but some of the lads I know from back then just never got beyond that.
I got pissed off hanging out with them eventually because they were always 6 pints in, by the time we'd all meet up at 9 O Clock. You're playing catch-up all night, while listening to them going on about the same shit, week in, week out.

It's a pity really, they're nice blokes in their own way, but I'm convinced one of them will be dead, or completely alienated, before he hits his mid 40s if he keeps it up.:o

Wattle

marcsignal wrote: »

I've had to lose, or rather, 'avoid' a few long term friends over the last few years. In each case it was down to drink.

I drank hard, and all the time in the 90s, and had great fun doing it, but some of the lads I know from back then just never got beyond that.
I got pissed off hanging out with them eventually because they were always 6 pints in, by the time we'd all meet up at 9 O Clock. You're playing catch-up all night, while listening to them going on about the same shit, week in, week out.

It's a pity really, they're nice blokes in their own way, but I'm convinced one of them will be dead, or completely alienated, before he hits his mid 40s if he keeps it up.:o

There's always a few sad cases amongst groups of friends. It's good that the penny dropped for you and you've been able to distance yourself.

guitarzero

I had a group of "friends" who I just ignored, pretended not be around when they called by, when in their company I found I had less to say and just grew bored of them. They were pretty dumb and was only friends with them by working with them, not by choice.
Now, I'm in another group of "friends". Im realizing a lot of it is to do with how boring I think many people are, how mundane their conversations can be and how little I care for the things and events they are enthused by.