Being the other woman.

daffidol

I suppose my question is what does the other woman feel when she knows the man she is involved with has a wife and kids at home who he has not left for you.
I know you don't owe the wife anything and your not the one who has commitments,
How do you feel when he leaves to go home at night, Christmas, weekends and
b holidays.
Really what I like to know is what makes you hang in there for long periods of time, and if you give up why is that.

SarahMs

I'm not sure what kinda of reply you really want here, as I suppose every 'other woman' situation is diff.

Had a friend was 'the other woman'......... she knew all the baggage it came with and had to just accept, while she was part of his life, she wasn't his life.

My personal view on it is, if your getting involved with someone who has the wife/kids/commitments on holidays then be prepared to play second fiddle to all the other things in his life.

princess-lala

SarahMs wrote: »

My personal view on it is, if your getting involved with someone who has the wife/kids/commitments on holidays then be prepared to play second fiddle to all the other things in his life.

I agree with this! Also, I don't see the appeal to a man that has all this baggage!

Maybe its the whole what you can't have senario but if it were me and I knowingly got involved with a man who had a wife/partner/girlfriend I do know I'd be pretty annoyed the first time they were picked over me! But thats the situation you have gotten into when you do take up with a man already attached.

Wibbs

I dunno about other "other men" beyond myself, but it has been my experience that "other women" (among mates and such) are coming at things from a different angle and often want more, or are addicted to the excitement of the forbidden and unreachable. The latter if they ever do get more may become bored as quick as they fell into the whole deal.

Speaking from the other side as a guy who has been "the other man" on occasions. I was happy with the arrangement. Why? I was happy when they went off "at night, Christmas, weekends and holidays". I was happy that the primary guy got the day to day nitty gritty domestic stuff. I don't "do" domestic so well TBH. So precisely because I didn't want more and wasn't looking for a future, I could enjoy the moments as they came and detach when I wanted and being in that position pretty much guaranteed a lack of something else. It may be from a different angle but what does that tell you about the value of being the other and waiting around for more?

My 2 cents anyway.

PS I would never and I mean never consider a future with a woman(in my case) who I was involved with in such a scenario. Fine for a brief flingette, but anything more stable? Eh no. They had proven themselves by their actions. I don't seek to excuse my morality BTW. My morality or lack thereof I keep to myself and my own counsel, but I wasn't exactly lily white in this.

daffidol

I'm trying to make sense on a personal experience. My husband had an ongoing affair/relationship ( I was not aware of it ) with a woman who knew me, met my kids and she had a child wit him. I have no doubt that he lied to her and made promises. We have separated and of course the affair has "fizzled out" She is an intelligent woman and I just cant make sense of the situation. what was the point

daenerysstormborn3

There's enough baggage in your average relationship without complicating things more.

MagicMarker

daffidol wrote: »

I'm trying to make sense on a personal experience. My husband had an ongoing affair/relationship ( I was not aware of it ) with a woman who knew me, met my kids and she had a child wit him. I have no doubt that he lied to her and made promises. We have separated and of course the affair has "fizzled out" She is an intelligent woman and I just cant make sense of the situation. what was the point

Intelligent people do all sorts of stupid shít. If I were you I wouldn't try and rationalise the situation, because doing what she did just isn't rational in the first place.

LittleBook

SarahMs wrote: »

I'm not sure what kinda of reply you really want here, as I suppose every 'other woman' situation is diff.

Agreed. So maybe if we narrow it down to your specific situation OP:

daffidol wrote: »

My husband had an ongoing affair/relationship ( I was not aware of it ) with a woman who knew me, met my kids and she had a child wit him. I have no doubt that he lied to her and made promises. We have separated and of course the affair has "fizzled out" She is an intelligent woman and I just cant make sense of the situation. what was the point

Just looking at the other woman, in a case like this I have to guess that certain feelings are blocked and a certain kind of delusion sets in.

Maybe she wanted a proper relationship with him evenutally and/or he lied to her, but she has to have seen him in your company and with his children around him. I'd love to say that no-one with half a brain would fall for the old clichés (we don't sleep together, I'll leave her when the kids are older) but you just have to look at problem pages and lifestyle articles to see that many supposedly intelligent women (and men to an extent) still fall for this crap.

Maybe, as Wibbs said earlier, being the "other woman" is just a viable alternative to a domestic relationship for some women, but then I'd have to wonder about how careless they'd have to have been for her to get pregnant.

So I'm leaning towards the first guess. But, as MagicMarker said, it's hard to rationalise something that seems so irrational.

This is all supposition as I simply can't imagine having an affair with someone, never mind knowing their wife and kids in the process. There's always a level of deception involved in cheating but I just can't get my head around this particular level.

So sorry this happened to you OP, hope you're getting on OK.

Penny Dreadful

daffidol wrote: »

I suppose my question is what does the other woman feel when she knows the man she is involved with has a wife and kids at home who he has not left for you.
I know you don't owe the wife anything and your not the one who has commitments,
How do you feel when he leaves to go home at night, Christmas, weekends and
b holidays.
Really what I like to know is what makes you hang in there for long periods of time, and if you give up why is that.

Personally speaking I think very little of anyone, male or female, who gets involved with someone who is already in a relationship. You may not have made commitments to the husband/wife but IMHO basic moral decency would tell you that you're going to be party to causing a world of pain and suffering and so leave well enough alone.

Ickle Magoo

daffidol wrote: »

what was the point

I think it could be one of a million different things - insecurity, love, lust, boredom, desperation, jealousy, opportunity, convenience, etc, etc...I don't really think you are ever going to get an answer that will give you any kind of closure, short of discussing it with her.

I had a partner who cheated and I spent a long time blaming the other woman and trying to convince myself that it was, in part, her fault that my partner cheated on me - but in reality it was him that was in a relationship; it was him and him alone that made all the promises and told all the lies. While it's difficult to understand why someone would knowingly wish "the other woman" role - clearly enough do it that there is something in it for them. Of course, all the blame lies at the feet of the person who gives them that role and makes it worthwhile/seem worthwhile, however they do that.

All the best you, it's such a difficult thing to get over and move on from.

Penny Dreadful

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think it could be one of a million different things - insecurity, love, lust, boredom, desperation, jealousy, opportunity, convenience, etc, etc...I don't really think you are ever going to get an answer that will give you any kind of closure, short of discussing it with her.

I had a partner who cheated and I spent a long time blaming the other woman and trying to convince myself that it was, in part, her fault that my partner cheated on me - but in reality it was him that was in a relationship; it was him and him alone that made all the promises and told all the lies. While it's difficult to understand why someone would knowingly wish "the other woman" role - clearly enough do it that there is something in it for them. Of course, all the blame lies at the feet of the person who gives them that role and makes it worthwhile/seem worthwhile, however they do that.

All the best you, it's such a difficult thing to get over and move on from.

A proportion, a larger proportion maybe, but not all of the blame lies at the feet of the (supposedly) committeed husband/wife/partner for "making" the "other woman/man" role. I think each individual is ultimately responsible for their own actions and if you choose to get involved with someone else and choose (for that is what you are doing) to accept the cliched lies that go with this then you are responsible for your own actions.
You may not be able to help who you fall in love with but you sure as hell can help you get get naked with, sleep with, go away for weekends with, etc etc.

Ickle Magoo

Of course we all make our own decisions but I do think it's just comforting to think of "the other woman" as some devious harlot who gets her claws in and connivingly draws a man away from his loving wife and their wonderful life together - but ultimately the responsibility for being faithful and respecting the boundaries of that marriage/relationship don't lie with her, they lie with him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending being the other woman - not at all. I just see too many people blaming that party for playing a part in their relationship disintegrating and their partner cheating - like these siren-women have a responsibility to stay away from the poor easily-led married men so they won't be tempted and lured away and will stay happily married for 50 years. Which is really just papering over the clear commitment/relationship issue cracks already present in order that such a situation would ever arise in the first place.

You can argue that single people have a moral obligation not to tempt married people or carry on relationships with married people but I don't think that alters the dynamics of ultimate blame and responsibility. Married people don't have to be tempted and they don't have to carry on extra-marital relationships - it's a deliberate choice and flagrant disregard of the vows and promises they made to do so.

Penny Dreadful

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Of course we all make our own decisions but I do think it's just comforting to think of "the other woman" as some devious harlot who gets her claws in and connivingly draws a man away from his loving wife and their wonderful life together - but ultimately the responsibility for being faithful and respecting the boundaries of that marriage/relationship don't lie with her, they lie with him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending being the other woman - not at all. I just see too many people blaming that party for playing a part in their relationship disintegrating and their partner cheating - like these siren-women have a responsibility to stay away from the poor easily-led married men so they won't be tempted and lured away and will stay happily married for 50 years. Which is really just papering over the clear commitment/relationship issue cracks already present in order that such a situation would ever arise in the first place.

You can argue that single people have a moral obligation not to tempt married people or carry on relationships with married people but I don't think that alters the dynamics of ultimate blame and responsibility. Married people don't have to be tempted and they don't have to carry on extra-marital relationships - it's a deliberate choice and flagrant disregard of the vows and promises they made to do so.[/QUOTE]

Of course it is and I'm not in any way defending the cheating partner when I say any of what I said above. In a cheating relationship there are 3 people: The husband, the wife and the "other" person.
The married (for ease of argument am using the term married) person cheats and is breaking the commitments and vows they have made to their spouse, they are lying, acting in a deceptive manner, potentially causing a world of pain to their children (should they have any) and their husband/wife. All of these things are wrong and it shows them up to be a really bad, nasty, weak person IMHO.
The single person who knowingly gets involved with someone who is in a committed relationship is little better as far as I am concerned though. If you deliberatly set out to tempt and lure someone who is in a relationship you are just as bad. No, they don't have to be tempted and should be stronger than that, but why would you deliberately put that temptation in their way? Why would you not have enough respect for yourself to feel that you are worthy of the whole person, not just rushed illicet liasions in a car park or bits of a weekend?
I can see how, if you are the person who is cheated on, that it makes you feel better to think of the other woman as an evil seductive temptress that lured your husband away as it means you don't have to address the fact that maybe you've made a bad choice in your life partner. It can be the same reason why people blame themselves for their partner cheating, if only I was sexier, if only I was more understanding, if only I.......All of it meaning you don't have to address the question of "maybe I made a bad judgement call and this person is a total waste of space". For some reason this can be a harder more difficult thing to face than anything else.

Wibbs

I'd agree with IM on that score. Thinking back when I was in that position I shouldered some responsibility for continuing when I knew she had a boyfriend. In every single case I was involved in the boyfriend had dropped the ball in the relationship usually in a big way and he shouldered some responsibility too, however slight. However the one shouldering the most responsibility by a goodly margin was the woman involved. She made the choice to be disloyal. If it hadn't been with me I'm 100% sure it would have been with someone. I never pushed my suit. Quite the opposite in fact. Reverse the genders and you get the same thing.

Ickle Magoo

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

All of it meaning you don't have to address the question of "maybe I made a bad judgement call and this person is a total waste of space". For some reason this can be a harder more difficult thing to face than anything else.

I think that's the crux of the whole blame game - that and looking at what part I had to play in my partner cheating as well.

Why would they deliberately put temptation in the way? Why shouldn't they, I guess? It's not the job of single people to police others relationships that they are seemingly incapable of policing of their own volition.

As to why some want to be the other party? Why do some put up with really awful/unhappy partnerships and marriages? I'd say the same reasons are behind most unhealthy relationships.

Morag

IT depends on what people mean by the 'other' person.
It is not always the case that the 'other' person is looking to steal way the attached one, Ireland does not have the same culture of people having 'a little something on the side' as other's do. Mistresses and Paramours are just that a little something on the side
and in other countrys such arrangements are clear and there are even often contracts.

Some people don't want the messiness of a relationship, they just want to keep things at a dating level for ever. They don't want the hassle of being expected to do things or deal with the other person's issues. They just want the 'romantic' side of it, the going out to dinner, the hours of passion in hotel rooms, the dirty weekends away and never having to do the other person's washing or move in with them.

If you are the 'other' person you can have all of the above and it's like a take away relationship, you can just ring up and order what you want and have it arrive and then there is little clean up afterwards. Yes there will be times that the other person is not available but 'single' people are often not available.

Affairs happen, yes they can be a sign there is something 'wrong' in a relationship but
they don't have to be the end of a relationships, sometimes they can be what makes it as the people reassess and make changes, even it that change is that the marriage opens up.

Penny Dreadful

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree with IM on that score. Thinking back when I was in that position I shouldered some responsibility for continuing when I knew she had a boyfriend. In every single case I was involved in the boyfriend had dropped the ball in the relationship usually in a big way and he shouldered some responsibility too, however slight. However the one shouldering the most responsibility by a goodly margin was the woman involved. She made the choice to be disloyal. If it hadn't been with me I'm 100% sure it would have been with someone. I never pushed my suit. Quite the opposite in fact. Reverse the genders and you get the same thing.

Maybe maybe not. I suppose the way I look at it, is put yourself in the shoes of the person being cheated on. Think about how they will feel when it comes out. I'd hate to think that I had knowingly caused pain or helped to cause pain like that to someone else when it was far from necessary.
You say her boyfriend had dropped the ball in the relationship and so she cheated? Why didn't she leave rather than cheat? Why didn't she address this with him rather than cheat?

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think that's the crux of the whole blame game - that and looking at what part I had to play in my partner cheating as well.

Why would they deliberately put temptation in the way? Why shouldn't they, I guess? It's not the job of single people to police others relationships that they are seemingly incapable of policing of their own volition.

As to why some want to be the other party? Why do some put up with really awful/unhappy partnerships and marriages? I'd say the same reasons are behind most unhealthy relationships.

You're right, its not the job of single people to police the relationships of others, however, I think its basic human decency to remove yourself from the situation if you find out that the person you're involved with is already involved with someone else.

Morag

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

You say her boyfriend had dropped the ball in the relationship and so she cheated? Why didn't she leave rather than cheat? Why didn't she address this with him rather than cheat?

Some people are never single they are like monkeys who never let go of a rope until they have another one.

Some people esp when coming out of a relationship which has soured need an inbetweener, someone who will make them feel desired and wanted and
were as their partner doesn't and they can think no one else will and the ending of a relationship eps when they have a home together takes a lot of mental and emotional strength they may not have so they got looking for validation elsewhere first to help build themsevles up.

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

You're right, its not the job of single people to police the relationships of others, however, I think its basic human decency to remove yourself from the situation if you find out that the person you're involved with is already involved with someone else.

Life and relationships are complicated and it's never that black and white and again many people who have been cheated on find it easier to play the 'other' person rather then their partner as the notion that they were in a relationship with someone who cheated on them is something they can't face.

Ickle Magoo

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

You're right, its not the job of single people to police the relationships of others, however, I think its basic human decency to remove yourself from the situation if you find out that the person you're involved with is already involved with someone else.

The trouble is there isn't a universal definition of what constitutes basic human decency - and when it comes to attached people, they aren't always honest about just how attached they are. Calling on single people to use their basic human decency to protect the spouses of wives/husbands happy and willing to cheat seems a bit of a perversely ironic way of looking at it.

daenerysstormborn3

The thing that I don't understand is that in most relationships a couple will discuss and agree very early on about what is cheating and what isn't cheating and what they will and won't put up with so that to me is black and white. Both people in a relationship will know that if they do a, b, c or d then they're doing something that would hurt their partner and something they really shouldn't do. The argument that some people use cheating as a way to indicate to their partner that their relationship is not okay is something I could not accept. There would have to be something seriously wrong and unfixable in a relationship for one person to go and find someone to cheat with as a way to try to fix the problem.

Shoe Lover

In my own opinion, I don't understand sticking with a man as the other woman. I don't think that I could settled for being second best. But that is just me, other women are content to do it.

Here's a story I know of - one professional woman I know took up with a married man and spent 30 years of her life with him as the second woman. His wife was well aware of the "affair". He continued his relationship with his wife having five children. During the week, he lived with his "mistress" (I'm not sure what the correct word to use is) and every weekend/holiday went home to his wife and kids. Fast forward 30 years and that woman is now in her 70's, has no family of her own and this man got sick and died about two years ago and while he was dying, she went up to his family home and nursed him (she's a qualified nurse) while his wife and kids stood around his bedside. She then went to the funeral with his wife. Obviously contact with the wife stopped after that. But I cannot help but feel sorry for her. She devoted her whole life to that man and for what? She has no children to help her now, she is reliant on her extended relations to include her in family events. I know that was the choice she made, but I think it's kinda sad

Penny Dreadful

Sharrow wrote: »

Some people are never single they are like monkeys who never let go of a rope until they have another one.

Some people esp when coming out of a relationship which has soured need an inbetweener, someone who will make them feel desired and wanted and
were as their partner doesn't and they can think no one else will and the ending of a relationship eps when they have a home together takes a lot of mental and emotional strength they may not have so they got looking for validation elsewhere first to help build themsevles up.





Life and relationships are complicated and it's never that black and white and again many people who have been cheated on find it easier to play the 'other' person rather then their partner as the notion that they were in a relationship with someone who cheated on them is something they can't face.

I've been there at the end of a long term relationhip that has gone pretty sour and fully understand what you're saying on that. In fact after I ended mine I had an "in betweener" thingy of sorts that was never going to go anywhere and I didn't want it to but it did give me something that I needed at that time. The thing is, I ended it before getting involved with someone else because although my relationship had hit the skids and there was no saving it, I still did not want it on my conscience that I had cheated on someone.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

The trouble is there isn't a universal definition of what constitutes basic human decency - and when it comes to attached people, they aren't always honest about just how attached they are. Calling on single people to use their basic human decency to protect the spouses of wives/husbands happy and willing to cheat seems a bit of a perversely ironic way of looking at it.

People have a wide variety of moral codes of conduct and you are right that what is deplorable behaviour for one may not be for another. I think the person cheating on their partner is behaving in a disgusting fashion. There can be any number of reasons or excuses given but I still find the lies, the deceit, the betrayal, disgusting. I also find the behaviour of a single person who gets involved with this disgusting. You are party to hurting someone and why would you do this?

Ickle Magoo

I was party to hurting someone that fancied my husband when we got together and he wasn't interested in her. I hurt someone else when I got the promotion they'd been hoping for since well before I joined the company. We hurt people all the time - yet I would think many, if not most, people view their own happiness as taking priority over the happiness of those they don't know/don't care about/owe nothing to/have no responsibility to...and I'm guessing doubly so those they view/have been convinced are the main protagonists in a failed or sham of a relationship/marriage.

Penny Dreadful

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I was party to hurting someone that fancied my husband when we got together and he wasn't interested in her. I hurt someone else when I got the promotion they'd been hoping for since well before I joined the company. We hurt people all the time - yet I would think many, if not most, people view their own happiness as taking priority over the happiness of those they don't know/don't care about/owe nothing to/have no responsibility to...and I'm guessing doubly so those they view/have been convinced are the main protagonists in a failed or sham of a relationship/marriage.

You can't go through life without impacting on other people, some in a positive way and some in a negative. Your husband (I'm guessing) wasn't in any way involved with the other person when you got together. She had no legitimate expectation from him and he owed her none. It is not the same as knowingly and willingly developing a relationship with someone who is already married or committed to someone else.
Your promotion, you earned it. Totally different ball game.
Promoting our own happiness over and above the feelings and needs of other people no matter what is selfish and unnecessary and unkind. I think we have a responsibility to each other to treat each other fairly and decently where and when possible. Sleeping with someone who is already in a relationship causes pain and suffering where you don't need to or have to cause it.

Ickle Magoo

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

You can't go through life without impacting on other people, some in a positive way and some in a negative. Your husband (I'm guessing) wasn't in any way involved with the other person when you got together. She had no legitimate expectation from him and he owed her none.

I believe they'd had a drunken snog years before and she still held a flame that for him, didn't outlive the hang-over...

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

It is not the same as knowingly and willingly developing a relationship with someone who is already married or committed to someone else.

Surely the fact they are wanting to start a relationship with a third party is proof they are not committed to someone else or happy/wanting to be in their marriage...rightly or wrongly, that's good enough for some people.

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Your promotion, you earned it. Totally different ball game.
Promoting our own happiness over and above the feelings and needs of other people no matter what is selfish and unnecessary and unkind. I think we have a responsibility to each other to treat each other fairly and decently where and when possible. Sleeping with someone who is already in a relationship causes pain and suffering where you don't need to or have to cause it.

Well, not necessarily. There is that grey area between having a relationship with someone who has separated or whose marriage is over or in an open marriage/relationship and someone who is deliberately pulling the wool over their spouse &/or new partners eyes while masquerading as a poor down-trodden miserable spouse on the verge of divorce and different again from knowingly having a clandestine relationship that you are aware is part of a bigger lie...which is why I place all blame and responsibility at the feet of the person who carries all the power with regards to knowing what "doing the right thing" is and knows what is going to cause hurt to whom.

While I'd agree with many of your sentiments, I also have to acknowledge that what is viewed as responsibility or unnecessary is down to our own moral framework - something that we don't all share exactly or absolutely agree on. One reason why affairs happen in the first instance, I presume.

LegacyUser

With women or men who were the other woman/man with other people who are not known to me, I don't really pass much judgement on, or really take any interest at all in. I have only met one girl in college who openly admitted to me that she regularly cheated on her boyfriend. She wasn't bragging, actually tearful over it because she felt so guilty, yet that VERY night we went to a nightclub and she did it again and brought some randomer home with her. Her boyfriend lived away in a different college. I was a bit shocked but also slightly bemused as she quite clearly was not one bit guilty despite her hour long conversation with me earlier, where I had actually felt some sympathy over her tortured feelings of "guilt".

Now I didn't feel any strong judgement at the time towards her, or the guys she was cheating with,(most didn't even know she had a boyfriend), I was basically indifferent to the whole thing because I was not particularly close to her, and the lads were strangers to me.

Same as here on boards, if I hear of someone cheating, or of being the other woman/man, I will strongly disagree with what they are doing, and may give my opinion as such if it is a thread asking for advice/opinions, but as everyone here is complete strangers to me, I'd quickly forget about what I read and become fairly indifferent to it, it wouldn't make me suddenly think that the poster was a horrible person, because I don't know any of ye and at the end of the day it's just the interwebz and I might regularly enjoy lots of their other posts and think they seem like a sound person.

However if it was a case of where I learned my own boyfriend, or the partner of a close friend of mine or family member where being cheated on, I would have very poor judgement of the person cheating, AND the person they were cheating with. I have a friend who's boyfriend cheated on her, and it did make me think that both her boyfriend and the one he cheated with were scum.

If my boyfriend cheated on me, he would be dumped, and I think I would think so little of him that I don't think I could even remain friends with such a person. I would just find him and his actions repulsive and vomit inducing. I would also think that the person he was cheating with was a disgusting whore,a horrible scummy human being and I would wish her misery and heartache with any future relationship that she had - by that I mean that her future husband or boyfriend that she loved would cheat on her and break her heart. I would wish the exact same on my ex boyfriend, and think just as lowly of him.

I guess if it was a personal experience, or if it happened to family or friends that I love, I have much stronger emotions and feelings of disgust about it all. I would never blame the other woman/man for "stealing away" the other person from their partner, that isn't their fault, but I would think that their accommodating behavior was disgusting.
If someone felt guilty about or at least acknowledged that they shouldn't have been the other woman or man, and admit that they were wrong and made a mistake, then I would think much better of them, maybe even feel some sympathy for them.

For the one's though who say, "I did nothing wrong, I'm not the one cheating", "I have no responsibility to his wife/her husband", "I'm putting my happiness first, why should I put the happiness of his wife/her husband, before my own happiness, I don't even know them", I just think it's a horrible selfish attitude to possess.

I guess as Ickle Magoo said, people have different sets of morals, I just don't think I could have any respect for someone who had such morals like the ones I listed, the whole "not my responsibility" attitude.

Again though I'd only have these judgements if it happened to me personally, or when it happened with a friend or family member. With people I'm not close to, or strangers I'm pretty indifferent to what they do.

Giselle

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

You're right, its not the job of single people to police the relationships of others, however, I think its basic human decency to remove yourself from the situation if you find out that the person you're involved with is already involved with someone else.

And a million times more so if you do so knowing there are children involved.

Emme

Wibbs wrote: »

PS I would never and I mean never consider a future with a woman(in my case) who I was involved with in such a scenario. Fine for a brief flingette, but anything more stable? Eh no. They had proven themselves by their actions. I don't seek to excuse my morality BTW. My morality or lack thereof I keep to myself and my own counsel, but I wasn't exactly lily white in this.

So would you think any less of the OP for being the other woman? I don't but I would be worried about her self-esteem. I know of "other women" who have settled for being the bit on the side because (1) they don't believe that they deserve better and (2) they don't believe that they're going to get any better offers.

Giselle wrote: »

And a million times more so if you do so knowing there are children involved.

Whatever about the wife of a cheating husband suffering when she finds out, children can suffer much more because of affairs.

daffidol

as stated in previous posts


If my boyfriend cheated on me, he would be dumped, and I think I would think so little of him that I don't think I could even remain friends with such a person. I would just find him and his actions repulsive and vomit inducing. I would also think that the person he was cheating with was a disgusting whore,a horrible scummy human being and I would wish her misery and heartache with any future relationship that she had - by that I mean that her future husband or boyfriend that she loved would cheat on her and break her heart. I would wish the exact same on my ex boyfriend, and think just as lowly of him.
did dump him , have to have contact for sake of children, do consider her scum, and she has introduced a baby to the situation,

I would never blame the other woman/man for "stealing away" the other person from their partner, that isn't their fault, but I would think that their accommodating behavior was disgusting.

I do blame her not for stealing him(he not with her his alone what he deserves) but for knowing she was engaging in behaviour that hurt so many people


For the one's though who say, "I did nothing wrong, I'm not the one cheating", "I have no responsibility to his wife/her husband", "I'm putting my happiness first, why should I put the happiness of his wife/her husband, before my own happiness, I don't even know them", I just think it's a horrible selfish attitude to possess. I totally agree
.[/QUOTE]
I think people who behave like this end up sad and lonely and deserve everything they get as they have hurt many people , and i really believe in karma.

Emme

daffidol wrote: »

I think people who behave like this end up sad and lonely and deserve everything they get as they have hurt many people , and i really believe in karma.

Unfortunately life isn't like Disneyland or fairytales. Many of these people DO get away with their selfishness and go on to live very happy love-filled lives. There is no point sitting around wishing them bad luck, you will only make yourself bitter doing so. It's best to get on with your own life and try to find happiness elsewhere. Happiness can be found in places other than a relationship.

Wibbs

Emme wrote: »

Unfortunately life isn't like Disneyland or fairytales. Many of these people DO get away with their selfishness and go on to live very happy love-filled lives.

Yep I've seen real nasty pieces of work end up in really content lives down the line. No karma required.

There is no point sitting around wishing them bad luck, you will only make yourself bitter doing so. It's best to get on with your own life and try to find happiness elsewhere. Happiness can be found in places other than a relationship.

Very good advice.

So would you think any less of the OP for being the other woman? I don't but I would be worried about her self-esteem. I know of "other women" who have settled for being the bit on the side because (1) they don't believe that they deserve better and (2) they don't believe that they're going to get any better offers.

Yep good points. Like I said I've noted more other women than other men getting emotionally attached and hoping for more. I was the other man specifically because I didn't want anything more and if it was offered I would and did walk away. As Sharrow put it;

Sharrow wrote:

Some people don't want the messiness of a relationship, they just want to keep things at a dating level for ever. They don't want the hassle of being expected to do things or deal with the other person's issues. They just want the 'romantic' side of it, the going out to dinner, the hours of passion in hotel rooms, the dirty weekends away and never having to do the other person's washing or move in with them.

I'd liken it to the "friends with benefits" situation. Some can do it, I'd say most can't for long and more women can't.

Emme

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd liken it to the "friends with benefits" situation. Some can do it, I'd say most can't for long and more women can't.

It's a catch-22 situation. I think that women can't do FWB with guys they find attractive both physically and intellectually because they're more likely to get involved emotionally. Likewise some women would find it degrading to have a FWB situation with a hot young stud even though he's probably loving every minute of it.

I'm beginning to wonder do some single men get involved with attached women because they know there's going to be no strings attached and more than likely no expectations on her side. I've noticed that divorced and older men are more likely to get themselves into such situations because they want to get laid but don't want to be in a relationship again.

MerryLegs

daffidol wrote: »

I'm trying to make sense on a personal experience. My husband had an ongoing affair/relationship ( I was not aware of it ) with a woman who knew me, met my kids and she had a child wit him. I have no doubt that he lied to her and made promises. We have separated and of course the affair has "fizzled out" She is an intelligent woman and I just cant make sense of the situation. what was the point

Some women get some kind of buzz out of the secrecy and hiding while seeing a married man, I personally could never do it to even my worst enemy,I'd have too much of a guilty conscience! Sorry to hear aswell by the way, cant be easy for you.

LegacyUser

OP, I've had quite a bit of experience of affairs though never in the role of the other woman.

Recurring themes between a straying partner and the 'other wo/man' seem to be that:

*The straying partner almost always leads the other partner on. 'I love you more but I can't leave her...'
Whether his/her statements are true or true 'in the moment' doesn't really matter - as human beings, we have a an innate desire to not hurt the person we're dealing with face to face and will sometimes say things we don't plan to back up.

*Passion. People simply fall in love. It's a very powerful reaction, more powerful than we give it credit for. And an affair magnifies the feelings even more.

*The straying partner and the other person will break up with each other a hundred times during their affair. Most people do have a moral compass; they WILL try to walk away. It's like an addiction.

*Adrenaline. As well as all the regular in love hormones, the secrecy & not knowing if every time you're with your lover is the last etc. means that the lovers are constantly pumping adrenaline; it is truly addictive. Much of an illicit relationship is spent saying '...just one more time...'
Think about if you met your partner/lover/even friend and were thinking that it would be your last time to ever meet; it would be so emotionally charged.

*Obsessiveness. Every time he/she can't/won't answer your call, you experience a rejection, yet it not a true rejection as the cheater 'has to' be with their husband wife... it's emotionally very confusing. Basically the unstableness of the cheating relationship results in huge highes and lows, and effects the other person's perceptions of the cheater.

I don't believe many people set out to cheat, and I don't believe anyone sets out to be the other man/woman (I'm not talking about so-called FWB situations but true illicit relationships).
Of course, the cheating couple could have made better decisions at any point along the line... sometimes, when you're involved in something like that, you forget that life is passing by and no-one is enjoying it. Misery for all involved.

southsiderosie

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

The single person who knowingly gets involved with someone who is in a committed relationship is little better as far as I am concerned though. If you deliberatly set out to tempt and lure someone who is in a relationship you are just as bad. No, they don't have to be tempted and should be stronger than that, but why would you deliberately put that temptation in their way? Why would you not have enough respect for yourself to feel that you are worthy of the whole person, not just rushed illicet liasions in a car park or bits of a weekend?

TBH, I think this is kind of ridiculous. "Tempt and lure"? This takes all agency away from the party who is in the so-called committed relationship. Unless you plan on keeping your OH locked up in the house, they are going to be confronted with temptation - active or passive - on a regular basis.

As to the whole 'respect for yourself' thing, not everybody wants to be in a full relationship. If someone is just looking for a good time now and then with someone they are attracted to but don't want to be in a relationship with, then this kind of arrangement might suit them just fine, and the fact that they are married may be an added benefit, since they are not in a position to ask you for more.