Girlfriend is overweight

Master and commander

Hi there,

First off, Let me make this clear - this is not about "i wanna thin gf and all that, it just about being healthy and i don't want her to get sick because of it.

I'm am getting a bit woried about my GF, she's always been on the heavy side but in her current job there is next to no physical activity involved.
I weighed myself the other week and then I weighed her. I went back and checked out her BMI the other day and she is classed as the lower end of obese.
I am getting worried now because her mum is diiabetic and i fear she may become diabetic too. Her dad has high colesterol.

She's not big on excersise or physical activity, but i try to bring her out for long walks and do as much active stuff with her as possible. I try to bring her to exciting places where we can go for walks at w.ends and days off but she often will cut it short because she doesn't like walking too far. But on some occasions i've brought her for long walkies and she feels better for it (though tired). We have fun when i pull her up hills and stuff.
Sometimes in town i will suggest we park up and walk to all the places we need to go, but she usually insists on driving everywhere.
I encourage her to eat healthy food when we're out, and I normally go for the salads or choose veg instead of chips. and i excersise regularly and cycle to work 4 miles everyday rather than the car.

I try always to encourage excersise and healthy activities but it would seem she's not that into it. I bring it up and promote it as something fun that we can do together. I don't lecture her like it's a chore. I don't want her to feel she has to do it. She should want to do it.

Neither of us drink or smoke at all, we both despise it.

I feel i'm giving all the encouragement and opportunity i can think of here and i try to set a good example for her to follow.

I never directly comment on her weight or critisise her about it or anything, that'd be counterproductive and just mean.

I really don't want her to end up with health problems. What else can i do to encourage her to be healthy.

TaosHum

Master and commander wrote: »

Hi there,

First off, Let me make this clear - this is not about "i wanna thin gf and all that, it just about being healthy and i don't want her to get sick because of it.

I'm am getting a bit woried about my GF, she's always been on the heavy side but in her current job there is next to no physical activity involved.
I weighed myself the other week and then I weighed her. I went back and checked out her BMI the other day and she is classed as the lower end of obese.
I am getting worried now because her mum is diiabetic and i fear she may become diabetic too. Her dad has high colesterol.

She's not big on excersise or physical activity, but i try to bring her out for long walks and do as much active stuff with her as possible. I try to bring her to exciting places where we can go for walks at w.ends and days off but she often will cut it short because she doesn't like walking too far. But on some occasions i've brought her for long walkies and she feels better for it (though tired). We have fun when i pull her up hills and stuff.
Sometimes in town i will suggest we park up and walk to all the places we need to go, but she usually insists on driving everywhere.
I encourage her to eat healthy food when we're out, and I normally go for the salads or choose veg instead of chips. and i excersise regularly and cycle to work 4 miles everyday rather than the car.

I try always to encourage excersise and healthy activities but it would seem she's not that into it.

Neither of us drink or smoke at all, we both despise it.

I feel i'm giving all the encouragement and opportunity i can think of here and i try to set a good example for her to follow.

I never directly comment on her weight or critisise her about it or anything, that'd be counterproductive and just mean.

I really don't want her to end up with health problems. What else can i do to encourage her to be healthy.

Have you told her your concerns? I dont think its mean to tell someone that you are concerned for their health.

Honestly, in my experience of this type of situation, it really comes down to the persons own motivation to be healthy. If they dont have the motivation, then there really is'nt much you can do.

leviathon

That's a tough one, hard to bring up without seeming insensitive. I was in a similar situation before (kind of) so I'll offer my thoughts for what they might be worth.

First off I'd say exercise isn't the be all and end all, might be worth focusing on diet to start with.(exercise also very important obviously but I'd be inclined to think diet is more the issue) Also maybe find out is there a reason for the weight - physical (like thyroid problem) or mental, some degree of depression that might cause overeating.

Maybe if you wanted to go the super-careful route be ultra nice as it were and offer to cook all the time, and make sure you use the healthiest low fat stuff you can. It would also be worth maybe sitting down with her with some documentation outlining the dangers of obesity. That's a tricky one to pull off though without her taking offense at it. But even if she did get a bit put out by that I'm sure she would eventually see that you have her best interest at heart, you are worried about her health.

Gilda Fortune

You sound like a lovely man ur post cheered me. :)wish i had answers but you seem tyo be doing everything you can do for her

Dermo

You need to start doing some cooking. Losing weight is a lot more about proper diet than it is about exercise.

Master and commander

Well i told her i want her to be healthy and physically fit and that. I regularly tell her to eat healthy stuff and avoid the greasy stuff. Not in a dictatorial lecturing way, but in a lighter helpful way. I drop positive hints to advise her, not negative comments.

I always advise her to drink thing like juice or water when she's thirsty - she's mad for fizzy stuff like fanta - full of sugar and it's acid. I told her i'm worried about her teeth too because of this.

I feel she has a poor attitude to health. Even on nice days like this she will often just watch TV instead of out and about in the air.

Is there any way i can motivate her? there must be somthing.

Dermo

Master and commander wrote: »

Well i told her i want her to be healthy and physically fit and that. I regularly tell her to eat healthy stuff and avoid the greasy stuff. Not in a dictatorial lecturing way, but in a lighter helpful way. I drop positive hints to advise her, not negative comments.

I always advise her to drink thing like juice or water when she's thirsty - she's mad for fizzy stuff like fanta - full of sugar and it's acid. I told her i'm worried about her teeth too because of this.

I feel she has a poor attitude to health. Even on nice days like this she will often just watch TV instead of out and about in the air.

Is there any way i can motivate her? there must be somthing.

Obviously I don't know her so I don't know how open she would be to it, but would she be interested in something like Weight Watchers?
I'm doing it at the moment and even though I do cheat with the amount I drink it has still worked wonders just for changing my eating habits.

A lot of the time this is a very sensitive subject and is seen by people in lots of different ways. But if you feel so strongly about this, can you bring her along to a doctor or specialist? Would she listen to the opinion of a qualified specialist?

IamtheWalrus

Isn't it amazing how some people don't realise their own body weight. I think fat people look in the mirror and think they are in good shape. I don't think they can see. I think that's why there are so many fat people. Fat and no one tells them about it.

Suggest both of you get fit. Maybe suggest that both of you are overweight. If you are thin, she may look at you and think 'if he thinks he's overweight, then I must be'.

Master and commander

Dermo wrote: »

You need to start doing some cooking. Losing weight is a lot more about proper diet than it is about exercise.

Well i cant' really do much on that front at the moment because we don't live together yet, and when i stay down with her during holidays and that she insists on cooking because shes afraid i'll burn myself or the house down.:pac: But yeah, i get what your on about. We were shopping and I wanted for us to buy veg and stuff and make our own soup (rathar than the salt loaded stuff you buy). Always trying to steer her away from the bikkies and suggesting fruit instead as they're just as nice.

dee.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Isn't it amazing how some people don't realise their own body weight. I think fat people look in the mirror and think they are in good shape. I don't think they can see. I think that's why there are so many fat people. Fat and no one tells them about it.

Huge generalization there don't you think?

Dermo

Master and commander wrote: »

Well i cant' really do much on that front at the moment because we don't live together yet, and when i stay down with her during holidays and that she insists on cooking because shes afraid i'll burn myself or the house down.:pac: But yeah, i get what your on about. We were shopping and I wanted for us to buy veg and stuff and make our own soup (rathar than the salt loaded stuff you buy). Always trying to steer her away from the bikkies and suggesting fruit instead as they're just as nice.

Does she like to cook?
Why not treat her to a fancy cooking class? One of the ones that uses healthy ingredients and tries to play up the having fun while cooking factor.
1) it's a great way to have fun together
2) if she enjoys it you can suggest cooking dinner from scratch together. Will probably end up cheaper, nicer and more fun.

bijapos

Maybe try to get her involved in a club or activity that has more people in it, possibly some in her situation. Tag Rugby is good, they take all sorts and all levels and its a good laugh too.

Or try something that has a long term goal. Is there a charity she likes? Then the two of ye might try to do the Dublin Marathon to raise money for the charity. You dont have to run it, a couple of thousand walk it every year and the walking is a good laugh as there is time to chat to others as well. Its the end of October so thats 14-15 weeks, plenty of time to train.

Master and commander

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Suggest both of you get fit. Maybe suggest that both of you are overweight. If you are thin, she may look at you and think 'if he thinks he's overweight, then I must be'.

Yeah, i've been playing that one the last 2 months or so, saying that i think i'm getting pudgy due to being in an office job for the summer and i sayi should keep taking the bike to go to work.

Roger Marbles

My advice: you can't force her to change the way she eats for good or bad as you've no doubt realised. It's her choice and only her alone can change this.

Your best bet is just be a good example yourself. Make sure you eat healthily, eat plenty of veg with meat, fish, good fats and fruit, avoid processed crap and do it for yourself. She might notice the change in you, want to join in and eventually become interested. Trying to cook for her with an ulterior motive or playing games might make her more resistant to change.

I would avoid low fat diets and weight watchers at all cost as they are not healthy choices which is your main concern.

Concentrate on what you eat, exercise is secondary to this.

Lantus

One of the hardest aspects to any healthy lifestyle is that it really has to come from within. You cannot make someone choose a life they feel they do not want. That said you may have the option to control meals and cooking in the house which you could use to your benefit. And it doesn'thave to be just walking, what about cycling, rollar skating, dancing? They are fun activites and not just perceived exercise chores.

Motivating women to exercise is often pretty tricky I find. And relaying your concerns will almost certainly be interpreted as an attack on their weight and looks. It will depend on your relationship as to how you feel best to proceed. With caution I would say or resentment could easily become an unwelcome third element in the relationship.

In a world where we all generally lead sedentary lives and travel by car everywhere there is no real drive to be fit and healthy, it's not like we have to run to catch our food anymore. It takes a shift change in a persons outlook in life to want to become a better healthier person for no reason other than primarily the desire for self improvement.

Good luck anyway.

Master and commander

Dermo wrote: »

Does she like to cook?
Why not treat her to a fancy cooking class? One of the ones that uses healthy ingredients and tries to play up the having fun while cooking factor.
1) it's a great way to have fun together
2) if she enjoys it you can suggest cooking dinner from scratch together. Will probably end up cheaper, nicer and more fun.

That sounds like a good one, i'll try dropping that one in the conversation some time! That might be something she's thnk about doing.

Thanks for the suggestion

often i try to goad her into doing non-intense sports like tennis or something else that can be played at a leisurely pace, but she's just not the sporty type and thats fine. Not sporty, thats ok, lots of people aren't.

Me, i'm not into the sport scene such as rugby, hurling etc, but i keep fit by runnin/cycling etc. I sis tkd at one time and i'm always trying to get back at it but its' expensive and hard to find time.

careca11

I thin the best thing you can do for her is tell her your concern's for her health , ok at first she will probably cry and think you hate her ,even though you don't , the rest is really up to her , you have done your best it seems to motivat her ,

perhaps both of you join one of the weight loss groups (that might help) , sliming world might best as it is not really a diet , most of it is common-sense stuff.

Honesty is always the best policy.

tuxy

OP is she unhappy with her weight? You have not told us what she thinks.

LollieB25

One piece of advise I have for you is no matter how much you drop little hints or try and be helpful by offering to cook dinner etc nothing is going to change until she realises herself that she is living an unhealthy lifestyle.

I have struggled with my weight for years tipping the scales at just over 15st at my heaviest. I have recently just gotten into a healthy BMI range after years of different diets/exercise regimes and I believe the only reason this time has been successful is due to fact that I wanted to do it for myself not because someone else thought it was a good idea.

I do think it's great that your trying to help her though and I really hope that something changes in her so she realises she needs to keep herself healthy to sustain a better/longer life for the future

passive

tuxy wrote: »

OP is she unhappy with her weight? You have not told us what she thinks.

I don't understand the relevance. The OP has clearly explained how this is a health issue, she's borderline obese, at risk of diabetes, and he's concerned for her well being. If someone went on to personal issues asking for advice on encouraging an alcoholic partner to quit would you come on and ask "are they not happier drinking?"

I really hate this whole anti-health thing. He's not saying he wants her to be a size 0, and if his decision was based on shallowness he'd presumably have just stopped being with her and wouldn't be here asking for advice. The impression from the OP is that they haven't discussed it directly, and she doesn't seem overtly concerned one way or another. He'd presumably have mentioned if she said "I am aware of my weight and the health risks associated with it and I am absolutely thrilled about it, thank you very much."

Clearlier

That you want your girlfriend to be healthy is clear. It's not clear that she wants to be though or at least that she wants to make the choices that will lead to her being healthy. You need to respect those decisions. It's perfectly fine to talk about it, to make suggestions and to be there for them but if you're looking for ways to change her behaviour then you'll need to be really open and honest about it and be prepared to be told where to go.

It seems like you want your girlfriend to change and that's rarely a good idea.

tuxy

passive wrote: »

I don't understand the relevance. The OP has clearly explained how this is a health issue, she's borderline obese, at risk of diabetes, and he's concerned for her well being. If someone went on to personal issues asking for advice on encouraging an alcoholic partner to quit would you come on and ask "are they not happier drinking?"

I have never heard of an alcoholic giving up drink until they realised they had a problem. Isn't that normally the first step?

Master and commander

tuxy wrote: »

OP is she unhappy with her weight? You have not told us what she thinks.

She's fully aware that she is overweight and aknowledges that she's at the lower end of obese according to BMI, but the whole thing doesn't seem to phase her too much.

I have had some success with meals as sometimes she will go for a salad or somthiing healthy after my prompts, but by default she will generally pick pizza or chips as default if i don't say anything.

The laying it out thing saying your overweight and giving straight up guidance is a last resort. Unless done very tactfully it could quickly backfire and end up with her crying. We dont want that. Suggesting Weight watchers or any kind of slimming class would be 100% guaranteed to end in tears.

Someone mentioned setting a good example so i will keep on that and see if it make a difference.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I'll keep all this in mind over the next few months and see what will help her.

The flood of posts that came in was unexpected, i could hardly keep up with em!!!:eek:

Hue.G rection

Imo the people around you, like friends and family are the biggest influences. If you set an example, soon enough she should follow and your good habits will have an effect on her! But, the overweight people who change their lifestyle and loose weight usually only do it for themselves, so she'll have to be self motivated! You should both join something fun, like zumba lessons, dance or if you are into more extreme/outdoor type stuff you could try hiking and motor cross is actually a pretty good type of exercise and mad craic! You could also both try a weight loss councilor!
Hope this helps and best of luck!

whatdoicare

Why don't you take yr lady out dancing instead of walking? I hate outdoors walking, I find it boring and it feels like hard work to me but I could dance for hours! It's also fun and romantic!
Also, swimming is a great one - even just walking up and down the pool is great training and there's the jacuzzi for after!

I'd quit with the hints though - I'm a healthy eater but when I first got with my hubby I gained weight for a while (I'm talking 8 stone to 9 stone) and he wouldn't stop with the dropping hints and enforced outings! It annoyed the hell out of me, made every meal uncomfortable and all it did was drive me to eat in secret - which actually made it worse! Instead of having some chips once a week, which had been my habit - he was at me to stop altogether, so I ended up eating huge plates of chips when he wasn't around and some chocolate I wouldn't normally have eaten for good measure! (weight soared from nine stone to twelve stone!)

It was a hell of a lot harder to get out from secret eating to regular eating again but I had to go to counselling and sit my hubby down and tell him what his "hints" were doing to me and my confidence. So, leave her be and just have fun. Forget the guilt trips and hints and all that. Take her out and just enjoy being with her. Let her eat what she wants - she's a grown up! Believe me, she is well aware of what she looks like - she doesn't need yr help with that!

Glowing

You can't 'trick' someone into losing weight! It's going to have to come from her ... it takes hard work and commitment and generally won't happen by accident if your gf already has bad eating habits!

Colm_OReilly

Listening to an audiobook on persuasion that says motivation basically boils down to "can i do this?" and "is it worth it?", so might be an idea to approach it with that mentality.

Maybe she feels she can't lose the weight? Just a thought.

discus

Colm_OReilly wrote: »

Listening to an audiobook on persuasion that says motivation basically boils down to "can i do this?" and "is it worth it?", so might be an idea to approach it with that mentality.

Maybe she feels she can't lose the weight? Just a thought.

Or on the other hand, maybe she is thinking "is it worth it?" A lot of my friends - female and male - tend to let themselves go very badly once they have been going out with someone for a few months. The girls are the worst for it. When they are single, it's all Curves, and Weightwatchers etc. But once they settle in, they really let go. I'm talking laziness beyond contempt coupled with a terrible diet.

The effort involved in being fit and healthy appeals to a lot of us here [on this forum] as much as being fit and healthy does. I tend to see that this is not reflected in society!

robodonkey

Same issue here. My fitness, general diet and wellbeing is a significant part of my life. A hobby that just happens to be good for me. My wife however has a terrible diet and is overweight.

We've discussed it, and it is awkward, but she seems oblivious to basic food facts.

At this stage I think my advice is unwelcome, she no longer wants to listen. It causes rows/moody silence when I bring it up. But at the same time I can't stand by and watch her continue to overeat (we're planning a family, I don't believe that being overweight is helping matters).

The real problem is the fact that it's almost imposiible to bring this up without it being turned into a "you think I'm fat and don't love me" conversation.

I'm all ears for advice on this as well OP.
Even if that advice is "shut up and leave her be".

Interested to hear the ladies opinions on this, is it OK for me to bring it up (again)? What's the best way to do this?

opinion guy

Does she like dancing ?

If so I suggest you take her two some salsa dancing classes. Both of you go a couple of times a week until she gets really into it and is begging you to take her. It takes about a month or two to get into it. You can go seven days a week in different places. Don't say anything about exercise - just enjoy it for yourself and give her the chance to enjoy it. If she develops a gra for it she will find her own motivation to keep going within 6 to 8 weeks. You neve know you might enjoy it yourself

whatdoicare

robodonkey wrote: »

Same issue here. My fitness, general diet and wellbeing is a significant part of my life. A hobby that just happens to be good for me. My wife however has a terrible diet and is overweight.

We've discussed it, and it is awkward, but she seems oblivious to basic food facts.

At this stage I think my advice is unwelcome, she no longer wants to listen. It causes rows/moody silence when I bring it up. But at the same time I can't stand by and watch her continue to overeat (we're planning a family, I don't believe that being overweight is helping matters).

The real problem is the fact that it's almost imposiible to bring this up without it being turned into a "you think I'm fat and don't love me" conversation.

I'm all ears for advice on this as well OP.
Even if that advice is "shut up and leave her be".

Interested to hear the ladies opinions on this, is it OK for me to bring it up (again)? What's the best way to do this?

I'm a woman and I already wrote about three posts back what can happen if you push the issue. You make it worse. If she comes to you asking for help - then by all means give it to her in a practical one step at a time way, otherwise leave her alone. Like I said before, there isn't a woman in the world who is oblivious to their weight gain.
Your best way of helping is to make her feel beautiful and take her out more.

I gained my weight in the beginning because my other half thought his job was done, he bagged me and that he didn't have to take me out as much any more.

I spent alot of time alone or sitting with him on the couch doing nothing. I stopped getting new outfits and make up and generally didn't have any reason to be excited. This is a vicious circle, the less you go out, the less confidence you have the less you want to go out etc etc....
Then when I had the bit of pudge gained he started at me and I started eating in secret which ended up with me ballooning up and feeling like crap.

Him giving me tips and healthy eating advice was like a knife in my heart every day and just reaffirmed that I was now ugly and shouldn't inflict myself upon the general population.

Just try and get her to feel confident and beautiful and the rest will follow. Trust me, I know this for a fact.