Girlfriend is overweight

Master and commander

Hi there,

First off, Let me make this clear - this is not about "i wanna thin gf and all that, it just about being healthy and i don't want her to get sick because of it.

I'm am getting a bit woried about my GF, she's always been on the heavy side but in her current job there is next to no physical activity involved.
I weighed myself the other week and then I weighed her. I went back and checked out her BMI the other day and she is classed as the lower end of obese.
I am getting worried now because her mum is diiabetic and i fear she may become diabetic too. Her dad has high colesterol.

She's not big on excersise or physical activity, but i try to bring her out for long walks and do as much active stuff with her as possible. I try to bring her to exciting places where we can go for walks at w.ends and days off but she often will cut it short because she doesn't like walking too far. But on some occasions i've brought her for long walkies and she feels better for it (though tired). We have fun when i pull her up hills and stuff.
Sometimes in town i will suggest we park up and walk to all the places we need to go, but she usually insists on driving everywhere.
I encourage her to eat healthy food when we're out, and I normally go for the salads or choose veg instead of chips. and i excersise regularly and cycle to work 4 miles everyday rather than the car.

I try always to encourage excersise and healthy activities but it would seem she's not that into it. I bring it up and promote it as something fun that we can do together. I don't lecture her like it's a chore. I don't want her to feel she has to do it. She should want to do it.

Neither of us drink or smoke at all, we both despise it.

I feel i'm giving all the encouragement and opportunity i can think of here and i try to set a good example for her to follow.

I never directly comment on her weight or critisise her about it or anything, that'd be counterproductive and just mean.

I really don't want her to end up with health problems. What else can i do to encourage her to be healthy.

TaosHum

Master and commander wrote: »

Hi there,

First off, Let me make this clear - this is not about "i wanna thin gf and all that, it just about being healthy and i don't want her to get sick because of it.

I'm am getting a bit woried about my GF, she's always been on the heavy side but in her current job there is next to no physical activity involved.
I weighed myself the other week and then I weighed her. I went back and checked out her BMI the other day and she is classed as the lower end of obese.
I am getting worried now because her mum is diiabetic and i fear she may become diabetic too. Her dad has high colesterol.

She's not big on excersise or physical activity, but i try to bring her out for long walks and do as much active stuff with her as possible. I try to bring her to exciting places where we can go for walks at w.ends and days off but she often will cut it short because she doesn't like walking too far. But on some occasions i've brought her for long walkies and she feels better for it (though tired). We have fun when i pull her up hills and stuff.
Sometimes in town i will suggest we park up and walk to all the places we need to go, but she usually insists on driving everywhere.
I encourage her to eat healthy food when we're out, and I normally go for the salads or choose veg instead of chips. and i excersise regularly and cycle to work 4 miles everyday rather than the car.

I try always to encourage excersise and healthy activities but it would seem she's not that into it.

Neither of us drink or smoke at all, we both despise it.

I feel i'm giving all the encouragement and opportunity i can think of here and i try to set a good example for her to follow.

I never directly comment on her weight or critisise her about it or anything, that'd be counterproductive and just mean.

I really don't want her to end up with health problems. What else can i do to encourage her to be healthy.

Have you told her your concerns? I dont think its mean to tell someone that you are concerned for their health.

Honestly, in my experience of this type of situation, it really comes down to the persons own motivation to be healthy. If they dont have the motivation, then there really is'nt much you can do.

leviathon

That's a tough one, hard to bring up without seeming insensitive. I was in a similar situation before (kind of) so I'll offer my thoughts for what they might be worth.

First off I'd say exercise isn't the be all and end all, might be worth focusing on diet to start with.(exercise also very important obviously but I'd be inclined to think diet is more the issue) Also maybe find out is there a reason for the weight - physical (like thyroid problem) or mental, some degree of depression that might cause overeating.

Maybe if you wanted to go the super-careful route be ultra nice as it were and offer to cook all the time, and make sure you use the healthiest low fat stuff you can. It would also be worth maybe sitting down with her with some documentation outlining the dangers of obesity. That's a tricky one to pull off though without her taking offense at it. But even if she did get a bit put out by that I'm sure she would eventually see that you have her best interest at heart, you are worried about her health.

Gilda Fortune

You sound like a lovely man ur post cheered me. :)wish i had answers but you seem tyo be doing everything you can do for her

Dermo

You need to start doing some cooking. Losing weight is a lot more about proper diet than it is about exercise.

Master and commander

Well i told her i want her to be healthy and physically fit and that. I regularly tell her to eat healthy stuff and avoid the greasy stuff. Not in a dictatorial lecturing way, but in a lighter helpful way. I drop positive hints to advise her, not negative comments.

I always advise her to drink thing like juice or water when she's thirsty - she's mad for fizzy stuff like fanta - full of sugar and it's acid. I told her i'm worried about her teeth too because of this.

I feel she has a poor attitude to health. Even on nice days like this she will often just watch TV instead of out and about in the air.

Is there any way i can motivate her? there must be somthing.

Dermo

Master and commander wrote: »

Well i told her i want her to be healthy and physically fit and that. I regularly tell her to eat healthy stuff and avoid the greasy stuff. Not in a dictatorial lecturing way, but in a lighter helpful way. I drop positive hints to advise her, not negative comments.

I always advise her to drink thing like juice or water when she's thirsty - she's mad for fizzy stuff like fanta - full of sugar and it's acid. I told her i'm worried about her teeth too because of this.

I feel she has a poor attitude to health. Even on nice days like this she will often just watch TV instead of out and about in the air.

Is there any way i can motivate her? there must be somthing.

Obviously I don't know her so I don't know how open she would be to it, but would she be interested in something like Weight Watchers?
I'm doing it at the moment and even though I do cheat with the amount I drink it has still worked wonders just for changing my eating habits.

A lot of the time this is a very sensitive subject and is seen by people in lots of different ways. But if you feel so strongly about this, can you bring her along to a doctor or specialist? Would she listen to the opinion of a qualified specialist?

IamtheWalrus

Isn't it amazing how some people don't realise their own body weight. I think fat people look in the mirror and think they are in good shape. I don't think they can see. I think that's why there are so many fat people. Fat and no one tells them about it.

Suggest both of you get fit. Maybe suggest that both of you are overweight. If you are thin, she may look at you and think 'if he thinks he's overweight, then I must be'.

Master and commander

Dermo wrote: »

You need to start doing some cooking. Losing weight is a lot more about proper diet than it is about exercise.

Well i cant' really do much on that front at the moment because we don't live together yet, and when i stay down with her during holidays and that she insists on cooking because shes afraid i'll burn myself or the house down.:pac: But yeah, i get what your on about. We were shopping and I wanted for us to buy veg and stuff and make our own soup (rathar than the salt loaded stuff you buy). Always trying to steer her away from the bikkies and suggesting fruit instead as they're just as nice.

dee.

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Isn't it amazing how some people don't realise their own body weight. I think fat people look in the mirror and think they are in good shape. I don't think they can see. I think that's why there are so many fat people. Fat and no one tells them about it.

Huge generalization there don't you think?

Dermo

Master and commander wrote: »

Well i cant' really do much on that front at the moment because we don't live together yet, and when i stay down with her during holidays and that she insists on cooking because shes afraid i'll burn myself or the house down.:pac: But yeah, i get what your on about. We were shopping and I wanted for us to buy veg and stuff and make our own soup (rathar than the salt loaded stuff you buy). Always trying to steer her away from the bikkies and suggesting fruit instead as they're just as nice.

Does she like to cook?
Why not treat her to a fancy cooking class? One of the ones that uses healthy ingredients and tries to play up the having fun while cooking factor.
1) it's a great way to have fun together
2) if she enjoys it you can suggest cooking dinner from scratch together. Will probably end up cheaper, nicer and more fun.

bijapos

Maybe try to get her involved in a club or activity that has more people in it, possibly some in her situation. Tag Rugby is good, they take all sorts and all levels and its a good laugh too.

Or try something that has a long term goal. Is there a charity she likes? Then the two of ye might try to do the Dublin Marathon to raise money for the charity. You dont have to run it, a couple of thousand walk it every year and the walking is a good laugh as there is time to chat to others as well. Its the end of October so thats 14-15 weeks, plenty of time to train.

Master and commander

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Suggest both of you get fit. Maybe suggest that both of you are overweight. If you are thin, she may look at you and think 'if he thinks he's overweight, then I must be'.

Yeah, i've been playing that one the last 2 months or so, saying that i think i'm getting pudgy due to being in an office job for the summer and i sayi should keep taking the bike to go to work.

Roger Marbles

My advice: you can't force her to change the way she eats for good or bad as you've no doubt realised. It's her choice and only her alone can change this.

Your best bet is just be a good example yourself. Make sure you eat healthily, eat plenty of veg with meat, fish, good fats and fruit, avoid processed crap and do it for yourself. She might notice the change in you, want to join in and eventually become interested. Trying to cook for her with an ulterior motive or playing games might make her more resistant to change.

I would avoid low fat diets and weight watchers at all cost as they are not healthy choices which is your main concern.

Concentrate on what you eat, exercise is secondary to this.

Lantus

One of the hardest aspects to any healthy lifestyle is that it really has to come from within. You cannot make someone choose a life they feel they do not want. That said you may have the option to control meals and cooking in the house which you could use to your benefit. And it doesn'thave to be just walking, what about cycling, rollar skating, dancing? They are fun activites and not just perceived exercise chores.

Motivating women to exercise is often pretty tricky I find. And relaying your concerns will almost certainly be interpreted as an attack on their weight and looks. It will depend on your relationship as to how you feel best to proceed. With caution I would say or resentment could easily become an unwelcome third element in the relationship.

In a world where we all generally lead sedentary lives and travel by car everywhere there is no real drive to be fit and healthy, it's not like we have to run to catch our food anymore. It takes a shift change in a persons outlook in life to want to become a better healthier person for no reason other than primarily the desire for self improvement.

Good luck anyway.

Master and commander

Dermo wrote: »

Does she like to cook?
Why not treat her to a fancy cooking class? One of the ones that uses healthy ingredients and tries to play up the having fun while cooking factor.
1) it's a great way to have fun together
2) if she enjoys it you can suggest cooking dinner from scratch together. Will probably end up cheaper, nicer and more fun.

That sounds like a good one, i'll try dropping that one in the conversation some time! That might be something she's thnk about doing.

Thanks for the suggestion

often i try to goad her into doing non-intense sports like tennis or something else that can be played at a leisurely pace, but she's just not the sporty type and thats fine. Not sporty, thats ok, lots of people aren't.

Me, i'm not into the sport scene such as rugby, hurling etc, but i keep fit by runnin/cycling etc. I sis tkd at one time and i'm always trying to get back at it but its' expensive and hard to find time.

careca11

I thin the best thing you can do for her is tell her your concern's for her health , ok at first she will probably cry and think you hate her ,even though you don't , the rest is really up to her , you have done your best it seems to motivat her ,

perhaps both of you join one of the weight loss groups (that might help) , sliming world might best as it is not really a diet , most of it is common-sense stuff.

Honesty is always the best policy.

tuxy

OP is she unhappy with her weight? You have not told us what she thinks.

LollieB25

One piece of advise I have for you is no matter how much you drop little hints or try and be helpful by offering to cook dinner etc nothing is going to change until she realises herself that she is living an unhealthy lifestyle.

I have struggled with my weight for years tipping the scales at just over 15st at my heaviest. I have recently just gotten into a healthy BMI range after years of different diets/exercise regimes and I believe the only reason this time has been successful is due to fact that I wanted to do it for myself not because someone else thought it was a good idea.

I do think it's great that your trying to help her though and I really hope that something changes in her so she realises she needs to keep herself healthy to sustain a better/longer life for the future

passive

tuxy wrote: »

OP is she unhappy with her weight? You have not told us what she thinks.

I don't understand the relevance. The OP has clearly explained how this is a health issue, she's borderline obese, at risk of diabetes, and he's concerned for her well being. If someone went on to personal issues asking for advice on encouraging an alcoholic partner to quit would you come on and ask "are they not happier drinking?"

I really hate this whole anti-health thing. He's not saying he wants her to be a size 0, and if his decision was based on shallowness he'd presumably have just stopped being with her and wouldn't be here asking for advice. The impression from the OP is that they haven't discussed it directly, and she doesn't seem overtly concerned one way or another. He'd presumably have mentioned if she said "I am aware of my weight and the health risks associated with it and I am absolutely thrilled about it, thank you very much."

Clearlier

That you want your girlfriend to be healthy is clear. It's not clear that she wants to be though or at least that she wants to make the choices that will lead to her being healthy. You need to respect those decisions. It's perfectly fine to talk about it, to make suggestions and to be there for them but if you're looking for ways to change her behaviour then you'll need to be really open and honest about it and be prepared to be told where to go.

It seems like you want your girlfriend to change and that's rarely a good idea.

tuxy

passive wrote: »

I don't understand the relevance. The OP has clearly explained how this is a health issue, she's borderline obese, at risk of diabetes, and he's concerned for her well being. If someone went on to personal issues asking for advice on encouraging an alcoholic partner to quit would you come on and ask "are they not happier drinking?"

I have never heard of an alcoholic giving up drink until they realised they had a problem. Isn't that normally the first step?

Master and commander

tuxy wrote: »

OP is she unhappy with her weight? You have not told us what she thinks.

She's fully aware that she is overweight and aknowledges that she's at the lower end of obese according to BMI, but the whole thing doesn't seem to phase her too much.

I have had some success with meals as sometimes she will go for a salad or somthiing healthy after my prompts, but by default she will generally pick pizza or chips as default if i don't say anything.

The laying it out thing saying your overweight and giving straight up guidance is a last resort. Unless done very tactfully it could quickly backfire and end up with her crying. We dont want that. Suggesting Weight watchers or any kind of slimming class would be 100% guaranteed to end in tears.

Someone mentioned setting a good example so i will keep on that and see if it make a difference.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I'll keep all this in mind over the next few months and see what will help her.

The flood of posts that came in was unexpected, i could hardly keep up with em!!!:eek:

Hue.G rection

Imo the people around you, like friends and family are the biggest influences. If you set an example, soon enough she should follow and your good habits will have an effect on her! But, the overweight people who change their lifestyle and loose weight usually only do it for themselves, so she'll have to be self motivated! You should both join something fun, like zumba lessons, dance or if you are into more extreme/outdoor type stuff you could try hiking and motor cross is actually a pretty good type of exercise and mad craic! You could also both try a weight loss councilor!
Hope this helps and best of luck!

whatdoicare

Why don't you take yr lady out dancing instead of walking? I hate outdoors walking, I find it boring and it feels like hard work to me but I could dance for hours! It's also fun and romantic!
Also, swimming is a great one - even just walking up and down the pool is great training and there's the jacuzzi for after!

I'd quit with the hints though - I'm a healthy eater but when I first got with my hubby I gained weight for a while (I'm talking 8 stone to 9 stone) and he wouldn't stop with the dropping hints and enforced outings! It annoyed the hell out of me, made every meal uncomfortable and all it did was drive me to eat in secret - which actually made it worse! Instead of having some chips once a week, which had been my habit - he was at me to stop altogether, so I ended up eating huge plates of chips when he wasn't around and some chocolate I wouldn't normally have eaten for good measure! (weight soared from nine stone to twelve stone!)

It was a hell of a lot harder to get out from secret eating to regular eating again but I had to go to counselling and sit my hubby down and tell him what his "hints" were doing to me and my confidence. So, leave her be and just have fun. Forget the guilt trips and hints and all that. Take her out and just enjoy being with her. Let her eat what she wants - she's a grown up! Believe me, she is well aware of what she looks like - she doesn't need yr help with that!

Glowing

You can't 'trick' someone into losing weight! It's going to have to come from her ... it takes hard work and commitment and generally won't happen by accident if your gf already has bad eating habits!

Colm_OReilly

Listening to an audiobook on persuasion that says motivation basically boils down to "can i do this?" and "is it worth it?", so might be an idea to approach it with that mentality.

Maybe she feels she can't lose the weight? Just a thought.

discus

Colm_OReilly wrote: »

Listening to an audiobook on persuasion that says motivation basically boils down to "can i do this?" and "is it worth it?", so might be an idea to approach it with that mentality.

Maybe she feels she can't lose the weight? Just a thought.

Or on the other hand, maybe she is thinking "is it worth it?" A lot of my friends - female and male - tend to let themselves go very badly once they have been going out with someone for a few months. The girls are the worst for it. When they are single, it's all Curves, and Weightwatchers etc. But once they settle in, they really let go. I'm talking laziness beyond contempt coupled with a terrible diet.

The effort involved in being fit and healthy appeals to a lot of us here [on this forum] as much as being fit and healthy does. I tend to see that this is not reflected in society!

robodonkey

Same issue here. My fitness, general diet and wellbeing is a significant part of my life. A hobby that just happens to be good for me. My wife however has a terrible diet and is overweight.

We've discussed it, and it is awkward, but she seems oblivious to basic food facts.

At this stage I think my advice is unwelcome, she no longer wants to listen. It causes rows/moody silence when I bring it up. But at the same time I can't stand by and watch her continue to overeat (we're planning a family, I don't believe that being overweight is helping matters).

The real problem is the fact that it's almost imposiible to bring this up without it being turned into a "you think I'm fat and don't love me" conversation.

I'm all ears for advice on this as well OP.
Even if that advice is "shut up and leave her be".

Interested to hear the ladies opinions on this, is it OK for me to bring it up (again)? What's the best way to do this?

opinion guy

Does she like dancing ?

If so I suggest you take her two some salsa dancing classes. Both of you go a couple of times a week until she gets really into it and is begging you to take her. It takes about a month or two to get into it. You can go seven days a week in different places. Don't say anything about exercise - just enjoy it for yourself and give her the chance to enjoy it. If she develops a gra for it she will find her own motivation to keep going within 6 to 8 weeks. You neve know you might enjoy it yourself

whatdoicare

robodonkey wrote: »

Same issue here. My fitness, general diet and wellbeing is a significant part of my life. A hobby that just happens to be good for me. My wife however has a terrible diet and is overweight.

We've discussed it, and it is awkward, but she seems oblivious to basic food facts.

At this stage I think my advice is unwelcome, she no longer wants to listen. It causes rows/moody silence when I bring it up. But at the same time I can't stand by and watch her continue to overeat (we're planning a family, I don't believe that being overweight is helping matters).

The real problem is the fact that it's almost imposiible to bring this up without it being turned into a "you think I'm fat and don't love me" conversation.

I'm all ears for advice on this as well OP.
Even if that advice is "shut up and leave her be".

Interested to hear the ladies opinions on this, is it OK for me to bring it up (again)? What's the best way to do this?

I'm a woman and I already wrote about three posts back what can happen if you push the issue. You make it worse. If she comes to you asking for help - then by all means give it to her in a practical one step at a time way, otherwise leave her alone. Like I said before, there isn't a woman in the world who is oblivious to their weight gain.
Your best way of helping is to make her feel beautiful and take her out more.

I gained my weight in the beginning because my other half thought his job was done, he bagged me and that he didn't have to take me out as much any more.

I spent alot of time alone or sitting with him on the couch doing nothing. I stopped getting new outfits and make up and generally didn't have any reason to be excited. This is a vicious circle, the less you go out, the less confidence you have the less you want to go out etc etc....
Then when I had the bit of pudge gained he started at me and I started eating in secret which ended up with me ballooning up and feeling like crap.

Him giving me tips and healthy eating advice was like a knife in my heart every day and just reaffirmed that I was now ugly and shouldn't inflict myself upon the general population.

Just try and get her to feel confident and beautiful and the rest will follow. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

Mellor

Master and commander wrote: »

I always advise her to drink thing like juice or water when she's thirsty - she's mad for fizzy stuff like fanta - full of sugar and it's acid. I told her i'm worried about her teeth too because of this.

Juice isn't a good drinjk choice.
Prob similar sugar to fizzy drinks, its also acidic too.




You appear to be focusing too much on excercise and being active. While there are benefits for health and fitness, weight loss comes down to diets.
Are you cooking together? I assume so.
She needs smaller portions than you, not jsut to loe weight but to maintain her weight. Often this doesn't happen.

Diet is defo first plce you should look

Jimmy Bottlehead

I was in this situation before, a girlfriend who was (quite honestly) obese. I tried dropping hints but as stated that didn't really work.

What I found to be the best approach is to make it clear that when two people are in a relationship, they owe it to each other to look well. Nobody wants to go out with someone who looks like a mess.

If you take care of yourself, so should she. And it's your right to have a girlfriend who you're happy with, and who you don't have to worry about.

I KNOW I'm going to get slaughtered by the P.C. crowd for this, but if she doesn't think enough of you to put in some effort and look well, you should maybe wonder if this girl is for you. I'm assuming she's young, so with time it will (unless she changes) only get worse.

For the record, I broke up with that girlfriend and now have one with whom I go to the gym and work out together, we cook together, have a similar outlook on life and health and we both do our best to look well for each other. I know which I'm happier with.

discus

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I KNOW I'm going to get slaughtered by the P.C. crowd for this, but if she doesn't think enough of you to put in some effort and look well, you should maybe wonder if this girl is for you. I'm assuming she's young, so with time it will (unless she changes) only get worse.

I'd back that.

Master and commander

robodonkey wrote: »

We've discussed it, and it is awkward, but she seems oblivious to basic food facts.

At this stage I think my advice is unwelcome, she no longer wants to listen. It causes rows/moody silence when I bring it up. But at the same time I can't stand by and watch her continue to overeat (we're planning a family, I don't believe that being overweight is helping matters).

The real problem is the fact that it's almost imposiible to bring this up without it being turned into a "you think I'm fat and don't love me" conversation.

I think we're in the same boat here mate! We bith set good examples and ecourage fun excersise activities and healthy eating but it seems they're just not interested. Tell her your telling her this because you do love her.

the_syco

Master and commander wrote: »

I try to bring her to exciting places where we can go for walks at w.ends and days off but she often will cut it short because she doesn't like walking too far. But on some occasions i've brought her for long walkies and she feels better for it (though tired). We have fun when i pull her up hills and stuff.

Up hills = isolated place? She may not like the look of herself, and wants to avoid other people seeing her. Her liking isolated places, but not being up and about when other people are around sounds like it could be that. Due to that. bringing her to places that are populated by fit healthy looking people probably wouldn't help.

Master and commander wrote: »

I am getting worried now because her mum is diiabetic and i fear she may become diabetic too. Her dad has high colesterol.

Have either of them tried to go the exercise route, and if so, are they near by? It may help if you make it about helping them get fit, as opposed to you gf getting fit?

g'em

I'm always torn when I see these kinds of issues being discussed on various forums (and I also find it very amusing to see the different tones of replies depending on which forum they're posted in ). OP I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you, particularly if exercise and nutrition is something that you take quite seriously. And I agree with Jimmy Bottlehead, if two people are in a relationship then they owe it to eachother to take care of themselves. Real Life relationships are not the Disney dreamworld that Hollywood would lead us to believe, and it's a perfectly normal and natural repsonse to find yourself becoming less and less physically attracted to someone as their physique changes. I don't see why people should be crucified for that.

On the other hand, I can also see how hurtful any discussion along the weight-loss line would be for your girlfriend. I've had a bf go down that route with me before and I was distraught at the thought that a) he'd noticed I'd been putting on weight and b) the thought that he might not fancy me anymore. I sulked and pouted and got angry with him, when actually I was just angry at myself for letting myself go too much. And in fairness, I really had. My waistline had crept up to worrying proportions.

At the end of the day though I had to realise that something needed to be done about it. Some people take longer than others to do this though, and you may find yourself bashing your head against a brick wall for a while.

There's really going to be no ideal way to approach this. You could try pointing out that she's putting her health at risk (a BMI in the obese category coupled with a family history of diabetes does not bode well) but she's mroe than likely aware of this herself. You could point out that should the two of you wish to go down the kids route carrying extra weight may cause difficulty in her getting pregnant and possibly put her at risk for complications but this isnt' a very en vogue thing to say and easily ignored. You could point out that healthy eating and exercise is really important to you and that you'd love it if she got more involved but you run the risk of coming across a little holier-than-thou.

It's a toughie OP, I feel for you. In all honesty I've kind of come to the tough love conclusion at this point. Treating people with kid gloves only prolongs the inevtiable and it's a bit of a band-aid approach.

whatdoicare wrote:

Just try and get her to feel confident and beautiful and the rest will follow. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

See, I don't agree with that really, and this is where it comes down to different strokes for different folks. I'd rather it get pointed out to me and as much support as is needed is offered. I will ultimately be the one who decides to make the changes, but knowing support was there would help provide the strength to make them.

Zulu

whatdoicare wrote: »

Just try and get her to feel confident and beautiful and the rest will follow. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

I can't agree with this; this is tantamount to advising to bury your head in the sand for a period of time & everything will be alright!

OP, it's up to you. You can say nothing & run the risk that she cops herself on, or, & what I'd suggest is more likely, the problem just gets compounded.

Alternatively, (& if you really love her) raise the subject. Say how you really feel. Show her this thread. It'll hurt her. She'll get mad, no doubt. She may even hate you for it. But at least you'll have tried.

The reality of it is, you are in an adult relationship, this is one of those hurdles, you need to be open & honest. While it may seem like your risking your relationship, you're actually testing it in fire. Are you going to spend your future lieing to protect her ego? Is your relationship going to consist of you walking on egg shells, watching her health diminish?

Clearly you love her, but does she love you more than her ego? She should.
Will she forgive you for letting a situation arise & progress where you fall out of love for her; when you no longer are attracted to her has a partner? Because, that's next, isn't it? And that will be your fault.

seamus

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Isn't it amazing how some people don't realise their own body weight. I think fat people look in the mirror and think they are in good shape. I don't think they can see. I think that's why there are so many fat people. Fat and no one tells them about it.

You're incorrect. Completely. I can understand why someone who has probably never been overweight would think the above, but you are completely incorrect.
Fat people look in the mirror and see a fat person. They are more acutely aware of their weight problem than anybody else. They don't think they're in good shape, they (usually) aren't happy with themselves.
Why they don't do anything about it can come down to a few reasons, but they all usually boil down to a lack of motivation. Some people see a little weight and think, "I'm going to eat better and get more exercise", and they go and do it.

People with actual weight problems think the same things, but have been relying on food for so long as their crutch, that they end up using it to make themselves feel better. I'm convinced that the vast majority of weight problems are down to food addiction. We're instinctually driven to consume, eating makes us feel better. And unlike other addictions, you can't go cold turkey. So an eating problem can become a serious problem very quickly and be very difficult to tackle because it requires constant, focussed attention and self-control.
Imagine trying to give up smoking 40 a day by having two cigarettes 3 times a day?

Weight becomes a real problem out of pure denial: They look at themselves and think, "I'm not that big, I've seen bigger people". They wear clothes that they think hides their weight problem, and they stop weighing themselves with any regularity, telling themselves that they're 14 stone because that's what the scales said 3 years ago.

How this cycle gets broken varies from person to person, as g'em says. The "tough love" approach is rarely successful for people with serious weight problems and who've never been the sporty type. As I mention, it's a cycle, so tough love makes them feel bad about themselves, which in turn causes them to turn to food for comfort.

For others, simply being confronted with the problem can be a big enough kick up the arse. Denial is a private thing. You can only practice self-denial, you can't convince someone else of something that isn't true. So they need to see that their self-denial isn't fooling anyone else. For me, that kick up the arse was being weighed in public. I could no longer claim that I was "somewhere between 14 and 15 stone". I had been weighed in public and it came out at 17.5 stone. Denial shattered.

Of course for some people it cannot be tackled by external forces:

passive wrote: »

I don't understand the relevance. The OP has clearly explained how this is a health issue, she's borderline obese, at risk of diabetes, and he's concerned for her well being. If someone went on to personal issues asking for advice on encouraging an alcoholic partner to quit would you come on and ask "are they not happier drinking?"

But if an alcoholic partner turned around and said that they're happier drinking and they really don't care if anyone else thinks they have a problem, there's pretty much nothing you can about it. The change has to want to come from within. If someone is happy being overweight and doesn't think they need to change, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

He can tell her he's worried about her well-being, doesn't find her attractive any more, etc etc etc, but at the end of the day if she says that, "I'm happy with who I am, how I look, and I don't care what anyone else thinks", then nothing he can do can make her change. Admittedly there are few such people, but they do exist. There are people out there who have drink problems and admit it, but don't care. There are smokers who know they're killing themselves but are happier living a shorter life with smokes than a longer one without. And there are fat people who prefer being fat and eating food.

They can't be "fixed".

g'em wrote: »

I'd rather it get pointed out to me and as much support as is needed is offered. I will ultimately be the one who decides to make the changes, but knowing support was there would help provide the strength to make them.

This is pretty much it IMO. The next time the conversation comes up with the OP's girlfriend, he just needs to ask her one simple question: "Do you want to do something about your weight?". If she says "no", then leave her at it. If she says "Yes", then be as supportive and helpful as you possibly can be, including motivating her on her bad days if that's what's needed.

ali.c

I am not sure I have much of value to add but figure I would throw this out there anyhow. Having been overweight in the past and eventually got my ass in gear and lost about 10kg this year this has been my experience!

1.) My boyfriend is active and slim, this does not equate to him knowing the steps I need to take to lose weight. Having never been overweight and not really knowing a whole lot about food, the type of diet and excercise that suits him is not actually suitable for me.

2.) You mention you don't live together and you commented on food choices when out to eat. It clearly depends on how often you go out to eat, but I generally use meals out as an opportunity to relax and enjoy my food. It would put me off my food if my boyfriend decided to start commenting on what I had selected to eat. Unless you are eating out everynight of the week, I dont think this is the overall issue, personally I would order chips over pasta, even if one is deemed healthier than the other. If you are out for dinner, I recommend dropping the comments. This is an opportunity to spend time together relaxing, not for addressing the tough issues.

3.) I have done a lot of different types of excercise over the years, weight lifting, TKD, yoga, hill walking, surfing kayaking so not exactly comparable. However, at times it is very discouraging to go out for a long walk with someone far fitter than you. Do you allow your gf to set the pace when you are out walking? Have you explored with her ideas as to what type of activities enjoy, dancing, yoga or strolls on the beach?

Ultimately, it is up to your gf to make a decision to change her weight, you can support her in this. Rather than comment on food choices which I think as you described is counter productive, if you are going to address this then I would recommend you do it in an open transparent manner. You can say things like, I want us to fit and healthy together when we are 70 or as we grow old together. How can we make this happen? Something positive and not judgemental.

tuxy

Mellor wrote: »

Juice isn't a good drinjk choice.
Prob similar sugar to fizzy drinks, its also acidic too.

This is good advice, I improved what I ate and cut out soft drinks but didn't lose any weight. Then I realised I had replaced the soft drinks with fruit juice. Was probably drinking over 1 litre of fruit juice a day (yuk). When I cut that out I lost weight no problem.

So maybe if she just gave up drinks with sugar she would see the difference and realise how little effort it took. This may encourage her to improve other parts of her diet.

all_smilz

she is clearly aware of things going on but you need to tell her how you feel and then back off and let her make her own choices.

My bf was wonderful to me when I was trying to lose weight but often ended up making me feel like he was watching EVERY bit i put in my mouth.
He also tried to make tactful comments that were anything but and it did not help. I often found myself eating BECAUSE of his remarks upsetting me.
Its very sweet that you are worrying about her but you cannot control her or change her. If she gets Diabetes thats HER problem to deal with. You arent her keeper.
you need to learn the difference between "holding a hand and chaining a soul".......

LJD10

I know its harsh but I agree with JimmyBottlehead on this one. I think its important for both parties to make an effort with their appearence in a relationship to maintain some kind of physical attraction. Myself and my husband have always gone to the gym together it is a common interest that we have built up over the years that we both really enjoy doing together. We never comment on each others weight but we do slag each other off when one slacks off at the gym and we try to motivate each other to go. When my husband wanted to lose weight he asked for my help so I took the hardline approach and dragged him out of the bed for early morning runs He hates cardio so we nearly came to blows sometimes, but it paid off in the end for him as he was a stone lighter and much happier for it But the key here is that he wanted to lose the weight himself. Your girlfriend has to want to lose the weight herself.
I dont agree with guys poking fun at girls about their weight or passing sly little remarks as that is just really hurtful so by the sounds of things you have been very sweet and considerate about this topic. So theres not much more you can do. The rest is down to her. If she doesn't love you enough or more importantly herself enough to want to look after her own health and appearence or is happy enough in herself you are kind of left with the tough decision of excepting her as is or finding someone else.

Ilyana

g'em wrote: »

I'm always torn when I see these kinds of issues being discussed on various forums (and I also find it very amusing to see the different tones of replies depending on which forum they're posted in ). OP I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you, particularly if exercise and nutrition is something that you take quite seriously. And I agree with Jimmy Bottlehead, if two people are in a relationship then they owe it to eachother to take care of themselves. Real Life relationships are not the Disney dreamworld that Hollywood would lead us to believe, and it's a perfectly normal and natural repsonse to find yourself becoming less and less physically attracted to someone as their physique changes. I don't see why people should be crucified for that.

On the other hand, I can also see how hurtful any discussion along the weight-loss line would be for your girlfriend. I've had a bf go down that route with me before and I was distraught at the thought that a) he'd noticed I'd been putting on weight and b) the thought that he might not fancy me anymore. I sulked and pouted and got angry with him, when actually I was just angry at myself for letting myself go too much. And in fairness, I really had. My waistline had crept up to worrying proportions.

At the end of the day though I had to realise that something needed to be done about it. Some people take longer than others to do this though, and you may find yourself bashing your head against a brick wall for a while.

There's really going to be no ideal way to approach this. You could try pointing out that she's putting her health at risk (a BMI in the obese category coupled with a family history of diabetes does not bode well) but she's mroe than likely aware of this herself. You could point out that should the two of you wish to go down the kids route carrying extra weight may cause difficulty in her getting pregnant and possibly put her at risk for complications but this isnt' a very en vogue thing to say and easily ignored. You could point out that healthy eating and exercise is really important to you and that you'd love it if she got more involved but you run the risk of coming across a little holier-than-thou.

It's a toughie OP, I feel for you. In all honesty I've kind of come to the tough love conclusion at this point. Treating people with kid gloves only prolongs the inevtiable and it's a bit of a band-aid approach.

See, I don't agree with that really, and this is where it comes down to different strokes for different folks. I'd rather it get pointed out to me and as much support as is needed is offered. I will ultimately be the one who decides to make the changes, but knowing support was there would help provide the strength to make them.

Op, I have to agree with g'em here. I don't know your gf, but I know that (generally) women and men think differently about everything, including issues like this. You might see a problem to be solved with a simple approach, but her health and weight is probably tied in with self-esteem and other such worries. Trust me, I'm in your gf's situation right now, and it's not fun.

That doesn't mean that all is lost. Do voice your concerns sensitively, although it's clear from your post that your concern is purely for her health, which is great
It will take time for her to adjust to it. Some diets may be attempted and then abandoned, and the eating could escalate again. Just be patient and support her, without pressuring her and monitoring every bite. Eventually, if she realises just how important this issue is for the both of you, she can start to make the right changes.

I'm about to start my changing-my-life diet, prompted by my bf. I probably would never have done it if he hadn't prompted me to do it. It's taken a few weeks to get my head around it, but with the right support your gf will be doing the same soon

cb123

Just curious on how long you guys are going out?

Just I am in a similar situation to your girlfriend, I have been in a relationship for 4 years, and over the last two I have put on alot of weight, ridiculious amounts to be honest, I've always strugged with my weight but last year it peaked at an almighty high.

I've been losing weight slowly over the past year, I've had my up's and down's like everyone, but being honest I didn't start losing weight until I got to a good place in my life.

Has anything triggered this weight gain or has she strugged all her life? I ask as she might lack motivation due to stress, worry or depression, lets be honest compared to some issues, weight loss may not seem significant.

I know we live in an age where we should be fully aware of what we consume, and there is no excuse, though we have to remember that most of our eat habits are a learnt behaviour and like all habits they are hard to break.

My advice to you would be to try and look at the situation like an outsider, try and see when the eating habits were formed, look at her parents, maybe ask about a few ex's, it's somewhere in her past, unless it is just that new relationship comfort weight, or maybe she went on to another form of contraception, that can play havoc with our weight if it doesn't agree with us and in that case it's just a matter of discussing it and backing off afterwards as it needs to be her discision. (Sucks I know)

Oh and one more thing, maybe get her to go to the doctors just to get a few blood tests done, check her hormones are all in balance (I know what your thinking another woman blaming her hormones, but it can be a cause of weight gain) She could have something like polycystic ovaries, and in that case would find it very hard to lose weight. Also while she's there a good doctor will weigh her and take her height and maybe give her the scare she needs.

Good luck petal, and remember to be sensitive (y'know those hormones and all )

nice_guy80

the GF started a new job few months ago that involves sitting at a desk all day. she had been in a fairly active job walking around. she started to put on a few pounds. its hard on her.

she likes her food, as do I. Very little junk, just lots of good food.

I told the GF that I preferred her without the extra weight and that she had looked way better (which she did), and despite the initial slap that I got... she got her ass out to spinning classes, swimming and tag rugby (I didn't go to anything with her).

sometimes, in a relationship you need to tell the bare truth.

Jimmy Bottlehead

nice_guy80 wrote: »

...and despite the initial slap that I got... she got her ass out to spinning classes, swimming and tag rugby (I didn't go to anything with her)

She actually slapped you??

Antisocialiser

nice_guy80 wrote: »

I told the GF that I preferred her without the extra weight

Ironic username :pac:

tuxy

Antisocialiser wrote: »

Ironic username :pac:

Because it's nice to be honest?

Zulu

nice_guy80 wrote: »

...despite the initial slap that I got..

You let people physically abuse you? Interesting.

Bizzum

Zulu wrote: »

You let people physically abuse you? Interesting.

Ah, don't be so hard on him. He's a nice guy and he's 80 years old.
He probably doesn't have the reaction speed he once had.:D
Kudos for the tag rugby playing GF though!
There's hope for us all!!!!!!!!!