The realities of a long term relationship

Kimia

Hi all,

I'm with my bf for about 7 years now and happily we are still in love and best friends - he's definitely the one and we will probably get married in the next few years. He is hilarious and makes me laugh all the time. However there are times when we just wreck each other's heads and want space etc. We go through peaks and valleys of the 'high' of loving each other and then the 'low' of being sick of the sight of each other.

I wanted to get other peoples experiences to see what happens in other people's long term relationships. By long term I mean, completely out of the honeymoon period and in that easy, very close, deeper kind of partnership.

So tell me ladies, how do you find your long term relationships? Are there any things you've discovered the longer you're with him? (Like i've discovered that we're not going to always 'like' each other - that one kinda surprised me!).

LegacyUser

EVERY relationship has it's ups and downs. That's what happens when 2 people spend a lot of time together in close quarters.

I have found over the past 12 years (married 4) that it is important to have time to yourselves. You need to have different hobbies or some kind of activity that you can do apart.

In this way you will both still have independence from each other and it gives you a break from each other if you find you are frustrated. When you get home then you will have something new to talk about and will appreciate each other because you missed each other.

I suffer very bad with PMS and if it weren't for swimming for me an jogging him we'd probably have killed each other by now!!!!

flutterflye

I've discovered that there are many times in which the easier option would be to just walk out and keep walking.
But if you stay and work through the issues, you gain a deeper respect, understanding, and love for each other.

Highly cliched, but true

wild_cat

flutterflye wrote: »

I've discovered that there are many times in which the easier option would be to just walk out and keep walking.
But if you stay and work through the issues, you gain a deeper respect, understanding, and love for each other.

Highly cliched, but true

It's actually very true. I find it does go up and down but things seem to get stronger every time that happens.

I also find that when you come to the end of the honeymoon period everything either turns to complete muck or a sudden understanding of each other just appears from no where and the relationship carries on in an amazing way. I presume that's the difference between love and lust.

Kimia

wild_cat wrote: »

I also find that when you come to the end of the honeymoon period everything either turns to complete muck or a sudden understanding of each other just appears from no where and the relationship carries on in an amazing way. I presume that's the difference between love and lust.

I found this too. We stopped fighting over stupid things too because we got to the point where it didn't matter in the long run, because we could see in the long term, if that makes sense.

Ickle Magoo

I've been living with himself since 2000...

I'm not sure if our fundamental relationship changed beyond the experiences we've shared adding a deeper, stronger bond on top of everything it's always been - if that makes sense? It hasn't become mundane or the romance or lust petered out - but it's impossible to be support throughout a really horrible experience or see the man you love asleep with the baby you created together on his chest without it having a profound effect on how you feel for that person. Seeing just how far each other will go to make life a little bit easier and fun for the other one - after fighting, crying and laughing together through a couple of redundancies, a stretch of unemployment, two house moves, a move of country and two children...the little stuff just seems that - silly stuff. :cool:

Gilda Fortune

children are the biggest test on any relationship. if your encountering problems and you have no children yet. then your going to find the next stage of ur relationship when children arrive harder than most

Kimia

I'm very unsure as to whether I want kids at all. At the moment I'm thinking I'll be happy with our pets as tbh we adore them and they feel like enough.

I miss the rush of the beginning sometimes.. I do feel blessed to have such a great relationship but sometimes I just want to feel that sense of interest from a new pair of eyes. Not that I'd ever do anything of course and my bf is very affectionate and loving, but I do miss that feeling of unfamiliarity.

Gilda Fortune

Kimia wrote: »

I'm very unsure as to whether I want kids at all. At the moment I'm thinking I'll be happy with our pets as tbh we adore them and they feel like enough.

I miss the rush of the beginning sometimes.. I do feel blessed to have such a great relationship but sometimes I just want to feel that sense of interest from a new pair of eyes. Not that I'd ever do anything of course and my bf is very affectionate and loving, but I do miss that feeling of unfamiliarity.

does he feel the same on the kids issue? if so and ur on the same page thats one less headache for you guys.
Your totally normal wanting and needing to be desired. is the intimate side of your realtionship good?
im maried 5 years , we married after 6 mths. im still crazy about him. and i only want him but nothing wrong with harmless flirting. and we fight just like most couples. we defo fought less before we had our daughter. although shes amazing and its not her fault the little sweetheart. Just babies put a huge strain on couples. esp working couples.no sleep, no free time can be a hard test for any relationship.

LegacyUser

I will admit that while the beginning of a relationship is so exciting, for me it doesn't compare to what comes past that. Knowing that there is one person who supports you no matter what.

We have been through the ups and downs, from buying our house to infertility, and still have the same fun and laughs.

Like I said already, you sometimes need time apart to realise again how lucky you are.

flutterflye

Kimia wrote: »

I'm very unsure as to whether I want kids at all. At the moment I'm thinking I'll be happy with our pets as tbh we adore them and they feel like enough.

I miss the rush of the beginning sometimes.. I do feel blessed to have such a great relationship but sometimes I just want to feel that sense of interest from a new pair of eyes. Not that I'd ever do anything of course and my bf is very affectionate and loving, but I do miss that feeling of unfamiliarity.

Agree with Gilda about making sure you're on the same page with the kids issue.

Although, people change, and things change, so in one way, it's not highly important.
You could be dead set on something, and then years down the line want the complete opposite.
And also, it could transpire that one or both of you have fertility issues.
You never do know what is around the corner.

But it is so important to frequently discuss your individual and mutual wants, needs, goals, and major life choices.
I don't mean have weekly relationship meetings to discuss 'where things are going' like you see in the movies!
Just chat about these kind of things every so often.

On the issue of "new eyes", I totally get what you mean.
I don't know about you, but I tend to feel this way if I feel unattractive or generally feel inadequate about myself.
This, combined with a familiar and comfortable quality in my relationship if you get me?

When you are used to someone, they can walk into the room and you may barely look up from the tv and acknowledge their presence, let alone look up and think "wow, you are hot!"

It's completely natural, and is generally inevitable.
It really does help though to be invariably spontaneous.

Even if your together for years or if you are living together/married, you can still do the whole date thing.
Like plan to meet at the venue, and spend hours getting ready and dressed up.

Also make sure that you don't just always do the same things with the same people and talk about the same things.
Find new interests that you can do individually, and new interests you can do together.

If you are finding that you are getting on each others nerves all the time, spend less time together for a while.

Always keep in mind that no matter who you are with, the relationship will always become somewhat repetitive and static over time.
Even if you are both the most outgoing and interesting people, you will still have to actively make changes and add romance and excitement every now and again.

Kimia

What great advice Flutterflye. Thank you.

Yes we've talked about the kids thing. He never used to want them at all but lately he's said that if I want them he would go for it because he'd be having them with me, if that makes sense? My mind is not made up on the issue though, I don't want to lose my freedom and we have a great life together right now.

It's true that things get repetitive but I suppose it's important not to take anything for granted. I find myself sometimes stopping and thinking to myself, I am sooo lucky, I hope I don't lose that sense of gratitude for my happiness.

Stheno

Am with the current OH nearly three years.

flutterflye wrote: »

I've discovered that there are many times in which the easier option would be to just walk out and keep walking.
But if you stay and work through the issues, you gain a deeper respect, understanding, and love for each other.

Highly cliched, but true

Agree 100% with this, over reactions to issues can cause grief, hard to calm down sometimes though

When you are used to someone, they can walk into the room and you may barely look up from the tv and acknowledge their presence, let alone look up and think "wow, you are hot!"

Ah now just today he walked in as we were heading out and I thought "HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT"

Knowing goals and challenges is important, accepting the differences even more so, if I want to work till 11pm I try to do so when he is out, e.g.

I'm often surprised at the extra lengths both of us go to, not prompted by the other, but just being mindful of the other. I've just spent a happy hour checking out insurance quotes for him, and he's €500 better off as a result

hinault

Males perspective : Myself and my other half have been together 19 years!
10 years married and 9 years living together.

The secret, if there is such a thing, is that over time we have got to know each other so well that when we're apart it's feels very very strange.
Don't get me wrong we're not glued to each other and that is the point.
I make sure that she has her time with her friends away from me - and she does likewise.

Space for the other person and trust are two very important ingredients.
And those qualities come with time.
It keeps our relationship from taking each other for granted for one.

Just my two cents worth.

Stheno

I go away sometimes for work.

I'll often do 200-300 miles a day to come home rather than be away, and once said to himself what would he do if I decided not to. Answer "I'd drive up midweek to spend the evening together".

When I am away and it's too far we chat three to four times a day on the phone to stay in touch. Morning, as we'd have breakfast then, early evening, *the coming home thing* then once or twice during the evening, even it just to say night.

jos28

In my experience I think it is very important to keep your independence from each other. Having a life aside from your life together is vital. It keeps you both stimulated and interesting. It is still possible to surprise each other even after years together. I found that it is easy to let the trivial things get to you but it is the bigger picture that really matters. We all have annoying habits/routines/friends/family. Just let that stuff go and retain your sense of humour. All relationships go through so many phases, some good, some not. What you have to decide is if you value the life that you have built together is worth it. I have been lucky, we enjoy each others company but we also look forward to time apart. A weekend away with the wimmin is brilliant but it is also nice to come home, open a bottle of wine and catch up with each other. The real test of any relationship is how you cope when things get tough. As we go through life we suffer bereavements, illnesses and all the other sh1t that life throws at you. I know I couldn't have coped without my husband during difficult times. The longer you stay together, the closer you become, you seem comfortable with each other and cannot imagine life without him. I reckon I must be doing something right because we celebrated our 30th anniversary this week. I was a child bride

Kimia

Stheno wrote: »

I go away sometimes for work.

I'll often do 200-300 miles a day to come home rather than be away, and once said to himself what would he do if I decided not to. Answer "I'd drive up midweek to spend the evening together".

When I am away and it's too far we chat three to four times a day on the phone to stay in touch. Morning, as we'd have breakfast then, early evening, *the coming home thing* then once or twice during the evening, even it just to say night.

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

Have you ever had times when you needed space though? I sometimes feel guilty for thinking that I'm feeling a bit too 'halved' if that makes sense.. I need some me time but when you live together in a small apartment and not a lot of money to go out and about it's a bit more challenging.

Stheno

Kimia wrote: »

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

Have you ever had times when you needed space though? I sometimes feel guilty for thinking that I'm feeling a bit too 'halved' if that makes sense.. I need some me time but when you live together in a small apartment and not a lot of money to go out and about it's a bit more challenging.

Yep, all the time. He goes out with his mates Tuesday and Thursday and sometimes Friday, and his kids are over Sunday or the whole weekend once a month.

If he doesn't go out as normal I get frustrated partly due to it being my routine, and partly due to not having my time. I need my time alone and if I don't get it I go bats.

I go out fairly regularly on my own to work stuff or to meet friends, I've one thing a week over the next three weeks and I get space that way too.

I've had to study a lot in my current and past jobs and I know he resents that and feels that I pick up the pc/notes/papers and exclude him so I work on it now, just tonight we were talking how I've some exams coming up and sorting out a good dinner for tomorrow as his kids are over.

It's a mega juggling act but it works.

I get exactly what you are saying though, he works from home all the time and has an office in the house. I work from home maybe once a week, have no dedicated space yet and am trying to sort it out, I do feel like beating him to death when I am on a call work wise and he wanders in on another call as he has forgotten I am in.

He drives me nuts and yet he makes me very happy, he surprises me constantly yet frustrates me all the time, it's all about the balance.

Kimia

Stheno wrote: »

He drives me nuts and yet he makes me very happy, he surprises me constantly yet frustrates me all the time, it's all about the balance.

You've summarised my relationship right there! :pac:

We've recently moved country so the balance is harder for us to get right away, due to a variety of reasons - the biggest one being we simply don't know anyone else!

Acoshla

I'm kind of upset at the moment so sorry if this makes no sense, but something last night kind of summarised what I love about my long term relationship.

We're together 3 years next week, but we've crammed quite a lot into that time so it feels like longer (in a good way!). Living together over 2 years with our cat and dog.

I love the rush of a new relationship, or moreso the rush of the start of this one, it was so amazing and a fairytale start to it and I often miss it, even though I know now it's even better. But last night just summed it up really, the closeness and partnership that you get. I was very upset over something, in the beginning I would've kept it quiet to "save face" and keep up the lalala I'm so happy and easygoing, but last night I was just sobbing, and my boyfriend was so fiercely protective and cuddling me and reassuring me, it was a kind of support that only comes with someone being a part of you, or a part of your family. If it had happened early on in the relationship of course I would've gotten comfort and hugs but it's just different when you know that that person knows you inside out, and would actually take the upset themselves if it meant you were ok.

In the last 3 years we've been through me being sick for 6-8 months (which basically made me constantly miserable for nearly a year altogether), moving to his small town for him, quitting a job and being very depressed with the stress of that job, starting a business, family problems, and my OH taking on a very intense job that limits our lives in many ways, but I have said from the start that I would prefer to be here forever with him than anywhere else with anyone else. We have petty squabbles almost every day, your usual me having to almost force him to clean up, his love of computer games, me refusing to clean the cat's tray. But they're forgotten in minutes, and we're back to joking, kissing, and I only realised a few days ago that we never sit in silence, we are constantly yapping and laughing together. He's great, a constant source of entertainment

Sibylla

I'm with my boyfriend over a year and we are planning a future together. It's exciting but after a certain amount of time the initial sense of being in love does fade. It doesn't mean you love each other any less. Inevitable we have many disagreements but always apologise and get through them, I guess that's what makes us sure we are right for each other. Being able to say sorry when you should means a lot. I find being independent is very good for both of us, we have our own friends, jobs, college etc and we both respect that.

kingelmo

Im with himself 5 years this Aug (oh how time flys).. Must admit honey moon period was brilliant - you cant beat it ..

We see each other more or less every night, we dont live together we decided it was easier (and cheaper) he's work is at home and he needs to be there on demand 24/7, we only live maybe 20 min a part..

Meet up as i said nearly every night but we still give other space when we need it. I can sense by his calls or texts when he's down or pissed off - so we give each other space.

I was looking back on old messages he sent me when we were first going out - and they were just so lovely and so romantic, so i kept at him asking why he didnt do them anymore (me being childish really) but iv realised we have grown so much together and that in a few years we'll be setteled down and we'll be starting a proper life..

Dont get me wrong we do kill each other too, but every relationship has its ups and downs no-one is perfect!!
The past few years flew, but i guess time flys when your having fun and being with the person you love.

I look at my friends who are out every weekend, bring home some random guy every weekend and i can honestly say i couldnt do it, and i never have done it!!

I love the security, the love, the strengh of a loving long term relationship!! Its waht every girls needs:D

LaHaine

The closeness you feel with someone you are in a long term relationship with is pretty damn cool.

For me it was like having my best friend and girlfriend wrapped up in one.

Id take that over the giddy flirting any day. (as fun as that is)

flutterflye

LaHaine, that's lovely

sam34

kingelmo wrote: »

I love the security, the love, the strengh of a loving long term relationship!! Its waht every girls needs:D

speak for yourself, please.

Kimia

kingelmo wrote: »

I love the security, the love, the strengh of a loving long term relationship!! Its waht every girls needs:D

What every girl needs is the security, love and strength of being happy on her own first. If you're happy in yourself, happy being single - that's all you need. A good man is icing on the life-cake.

kingelmo

Kimia wrote: »

What every girl needs is the security, love and strength of being happy on her own first. If you're happy in yourself, happy being single - that's all you need. A good man is icing on the life-cake.

Oh i totally agree with you on that, being happy in yourself and with yourself should always come first. Everyone is different im only giving my two cents worth in my relationship as the OP asked

Azureus

Im with my bf for going on four years, which is strange considering we started out with me swearing to myself it was just gonna be a bit of easygoing fun! Then i fell hook line and sinker, as did he, and we moved in together less than a year later.

We have been through a lot of ups and downs-money worries, bereavements, family issues etc-but what suprises me every day about my relationship is how EASY it is with him. Nothing is a struggle or effort, we argue rarely but irritate the hell out of eachother on a regular basis but have learned how to laugh through it all. We have fun. We share friends, but have our own seperate groups aswell and make sure to see them away from eachother on a regular enough basis.

I often go on girls nights out and while occasionally I might have a fleeting 'god wouldnt it be great to be single' thoughts purely for the freedom of it, they are exactly that-fleeting. If I think about it for more than a milisecond, I know that I wouldnt trade my relationship for anything.

CathyMoran

The biggest thing that I have learned is that you need to talk honestly to keep a long term relationship going and not to let things that are bugging you get out of hand. I met my husband in my very early 20's and started dating him a few years later - we have been through a lot together from serious illnesses to the death of a parent to reoccurent miscarriages.

We both agreed at the begining that we wanted children but when it came down to having them it was not that easy (I had undergone chemo and was in my mid 30's at that stage). We do have two children (a boy and a girl), our daughter is over 5 weeks old and our son is over 15 months old - they are wonderful but I am glad that we had the strenght of our relationship built up first as it is not easy - we have not gone out by ourselves in about a year (and that was only once) and have not had a holiday in about 2 years (I was sick when I was pregnant).

I feel very lucky to be married to such a wonderful, caring and sexy man.

borderlinemeath

I'm together with my OH over 10 years, living together for 6 of those.

When we met I had no direction. I was carefree and independent and enjoying life to the full. Looking back I was enjoying it too much. He was getting over a debilitating accident that had ruined his training/career and was only getting back to normal after 7 years recouperation. Somehow we clicked and within a couple of months we knew it wasn't just a short term thing.

The reality for me is brilliant. I love living with him, I couldn't imagine it any other way. It's living with my best friend who I can be at my best or my worst and he still loves me, it's laughing together, working things out together, being there for each other. I still can't believe I was lucky enough to meet him all those years ago.

LadyMayBelle

Been friends with my OH for 11 years now, and the last 6 of them we have been going out. We've had massive ups and downs, but committed ourselves back to do masters so we would have a better lifestyle and opportunities, and took the plunge by moving to the UK last year. It's been tough, as we know no one really, and struggle to have our own things because we only have each other to go for coffee with/etc (that will change!).

I can empathise with the poster who mentioned feeling unattractive and missing the early times where you'd get excited dressing up and going out, the excitement and butterflies. But at the end of the day it's how we go from here, and we know each other better than anyone I think!

Nice stories on this thread x

dammitjanet

This is my favourite quote about love and relationships from Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres. I think it captures the reality of long term relationships

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two"

flutterflye

Fully agree with everyone who mentioned keeping communication open, and not letting little things build up.

I genuinely consider honest and constructive communication to be the most important aspect to any successful and fulfilling relationship.

If you let all those little things build up in your head over time, you can become consumed with resentment, injustice, anger, frustration, misery, etc...
Leading to major communication problems.
Whether this manifests in confrontation or withdrawal, it can put a heavy strain on the relationship.

Destructive patterns can quickly and easily emerge, and the next thing you know, there is a never-ending string of complications whirlwinding so out of control, that you no longer know or care about the underlying issues.

You may not always want to hear what your partner has to say, especially if it relates to some criticism or disapproval of your actions or behaviour.
But it can be good for us to learn to accept that it is okay if others object to something we have said or done, to acknowledge and respect their feelings, and to reflect on how our behaviour effects others.

Also a lot of the time we can become bothered by things that our other half does, or by things that they don't do.
But retrospectively it transpires (for example) that we were not furious because they did not pick up their dirty towel, but infact we feel generally unappreciated.

I actually think that they should teach communication and interpersonal skills in schools as standard.
Relationships are hard enough.
Two people with different lives, different personalities, different opinions, different aspirations, and they're supposed to live harmoniously ever after.

Then throw in some external stressors, maybe mix in some major life decisions and changes, maybe some revelation of your partner's character or their past, or some friend/family/societal influence, and so on...
...And you have utter mayhem.

Sorry for long post!
Long story short- learning to communicate well, is imperative!