Popping THE Question.

Morag

So ladies would you?
Pop the question.

Many people of late have tired to say we are living in a post feminism world and
I wonder when it comes to the more 'traditional' aspects of life, courtship and marriage and weddings, how traditional are we, or are we open to the idea of proposing ourselves to the man (or woman) in our lives.

Do you have to be the one to say "I will" or would you consider being the one who asks "Will you marry me?"

Morag

Yes the poll has options for guys but it's isn't about their right to be the one who asks but if women feel they can be the one to do the asking.

Acoshla

I would, I absolutely do not understand the mentality of girls waiting and waiting for the man to make a "surprise" proposal, why is there so much emphasis on it being a surprise? I never understand that. I think it makes much more sense for both people to talk about it and decide together that they want to marry, and I wouldn't care at all if it was me doing the asking, because I would prefer to talk about it instead of having one person having all the power in deciding when to ask. These days marriage is an equal partnership, both people should be entering it out of love and because they want to, I hate that anyone would be waiting around for the other to propose.

But don't get me started on the subject of engagements, all this "oh it was such a surprise when he got down on one knee at the edge of the lake as the sun set" when they both went and picked the ring weeks before, something so private seems to be becoming all for show and to make a good story out of.

Edit: My mother actually orchestrated her and my Dad's elopement wedding, her idea, he just went along with it. It was possibly the worst idea ever for those two to marry so it isn't what gave me this opinion, just listening to peers' engagement stories and knowing my own personality.

While a surprise question sounds nice and all, I can't really imagine getting to the stage of engagement with someone without having discussed it (and probably decided) first as a couple. But then I'm always big into communication, so...
I'll be honest and say I wonder about the communication between a couple when you hear the female half talking about how much they want to marry and "dropping hints" and discussing it with their families, but heaven forbid they discuss it with the person they want to spend their life with...
I also wonder when i hear "oh he wouldn't take me seriously if I asked"

stargazer 68

Acoshla wrote: »

But don't get me started on the subject of engagements, all this "oh it was such a surprise when he got down on one knee at the edge of the lake as the sun set" when they both went and picked the ring weeks before, something so private seems to be becoming all for show and to make a good story out of.

Have to agree - really dont get why people go and pick out and buy the ring etc and then wait for V day or NYE to 'pop the question'. If you have the ring then put it on!!

squeakyduck

I'd much perfer the guy to do it. In that almost Hollywoodesque YESSSS *HUGS* kind of manner.

Maybe I'm just a stereotypical traditionalist! Love the thought of a man putting the effort into ring shopping!

Acoshla

Dovies wrote: »

Have to agree - really dont get why people go and pick out and buy the ring etc and then wait for V day or NYE to 'pop the question'. If you have the ring then put it on!!

Yep, "we decided in August that we'd marry, bought the ring in October but we're waiting until Christmas Day to get engaged", wtf?? You're engaged!!

Malari

Acoshla wrote: »

Yep, "we decided in August that we'd marry, bought the ring in October but we're waiting until Christmas Day to get engaged", wtf?? You're engaged!!

Yeah, this ^ so I'm not really sure the poll options suit me! If we both decided to get married (and I would initiate this conversation if I wanted to) there would be a discussion and agreement and no need for a "question"

And I think pretty much if we decided to get married in August, we would be married in October :pac:

Morag

If people want the romantic story to tell friends and family and one day maybe thier kids then why not. If traditional is what a couple/person wants then go for it, but I'd not be doing thing for the sake of tradition when I'd like the option of doing it differently and that starts with thinking about doing it differently.

Malari

Malari wrote: »

Yeah, this ^ so I'm not really sure the poll options suit me! If we both decided to get married (and I would initiate this conversation if I wanted to) there would be a discussion and agreement and no need for a "question"

And I think pretty much if we decided to get married in August, we would be married in October :pac:

November for the minimum notice period I think :pac:

Sharrow wrote: »

If people want the romantic story to tell friends and family and one day maybe thier kids then why not. If traditional is what a couple/person wants then go for it, but I'd not be doing thing for the sake of tradition when I'd like the option of doing it differently and that starts with thinking about doing it differently.

Well that's the thing really - I spoke about what the couple wants and communication. It's not for me, but if they both want it then there is no issue.

rainbow kirby

bluewolf wrote: »

While a surprise question sounds nice and all, I can't really imagine getting to the stage of engagement with someone without having discussed it (and probably decided) first as a couple. But then I'm always big into communication, so...
I'll be honest and say I wonder about the communication between a couple when you hear the female half talking about how much they want to marry and "dropping hints" and discussing it with their families, but heaven forbid they discuss it with the person they want to spend their life with...
I also wonder when i hear "oh he wouldn't take me seriously if I asked"

Would agree with all of this. I'd much prefer for it to be a mutual decision that we'd come to as a couple, than a big dramatic down-on-one-knee thing.

Morag

http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/04/women-proposing-tomen/

Things I learned from proposing marriage to my boyfriend:

What marriage means to me. It all started when I realized I really did want to get married. I wanted to say out loud “We intend to be partners for life.” We were planning a life together, already making all our major decisions together. I wanted the world to recognize our committed partnership for what it really was. Since we both knew it, why not say it out loud and in public?

I also wanted us to be recognized as a family. All the legal stuff really matters to me. I wanted to say to the world: “We’ve chosen each other as family. We’ll share property, protect each other, and trust each other to act for us.” Marriage was the way to accomplish that.


The cultural narrative about getting engaged is crazymaking. We’re told that a man doesn’t want to get married, until and unless he makes a surprise proposal with a ring. We’re told that if a woman brings up marriage, any later proposal doesn’t count — he’s just doing it to appease you. We’re also told that if he really loved you, he’d propose right away, before it ever occurred to you to wonder when he was going to propose.


Women are told both that the proposal means everything, and that we have no control over whether or not it happens. No wonder we feel like we’re going crazy.


In Kamy Wicoff’s book I Do But I Don't she unflinchingly describes the roiling mix of frustration, anger, guilt, and anxiety she felt waiting for her boyfriend to propose. I experienced similar feelings. 

I had a horror of becoming the stereotypical girlfriend, nagging the guy to get married. We’d watched a friend wait and wait and wait for a proposal that never came, hinting and teasing and nagging to no avail. Her boyfriend seemed to relish the power it gave him; he’d hint that he was going to propose, and then not follow through. I didn’t want to play that game.

But I was already playing it in my head.

My boyfriend would make some remark about weddings or getting married, and hope would spring up — maybe he’s planning a proposal! Then he wouldn’t ask, and I’d be disappointed and angry. Then I’d feel guilty for being angry, frustrated about the whole situation, and finally just feel like I was going crazy. Why was this such a big deal to me? Why couldn’t I just calm down and let things happen naturally?


While watching that friend wait, we’d agreed either member of a couple should be able to ask. The woman shouldn’t be stuck just waiting. So added to all the other emotions, I had the icky feeling that I wasn’t living up to my own statements about equality. And I wondered if he might even be waiting for me to ask. So I started thinking about proposing to him. I wanted to change the story.


Changing the story can be hard. it can seem like everyone is pushing back. I googled “women proposing” and talked to my friends. There was one clear message: “Cute idea, but you should really wait for him.” 

One of my closest female friends told me “Men will propose when they are ready. We just have to wait for them.” A close male friend just couldn’t envision how a woman proposing would work. The internet told me that he’d feel like I was stealing his thunder. It also warned me that he might say yes without meaning it, just to keep the peace. Some articles warned me that it would ruin the relationship forever.




The warnings didn’t ring true to me, not for us and our relationship. He isn’t a big-surprise kind of guy; no thunder to steal. With really important things, he always speaks honestly. He wouldn’t say yes if he didn’t really mean it. He’s not particularly traditional, so he wouldn’t be offended by my proposing. And those conversations about weddings and getting married — the ones that had made me think he might be planning to propose — told me that yes, he was thinking about marriage. He was ready.

I didn’t have to wait for him to propose to know that.

And while I trust my friends, their warnings weren’t based on anything specific about me or my boyfriend. They were talking about how they thought a proposal should go. 

The more I thought about the assumptions and expectations behind all the warnings, the more I realized: I could propose. It would really work for our relationship. I bought a man’s ring.

But all those warnings still sat in the back of my mind, having a party with the cultural narrative.

They kept popping up to tell me “You’re doing it wrong!” I spent several more months agonizing, which brings me to my next point:


Proposing is scary. When you seriously contemplate standing in front of someone else, and asking them “Will you marry me?” — well, it’s terrifying. You’re incredibly vulnerable. You’re really asking them “When it comes right down to it, is this relationship everything you want it to be? Can you do this for the rest of your life?” It made me realize that a man might delay proposing even when he’s sure he wants to get married, just because actually spitting out the question is terrifying!

When you’re a woman proposing to a man, you get to add to those questions, “Can you handle the fact that I’m asking? Do you have unspoken expectations about gender roles in our relationship that I’m breaking?”




I’d felt ready to be proposed to for a couple of years. But when I faced actually proposing to him, I was scared. Totally terrified. It took me months to get up the nerve. I even came close to losing it at the very last minute. I’d set up a romantic Christmas Eve at home, had the ring all prepared (box wrapped like a present), love songs playing. I wanted him to know I was serious — that I’d planned this and thought it through. 

But as the evening went on, I started panicking. “I shouldn’t do this,” I thought. “I should wait for him to do it. He’ll think I’m desperate. He’ll pity me. He’ll say yes to shut me up. It’ll be a huge disappointment.”

All completely ridiculous in the context of who he is and what our relationship is. But that big, vulnerable moment has a big unknown right after it, and the existing cultural narratives were trying to fill it up.

Even deeper, I worried “What if, somehow, I’ve got it all wrong? What if somehow he’s really not happy with me? What if I ask him, and he realizes he just can’t do this anymore? What if he says no?” 



When the moment came, though, I found myself just doing it. It felt like I was moving on automatic. All the worrying about what I’d say and what he’d say — just gone. There was nothing but the moment. I grabbed the ring box and gave it to him, kneeling in front of him. Confused, he opened it, then stared at the ring. “Are you trying to —” he said.

“Yes,“ I said. “Will you — do you want to marry me?”

“Of course!” he exclaimed, and kissed me.


Post-proposal reactions may not be what you expect, especially for a non-traditional proposal. There’s no script. I wasn’t sure what to expect: questions, confusion, ambivalence? Instead, he was overjoyed, grinning and giddy. Me, I cried and shook. All that anxiety and adrenaline was taking its toll. It took me a long time to calm down.

Announcing it to other people was almost as scary as proposing, for me.

Would they accept an engagement where the woman had proposed? Would they be excited for me? There was no script for this announcement — no sticking out my hand with a ring on it and waiting for reactions.

I saw this in my parents‘ reaction when I told them “I have an announcement to make. Last night, I proposed, and he said yes.” They hugged us and said “Congratulations,” but they looked kind of surprised and confused. I was, honestly, a little disappointed.


Deep down, I’d been expecting jumping up and down, excited squealing, all that stuff. I’d been hoping for it, wanting validation that it was okay and acceptable that I’d proposed.

Since then, they’ve shown that they’re thrilled, happy and excited about our engagement and wedding. But just as there was no script for my announcement, there was no script for their immediate reaction. There was no “ZOMG let me see the ring! Tell the story!!” They were feeling their way as much as I was. That’s just real life. It’s not what you expect from the movies, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or that you’re wrong.

Proposing to my boyfriend meant changing a deeply ingrained cultural narrative. That was intimidating and scary. There was pushback, both from other people and from my own assumptions. But it also gave me space to think about who we really are, and what getting engaged and married really meant for us. Telling a new story means you get to examine those assumptions and decide which ones work for you.

If you’re a woman who wants to get married to the man you’re with, I really do recommend at least considering the idea of proposing to him. It may not be right for every couple and every relationship. But just the process of thinking about it will give you a lot of insight into your thoughts and feelings on getting engaged.

Remember: There is no one single right way to get engaged, just as there’s no one single right way to get married. It really is okay to write your own story, no matter how similar or different it is to the existing cultural narrative. I can’t say it’s easy. But it’s worth it.

LenaClaire

My husband and I talked when we were dating about our lives and where we saw ourselves in the future. We knew that if I wanted to move here or if he wanted to move to the states the best way was if we were married. Rather un-romantic I guess but it worked for us.

We knew we loved each other and the need to live on one continent just made us decide to get married faster (we did long distance for 4 years so I guess it was not that fast). We picked a ring together and got it sized. He did, however, do the official on one knee thing after a home made dinner which was very sweet and I think possibly made us even more nervous since we both knew it was coming and it made all of our conversations real.

We knew we were getting married but we did not announce the engagement until we had the ring and all that stuff. I like to think it is a good start to our marriage, making joint decisions rather that having life changing decisions thrown at you.

WesternNight

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Would agree with all of this. I'd much prefer for it to be a mutual decision that we'd come to as a couple, than a big dramatic down-on-one-knee thing.

Yes, I'd have assumed the asking of the question would be more of a formality than actually asking out of the blue. I'd never ask someone to marry me (nor would I expect/want someone to ask me) if we hadn't actually decided that that was what we both wanted.

Proposing, to me, would just mean that we'd be ready to start planning the wedding etc.

But yes, I'd have no issue with doing the proposing.

VW 1

From a guy's point of view, it is not something that I would ever have a problem with but as was outlined above if ever I was in a place where marriage was a possibility I would fully expect to have spoken about it and discussed it with my partner before one of us "asked" the question.

Eviledna

I've known couples that didn't even discuss marriage before he popped the question, and it even flippin took the pre-marital course for them to discuss money!:eek:

Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I'm a big beliver in communication being the root of a relationship, and this notion that it must be the fella doing the asking as opposed to the couple deciding to get married is not sensible.

And I do like a bit of sense. However I do know why people almost, well, role play the pop the question part. It's expected. It's what their friends told them when they did it. And like anything, convention will always be followed by some.

I've been with the OH for 7 years. We've spoken often about us getting married in the future, but tbh as for most people these days it would simply be a fiscal decision when we decide to have the party, as for the commitment, I feel we're already there. So from that perspective I reckon I'll know when we get to the point that we have the money to have the party and pretty dress, and no doubt there'd be a discussion then. But I know my OH and he's a romantic soul, and I feel I'd be taking something from him if I pipped him to the post. It is a mutual decision, but I know he looks forward to the day of asking, so I wouldn't take that from him.
And I'm truly happy with that. I'm not waiting, I would ask him if he wasn't the person he is, but I know he looks forward to that moment (as do I) when we have the opportunity to do it.

liliq

I would have had no problem being the proposer!
Himself and myself had talked about future plans etc., but not implicitly about getting married in the foreseeable future. It was more a few years down the line idea (although I can't remember why we decided that, seems funny now seeing as we knew it would happened eventually! I think I might have had the idea that we're too young... )
But then he really surprised me, brought me for a walk with my babies (my dogs) to one of my favourite places, and pulled out a ring :eek:

I think that if someone loves you enough to want to spent their life with you, then they should hopefully know well enough whether a surprise proposal, or a mututally decided engagment would be what you want!

MissFlitworth

I don't have 'getting married' in my head as a romantic thing to do (although I 100% understand why it is for other people, it just doesn't float my boat), if myself & my partner ever did get married it would probably be because we were going to have a kid (in the far, far distant future) & it makes sense legally. Or because we want to legally be each others next of kin. So we'd have discussed it and decided on it rather than someone proposing

Acoshla

squeakyduck wrote: »

I'd much perfer the guy to do it. In that almost Hollywoodesque YESSSS *HUGS* kind of manner.

Maybe I'm just a stereotypical traditionalist! Love the thought of a man putting the effort into ring shopping!

Would you mind explaining why you like that idea, of the big Hollywood romantic proposal? I'm just curious, would like someone to explain the other side to my practical non romantic opinion I generally am a romantic person, I like little gestures etc but just don't feel it for this part of relationship life.

I'm also a pretty good bargain if anyone did want to propose to me, I come with my own €10,000 inherited engagement ring, no frantic man shopping needed

Morgase

Eviledna wrote: »

But I know my OH and he's a romantic soul, and I feel I'd be taking something from him if I pipped him to the post. It is a mutual decision, but I know he looks forward to the day of asking, so I wouldn't take that from him.

I'd have the same attitude I think. I'd have no problem asking, but my boyfriend has said right out that he'd prefer to be the one doing the asking. Not surprising as he's far more romantic than I am! :pac: So as you say, I wouldn't like to take that away from him.

krudler

squeakyduck wrote: »

I'd much perfer the guy to do it. In that almost Hollywoodesque YESSSS *HUGS* kind of manner.

Maybe I'm just a stereotypical traditionalist! Love the thought of a man putting the effort into ring shopping!

In the rain? or with you family or coworkers standing behind you both after he makes a last ditch attempt to find you before you go to the airport and start that new job in another country thus losing you forever? :pac:

I wouldnt be opposed to a girl asking. the proposal thing is odd, so many people have it set in their minds what they want their ideal one to be, it rarely is. I guess I'd like to have discussed marriage and know we're both on the same wavelenght then ask her a few months later, suppose there should be some bit of romance in it as opposed to just agreeing you should get married for legal and financial reasons over breakfast one morning cos it makes good economic sense :pac:

My friends who are getting married in December, he asked her in bed one morning, she said yes, they went ring shopping and she picked out the ring she wanted, makes more sense to me than buying a ring and hoping she likes it, those things arent cheap.

squeakyduck

krudler wrote: »

In the rain? or with you family or coworkers standing behind you both after he makes a last ditch attempt to find you before you go to the airport and start that new job in another country thus losing you forever? :pac:

No like this..... :pac:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ8wAH9-QGg

I'm having a good giggle at what I said now! I like the idea of the man getting down on one knee etc. (traditional) come to think about it, if I was asked in front of a load of people I would get embarrassed and bolt like this poor girl.

I think the whole proposing in bed thing is pretty darn sweet.

krudler

squeakyduck wrote: »

No like this..... :pac:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ8wAH9-QGg

oh good god, and thats why you dont make a spectacle of a surprise proposal

Malari

krudler wrote: »

oh good god, and thats why you dont make a spectacle of a surprise proposal

Argh, no sound on my PC, but she obviously said no in a pretty emphatic way :eek:

I'd be afraid if I was surprised by a proposal that I'd say no, when in fact if we discussed it I might be happy to get married!

cdaly_

krudler wrote: »

In the rain? or with you family or coworkers standing behind you both after he makes a last ditch attempt to find you before you go to the airport and start that new job in another country thus losing you forever? :pac:

Well, she is supposed to be heading of to Korea so you'd never know...

squeakyduck

cdaly_ wrote: »

Well, she is supposed to be heading of to Korea so you'd never know...

I'm wayyy too young to get married! Maybe in another 5-10 years.

Now if he did propose when Waterford win the all Ireland in hurling.....;):rolleyes::pac::D

Acoshla

Squeaky that proposal was so funny/awful

My favourite proposal story ever was two friends of mine, together years, and they were at a friend's engagement party. As the night went on and the drink flowed my friends started getting jokingly hassled about when they were getting married, as they'd been together nearly 10 years. The girlfriend in the couple got down on one knee in the pub, he said yes, all very har har we're so funny and drunk...the next day neither of them mentioned it such was their mortification, as they had never once discussed it.

So the next day after work they had agreed to meet at Lidl to do a food shop (having avoided the subject all day Sunday and Monday both were in work). So the girl arrives in the p*ssing rain to Lidl, her boyfriend was standing outside by the trolleys, and as she walked over he said "So are we going to do this or what?", she said "The shopping? Of course we are, why the f*ck du think I'm here???", to which he replied "No, I mean get married"

She said, yes, they bought champagne in Lidl and went home and drank it. I love that story!!!

gargleblaster

No, I'd never do it. I would much prefer the romantic surprise proposal.

I think couples who are together long enough know what the other feels about each other, and about marriage and future plans. It comes up in other contexts so over the years you just end up knowing if it's something that you both want. If they don't then I think it's probably too early in the relationship to consider marriage anyway.

The one time I was proposed to, it was a complete surprise and I was delighted. Didn't work out but that's life. I don't understand going shopping for rings and then doing the down on one knee thing. It seems like it'd be one or the other.

lazygal

My now husband proposed. I wouldn't have proposed to him, I think it was more romatic for him to do it. We looked at rings together and I pointed out what I liked, then left it up to him. It was a nice surprise when he did it. I wouldn't have been one of those girls waiting years to dicuss marriage and getting engaged though, we were engaged after a year together and married a few months later.

Acoshla

lazygal wrote: »

My now husband proposed. I wouldn't have proposed to him, I think it was more romatic for him to do it. We looked at rings together and I pointed out what I liked, then left it up to him. It was a nice surprise when he did it. I wouldn't have been one of those girls waiting years to dicuss marriage and getting engaged though, we were engaged after a year together and married a few months later.

But, so, ye had obviously talked about getting engaged, you had gone looking at rings together and you had pointed out what you liked, why bother with the surprise bit after that and how can there be any surprise element to it? How is it more romantic to do it that way, when ye had the main elements of it decided on, all was left was the old formality of him asking. You might as well have just waited outside the shop while he bought it and he could've said "Surprise!" when he came out with it!

lazygal

If you're not with someone you want to marry and who wants to marry you, you don't really know what its like though. There was a long gap between ring shopping and him proposing, so it was a surprise. My husband is very romantic and he thinks men will propose when the meet the right person and that women proposing doesn't work-its an old fashioned view but I don't know any woman who proposed, I think its a rareity.

I'd love to know how many people on this thread have actually proposed/been proposed to and know what its really like.

lazygal

lazygal wrote: »

I'd love to know how many people on this thread have actually proposed/been proposed to and know what its really like.

Almost everyone on the thread has made it fairly clear where they stand on if they've been there or not. And sharrow posted up a story about experience with it as well.
I don't see that it matters, of course life will always turn out different but the question was about would you propose, so...

Morag

lazygal wrote: »

I'd love to know how many people on this thread have actually proposed/been proposed to and know what its really like.

I've been proposed to 3 times, accepted once, have never married.

Acoshla

I have never been proposed to but am with someone that I want to marry and who wants to marry me, if that makes my opinion more or less valid :rolleyes:

Eviledna

You know in Oct/November, when you start dropping hints to concerned parties about the kind of present you like, but it's ages before Christmas. Is it any less enjoyable to be semi-surprised when you get something from the hint-list? It's always nice that they listened, and remembered, even though you had an inkling.

I reckon it's that some folks enjoy the suprise part just as much as the decision, even if it's only 10% suprise, it's something different, something to get happy about. I know there are others that are more pragmatic and don't derive enjoyment from what they probably consider as a little, well, false about the suprise. But there are some people, probably like me, that would enjoy the folly of the pretence, just for the moment, just because it rarely happens, just because it's a reason to smile.:)

I'm really dead-pan serious about most things in my life, but things like christmas, birthdays and even engagement potential are the kind of things I let go of all that and get frivilous

But I don't like people who rub it in, when everyone knows it's fake (Anyone else have a wry smile when Lisa murphy was robbed? Pride before a fall and all that). Understated all the way...

Acoshla

Eviledna wrote: »

You know in Oct/November, when you start dropping hints to concerned parties about the kind of present you like, but it's ages before Christmas. Is it any less enjoyable to be semi-surprised when you get something from the hint-list? It's always nice that they listened, and remembered, even though you had an inkling.

I reckon it's that some folks enjoy the suprise part just as much as the decision, even if it's only 10% suprise, it's something different, something to get happy about. I know there are others that are more pragmatic and don't derive enjoyment from what they probably consider as a little, well, false about the suprise. But there are some people, probably like me, that would enjoy the folly of the pretence, just for the moment, just because it rarely happens, just because it's a reason to smile.

Hmm ok no I don't drop hints for presents either, I tell them outright what I want or I wait for an actual surprise, maybe I'm just weird so :pac: I like things to be genuine surprises or not a surprise at all, like when my boyfriend came home yesterday with a bunch of red roses completely out of the blue, I liked that But if he gave me them for Valentine's Day I'd kill him because it's the "done" thing then, no good, I don't want roses because everyone else is getting them. All I see is exactly what you said Edna, the false surprise, the "show", because that's what people think is expected of engagements.

Silverfish

I was going to ask Mr Silverfish, but he beat me to it...

I was going to ask him on my birthday, for my birthday present..... alas his birthday falls 2 months before mine, so he asked me for his.

It was all very romantic. What I had planned of course was MORE romantic, but alas he'll never know....

We hadn't discussed an agreement to get married prior to that, but we had discussed marriage, and was something 'that would happen in the future'.

Clare Bear

I got engaged last Sunday. Big surprise (though not to everyone else it seems!!), he picked out the ring himself and it was all very lovely and romantic with tears galore. I'll never forget it. To me that's how it should be done but that's just me. A friend of ours got engaged at the start of this year and she asked him. She said she was so sick of waiting that she did it herself. Fair fecks to her but I felt really sorry for her, she's such a romantic at heart and I know it's not how she pictured it. For me it was the most amazing feeling in the world and she didn't have that.

I think fair play to any girl that has the balls to do the asking but it definitely wouldn't be for me. It's worse to see a girl "waiting" to be asked though, I have a couple of friends like that and you can just see the desperation in their eyes at this stage

Acoshla

Clare Bear wrote: »

A friend of ours got engaged at the start of this year and she asked him. She said she was so sick of waiting that she did it herself. Fair fecks to her but I felt really sorry for her, she's such a romantic at heart and I know it's not how she pictured it.

I think fair play to any girl that has the balls to do the asking but it definitely wouldn't be for me. It's worse to see a girl "waiting" to be asked though, I have a couple of friends like that and you can just see the desperation in their eyes at this stage

Aw that's so sad for your friend, for someone who wants the big traditional proposal it's sad to have to do it yourself because you're sick of waiting

Clare Bear

Acoshla wrote: »

Aw that's so sad for your friend, for someone who wants the big traditional proposal it's sad to have to do it yourself because you're sick of waiting

Yeah I just remember feeling really sad for her. Everyone was saying fair play but I know it wasn't what she wanted. He's a lovely guy and they're happy but it was just something she wanted a lot more than him. At least he said yes!

Ickle Magoo

I've been proposed to twice - accepted once. I've never proposed but the proposal I accepted was really a ring acceptance based on a discussion we'd both had about whether we'd like to get married...so it wasn't really a bolt out the blue or all his idea, iykwim?

Eviledna

Acoshla wrote: »

Hmm ok no I don't drop hints for presents either, I tell them outright what I want or I wait for an actual surprise, maybe I'm just weird so :pac: I like things to be genuine surprises or not a surprise at all, like when my boyfriend came home yesterday with a bunch of red roses completely out of the blue, I liked that But if he gave me them for Valentine's Day I'd kill him because it's the "done" thing then, no good, I don't want roses because everyone else is getting them. All I see is exactly what you said Edna, the false surprise, the "show", because that's what people think is expected of engagements.

Lol I think I'm the weird one though, as I kid I was always less than subtle about santy..."Hey mam, see that really cool toy over there that soooo coool..." Haven't grown up at all!

Congrats Claire Bear, that's lovely!

Asphyxia

I've never discussed actually getting married with my OH but we kind of have a way of presuming it will happen in the future. We could be sitting down watching TV and he might come out with a comment like "I'd like that at our wedding" or When we get married I want to do this.. I have no intentions of getting married for another few years but it's nice to here him say comments like that because it shows me that he does want to spend his life with me

Although I don't have a problem with women proposing, for me, I'd like the man to do it. I'm pretty old fashioned with things like this :rolleyes: It seems so romantic to me

Azureus

I think most couples who get the to proposal stage will have at least talked about it and know it was somewhere on the horizon, but that could be 6 months...ten years, you dont know. And I love that element of suprise.

My boyfriend has told a couple of my friends how he will propose to me if he ever does (and he told them that relatively early on in our relationship). Theyve never told me what it is and he has told me that he wants to one day, but Im not a marriage kinda gal so Ive probably talked him well out of it!

That said, if he ever did propose it would mean a lot to me that he picked the ring, and Id like if he asked my mother. Im old school, and theres no way that I would ever propose. I personally would feel like even if they said yes that they were only going along with it to keep me happy.

liliq

Azureus wrote: »

That said, if he ever did propose it would mean a lot to me that he picked the ring, and Id like if he asked my mother. Im old school, and theres no way that I would ever propose. I personally would feel like even if they said yes that they were only going along with it to keep me happy.

Ah... there's another good question!
Asking for parental blessing! Do many people still do this?

My fiance asked my Dad for his permission (!!) to ask me to marry him! He's a pretty traditional guy when it comes to our relationship, but I would have never expected him to do that! Think my Dad was a bit surprised as well! I laughed (shock/ surprise...) when I found out he'd asked my Dad!

Asphyxia

My sister's boyfriend or fiance should I say now :rolleyes: Anyway he asked my father first which was sweet

liliq

liliq wrote: »

Ah... there's another good question!
Asking for parental blessing! Do many people still do this?

My fiance asked my Dad for his permission (!!) to ask me to marry him! He's a pretty traditional guy when it comes to our relationship, but I would have never expected him to do that! Think my Dad was a bit surprised as well! I laughed (shock/ surprise...) when I found out he'd asked my Dad!

It would have to be my mum in my case but, god no. No no. :mad::mad::mad:

I can appreciate other people might like it, but for me, no.

Stheno

I've been proposed to twice, accepted once, and it all ended in a fairly amicable seperation.

Should I ever (and it's unlikely) get married again, it shall be at my initiation and choosing, and a big leap for me.

My ideal scenario would be a weekend in the Georges V in Paris, with divine food, and a walk along the Seine/Markets and my popping the question unexpectedly, and having an appropriate high value gift of his liking to mark the occasion (I know tradition is a watch, but should said man not like watches, it shall be another gift dependant on transportability)

In previous cases marriage was discussed as a goal prior to proposals, both proposals were a complete let down tbh, unromantic, boring and more the cherry on the cake rather than the whole cake with the cherry AND icing on top

LenaClaire

Stheno wrote: »

My ideal scenario would be a weekend in the Georges V in Paris, with divine food, and a walk along the Seine/Markets and my popping the question unexpectedly, and having an appropriate high value gift of his liking to mark the occasion (I know tradition is a watch, but should said man not like watches, it shall be another gift dependant on transportability)

I love, love, love that hotel. My dream is to be able to go back there *le sigh"

ArtSmart

Hmmm.

all very interesting.

i have a theory - the proportion of unsuccessful marriages is higher amongst those who have been officially* proposed to / proposed. than those who were not proposed to / proposed ie who 'fell' into marriage eg from a general conversation

how you like dem tomatoes?


* officially = a direct proposal ie 'will you etc'

Stheno

ArtSmart wrote: »

Hmmm.

all very interesting.

i have a theory - the proportion of unsuccessful marriages is higher amongst those who have been officially* proposed to / proposed. than those who were not proposed to / proposed ie who 'fell' into marriage eg from a general conversation

how you like dem tomatoes?


* officially = a direct proposal ie 'will you etc'

not in my case the one I accepted was all planned out the "proposal" was a paper exercise in terms of him buying the ring (which I'd chosen in advance) bringing it home and doing the "will you marry me" thing.