Marraige problems

The.scuba.kid

anybody ever have any cultural problems being married to a foreign girl.my wife is from eastern europe and while it made no difference for a while starting to get difficult.Are main problem is with our son and my inlaws while i have a great time from her brothers and her father I find her mother hard work.My wife wants to leave our son with her parents for the 3 months of the summer I just hate the idea of that.I don't know if im paranoid but i just feel if her mother got a chance she wold take over all together and to be quite honest i feel its far to long he is only 18 months .we are coming close to splitting up over this.

Miss Fluff

As in pack your little 18-month old baby off to Eastern Europe for three months? Put your foot down now, it's your baby.

Emme

I can see your in-laws' point. How else is your son going to learn his mother's language and get to understand her culture? Your son is probably starting to talk now and total immersion in his mother's culture is the best way for him to learn her language. You married an Eastern European girl, her culture and background are equally important to yours and your son has a right to know about this side of his background. Also, your in-laws probably want to see their grandson which is natural - they probably never see him otherwise as their daughter is married in another country.

Also some Eastern European grandparents have a tradition of being very involved with their grandchildren, the extended family is very important there.

IrishEyes19

Emme wrote: »

I can see your in-laws' point. How else is your son going to learn his mother's language and get to understand her culture? You married an Eastern European girl, her culture and background are equally important to yours and your son has a right to know about this side of his background. Also, your in-laws probably want to see their grandson which is natural - they probably never see him otherwise as their daughter is married in another country.

True, so her parents should come over on a flight and stay for three months. This is an Irish/Eastern European baby. Not solely one culture, therefore its up to BOTH parents to decide the welfare of the child. My neighbours in fact are in the same situation, except the mother of the children speaks english and russian to the children, so they learn both. There has to be a compromise. Its very unfair to send a child over to a foreign country without their parents for so long as well. What a culture shock it would be for that child who was used to having their Mother and Father there all the time.

I think its absolutely crazy, the OP, is the baby's father, and if the grandparents wish to see the child, they should fly over for a few days or weeks, or else arrange a short holiday for the child accompanied by the child's parents. It's only fair.

Emme

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

True, so her parents should come over on a flight and stay for three months. This is an Irish/Eastern European baby. Not solely one culture, therefore its up to BOTH parents to decide the welfare of the child. My neighbours in fact are in the same situation, except the mother of the children speaks english and russian to the children, so they learn both. There has to be a compromise. Its very unfair to send a child over to a foreign country without their parents for so long as well. What a culture shock it would be for that child who was used to having their Mother and Father there all the time.

I think its absolutely crazy, the OP, is the baby's father, and if the grandparents wish to see the child, they should fly over for a few days or weeks, or else arrange a short holiday for the child accompanied by the child's parents. It's only fair.

That's a reasonable suggestion except that it would be more expensive for the child's grandparents to come over to Ireland for three months than for the child to go over to Eastern Europe for that period of time. The OP can't have it all his way, if he married a girl from another country then he should take that culture of that country into account.

IrishEyes19

Emme wrote: »

That's a reasonable suggestion except that it would be more expensive for the child's grandparents to come over to Ireland for three months than for the child to go over to Eastern Europe for that period of time. The OP can't have it all his way, if he married a girl from another country then he should take that culture of that country into account.

and vica versa, Emme. She married an Irishman, therefore it works both ways. But no way would I allow my 18 month baby over for three months. Thats too long. There has to be a compromise. If that was my baby, Id accompany the child for two weeks at most, but send a baby over for three months if I wasnt there. You'd want to be out of your mind. The OP has already said his wife is can be difficult, what if she decided with her mother to keep the baby for a while longer.

Angeles

I honestly don't understand this situation enough.
cultural or not a mother is a mother and i do not understand how a mother of any race, background or culture can so easily give up her child for such a long period when they are barely walking.
Whats her view on this? is she planning to go with your child? does she recognize the dangers of taking an infant from its home into an alien environment without a parent present.
Who's well being is she considering highest here?

Time to get the cards on the table OP, there's something deeply missing if either one of you think this is okay, granted i wouldn't see this as much of a problem if the child was 3 or 4, but 1 and a half? oh no no

ztoical

Can you not discuss a shorter stay like a month rather then three? Growing up I would stay with my Grandparents for a month or a little bit more every summer [living in Galway, Grandparents in Dublin] I would have been younger then 18 months the first time. I understand the difference in distance but would you not go over for a two week holiday, have your wife stay on for another week and then come back with the grandparents to Ireland for a week? Is there no middle ground to be found or is the main issue that you dislike your mother in law and don't want the child left alone with her?

I am a friend

Would it not be very traumatic for an 18 month old to be left with practical strangers, who speak a different language for 3 months?

I dont get her thinking on this and I certainly would not want to lose out on 3 months of my childs life at this (or any stage).....

It would likely then be a big upheaval for the child coming back here in 3 months and having to get used to English again. A very weird proposal...

Is all ok in the marriage OP? Maybe my mind is in overdrive but am wondering if she wants the kid set up there with a view to moving back?? Hope not.

prinz

The.scuba.kid wrote: »

anybody ever have any cultural problems being married to a foreign girl..

Some, but irrelevant in the grand scheme, very, very minor issues.

The.scuba.kid wrote: »

my wife is from eastern europe and while it made no difference for a while starting to get difficult.Are main problem is with our son and my inlaws while i have a great time from her brothers and her father I find her mother hard work...

So far so good. You can't expect to have great time for everyone. I have loads of time for my wife's siblings but the relationship with her parents is more strained, which is as much my fault as theirs. It's difficult to establish a rapport with them being in another country and having little contact, doubly so when telephone conversations aren't great because of the language issue. I know the more time I spend with them the better it will get. It's important to my wife, so it's important to me that I continually make the effort.

The.scuba.kid wrote: »

My wife wants to leave our son with her parents for the 3 months of the summer I just hate the idea of that.I don't know if im paranoid but i just feel if her mother got a chance she wold take over all together and to be quite honest i feel its far to long he is only 18 months .we are coming close to splitting up over this.

Am I getting this right? She wants you and herself to stay in Ireland but pack an 18 month old off to Eastern Europe on his own? I don't think that's a cultural issue tbh, and there's no way I'd be having it. Perhaps if she went with him it would be ok, but not on his own. When I do have kids I'd fully expect my wife to take them home with her to visit her family/for holidays etc, even when I can't make it for whatever reason, and wouldn't think much of it if your child was older, but seems far too young to send him off for 3 months without either of you with him.

Neyite

OP,
I was sent to live with my grandparents when I was 14 months, for about 6 weeks. I have one or two memories from that time - getting treats that I normally would not get at home.

My parents had a valid reason though. It was an extremly busy summer for them and while my older siblings could be sent out to the yard to play and therefore get out from under their feet while they did stuff, I was too young to be left to my own devices.

What are your wifes reasons for sending your child away for the summer? freedom? culture? taking a second job? 3 months is too long at that age (I think) but would you compromise with a month?

fungun

Most parents love the idea of a week away from kids but if it happens then after a few days are looking forward to seeing them again.

Personally I cannot imagine handing my kids to anyone for 3 months, Id miss them so much. Does your wife not feel this way? If not, she needs to understand you feel that way (if thats what you feel) You two are the parents.
If the grandparents feel that strongly about getting to know the child then they should come over here. Or come to a compromise of a couple of weeks. 3 months is just way way too long imo

LegacyUser

WHAT?

That is so dodgy I don't even know where to begin.

NO and WAY would be two words I would be telling your wife. NEVER let your child out of your sight into the care of anyone else for no good reason. Never mind to another Country. How do you know it's not some plot to keep the child there?

The child can learn its culture and language from it's Mother and through visits there TOGETHER AS A FAMILY. As a parent you do not have to agree with this and it's totally unreasonable of your wife to try to force the issue. Suspicious too.

It is MOST UNUSUAL that a parent, especially a Mother would agree to giving up her child for three months. I would smell a rat bigtime here.

Kidchameleon

Putting aside what the OP wants, OP's wife and family want... Any child would HATE to be away from their parents for three months, in a country he/she has not been in, surrounded by a foreign language! This situation would be a three month nightmare for you child OP. The missus and yourself are going to have to compromise.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Is all ok in the marriage OP? Maybe my mind is in overdrive but am wondering if she wants the kid set up there with a view to moving back?? Hope not.

you say she is ready to split up over this.

Which begs the question why would you agree to let your baby son go to live in another Country with a wife who is so ready to divorce you and a mother in law you notice would be happier if you were out of the picture ???

Do not let your son out of your sight and certainly do not let him be taken out of the country.

The.scuba.kid

No i'm not very happy about it her mother comes over twice a year for a month and my wife goes over twice a year...
Its coming to a point where we could split up over it her parents never brought her or her brothers up so i think they want make up for it with our kid.I'm raging over she can bring him over for a month herself and stay with him no more.What bugs me is the fact that she asks me so bloody selfish

tinkerbell

That sounds so dodgy OP. I'm not a mother but if I was there is no way I would want to be separated from my child for 3 months. An 18 month old is starting to talk, etc and will probably be very upset and confused at being just abandoned in a foreign country with people the child does not really know.

Your child does not need to live apart from you for 3 months in Eastern Europe with her grandparents to become adapted to their culture - that can all be learned from the mother.

As you are married, I don't think your wife can send your child away to another country without your consent. If the grandparents want to see the child then they can visit you or else ye can visit them but not by just dumping your kid over there for 3 months. Your wife sounds totally ridiculous if she's happy with just dumping her kid like that. I mean that's the time of all the firsts right - first steps, first walk, first words, etc. You'll miss so much in 3 months. That and I can't imagine how upset your baby will be at being away from momma and dadda for that long

King of Kings

I think you need to get legal advice - just so you know your options.

It sounds to me that you are suspicious and don't trust your wifes motives.

If your wife goes to her home country with your child - it could be really hard to get to your kid back.

It sounds really dodgy to me

The OP doesn't say which country his wife is from, but here's a thought that might be relevant. In many Eastern European countries, grandparents are much more closely involved in raising children than they are in Western Europe. For example, during the Communist era in Romania people living in cities would often send their children to live with grandparents in rural areas for extended periods of time, even to the extent of sending children out of the city to the countryside to be raised by their grandparents until they reached school age. I don't know if this practice is as prevalent now, but I'd guess it'd take more than 20 years for it to die out.

In fact, I worked with a Romanian woman who did this the other way around. She moved to Ireland and left her baby son behind. Each year, she took off work for the summer and went back to Romania for three months, returning to Dublin in the autumn. When her son reached school age, she took him back to Dublin and enrolled him in a school here, and now sends him back to stay with her parents for July and August.

Just a thought.

smiles302

His wife should have discussed her plans if this is purely a cultural thing. If she has been living in Ireland, specially planning on having a life long term in Ireland she has to have noticed that the cultures are completely different.

I would put the foot down. At 18 months isn't the child only getting used to solid foods? (I'm not a mother..) But if their immune systems are still new at that stage I would speak to your GP before letting someone else feed it foreign foods.

oncebitten

I would definitely consider legal advice and/or marriage counselling. Once the child leaves the Irish jurisdiction it could be very difficult to get the child back to Ireland if the mother moves home.

What are your wife's reasons for wanting to send the child there for 3 months? If you 'let' them go for a month are you sure they will come back?

muntschkin

Wow! I mean ... I am from Eastern Europe and I spent all my summers with my grandparents ... It is extremely normal where I come from. All of my friends did the same. In fact, her parents are probably feeling neglected as grandparents if they are not getting the grandchild for the summer ... Their neighbours and friends will be asking them - "Is the little one coming over for the summer?" :-)

Please relax.

I am shocked at the comments. I suppose there is a big cultural difference there ... But unless you are having other marital problems, I wouldn't freak out and get lawyers involved ...

The Princess Bride

muntschkin wrote: »

Wow! I mean ... I am from Eastern Europe and I spent all my summers with my grandparents ... It is extremely normal where I come from. All of my friends did the same. In fact, her parents are probably feeling neglected as grandparents if they are not getting the grandchild for the summer ... Their neighbours and friends will be asking them - "Is the little one coming over for the summer?" :-)

Please relax.

I am shocked at the comments. I suppose there is a big cultural difference there ... But unless you are having other marital problems, I wouldn't freak out and get lawyers involved ...

Am I right in assuming,then, that both of your parents were in agreement with you spending your summers with your grandparents?
The issue with the OP is- he is not in agreement with his wife.
Bottom line, if both parents don't agree, then it is a problem, and it would be wrong to take the child out of Ireland without Father's consent.
The child does not deserve to be caught in the middle of what's "normal" or not.

muntschkin

Yes, I agree. But to suggest that the OP should look for a lawyer and that his wife is trying to run away with the child is just ridiculous in this situation ...

In any case, they should talk and find a compromise.

Shivers26

I'll tell you 2 stories.....

My uncle is married to an Eastern European woman and they have young children. They spend approx 10 weeks every Summer in her home country but due to flexibility with work the whole family goes. The kids get immersed in the culture and keep up the language learning. Seems to work for them and they also speak both languages at home when in Ireland.

However, my mother used to mind my older son (he's 12 now) when he was younger and I started working full time. She would collect him from school and mind him til I got home. Then the child had problems with another child in the school and as it was close to the end of the school year my mother suggested moving him to a school beside her and sure he might as well stay with her all week 'for convenience' and I just went along with it. So my mother took the child all week and I would have him on the weekends. This went on for a while but it just didn't work but after about 2 years of being a part time mother I can tell you honestly, my relationship with my son is damaged. I just don't feel the bond with him that I once had. At the time, I was a single parent and I know my mother thought she was doing me a favour but it just ended up causing more harm than good. She essentially raised him and she didn't do things how I would have done them and there were just so many problems. I love my son to bits but we just dont have that same bond any more and that is heartbreaking.

i guess what I am saying from experience is think long and hard before you let anyone else get so heavily involved in the parenting of your child.

Semele

Although I can see why the OP is upset about this and do think that it's unfair of his wife to expect him to be automatically ok with it, I think people are overreacting a little about the idea of a child being sent to stay with extended family. It's not that unusual, although may admittedly be so in our current culture.

When I was younger (26 now), I lived with my mum and grandparents and my older English cousin would spend every summer with us on his own, and this was from the ages of 4-10 ish. His parents both worked long hours and didn't want him to be stuck in daycare in a busy city throughout his summer holidays so he'd come to stay in the country with his grandparents and he loved it. He used to get the flight alone as well, being treated like royalty by the air hostesses! It's all about how it's presented- because he was encouraged to see it as an adventure and loved seeing our grandparents he never felt abandoned or scared. Children are very attuned to the behaviour of their parents, so if you experience a parting as a sad and upsetting event then they are more likely to get upset over it.

Certainly from a cultural perspective it's very common elsewhere. I work with a number of African women who have children back in Africa being brought up by relatives while these women work in very well-paid jobs in the UK and go back to their family every summer. While I wouldn't like that degree of separation it's quite usual in their culture and so nobody involved experiences it as traumatic.

If I was in your position I would talk to my wife about it maybe compromise on a shorter stay, possibly with your wife present and you joining the group for the last week or two. I personally think it would be nice for your child to spend some time every summer in her/his other culture and with the other set of grandparents and this is likely to be far more successful if the child is used to it from an early age.

To refer to my cousin again- it's made him amazingly confident and independant in comparison to his younger brothers who didn't have the same experience. While very close to his parents he's never been a nervous child in relation to new experiences (school trips, starting new schools, etc). He could talk to anyone from an early age and has spent his adult life going from one amazing overseas work opportunity to another- again the contrast between him and his brothers is unbelieveable.

Walls

Maybe when the child is older, 18 months old seems far too young to be away for three months. How about when your child is over 7 years old they can go? Would that be a viable compromise?

King of Kings

muntschkin wrote: »

Yes, I agree. But to suggest that the OP should look for a lawyer and that his wife is trying to run away with the child is just ridiculous in this situation ...

In any case, they should talk and find a compromise.

I don't understand what is ridiculous about my legal advise suggestion? In any circumstance in life - there is nothing ever ridiculous in knowing your rights. On any matter.

He gives the impression he doesn't trust his wife's motives and if he thinks they may break up - then it's necessary to get advice , even if the wife was irish as well.

When you went back to Eastern Europe to your grandparents for the summer .
What age were you?
You also don't tell us if you were living in ireland or eastern europe at the time. Which was it?

Cos it's a huge difference to send you kids to stay in a town a few hours away by car than a country 1000s of miles away. It's not the same and it's ridiculous to pretend it is .

Anyway the kid is 18 months old - it's far too young maybe when the kid was 6 or so it would fine.

metrovelvet

Personally, I think 18 mos is too young to be seperated from a primary carer for that long.

Da Shins Kelly

In my opinion, the child is far too young to be separated from the mother and father for that long. It'd be fine if it was a month away with his mother, but three months in a foreign country with a different language and virtual strangers is a bit much, I think. It might be a cultural thing, but if there are marriage difficulties, I'd be very, very careful about what happens here. It might mean kicking up an almighty fuss, but if the baby is taken away to another country and you split with your wife in the meantime, it could be some time before you see your child again.

Emoi

I've heard of 4 different situations very recently where this happened to Irish men married to Eastern European women.

3 of the cases involved a child.

The children got sent over, then the wife split with husband, started divorce proceedings and went home. Horrendous.

The other case there was no child involved but she was trying to get her share of the house her Irish father-in-law built for the couple.

Thankfully the deeds were in the father-in-laws name and the judge saw through what she was doing.

None of us know what your relationship is like with your wife and we could all be getting alarmed for nothing!

But it has happened to four different Irish men I know and know of, and they prob won't be the last, it's heartbreaking.

If we are all over reacting, I apologise!

But regardless, 18 mnths is far too young to let out of your sight for that lenght of time, don't miss out on a second of your child early years!

Memnoch

I spent(most) of the first three years of my life with my grandparents, as did my brother.

There are complex reasons behind this but we turned out fine. And my mother is one of the most caring and responsible mothers in the world. She gave us a fine upbringing, unlimited love and a fantastic education.

fattymuatty

My daughter is 18months and there is no way I would let her go anywhere for 3months without me. She shadows me everywhere, everyday. I can't even begin to imagine how it would impact on her emotional well being to be sent away for 3 months. Children change so much at this age, learning new words and new skills, nothing could make me miss out on all that.

Elle Collins

Sorry but I'd have to wonder what sort of mother we're talking about here. Does she have any interest in raising her own child or what, because it looks to me like she cant wait to see the back of it.

Emoi

Elle Collins wrote: »

Sorry but I'd have to wonder what sort of mother we're talking about here. Does she have any interest in raising her own child or what, because it looks to me like she cant wait to see the back of it.

Yes exactly, why would she want to say goodbye to her baby for that lenght of time??

Maybe it just the cultural difference but the whole set up sounds bizzare!!

Herrick

Emoi wrote: »

I've heard of 4 different situations very recently where this happened to Irish men married to Eastern European women.

3 of the cases involved a child.

The children got sent over, then the wife split with husband, started divorce proceedings and went home. Horrendous.

The other case there was no child involved but she was trying to get her share of the house her Irish father-in-law built for the couple.

Thankfully the deeds were in the father-in-laws name and the judge saw through what she was doing.

None of us know what your relationship is like with your wife and we could all be getting alarmed for nothing!

But it has happened to four different Irish men I know and know of, and they prob won't be the last, it's heartbreaking.

If we are all over reacting, I apologise!

But regardless, 18 mnths is far too young to let out of your sight for that lenght of time, don't miss out on a second of your child early years!

When I first read the thread this is exactly what I was afraid was going to happen to the OP. I think the OP also mentioned that they were close to splitting over the issue? Maybe it's just me but if it's something he's so totally against you'd think she might at least be willing to compromise over the issue, but looking to split? Is that possibly what she is after anyway, get the child out first so he can't do anything to stop her?

I fully admit I'm not enlightened on this practice and she could honestly not understand why he's so against it, but personally, I find it a bit suss.