Any Emotional Baggage Holding You Back?

Kiva.D

Working in a small coffee shop, I am (unfortunately) privy to private conversations. Yesterday I overheard an officer ask a squaddie "What is holding you back from getting married?" His answer: "I haven't found a woman of noble character."

While his answer (or excuse) is indeed :eek: worthy of considerable debate, I prefer to focus on the question.

I asked myself, what is holding ME back? After digging through the standard excuses, I discovered a recurring underlying issue that I was totally unaware of... My emotional baggage consists of one question: are men trustworthy?

What about you?
What is holding you back from being in a healthy relationship?
If you are in a good relationship, did you bring any emotional baggage into it?

squeakyduck

Wow what an interesting topic.

Emotional baggage comes part and parcel of every new relationship. I had some emotional baggage going into the relationship I am in now, but he was very good to me and let me get it all out. He's like my shrink, I can bitch and moan about all the crap in my life to him!

I can't believe that guy said that about women in general. There are many good women in Ireland, who are of "noble character" (very fancy way of saying it isn't it?!) but you also have those bad eggs that aren't worth your time or patience. Very general comment about women though.

Giselle

Letting go of the past, and projecting past hurts into the future is what holds me back. Once bitten, twice shy.

Everyone has baggage, its the ones who don't realise what theirs is that are most likely to repeat their patterns, imo.

vampire of kilmainham

Kiva.D wrote: »

Working in a small coffee shop, I am (unfortunately) privy to private conversations. Yesterday I overheard an officer ask a squaddie "What is holding you back from getting married?" His answer: "I haven't found a woman of noble character."

While his answer (or excuse) is indeed :eek: worthy of considerable debate, I prefer to focus on the question.

I asked myself, what is holding ME back? After digging through the standard excuses, I discovered a recurring underlying issue that I was totally unaware of... My emotional baggage consists of one question: are men trustworthy?

What about you?
What is holding you back from being in a healthy relationship?
If you are in a good relationship, did you bring any emotional baggage into it?

commissioned officers dont socialise with squaddies it has allways been frowned upon among officers

Kiva.D

vampire of kilmainham wrote: »

commissioned officers dont socialise with squaddies it has allways been frowned upon among officers

You evidently missed the point... But if that's what matters to you... Sorry, I'm not accustomed to asking customers about their relationships or soldiers about their commission status... I simply inadvertently overheard a conversation between a young soldier and one of the soldiers in-charge (which does happen frequently on campus, near an air force and a recruiting base). Back to the point, it was an interesting question that, after introspection can offer insight into a womans soul...

I think despite my history I'm still open to being trusting and everything again. I must be some kind of eternal optimist.
I did have a good bit of baggage after one particular ex some years ago but I've dealt with it and moved on. I can't promise I wouldn't punch him in the face if I saw him again though...

Wibbs

In general life not that much holding me back emotionally. There was a period of time when the deaths of three people close to me weighed heavily on me, but I didn't see it at the time, like you often don't. Though the need for half a bottle of claret a night to sleep for two years was fairly onbious looking back... Duuuuh Now, nothing I can think of.

In relationships? Probably the same as you only from the other side of the fence.:) Are women trustworthy?. For me and from my experience? "Sometimes" is the answer that comes back. Funny as friends I trust them more than men as a general thing. As lovers, no way. It has been my experience that a woman's* romantic love is much more conditional and mercurial. Now maybe that's karma screwing with me,:eek: cos I was the bit on the side and a bit of a slapper more than once, but now I'd always keep a lover at an emotional distance and that's my baggage.




*generic woman(tm).

krudler

Eh it depends, I'd be wary again of someone who kept me at a distance like my ex, especially when it came to family and friends and feeling like I was completely seperate from all that, I'm not a "bring someone home to meet the parents after a week" person at all, far from it, but not meeting someones family after 2 YEARS? come on!

but on the flip side I've been on the total opposite, sunday dinners expected at her parents, always on best behaviour and had to pretend (I dropped that act fairly sharpish) that I believed in god so as not to offend her "devout catholic" parents, sigh..

Ickle Magoo

I'm married now but yeah, I reckon we both brought a lot of emotional baggage to the relationship - both familial and relationship-wise and I think working through that is what makes us so tight now. When we met we started talking and talking, and talking - we are both quite analytical people and we enjoy a good debate and it was immensely cathartic to lay bare, as it were, emotionally that is.

Looking back I think it's clear I never truly trusted anyone or really let someone in before meeting him. Learning to do that because I knew deep down he was good for me when ever fibre of my being was telling me to run in the opposite direction rather than take that risk, was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome.

LegacyUser

Inexperience.

The inhibitions caused by lack of experience at the stage of life I'm at, forces me to abandon lots of the conventional ways of meeting people. Mainly out of fear of 'disappointing' potential partners who might have expectations very early on. It's a catch 22.

flowerchild

Kiva.D wrote: »

While his answer (or excuse) is indeed :eek: worthy of considerable debate, I prefer to focus on the question.

I asked myself, what is holding ME back? After digging through the standard excuses, I discovered a recurring underlying issue that I was totally unaware of... My emotional baggage consists of one question: are men trustworthy?

What about you?
What is holding you back from being in a healthy relationship?
If you are in a good relationship, did you bring any emotional baggage into it?

I am in a healthy relationship. Have a brought emotional baggage into it? Heaps, I think, although we have an excellent pattern of talking things through. Anything can be said, and dealt with. And I really like that.

My baggage is not about men, in particular or in general. I have a great husband and I had a lovely father. My biggest baggage is about me. I have blamed myself for my greatest life hurts, and they were very hurtful. I felt I created them through poor choices, and through not acting soon enough when I was younger. So my baggage is my belief that I am not trustworthy. I think that is why I panic when I look in the mirror and my face looks sharper. I am scared that I will do something stupid and hurt myself so I stop that from happening by making myself less attractive.

I think also I have brought some baggage into my marriage. I trust my husband completely and look to him at times for advice and to get me through tricky times. I have extended that into my discomfort zones of numbers and technology. So I learn new technical stuff by being taught by him, and really that is limiting. And somewhat unfair. I have a new digital pen that is quite exciting in its possibilities but I find myself resentful that he has not yet taught me all the refined uses. I am perfectly comfortable selling, but I am less active in financial management than I ought to be.

Being self-aware is the first step towards change, so I am moving in the right direction.

Novella

I have a lot of emotional baggage, I think. I'm not sure if I have more than the average person, or if the fact that I've seen a therapist for the best part of 2 years now has just made me more aware of it than most. Personally, I don't think I'd have a clue about the things that hold me back had I not spent so much time talking out every single little problem, but funnily, the majority of my tiny problems stem from bigger one's but I'd never have linked them. I know some people see therapy as self indulgent but I feel like I finally know myself.

I guess my most serious baggage is fear of abandonment in my closest relationships. My granny died when I was 12 and because I'd lived with her and she'd been the mother in my life, she meant a hell of a lot to me. Her death was a huge surprise to me 'cause no one explained how ill she was. I thought she'd be coming home from hospital and everything would be fine. Even now, 10 years later, I find myself on high alert... If I get too close to someone, I pull back. It's because I'm scared if they ever leave my life I won't be able to cope, in the same way that I didn't cope years ago.

Lia_lia

Novella wrote: »

I guess my most serious baggage is fear of abandonment in my closest relationships.

Yeah, that's my only one really. My Dad left my Mother when I was 7. And we had to move countries. I never thought it had much of an impact on my relationships with people, but it really does. I have only really ever had one proper relationship. These days when I get too close to someone I push them away out of fear of them leaving me/something bad happening. It's horrible and selfish come to think of it.

Maple

This is going to sound incredibly self-indulgent but my love for my siblings has sometimes held me back in the past. I'm the eldest, my parents are bitterly divorced and one of my sisters has serious life-threatening epilepsy so for a long period of time I put them first and myself second. I was the go-to person, it didn't matter what I had planned, if they needed something I was ever ready. I sacrificed myself time and time again. They're older now so it's not as bad but I still do have to remind myself by times that the world will not end if they have to sort out something themselves, and that just because I can doesn't mean I have to.

Even writing that I feel incredibly disloyal, but it is the truth.

CathyMoran

The thing that stopped me from mayying my husband for so long was that I did not want a big wedding but I still wanted my daddy to give me away - it sounds so stupid as I met the right person so young but I just did not want a big fuss, I just wanted it to be about the two of us but everytime I tried to get married it snowballed into a huge thing that I did not want - I just wanted (and still want my husband). I should have told my husband sooner.

krudler

This kinda pertains to the same question, would you prefer someone with no experience of dealing with heartache etc, as in absolutely no emotional baggage, or someone thats had a few failed relationships under their belt and knows what the important things are in a relationship? I guess its an age thing really but you'd be surprised how supposedly mature people act when they dont get their way in relationships.

krudler

krudler wrote: »

This kinda pertains to the same question, would you prefer someone with no experience of dealing with heartache etc, as in absolutely no emotional baggage, or someone thats had a few failed relationships under their belt and knows what the important things are in a relationship? I guess its an age thing really but you'd be surprised how supposedly mature people act when they dont get their way in relationships.

That's true - I have learned a lot and know better what I do and don't want, I think

skywards

krudler wrote: »

Eh it depends, I'd be wary again of someone who kept me at a distance like my ex, especially when it came to family and friends and feeling like I was completely seperate from all that, I'm not a "bring someone home to meet the parents after a week" person at all, far from it, but not meeting someones family after 2 YEARS? come on!

Well on the other side of that, what if they have a family like mine? Tbh if it were me, I would feel I was preserving someones sanity by not subjecting them to the madness that is my family :pac:.

Faith

When my boyfriend broke up with me last year, dealing with it brought a huge amount of baggage to the fore. I can happily say that being forced to face it made me deal with a lot of it, and I feel so much freer these days.

But that aside, I think I have a fair few issues that I'm still dealing it resulting from childhood and whatnot. It was holding me back to a degree, but with a bit of counselling, I've learned to at least recognise it now. I honestly don't know if it's holding me back from a relationship. What is holding me back is probably not being properly over my ex tbh!

krudler

bluewolf wrote: »

That's true - I have learned a lot and know better what I do and don't want, I think

I definitely know better than to freak out over the small things, and talking rather than arguing solves way more problems, I hate arguing, not that I think relationships shouldnt have any of it, thats a pressure cooker explosion waiting to happen, but the time wasted fighting then doing the not talking to each other for a few days thing is stupid, thats time you could have spent talking about what the issue was and moving on. My ex used to drive me mad cos she was one of thos "we're fighting so I'm not texting you for a few days until I act like nothing happened and we tentatively start talking again" types. Whereas I'm a "we've had a fight, I'm gonna go for a walk or do something else for an hour, clear my head, I'll come back, we'll sit down and chat like adults" type.

only good part about arguing is the makeup sex :pac:

seenitall

How much time do ya got?

But essentially, what's holding me back from getting into a nice, healthy, meaningful relationship (I think) could be sufficiently described with the following image:

There are 10 men in a room. 9 of them are sane, decent, uncomplicated blokes. One is a damaged, charismatic bastard with the amount of baggage rivalling Lady Gaga's when she's on tour. Guess which one of these 10 I will zoom in on every single time?

The trouble here is that knowing the problem isn't the same as solving it. How do you change who you are attracted to? I don't know, I haven't been able to yet. My attractions are instantaneous and strong. Love/lust at first sight.

Just to round it off, I will blame this conundrum on my fecked-up childhood, growing up with a psycho mother and an elusive father -

- whatever else you do in life, just make sure you choose your parents wisely.;) It matters more than I can put into words.


p.s. I recently took a long sabbatical from relationships but that didn't seem to help either, as I was back in the old familiar territory with my most recent one (although it was fun while it lasted ).

p.p.s. Did I mention I was in therapy? :pac:

Wibbs

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Looking back I think it's clear I never truly trusted anyone or really let someone in before meeting him.

I reckon that's a very good foundation for a very long termer. The problem arises of course when you do that and they do that and still it goes tits up.

Novella wrote: »

I guess my most serious baggage is fear of abandonment in my closest relationships.

Lia_lia wrote: »

These days when I get too close to someone I push them away out of fear of them leaving me/something bad happening.

This in my experience is so common especially among women. So common. I know far more women than men* with abandonment fears. Usually daddy being a plank boringly enough. Or their very first boyfriend. If the dad is grand, then it's nearly always that. The first bloke they practice love with. Like the way a lot of romantically inept friendzone guys end up that way because their first "love" was unrequited so that sets up the pattern. Add in societal pressures around being a young woman and same pressures on women about being relationship focused(way more than young men). It's not easy. Yea being a young bloke has it's "fun" moments, but in this I do think women have it harder. They just appear to have it easier to many men because they appear to have more choice.

It's horrible and selfish come to think of it.

It's self centered in parts, doesn't always make it selfish though. Not IMHO anyway. There's a diff between the two. You're focused on not being hurt because you expect that and logic and experience will tell you that in most cases it will go south so why put yourself through that? kinda thing. If it is being horrible LL it's being more horrible to you.

seenitall wrote:

There are 10 men in a room. 9 of them are sane, decent, uncomplicated blokes. One is a damaged, charismatic bastard with the amount of baggage rivalling Lady Gaga's when she's on tour. Guess which one of these 10 I will zoom in on every single time?

There's an image *Generalisations shooting the breeze to follow* I used to wonder about that with women mates of mine and the odd bloke who just aimed at thundering bitches. The latter is usually a mammy complex IMHO or he thinks he's batting out of his league and is so grateful for the action. With the ladies beyond all the Dr. Phil type musings, I reckon it's also down to other factors. Numero uno among them, they're like you say charismatic. More to the point emotionally stimulating. The sane decent uncomplicated blokes for the most part(generalisation) are a lot duller, less an emotional rollercoaster. Some women need the wild ride(not that smutty people:P). They need a level of emotional stimulation and if they don't get it either get bored or actually engineer situations to provide that stimulation. IE, drama. The bastard feeds this out of the box. So does the actual good man, but differently. "Nice guys" don't so much, except to frustrate you.

So I'd say your built in template is only slightly outa whack S and that you've not met so many actual good guys. The actual good guy is going to be socially charismatic, and exciting and will not take your shít, but will see you as an equal. The latter is what to look out for if you're a woman IMHO. The saddo will always look up to you, the dick will always look down on you, but the good man will look you square in the eye.

end ramble well....




*Now maybe the men don't admit it? but I'm not so sure. Mates have admitted more embarrassing stuff, but not that.

Eve_Dublin

All the emotional baggage I carry around is from growing up in the house I grew up in. It wasn't easy. That coupled with being bullied at school has made me extremely self-reliant and cagey in relationships. I could last days and days alone without anyone. I don't feel I need anyone and that stops me from ever letting my guard down. My fear of letting my guard down is getting hurt again. Thing is, I'd like a relationship and all it entails. I'm actually an emotional sap underneath my cool exterior but it rarely bubbles to the surface except in a fit of rage. I've never been treated like crap by a guy really. I've always chosen good men but things didn't work because of lack of attraction, circumstances, wanting different things or just fizzling out from lack of interest. Nothing bad has happened to me in a relationship but I've never felt that mad, deep love that knocks the socks off you and I'm afraid being the person I am, it'll never happen.

I'm seeing a guy at the moment and I can already tell that although he likes me, he thinks I'm too self-sufficient for him and he doesn't really know how to take me. I can tell he wants that all-consuming love and I don't know how to do that. I don't want to lose my independence and I don't want to become one half of a couple and lose my identity. I don't want to need anyone because I've never needed anyone. I've never let anyone in.

I think I'm going to die alone

beks101

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I think I'm going to die alone

There should be a new forum for people like us! We can all knit jumpers for each other and talk about our cats...?!!

I'm just a stubborn son of a b1tch and definitely once bitten, twice shy. I don't have any significant relationship baggage but definitely have a problem opening up and making myself emotionally available to someone.

More recently I'm finding myself slipping into physical-only relationships, which is fine for the time-being as I have a high sex drive and at the moment don't really want anything more, but I know when that changes I won't know where to start. I hate the idea of relying on someone else, giving them power over my feelings, making myself completely vulnerable to someone...a few life experiences and family events have made me more self-contained and independent than I ever imagined I would be.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those trusting, heart-on-their-sleeve type of characters who lets life events bounce off them without tarring how they see other people or the world...but I've always over-thought everything and learned from an early age to be self-protective.

Ectoplasm

Really interesting topic...and interesting to see the responses to it.

I'd never seriously considered my relationships before the last year or so. I'd had some, but no real long termers. I never worried about it and always thought that I just hadn't met the right person for me. I'm pretty independent and always have been so I just put it down to enjoying being single and not meeting anyone special enough to change that for.

Then I hit that age where everyone is starting to settle down, get married, have babies and I suddenly thought - you know what, I might like to do that too. It's not that I woke up and suddenly decided "I want a man" or anything like that - it was more a case of seeing the people around me having successful relationships and starting to question why I didn't and why I had never really had one. This combined with a bit of a crisis in my work life (disliking my job intensely but not sure what else to do) and the death of my father sent me off to a therapist.

Seeing her has been an absolute eye-opener. It turns out, most of my relationships - and I mean family and friends here - are very longstanding. The short version is that my mam died when I was 12, leaving me with my Dad and four brothers. Not to diss them, but it was tough at that age to have no older woman around. Her death has managed to define me in ways I'm only realising now. I didn't let people in.

So, same as others, a fear of abandonment really. I'll say this though, copping onto this has been like releasing a pressure valve or something. I've taken more risks in the last year than probably the ten years previous combined. Emotional baggage isn't bad - it makes us the people we are, (tbh, if someone said they had none I'd either find it hard to believe or probably find them incredibly boring) so I think it's about what you do with that baggage that will make more of a difference to your life.

Count Duckula

I was dumped by my first serious girlfriend quite unceremoniously out of the blue (at least for me), and then found out she was going out with someone else less than a week later. He was a friend she knew from home, and I've always wondered since if they'd not "got together" before she broke up with me. As a result, I was always wary about getting into another relationship, and with my current girlfriend and the woman I now know I want to spend my life with, it took me a good month or so to finally convince myself she wasn't just going to up and leave me for someone else. It didn't help that she'd just come out of a long-term relationship.

Wow, I don't think I've ever actually put that down in writing before. How cathartic the internet can be!

Waste0fSpace

I'm seeing a married guy 14 yrs older than me.... guess that says enough

Jemmy

Yes alot and it would be great to just put it down & walk away!

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

There's an image *Generalisations shooting the breeze to follow* I used to wonder about that with women mates of mine and the odd bloke who just aimed at thundering bitches. The latter is usually a mammy complex IMHO or he thinks he's batting out of his league and is so grateful for the action. With the ladies beyond all the Dr. Phil type musings, I reckon it's also down to other factors. Numero uno among them, they're like you say charismatic. More to the point emotionally stimulating. The sane decent uncomplicated blokes for the most part(generalisation) are a lot duller, less an emotional rollercoaster. Some women need the wild ride(not that smutty people:P). They need a level of emotional stimulation and if they don't get it either get bored or actually engineer situations to provide that stimulation. IE, drama. The bastard feeds this out of the box. So does the actual good man, but differently. "Nice guys" don't so much, except to frustrate you.

So I'd say your built in template is only slightly outa whack S and that you've not met so many actual good guys. The actual good guy is going to be socially charismatic, and exciting and will not take your shít, but will see you as an equal. The latter is what to look out for if you're a woman IMHO. The saddo will always look up to you, the dick will always look down on you, but the good man will look you square in the eye.

Yar. "Only slightly outta whack"? That sounds good, thanks. Maybe I should sit back a little and have some faith that the "actual good guy(s)" who I've so far managed to avoid meeting, is/are on their way... at some point in time... hopefully before I become a grandmother... :pac:

Asphyxia

Both myself and my boyfriend came from relationships where we had been cheated on throughout, it made it difficult at the start and trust was an issue for me. I made the decision to work at it and with time and a lot of communication our relationship became stronger and trust developed I've got nothing holding me back now and I don't feel like I have to be cautious! We're happy and that's the main thing

Chuchoter

For me, the biggest obstacles are things beyond my control that should be gone in a year or two, but in myself its that relationships scare me and I always seem to end up getting way, way too wrapped up in the person I'm going out with. I'm also a really private person with everyone, I've been told by several people its like knowing loads of different people knowing me because theres the smiley funny me for most people and then there are the parts of me that are very dark and angry that no-one really sees. I need to be careful with it because it does result in me coming off very intimidating and judgmental because everything I say and do is so carefully measured, people think I'm looking down on them.

allandanyways

I gave absolutely everything to my ex and he (apparently- as in according to him- unintentionally) stomped all over it when we broke up. He destroyed me.

It's going to be a long time before I ever trust anyone ever again, and that scares the crap out of me. I can feel it in myself, I can give everything physically to a man, but I don't let them in emotionally so if it ends, I'm not hurt. I let them know so much about me up to a certain point, but I don't give them anything with which they could potentially hurt me, even if that means edging out bits of my personality that are quite substantial parts of my personality but also quite close to my heart.

My ex getting with someone else almost immediately after we broke up (after telling me that he couldn't be with anyone for the next year) completely shattered my confidence and self worth, so even with friends, I've noticed myself immediately rebuking compliments, because I don't believe I'm worthy of them. It's hard to explain but I literally feel the block or baggage or whatever you want to call it sitting on my shoulders.

It's sad because the old me wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone that crossed her path indiscriminately. Now I'm suspicious of everyone and the ways in which they could hurt me because I never, ever want to give someone the power to destroy me ever again.

I used to scoff at American dramas where the characters claimed they were scared to love again. Now I get it, and it's horrible.

liah

I had a lot of baggage. I don't know that I necessarily have baggage anymore. I've recognized and dealt with pretty much everything in my past and what behaviour it resulted in and don't tend to carry stuff over anymore.

I'm single now because I haven't really been arsed looking, I'm quite happy being single and I'm a naturally independent enough person. I guess this could also be because I have a roommate to keep me company so I don't notice any loneliness, though.. I'm not sure. I feel happy and confident and satisfied enough when I am alone, anyway. Funniest thing is, when in a relationship I'm the most affectionate, attentive person ever (though not clingy). I do feel a bit 'wasted' being single, if that makes sense?

I've also never had a really bad relationship (though I did have daddy/abandonment issues). My first love was lovely and safe and sweet and everything a first teenage love should be, my second love was even sweeter. The third was a hell of a rollercoaster and the 'worst' relationship I've been in, but he was never malicious or intentionally bad or cruel to me, just immature, and I recognize that so it doesn't bother me, it was an age thing specific to him. I'm still friendly with all my exes and talk to all of them relatively regularly. I've never been cheated on or lied to or anything, just the regular ups and downs.

I've done the NSA/ONS thing and had fun with that. Think it's mostly out of my system now, it was fun at the time but it's not what I'm looking for.

And I'm good at letting people in, I wasn't always though. I'm a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve type, but not in any kind of dramatic way. More a, "hey, this is important, let's have a chat" way. I put my honest self out there to everyone I meet, and I think this plays a massive role in why I have such solid friendships and relationships - I know pretty much straight away and they will too if we'll get on. Just makes life a million times easier. No games etc. I'm pretty good at recognizing the 'good' people and keep well away from the bad ones. That could be luck though, who knows!

The only thing holding me back is that I'm content being single. I'd love to find the right partner.. I just don't exactly want to have to go looking for them. I wonder if that's because of baggage I haven't copped to yet.. hmm :eek:

starlit

Maybe I have some bit but I do try to get past it and get over it and not let it bother me.

Elphaba

allandanyways wrote: »

I gave absolutely everything to my ex and he (apparently- as in according to him- unintentionally) stomped all over it when we broke up. He destroyed me.

It's going to be a long time before I ever trust anyone ever again, and that scares the crap out of me. I can feel it in myself, I can give everything physically to a man, but I don't let them in emotionally so if it ends, I'm not hurt. I let them know so much about me up to a certain point, but I don't give them anything with which they could potentially hurt me, even if that means edging out bits of my personality that are quite substantial parts of my personality but also quite close to my heart.

My ex getting with someone else almost immediately after we broke up (after telling me that he couldn't be with anyone for the next year) completely shattered my confidence and self worth, so even with friends, I've noticed myself immediately rebuking compliments, because I don't believe I'm worthy of them. It's hard to explain but I literally feel the block or baggage or whatever you want to call it sitting on my shoulders.

It's sad because the old me wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone that crossed her path indiscriminately. Now I'm suspicious of everyone and the ways in which they could hurt me because I never, ever want to give someone the power to destroy me ever again.

I used to scoff at American dramas where the characters claimed they were scared to love again. Now I get it, and it's horrible.

You poor thing. It absolutely sucks to be in this situation. I had the same experience with a guy I went out with for 2 years. I was 200% convinced that this was it, we'd be together for ever. His feelings changed and he dumped me on Christmas Eve 2004. I still think of it every Christmas Eve. I don't dwell on it but it's annoying that it pops into my head. So after moping around for a few months I started to slut it up big style! Had fun and partied a lot, it was a good time and a bad time cos I was going wild at the weekends and was distraught inside.

I met a great guy a couple of years later and we're still together now. He's never had his heart broken and I hate that I can't say the same back when he says we're gonna be together forever. I want us to be but I feel like my past experience has killed that part of me that could believe stuff like that. That's kinda sad. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and now I feel like I'm still so careful about being vulnerable. I saw a home video of my 25 year old self there a while ago (I'm 32 now) and it's like a totally different person. I wish I had never met the guy who dumped me. Even thought there were plenty of good times who'd have thought the break up could still affect me years later. But it's not like it plagues me, just realised I've gone on a bit of a rant there, I guess the feelings are there hidden away in side me. I didn't think I'd ever want to be with someone again and when I met my current man I saw it as a bit of a fling, we both did and then we fell for each other and I couldnt be happier with him now. Just wish I didn't feel haunted every so often by stupid past memories!

So I feel for you allandanyways. It plain sucks but try to remain you. I feel like I let myself change too much and now I'm trying to find the old me again. If I could give you any advice it would be Don't forget the qualities that make you so special, even if he didn't appreciate them.

LegacyUser

My mam dying and month later the guy I was living with and planning to marry telling me things had changed and basically telling me I was no craic anymore and he felt down!Basically broke up and found out nearly straight away he was shagging a girl in his new job who was great craic! So it seemed I wasnt allowed to feel down and grieve for my mother! It doesnt help my faith in men is a little off too since been single, the amount I have encountered that have girlfriends, wives etc that still hit on me makes me wonder where are the nice guys out there! Even the other weekend I had a guy trying it on and wanting to buy me drinks but then a guy came over fuming saying he was the guys brother in law and his sister was expecting a baby in afew weeks! No ring so had no idea! Also a colleague who keeps trying it on even though hes in a serious relationship. I could write a book on guys who need to cop on and appreciate who they are with and stop looking elsewhere. Im tired of people saying to me that they cant believe i'm not with someone but I just cant meet anyone who is just straight up straight down without games or other halfs etc.

Storminateacup

Anything I ever cared about seemed to just leave me. Be it by choice or by death.
I learned that its not better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. If you don't love, you can't be let down. They can't hurt you.

I am in a relationship with someone, but it was far from easy. We have been friends years and he was there for me when I was at some of the lowest most unattractive points of my life, when i was really out of control.
Where we are at right now - it was a battle. He was my best friend, we got together, I pushed him away, we worked it out. I hurt him a lot, it was never intentional, and a weaker man would have just given up on me, like I deserved. He didn't though.

Life is good right now. He's still my best friend, I'm pregnant with his child but there is this paranoia, that something will come and destroy everything I have and I honestly couldn't take any more hurt.

Elphaba

Storminateacup wrote: »

Anything I ever cared about seemed to just leave me. Be it by choice or by death.
I learned that its not better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. If you don't love, you can't be let down. They can't hurt you.

Life is good right now. He's still my best friend, I'm pregnant with his child but there is this paranoia, that something will come and destroy everything I have and I honestly couldn't take any more hurt.

Unfortunately I agree on the first statement!

I know what you mean about the paranoia. Once you are hurt the fear is still there. I like to think that that kind of hurt can only happen a person once.