Secretly Gay

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm a 19 year old guy living in Dublin 6. I've recently accepted that I am gay but I don't think I'm ready to come out to anyone yet. I'm a regular bloke who's in college, plays rugby, goes out with the lads etc and the thought of telling anyone sends shivers down my spine. Is there anyone else around my age that's in a similar position to me and who lives in my area?

deirdre_dub

ruggerlad19 wrote: »

Hey, I'm a 19 year old guy living in Dublin 6. I've recently accepted that I am gay but I don't think I'm ready to come out to anyone yet. I'm a regular bloke who's in college, plays rugby, goes out with the lads etc and the thought of telling anyone sends shivers down my spine. Is there anyone else around my age that's in a similar position to me and who lives in my area?

http://www.belongto.org/

AndrewJD

As suspiciously coincidental as it sounds, I am actually a 19 y/o, college-going gay guy living in D6. It's a small world. I'm out though.

So if you don't fancy BelongTo (and I've never been, I can't comment) feel free to PM me.

Nebit

ruggerlad19 wrote: »

Hey, I'm a 19 year old guy living in Dublin 6. I've recently accepted that I am gay but I don't think I'm ready to come out to anyone yet. I'm a regular bloke who's in college, plays rugby, goes out with the lads etc and the thought of telling anyone sends shivers down my spine. Is there anyone else around my age that's in a similar position to me and who lives in my area?

I had just turned 20 when i came out, I too was on the rugby team and very much so affraid that coming out would hider my relationship with my team mates and other male friends. At this point i lived on campus and away from home (in mayo) it kinda just gained up on me and i told some of my mates. They all took it well and a few weeks later some of the lads from the rugby team took me to the george. I guess what i mean by this is ... although you think the worst and that they'll treat you differently, on the large scale, they dont care and infact it's just a reason for them to slag you a little more (but in a good way) trust me it's not so bad. My advise would be to tell one of your closer male mates and see if he supports you

Annasopra

ruggerlad19 wrote: »

Hey, I'm a 19 year old guy living in Dublin 6. I've recently accepted that I am gay but I don't think I'm ready to come out to anyone yet. I'm a regular bloke who's in college, plays rugby, goes out with the lads etc and the thought of telling anyone sends shivers down my spine. Is there anyone else around my age that's in a similar position to me and who lives in my area?

Have you thought of maybe joining emerald warriors?

http://ewrfc.ie/

Nebit

Johnnymcg wrote: »

Have you thought of maybe joining emerald warriors?

http://ewrfc.ie/

i dont think that's the best thing to do since he's not even out to friends. I wanted to join the warriors last year but to be honest the stuff i heard from a lot of the gay community has been bad.

unfortunately

I am also 19, and in the closet and staying in D4. I only accepted I was gay a year ago. I don't think anyone would suspect that I'm gay. I don't really want to tell anyone even if they accept me because I don't want to be labeled, I want people to like for who I am.

I'm at college too, but I'm pretty shy and I effectively know no-one who is gay. Things are probably going to get worse for me when I have to move back home for summer - I know all the advice is to got to lgbt societies and gay bars to meet similar people but I am not good with plunging into things like that.

Life is just one big kick in the balls.

Nebit

unfortunately wrote: »

I am also 19, and in the closet and staying in D4. I only accepted I was gay a year ago. I don't think anyone would suspect that I'm gay. I don't really want to tell anyone even if they accept me because I don't want to be labeled, I want people to like for who I am.

I'm at college too, but I'm pretty shy and I effectively know no-one who is gay. Things are probably going to get worse for me when I have to move back home for summer - I know all the advice is to got to lgbt societies and gay bars to meet similar people but I am not good with plunging into things like that.

Life is just one big kick in the balls.

I was the same man, and i thought id be labeled but trust me... it doesnt happen from friends or random people!! In fact in my experience the only labeling i got was from the lgbt societies, saying things like it's an act etc. so i dont even know if id recommend you go to them. The people you hang around with the most and call your friends wont label you, i guarantee that!
If you're worried about random people, noone knows unless you go down o'connell street holding hands with a dude. even then when/if you get to that level where you want to hold a guys hand, you wont give two sh*ts about who is watching.

Annasopra

Nebit wrote: »

i dont think that's the best thing to do since he's not even out to friends. I wanted to join the warriors last year but to be honest the stuff i heard from a lot of the gay community has been bad.

A lot of what I've heard has been good. I'm not quite sure why it should be immediately ruled either because he's not out to friends.

AndrewJD

unfortunately wrote: »

I know all the advice is to got to lgbt societies and gay bars to meet similar people but I am not good with plunging into things like that.

Life is just one big kick in the balls.

I know what you mean there, because it's something I've never really done. Unless you can go to these things with someone else (which a lot of the time isn't the case) it's a bit daunting, and shyness kicks in, and its a lot of hassle, and suddenly it seems much simpler to do what you were doing before. It's important to realise though that if those activities aren't really your thing, there's no point in forcing yourself into something you won't like.

TylerIE

AndrewJD wrote: »

I know what you mean there, because it's something I've never really done. Unless you can go to these things with someone else (which a lot of the time isn't the case) it's a bit daunting, and shyness kicks in, and its a lot of hassle, and suddenly it seems much simpler to do what you were doing before. It's important to realise though that if those activities aren't really your thing, there's no point in forcing yourself into something you won't like.

Not meaning to contradict but I would just toss in that I ventured into the scene on my own a few times in the beginning, having felt societies and BelongTo etc werent my thing.... It can be good to go in yourself and get a feel for it and realise that not every gay guy is [insert stereotype here]... Indeed after weeks of deliberating and chickening out it was hearing a "normal looking", stunning, rugby player going into a certain venue that finally got me to bite the bullet....

It was well worth it and over time you probably will get to meet people who are well... people... who happen to be gay... and who happen to occasionally socialize with other gay people!!! And after a while you may even enjoy the scene....

As for the D6 guys there are plenty of guys in your situation locally, and almost certainly in your sports teams too... Just everybody is all cloak and dagger... But constantly having clandestine meets and being afraid of being found out etc is not going to do much for your health!!!

Annasopra

AndrewJD wrote: »

I know what you mean there, because it's something I've never really done. Unless you can go to these things with someone else (which a lot of the time isn't the case) it's a bit daunting, and shyness kicks in, and its a lot of hassle, and suddenly it seems much simpler to do what you were doing before. It's important to realise though that if those activities aren't really your thing, there's no point in forcing yourself into something you won't like.

On the other hand its important not to isolate yourself because you feel scared of ever taking the plunge and going to social groups etc

AndrewJD

How dare you contradict me?!?! :pac:

I was just throwing out one side of a coin, because not doing these things has worked out fine for me.

CdeC

Nebit wrote: »

i dont think that's the best thing to do since he's not even out to friends. I wanted to join the warriors last year but to be honest the stuff i heard from a lot of the gay community has been bad.

Hey,
I'm a player on the Warriors. Played Rugby from a young age (10) and stopped in college.
Times have really changed and I think people are a lot more educated and aware and most people know and have gay friends. I know it may seem daunting now but the people who really care about you will not mind and they will not see you differently they'll just be glad that you can be honest with them and yourself.

Just a quick reply to Nebits comment, I'm not sure what you heard about the team but we are just a group of guys who like rugby. we've played three seasons of Leinster league rugby and we've had our ups and downs. Including winning a trophy at the Bingham cup last summer.
we've lost some players due to emmigration and work commitments but we really want to do a big recruitment drive next year and guys who have rugby experience are particularly valuable. Keep an eye out for posters and such for next season and come down and give it a chance. Some guys even just stop in and play a few games while playing for other clubs. You get to make some new friends outside of a bar setting and play a bit of rugby.

Nebit

CdeC wrote: »

Hey,
I'm a player on the Warriors. Played Rugby from a young age (10) and stopped in college.
Times have really changed and I think people are a lot more educated and aware and most people know and have gay friends. I know it may seem daunting now but the people who really care about you will not mind and they will not see you differently they'll just be glad that you can be honest with them and yourself.

Just a quick reply to Nebits comment, I'm not sure what you heard about the team but we are just a group of guys who like rugby. we've played three seasons of Leinster league rugby and we've had our ups and downs. Including winning a trophy at the Bingham cup last summer.
we've lost some players due to emmigration and work commitments but we really want to do a big recruitment drive next year and guys who have rugby experience are particularly valuable. Keep an eye out for posters and such for next season and come down and give it a chance. Some guys even just stop in and play a few games while playing for other clubs. You get to make some new friends outside of a bar setting and play a bit of rugby.

Oh no i have no doubt that it's a group of guys who like rugby, I have been considering joining next year even, however at a time when i was really coming out of my shell (not coming out but starting to think feck it ill go out to a gay bar etc) all i heard were bitchy comments from members of the gay community that they were just fake people who wanted to fit in with straight people because of self insecurities...... NOW dont get me wrong, i think thats a load of horse sh*t but at a time where i was just starting to go out, i didnt want to be bitched about by a comunity in which i should have belonged....... it turns out this happened anyway and i was accused of being too straight and told i was a self loathing homophobic from two people quite high in the lgbt comunity in my area.
I realised that this was not my group and that if i ever want to make long lasting friends who don't critisise me in this comunity i need to join a group with more common interests .... hence why i will probably join warriors, however what is keeping me back is the thought that i will not be known as a rugby player who happens to be gay but i will be known as a gay guy who happens to play rugby ....
I just think its a bit forward for someone who's just coming out.

CdeC

Nebit wrote: »

what is keeping me back is the thought that i will not be known as a rugby player who happens to be gay but i will be known as a gay guy who happens to play rugby ....
I just think its a bit forward for someone who's just coming out.

Just like those comments you heard you can't please everybody. It's not important waht people think. We've been criticised as if Rugby has no part in the gay community but I think that's wrong and that is feeding stereotypes. Gay people come from all areas and have as diverse interests as any section of the community.



Anyway just as long as you know that we're there and you're always welcome to come down. Same goes to the OP of this thread. There are people out there with similar interests to yourself and I agree with Nebit that you need to take your time before you launch yourself head first into joining a team but at least you know that we're here and still training away in Dublin. : )

meathawk

Lads lads lads, I was much in the same situation. None of my mates had any clue, I was always considered one of the lads. Then about a summer ago I realised, life is way too short to be hidden like this. At first I was mad suspicious at college especially about who knew, the lads on the hurling team if it got back to them.
I figured out eventually, this gay thing is not going to go away and I'm not saying you jump into the deep end and embrace it with open arms but just accept it's some part of you no matter how minor you think it is. Telling your family is the hard part, once they know you can start kind of exploring the scene and all that. I am still one of the central characters in my circle of lads, nothing's changed there, the team know and couldn't care less.
Definitely, in your head it's a massive deal. You probably think, I am in this alone, none of my mates have to go through this, which to be fair is true. But once it's over, man does it leave so much pressure off.
My biggest fear was that people would see me differently, effeminate or some bullsh/t. But if you're already defined as being a man's man with your mates that perception won't change just because they suddenly find out you take it up to buffer.

Take your time and I've found the best advice is don't plan coming out if you chose to, reactions are generally completely different to what you expect. Just spring it on someone, but don't do that sh/te deep meaningful conversation style coming out when you're hammered, you'll kick yourself for days after.

LegacyUser

Funnily enough I'm 19 too, kinda semi-ish out and I'm living in D6 too. Living in student accom for college out here but I'm not from Dublin.

DevL

meathawk wrote: »

Lads lads lads, I was much in the same situation. None of my mates had any clue, I was always considered one of the lads. Then about a summer ago I realised, life is way too short to be hidden like this. At first I was mad suspicious at college especially about who knew, the lads on the hurling team if it got back to them.
I figured out eventually, this gay thing is not going to go away and I'm not saying you jump into the deep end and embrace it with open arms but just accept it's some part of you no matter how minor you think it is. Telling your family is the hard part, once they know you can start kind of exploring the scene and all that. I am still one of the central characters in my circle of lads, nothing's changed there, the team know and couldn't care less.
Definitely, in your head it's a massive deal. You probably think, I am in this alone, none of my mates have to go through this, which to be fair is true. But once it's over, man does it leave so much pressure off.
My biggest fear was that people would see me differently, effeminate or some bullsh/t. But if you're already defined as being a man's man with your mates that perception won't change just because they suddenly find out you take it up to buffer.

Take your time and I've found the best advice is don't plan coming out if you chose to, reactions are generally completely different to what you expect. Just spring it on someone, but don't do that sh/te deep meaningful conversation style coming out when you're hammered, you'll kick yourself for days after.

All of this is spot on. It's pretty much the exact same as my experience, except for the hurling team bit. Fast forward almost a year after coming out, nothing has changed with my mates, I am far happier in myself and none of my friends give a shit. Several have come to gay bars with me and it was pretty cool seeing my typically macho mates make an effort and get into the whole OTT gay bar scene. That said, I still prefer to just have a few pints and watch the match with them and the good-natured banter about which players are good looking just shows that none of them are bothered that I'm gay.

As meathawk said it's natural to feel alone in this and it is scary when you don't know how people will react. Telling family is hard but if you do it, it is like a massive weight lifted from your shoulders. You will be surprised at how cool people are about it and for the few that might not be, they aren't worth bothering with anyway. If you decide to come out, try telling someone you are close to first, it will give you confidence and will just get easier after that. And yeah, stay away from the drunk-talk coming out moments.

meathawk

Yeah, coming out when you're drunk is such a bad idea. In the long run where and when you come out isn't a big deal but people tend to forget/ not address it if you've all been drinking. Though to be fair, I told half my friends this way and the regret you feel the morning after is terrible and worrying depending on who you told. Just man-up, get the words in your head and say it.

It is unfortunately essential and undeniable to come out if you want to live any sort of normal life in terms of creating a family and having a functional relationship. I couldn't imagine hiding any of this from my family.

AndrewJD

I dunno, it's happened a few times with less-than-best-friends type people whilst I was drunk, and it's been fine for me. At least, I wasn't wracked with nerves waiting for a sober reaction. Next time I saw the people, they brought it up first thing, we laughed a bit, talked a minute, and went on with our lives. It's not a tactic I'd rely on, but it's not too horrendous.

Regarding us all being in D6, there's a fair chance we're all living in the same place. As far as I'm aware, there's only one major student residence in this part of town...

ruggerlad19

Hey, can I just say a big thanks to all of you who replied. Andrew, I actually live at home but not too far from where you mentioned.

I'm sorry but I have absolutely no intention of joing the emerald warriors. I am happy playing for my current club. And besides, just because i'm gay dosen't mean I have to play for a gay rugby team!

ruggerlad19

I welcome more comments to this thread. I'm sure there are even more guys in the same boat as i am. Keep them coming. It's good to know there are a few lads who are near me!

stephen_n

ruggerlad19 wrote: »

just because i'm gay dosen't mean I have to play for a gay rugby team!

Minor correction, Warriors are a gay friendly rugby team, not a gay team, Gay Straight and Bi players are welcome and play for the team. Your right though, if your happy playing with the team your with then you should stick with them. A lot of gay guys never felt comfortable playing in established teams so didn't have that option.

Asry

I just wanted to leave a comment to say that you guys are great! I feel really happy reading this thread - it's wonderful to know that there's gay guys out there who feel they don't have to conform to the 'fairy' stereotype (which constitutes all of the gay men I know, unfortunately). Anyway, you guys are awesome. Also, I love rugby! The emerald warriors should have a girls' team too!

Conor30

Nebit wrote: »

i dont think that's the best thing to do since he's not even out to friends. I wanted to join the warriors last year but to be honest the stuff i heard from a lot of the gay community has been bad.

Why, what bad stuff did you hear?

collegelad

Hi, dunno if this thread is dead but thought I'd give it a go. Basically I'm a 22 year old lad from a similar area and background. Don't really fit in with the gay stereotypes either.

So I'm not out but I've been thinking a lot about it recently. Been something that's just been playing on my mind. I've kinda been seeing this guy recently but it's quite casual at the min. Really like him though. Just wondering if anyone from this thread has been in a similar situation or has any advice regarding coming out, relationships or anything.

Thanks guys.

what the hell!

Are all you guys in Dublin? Same kind of boat here but I'm in cork!

collegelad

what the hell! wrote: »

Are all you guys in Dublin? Same kind of boat here but I'm in cork!

Yep well im from Dublin anyway

oisindoyle

collegelad wrote: »

Hi, dunno if this thread is dead but thought I'd give it a go. Basically I'm a 22 year old lad from a similar area and background. Don't really fit in with the gay stereotypes either.

So I'm not out but I've been thinking a lot about it recently. Been something that's just been playing on my mind. I've kinda been seeing this guy recently but it's quite casual at the min. Really like him though. Just wondering if anyone from this thread has been in a similar situation or has any advice regarding coming out, relationships or anything.

Thanks guys.

Regarding coming out,it's different for all.But in the main I would say the biggest fear is it your head,and what you think people/family/friends will think of you .
For the vast majority,those who mean the most to you will accept you for who you are.

Tainor

Lads will say here, if anyone is in their 18-25 usually (age not defined) and in college, we have the regs meeting on the boards for students that go about monthly. I would say whoever is finding a hard time meeting people for chat and just like to get out tip their toes in the gay scene, so to say. Tag along, usually has a good turn-over and some great laughs. Newcomers are always more than welcomed to join, after all it is the point of the meetings, to meet and chat with like-minded people

This is the one we just had recently.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056913022

Next one should be due sometime in May, not too far along