Is it still safe to fly?

FesterBeatty

I've been dying for a crap for about two hours & I think I'm just about to enter my turd trimester.

It wont come out yet but i should be dilated 10cm by tomorrow morning.

Is it still safe to fly tonight?

Goldenegg

You might be done for excess baggage...

Kylo Ren

rockmongrel

O... k....

TeddyTedson

flying to the cuckoos nest?

epgc3fyqirnbsx

Ask Icarus

samsemtex

I'm sorry but in your condition i think it would be reckless to fly. You have to think of the well being of the turd.

FesterBeatty

samsemtex wrote: »

I'm sorry but in your condition i think it would be reckless to fly. You have to think of the well being of the turd.

You're probably right. Would you recommend smoking or drinking?

El Horseboxo

FesterBeatty wrote: »

You're probably right. Would you recommend smoking or drinking?

Which one shuts you up more?

brianthomas

Ya'll have a nice cigar to smoke when you pass it.

admiralofthefleet

FesterBeatty wrote: »

I've been dying for a crap for about two hours & I think I'm just about to enter my turd trimester.

It wont come out yet but i should be dilated 10cm by tomorrow morning.

Is it still safe to fly tonight?

wait til your in work in the morning then go off to the jax for 'time and a turd' whilst reading Viz

Stained Class

FesterBeatty wrote: »

I've been dying for a crap for about two hours & I think I'm just about to enter my turd trimester.

It wont come out yet but i should be dilated 10cm by tomorrow morning.

Is it still safe to fly tonight?

Doesn't compute.

You talking about having a dump or a baby ,or drugs?

bonerm

Depends. Do you have butt implants? I heard they can explode at high altitudes leaving you in a sh1tty situation.

FesterBeatty

Stained Class wrote: »

Doesn't compute.

You talking about having a dump or a baby

What's the difference?!

admiralofthefleet

FesterBeatty wrote: »

What's the difference?!

no difference, your in labour either way

Stained Class

FesterBeatty wrote: »

What's the difference?!

Dunno.

I'm a bloke, so I'll never know/care anyway.:D

questionmark?

Keno 92 wrote: »

My thoughts exactly.

samsemtex

FesterBeatty wrote: »

You're probably right. Would you recommend smoking or drinking?

Both if at all possible. Make drink a priority. A buckfast and guinness mixture in the right quanties will make passing the turd much more painless. It may even become pleasurable.

FesterBeatty

The way I see it, having a hefty log cant be any worse than giving birth.

So I dont really give a ****.......

ScumLord

FesterBeatty wrote: »

You're probably right. Would you recommend smoking or drinking?

Drink lots of coffee and Guinness.

admiralofthefleet

ScumLord wrote: »

Drink lots of coffee and Guinness.

coffee and orange juice is garaunteed to have your ass like kakatoa

EverEvolving

Buy a bottle of shampoo
Clean toilet seat (Not necesarily with bought shampoo)
Relax - breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth
Read all ingrediants from bought shampoo bottle, paying particular attention to pronunciation
Release load
Rinse and repeat if necessary

FesterBeatty

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

coffee and orange juice is garaunteed to have your ass like kakatoa

I'll have underpants like a japanese flag after that

easyeason3

Eat anything with chilli in it.

As Johnny Cash sang 'Ring of Fire'...

G_R

questionmark? wrote: »

My thoughts exactly.

of course it is

Zombienosh

i see this

partyatmygaff

Quick! Someone page Dr.Flutt!

mahamageehad

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkaD2S8KJIA

Two whole pages and no-one has posted this?? I am quickly losing respect for this forum!

WallyGUFC

Eat 5 pears. Or alternatively down 2 cans of Bulmers pear.

FlutterinBantam

partyatmygaff wrote: »

Quick! Someone page Dr.Flutt!

Move on folks, the Doctor is here.

If I were the OP, first thing I would do is inspect my shreddies for any evidence of witch's kiss, cabbage brown tracery, or brown butterfly impressions.

If no evidence I would divest the kecks squat over the shaving mirror, and put a 'heave on'. You can get a friend or check yourself to see if there is any evidence of 'crowning' and if the nipsy drawstring expands reasonably.

If no evidence of 'crowning' I would not fly, as evacuating a recalcitrant stubborn 'Wicklow Log' at altitude and in a pressurised environment can be problematic and at best uncomfortable.


I'd suggest a good beaker of fresh orange juice, short walk, and she should be to be good for piping out in an hour and a half.
I'd be even surprised if she wasn't is the 'crop duster' capacity after that regime.





Partyatmygaff has been charged for a callout €40.00

Stick a hoover up your hole.

Goldenegg

Deleted User wrote: »

Stick a hoover up your hole.

It all depends tho if the Hoover has good suction power...judging by how big the op is telling us it is...I'd recommend an industrial one.... :-)

DrumSteve

Ah christ readin this thread has reminded me I need to take a dump

phill106

I'd avoid flying myself, too much chance of collateral damage. Have you instead considered boarding an airplane and traveling that way?

FesterBeatty

Folks,

After 2 hours intensive labour i gave birth to a 2lb 1oz 8 inch long brown baby turd. We're so happy, no little fingers and no little toes..hes perfect.

Thank you all for your support.

Now to give him a golden baby shower!

vampire of kilmainham

stop talking crap:D:D:D

Outkast_IRE

FesterBeatty wrote: »

Folks,

After 2 hours intensive labour i gave birth to a 2lb 1oz 8 inch long brown baby turd. We're so happy, no little fingers and no little toes..hes perfect.

Thank you all for your support.

Now to give him a golden baby shower!

everyone knows turds are measured in Kurichs
A Kurich is 2.578 pounds, or 1.169 kilogram
http://europeanfecalstandardsandmeasurement.blogspot.com/

admiralofthefleet

FesterBeatty wrote: »

Folks,

After 2 hours intensive labour i gave birth to a 2lb 1oz 8 inch long brown baby turd. We're so happy, no little fingers and no little toes..hes perfect.

Thank you all for your support.

Now to give him a golden baby shower!

how is the little lawn monkey doing? were you in arse labour for long

Saila

flutt must be wetting ****ting himself with this thread

vampire of kilmainham

mill into a big curry and a few cans of beer and you'll be ready to pebble dash the can fairley quick bring a can of airfreshner in with you to solve the peggy dell if all that fails use the finger in your ass technique wiggle it about till you fell the top of the turd remove finger then sqeeze hard and release:eek::eek::eek:

questionmark?

dannym08 wrote: »

of course it is

Ya ur point is?

Deleted User wrote: »

Stick a hoover up your hole.

You should be a doctor!

vampire of kilmainham

FesterBeatty wrote: »

Folks,

After 2 hours intensive labour i gave birth to a 2lb 1oz 8 inch long brown baby turd. We're so happy, no little fingers and no little toes..hes perfect.

Thank you all for your support.

Now to give him a golden baby shower!

ahhhh i can fell the the relief of tension from my ass from reading this story i think there mite be a turd forming :D:D:eek::eek::eek:

FesterBeatty

I was in bum labour for about 2 hours. I was actually in tesco when my brown waters broke. Thankfully the polish security guard knew exactly what to do and ran straight to aisle 4 to get bog roll and air freshner. He then made sure i got a police escort home where i gave birth to the little cosby without any drugs - pure natural birth for my little fella.

Both mammy and baby are doing well. Im keeping him hydrated by spraying piss on him every 4 hours to prevent dryness and cracking of the skin.

cullend2

FesterBeatty wrote: »

Folks,

After 2 hours intensive labour i gave birth to a 2lb 1oz 8 inch long brown baby turd. We're so happy, no little fingers and no little toes..hes perfect.

Thank you all for your support.

Now to give him a golden baby shower!

"I shall call it....Bono"

Alter-Ego

Bottle of Bucky and a fag, my friend, and the browns will be on their way to the super-bowl.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Was it ever safe to fly??? :eek:

Captain_Generic

As long as its not the runs, otherwise you'll have to deal with the liquid allowance and shit in their bottle disposal bin

WallyGUFC

vampire of kilmainham wrote: »

mill into a big curry and a few cans of beer and you'll be ready to pebble dash the can fairley quick bring a can of airfreshner in with you to solve the peggy dell if all that fails use the finger in your ass technique wiggle it about till you fell the top of the turd remove finger then sqeeze hard and release:eek::eek::eek:

Jesus Christ, please tell me you've never actually stuck your finger up your pipe to reach the tripe?

Mr Benevolent

Ah, it's ScutteringBantam under a new pseudonym.

WallyGUFC

Confab wrote: »

Ah, it's ScutteringBantam under a new pseudonym.

Every post I've ever saw from him was something diarrhoea related.

Mr Benevolent

WallyGUFC wrote: »

Every post I've ever saw from him was something diarrhoea related.

Or trolling related. The ignore list is the safest place for people like him.