First Date Etiquette; When 'The Bill' comes

enol

I can't believe there isn't already a thread on this so here goes:
Whats the general consensus on the guy paying for a meal on a FIRST date? If the guy initiates the date and picks the location, should he pick up the tab when the bill comes? If you offered to pay your share and it was accepted without hesitation, would you find it unimpressive?
Both the man & woman are 30-ish and in full time employment and only met once before the date.
I'd love to get the opinions from other Irish women on the dating scene, thanks.

Am I the only one who immediately thought this thread was going to be about what you should do if your first date gets arrested?

I don't understand why a woman would be unimpressed if the man accepted the suggestion she put forward about paying the bill. I mean paying their share.

thebiggestjim

Guy should pay for the first date, no matter who did the asking out. For the record I am a guy.

Silverfish

I presume this was posted in tLL specifically to hear from the ladies, if anyone wants to start another general thread in Humanities or TGC

The last thread we had on this nearly ended up in the Ranting and Raving forum, with no replies from ladies but plenty of posts from men who've been stung and assume we're all the same!


In my opinion, I always offer to go halves on a first date. Especially so if there isn't going to be a second date. If he's picked up the bill, and there will be a second date, I'll get that one.

However, if he has asked me out, and he's picked the venue, it's not fair to assume I will automatically be able to afford half the bill if he's picked somewhere expensive.

Likewise, if I do the asking out, I'll expect to foot the bill fully.

cantdecide

thebiggestjim wrote: »

Guy should pay for the first date, no matter who did the asking out. For the record I am a guy.

+1

I don't think it's appropriate to split the bill for a first date. It's a bit unromantic. I don't think a woman should pick up the whole tab the first time round. It's not errrr.... chivalrous, IMO. That means it's the blokes responsibility.

If there's a post dinner drinkie, that's up for negotiation.

Cecil Mor

As a guy I'd make the effort of paying but if she insisted on doing dutch, I'd naturally let her:D

Fluorescence

Whoever sets up the first date pays for it (or at least offers to pay).

Always look to split half

squeakyduck

bluewolf wrote: »

Always look to split half

+1

The_Morrigan

If the woman offers then she should be prepared to have that offer accepted, especially considering the economic hardship most are experiencing now.

I personally don't expect anyone to pay for me anywhere and I will always offer if it is not accepted, I'll be first at the bar for the round of drinks etc.

themadchef

thebiggestjim wrote: »

Guy should pay for the first date, no matter who did the asking out. For the record I am a guy.

Split it, 2 professional people, not teenagers, no need to impress anyone. Be adults. Get all down with your chivalrous self if she goes on the second \ third date. Not the first.

I would run a mile tbh.

panda100

On the last few dates I've gone on the guy has sneakily gone off and paid the bill without me noticing!I would always insist in paying for the drinks afterwards then.

liliq

Silverfish wrote: »

In my opinion, I always offer to go halves on a first date. Especially so if there isn't going to be a second date. If he's picked up the bill, and there will be a second date, I'll get that one.

However, if he has asked me out, and he's picked the venue, it's not fair to assume I will automatically be able to afford half the bill if he's picked somewhere expensive.

Likewise, if I do the asking out, I'll expect to foot the bill fully.

+1 on this...

newbee22

For the first date, the guy should pay, after that it should be split!

Kya1976

I always make sure to pay my share. Wouldn't want it any other way:)

jokettle

I'd definitely pay my share; if he insisted on paying the whole bill then I'd buy the drinks (assuming there's a pub afterwards!), or I'd pay for the next one.

Ickle Magoo

I always insist on splitting the bill on a first date - I don't like feeling like I'm indebted to someone that I may not wish to see again or if I want to go home immediately after the meal. If things are a bit further along and there looks like being potential then I'm happy to take turns or him pay for a mean, me drinks/cinema/whatever...

Chinafoot

I'm a 50/50 type of girl when it comes to this stuff, no matter if its the 1st, 5th or 10th date. If paying my half isn't possible on one occasion (due to being skint) then I will definitely get the next one.

MIN2511

First date = dinner = he pays
First date = drinks -> first drink = he pays and then alternate rounds

Second date = dinner = I pay
Second date = drinks AGAIN = alternate rounds


And if we halve dinner on the first date, I'm sorry but NO to a second date

I'm old school


Oh i should add; i wouldn't just sit there i'll offer to pay...

enol

Thanks for all the replies, very welcome and appreciated from everyone! There is so much on this if googled but not much from Irish daters, until now:) Thanks

Faith

See, these kinds of threads are pointless because the only people who will generally post are those who are saying the "correct thing". There's hundreds of women who'll read this who would fully expect the man to pay, but they won't post because they'll get pulled over hot coals about it. So in the end, you get a completely skewed result. Same thing happened on the recent binge drinking thread and dozens of others. So, OP, don't assume the responses you get here are reflective of the general population .

krudler

MIN2511 wrote: »

First date = dinner = he pays
First date = drinks -> first drink = he pays and then alternate rounds

Second date = dinner = I pay
Second date = drinks AGAIN = alternate rounds


And if we halve dinner on the first date, I'm sorry but NO to a second date

I'm old school

What if you ask a guy out? does he still pay?

maglite

Man initates the pay on the first date.

I would hope the girl at least offers.
There is the polite "I'll get this",, if she asks again we go dutch

If there is no offer of dutch on 1st or Second. I'm not that interested in a 3rd,

cantdecide

Faith wrote: »

See, these kinds of threads are pointless because the only people who will generally post are those who are saying the "correct thing". There's hundreds of women who'll read this who would fully expect the man to pay, but they won't post because they'll get pulled over hot coals about it. So in the end, you get a completely skewed result. Same thing happened on the recent binge drinking thread and dozens of others. So, OP, don't assume the responses you get here are reflective of the general population .

What about a poll? There aren't infinite options to this one. I think that would be actually useful.

montane

I know of one attractive girl who goes out on a Saturday night. She lets men buy her drinks for most of the night, and gathers numbers.

Then on two or three nights of the following weeks she organises dates, and gets fed for free in nice restaurants. She doesnt really have much intention of pursuing anything with these men.

Snoopy1

I would never expect for a guy to pay for everything on the first date.
I would always offer to go halves, or do alternate rounds.
Id feel awkward if he paid for everything to be honest

enol

Faith wrote: »

See, these kinds of threads are pointless because the only people who will generally post are those who are saying the "correct thing". There's hundreds of women who'll read this who would fully expect the man to pay, but they won't post because they'll get pulled over hot coals about it. So in the end, you get a completely skewed result. Same thing happened on the recent binge drinking thread and dozens of others. So, OP, don't assume the responses you get here are reflective of the general population .

really? thats a bit of a relief actually, because a lot of the 'correct replies' are in total contradiction to the feedback I've got from friends so far. Most people I have spoken to; men and women, said they'd agree that the guy should shout the first date, then dutch after that.

MissFlitworth

montane wrote: »

I know of one attractive girl who goes out on a Saturday night. She lets men buy her drinks for most of the night, and gathers numbers.

Then on two or three nights of the following weeks she organises dates, and gets fed for free in nice restaurants. She has no intentions of pursuing anything with these men.

Right. So assuming she goes out for dinner with a min of 2 of these guys a week she has to have dinner with over a hundred complete randomers every year. And also waste every single Saturday night out filling her contacts list for her next weeks free dinners. Well doesn't that sound like a little slice of hell. Mayhaps you should organise an intervention for your 'friend' and get her the help she needs to break free from this clearly destructive behaviour?

I have no 'given' as to who pays for the first date. Depends on where we go, who arranges it, whether I have the money to be going out for dinner/drinks etc. Prefer to pay my way at all times though.

MIN2511

krudler wrote: »

What if you ask a guy out? does he still pay?

In my life I've asked 2 guys on dates and both had girl friends

So i dunno

montane

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Right. So assuming she goes out for dinner with a min of 2 of these guys a week she has to have dinner with over a hundred complete randomers every year. And also waste every single Saturday night out filling her contacts list for her next weeks free dinners. Well doesn't that sound like a little slice of hell. Mayhaps you should organise an intervention for your 'friend' and get her the help she needs to break free from this clearly destructive behaviour?

I dont think the behaviour has been going on for a year. It's a useful side-effect of someone with too active a social life. It's not my place to intervene in anyones behaviour.

MissFlitworth

montane wrote: »

I dont think the behaviour has been going on for a year. It's a useful side-effect of someone with too active a social life. It's not my place to intervene in anyones behaviour.

Oh, I'm sorry, I think I was being a bit too subtle. What I was getting at is that you're telling complete porky pies about this 'friend'. Funnily enough every single time a thread gets started on boards about women and what they should pay for or expect to have bought for them someone pops up with a similar 'friend'. Dublin is seemingly crawling with these women out Thursday to Saturday scabbing free drinks and Sunday to Wednesday for their free dinners

montane

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Oh, I'm sorry, I think I was being a bit too subtle. What I was getting at is that you're telling complete porky pies about this 'friend'. Funnily enough every single time a thread gets started on boards about women and what they should pay for or expect to have bought for them someone pops up with a similar 'friend'. Dublin is seemingly crawling with these women out Thursday to Saturday scabbing free drinks and Sunday to Wednesday for their free dinners

You are incorrect and basing your assertion on nothing more than a feeling of abhorrence for a type of behaviour a female partakes in. The sole intention may not be for "free dinners", I am not quite sure of the motivation of a 28 year old single female. As for your misleading extrapolation of hundreds of dinners a year, I said this has not being going on for a year and would probably not be sustainable over that time period. As regards trends of comments emerging on threads "about women", I wouldn't know.

Poor Craythur

Whoever asked for the date should pay, male or female.

Seems a bit cheeky of a woman to ask a man out then expect him to pay.

Poor Craythur

montane wrote: »

I know of one attractive girl who goes out on a Saturday night. She lets men buy her drinks for most of the night, and gathers numbers.

Then on two or three nights of the following weeks she organises dates, and gets fed for free in nice restaurants. She doesnt really have much intention of pursuing anything with these men.

Hope she gets fat from all that eating out! :P:D

Women like that never consider that they'll get older and lose their looks. One day she'll wake up, realise she's not attracting the attention she used to and have a rude awakening.

Daisies

I will always offer to pay half/ pay for the wine. If he objects and we go for drinks after, I will get the first round and the do alternate rounds.

Seeing as I'd never have the b*lls to ask a guy out, it would never happen that I would have the other situation

Snoopy1

Id never have the guts to ask a guy out either

we'llallhavetea_old

always offer to pay if i have it tbh. if i don't have at least my share of the price, i wouldn't agree to go on the date tbh. i would suggest a cheaper/free alternative.

krudler

Snoopy1 wrote: »

Id never have the guts to ask a guy out either

why? if you like someone surely its easier to just ask him out than hoping he does it first and wondering? been asked out a few times, its a really nice feeling.

Dudess

A blanket insistence that the man should pay just seems to be based on "because that's the way things are". I've read here some men saying they'd feel emasculated if they didn't pay in full for dinner on the first date too. I love romance and I like chivalry and don't mind a bit of "manly protector" type stuff, but I don't think any of the above are of relevance when it comes to money.
I've always offered to pay half, and not just to pay lip service - it's been genuine. Most guys tend to prefer to pay the full thing though.

Snoopy1

krudler wrote: »

why? if you like someone surely its easier to just ask him out than hoping he does it first and wondering? been asked out a few times, its a really nice feeling.

Totally afraid of rejection

Daisies

krudler wrote: »

why? if you like someone surely its easier to just ask him out than hoping he does it first and wondering? been asked out a few times, its a really nice feeling.

Too true, but it's easier said than done! I know in my case, I am chicken sh!t and just don't have the confidence to do it.

HellFireClub

enol wrote: »

I can't believe there isn't already a thread on this so here goes:
Whats the general consensus on the guy paying for a meal on a FIRST date? If the guy initiates the date and picks the location, should he pick up the tab when the bill comes? If you offered to pay your share and it was accepted without hesitation, would you find it unimpressive?
Both the man & woman are 30-ish and in full time employment and only met once before the date.
I'd love to get the opinions from other Irish women on the dating scene, thanks.

You know guys often kind of observe this very situation as a bit of a test to see how a girl might deal with such a situation as it really does say a lot about her character, as it also does for the guy I think, being fair to both genders...

I think a decent genuine guy fully expects to pay for dinner for a date, regardless of who asks who out. This going dutch thing on a first date I think is for muppets who haven't a clue what they are at and I genuinely believe that it is the last refuge of the hungry/miserable scoundrel.

Usuallly a girl will politely offer to pay for half/go Dutch, but any guy who takes up that offer on the basis of it having been automatically extended, I think is pure mean/stingy and to my mind, it demonstrates a fault in the guy by allowing the bill to land on the table to begin with.

By all means if the girl insists on getting you a pint or two after the meal or whatever, that's very considerate and to be accepted I think, it's give and take, but I think any guy worth his salt will have the bill for dinner well settled before this subject comes up for discussion.

Having said all of the above, I wouldn't end up on such a "dinner/meal", date with a girl unless I had been on 1-2 low key dates already and had a fairly consistent positive gut feeling on the whole thing at that stage...

Azureus

I like it when the guy foots the bill for the first date, whether it be cinema/dinner, whatever! The nicest thing is when you go to the bathroom and come back to find the bill all sorted, Im very impressed by that

That said I will always come prepared with the money to pay my way and I will always offer. Obviously I prefer if this offer isnt take up but I only agree to go on dates with guys I am definately interested in so I wouldnt see it as taking advantage. If im not sure, I would suggest pool and drinks or something to that effect where we would pay our own way/do rounds.

If I asked the guy, I would fully expect to pay, but again would find it impressive if he took care of the bill. When Im with a guy its all 50/50 but theres something about a guy refusing to pay for a girl on the first date that suggests more (personal circumstances/jobs etc taken into consideration obviously). He wont splash out once on a first date, does that mean hes not interested enough? Doesn't think im worth it? If hes not old school enough for that, would he mind occasionally helping me with my bags or opening doors for me? I like old school manners so does it suggest that he doesnt have that...

Maybe I just think too much

Count Duckula

I'm a guy and this is tLL so feel free to ignore this opinion!

On a first date I would always offer to pay, and be prepared to, because I know that for a lot of people (both men and women) that gesture has a lot of importance attached to it and I wouldn't want to offend my date partner.

However, I must admit, if a girl didn't at least suggest she pay her half, I'd be a little unimpressed. Dancing around for the sake of it, perhaps, but even I do end up paying for the lot I'd like to know that she was willing to pay her half. In a way it makes it more romantic, because you're doing something above and beyond what she would expect, rather than paying for the meal simply because you're a bloke and it's therefore "the done thing".

First date I went on with my current girlfriend we had drinks in Hyde Park. Hers was much more expensive than mine and she offered to pay for it, but I wouldn't let her. That's fine, in my opinion. She would have paid for it if I'd let her without complaining, but I was able to make a nice gesture, rather than having it simply assumed that I would pay with no real thanks.

I guess my point is that a lot of guys do want to pay for the first meal / drinks, but at the same time a woman shouldn't simply expect them to. If the girl assumes that the boy will buy everything then it takes away from the romantic part of the gesture itself, and simply makes her look a little bit like a freeloader.

G86

If the guy paid for dinner then I'd make sure I sort out the drinks, and vice versa. I've dated guys before where they always insisted on paying, and once or twice is fine, but when it became a regular thing it just made me feel uncomfortable to be honest.

Nervous Wreck

I reckon these sortsa things would always run a lot smoother if people would just chill the fcuk out and stop worrying so much about the 'etiquette' behind this whole thing. The whole he paid/she paid thing, when viewed as it is in this thread is nothing more than petty oneupmanship, whether it be from the man ("I'm paying cos I'm a man, grrr!" or the opposite "She should help pay cos I'm not a chump!") or the woman ("I'm paying cos I'm not one of those women, grrr!" or the opposite "He should pay cos it's the gentlemanly thing to do."). It's bullshít. I'm all for being generous and for appreciating generosity but jesus, people would be so much better off if they weren't so quick to judge others on their own take on the clash between a long-standing social convention and a newer, more egalitarian view. It's just money and it's just a bita food. Go out and enjoy your dates for what they are. Cos if you continue to place such importance on such trivial details like who insisted more, you're gonna end up having to go on a lot of crap first dates.

krudler

Snoopy1 wrote: »

Totally afraid of rejection

Welcome to a mans world when it comes to asking women out

krudler

First date= bring her to your place and cook her dinner. Problem solved

Poor Craythur

krudler wrote: »

First date= bring her to your place and cook her dinner. Problem solved

I actually really like this idea. Plus if it goes will, no delay in having the shex. But first date sex is a whoooolle other issue.

krudler

Poor Craythur wrote: »

I actually really like this idea. Plus if it goes will, no delay in having the shex. But first date sex is a whoooolle other issue.

Thinking about it I've only ever gone to dinner on a first date once, first dates are usually meeting for a quiet drink or going somewhere for an afternoon for me, dinner usually comes after meeting a couple of times so I guess you know at that stage someone isnt just after a free dinner. Cooking at home is much more fun anyway, you can have everything ready when she calls over or if she's there beforehand you can yack away in the kitchen as you're finishing getting stuff ready, plus pulling desserts you already made out of the freezer always impresses :cool:

ibarelycare

This is why I would NEVER go for dinner on a first date. I get embarrassed and awkward about the whole money thing. I prefer going for drinks and then buying alternate rounds. If it's cinema, one person can buy tickets, the other person can buy munchies.

And for the first few weeks with a new person, if we did go for dinner, I'd definitely insist on splitting the bill. The only way I'd accept him paying the full bill is if it was my birthday or something. When I'm with someone a while then I don't mind doing the whole "You get this one, I'll get the next one" thing.