The age gap; how big can it be?

We have a thread for this in TLL, but I thought it'd be interesting to get more male opinions.
How important is the age difference between partners? How big a gap is 'too big'?
I know there's the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. But honestly I think that's silly. In fact when I consider it, it marks people 10 years or less apart as 'unsuitable' =/
As far as I'm concerned, as long as both parties know what they're getting into and are legal, age shouldn't be a factor in their relationship. True, there's the problem of having grown up in different eras, but to me that isn't any more of a problem than people from different cultures trying to forge a relationship. It's all surmountable if you put the effort in.

PK2008

As long as its legal its up to the 2 people to judge

steve9859

It isnt the age gap which matters, more the point in your life. You can be 35 and go out with a 22 year old, and that will probably work fine is she is working, and has a professional kind of outlook and a good mix of friends of different ages from home, school and work. But going out with a 22 year old student, with only other 22 year old student friends, probably wouldnt work.

I think a big age gap is perfectly socially acceptable in a cosmopolitan city like London or New York. No-one would bat an eyelid at a 40 year old marrying a 25 year old. But Dublin is very backward in many ways, and I think you would get a lot of slagging here from small minded people

cantdecide

As long as you're in the same place, it shouldn't matter. In other words, it's totally subjective.

My sister who is 30 was half seeing someone in his late forties for a bit. I told her that can't see how they can both be in the same place. She eventually drew the same conclusion.

Men are lucky in that it is not uncommon for a man to see a much younger woman. I think there are raised eyebrows when it goes the other way...

Ebbs

steve9859 wrote: »

It isnt the age gap which matters, more the point in your life. You can be 35 and go out with a 22 year old, and that will probably work fine is she is working, and has a professional kind of outlook and a good mix of friends of different ages from home, school and work. But going out with a 22 year old student, with only other 22 year old student friends, probably wouldnt work.

I think a big age gap is perfectly socially acceptable in a cosmopolitan city like London or New York. No-one would bat an eyelid at a 40 year old marrying a 25 year old. But Dublin is very backward in many ways, and I think you would get a lot of slagging here from small minded people

Once legal its personal preference imo, or atleat to a degree. I do think a 18 yo with a 40+ year old is a tad bit odd but not my place to judge really.

Personally I rather people around (1 or 2 years either side) my age due to generally being at the same stage of life and having to make the same decisions et el.

steve9859

cantdecide wrote: »

As long as you're in the same place, it shouldn't matter. In other words, it's totally subjective.

My sister who is 30 was half seeing someone in his late forties for a bit. I told her that can't see how they can both be in the same place. She eventually drew the same conclusion.

Men are lucky in that it is not uncommon for a man to see a much younger woman. I think there are raised eyebrows when it goes the other way...

late 40s is a bit old as they are in a different place, you are right. But there is a very good chance that a man of 37 or 38 is at a very similar stage in life as a woman of 27 or 28 in that they might well be wanting to start a family.

I think an age gap like that probably has a pretty good chance of working

PCPhoto

the older a person gets the less the age difference matters.

the half your age plus 7 "rule" is generally adopted by people in their mid 20's and early 30's .... and its a rule which can and is ...on occasion ....broken.

like others have said.... its not about the ages...its about the "point in life" ...or being in the "same place" .... if two consenting adults share common interests and outlooks in life ... why not go for it... what do you have to loose?

parker kent

Surely there are no people that actually take the 'half your age plus 7' rule seriously?

liah

It's entirely dependent on the maturity of the individuals involved.

Count Duckula

The half your age plus seven thing is indeed flawed, but it's a good piece of guidance. People take it too literally - age is just a number, of course. But people growing up in different eras will have different opinions, tastes, problems. You can be so similar to a person but if she grew up in the eighties and you in the nineties then your taste in music, fashion, films and TV will be totally different owing to the differences in what you were exposed to as children.

The age thing is not a hard and fast rule, and there are of course relationships that "break" it and work, but largely it's a good guide to not ending up in a relationship with someone in a totally different stage of life to you. That's not to say that everyone with an age gap will be in a different stage of life (or, indeed, that people of the same age will be in the same stage of life, either), but it does give a good general overview. If you ignore it and try and date people much older / younger than you then you'll have to sift through a lot of unsuitable people just to end up with someone remotely compatible - whereas if you'd stuck with people of a similar age to you then you'd have a much better chance of finding someone you match.

mood

steve9859 wrote: »

late 40s is a bit old as they are in a different place, you are right. But there is a very good chance that a man of 37 or 38 is at a very similar stage in life as a woman of 27 or 28 in that they might well be wanting to start a family.

I think an age gap like that probably has a pretty good chance of working

I don't agree. I'm female and didn't have anything in common with men in their 40s when I was that age and I'm mature for my age!

I went out with a guy five years younger once and on reflection would never do it again. He wasn't mature enough. I would go five years older but in general older than that and there is very little in common etc.

Bottle_of_Smoke

To be honest I find the half your age +7 has always seemed broadly speaking appropriate for me.

25/2 +7 = 19.5 - seems about right, I'd definitely give age some thoguht if a girl was 19/20, same with a 21/22 year old. 23+ wouldn't give it a second thought

Though it is still a guideline, if I met an amazing 18 year old I wouldn't rule her out over age.

The other way I really don't think I'd consider a girl over 28/29 for anything other than a ONS/casual relationship

Otis Driftwood

mood wrote: »

I don't agree. I'm female and didn't have anything in common with men in their 40s when I was that age and I'm mature for my age!

I went out with a guy five years younger once and on reflection would never do it again. He wasn't mature enough. I would go five years older but in general older than that and there is very little in common etc.

Yep.

I was seeing a 22 year old girl last year (Im 31) and while we got on to a certain degree our outlook and stage of life were very much out of whack so I just ended it.She turned out to be quite mad too.Id be home in bed and get these random texts at all hours telling me I was using her and the next day she would ring and be all apologetic,ehhh no thanks.

A friend of mine (same age) has been dating a now 23 year old for about a year and a half and he goes through the exact same thing with her.For example,himself,myself and another girl we know had organised to meet up for dinner and drinks (we live in different parts of the country so this happens at most 4 times a year) and she literally started crying because he was going out with us for a night.IME Ive found younger ie under 25 year olds to be incredibly insecure.There are of course exceptions but from those Ive encountered thus far they are in the minority.

cantdecide

I'm 29 and my magic number is 23. Any less and my guard is up.

Dravokivich

hmmm... being the eldest of 5 with a 9 year range... I always tend to think going with someone around the age range of some of my younger siblings would be weird...

so I'd be looking more so at most.... 4 years younger then me...

steve9859

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

Yep.

I was seeing a 22 year old girl last year (Im 31) and while we got on to a certain degree our outlook and stage of life were very much out of whack so I just ended it.She turned out to be quite mad too.Id be home in bed and get these random texts at all hours telling me I was using her and the next day she would ring and be all apologetic,ehhh no thanks.

A friend of mine (same age) has been dating a now 23 year old for about a year and a half and he goes through the exact same thing with her.For example,himself,myself and another girl we know had organised to meet up for dinner and drinks (we live in different parts of the country so this happens at most 4 times a year) and she literally started crying because he was going out with us for a night.IME Ive found younger ie under 25 year olds to be incredibly insecure.There are of course exceptions but from those Ive encountered thus far they are in the minority.

That happens with Irish 30 year olds as well, I promise! I think its an Ireland thing. Girls here seem so much more insecure and behave younger than London and New York girls (the two other cities I have lived for a prolonged period).

I know early 20 somethings in New York and London who are happily married to late 30 somethings, no-one bats an eyelid, and they are very happy. It is completely socially acceptable.

Over here, the 20 something girl would probably be as you describe (immature and insecure, probably because she is still living her sheltered life with her parents).

And in the traditional completely un-cosmopolitan Ireland, society does not accept an age gap. The guy would just get disapproving comments from friends and family, and the girl would get "what are you doing?" comments. We just dont get it over here that as long as you get on, it doesnt bleedin' matter!! I know 22 year old girls who are more mature than neurotioc 30 something girls!

bergkamp10

Age gap? You're only as old as (the women) you're feeling

Otis Driftwood

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

Yep.

I was seeing a 22 year old girl last year (Im 31) and while we got on to a certain degree our outlook and stage of life were very much out of whack so I just ended it.She turned out to be quite mad too.Id be home in bed and get these random texts at all hours telling me I was using her and the next day she would ring and be all apologetic,ehhh no thanks.

A friend of mine (same age) has been dating a now 23 year old for about a year and a half and he goes through the exact same thing with her.For example,himself,myself and another girl we know had organised to meet up for dinner and drinks (we live in different parts of the country so this happens at most 4 times a year) and she literally started crying because he was going out with us for a night.IME Ive found younger ie under 25 year olds to be incredibly insecure.There are of course exceptions but from those Ive encountered thus far they are in the minority.

Things like this make me glad that I hardly ever hang out with girls in my own age group. That's just embarassing.
Honestly, Irish girls (this is a generalisation of course) just don't seem to know how to be in a relationship. People need SPACE. Things don't have to intense all the time. I seem to be the only one in my circle of female friends that doesn't care if a guy calls - I actually feel fine just being on my own!

brian93

I'm 18, my partner is 53. Doesn't make any difference to us, so it shouldn't to anyone else. ....if you want to get cheesy about it, age is just a number

bergkamp10

If you're happy, and your partner is happy, good for you, both!

Metallitroll

strictly 3yrs either side of my own, max. have to choose my words wisely cos if i were to say the smaller the gap the better, you'd probably get the wrong idea

nicowa

Count Duckula wrote: »

The half your age plus seven thing is indeed flawed, but it's a good piece of guidance. People take it too literally - age is just a number, of course. But people growing up in different eras will have different opinions, tastes, problems. You can be so similar to a person but if she grew up in the eighties and you in the nineties then your taste in music, fashion, films and TV will be totally different owing to the differences in what you were exposed to as children.

The age thing is not a hard and fast rule, and there are of course relationships that "break" it and work, but largely it's a good guide to not ending up in a relationship with someone in a totally different stage of life to you. That's not to say that everyone with an age gap will be in a different stage of life (or, indeed, that people of the same age will be in the same stage of life, either), but it does give a good general overview. If you ignore it and try and date people much older / younger than you then you'll have to sift through a lot of unsuitable people just to end up with someone remotely compatible - whereas if you'd stuck with people of a similar age to you then you'd have a much better chance of finding someone you match.

All through college the guys I knew or met out at night - who aren't gay or involved - are the kind who don't want to be involved in a relationship. Or is that just me?

I met a guy who was kind, sweet, sarcastic, funny and slightly evil (in terms of his sense of humour) who just completly gets me. We share a lot of interests in terms of film and books (espicially books as that was how we met). We met last year, I'm 25 and he's 41. We're getting married in April next year.

I would say age is just a number too. But it's also a frame of mind. He's a young personality, I'm a mature enough person. I think we kind of meet in the middle in terms of mental age. At the same time we're in completle different periods of life - he's divorced with 3 kids, I'm finishing up a Masters. There are differences we have to work through, culture/religion as well as the income gap (of which I have none and it makes me uncomfortable having him pay for everything when we go out). But if you understand each other then it's easier.

bergkamp10 wrote: »

Age gap? You're only as old as (the women) you're feeling

I tell himself that everyday!

Pherekydes

I've had GFs aged 17 and 51, so the range is fairly wide for me.

Vicxas

im 24 and going out with a 20 year old. I thought it might be a bit weird but its actually not.

I think the older the 2 get the less it matters

I have never really understood the importance of the issue of age. There are a lot of things I look for in a girl and age is right down the bottom end of the list and I have seen little reason to elevate it higher.

When I meet someone I judge the package. The person, the looks, the level they interest me, the level they affect me, whether their hopes, dreams and desires for the future are in line with mine and much more. If a girl ticks all the boxes then that’s a girl for me, regardless of whether she is 17, 37 or 57.

The girls I am going out with at present are 30 and 24 while I myself am 32. Nothing about them every brings home the age difference between me and them, or between each of them.

However where age will become an issue is in the line I wrote above of “whether their hopes, dreams and desires for the future are in line with mine”. Clearly if your hopes for the future include child rearing and watching that child grow up together, then a 20 year old going with a 50 year old may not be the best choice.

So as other users said it is subjective. Age only becomes important when it somehow increases the risks of precluding some aspect of what it is you are actually looking for in a relationship in the first place. Whether to take that risk regardless is of course up to the people involved, but an awareness of those risks is healthy.

Emme

Deleted User wrote: »

The girls I am going out with at present are 30 and 24 while I myself am 32. Nothing about them every brings home the age difference between me and them, or between each of them.

Age difference is people's own business once they have a similar level of maturity but do the 30 and 24 year olds know about each other? Is it fair to date two girls at the same time without them knowing about each other? I don't think so. You've brought up a totally different issue here.

tallaghtmick

to quote quagmire

"high school girls are great the older i get they stay the same age giggity giggity"

Emme

Emme wrote: »

You've brought up a totally different issue here.

No I havent. I am writing about the issue in the OP, about people going out with people of different ages. I am mentioning, as nothing more than a personal anecdote that the girls I am with (yes we live together, its all above board) are of different ages but age is the last thing on the list of things that distinguish them apart.

Essentially what I am saying is that everyone knows themselves what they want from a relationship and partner(s). That list of criteria is different from person to person. Whether age is important or not is therefore down to how much it is likely to affect that list of criteria. There is therefore no generalised rule possible on the subject... which is why it is so oft argued about. When there are no right answers, people are all too happy to claim there is.

To anyone considering a relationship with someone of a vastly different age my advice would simply be: Ask yourself what you want from a relationship first. Ask yourself how likely the risk is that the age gap will negatively affect those hopes and desires second. Then finally ask yourself if those risks are ones you are willing to take. When those three answers are available to you, you will know what you want to do. It is up to the other person to ask them too.

Penn

I (24 at the time) had been getting kind of close to a 37 year old girl a few months back. I pulled away before anything happened though. It's not the age that worried me, moreso my own maturity and where I was in my life. Age isn't a big deal though. If you're both adults, you both know whether or not to go for it.

Colonel_McCoy

Divide her age by 2 and 7..........

Jax Teller

tallaghtmick wrote: »

to quote quagmire

"high school girls are great the older i get they stay the same age giggity giggity"

That's a robbed quote out of dazed & confused

~ That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older and they stay the same age.~ David Wooderson

population

Well I am 33 and the missus is 39. Been together for 8 years. Most of my mates have girlfriends in their early to mid 20's and they seem to have to put up with a lot more hassle than I do. One keeps getting dragged out to nightclubs every 2nd night of the week and at 35 he is starting to lament some of his decisions. Told me all he craves is a quiet pint once in a while but she won't hear of it so he has to play the game to keep things in check. Personally I would not be able to hack it.

K-9

There's a 20 year gap between my sister and Brother In Law. It works for them, probably the happiest couple I know.

She'd have been about 24 and he'd have been 44 or so when they started going out. He'd be very young at heart and she'd be older than her age so worked for them.

I suppose as they get older it will become more of an issue, health wise and all that, but if it's meant to be.

Princess Peach

Totally depends on the people! I'm 23 and seeing a guy who is 31, but I think out maturity and interest levels are of the same, like we both still play video games and do all that fun stuff. I think the most important thing in an age gap is that you both want the same thing from the relationship. I'm not looking to settle down at any stage yet, just want some fun really. Some people in their 30s will be looking for something more serious.

But I did watch a tv show about people who have massive age gaps in their relationships and it did feel a bit wrong to me! The 17 year old girl who married the 63 year old man, and when they showed the 30 year old man showering with his 72 year old girlfriend. I know they are all in love, but it did seem wrong to me :pac:

Zaph

steve9859 wrote: »

I think a big age gap is perfectly socially acceptable in a cosmopolitan city like London or New York. No-one would bat an eyelid at a 40 year old marrying a 25 year old. But Dublin is very backward in many ways, and I think you would get a lot of slagging here from small minded people

steve9859 wrote: »

And in the traditional completely un-cosmopolitan Ireland, society does not accept an age gap. The guy would just get disapproving comments from friends and family, and the girl would get "what are you doing?" comments. We just dont get it over here that as long as you get on, it doesnt bleedin' matter!!

Really? I'd be interested to know what you're basing your assumptions on. I'm 43 and my fiancée is 25, and speaking from personal experience I can tell you that bar the odd jokey lucky b*st*rd comment neither of us have been on the end of any of this slagging you mention. My friends and family are far from disapproving of the relationship and would agree that meeting my fiancée is the best thing that ever happened to me. Similarly on her side the way her friends and family have welcomed me into the fold completely dispels any suggestion that they don't approve. Like most normal people they just want the people in their lives to be happy, and they can see that we are so that's good enough for them.

The impression I get from your posts is that you have lived away from Ireland at some stage and seem to now regard it as a quiet little backwater. That may have been the case once, but Dublin now is far more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for and people have a lot more to be worrying about than whether the age gap between two people is too big.

Kaneda_

Im 24 , Gf is 19, not that big a difference really.

At first i thought the age gap was to big,but as time went on i just forgot thinking about it.I think people worry more about 'what people think' when it comes to large age gaps , family especially.

hardy_buck

half your age +7, so if your 20 thats 10+7, 17.. 60=37 etc. its the safest bet around. you have to be 16 or older though

mood

hardy_buck wrote: »

half your age +7, so if your 20 thats 10+7, 17.. 60=37 etc. its the safest bet around. you have to be 16 or older though

Female in early 30s here. There is no way i would consider going out with a man in his late 50s or in his early 20s. I want to meet someone my close to my own age as i definately get on better with guy in my own age group and feel I couldn't have a long term relationship with someone a lot older or younger.

mood

hardy_buck wrote: »

half your age +7, so if your 20 thats 10+7, 17.. 60=37 etc. its the safest bet around. you have to be 16 or older though

Legal age of consent is 17 not 16 as far as I know.

Otis Driftwood

Half your age plus 7 means a 22/23 old for me.Been there,done that and it did not work.Thats not to say I wouldnt consider it again but Id be very scepticle about it.

mood

That would be early 20s for me = a child in my eyes.

It would mean a man in his late 50s should consider me ideal!
Newsflash but most young women are not looking for a man old
enough to be her father and I am sure most young men don't want
someone old enough to be their mother either.

Obviously I think the who half your age plus seven is total bull.

magneticimpulse

Just found out a guy lied to me about his age...there is now a 10 year age gap ;( I thought it was bad enough that he was 4 years older then me...but 10...I dont think I can accept it at all. He didnt think it was so bad because he "feels 30"...but problem is i "feel 20"....It's a shame as he doesnt look that old, and he seems alright (but numbering in other factors which were not great to begin with....this just is the final reason not to go out with him).

I wasted my 20's dating guys over 30 (who would have been still older then what i am currently now...as in they were 32 when I was 22 and im not even 32 yet). If I could turn back time, I would never have gone out with someone with such an age gap. I really did throw my 20's away. I should have been dating other 22 year olds etc. Now that im finally in my 30's (well just entered my 30's), I dont want to waste them dating 35+ year olds. Im just not on the same page in life etc. Especially when my parents are only 50...its way too close to my parents age. I know age is just a number...but Im not even at the same stage in life relationship wise as alot of 25 year olds.

If this guy lied about his age to get a 30 year old...maybe i should pretend to be 24??? I dont think its a good thing to lie about age being honest. Im just fed up meeting guys so much older....what happened to dating someone who was born in 1980?? Surely im not the only person who was born in 1980...where are all these men gone to?

I just would feel more relaxed dating a guy 4 years younger then me....I even think 2 years older is too old for me. I want to be able to spend a few years getting to know someone, travel the world, before even considering marriage and children. If I went out with a 40 year old, I would feel pressure, because we would have to take time to date, etc before having a family and by that stage they would be about 45 starting a family (i wouldnt be interested in having children before im 35). That to me is just too old...they would be 63 by the time the kid was having its 18th birthday....and young adults still need parents at that stage. I suppose since I had such young parents, I really enjoy having them around now that im 30 and that (touch wood) they can have time to enjoy their grandchildren. If I dated someone who is 10 years older then me...it would just throw my life off its course. I would feel robbed of my 30's...just like I feel robbed of some of my 20's.

lazygal

I'm 29, my fiance is 36 and will be 37 when we marry. I wanted to settle down and have a family, and stopped dating guys around my age because they didn't want what I want. It works for us, and it was a bigger issue than it should have been for me when we first got together. He's always said he wishes he'd settled down a bit sooner, but life doesn't always happen the way you plan.

Lots of my friends would love to get married and have a family, but are with partners their age for 10+ years and the guys seem to be getting claustrophobic and don't want the committment of marriage. I'm rather be with someone who wants what I want from life, regardless of age.