'Dumping' friends

Whispered

Duckbell wrote: »

When I said she's killed me off, it was that I saw that she said I had died to other posters in this forum. She has been meeting up with these people so to her new friends I have died.

God that's shocking, there's cutting someone off and there's cutting someone off. She actually made up a story about you dying and told people? :eek: You should defo contact her.

I'm sure she must know now anyway if she posts on this forum?

Duckbell wrote: »

for me the trust is gone.

This may not be relevant for your situation, so please disregard if you like, but the trust is likely to have gone for your friend too. Had she ever tried to speak to you about how she felt before cutting you out? In my case I tried 3 times to seriously tell her what was going on in my head. At one stage we both ended up crying and hugging, professing how much we love each other etc. So I only gave up on the friendship when I thought that there was nothing more I could do. At that stage the trust was well and truly gone for me too. I know for a fact she is going around saying things such as "I have no idea why she won't talk to me" "I've done nothing" and that she wouldn't trust me again.

I'm just aware that I am coming at this story from the other side and I know how it is to have to end a friendship with someone, then have them react as if I was being unreasonable. There are 2 sides to our story and I was just as hurt by the way she acted during our friendship, as she was by me ending the friendship. Of course she is not telling that part of the story, and only the bit where I unfairly cut her off. We were never as close as you seem to have been though so I can imagine you being upset.

When you care about someone, it's not easy to cut them out and it seems you and your friend cared about each other and circumstances got in the way. Why not contact her and see if you can build back up your friendship. You may both feel a lack of trust now, but surely that can be built back up over time.

Cat Melodeon

Some relationships just don't work out. And some people are very slow to take gentle hints or may be completely oblivious to polite attempts to bring a friendship down a notch or two. Sometimes the only way out is to break it off completely. Especially when the friend you're trying to ease away from is self-obsessed and incapable of seeing beyond her own problems, or has expectations of you that can never be lived up to. I've had these sort of toxic one-way 'friendships'. Unless there's a very deep history it's very difficult to commit to helping someone like that, especially when you have crap of your own to deal with. People who wallow in drama and misery need others to feed their drama and misery. Better and healthier for all concerned to end it and move on with your lives.

Chinafoot

Abi wrote: »

I just found it facinating that rather than talk out a problem with her friend she just started ignoring her texts and calls.

I don't agree with this either. Like I said, I have removed some people from my life but they have always been told why. Its never a big confrontation or anything, more of a "look, this isn't working for me anymore. I can't handle the drama. Best of luck."

Ignoring them, and then being all nicey nice when you bump into them is just fake and immature.

astra2000

I have had friends over the years that I have drifted apart from, for no particular reason, mainly work friends and when one of us changed job or moved away it just dwindled out. But if I met any of them in the street tomo we would have a good old chat.
However there was one episode that really to this days gets on my nerves. When my oldest daughter started school one of her classmates mums actively pursued a friendship with me, she is not from Ireland shes american and didnt know a lot of people. Now I thought she appeared nice and pleasant if a little touchy/feely and precious. I really wasnt drawn to her in the way you can be when you make new friends and to be honest I really didnt feel I had a lot of time to give to meeting her etc, this is something I would never consider with my other friends, so from the beginning the friendship was forced on my behalf, but I hid it well, people would even remark that we were great friends! Anyway one day at school pickup she was cool with me just a hi and walked on by, I didnt take much heed but that continued. I really didnt care but I was puzzled as I knew I hadnt done anything.
From what I can figure our two daughters were not getting along, both are very headstrong imho and she decided my daughter was to blame. Now in the year that has passed her daughter has fallen out on a regular basis with all the other class mates and will only play with kids much younger than she. I think the mum has now cottoned on and she has started been much more friendly to me last few months. I can see she is puzzled about why I only smile and say hello and continue walking or whatever, but I am not going down that line again, maybe if I had really liked her I would.
My advice to anyone would be it is better to have a few good trustworthy friends than loads whom you could never really turn to in times of need.

Chuchoter

At the beginning of this year I dropped a couple of girls who were mean to me and never included me, but at the same time I was really close to one of the girls (even though she was a bit of a cow). Now I'm friends with a new group of people, who are very nice, but a lot less interesting than the original set of girls. I'm not sure if I made the right decision

Loopie

I've never been friend-dumped but I've been the dumper. Friendships aren't immune to the changes that other relationships go through.

You're not happy, friendship is toxic, friend is adding nothing to your life, you don't miss them when you don't see them, you don't want to meet up with them..if it was a boyf/girlf situation, you would break up, so what makes a friendship any different?

I'm not being cold hearted here, but life is far, far too short for wasting time on people who drain you. Some people are suited to be lifelong friends, others not. That's life!

Abi

Chinafoot wrote: »

I don't agree with this either. Like I said, I have removed some people from my life but they have always been told why. Its never a big confrontation or anything, more of a "look, this isn't working for me anymore. I can't handle the drama. Best of luck."

Ignoring them, and then being all nicey nice when you bump into them is just fake and immature.

I completely agree. Theres something disgustingly two-faced about it that makes my skin crawl.

Kanoe

I don't have very many female friends because I think I have more trust issues (or probably more correctly self esteem issues) around them than male friends and recently called it a day on a friendship as I could no longer figure out where it was going. It sounds similar to the situation you described where you were depressed and were unable to let them know (may have been the case but I've contacted her since to see if anything had happened and there doesn't appear to have) I had done something nice for her and we were supposed to meet up but I never heard back, so I took it that she just didn't want to know or that I had done something to offend her and left it at that. (I was also dealing with my own stuff so had run out of ways to give a crap)
I'm pretty sure I'm not on any other fora so it aint me

Cat Melodeon

Abi wrote: »

This has happened to my sister before, she was the dumper. I just found it facinating that rather than talk out a problem with her friend she just started ignoring her texts and calls.

I've been accused of this when in fact I had attempted in a myriad ways to bring it to an end gently. I went so far as to explain that I was feeling pressurised, but she just seemed to ignore what I was saying. I felt I had no choice but to blank her, she wouldn't take a hint. Some people just refuse to see beyond themselves.

SparkyTech

While some friends you might have been close to become aloof/outgrow you, psychically change jobs or move address, change personality disposition etc you'll natrauly grow apart and thats all well and good. Not everyone is going to be lifelong friends and not everyone is going to like you. Some people turn toxic and are draining of your energy and time and others don't like bieng your soundboard. Thats fair enough.

What does annoy me though, is when you are on the receiving end of being dumped as a friend and the person does not offer an explanation as to why. Ive no problem if Ive done something wrong, or if the person on the other side doesn't practiculary gel to me for whatever reason, but to just cut all ties without any explanation is petty and childish, imo. Whats wrong with a 20 min phone call or half hour for coffee just to say ''hey, listen im sorry but for X, Y, Z i don't feel itll work out but i wish you all the best''. You can both learn from the experience and move along amicably.

Had this experience recently with a friend I went for brunch with, had a drink with, and two dvd nights. Great craic and easy to relate to. Between all the communication and meet up's over the last month i thought we had really hit it off as friends, and perhaps potential for something more, however even platonic was happy for him to have entered my life. Low and behold, arranged for cinema on Sunday that Thursday. He txt'd to say that was grand and get back to me bout times. Txt'd times sat eve at 5, confirming all ok, no response. Ring at 230 next day, phone rings out. Come wensday, still no txt/call/facebook back to explain what happened. And when I log in wens evening, ive been blocked and deleted from this persons facebook with no reason why!

Leaving the other person in the loop is unfair and petulant. Be a decent compassionate human being and let the other person down gently. Why does it matter if you never want to see them again anyway?