Unexpected answers to funny jokes

What's green and turns red at the touch of a button?



Pedestrian crossing lights.

cypharius

What did the owl say to the mouse?

Nothing, because owls cannot talk, the owl then ate the mouse because owls are predatory animals.

Sykk

Whats white and if it falls from a tree and lands on you. It could kill you.

A fridge.

NoDice

A man goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tells him "You've got to stop masturbating."

The guy says "What, why?"

The doctor replies "So I can examine you."

Pyr0

What's dark and cloudy?








Dark clouds.

NoDice

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette are on an airplane. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and there was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety.
The captain said to each of the three ladies "You can only take one of your possessions when you parachute out of the plane.".
The blonde says "I will take my watch becau--"
But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.

fakearms123

why did Frank grow up to become a porcelain doll collector?

Because Frank's father molested him and his sister as a child after their mother died in a car crash.

Just made that up there, I'm going to hell!

Thundercats Ho

I can't bear to think about WWII.
My grandfather died in a concentration camp.



























He fell off a watch tower

Sofaspud

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

iamstop

Pyr0 wrote: »

What's dark and cloudy?








Dark clouds.

Brown and sticky?
Brown stick

Pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

Pink and hard?
Pig with a flick knife.

dr.bollocko

A man is stranded on a deserted island, when he comes across what looks like a magic lamp. A genie comes out of the lamp and says to him "I will grant you 3 wishes".

The man responds: "Genies and magic lamps are fictional creations, most commonly found in ancient Arabian folklore, and as such are at odds with a rational understanding of reality. The prolonged isolation on this island, coupled with the extreme temperatures I'm being subjected to, must be causing me to hallucinate."





A man walks into a bar, and upon his entrance, notices a small man in a tuxedo, precisely 12 inches tall, playing the piano. The man says to the barman: "I'm glad to see that you have exercised wise judgement as an equal opportunities employer, and have not shown prejudice against this gifted musician on the basis of his diminutive stature by refusing him work."

ejmaztec

Did you hear the one about the stripper, the priest and the rabbi who walked into a hotel?

They each booked separate single rooms on different floors, and after a comfortable night's sleep, ate an exceptional breakfast and left after paying their bills.

ejmaztec

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?

Yore ma on wash-day

El Guapo!

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?




Because she had no arms.


:pac:

NothingMan

What's brown and sticky?

Sh!t....

PK2008

What do you call a child with no arms and an eye patch?

Names

iamstop

Dean09 wrote: »

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?




Because she had no arms.


:pac:

A: Knock Knock...

B: Who is there?

A: A little girl who can't reach your doorbell.

Johnny_Trotter

How about some Latvian jokes?

Joke:
Three men are in ship. One Latvian, one Russian, one Lithuanian. Lithuanian take out one bottle wodka. Russian kill Lithuanian, then drink wodka. Then Latvian wait until Russian drink self to sleep, then kill. Is end.

Joke:
Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

Joke:
A fishmonger says to a bootblack, "Are there any more potato left?" Bootblack says, "Yes, one. But it has gone bad." The fishmonger says, "I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill." And bootblack says, "I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend."

Joke:
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.

Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?

Joke:
How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree?
Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask.

Joke:
Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.”

Joke:
Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is say, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

NoDice

Why did the chicken cross the road?

There were obstacles surrounding it on three sides and the farmer was slowly nudging the chicken from behind. Thus, due to natural instincts, the chicken crosses the road.

mailforkev

Q: Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

A: Because he's a c*nt

ejmaztec

A big buxom blond, living alone on a desert island, found an unconscious young guy washed up on the beach.

Of course, being a lesbian cannibal, she beat him to death with a lump of wood, cooked him over an open fire, ate him, and made a xylophone out of his bones

yesno1234

Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

It would not be financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

A muslim, christian and jew sit beside each other on a plane

However, it was a short flight and they didn't speak

A blonde and brunette jump off a building. Which hits the ground first?

They hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour does not affect acceleration due to gravity.

jimthemental

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were in a pub. Inevitably the conversation was brought to Celtic vs Rangers and a fight broke out.

Iwannahurl

A Mexican, a Jew, and a black guy go into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fvck out of here!"

NoDice

A horse walks into a bar. Several people got up and left when they noticed the potential danger in the situation.


Your friend is so gay; he has consensual sex with other men and enjoys it!


Knock knock
Come in


What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We are both lawyers.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who???
Dave breaks down into tears as he realises his grandmother's alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

NoDice

BEST THREAD EVER BTW!

Promac

Johnny_Trotter wrote: »

How about some Latvian jokes?

/thread

Devil08

Why did the poster use a spoiler for his punchline?
I dont f*^king know!! Maybe so the reader could save it for later or something???!???


Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a monkey.

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Getting raped.

Rick Deckard

Johnny_Trotter wrote: »

Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is say, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”

couldn't help thinking what happened next.
Sad, I know


Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is shout, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”

Neighbor is near. "What you have soup?", he cry, "Why you watch daughter starve to death, we all eat bones!, and you have soup?"

Mob is gather, is kill man and wife. Still no find soup, but whole town is have great feast for long times. Wife fatty.

Devil08

Wife fatty and husband no like fatty womans. Husband go off to find not fatty woman. He find nice girl of 16 years of old. She and him enjoy sex lots. Fatty wife is jealous and eat more and more to stop getting sad. Husband leaves fatty wife for good and gets marry to 16 years old girl. They live happy forever and eats soup and have the sex and be happy all the time.