Unexpected answers to funny jokes

godscop

OK this might sound like a weird premise, but it genuinely can work and be hilarious. Basically, take a well-known joke and put in a completely serious answer.



A man walks into a bar


















His rampant alcoholism is tearing his family apart

AnonoBoy

Non-Jokes they're called.


- Knock knock
Who's there?
- It's the Gardai, I'm afraid there's been a very serious accident. Your wife is dead.

Biggins

godscop wrote: »

A man walks into a bar

Ouch!

NoDice

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks around a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Do I win anything?

AntiMatter

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because Mary, the farmer's neighbour, had left some breadcrumbs there, and the chicken, suffering hunger pangs, toddled over to relieve it's peckishness.

bronte

Why couldn't Helen Keller play checkers?
She was blind, hence making it difficult to see the board. perhaps a board with textured, clearly delineated squares would work.



A priest, a rabbi, and four midgets walk into a bar. After sitting on the stools for a while, the rabbi and the midgets had some pleasant conversations before turning in for the night. The priest kept to himself, and after four rounds he staggered home and fell asleep with the TV on, thinking he should have taken that chance to do aid work in India.

bonerm

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar.

What a fine example of an integrated community.

summerskin

a christian, a jew and a muslim walk in to a bar






what a fine example of multiculturalism.





What have Gary Glitter and acne got in common?

Neither have done anything to help the West Bank crisis.

actuallylike

A horse walks into the bar.

Barman: Why the long face?

Horse: My son has multiple sclerosis.

Ghandee

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

AgileMyth

Whats white and can't climb trees?

Toothpaste.

bonerm

*Knock Knock*

Who's there?

It's the Baliff. You're six months behind on your mortgage repayments so we're repossessing your home.

AgileMyth

How do you brainwash a blonde?

A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.

A priest, a preacher and rabbi walk into a bar. The barman says, "is this some kind of joke?"

spitfireIRL

Why did the knacker cross the road?

To start on the chicken for no reason

xoxyx

What are green and hang from trees.

Apples.

Aldebaran

Knock knock?
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

NoDice

Why are black people so good at basketball?
They practice.


What did Batman say to Robin to make him get into the car?
Get into the car.


"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Jim."
"Jim who?"
"Jim Smith... Your neighbor. My lawn mower just died and my lawn is half mowed. Can I borrow your one?"
"Sure, I'll open the garage for you."
"Thanks buddy, I owe you one."


Your mother is so fat that her doctor recommended that she exercise regularly and eat foods with nutritional value.


And sorry bad taste joke so please don't read if easily offended!!---

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

ibarelycare

Why did Mary fall off her bike?

Because John threw a fridge-freezer at her.

bonerm

(I'm predicting this thread will be a great success in Germany)

godscop

Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Father Christmas' lap?

Father Christmas' boner reminded him of his paedophile father.

Fizman

Why did Fizman enter this thread?

Because he initially had high hopes of being somewhat entertained but upon reading has realised that he will have to wait a little bit longer to be somewhat entertained.

Aldebaran

A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him, he rolls over and starts to cry because he knows his marriage is in shambles.

fedor.2.

godscop wrote: »

Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Father Christmas' lap?

Father Christmas' boner reminded him of his paedophile father.

Jaysus

GrizzlyMan

Whats Red and Invisible?





No Tomatoe.

Ghandee

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty six year old's?

Theres twenty of them!

ejmaztec

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse?

A dead mouse with a huge flange

godscop

fedor.2. wrote: »

Jaysus

overdo it ?

iamstop

Q: How many linguists does it take to change a lightbulb?



A: Yellow.

dubtom

Why did the chicken cross the road.

Gregory Peck.




That didn't work.:(

LittleBook

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

What's green and turns red at the touch of a button?



Pedestrian crossing lights.

cypharius

What did the owl say to the mouse?

Nothing, because owls cannot talk, the owl then ate the mouse because owls are predatory animals.

Sykk

Whats white and if it falls from a tree and lands on you. It could kill you.

A fridge.

NoDice

A man goes to see his doctor, and the doctor tells him "You've got to stop masturbating."

The guy says "What, why?"

The doctor replies "So I can examine you."

Pyr0

What's dark and cloudy?








Dark clouds.

NoDice

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette are on an airplane. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and there was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety.
The captain said to each of the three ladies "You can only take one of your possessions when you parachute out of the plane.".
The blonde says "I will take my watch becau--"
But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.

fakearms123

why did Frank grow up to become a porcelain doll collector?

Because Frank's father molested him and his sister as a child after their mother died in a car crash.

Just made that up there, I'm going to hell!

Thundercats Ho

I can't bear to think about WWII.
My grandfather died in a concentration camp.



























He fell off a watch tower

Sofaspud

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

iamstop

Pyr0 wrote: »

What's dark and cloudy?








Dark clouds.

Brown and sticky?
Brown stick

Pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

Pink and hard?
Pig with a flick knife.

dr.bollocko

A man is stranded on a deserted island, when he comes across what looks like a magic lamp. A genie comes out of the lamp and says to him "I will grant you 3 wishes".

The man responds: "Genies and magic lamps are fictional creations, most commonly found in ancient Arabian folklore, and as such are at odds with a rational understanding of reality. The prolonged isolation on this island, coupled with the extreme temperatures I'm being subjected to, must be causing me to hallucinate."





A man walks into a bar, and upon his entrance, notices a small man in a tuxedo, precisely 12 inches tall, playing the piano. The man says to the barman: "I'm glad to see that you have exercised wise judgement as an equal opportunities employer, and have not shown prejudice against this gifted musician on the basis of his diminutive stature by refusing him work."

ejmaztec

Did you hear the one about the stripper, the priest and the rabbi who walked into a hotel?

They each booked separate single rooms on different floors, and after a comfortable night's sleep, ate an exceptional breakfast and left after paying their bills.

ejmaztec

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?

Yore ma on wash-day

El Guapo!

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?




Because she had no arms.


:pac:

NothingMan

What's brown and sticky?

Sh!t....

PK2008

What do you call a child with no arms and an eye patch?

Names

iamstop

Dean09 wrote: »

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?




Because she had no arms.


:pac:

A: Knock Knock...

B: Who is there?

A: A little girl who can't reach your doorbell.

Johnny_Trotter

How about some Latvian jokes?

Joke:
Three men are in ship. One Latvian, one Russian, one Lithuanian. Lithuanian take out one bottle wodka. Russian kill Lithuanian, then drink wodka. Then Latvian wait until Russian drink self to sleep, then kill. Is end.

Joke:
Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

Joke:
A fishmonger says to a bootblack, "Are there any more potato left?" Bootblack says, "Yes, one. But it has gone bad." The fishmonger says, "I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill." And bootblack says, "I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend."

Joke:
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.

Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?

Joke:
How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree?
Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask.

Joke:
Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.”

Joke:
Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is say, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

NoDice

Why did the chicken cross the road?

There were obstacles surrounding it on three sides and the farmer was slowly nudging the chicken from behind. Thus, due to natural instincts, the chicken crosses the road.

mailforkev

Q: Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?

A: Because he's a c*nt