I cannot stand my future brother-in-law

LegacyUser

First of all I think people are reading too much into this. I went into as much detail as possible and was very honest in regards to my own situation to give posters a more rounded view of the situation but it seems that I have so how come across as overly aggressive and totally arrogant..........yet total void of all confidence Also people don't really seem to think that the fiancée is doing much wrong here and pretty much agree with him that he is "only havin' da craic" and I should lighten up and stop being a push over. I can tell you one thing, I am twice the man that this clown thinks he is and so what if I am down on my luck, I doubt I'm the only one at the moment, but he needs to show way more respect then he has so far as this whole situation is of his making, not mine!

Secondly I never said I was going to physically assault the guy. I said that he deserved a smack in the mouth for the way that he talked to me, I never ever said that I was going to hit him. I was on the end of an unprovoked verbal backlash from this guy at an important family event and I bite my lip and didn't retaliate for the sake of my family. I think that says alot more about me then it does against some thick mullah who thinks that he is something special.

Zen65 wrote: »

Wait, did I miss something?? Has this guy done anything to suggest to you or your parents that he may be abusive towards your sister? That would be a huge issue if it were true. If there was any suggestion this guy was abusive then your first posting here is a red herring because his abusive nature would be the only issue you should be discussing!! Or maybe he has never done anything abusive towards your sister, but your dislike for him is so strong that you're happy to throw a bit of "mud" in his direction to try justify your own dislike of him??

You didn't miss anything, as far as I know this guy hasn't laid a finger on my sister, but how are we to know that he never will? He obviously has huge character flaws and hasn't exactly made a great impression on my family plus add to the fact that he loves a drink yet alcohol seems to bring out the worst in him, there are more then enough red flags there to warrant being cautious of him.

The rest of your post was very good though Z and I agree that my own personal issues are obviously not helping me right now and I agree that I am probably blowing things out of proportion in regards to Christmas some what. I also don't consider your views blinkered <snip>.

WellyJ

Why is everyone being so tough on the OP?

This sounds like a nightmare situation.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I didn't read all the responses so excuse me if I repeat someone else.

Firstly, I know EXACTLY where your head is at. I had a recent thing where I was in forced proximity to someone I absolutely HATE with a passion for a long long long time. Like this person made me cry on multiple occasions out of pure frustration. Total knacker scum is too kind a description for them.

Anyway the only way I could deal with them in the end was through utter calm. Just be quiet and non reactive with him. If he says something nasty/insulting/condescending then don't say anything, just look at him, count to 5 in your head and then nail it, just say "well that's not very nice" or "hmmm not really any of your concern is it?" etc etc. Don't get into an argument, don't respond to it other than pointing out his bad manners in a quiet voice. This will mortify him and really show up his bad manners. You have to have CLASS when dealing with someone like him, that means being the bigger man (I know it's hard when your hand is itching to slap him). It will also make your sister re-evaluate him. A lack of a response or very quietly pointing out the obvious (i.e. "well that's a rude thing to say") will work a millions times better then loosing the rag. Take a note out of your father's book, a quiet response is sometimes way more effective. Just don't play his game, just smile and nod when he braggs, at the end of the day who gives a **** what he drives/owns etc. He does sound very insecure and passive aggressive, so you need to be passive in return. Like I said either say nothing or a simple sentence is the best response. Also a quick glance at your sister when he pulls this **** should get her to open her eyes. You have my sympathy, being around someone who you hate is really really really hard but remember it's only 6 days. Try your best to enjoy your Christmas. Best of luck.

Also : I'm female, not sure why that should make an ounce of difference but you seem to think it's important.

seamus

Bah Humbug wrote: »

there are more then enough red flags there to warrant being cautious of him.

I completely and utterly disagree.

Because he can act a bit laddish and macho and has a tendency to shoot his mouth off when he's drinking, you're worried for your sister's safety? Over-reacting much?

Look, he sounds like a complete plonker, going on your description. But as iguana alluded to early on, it sounds like you were ready to form a negative opinion of the guy before you even met him - he shook your hand too strongly and then didn't interrupt his conversation to speak to you, therefore you got off to a bad start?

To me it sounds a bit like you were initially overprotective of your sister - slightly older guy, unknown quantity, proposed before you even got a chance to meet him - and I suspect unless he turned out to be a perfect gentleman who sat quietly in the corner and spoke when spoken to, he was never going to tick all the boxes.

Granted, he fell a good deal short of the expected box-ticking, but in reality the only thing you should expect any boyfriend/fiance of your sister's to do is make her happy. Anything outside of that is irrelevant. And if he makes her happy, then make an effort to see past his shortcomings.
I've seen it happen before where you get a very loud, laddish kind of guy meets the future in-laws and acts like he's with his mates down the pub; crude jokes, slagging, the lot. It doesn't mean that they're bad people necessarily, they just have a different idea about how to act around people than you do.

I would say to stop focussing on these six days as torture. Wipe the slate clean in your head and give the guy the benefit of the doubt. You've only met him a couple of times previously, and every single time your expectation of him was overwhelmingly negative, so he was unlikely to make a great impression.
Now you've got six whole days where you'll get to know him. If you go in, mind open, then you can legitimately say after six days that you don't like him or that, "actually, he's still a bit loud an arrogant for my liking, but he's OK". If you automatically assume that you won't like him, then you're going to have a torturous six days and at the end of it you won't have made any kind of effort.

If he crosses a line, tell him calmly and remove yourself from the conversation.

LegacyUser

Lads ease up on the OP - regardless of who's right or wrong the fact is that after the utter pox of a year he's just had, he now has to share close quarters with someone he can't stand right when he was hoping for a nice Christmas... I'd be losing the will to live if I was in his shoes.

curlzy wrote: »

Anyway the only way I could deal with them in the end was through utter calm. Just be quiet and non reactive with him. If he says something nasty/insulting/condescending then don't say anything, just look at him, count to 5 in your head and then nail it, just say "well that's not very nice" or "hmmm not really any of your concern is it?" etc etc. Don't get into an argument, don't respond to it other than pointing out his bad manners in a quiet voice. This will mortify him and really show up his bad manners. You have to have CLASS when dealing with someone like him, that means being the bigger man (I know it's hard when your hand is itching to slap him). It will also make your sister re-evaluate him. A lack of a response or very quietly pointing out the obvious (i.e. "well that's a rude thing to say") will work a millions times better then loosing the rag. Take a note out of your father's book, a quiet response is sometimes way more effective. Just don't play his game, just smile and nod when he braggs, at the end of the day who gives a **** what he drives/owns etc. He does sound very insecure and passive aggressive, so you need to be passive in return. Like I said either say nothing or a simple sentence is the best response. Also a quick glance at your sister when he pulls this **** should get her to open her eyes. You have my sympathy, being around someone who you hate is really really really hard but remember it's only 6 days. Try your best to enjoy your Christmas. Best of luck.

Also : I'm female, not sure why that should make an ounce of difference but you seem to think it's important.

+++1

It's the only way - be the bigger man and just blank him when he's being a tool. Smile sweetly and say nothing, just don't respond. He does sound like a bit of a bully and bullies feed off any hint of victimisation or 'he's picking on me' vibes. The only way to win is to show him it's having zero effect on you.

Also as someone else has said - if your sister does go ahead and marry this guy, you need to look at the bigger picture, you'll be related to him and this bad feeling will have to be sorted before it causes a serious rift. I almost don't want to say this - but maybe under the bravado there's someone in there you might be able to get along with on some level??

tinkerbell

I don't understand why people are being so horrible to the OP. His sister's fiancé has been a twat to him on numerous occasions and now he has to spend Christmas, which he was really looking forward to, in the same house as this ignorant git? I know for one that I would be furious if my sibling's partner treated me with disrespect like that, they'd soon know about it and wouldn't do it again because I would call them up on it and tell them what I thought of them.

OP, what I would advise to you is the next time that he pulls this crap on you, ask him who the hell does he think he is disrespecting you in your family home, and if he has a problem with a member of the family then he should just leave the house and come back when he has sorted out his attitude.

I would not tolerate his behaviour, he has no right to be a twat to you. So call him up on it, he will hopefully be so mortified by his behaviour that he'll soon shut up.

Zen65

Bah Humbug wrote: »

You didn't miss anything, as far as I know this guy hasn't laid a finger on my sister, but how are we to know that he never will? He obviously has huge character flaws ......

OP, we all have character flaws (some of which might seem "huge" to other people) - and you can never be sure that a person will not at some stage turn to violence. Were I to be cynical I could suggest that since you expressed a belief that this man was deserving of a smack in the mouth that you are already predisposed towards violent ways? Of course such a comment about you would be most unfair; you have not suggested that you would do such a thing. Similarly you have not shown any reason to have questioned your sister's safety in his company. By questioning it in the way you do, you are allowing yourself licence to increase your dislike of him.

That is of course your prerogative, but to be fair to your sister I would humbly suggest that you could apply the same amount of effort to overlook his faults and be glad that he makes your sister happy. It is a gift that is often not appreciated fully that somebody should make another person happy.

I think Seamus is on the button when he says "he sounds like a complete plonker". In my experience the sort of immature behaviours this man exhibits often change in time, as he himself begins to see the error of his ways. He may never grow to be a close friend, but with perseverance you may find he grows to be quite tolerable.

Now that I think of it, I posibly was a plonker of this magnitude in my younger days!


Be at peace,

Z

jimmycrackcorm

tinkerbell wrote: »

I don't understand why people are being so horrible to the OP. His sister's fiancé has been a twat to him on numerous occasions and now he has to spend Christmas, which he was really looking forward to, in the same house as this ignorant git? .

Perhaps because when you compare the OPs opinion of the guy to his father who recognized the guy had his flaws

likes the sound of his own voice

then the OP comes across as over-negative. He even questioned why the Fiance is not going to his own home for xmas.

One way or the other, the OP needs to recognize that the guy is going to be part of the family and try so desperately to lower himself to the level he perceives of the future BIL.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - regardless of whether or not he's as bad as you say he is.. there is clearly a personality clash here. You don't like each other - well you don't like him, he probably doesn't even think about you!

You are all worked up and consumed by him, and I'd guess you are nothing but a fleeting thought to him.

If he says something to you that you don't like or don't agree with.. very simply say "and why does that bother you?" "is that such a big issue for you?" etc..

If you question him you are forcing him to answer or elaborate, if he doesn't he will be embarrassed and start realising he needs to watch what he's saying around you. If he DOES, then he will embarrass himself in front of yous sister and your family, and she may very well take it up with him and tell him to back off.

Either way - you sitting back, accepting it and seething silently about it is not going to change it. He's not going to have a eureka moment, unless you bring it to his attention.

OS119

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

....Either way - you sitting back, accepting it and seething silently about it is not going to change it. He's not going to have a eureka moment, unless you bring it to his attention.

this is my view.

OP, best way to do it is whenever he either starts bigging himself up, or slagging you down just tilt your head, go all doe-eyed, flutter your eyelids and say 'i love you', or 'you're so perfect', or, if you're feeling particularly brave 'have you ever made love to a man?'.

he'll get the message real fast.

Phat Cat

Jaysus the OP is getting a fair ol' roosting here! I think alot of posters are being very unfair to him given that he has shown incredible restraint after what sounds like a down right nasty year. The guy that he discribes sounds like a villian from a movie or something but calling the OP arrogant and selfish is very short sighted after what he has had to put up with.

Everyone seems to hung up on their first interaction too. I have personally given dozens of job interviews and for me first impressions and initial reactions are very important IMO. For example if I met a candidate and he gave me a powerful handshake and looked me right in the eye it would probably indicate that he was very confident or even excited. But if I got the same handshake off another candidate who refused to look me in my eyes I would think the exact opposite. If he then refused to even knowledge me by talking to somebody else or distracting himself from the situation then alarm bells would be ringing in my head.

The OP even said that he didn't think too much about it at the time and "let it slide" but he went back to it for reference when his initial suspicions proved to be justified when his future brother in law began to insult and belittle him in front of his own family. I'm surprised his sister hasn't pulled her fella up on his behaviour but the OP did mention that they haven't seen eye to eye and also reviled that she had a selfish steak so maybe she is partly to blame in all of this mess too? Can she honestly not see what's happening or does she even care? I'm surprised nobody mention her yet actually.

One thing for sure is that the brother in law is an out and out bully. He had no right to insult the OP in the manner that he did. I mean calling someone a loser to their face is bad enough but when that person is a stranger that you need to form a positive relationship with for that sake of your future families happiness.........it actually beggars believe at how stupid and selfish his actions were.

By the way the way he was described I don't think he be able to change on his own, plus l'd say that there is a strong possibility that he will use Christmas as an further opportunity to see how far he can push the OP. All the OP needs to do is to stay calm and let this bully expose himself for what he really is. I'd say that the mother and father know exactly what he is like but are determined to get along with him for the sake of their daughter. Their daughter on the other hand is is probably oblivious to these apparent flaws and right how is still blinded by love after being sweep off her feet by this fella who asked her to marry him and who she only knows a year. IMO she is the key to all of this because a rift looks like its on the cards unless she steps in as peacemaker and sorts these male egos out.

Dinge

Regardless of what the OP thinks of his future brother in law, it looks like he's going to be part of the family. I can detect from what he has written here that he's really consumed by his dislike of him and has already ruined Christmas for himself before anyone comes to visit at all.

All I can suggest is that the he does his best to be civil to him and not let him wind him up. Some people get off on this sort of behaviour and the OP will only be playing into his hands if he works himself up into a lather over him.