Sad women/ Living with depression

Dudess

Bluecatmorgana, don't be so harsh on yourself - you deserve love and close friendship like anyone else...

Xiney

Ladies,

Please note that this thread isn't for:

a) discussing the causes of depression (including whether it can be cured by reading a positive thinking book)

b) discussing benefits for those with depression (there is a long term illness forum & a state benefits forum for that)

c) rambling so incoherently we can't tell whether you're on topic or not.


All off topic posts have been deleted.


On a positive note, the snow outside is beautiful and sure put a smile on my face this morning

CathyMoran

My mother has suffered with severe mental illness all her life but she has never had it treated or been diagnosed so I can not say what illness(es) she is suffereing from. I know that she had severe postnatal depression after me (my daddy had to keep me away from my mother) but it was never treated. She was/is very physically abusive, her mood would change from one second to the next and you never knew when she would hit you next (she only hit me and my daddy), she would also get into extreme violent rages. I tried to report her several times but the school ignored it/the doctor blamed me (it was my fault according to him that she was hitting me as I must have been provoking her, right!).

I keep contact with her to a minimum but she still lives with my daddy so unfortunatly I have to see her sometimes.

I am always scared that I will get ill like her and have my husband keep an eye on me. I have no problem with those with mental illness as long as it is treated - untreated, yes, it scares me.

LegacyUser

I've never been diagnosed, but I think I suffered from depression when I was younger. When I'm low, I get anxious, particularly around other people.

When I was around 10, I genuinely hated myself. I thought I was fat (I was a little overweight), getting bullied and I had no friends. I dreaded going into school and the 30 minutes of lunch was hell for me. I was fine for a while once I left primary school but for those few years I just wanted to get out of this life.

In around third year I was bullied again. I lost all my friends and I crashed. For about a year and a half I felt so low. I wanted to kill myself a few times, I actually cut myself a couple of times but I loved the feeling but I felt I didn't deserve to have such a nice feeling so I stopped. I was so lonely and so upset but I cut myself off from everyone.

I've never talked to people about this. I told one friend who is clearly depressed from abuse that is ongoing. I told her because I knew she wouldn't tell other people. I don't think other people would believe me if I said anything because I come across quite happy and fairly confident in myself but for the longest time I wasn't. My self confidence is still fairly low, even now.
I couldn't tell my family. There is such a huge taboo about mental health in my extended family. My cousin killed herself and we just don't talk about it. An aunt suffered a break down and we just act like she was in hospital with the flu or something that she'll just "get over".

I know I should have gone to the doctor when I was feeling so bad. I just never had a spare €50 or a way to get there without my parents asking where I was going. I was also terrified that my doctor would have to tell my parents.

This sounds so doom and gloom but I've been feeling fantastic for about a month. It's absurd, I'm in 6th year and it's very stressful but I am feeling the best that I have felt for about two years now

LegacyUser

Hi all,
It has been such an eye opener for me reading all your experiences and how hard it might have been to post them up here.

I too, probably suffer from depression but for so long I have thought I was going mad or I would snap out of it. It's only from reading these threads that I can identify with people and that I'm not as mad as I first thought.

With me it's not really a big reason, but lots of small things coming together and each time my confidence takes a blow I become a little more withdrawn. I despise my job, don't get on with my mother and haven't for as long as I can remember. I have had two boyfriends and both of them hurt me blatantly on a number of occasions by just being plain nasty and lying to me about various tihngs. In the last year, four people who were friends have decided they don't want anything to do with me, the most recent being last week. I don't know the reasons for this, maybe they could sense I was depressed or something and didn't like the person I was becoming. I have days where I feel elated and that nothing could bother me and then there are days when I want to curl up in a ball. Because of these "friends" who want nothing to do with me anymore, I am almost paranoid around new people and can't enjoy myself because I am so worried about whether they like me, or can even sense how I'm feeling.

I was on holidays over summer and I cried for five hours on a plane because one of these friends who doesn't talk to me anymore basically said I was annoying, hyper, confrontational, moany and too happy. I couldn't understand how I could be all of these things as they are so different. When I thought about her reasons for this, it transpired that a girl took a dislike to me and blew a friendly/jokey debate into something that reallt hurt her and she was upset and trust me it was over something stupid that I fail to see why it upset someone.

I just feel that if anymore people don't want anything to do with me I will have no friends left. I feel I have been treated badly by these people in the past year and did nothing to deserve it but yet I am so paranoid now around people I'm scared they will pick up on it.

Can anyone here give a brief outline, if allowed by the mods, of what counselling or that first visit to your doctor involves? How long does counselling last or is it up to yourself? Just I think if I had these things clear in my mind that I might make a positive step in getting the help I finally need.

jeep

apsalar wrote: »

Thank you all for replying to the opening post...

Some of your stories have been so painful for me to read I actually regretted bringing up the topic. I hope that by sharing your stories there has been a sense of relief- getting it all off your chest to others that understand and just feeling better for saying, hey, this is me...and I don't have to be sorry about it.

Dudess asked earlier if I get therapy..I'm ashamed to admit that aside from my psychiatrist it's pretty patchy. Especially during my depressive lows. I can't even speak to my OH let alone another person. Part of it has to do with the shame of finding myself yet again in a bad way. You'd think by now I would accept that after the highs come the lows. It's a cycle I can predict but still get suprised by each and every time. duh!?

Self-acceptance is a continuos battle and I think that's the most soul destroying aspect of my condition. It's a personal war I may never win but learning to love myself even when I sometimes feel I would like to be a different person has been the most beneficial thing to me.

Metrovelevet, you're absolutely right, you simply can't tell when it's the illness or simple nastiness at work. I can admt to being pretty mean to my OH who shrugs it off as my having a bad day. It's bad I know, but what can I say? Sometimes I'm bitchy for no good reason:rolleyes:.....it's bad and I always say sorry, but I do take advantage of his understanding ways.

To all those living with sufferers, I applaud you. I simply couldn't imagine having to deal with myself when in a bad way. It must be awful. Love and tolerance can only stretch so far and I have nothing but admiration. If my own nternal environment can be so toxic to ME, what more for the people around me?

Self Acceptance is my battle, I'm glad I looked here this evening I feel less 'odd' iykwim.

Its also a trait in the women in my family, my Mother,Sister and myself. My Mum was so sad and angry all the time and she turned to alcohol which eventually killed her.

I cope with the help of meds to do what is expected of me as a Mum and Wife but rarely step out of my comfort zone, if I do I'm gripped with anxiety both mentally and physically (I tremble, my palms sweat and stomach churns).

I hated counselling and find my Dog is a great listener..

I'm grateful to you all for sharing.

LegacyUser

will someone please delete my post above, I wanted to type it to get it off my chest but i don't want to leave it there now. thanks

LegacyUser

It's the hardest thing in the world to see the person you love unhappy, but it's something I've had to get used to. Depression really deserves so much more understanding than the flippant attitude given towards it by so many people. It is a horrible, soul destroying disease; it takes away everything you have, and gradually gnaws away at any reason you ever had to live. And it's so so hard to see someone you love suffer like that, to see that dullness in their eyes where there used to be so much light, and to see the curtains close on a future that they just can't see existing anymore. You want to put yourself in their shoes, you want to feel what they feel, so that they might believe you when you say things will get better...and so that you'll believe it yourself. But you can't. All you can do is be there, even during the times when they tell you they don't want you there - because they are the times when they need you the most, even at a distance. You just want to make them better, but you have to accept that it's not that easy, and that the responsibility doesn't lie with you. You can't carry that weight on your shoulders, or it will drag you down and start to work it's way into your very core.

It's hard to think of yourself too, you don't want to be selfish, and sometimes it feels like your problems are so trivial in comparison to what they're going through. But you can't be that way, you can't continue to give and give and give..because you'll just get so pent up with the anger and frustration of not getting anything back. Of course, you'll tell yourself that you're being entirely selfless, that you don't want anything in return; that you love this person and that you'll do anything for them. And that might be true to an extent, but everyone needs someone to love, and if the person you need to love you back just can't do it then it's going to hurt like hell.

You have to accept that things may never get better, that this could last for years, or hide itself and resurface. You have to think long and hard about that, about the kind of life you have ahead of you, and decide if you can handle it. And if you can't, then you need to get out, because you'll do them more harm than good by being a burden instead of a crutch. I did it, I thought about it all, over and over again, Until my thoughts all spilled on to paper in a stream of words that just didn't make sense. But then I looked more closely, and there was one word that made sense of the whole 5 pages I'd written - this one word that kept reappearing again and again amongst the scattering of ink on paper - and that word was 'Love'.

If you love someone, you'll be there no matter what happens. And no matter how much it hurts, you'll keep loving them, because you've decided that it's worth it to you - that they're worth it to you. Because you know, that there is nothing in this world that can fulfil you more than sharing your heart with them. And some days you'll get that love back, some days you'll see that glint in their eye and that spring in their step - and those are the days that will remind you of why you're still there and of how good things can be. Other days will be tough, they'll push you away, they'll hate themselves and in turn hate you for loving them - but that's when you need to remind them of the good days. That's when you remind them of who they are, and why you love them, those are the days that you CAN give and give and give - because you know that when they're ready you'll get it back.