First date sex!

Darlughda

Right. Started a thread over in the boys room about what men really think about women they have sex with on a first date.

So far I have been genuinely surprised with the responses.

Got me thinking. As I mentioned in the other thread, some women I know see sleeping with a man on first date as just an extension of getting to know somebody, especially in terms of finding out if you are sexually compatible with someone.

What about you? What do you think of a man who sleeps with you on a first date?

Do you think of the idea of judging a person who sleeps with someone on the first date is a bit outdated?

jubella

IMO, it's not a big deal. If two people are attracted to each other and want to do it, why put it off just because of social norms or what other people might think? They should just do it when they want to, and if that happens to be on the first date then so be it.

I think it's wrong to judge other people over something like that though. There's a difference between being a "slut" and sleeping with someone on the first date. Sex isn't as big a deal as it used to be for a lot of people, anyone who judges someone over sex needs to accept that . The idea is completely outdated.
That being said I would have a lot of respect for someone who doesn't give in so soon for whatever reasons, but I would never judge someone negatively for doing the opposite, nor do I know anyone who would.

Asphyxia

If both people wanted it then it's grand, you don't suddenly become a slut or a player there's no rules involved. If you're both feeling it and want it at the time then go for it.

Princess Peach

I have never actually slept with a man on a first date, but pretty much every guy I've been with has tried to on our first night together, be it a date or just a night out hook up. For me its not a big deal that they try. My experience in saying no is that some guys, that I meet on a night out, won't ask me for my number because I didn't want to go home with them. Other guys just kind of brush past the no and we keep seeing each other. The guys that only wanted sex and nothing more, I feel didn't have much respect for me. And the guys that I went on to see again I know genuinely liked me. I didn't lose any respect for them because they tried it on the first night, I feel most guys will try it on at anytime, its the staying with you when you say no that shows they respect you!

The reason I don't sleep with guys on the first date is because I like to know that he likes me, and wants more than sex from me before I do it. I don't have the emotional stability for one night stands, I like to know for sure that I'm going to get a text or another date after I sleep with him. I know I should try not to judge girls and guys that do it. Just because its not for me, doesn't mean that its wrong. But I have to admit that I do judge them, I won't lie. Especially a drunk hook up with a stranger, as opposed to a proper date. I think the people I judge really are the people I know who seem to do it all the time.

I'm trying to think of reasons why I think like this, and I'm finding it pretty hard I must admit! But I do sometimes think badly of the guys and girls I know that sleep with people so soon. I feel bad for not having a genuine reason for it! Maybe its just because its something I don't do and I don't really understand it from their side?

squeakyduck

I wouldn't put out on a first date. Leave him wait...the anticipation leading up to the moment is amazing!

I've slept (ie: sleep *snore* no sex) with a guy on a first date, he was an acquaintance of mine and we ended up going out for a drink together...We did end up kissing that night! Many dates later things happened, and it was worth the wait!

Faith

Tbh, I have no self-control . If I like a guy, I generally want to go home with him asap. That's only developed recently, and I've known in advance that there was no future for us for one reason or another when I have gone home with them.

But I slept with my ex the night I met him. We were out with mutual friends, but had never met each other before. We kissed that night, and we all went back to a mutual friends house. I'd never slept with a guy even remotely that quickly before, but we were literally pushed into a room together for the night. I figured it could be my first foray into ONSs, and I crept out of there the next morning well before he woke up, without leaving my number or anything. We bumped into each other a week later, slept together again and this time he insisted on taking my number and texted me a couple of hours after we'd parted. Next thing I know, we're going out with each other for 2 years.

I think that often, sleeping with a guy on the first night will make it be a ONS, even if that's not what you'd planned on. But it's not always the kiss of death either. Some very successful relationships have blossomed after sleeping together on the first night.

Audie

I don't make a habit on one night stands or anything. But I slept with my now boyfriend on our first date (drunk on champagne!) 2 and a half years later we're going strong.

Admittedly, it wasnt the ideal situation (especially as I had to get the MAP next day!) But if he'd turned around and told me he wasn't interested as I'd slept with him on the first date, I'd have been horrified!

In general terms though, I dont think sex on a first date isnt that big a deal, even if someone is going out having ONS all the time, if they do it safely, who am I to judge. Hey, sex is fun!

Edit: Just had a look at what you posted in tGC OP, quite shocking indeed!

Pembily

My 2 cents (quote from Samantha from SATC ) you test drive a car before you buy it !!!! I don't have an issue with it at all... I am with Faith - have no self control :rolleyes: Slept with my ex the first time we met and were together for 4 years!! If you want it go for it - you are only having sex - nothing illegal or immoral bout it My brother on the other hand says girls who "put out" when he first meets them are sluts :eek:

Princess Peach wrote: »

The reason I don't sleep with guys on the first date is because I like to know that he likes me, and wants more than sex from me before I do it. I don't have the emotional stability for one night stands, I like to know for sure that I'm going to get a text or another date after I sleep with him.

That is perfectly understandable and fair play for admitting it!!! ONS can be a mind field of emotion!!!

Princess Peach wrote: »

I'm trying to think of reasons why I think like this, and I'm finding it pretty hard I must admit! But I do sometimes think badly of the guys and girls I know that sleep with people so soon. I feel bad for not having a genuine reason for it! Maybe its just because its something I don't do and I don't really understand it from their side?

Again fair play for being honest, I just don't see it as a big deal, if we both want it sure why not Once ye are both honest about it its all good!!

Faith wrote: »

But it's not always the kiss of death either. Some very successful relationships have blossomed after sleeping together on the first night.

A lot of people think it is the kiss of death though It can actually make you more attracted to them knowing what they can do sexually

Nervous Wreck

I'd never say a definite yes or no to anything but, generally, if I really like someone or think it could go somewhere, I'd prefer to wait a while before having sex. That's not to say if I slept with someone on a first date, I'd go "well, no chance of a relationship now" or anything but, if I really get on with someone and want to see them again, I'm much happier to ask for her number and get to know her better first so that our sexual path can progress naturally with time and in tandem with our emotional/romantic journey.

Malari

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I'd never say a definite yes or no to anything but, generally, if I really like someone or think it could go somewhere, I'd prefer to wait a while before having sex. That's not to say if I slept with someone on a first date, I'd go "well, no chance of a relationship now" or anything but, if I really get on with someone and want to see them again, I'm much happier to ask for her number and get to know her better first so that our sexual path can progress naturally with time and in tandem with our emotional/romantic journey.

Woah! That sounds like counsellor speak! I don't even know what it means!

I think I've said elsewhere I slept with my boyfriend quite early. We both wanted to so it happened about day 3. But had spent so much time together at that point it felt like longer.

The way I feel is if I've only just met someone there's nothing really to lose. If he decides that I've slept with him too early and backs off, so be it, his loss. If it doesn't bother him and we end up going out, cool. But I don't think I'd sleep with someone I ONLY wanted sex with.

Nervous Wreck

Malari wrote: »

Woah! That sounds like counsellor speak! I don't even know what it means!

Haha, it means that I've done the ONS thing and, fun as it can be sometimes, it doesn't at all compare to sleeping with someone I love or even someone that I really really like. As such, if I feel there's something 'there' with someone, I'll be disinclined to rush into bed, even though I'll defo want to quite fast, so that when it does happen, I'll know her a little better and it'll impact that bit more. If ya get me....

donfers

Princess Peach wrote: »

I have never actually slept with a man on a first date, but pretty much every guy I've been with has tried to on our first night together, be it a date or just a night out hook up. For me its not a big deal that they try. My experience in saying no is that some guys, that I meet on a night out, won't ask me for my number because I didn't want to go home with them. Other guys just kind of brush past the no and we keep seeing each other. The guys that only wanted sex and nothing more, I feel didn't have much respect for me. And the guys that I went on to see again I know genuinely liked me. I didn't lose any respect for them because they tried it on the first night, I feel most guys will try it on at anytime, its the staying with you when you say no that shows they respect you!

The reason I don't sleep with guys on the first date is because I like to know that he likes me, and wants more than sex from me before I do it. I don't have the emotional stability for one night stands, I like to know for sure that I'm going to get a text or another date after I sleep with him. I know I should try not to judge girls and guys that do it. Just because its not for me, doesn't mean that its wrong. But I have to admit that I do judge them, I won't lie. Especially a drunk hook up with a stranger, as opposed to a proper date. I think the people I judge really are the people I know who seem to do it all the time.

I'm trying to think of reasons why I think like this, and I'm finding it pretty hard I must admit! But I do sometimes think badly of the guys and girls I know that sleep with people so soon. I feel bad for not having a genuine reason for it! Maybe its just because its something I don't do and I don't really understand it from their side?

ummmm hate to rain in your parade here but I think you are idealising or romantacising the situation too much....if it works for you, go with that interpretation but I prefer to take a more realistic or practical view....the guys who stay with you after you say no could actually be continuing to presist because there are no better options on the horizon whereas the guy who walks away after the first no knows he can get it first night from some other girl and moves on confident he can find it elsewhere.

So the guy who keeps hammering away at you after you've said no, is he a stubborn romantic who loves you for who you really are and is willing to wait for the right moment when you both feel ready - or perhaps he is a tad desperate, lacking in self-onfidence and is willing to latch on like a parasite to even the slightest opportunity of sex where he can get it.

Thus my simple conclusion is it's wisest to make your judgements about the chivalry and romantic intentions of the gentleman in question in these matters after the sex act and not before

Novella

Darlughda wrote: »

What about you? What do you think of a man who sleeps with you on a first date?

I wouldn't think any differently of a man who had sex on a first date than I would of man who insisted on waiting until there was more of a connection etc. Sometimes sex just happens, and the whole, "Oh no, we had sex, now he'll think I'm easy and hate me" thing really bugs me.
I mean, if a man went on a date with the intention of just having sex, as long as he made that clear, fine. Or if he went on a date, really liked the girl and they ended up in bed, fine too. I think you kinda just know whether it's gonna be a once off event or if something more might develop, and I don't think having sex means it can't ever be something more meaningful.

Do you think of the idea of judging a person who sleeps with someone on the first date is a bit outdated?

Nah, not really. I posted in tGC about this already, but anyway! Everyone is entitled to have their opinion on this, and their own view. Some people wanna wait, and the idea of having sex on a first date is something that is wrong to them and imo, that's okay. Personally, I've no problem with it but I totally understand how someone would and the idea that this is outdated... well, y'know I think that gets me too! Sometimes I sorta feel like so many people wanna make sex way more casual or something and try to push their views on everyone else. If people see sex as special, why is that not okay?

WhodahWoodah

OP I reckon that it depends on the guy and the date. If you've had a great evening and things are organically moving towards sex then why not? IMO sex is about chemistry. If you and the guy get on great and have great chemistry and you both want to have sex then I don't see a problem.

I think the issue about guys not respecting girls who have sex on the first date is really about guys not respecting random girls that they met while both p*ssed and ended up in bed together. There's a world of difference.

If you get on well and you both want it and you understand each other then there's no reason why you won't meet again. On the other hand, if you meet, get on well and have sex and all he wanted was a ONS whereas that's not something you wanted then that might be something you should have discussed before the sex! If you're comfortable enough to have sex then you should be comfortable enough to talk about sex. I don't mean that before you go to his place you tell him you want a relationship, but you should mention that you're not into one night stands either. And there is the danger that if you say that he'll either (a) bolt - in which case, lucky escape or (b) lie to you and say he's not into one night stands either when that's all he actually wants but there's also option (c) where he'll tell you he's not into one night stands either and actually mean it! Either way, you'll have done at least some culling by getting rid of option (a)!

Or you could not have sex with someone when you want to on principal and protect yourself from (a) (b) and (c) but leave yourself open to the guy who wants the one night stand but has time on his hands!

There isn't a rule - all guys are different just like all girls are different. It's gonna have to be a judgement call each and every time.

Best of luck with it!

seenitall

Princess Peach wrote: »

I didn't lose any respect for them because they tried it on the first night, I feel most guys will try it on at anytime, its the staying with you when you say no that shows they respect you!

I think you have that completely the wrong way round. Surely it should be: "its the staying with you when you say yes that shows they respect you!"

I couldn't care less what other people do with their bodies in their spare time. If they want to sleep with anyone they find attractive the first night they meet them, wahey-ho. It is just that most of the time, the apalling double standard as displayed in that GC thread, will come back to bite them, but then they wouldn't be compatible with that kind of person in the long-term anyway.

As for myself, the few times that I did the first night thing, I did regret it, but that has more to do with my impeccable "zoom in on the most messed-up guy in the room and have it off with him" radar than anything else. Nowadays I am too wary of people for even ONS, let alone if I wanted to scope out the person for the long term possibilities.

Darlughda

jubella wrote: »

IMO, it's not a big deal. If two people are attracted to each other and want to do it, why put it off just because of social norms or what other people might think? They should just do it when they want to, and if that happens to be on the first date then so be it.

I think it's wrong to judge other people over something like that though. There's a difference between being a "slut" and sleeping with someone on the first date. Sex isn't as big a deal as it used to be for a lot of people, anyone who judges someone over sex needs to accept that . The idea is completely outdated.
That being said I would have a lot of respect for someone who doesn't give in so soon for whatever reasons, but I would never judge someone negatively for doing the opposite, nor do I know anyone who would.

So, the old question- What is a slut? A woman who is promiscuous? What is wrong with a woman being promiscuous?

Why would you have more respect for someone who doesn't give in?

What is giving in anyway? Giving into what? Consensual act between adults in 'giving in'? Can you explain?

Faith

Faith wrote: »

Tbh, I have no self-control . If I like a guy, I generally want to go home with him asap. That's only developed recently, and I've known in advance that there was no future for us for one reason or another when I have gone home with them.
.

Soooo - can I buy you a drink?

*ahem*

It won't bother me too much if I sleep with the girl on the first date. For me to think wrongly of her would be hypocritical, because I'm the exact same.

Silverfish

Deleted User wrote: »

Soooo - can I buy you a drink?

*ahem*

Don't do that here, thanks.

AnnyHallsal

If I was really attracted to the guy and placed in close confines it would definitely happen.

In terms of respect and that, if a guy's going to judge me for having sex with him or lose interest in me once he gets the roide, I'd prefer to know sooner rather than later. Any man who judges girls for their sexual activities is not the man for me.

I'm another person whose four year relationship began as a ONS.

Silverfish

Silverfish wrote: »

Don't do that here, thanks.

I was hoping the *ahem* would allude to the fact I was joking. Note to self: use italics.

Silverfish

Deleted User wrote: »

I was hoping the *ahem* would allude to the fact I was joking. Note to self: use italics.

Please read the charter.

Thanks.

Silverfish

Silverfish wrote: »

Please read the charter.

Thanks.

Point taken.

Going back on topic - if a woman slept with me on the first night, it wouldn't change my opinion of her whatsoever. I don't get this whole thing of someone being judged for it. It's like we're made to feel ashamed about sex and wanting to do it.

Scarinae

I think it says more about the guy than the girl if he has a big issue with it. If he's happy to have sex on the first date, then how can he judge her for doing it? It's hypocritical

AnnyHallsal

Deferring sex in the hope of retaining interest is also risky.

A number of years ago I met a guy who I dated on and off for about six months. I didn't have sex with him because I wasn't sure if I liked him enough. He pursued me for a year or so, long-distance, over the course of which I grew to really like him. We declared our passionate romantic feelings, became an item, had sex.

A few weeks later I was unceremoniously dumped. I suspect that not having sex with him fuelled his pursuit all those years.

Darlughda

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

Deferring sex in the hope of retaining interest is also risky.

A number of years ago I met a guy who I dated on and off for about six months. I didn't have sex with him because I wasn't sure if I liked him enough. He pursued me for a year or so, long-distance, over the course of which I grew to really like him. We declared our passionate romantic feelings, became an item, had sex.

A few weeks later I was unceremoniously dumped. I suspect that not having sex with him fuelled his pursuit all those years.

I agree with you Anny. Now, at this stage in my life I would have no interest in playing games. Nor, would I be interested in a man that had questionable notions of female sexuality in terms of considering certain women (who they would sleep with in a eyeblink) as sluts-or to ready to 'give it up' etc.

I have met some very nice men dating, but it wasn't until it went between the sheets, so to speak, that I could get a really strong sense of whether or not I was sexually compatible with him, or would be interested in shagging him again, let alone second date.

Personally, I am not interested in men that are too reticent to have sex. Its too much of an integral part of my life as a woman, and I have no interested in entertaining the sexual hang ups of a man, no matter how nice he may seem.

AnnyHallsal

Darlughda wrote: »

I agree with you Anny. Now, at this stage in my life I would have no interest in playing games. Nor, would I be interested in a man that had questionable notions of female sexuality in terms of considering certain women (who they would sleep with in a eyeblink) as sluts-or to ready to 'give it up' etc.

I have met some very nice men dating, but it wasn't until it went between the sheets, so to speak, that I could get a really strong sense of whether or not I was sexually compatible with him, or would be interested in shagging him again, let alone second date.

Personally, I am not interested in men that are too reticent to have sex. Its too much of an integral part of my life as a woman, and I have no interested in entertaining the sexual hang ups of a man, no matter how nice he may seem.

I think that's really noble.

Post of the day for me

I am a friend

So how long do people typically wait now?

BraziliaNZ

Not sure if blokes are allowed post in here, but i saw this thread and it intrigued me as the girl I'm seeing now, it took us quite a while to finally sleep together due to circumstances - too much alcohol, not able to see each other because of distance at the time, etc. So when she speaks of one night stands she's had etc I was getting a little annoyed as it took us a while, but then i realised i had double standards as i've done it tonnes of times and it really isn't a big deal.
I think some women have a stigma against it because that's the way it's portrayed in society, that women who sleep around, or sleep with guys they just met, are sluts. I think this stigma is just a product of male insecurities to be honest, a lot of guys just aren't comfortable with the fact that women can go out and get laid whenever they want, with whoever they want. Whereas it's ok for men. It's an equal society, or at least it's supposed to be, so none of us should have double standards. If both of you want to f**k, just f**k, and don't give a damn what others think.

LegacyUser

Darlughda wrote: »

So, the old question- What is a slut? A woman who is promiscuous? What is wrong with a woman being promiscuous?

Why would you have more respect for someone who doesn't give in?

What is giving in anyway? Giving into what? Consensual act between adults in 'giving in'? Can you explain?

To me a slut is not somebody who sleeps with lots of different men.
It is somebody who regularly, and knowingly sleeps with people who they know have serious girlfriends or wives, and who doesn't give a flying fcuk about it, or feel a single ounce of remorse for it.
A slut to me is the type who will actively try her best to seduce and lure another man away from his girlfriend, and deliberately try to break apart another relationship for their own gain, and imo they are even bigger sluts if they happen to be best friends or even sisters with the girlfriend or wife.

I know there are exceptions to this, and that sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with, and so if I had a female friend who got with a married man or a fella with a girlfriend, and the man's relationship then ended, I wouldn't really judge her or think she was a home wrecker or anything.
I would like her to at least feel some sympathy for the wife/girlfriend, but I would still want her and the man to be happy and for their new relationship to work.
The ones who piss me off are just the type who make a habit of going for unavailable men, and who don't care what misery they are part of causing.

And no I'm not missing the glaringly obvious,-that the cheating man in question would actually be the person who was most in the wrong. It's just that I'm answering what I think a slut is, and if I was describing what I think the man is, I would actually use a hell of alot more colourful language than one word, and I would have a lot worse opinions on him.

I know some people feel that the "other woman" has nothing to feel guilty about, as she is not the one who is cheating and therefore has no need for loyalty towards his girlfriend or wive, but I think that is just an easy cop out, to justify their actions.
Kind of like in the other thread where someone said that cheating men who say "all men cheat" are just trying to justify their actions.
I definitely feel that , although yes the most guilty party is the one who is actually cheating, that the person they are cheating with also has to at least acknowledge some wrong doing on their part too. They are actively partaking in something that they know if found out is going to break the heart of another human.

The ones who don't give a fcuk about who they hurt, are sluts to me.
So no, I don't think one night stands [with what the girl assumes to be a single person] are any indication of sluttiness at all.
I would think they are completely separate issues.
I don't see a problem with girls having one night stands if they are just having fun, although a lot of males seem to disagree with it-double standards.

Sorry if I maybe went a bit off topic earlier in post, just saw the question and felt like answering it, because I really don't like when a girl gets called a slut for just having sex with lots of people, or girls who have ons's, so thought I'd give my interpretation of what the word meant.

jubella

Darlughda wrote: »

So, the old question- What is a slut? A woman who is promiscuous? What is wrong with a woman being promiscuous?

Why would you have more respect for someone who doesn't give in?

What is giving in anyway? Giving into what? Consensual act between adults in 'giving in'? Can you explain?

The point I was trying to make was that sleeping with someone on a first date is different to sleeping around with different men all the time. There is nothing wrong with promiscuity, but the original post referred specifically to sex on the first date, which in my opinion is different.

I would have respect for someone who didn't give in because I always have respect for someone who sticks to their values if they have them. Just because I don't want to put it off, other people do and if they can stick to that then that's great. However I wouldn't like if that person judged me because I had a different view, or if they tried to force their view on me.

I say 'giving in' because to me, it is a temptation. If I was to put off having sex with someone, even if I was really attracted to him, it would be hard, and 'giving in' to the temptation would be much easier.

LegacyUser

Princess Peach wrote: »

My experience in saying no is that some guys, that I meet on a night out, won't ask me for my number because I didn't want to go home with them. Other guys just kind of brush past the no and we keep seeing each other. The guys that only wanted sex and nothing more, I feel didn't have much respect for me. And the guys that I went on to see again I know genuinely liked me. I didn't lose any respect for them because they tried it on the first night, I feel most guys will try it on at anytime, its the staying with you when you say no that shows they respect you!

the guys that don't want to keep talking to you once they know you are not going home with them lose marks in my book big time...where's the charm in that? the 1st time my current boyfriend wanted to try something with me i said no (he wasn't my boyfriend at the time, we were just on a night out with all our mates)...he brushed past the no and 5 and a half years later we are still together - needless to say i started saying yes haha! but if it happens on the first date/night out then so what...if it works it works if it doesn't it doesn't...if it doesn't work out and you never see/speak to the other person again it's a one night stand...so how do people view them?

seenitall

What is a slut? wrote: »

To me a slut is not somebody who sleeps with lots of different men.
It is somebody who regularly, and knowingly sleeps with people who they know have serious girlfriends or wives, and who doesn't give a flying fcuk about it, or feel a single ounce of remorse for it.
A slut to me is the type who will actively try her best to seduce and lure another man away from his girlfriend, and deliberately try to break apart another relationship for their own gain, and imo they are even bigger sluts if they happen to be best friends or even sisters with the girlfriend or wife.

I know there are exceptions to this, and that sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with, and so if I had a female friend who got with a married man or a fella with a girlfriend, and the man's relationship then ended, I wouldn't really judge her or think she was a home wrecker or anything.
I would like her to at least feel some sympathy for the wife/girlfriend, but I would still want her and the man to be happy and for their new relationship to work.
The ones who piss me off are just the type who make a habit of going for unavailable men, and who don't care what misery they are part of causing.

And no I'm not missing the glaringly obvious,-that the cheating man in question would actually be the person who was most in the wrong. It's just that I'm answering what I think a slut is, and if I was describing what I think the man is, I would actually use a hell of alot more colourful language than one word, and I would have a lot worse opinions on him.

I know some people feel that the "other woman" has nothing to feel guilty about, as she is not the one who is cheating and therefore has no need for loyalty towards his girlfriend or wive, but I think that is just an easy cop out, to justify their actions.
Kind of like in the other thread where someone said that cheating men who say "all men cheat" are just trying to justify their actions.
I definitely feel that , although yes the most guilty party is the one who is actually cheating, that the person they are cheating with also has to at least acknowledge some wrong doing on their part too. They are actively partaking in something that they know if found out is going to break the heart of another human.

The ones who don't give a fcuk about who they hurt, are sluts to me.
So no, I don't think one night stands [with what the girl assumes to be a single person] are any indication of sluttiness at all.
I would think they are completely separate issues.
I don't see a problem with girls having one night stands if they are just having fun, although a lot of males seem to disagree with it-double standards.

Sorry if I maybe went a bit off topic earlier in post, just saw the question and felt like answering it, because I really don't like when a girl gets called a slut for just having sex with lots of people, or girls who have ons's, so thought I'd give my interpretation of what the word meant.

So, according to your moral compass, the biggest sluts of all would be women with families who "regularly and knowingly" cheat on their husbands, no? As they are they are both betraying their husbands' trust and don't care what kind of misery they will cause long-term?

LegacyUser

I would be more likely to describe them in the same terms I would use to describe a husband who was cheating. And the men they were cheating with would be male sluts imo.

I used a female in my description, because this thread seemed to have become mainly about opinions on women, and the term slut seems to most commonly be applied to a female, but I would think males acting the same are just as bad, like male sluts although I know that term is rarely used.

I think I have come across wrong in my earlier post, too judgmental maybe? I don't mean to come across that way, as I mentioned I know that sometimes people who are in relationships happen to fall in love with other people, and I wouldn't think this makes them a terrible person , if they at least acknowledge the other person's feelings [only presuming that the person who got cheated on is a decent person].
I also know that sometimes people are in miserable relationships where perhaps the sex is gone,there are a lot of fights, or else have just fallen out of love, and I can understand why cheating can occur in these situations, I wouldn't think it was ok, but I would understand it.

The type I'm talking of is when one person is completely oblivious to any problems in the relationship, because there partner acts like everything is perfect, that they are really in love with the person and blissfully happy, when all the time behind their partner's back,they are screwing somebody else. who knows they have a girlfriend/boyfriend.
I've seen this happen to 2 friends, and it's heartbreaking and infuriating to see.

I would think very little of both the cheater and the person they were cheating with in this scenario.

Anyhow, I have dragged this off topic too much already. My original point was just meant to be that-NO, I don't think girl's/or fellas who have ons's are sluts.

seenitall

What is a slut? wrote: »

I would be more likely to describe them in the same terms I would use to describe a husband who was cheating. And the men they were cheating with would be male sluts imo.

Yes, yes, but what ARE those mysterious "terms" that you would use for the cheating wives and husbands, and that would, presumably, be more indicative of moral rottenness than calling someone a slut?

I wouldn't describe your attitude so much judgmental, as hypocritical. I really don't think that there is any worse term to describe someone of "loose morals" than slut. Please correct me if you think that I am wrong. (The fact that there isn't an analogous term to "slut" for a man, also speaks of the double standards in our society... that's for another thread though...)

I also apologise for going off-topic, on the other hand, this issue is not exactly the other side of the universe from the topic either.

LegacyUser

It would be a string of every type of insult under the sun, prick, bastard, bitch, cnut, ****er, bollixx, slimy, sleazebag, selfish, lying, two faced, deceptive, user, heartless, spineless, self centered, inconsiderate, devious fcuker! [and whatever else might come to mind]
Nothing that "mysterious" about them. Not sure why you wanted to know exactly what I would call someone who cheated on a person- who didn't know there was anything wrong in the relationship, and a person who stringed a person along their partner whilst sleeping with other's behind their back, whilst pretending everything was great to their partner.

I don't know why you consider me hypocritical? I don't cheat on my boyfriend, and have never knowingly been with somebody who had a girlfriend either. I also said that I think the males acting in the same way are just as bad. I would call the males sluts too, but I agree with you that I've rarely heard that term used for males. I give my interpretation of what the word means to me, and so if if a male acted in exactly the same way I described, then I would also think of them as a slut too, just because that's what the word means to me.

I agree that slut is right up there as one of the worst insults a person could get,[although I would be more hurt by being called selfish, or heartless] that is why I don't like people getting called sluts just for having sex.
I probably don't even use the term correctly, if it's supposed to be someone who just likes to have sex with people,because I never use it in that way.
In my mind it is the type of person I already described.

Darlughda

It would be great if women could start owning that word again.

Instead of considering it the worst insult you could call a woman, and fighting against ever being called it.
It would be much more empowering for women to be able to turn around and say;
'A Slut? Do you mean a women who loves sex and is good at it and is quite in demand? Yes, indeedy I certainly am one, thank you very much.'

I have actually used this tactic before. I must admit I lost all personal fear of the word/label after that.

seenitall

Oh I just needed some clarification, that's all. It seemed to me that you were coy enough about using any derogatory term to decribe cheaters (i.e. none were forthcoming until I specifically asked for them), while it seemed to be a different matter when it came to people who they happened to cheat with - that's what prompted my estimate of your attitude as hypocritical.

So, to recap, women who cheat on their husbands: bitches, cnuts, etc. Women who sleep with married and attached men: sluts. The only question that remains for me is why cheaters wouldn't be worthy at least of the very same derogatory term as the people who participate in cheating. Calling someone a "bitch" and a "cnut" is much less specific as to their sexual morals than "slut", wouldn't you agree? And surely the person who actually is betraying an OH's trust by cheating on them, would be even more deserving of that name than the person who doesn't have that kind of moral obligation and responsibility that they are betraying?

I don't particularly want to be seen as nit-picking here, and I will understand if you don't want to bother with all this word analysis any longer . It is just that I am sensitive enough about the issue of fairness when pronouncing judgment on people's actions and using derogatory terms on people, and the word "slut" is really one of my pet hates. I actually see it as one of the expressions of the mysoginist attitudes that are still very much alive in the society.

seenitall

Darlughda wrote: »

It would be great if women could start owning that word again.

Instead of considering it the worst insult you could call a woman, and fighting against ever being called it.
It would be much more empowering for women to be able to turn around and say;
'A Slut? Do you mean a women who loves sex and is good at it and is quite in demand? Yes, indeedy I certainly am one, thank you very much.'

I have actually used this tactic before. I must admit I lost all personal fear of the word/label after that.

Yeeees... were it not for the fact that the word actually sounds so gross and unpleasant*. I salute the sentiment though!

*BTW, are you aware of the fact that the composition of consonants "s" and "l" together at the beginning of the word will generally indicate something displeasing and unpleasant in the English language? Sleaze, slime, slap, slither, slate, slick...

iguana

seenitall wrote: »

*BTW, are you aware of the fact that the composition of consonants "s" and "l" together at the beginning of the word will generally indicate something displeasing and unpleasant in the English language? Sleaze, slime, slap, slither, slate, slick...

Slim, sleep, slant, slalom, sleeve, sled, sledgehammer, slide, slight, slice, sluice, sleuth, slender, slippery, slab, sliver, slowly, etc, etc. I don't see anything displeasing about any of those words. And slap, slither, slate and slick can also be used in pleasant context.

In fact after a long day it's wonderful to slide into a warm bath in my sleek new bathroom and slap about the slippery soap while slithering, slushing and sluicing about in the suds and slowly suck pieces of a big slab of chocolate. Then slip into comfy pjs (but not before admiring how slim and slender my naked body looks in this certain slant of the light) and have a slurp of my hot chocolate with a sliver, nah screw it, a great big slice of cake. Them I will slope off, sleepily to slake my tiredness with peaceful slumber, while dreaming of sleigh bells and wake tomorrow to a fresh day and a clean slate.

seenitall

iguana wrote: »

Slim, sleep, slant, slalom, sleeve, sled, sledgehammer, slide, slight, slice, sluice, sleuth, slender, slippery, slab, sliver, slowly, etc, etc. I don't see anything displeasing about any of those words. And slap, slither, slate and slick can also be used in pleasant context.

In fact after a long day it's wonderful to slide into a warm bath in my sleek new bathroom and slap about the slippery soap while slithering, slushing and sluicing about in the suds and slowly suck pieces of a big slab of chocolate. Then slip into comfy pjs (but not before admiring how slim and slender my naked body looks in this certain slant of the light) and have a slurp of my hot chocolate with a sliver, nah screw it, a great big slice of cake. Them I will slope off, sleepily to slake my tiredness with peaceful slumber, while dreaming of sleigh bells and wake tomorrow to a fresh day and a clean slate.

LOL great post

I have underlined words that could be used negatively for sure ("slippery" could be very unpleasant, and usually is in winter, "slap" is not a nice thing to get in the face, "slithering" stealthily as a snake?, to "slate" someone is not a nice thing to do to them...).

Obviously this doesn't work with all words beginning with "sl", but supposedly "sl" has the most negative-connotation words beginning with it when compared to other consonant combinations. Something I learned about many moons ago as a part of the Linguistics module of my English language and lit studies.

EDIT: anyway, the up-shot is that I don't think it is a coincidence that "slut", "slag" and "slapper" all denotate similar, "sleazy" characters... Trying to think of men-only ones now...

metrovelvet

iguana wrote: »

Slim, sleep, slant, slalom, sleeve, sled, sledgehammer, slide, slight, slice, sluice, sleuth, slender, slippery, slab, sliver, slowly, etc, etc. I don't see anything displeasing about any of those words. And slap, slither, slate and slick can also be used in pleasant context.

In fact after a long day it's wonderful to slide into a warm bath in my sleek new bathroom and slap about the slippery soap while slithering, slushing and sluicing about in the suds and slowly suck pieces of a big slab of chocolate. Then slip into comfy pjs (but not before admiring how slim and slender my naked body looks in this certain slant of the light) and have a slurp of my hot chocolate with a sliver, nah screw it, a great big slice of cake. Them I will slope off, sleepily to slake my tiredness with peaceful slumber, while dreaming of sleigh bells and wake tomorrow to a fresh day and a clean slate.

The etmology of slut means a dirty girl. With all those Ss you sounds like serpent. Are you offerring apples?

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

Oh I just needed some clarification, that's all. It seemed to me that you were coy enough about using any derogatory term to decribe cheaters (i.e. none were forthcoming until I specifically asked for them), while it seemed to be a different matter when it came to people who they happened to cheat with - that's what prompted my estimate of your attitude as hypocritical.

So, to recap, women who cheat on their husbands: bitches, cnuts, etc. Women who sleep with married and attached men: sluts. The only question that remains for me is why cheaters wouldn't be worthy at least of the very same derogatory term as the people who participate in cheating. Calling someone a "bitch" and a "cnut" is much less specific as to their sexual morals than "slut", wouldn't you agree? And surely the person who actually is betraying an OH's trust by cheating on them, would be even more deserving of that name than the person who doesn't have that kind of moral obligation and responsibility that they are betraying?

I don't particularly want to be seen as nit-picking here, and I will understand if you don't want to bother with all this word analysis any longer . It is just that I am sensitive enough about the issue of fairness when pronouncing judgment on people's actions and using derogatory terms on people, and the word "slut" is really one of my pet hates. I actually see it as one of the expressions of the mysoginist attitudes that are still very much alive in the society.

Yeah you could definitely call the person who is doing the betraying a slut too. I don't know why I differentiate them the way I do.
I guess I think that some of the insults I listed are more hurtful than the word slut, and I would use them for a cheater as I would believe that the person cheating is the person most in the wrong.
To the other person involved in the cheating, I would use the term slut-almost as if I thought so little of them, that I could just be dismissive of them in one single word, and wouldn't be arsed to go to the trouble of giving them detailed insults, because I thought so little of them.

Even reading this back doesn't make huge sense, I said I think the worst, of the people who are actually cheating, so you are right-they should also be thought of as sluts [because I think so little of them too] following my own weird logic.

I found what you wrote about the sl sound interesting, [although I do love the word sleep] :-)
I think you could be right about the word being linked to misogyny, and I know that as a female I should probably never think of another female in the term slut, but I do use it for males too, and I would have to really REALLY dislike the person.
Not an excuse though, and so I do try to think of other words, or else just say nothing-but unfortunately that word does pop into my head occasionally.
There was another thread here a while back about how insults of women are so widely used, even in a joking sense like "bitch", "cow" etc., it was a good thread. I think it will take a long time for them to leave our common place insults though, but they might someday.

Anyhow, I'm rambling on and on again so I'll stop now. Heading out shortly so may come back to check this thread tomorrow. :-)


(Btw, I don't go around like a crazy person calling random people sluts etc! :-), I usually keep my mouth shut, but might have that opinion in my head of someone, I've never actually said that insult to any female [I did to a male once, and got laughed at], and I wouldn't ever either, unless it was somebody that affected me directly]

metrovelvet

I like the word slut.

Vinta81

Sure why not.

elleburp

Darlughda wrote: »

It would be great if women could start owning that word again.

Instead of considering it the worst insult you could call a woman, and fighting against ever being called it.
It would be much more empowering for women to be able to turn around and say;
'A Slut? Do you mean a women who loves sex and is good at it and is quite in demand? Yes, indeedy I certainly am one, thank you very much.'

I have actually used this tactic before. I must admit I lost all personal fear of the word/label after that.

I like it. I'm gonna use that next time I'm berating myself for having sex on a first date.

TBH I lose some respect for the guy if we've gone to bed on the first date. I suppose it's backward double standards (half standards?) or some committmentphobic mechanism not to let myself get involved, just in case.

Anyway, slut or not the moral issue is something that bothers me. I'd rather be a slut than a thief or a scumbag anyday, there are way more important morals than sex imo

Dudess

God, I think it's totally hot to be so attracted to someone you want to jump them immediately (not talking about drunken one night stands btw :pac:) - and a recipe for fantastic sex!

beks101

Sometimes I think the world forgets that single women get horny too, ya know. It's not a domain that's reserved simply for men or those in relationships.

Sometimes you meet someone and as Dudess said, you just want to jump their bones, the feeling's mutual and it's a done deal. Sometimes it results in mindblowing sex, other times it's a drunken fumble, an awkward encounter, a fleeting moment of passion, a one night stand, whatever. It's just sex. It can be the beginning of something new or living in the moment; something amazing or simply scratching an itch, but it's just sex. We all need it, most of us enjoy it, so why judge other people on their willingness to indulge in it?
I mean assuming it's two single parties, it's consensual, it's protected, no third party is getting hurt...

If I'm on a first date with someone I'm really attracted to, all's going well, the chemistry is right and I want to go home with him...in a way it's always going to be a risk. There's always a risk that he has a Madonna-Whore complex and is going to judge me on something that he has equally been a party to, or that the sex will be crap, or that I'll never hear from him again for whatever reason, or that it's good for one night but there's nowhere further to take it. But I like sex and I'm a big girl, I'm not going to fall in love with someone after one night under the sheets with him so I'll get over it.

La frog fairy

well i wouldnt usually sleep with someone on the first date, not because i would be worry about what he thinks of me if i did, but mostly because i would want to know him better

Having say that, the only 2 times I did, it ended up being my 2 longest relationship.
Looking back i never thought i would end up in a relationship with them but i did got crush at first sight ense why i did it on the night.

I have a flatemate tho, who is the "lamb" looking girl, from the country side and if you would put her and i on a night out you could think im the one who would go home with a guy on the first night only because im chatty and social and she comes up as reserve, in reality its the total oposite, she has brought home total stangers randomly met on night out, and slept with them and later on took pregnancies test, im talking 3 guys, 2 tests in 2 months! she has a mind that its the way to go and get herself a bf.

Needless to say she has not seen those guys again

ONS is fine if both people are into each other, wants to do it for what is worth with no expectations but be careful

There a point everyone is missing in this... Dudess kinda hit on it a bit and its this.

Its grand for everyone to be comfortable with this

but

If thats the case then the drunken young women with low self esteems, who doesn't like herself enough to make good choices and who sleeps with any and every drunken young fella she meets at the local night club in the hopes it might make him go out with her.

Is the same as

The secure confident mature woman who is exploring her sexuality.

People aren't talking about the same thing when they talk about one night stands.

before anyone says it ...I am not judging anyone each to there own i say.

Faith

I was thinking about this earlier, and was wondering: Do you think the type of sex makes a difference? I suppose I'm really looking for male perspectives here, so may post it in tGC as well, but would guys be less inclined to see a girl as relationship potential based on what type of sex they had? Say romantic, intimate sex versus dirty, wild sex. I would guess hypothesise that "dirty" sex could lead to the girl being seen as little more than a sexual object, much like a porn star. But then again, the guy could just be delighted that he's met someone who's very uninhibited. Whereas the "romantic" sex girl could be seen as a better long-term bet, but could also perhaps be perceived as being boring and inhibited.

I'm very interested in answers to this!

iguana

Faith wrote: »

I was thinking about this earlier, and was wondering: Do you think the type of sex makes a difference? I suppose I'm really looking for male perspectives here, so may post it in tGC as well, but would guys be less inclined to see a girl as relationship potential based on what type of sex they had? Say romantic, intimate sex versus dirty, wild sex. I would guess hypothesise that "dirty" sex could lead to the girl being seen as little more than a sexual object, much like a porn star. But then again, the guy could just be delighted that he's met someone who's very uninhibited. Whereas the "romantic" sex girl could be seen as a better long-term bet, but could also perhaps be perceived as being boring and inhibited.

I'm very interested in answers to this!

I think it's down to the individual in question. My husband and I had damn "dirty" sex on our first date.