Losing your virginity

LegacyUser

Hi Ladies I was just wondering what your thoughts were on your first time. I recently only lost my virginity to a guy I am seeing and was curious to see the comments, stories and feelings behind yours are if you are willing to share.

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?
Did you enjoy it?
Do you regret it?
How did it effect your life afterwards?

Wibbs

OK folks, let's keep this discussion out of the xxx territory

Penny Dreadful

Sparklesky wrote: »

Hi Ladies I was just wondering what your thoughts were on your first time. I recently only lost my virginity to a guy I am seeing and was curious to see the comments, stories and feelings behind yours are if you are willing to share.

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?
Did you enjoy it?
Do you regret it?
How did it effect your life afterwards?

• Wasn't in a relationship with them.
• Didn't enjoy it more so thought "Is that it?"
• Didn't regret it, it was what it was.
• Didn't affect my life afterward really.

Xiney

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?
Yes, and yes, we're celebrating 5 years married in a few weeks.
Did you enjoy it?
Yes
Do you regret it?
No
How did it effect your life afterwards?
Well, it added an entire new thing that I could do with my free time...

Malari

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

• Wasn't in a relationship with them.
• Didn't enjoy it more so thought "Is that it?"
• Didn't regret it, it was what it was.
• Didn't affect my life afterward really.

Pretty much this. I didn't regret it, it was my idea. He was a friend and we had a 2 night stand. It was not a big event in my life. I think most people put way too much emphasis on how they lose their virginity.

LegacyUser

Losing my virginity to a man that would made me end up in hospital two years later was not a good idea. If I could go back, I would run a mile from him.....

Princess Peach

I was in a relationship, not with him anymore

I did enjoy it. Not so much enjoyed it as physically, but more emotionally if you get me. He was really great and made sure I was comfortable and feeling good about it.

I don't regret it. You have to lose it sometime and even though I'm not with him anymore, it was a good experience.

It changed my life as in I started having sex with my boyfriend regularly I guess. Maybe did make me feel a bit sexier and more confident in myself.

Asphyxia

I was on and off with this guy for awhile when it happened I am not with him now but we are still great friends. I did enjoy it and definitely don't regret it at all because I got a lot more confident from it there was no pressure involved. As Princess Peach said you have to loose it sometime and I am glad that it was like that. Didn't have much effect on me later in life I was just a lot happier with myself and my body.

Novella

I was in a relationship with him, yup. Not together anymore but we still have a chat every so often.

Did I enjoy it? Hell no. I was really nervous and it was painful. I felt like every time he moved, he was gonna split me in two and I cried. Nice.

I wouldn't say I regret it. I was crazy about the guy at the time, but looking back... it was just wrong. I was too young, jeez even he was too young and he was two years older than I. I didn't realise the importance of my first time, and I guess I kinda threw it away and wish I had nicer memories to associate with it.

As for how it effected my life afterwards... I guess because I lost my virginity young and because we didn't make a big deal out of it, my attitude to sex was somewhat blasé. (It's not anymore.)

Malari

Novella wrote: »

I didn't realise the importance of my first time, and I guess I kinda threw it away and wish I had nicer memories to associate with it.

This is what I meant in my post. What IS the importance of your first time? What if you just do some peripherals (you know what I mean, don't want to get a triple x rating from Wibbs) - is it important how that is done for the first time? First time you orgasm? First time not in missionary position?

Because you can do a lot and still strictly speaking be called a virgin.

I think it's associated with the old obsession that people have of "how many partners have you had?" I mean if I count up, do I include some guys I spent a lot of time in bed with but didn't really have full sex? And you may only have had a quickie with someone once, so do both of these equate to just one partner you've actually slept with?

Pembily

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them? - feck no, it was a one night stand with a guy I knew!

Did you enjoy it? - not really!!!

Do you regret it? - meh not really, sometimes I wish I had waited for the next guy but you can't change the past!!!

How did it effect your life afterwards? - meant I was more prepared for the second time which was 2 weeks later at my grad with a guy I was kinda kissing and it was so good, prefer to think of that as my first time!!!!

Novella

Malari wrote: »

This is what I meant in my post. What IS the importance of your first time? What if you just do some peripherals (you know what I mean, don't want to get a triple x rating from Wibbs) - is it important how that is done for the first time? First time you orgasm? First time not in missionary position?

Because you can do a lot and still strictly speaking be called a virgin.

I think it's associated with the old obsession that people have of "how many partners have you had?" I mean if I count up, do I include some guys I spent a lot of time in bed with but didn't really have full sex? And you may only have had a quickie with someone once, so do both of these equate to just one partner you've actually slept with?

I meant I didn't realise the importance to me. I'm sure some people don't see it as all that important at all. It's just sex is a big deal to me and at the time when I lost my virginity, I don't think I was mature enough really to understand. I was just dying to be old, and that's not the best reason to sleep with someone. I wish my first time was because I really wanted it, I wish it was more about being so close to someone that I was gonna share with him my body for the very first time... as opposed to what it was, which when it boiled down to it was peer pressure.

I remember the first time I did 'some peripherals'. :P That was wrong for me too. It's because I did all of these things not out of pure want or desire, but because I never felt it was okay to say no. I started going out with my first boyfriend when I was about thirteen/fourteen and we went out for a couple of years. At that age, it was seriously long-term relationship and people presumed we were sexually active. I suppose I felt if I admitted I wasn't ready, I'd be seen as weird. Tbh, I don't even think it hit me that I wasn't ready. It was only years later when I genuinely developed an interest in having sex etc.

The first time I ever had sex wasn't in the missionary position. The first time I had sex was sort of cold really. I didn't orgasm, never with that guy in fact, so sex and all things to do with it was always just about him getting off. I didn't exactly form the opinion that sex was just for the guys benefit because I mean, I read magazines and stuff so I knew that women enjoyed it too... but for a long time, sex for me was just, 'Pretend you like it, it'll be over soon'.

That's why I wish I'd waited. Although at the same time, I've learned a lot through the experiences I've had sex-wise. Sure, it took a long, long time but finally I discovered what sex meant to me and I know I'd never ever have sex again because I felt I had to. So that's what I meant about the importance of sex - it coloured my view of it for a long time, and negatively.

Malari

Novella wrote: »

I meant I didn't realise the importance to me. I'm sure some people don't see it as all that important at all. It's just sex is a big deal to me and at the time when I lost my virginity, I don't think I was mature enough really to understand. I was just dying to be old, and that's not the best reason to sleep with someone. I wish my first time was because I really wanted it, I wish it was more about being so close to someone that I was gonna share with him my body for the very first time... as opposed to what it was, which when it boiled down to it was peer pressure.

I remember the first time I did 'some peripherals'. :P That was wrong for me too. It's because I did all of these things not out of pure want or desire, but because I never felt it was okay to say no. I started going out with my first boyfriend when I was about thirteen/fourteen and we went out for a couple of years. At that age, it was seriously long-term relationship and people presumed we were sexually active. I suppose I felt if I admitted I wasn't ready, I'd be seen as weird. Tbh, I don't even think it hit me that I wasn't ready. It was only years later when I genuinely developed an interest in having sex etc.

The first time I ever had sex wasn't in the missionary position. The first time I had sex was sort of cold really. I didn't orgasm, never with that guy in fact, so sex and all things to do with it was always just about him getting off. I didn't exactly form the opinion that sex was just for the guys benefit because I mean, I read magazines and stuff so I knew that women enjoyed it too... but for a long time, sex for me was just, 'Pretend you like it, it'll be over soon'.

That's why I wish I'd waited. Although at the same time, I've learned a lot through the experiences I've had sex-wise. Sure, it took a long, long time but finally I discovered what sex meant to me and I know I'd never ever have sex again because I felt I had to. So that's what I meant about the importance of sex - it coloured my view of it for a long time, and negatively.

Thanks, your post makes a lot of sense and I guess some people feel very differently about sex. The guy I slept with didn't ask about whether it was my first time, and I don't know if it was his either. I suspect it was though. I got the feeling I was running things.

But it never mattered to me about waiting to "share my body with someone". For me that would have been the first time someone saw me naked. Or "the peripherals" would have been just as much of an occasion. I guess I know how much enjoyment you can get out of sex and that's why I cringe when I hear girls saying things like they want to hold on to their virginity for as long as they can to wait for that someone special. You can still have that special connection with someone regardless of whether your hymen has previously been broken. In fact, it will probably be better.

To me it's like saying "I'm not going on holiday until I find my dream holiday that I've always wanted". Just go for that break in rainy Glasgow/camping in Kerry/building site in Majorca and learn from your experience and holidays will probably get better and one day you'll have the dream 2 weeks in the Caribbean, or whatever floats your boat.

Life is so short and I hate hearing people deny themselves things they should be enjoying.

Snoopy1

Totally regret losing mine at 15, to a scumbag who thought it would be good to hit me and cheat on me, and told me no-one else would fancy me.
Wish id listened to my mum and waited. He totally messed up my head, and i still have the attitude sometimes that sex is going to make me feel better about myself, which it never does!!

xxshebeexx

Malari wrote: »

To me it's like saying "I'm not going on holiday until I find my dream holiday that I've always wanted". Just go for that break in rainy Glasgow/camping in Kerry/building site in Majorca and learn from your experience and holidays will probably get better and one day you'll have the dream 2 weeks in the Caribbean, or whatever floats your boat.

That is a really good way of looking at it! I like that!

Hiding this in case of triggers

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

No. All my friends fancied him at school for years but I couldn't stand him. It was on a night out, he convinced my friend and I to go with him. It was stupid, of course. It was giving into pressure really; he was slapping me and calling me names - I felt I didn't have a choice.

Did you enjoy it?

No. I didn't want to be doing it.

Do you regret it?

Absolutely. It was only later that I began to realise how much, when I met my first (and current) boyfriend.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

A lot. I felt dirty and used and I shut it out for a long time afterwards. I wouldn't let any guy near me for months and months. When it came to being intimate with my boyfriend, a year later, it was hard. He was a virgin and I wanted it to be my first time too. Emotionally it was. We both find it hard to talk about my "first" time. I don't even know whether to count it really. It's gotten a bit easier to talk about it and think about it but I still get quite upset thinking about it, even though it's been nearly two years now. It's had a really big, negative effect on me, my confidence and my ability to get close to people.

Chuchoter

Although as some people have mentioned bad experiences which obviously are definitely important, I think people put too much emphasis on their 'first time' and its importance. Sure it'd be nice if it was good but its not the be all and end all. I was in religion the other day and my teacher was talking about how we should all be waiting until marriage and if you didn't wait until marriage you were too stupid to make decisions for yourself/you were worthless without your virginity/etc. It was all highly offensive and I got really pissed off with her (making myself sound like a giant slut, but I'm actually still a virgin, so maybe I'm unqualified to talk about all this), as if your virginity was the only thing valuable about you as a woman. Just because you have sex with someone doesn't means he owns a part of you.

Princess Peach

Malari wrote: »

But it never mattered to me about waiting to "share my body with someone". For me that would have been the first time someone saw me naked. Or "the peripherals" would have been just as much of an occasion. I guess I know how much enjoyment you can get out of sex and that's why I cringe when I hear girls saying things like they want to hold on to their virginity for as long as they can to wait for that someone special. You can still have that special connection with someone regardless of whether your hymen has previously been broken. In fact, it will probably be better.

To me it's like saying "I'm not going on holiday until I find my dream holiday that I've always wanted". Just go for that break in rainy Glasgow/camping in Kerry/building site in Majorca and learn from your experience and holidays will probably get better and one day you'll have the dream 2 weeks in the Caribbean, or whatever floats your boat.

Life is so short and I hate hearing people deny themselves things they should be enjoying.

I disagree with this. Sex means more to me than having a good time. I knew sex was going to feel good before I lost my virginity, but that really wasn't much of a motivation for me to just go out and do it. I wanted to wait for a guy who I felt comfortable with to be naked and vulnerable, and who would care about me and be considerate. It was also that I wanted it to be with a boyfriend, who I knew wouldn't leave me straight afterwards. And I really cared for this guy, and wanted to share this with him. I was old enough when I lost my virginity but I dont regret waiting at all, because all I missed out on would have been one night stands or sleeping with boyfriends that turned out to be bad guys anyway. Of course my first time with my boyfriend would have been better if it was not my first time, which was a little awkward and painful, but the point was that it was one time and after that we really got to know each other, and what we liked and it was really great.

And even now that I've started having sex I still don't just do it because it feels good. Yes I do get urges, but I'm still not going to go home with a stranger for just that reason. Thats just not something I like. I've only slept with guys that I was in relationships with, and I think thats better for me. Yes I would probably enjoy myself, but emotionally I prefer to sleep with someone special. Maybe I am denying myself some pleasure, but sex is about more than that for me.

Faith

Malari wrote: »

Pretty much this. I didn't regret it, it was my idea. He was a friend and we had a 2 night stand. It was not a big event in my life. I think most people put way too much emphasis on how they lose their virginity.

Mine was much the same. I was fairly old when I lost my virginity, but that was mostly due to crippling insecurity that hit at about 18. I had plenty of opportunities but I never did anything. Then one night a while later, I was out with friends, absolutely hammered, bumped into an old friend of mine who I had a history with, and we had sex. I never mentioned it was my first time. I had a great time with no regrets!

A while later I would meet the guy who went on to be my first love and christ was I glad I'd gotten my virginity out of the way by the time I met him. It meant we could just go straight into having fantastic sex without waiting, or me having an awkward conversation.

Malari wrote: »

To me it's like saying "I'm not going on holiday until I find my dream holiday that I've always wanted". Just go for that break in rainy Glasgow/camping in Kerry/building site in Majorca and learn from your experience and holidays will probably get better and one day you'll have the dream 2 weeks in the Caribbean, or whatever floats your boat.

Life is so short and I hate hearing people deny themselves things they should be enjoying.

That's actually a great analogy that I completely agree with!

Novella

crayolastereo wrote: »

Although as some people have mentioned bad experiences which obviously are definitely important, I think people put too much emphasis on their 'first time' and its importance. Sure it'd be nice if it was good but its not the be all and end all. I was in religion the other day and my teacher was talking about how we should all be waiting until marriage and if you didn't wait until marriage you were too stupid to make decisions for yourself/you were worthless without your virginity/etc. It was all highly offensive and I got really pissed off with her (making myself sound like a giant slut, but I'm actually still a virgin, so maybe I'm unqualified to talk about all this), as if your virginity was the only thing valuable about you as a woman. Just because you have sex with someone doesn't means he owns a part of you.

Tbh, I don't think it's that some people put too much emphasis on their first time. To some people, it just is important and ya know what? That's okay.

Maybe some people wait because they want it to be good, but I imagine that's not what the majority wait for at all. Perhaps they just want it to be the best it could be for them, and that might involve waiting and finding someone they're comfortable with or in love with or whatever it is that they need.

Virginity obviously isn't the only valuable thing a woman has... because men have it too at some stage. It is valuable to some women though, and to some men too, and that is to be respected. As, of course, is the choice not to wait.

Pembily

Malari wrote: »

But it never mattered to me about waiting to "share my body with someone". For me that would have been the first time someone saw me naked. Or "the peripherals" would have been just as much of an occasion.

To me it's like saying "I'm not going on holiday until I find my dream holiday that I've always wanted". Just go for that break in rainy Glasgow/camping in Kerry/building site in Majorca and learn from your experience and holidays will probably get better and one day you'll have the dream 2 weeks in the Caribbean, or whatever floats your boat.

Life is so short and I hate hearing people deny themselves things they should be enjoying.

Totally agree, you can't experience the best until you have had the worst (IMO)...

crayolastereo wrote: »

I was in religion the other day and my teacher was talking about how we should all be waiting until marriage and if you didn't wait until marriage you were too stupid to make decisions for yourself/you were worthless without your virginity/etc. It was all highly offensive and I got really pissed off with her (making myself sound like a giant slut, but I'm actually still a virgin, so maybe I'm unqualified to talk about all this), as if your virginity was the only thing valuable about you as a woman.

Its not the be all and end all, I rarely ever think about my first time - it happened, it didn't drastically change my life and it didn't affect my life in anyway what so ever... I was a bit upset after cause he was a dick head but it didn't scar me!!!!

I get really p!ssed when people judge people who have sex for sex and frown on people who have sex outside relationships...

crayolastereo wrote: »

Just because you have sex with someone doesn't means he owns a part of you.

So very very true

LegacyUser

Mod Note: The following post contains content that may be upsetting.

Xiney

i was almost 18

it was in someone else's house at a house party, with a guy i had only met that night.we had not kissed or even flirted

i was sleeping over in the house.

he raped me in someone elses house when everyone else was asleep, holding his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet

he then fell asleep beside me, and i was so fcuking paralysed from fear and shock that i stayed in the bed, didnt, couldnt, get out, so had to face him in the morning.

he acted like nothing had happened.

he hadnt used a condom, so i had the worry of STDs on top of everything else

i went to A&E, to get the morning after pill... i didnt want to tell them what happened as i didnt want the guards involved, so i just said i needed the MAP, and the triage nurse treated me as if i was a stupid young girl who needed to just cop on

i didnt tell anyone, as it would have absolutely killed my parents, they would have been devastated

it was the week i started college - unsurprisingly, i failed all my exams that year and ended up repeating

it totally changed my attitude to sex............ prior to this i had thought that i'd only ever have sex within a relationship, that i wouldnt be a ONS kinda person, as i thought that sex was special and loving etc

but to cope with what had happened, i had to keep telling myself that sex was nothing special, nothing loving, just a physical act. that it was nothing important. cause if i kept thinking of the enormity of what had actually happened, i would have cracked up.

so now, still, i treat sex as nothing special. i have ONSs, casual sex etc. i've even slept with married men, as i just rationalise it as not a big deal (btw, im not proud of this)

but, what has also happened is that in the relationships i've had, i dont and cant see sex as intimate and loving, despite the best attempts of the men in question. its like sneezing to me, something i get an urge to do every now and again. thats all.


(sorry to have put a downer on the thread. and please, dont advice me to go for counselling, or to the guards etc, ive made a decision im not going to do that. yes, that decision will have implications for the rest o fmy life, but its the best decision for me now.)

Ruby-J

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them? NOPE wasnt in a relationship with them.

Did you enjoy it? Yes it was new and exciting and he was older then me by 8 years so had more experience.

Do you regret it? Nope i waited until i was 18 and was ready i felt.

How did it effect your life afterwards? I wanted sex often haha

Contessa Raven

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Yep. He was my first boyfriend. We're still together now 3 and a half years later.

Did you enjoy it?

I did. It was special. It felt good and there was no pain.

Do you regret it?

No. I waited until I was totally ready and knew it was right. It was his first time too. It couldn't have gone better.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

Our relationship became a physical sexual relationship but otherwise, my life isn't different.

squeakyduck

Were you in a relationship with person? I was, not anymore

Did you enjoy it? I said it did at the time, but looking back it hurt like hell and we didn't do it in the nicest of places, but it was pretty cool all the same.

Do you regret it? nah, it had to go.

How did it effect your life afterwards? When I had partners after this I could let loose and understand sex without the boundaries of love, learn what it was like to have a one night stand or just a quick hook up. That was more fun than loosing my "v" card in the first place!

Malari

Princess Peach wrote: »

I disagree with this. Sex means more to me than having a good time. I knew sex was going to feel good before I lost my virginity, but that really wasn't much of a motivation for me to just go out and do it. I wanted to wait for a guy who I felt comfortable with to be naked and vulnerable, and who would care about me and be considerate. It was also that I wanted it to be with a boyfriend, who I knew wouldn't leave me straight afterwards. And I really cared for this guy, and wanted to share this with him. I was old enough when I lost my virginity but I dont regret waiting at all, because all I missed out on would have been one night stands or sleeping with boyfriends that turned out to be bad guys anyway. Of course my first time with my boyfriend would have been better if it was not my first time, which was a little awkward and painful, but the point was that it was one time and after that we really got to know each other, and what we liked and it was really great.

Fair enough, everyone sees it differently.

Princess Peach wrote: »

And even now that I've started having sex I still don't just do it because it feels good. Yes I do get urges, but I'm still not going to go home with a stranger for just that reason. Thats just not something I like. I've only slept with guys that I was in relationships with, and I think thats better for me. Yes I would probably enjoy myself, but emotionally I prefer to sleep with someone special. Maybe I am denying myself some pleasure, but sex is about more than that for me.

Just because I didn't hold out for a special relationship to have sex for the first time doesn't mean I sleep with anyone and everyone in some sort of hedonistic haze! I've never had a one night stand with a stranger and all of my sexual encounters since the first have been with guys I'm in a relationship with. I just don't build it up. I slept with my boyfriend a couple of days after getting together because we both wanted to. I remember one friend being shocked when I mentioned I was going to stay in his place after a night out two weeks later! Anyway, we are still together 5 years later and have good sex.

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry to read about your ordeal Unreggedmiss

lilmissprincess

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Yeah, and no, we broke up a few weeks later.

Did you enjoy it?
I had to ask was it in yet... so no...


Do you regret it?

yes. I somewhat count my next boyfriend as my first time because it felt more right. I think at the time it was just that I was 16 and wanted to try it.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

Not much...

SHH

Haven't lost it yet...

cactuspaw

Sparklesky wrote: »

Hi Ladies I was just wondering what your thoughts were on your first time. I recently only lost my virginity to a guy I am seeing and was curious to see the comments, stories and feelings behind yours are if you are willing to share.

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?
Did you enjoy it?
Do you regret it?
How did it effect your life afterwards?

• yes, but not very long into it at the time and no, all over now.
• it was "meh". not hudgely exciting, but not awful.
• not at all. Im glad it was him and not sombody else.
• hasnt really.

akamossy

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Nope, I wasn't. We were seeing each other on and off but no relationship!

Did you enjoy it?

Not really, it hurt and wasn't particularly all that special.

Do you regret it?

Yes, I kind of do regretted. I wish I had waited.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

Hasn't affected my life at all as such really. I don't tend to think about it. I went on to fall in love and realise what meaningful sex feels like so I don't see the point in dwelling on something that was years ago and that I can't change.

ztoical

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

No and no - we worked in the same place, wasn't planned, had a work night out [actually ever night was a work night out , ah to be a student again] he crashed at mine as he was in work first thing the next morning and I lived nearest the job and had a spare room for awhile, alot of people use to crash by mine for that reason so that wasn't odd in anyway. We stuck a film on, started kissing and went from there.


Did you enjoy it?

I guess, honestly it was a while ago so don't really recall. Wasn't earth moving or anything but wasn't awful or scaring either.

Do you regret it?

Nope it was what it was.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

Honestly? it didn't. Wait no thats lie I learned an important lesson that has stuck with me...Never have sex on carpet....ever!!!

pinkheels88

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Nope, I wasn't. It was a ONS when I was 16.

Did you enjoy it?

Nope. I think I kind of just wanted to get it over and done with. How stupid does that sound? It was the weekend after I got my JC results.

Do you regret it?

Yes, I do regret it. I wish I had waited until I was in a relationship. I met my future boyfriend of 5 years soon after (now my ex) and I always regretted that he wasn't my first. I'm not sure why I lied to him, but he still thinks that I lost my virginity to him. He lost his to me.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

Still to this day I feel a bit guilty about it. But as many of you have said, you can't change the past. I'm single since Feburary and I feel kind of ashamed of the amount of guys I've slept with since then, the majority being ONS. It's not a huge number or anything, but after being in a relationship for 5 years, it's hard to seperate sex from feelings.

starlit

SHH wrote: »

Haven't lost it yet...

+ 1 on that!

Konata

I'm sorry to hear about your experience unreggedmiss. I know exactly how you feel because I ended up in a similiar situation.

My first time to have sex was when I was 19. I'd had opportunities before then but I wasn't ready and I wanted to wait. Sex was important to me.

Unfortunately, I lost my virginity to one of my best friends when he raped me. I was drunk and he was drunk but I told him no. He didn't listen. He wore a condom but used vaseline as lube and I was terrified it wasn't on properly so I went to get the morning after pill. I had never felt so ashamed in my life.

At the time I considered it a "semi rape", in that I hadn't done enough to stop him and I blamed myself. I became desensitized to sex and slept with another guy very soon afterwards. I didn't respect myself anymore.

After many months and counselling, I realised that it WAS rape and it wasn't my fault. This was a huge relief because I didn't feel like I'd been a dirty slut anymore.

So yes, I regret my first time but luckily, I no longer allow my first 2 experiences of sex to cloud my opinion of it. Sex is still special to me and, what I consider to be my first time, when I was in a proper relationship, was great

The Big Red Button

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

I was eighteen and I was with him for around two or three months at the time, we ended up going out together for about a year altogether, on and off.

Did you enjoy it?

Yeah. We were drunk, but we'd talked about it plenty before it happened. It wasn't mindblowing, seeing as neither of us knew what we were at (it was his first time too), but it was lovely!

Do you regret it?

Never. Wouldn't change anything!

How did it effect your life afterwards?

I don't think it did, really. It wasn't really that big a deal for either of us. We were both happy that it happened, and we were both happy with how it happened. I mean, sex isn't really all that big a deal. I'd like to think that, even if the first time had been crap and horrible, that it wouldn't have affected my life all that much anyways.

BizzyLizzie

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Kinda... He ''didn't want to label it'' :rolleyes: even though it was his idea not to see other people :mad: We broke up a few weeks later Still 'friends' though... at times :P

Did you enjoy it?

Meh. Didn't really feel much to be honest!

Do you regret it?

Nope

How did it effect your life afterwards?

It didn't make any difference whatsoever. Maybe I felt like a little weight was lifted and maybe a little more grown up, but that was it.

LisaLee

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Yes, we were in a relationship, not together now though.

Did you enjoy it?

Nope, it didn't last very long to be honest!

Do you regret it?

A little bit.

How did it effect your life afterwards?

I knew it could only get better!

Piste

unreggedmiss wrote: »

(sorry to have put a downer on the thread. and please, dont advice me to go for counselling, or to the guards etc, ive made a decision im not going to do that. yes, that decision will have implications for the rest o fmy life, but its the best decision for me now.)[/spoiler]

Unless you catch a lifelong STI or get pregnant from casual sex, it wont necessarily have implication for the rest of your life. If you start to feel uncomfortable with having loads of casual sex, then you can stop and only have sex within relationships. If it's the best decision for you at the moment then that's fine, but it's not as if it's a decision that can't ever be reversed. I know you say sex isn't a big deal, but the fact that you think having casual sex will have lifelong implications for you leads me to think otherwise.

panda100

Unreggedmiss, I'm really sorry that your first experience of sex was so,so awful. I know you don't want the advice but personally, If I had gone through something like that and not received counselling I would have cracked up at this stage. Must be difficult dealing with something like that by yourself.

Were you in a relationship with the person?

We had been seeing each other for a year and a half, though it wasn't a serious relationship. I was 21,he was a hunky footballer that loads of girls fancied,I couldn't control myself around him any longer! Lost it in the exotic location of Belgrove in UCD

Did you enjoy it?
It was a bit uncomfortable at first.I enjoyed the closeness but I didn't orgasm or the heavens didn't open or anyhing like that.

Do you regret it
No.Not at all. It was the right time and with the right person.

How did it effect your life afterwards?
Didn't have much an effect on my life really.

LegacyUser

Piste wrote: »

Unless you catch a lifelong STI or get pregnant from casual sex, it wont necessarily have implication for the rest of your life. If you start to feel uncomfortable with having loads of casual sex, then you can stop and only have sex within relationships. If it's the best decision for you at the moment then that's fine, but it's not as if it's a decision that can't ever be reversed. I know you say sex isn't a big deal, but the fact that you think having casual sex will have lifelong implications for you leads me to think otherwise.

to be honest, i find this post extremely unhelpful (and quite patronising and annoying)

you have jumped to the conclusion that it is my attitude to sex i am bothered about, or the fact that i have causal sex (btw, i never said i have "loads" of casual sex, in fact i dont)

its not sex, or my attitude to it im bothered about

i dont care about sex

the decision i have made that has lifelong implications for me is the decision about the guards and counselling

the reason i say that decision has lifelong implications is this- regularly, i find myself thinking about this man, i can still see him, hear him, smell him.
i wonder what he is doing - has he raped another woman? or women? have other people been attacked, and if so, could i have prevented that by going to the guards? (and yes, i know all the stats about successful rape prosecutions) theres a huge level of guilt there that wont go away.

but then, i look at my parents who are now quite elderly, and i am glad they never got to know what happened me. but still, i resent them for it. when i failed first year in college, all i heard was what a disappointment i was, how i let them down, i was throwing away my education etc etc and i longed to scream at them and tell them what happened

most days, i mull over my decision about the guards.

re counselling, i feel they would push me towards the guards... maybe they wouldnt but thats my perception of it


maybe counselling would help me deal with the duilty feelings i have about prosecution, but i am not prepared to go there.

if that means experiencing those feelings for teh rest of my life, well then, so be it

thats what i meant

Konata

unreggedmiss wrote: »

the reason i say that decision has lifelong implications is this- regularly, i find myself thinking about this man, i can still see him, hear him, smell him.
i wonder what he is doing - has he raped another woman? or women? have other people been attacked, and if so, could i have prevented that by going to the guards? (and yes, i know all the stats about successful rape prosecutions) theres a huge level of guilt there that wont go away.

but then, i look at my parents who are now quite elderly, and i am glad they never got to know what happened me. but still, i resent them for it. when i failed first year in college, all i heard was what a disappointment i was, how i let them down, i was throwing away my education etc etc and i longed to scream at them and tell them what happened

most days, i mull over my decision about the guards.

re counselling, i feel they would push me towards the guards... maybe they wouldnt but thats my perception of it


maybe counselling would help me deal with the duilty feelings i have about prosecution, but i am not prepared to go there.

if that means experiencing those feelings for teh rest of my life, well then, so be it

thats what i meant

I know this is slightly off topic but since I can't PM you I'll have to say it here.

I understand that it's your choice not to see a counsellor or the guards but I'd like to give you my experience on the issue I chose not to go to the guards either, mainly because I didn't realise it was rape at the time but even now I'm happy with that decision. To prosecute against a close friend would have made my life more difficult so I just cut contact with him instead.

I did go see a counseller though. Well, I began seeing one for different reasons but we eventually discussed the rape incident. Counselling has helped me immensely. It has helped me to forgive myself, to let go of the blame I held for so long afterwards. The counseller did not push me towards the guards. I felt no pressure to report it to anyone, or to even tell anyone else.

I ended up dropping out of college the year I was raped. I was having problems with mental illness before the incident but it pushed me over the edge and I spiralled into a deep depression. I eventually told my parents and they were fantastic - they only wished they'd known sooner so they could've helped me.

I'm not telling you you need to go to a counseller/parents or whatever but ust thought you'd like to hear of someone else's experiences

Audie

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them? I was with the guy for about a week, how quickly relationships move when you're 15!!

Did you enjoy it? Yes, got a little bored as it went on for quite a while!

Do you regret it? I didn't at the time, then I did, but now I don't care. I regret all my ex boyfriends but you live and learn!

How did it effect your life afterwards? I was officially sexually active, which helped me to go on and do more stupid things that affected me later. Was definitely too young at 15!

Novella

Hotaru wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear about your experience unreggedmiss. I know exactly how you feel because I ended up in a similiar situation.

My first time to have sex was when I was 19. I'd had opportunities before then but I wasn't ready and I wanted to wait. Sex was important to me.

Unfortunately, I lost my virginity to one of my best friends when he raped me. I was drunk and he was drunk but I told him no. He didn't listen. He wore a condom but used vaseline as lube and I was terrified it wasn't on properly so I went to get the morning after pill. I had never felt so ashamed in my life.

At the time I considered it a "semi rape", in that I hadn't done enough to stop him and I blamed myself. I became desensitized to sex and slept with another guy very soon afterwards. I didn't respect myself anymore.

After many months and counselling, I realised that it WAS rape and it wasn't my fault. This was a huge relief because I didn't feel like I'd been a dirty slut anymore.

So yes, I regret my first time but luckily, I no longer allow my first 2 experiences of sex to cloud my opinion of it. Sex is still special to me and, what I consider to be my first time, when I was in a proper relationship, was great

I have so much respect for you, Hotaru, for the strength it must take to be able to talk so openly about such a traumatic event in your life. And not just for that, but for how well you are doing too. I'm just so sorry that this ever happened to you, and so glad that you're doing well now.

azwethinkweiz

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?
Yes. No, we broke up a month or so afterwards.

Did you enjoy it?
Haha, the first time?? Honestly, no... it hurt... a LOT.
Thank god, it only hurts once!

Do you regret it?
No no, don't really regret it at all. I thought I loved him and we were together over a year at the time. I can get sentimental when I'm with a new person though (being old fashioned and wishing I'd "saved" myself for them because they're so "wonderful" lol)

How did it effect your life afterwards?
Hmmm, I was about 15 or 16 at the time & I felt a little bit guilty/stupid about it. I probably should've waited until I was a bit more mature about it. Other than that, it hasn't affected me at all!

Joey the lips

Virginity seems to be an important thing to many. Its perceived as being more important to women then men...I have to say i agree although it was very important to me in one sense. But in another i always thought i would jump the bones of the first person that allowed me.... When i got the chance i did not... It was because i had this moment where i felt it was not right....

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Yip..My now wife. We kinda lost it slowly. We both lost it to each other...At least thats what she tells me.:D It happened slowly... A lot of dry sex before actual sex...

Did you enjoy it?

Yip..Every minute..Still do...Although my wife always seems nervous.

Do you regret it?

Nope it was brilliant...

How did it effect your life afterwards?

It improved as we got more confident... i more in love now and sex is so emotional that i am half way there before i start... She is wonderful



I would feel that no women or man should regret looseing there virginity. Having said that i dont think it should be the be all in there life. Having said that its easy for me. I would advise people to try find that special person as mine is a nice story to share with my wife but having said that...Life is for living...

xxLadyxx

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?
Yes and no

Did you enjoy it?
No! Was uncomfortable & suprisingly quick

Do you regret it?
No

How did it effect your life afterwards?
It didn't. .

Lorrs33

*Were you in a relationship with the person? If so, are you still with them?
Yes, and I'm still with him.
*Did you enjoy it?
Sadly no, it was painful.
*Did you regret it?
Not at all. My boyfriend was so gentle with me, it was the best way I could've lost it.
*How did it effect your life afterwards?
I became more confident about my physical appearance.

Neadine

It was all a bit over rated really.
Not really sure either of us knew what we were doing.
Not still together, didn't particularly enjoy and but don't have any regrets.

But there have been 1 or 2 'first times' since then that were fantastic, and amazing, but for different reasons.

FayeRayRay

I was on a relationship and we waited two years and we were both virgins. Were not together anymore but i dont regret it, it was a bit soar but he made it special so no regrets.

pollypocket10

Were you in a relationship with person? If so are you still with them?

Yes it was my first boyfriend we were together about 6 months at the time and we went out for about 18 months after

Did you enjoy it?

I don't recall not enjoying it but I don't think it was anything mind blowing. It was midnight in the turning of the millenium :rolleyes:

Do you regret it?

I never did until I met my OH, I had a couple of relationships/flings since then and I never believed in the whole waiting until you find "the one" thing. When I met my OH though I kind of felt that he would have been worth waiting for

How did it effect your life afterwards?

I think all of our experiences shape who we are in some way but I don't think this had any major influence.

Rocket19

I lost mine when I had just gone 18. I'd only known the guy two weeks and sleeping with someone that soon is nevvvver how I thought I'd lose my virginity.

I was sooo attracted to him. I don't think I've ever felt such an attraction, even since. He'd just smile and I'd feel sick from butterflies. He was, in all honesty though, drop dead gorgeous.

It's funny, I was convinced I was in love with him. It wasn't even all that long ago and I can still see how immature I was.
I remember going home from his house on the bus (classy), it was a rainy day and I spent the whole journey drawing love hearts on the fogged up windows.

The whole thing was really embarassing. I still had braces at the time and there was a 'scratching incident' which I'd rather forget about ("ahhh the foreskin"). Oh god....

I was sooo trusting and in fairness, it could have gone so wrong. I barely knew him. Luckily for me, he made me feel safe and beautiful and in some ways, my first time was all it could have been.

We don't really hang out any more but I still see him around college from time to time. Whenever he sees me, he just gives me a big smile.
I certainly don't regret anything. I think it's silly to have regrets...
xxx