Secrets Your Pilot Won't Tell You! - Long But Interesting Item.

Biggins

The following is taken from Readers Digest November 2010 issue.
Cover: http://img686.imageshack.us/img686/5128/capture3wh.jpg

Its interesting food for thought!

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“I’m constantly under pressure to carry less fuel than I’m comfortable with. Airlines are always looking at the bottom line, and you burn fuel carrying fuel. Sometimes if you carry just enough fuel and you hit thunderstorms or delays, then suddenly you’re running out of gas and you have to go to an alternate airport.”

“The truth is, we’re exhausted. Our work rules allow us to be on duty 16 hours without a break. That’s many more hours than a truck driver. And unlike a truck driver, who can pull over at the next rest stop, we can’t pull over at the next cloud.”

“Some FAA rules don’t make sense to us either. Like the fact that when we’re at 39,000 feet going 400 miles an hour, in a plane that could hit turbulence at any minute, [flight attendants] can walk around and serve hot coffee and Chateaubriand. But when we’re on the ground on a flat piece of asphalt going fi ve to ten miles an hour, they’ve got to be buckled in like they’re at NASCAR.”

“Most of the time, how you land is a good indicator of a pilot’s skill. So if you want to say something nice to a pilot as you’re getting off the plane, say ‘Nice landing.’ We do appreciate that.”

“Cabin air is not as dirty as people think. A portion of the air is recirculated because that helps to reduce humidity. But it’s run through hospital-quality HEPA filters, and it’s actually cleaner than the air found in most public buildings.”

“No, it’s not your imagination: Airlines really have adjusted their flight arrival times so they can have a better record of on-time arrivals. So they might say a flight takes two hours when it really takes an hour and 45 minutes.”

“It’s one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers. But if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, you’d better listen. That means there’s some serious turbulence ahead.”

“There’s no such thing as a water landing. It’s called crashing into the ocean.”

“Is traveling with a baby in your lap safe? No. It’s extremely dangerous. If there’s any impact or deceleration, there’s a good chance you’re going to lose hold of your kid, and he becomes a projectile. But the government’s logic is that if we made you buy an expensive seat for your baby, you’d just drive, and you’re more likely to be injured driving than flying.”

“I’ve been struck by lightning twice. Most pilots have. Airplanes are built to take it. You hear a big boom and see a big fl ash and that’s it. You’re not going to fall out of the sky.”

“Most of you wouldn’t consider going down the highway at 60 miles an hour without your seat belt fastened. But when we’re hurtling through the air at 500 miles an hour and we turn off the seat belt sign, half of you take your seat belts off. But if we hit a little air pocket, your head will be on the ceiling.”

“If you’re going to recline your seat, for God’s sake, please check behind you first. You have no idea how many laptops are broken every year by boorish passengers who slam their seat back with total disregard towhat’s going on behind them.”

“The smoothest place to sit is often over or near the wing. The bumpiest place to sit is in the back. A plane is like a seesaw. If you’re in the middle, you don’t move as much.”

“I am so tired of hearing ‘Oh my God, you’re a girl pilot.’ When you see a black pilot, do you say ‘Oh my God, you’re a black pilot’?”

“We don’t make you stow your laptop because we’re worried about electronic interference. It’s about having a projectile on your lap. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get hit in the head by a MacBook going 200 miles per hour.”

“We’re not trying to ruin your fun by making you take off your headphones. We just want you to be able to hear us if there’s an emergency.”

“I always tell my kids to travel in sturdy shoes. If you have to evacuate and your flip-fl ops fall off, there you are standing on the hot tarmac or in the weeds in your bare feet.”

“The general flow of air in any airplane is from front to back. So if
you’re really concerned about breathing the freshest possible air or not getting too hot, sit as close to the front as you can. Planes are generally warmest in the back.”

“People tend to think the airplane is just flying itself. Trust me, that’s not true. It can fl y by itself sometimes. But you’ve always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up. And it does mess up.”

“We don’t wear our hats in the cockpit, by the way. On TV and in the Far Side comic, you always see these pilots with their hats on, and they have their headsets on over the hat, and that always makes us laugh.”

“Here’s the truth about airline jobs:
You don’t have as much time off as your neighbours think you have, you don’t make as much money as your relatives think you make, and you don’t have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks you have. Still, I can’t believe they pay me to do this.”

---

The attendants speak:

“Want to start off on the wrong foot with me? Put your carry-on in a full overhead bin, leave it sticking out six inches, then take your seat at the window and wait for someone else (me!) to come along and solve the physics problem you just created.”

“If you’re travelling with a small child and you keep hearing bells, bells, and more bells, please look to see if it’s your child playing with the flight attendant call bell.”

“No, it’s not OK to come back into the galley to stretch and bend over with your rear end in my face while I’m in my jump seat during my only break, trying to eat a meal.”

“Do you really have to go to the bathroom right now, while we’re wrestling a 250-pound food cart down the aisle? You can’t wait 90 seconds for us to pass?”

“Passengers are always coming up to me and tattling on each other. ‘Can you tell him to put his seat up?’ ‘She won’t share the armrest.’ What am I, a preschool teacher?”

“If you’re travelling overseas, do yourself a favour and bring a pen. You would not believe how many people travel without one, and you need one to fill out the immigration forms. I carry some, but I can’t carry 200.”

“Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket!”

:eek:

Want more? See: www.readersdigest.com/flight

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AIRLINE LINGO

Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. “There’s no blue juice in the lav.”

Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened.
Also: “groin scan.”

Crumb crunchers: Kids. “We’ve got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight.”

Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business.

Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. “Oh, the gate lice are thick today.”

George: Autopilot. “I’ll let George take over.”

Landing lips: Female passengers put on their “landing lips” when they use their lipstick just before
landing.

Pax: Passengers.

Spinners: Passengers who get on late and don’t have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat.

Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again.

Working the village: Working in coach.

amacachi

TLDR version: My job is sooooo hard and other people are idiots.

krudler

“Most of the time, how you land is a good indicator of a pilot’s skill. So if you want to say something nice to a pilot as you’re getting off the plane, say ‘Nice landing.’ We do appreciate that.”

and yet you still get the "people who clap at good landings are idiots" brigade.

krudler

amacachi wrote: »

TLDR version: My job is sooooo hard and other people are idiots.

Other people are idiots though :pac:

K-9

Reminds me of the letter from a Quantas pilot to the engineers:

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.
Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.



Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...
Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Ruu_Old

Biggins wrote: »

Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. “Oh, the gate lice are thick today.”

Love this, have to laugh at people like this and then everyone gets told to line up to be called by row.

mikom

Male pilot works in a cock pit.
What do you call the area where female pilot work?

Don't be stupid, women can't fly planes!

robbie_998

Ruu wrote: »

Love this, have to laugh at people like this and then everyone gets told to line up to be called by row.

only wanted the first minute and 10 secs of this

smegmar

bam! all done

http://aviationhumor.net/

Biggins

By the way, some of you might have heard that the "I hate Ryanair" site had to be taken down due to it been taken to court - well the airline had a hollow victory.

It was up and running again at a different location within 24 hours LOL

www.ihateryanair.org

lord lucan

Ruu wrote: »

Love this, have to laugh at people like this and then everyone gets told to line up to be called by row.

I've noticed this a lot here,even on transatlantic flights. Seems to be a product of the Ryanair boarding scheme were everyone thinks they have to hustle to the front of the que to get a seat despite having a boarding card with a row and seat number on it!:rolleyes:

Biggins

lord lucan wrote: »

I've noticed this a lot here,even on transatlantic flights. Seems to be a product of the Ryanair boarding scheme were everyone thinks they have to hustle to the front of the que to get a seat despite having a boarding card with a row and seat number on it!:rolleyes:

Your right of course.
A small few though fear overbooking and try to ensure they 100% have a place so they make sure they are first up/in. Understandable to a certain extent. Especially with cheaper airlines that might not have a good previous record (not thinking of any airline in particular).

phantom_lord

I find the first two strange.

I remember reading somewhere in this thread that the fuel requirements allow quite a lot of leeway.

Rabble Rabble

Good article, OP.

Interesting but about locking staff down after landing but not at 400 mph.

Health and safety rules are always crazy. On a train from Paddington on Friday the last carriage was closed because the lighting was broken, although I am sure that there was emergancy lighting.

Which meant that people were standing in the aisles, and in between carriages - clearly more dangerous than just being in the dark, or badly lit, if the train abruptly stops.

Son Of A Vidic

Thanks a million Biggins, I'll now have to make sure I row everywhere in future.

Mint Sauce

'Paying for Priorty Boarding'

Just a money making gimmick, especially for ryanair, who at most airports dont even use air bridges, just means you get to walk out to the plane or bus first, and then get over taken in the rush to the steps.

“It’s one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers. But if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, you’d better listen. That means there’s some serious turbulence ahead.”

Have heard this announcement once ot twice, not a good sign of whats to come.

dory

Brilliant post! Almost pulled a muscle laughing.

bnt

If I thought too hard about what I was doing - barreling through the stratosphere at 500mph with only a few mm of aluminium alloy protecting me - I would freak out. So cabin crew wonder why the Self-Loading Freight (SLF) seem to have their thumbs up their bums and their brains in neutral?

As for pilots' working conditions: there have been some horror stories from the USA, with reports of pilots on small regional airlines qualifying for food stamps etc. Pilot tiredness was allegedly a factor in the Colgan Air crash a few years ago.

Went on one of those "how to survive a plane crash" course a few years ago, interesting....

"Tracy" (airline speak for the cabin crew, the pilto is called Nigel) will transform from a nice trolly dolly type into a drill sargent!

Anyone wearing the ryanair luggage allowance overload is toast.

PeterIanStaker

I'm getting on a plane in a few weeks. I'll recite these little gems to my fellow-travellers, I'm sure they'll appreciate them while we're at 30,000ft.

Herb Powell

amacachi wrote: »

TLDR version: My job is sooooo hard and other people are idiots.

not what it says at all
I knew about the most stable area being over the wing. Interesting article (?)

Biggins

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

I'm getting on a plane in a few weeks. I'll recite these little gems to my fellow-travellers, I'm sure they'll appreciate them while we're at 30,000ft.

:pac:

I'm sure they will love you.

Jamiekelly

"Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...
Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget"

I've never laughed so hard in my life

PeterIanStaker

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

I'm getting on a plane in a few weeks. I'll recite these little gems to my fellow-travellers, I'm sure they'll appreciate them while we're at 30,000ft.

Try sitting next to a former RAF pilot, who insists in looking out the window and giving a running comentory on the cloud conditions and what would happen if we got too close! We did! :eek: He did suggest tightening up the seatbelt just before we hit a bit of bad turbulance, then the crew put on the seatbelt light!

Earthhorse

Is it just me or are most of the things in the OP prety obvious?

Biggins

Earthhorse wrote: »

Is it just me or are most of the things in the OP pretty obvious?

Some are very obvious but you'd be amazed how (thru' daftness?) they are overlooked!

Eoin

krudler wrote: »

and yet you still get the "people who clap at good landings are idiots" brigade.

But they are idiots. And they clap upon any landing.

Earthhorse

Biggins wrote: »

Some are very obvious but you'd be amazed how (thru' daftness?) they are overlooked!

I like the fact that you corrected my spelling when quoting me.

mikemac

Pax: Passengers.

Also known as self loading freight.

K-9

K-9 wrote: »

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

I laughed so hard at that one Some funny ass quotes there!!

But they are idiots. And they clap upon any landing.

I would agree with you. I personally can't stand this clapping at the landing business that we seem to have inherited from the Americans...it just makes me cringe every time. I appreciate that a pilot's a tough job, but no...just no

Biggins

Earthhorse wrote: »

I like the fact that you corrected my spelling when quoting me.

Make loads of typo' errors myself, all the time.

krudler

krudler wrote: »

and yet you still get the "people who clap at good landings are idiots" brigade.

They are.

You can thank a pilot at the end. Some of us are trying to listen to the engines. Shut the f*ck up clappers.

mfceiling

Deleted User wrote: »

They are.

You can thank a pilot at the end. Some of us are trying to listen to the engines. Shut the f*ck up clappers.

+1

You don't fcuking clap at a bus driver when he pulls into the terminal or a taxi driver when he drops you off at your front door....................or do you??;)

Manic Moran

phantom_lord wrote: »

I find the first two strange.

I remember reading somewhere in this thread that the fuel requirements allow quite a lot of leeway.

It was a rather big national news issue in the US a few years ago. The airline wants nothing but the legal FAA minima, but as a pilot would say, you can never have too much fuel; unless you're on fire.

Ultimatey the pilot has a final say, but the airlines were putting pressure on them. It sortof dropped off the news, not sure what happened in the end.

NTM

SeaFields

I was coming back from Newcastle few months back and there was an announcement in flight that "seats with extra leg room were available for a small charge of £10" i.e. the emergency exit seats. Nobody took them up on their offer.

I thought they had to have these occupied during the flight?

southsiderosie

Ruu wrote: »

Love this, have to laugh at people like this and then everyone gets told to line up to be called by row.

lord lucan wrote: »

I've noticed this a lot here,even on transatlantic flights. Seems to be a product of the Ryanair boarding scheme were everyone thinks they have to hustle to the front of the que to get a seat despite having a boarding card with a row and seat number on it!:rolleyes:

It depends on what country you are in and what airline you are on. I've noticed on some European airlines (NOT Ryanair) the crew just starts boarding people regardless of row. Sometimes there isn't even an announcement, they just start collecting boarding passes They also are generally not very strict about the size of carry-ons, so if you want any space in the overhead bin, you'd better get up front. Although sometimes I think there is some kind of hidden signal that everyone else knows but me about when to all magically jump up and move towards the gate.

Manic Moran

SeaFields wrote: »

I was coming back from Newcastle few months back and there was an announcement in flight that "seats with extra leg room were available for a small charge of £10" i.e. the emergency exit seats. Nobody took them up on their offer.

I thought they had to have these occupied during the flight?

They do.

So if you can snag the seat behind the exit row, or catch the attendant at the right time, they'll move you forward for free.

NTM

Tom Slick

Manic Moran wrote: »

Ultimatey the pilot has a final say

And I, for one like to think a resourceful, self reliant pilot is in charge of my plane. Some jobs are just not suited to this kind of management interference.

nononsense

Biggins wrote: »

The following is taken from Readers Digest November 2010 issue.
Cover: http://img686.imageshack.us/img686/5128/capture3wh.jpg

Its interesting food for thought!

---

---

The attendants speak:

:eek:

Want more? See: www.readersdigest.com/flight

---

AIRLINE LINGO

Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. “There’s no blue juice in the lav.”

Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened.
Also: “groin scan.”

Crumb crunchers: Kids. “We’ve got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight.”

Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business.

Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. “Oh, the gate lice are thick today.”

George: Autopilot. “I’ll let George take over.”

Landing lips: Female passengers put on their “landing lips” when they use their lipstick just before
landing.

Pax: Passengers.

Spinners: Passengers who get on late and don’t have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat.

Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again.

Working the village: Working in coach.

Nice to no! but scary to no also:( very good points! a few tips for me next time;)

policarp

I can fly a plane.
But I can't take off or land.

randylonghorn

“No, it’s not your imagination: Airlines really have adjusted their flight arrival times so they can have a better record of on-time arrivals. So they might say a flight takes two hours when it really takes an hour and 45 minutes.”

I've been pointing this out for years.

Mackman

randylonghorn wrote: »

I've been pointing this out for years.

Me too, everyone thinks im a conspiracy theorist or something.

Someone needs to tell those air hostesses where the Ranting and Raving Forum is

ballsymchugh

here's one.

the brace position won't do anything to help you stay alive, but it will preserve your face and teeth to make it easier to identify you through dental records!

DOC09UNAM

K-9 wrote: »

Reminds me of the letter from a Quantas pilot to the engineers:

Reminds me of a post on here before.

Saint_Mel

Biggins wrote: »

By the way, some of you might have heard that the "I hate Ryanair" site had to be taken down due to it been taken to court - well the airline had a hollow victory.

It was up and running again at a different location within 24 hours LOL

www.ihateryanair.org

And they only won as the website had sold advertising space making it a commercial venture!

senordingdong

randylonghorn wrote: »

I've been pointing this out for years.

But does anyone actually book with one airline over another because they claim that 98% of their flights arrive on time?

Eoin

senordingdong wrote: »

But does anyone actually book with one airline over another because they claim that 98% of their flights arrive on time?

After the price, I'd say that could be a factor for businesses. A lot of people travel to meetings abroad for a day, so 30 minutes delay can make a difference.

Biggins

eoin wrote: »

After the price, I'd say that could be a factor for businesses. A lot of people travel to meetings abroad for a day, so 30 minutes delay can make a difference.

True. Time is money as they say and if you have a number of meetings in any one day, prompt timing is critical.

Pookah

Something else airlines don't want you to know...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/690071/the_truth_about_airplane_air_quality.html

http://www.achooallergy.com/air-quality-airplane-cabins.asp

Wibbs

Pookah wrote: »

Something else airlines don't want you to know...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/690071/the_truth_about_airplane_air_quality.html

http://www.achooallergy.com/air-quality-airplane-cabins.asp

Yea I'd read about that before. Interestingly I'd also read that the old smoking flights may well have been healthier(for non smokers anyway) as they had to recirculate the air more and feed in more fresh air in the first place because the non smokers would spot the lack of circulation pretty quickly. Recirculating the air is cheaper though and uses less fuel so big shock it's not like the old days. It may explain the rise in DVT on long haulers too. Of course the numbers have gone up flying, but I never heard of DVT in the old days and a few rellies of mine were doing long hauls in the 70's and before and they never heard of it either..

mr kr0nik

lord lucan wrote: »

I've noticed this a lot here,even on transatlantic flights. Seems to be a product of the Ryanair boarding scheme were everyone thinks they have to hustle to the front of the que to get a seat despite having a boarding card with a row and seat number on it!:rolleyes:

Don't forget its nice to have your stuff stored directly above your seat. get on the plane last (even if you have your seat reserved) and you'll never
know where you carry gets put (from experience attendants usually have to shoehorn in the last few passengers items (typically at the back of the place)