I Can't stop cheating on my girlfriend

LegacyUser

As the title suggests I'm not monogamous. I love my girlfriend so unbelievably much and she's my best friend. The thing is that I dont think I'll ever meet someone that I'll get on with as much as long as I live.

At the moment I'm living away from Ireland with a few friends and my gf is booked to come join us at the end of march. I don't want to hurt her but I still want to be with her AND I want to pull hot women.

My head is wrecked with the whole situation. I'd love to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any ideas of what to do. Thanks

Elle Collins

Guest1986 wrote: »

I'd love to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any ideas of what to do.

Discuss it with your girlfriend. She'll tell you exactly what to do.

Guest1986

Elle Collins wrote: »

Discuss it with your girlfriend. She'll tell you exactly what to do.

When I said earlier that I wanted to stay with her I mean I dont want to break up with her or go on a break for fear of not being wither in the future.

seamus

So your biggest fear is not being with her in the future, but at the same time you're doing the one thing which has the highest possibility of stopping her from being with you in the future.

Solution seems obvious tbh. Keep it in your pants.

Telling her is actually less likely to jeopardise the relationship in the long run because if when she finds out from someone else that you've been cheating, it's curtains.

Then break up with her.

You, like many people, are in the false way of thinking that when you are with someone that you are committing to that person. This is not so. Being with someone means that you are both committed to the relationship you are in... a relationship that each of you is merely a constituant part.

You – simply – are not committed to the relationship you are in with her. You are committed to the relationship that you want and she to the one she wants.

There is no relationship between you then, you may as well end it before it ends itself in a more painful and explosive fashion.

Guest1986

Thanks for the replies so far. I'll be living abroad for the next year or so and that's the reason why I want to go out and have fun with other girls. After I go back home to reality I won't have a problem being faithful. Heck I'd marry the girl without a thought.

I'm in a situation that many people have been in before in that I feel like I'm too young to be with the girl I'm eventually going to marry. The problem is that I'm currently with the girl I plan on marrying (somehow marrying). I'd just love to know what to say to her to break it off in a way that wouldn't hurt her so much that shed never get back with me.

28064212

It's pretty simple - tell her you want a break while you're away. She might not be ok with it, but she's the one who gets to make that decision, not you

prinz

You CAN stop, if you want. You can't always have the cake and eat it. If you want other girls, break up with your gf and go for it. You're acting immaturely IMO. Of course guys see girls they'd like to have fun with, but they have the capacity to weigh up what means more, their wives/gf's or a bit of fun with a randomer.

Guest1986

28064212 wrote: »

It's pretty simple - tell her you want a break while you're away. She might not be ok with it, but she's the one who gets to make that decision, not you

I Sense anger in your reply. The above post is what morally SHOULD happen but does not help my purely selfish situation of wanting fun now while not ending up lonely next year after all the fun and games are over. That's what I can't figure out. If I can't figure it out I have to compromise and take the lesser option if necessary.

Guest1986

Guest1986 wrote: »

I Sense anger in your reply.

I however do not.

His reply is perfectly valid and very measured and calm.

In fact his statement is entirely true.

If you are going to sleep around on holidays, then the decision to continue the relationship on your return is, as the user pointed out, hers and not yours. You effectively forfeit any say in it.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

You've gone about this the totally wrong way. You should have had this discussion with her before you left. If you did and thought you could be faithful while you were away then the first time you cheated you should have stepped back, assessed the situation and then talked to her about going on a break. But you kept cheating. IMO if she finds out, you've blown it because she will feel utterly betrayed and will want to know why you didn't broach the subject sooner.

I mean, you obviously shouldn't have cheated at all but surely after the first incident you thought about how she'd feel? Or was it a case of out of sight, out of mind?

Honestly, I don't see any way of redeeming yourself here, OP. I think you should confess because she'll find out sooner or later. If you don't want to confess, then just break up with her because she deserves someone who will at least be honest with her and consider her feelings.

I love my girlfriend so unbelievably much and she's my best friend. The thing is that I dont think I'll ever meet someone that I'll get on with as much as long as I live.

This is obviously not true. If you loved her you would have been more considerate towards her. You would have let her go before you hurt her. It sounds to me like you are more afraid of not being able to be with her when it suits you which is incredibly selfish.

I don't want to hurt her but I still want to be with her AND I want to pull hot women.

You can't have it both ways. You either want to be with her and not hurt her or you want to pull hot women.

I think you've made your choice here already though.


CR

seamus

I you loved your girlfriend so much that "she's the one", then you wouldn't be willing to break up with her just so you can get your jollies with other women. Simple as.

Go to stripclubs, buy porn, jack off and live with it for six months. It's dead easy.

Edit: To the OP, I do sympathise, I do understand. It can be very frustrating to have this invisible tie to a person that you don't see from one end of the week to the other, and it seems like it would be easier and more fun to not have that tie and to join your mates in chasing, chatting up and bedding women.
But that's all it is - fun. It's not going to lead to anything more satisfying than 20 minutes on the web with tissues in your hand. If you actually thought this girl was the love of your life, you would be willing to keep it in your pants until you see her again.

28064212

Guest1986 wrote: »

I Sense anger in your reply.

Genuinely couldn't be more wrong. I think your actions are stupid, and demeaning of your girlfriend, but I have never been on either side of an even remotely similar situation.

Guest1986 wrote: »

The above post is what morally SHOULD happen but does not help my purely selfish situation of wanting fun now while not ending up lonely next year after all the fun and games are over. That's what I can't figure out. If I can't figure it out I have to compromise and take the lesser option if necessary.

Just so we're clear then, you're perfectly ok with her sleeping around while she's at home? And when you are home, if she unilaterally decides she wants to continue sleeping around, because she "can't stop cheating on her boyfriend"? You're ok with that?

Wonkagirl

Do you have unprotected sex with these other girls? please dont. you could be infecting your poor unfortunate GF with a myriad of nasty STDs. that's me being practical. All other angles covered by others.

Guest1986

Deleted User wrote: »

I however do not.

His reply is perfectly valid and very measured and calm.

In fact his statement is entirely true.

If you are going to sleep around on holidays........

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)

Contessa Raven wrote: »

Hi OP,

You've gone about this the totally wrong way. You should have had this discussion with her before you left. If you did and thought you could be faithful while you were away then the first time you cheated you should have stepped back, assessed the situation and then talked to her about going on a break. But you kept cheating. IMO if she finds out, you've blown it because she will feel utterly betrayed and will want to know why you didn't broach the subject sooner.

I mean, you obviously shouldn't have cheated at all but surely after the first incident you thought about how she'd feel? Or was it a case of out of sight, out of mind?

Honestly, I don't see any way of redeeming yourself here, OP. I think you should confess because she'll find out sooner or later. If you don't want to confess, then just break up with her because she deserves someone who will at least be honest with her and consider her feelings.

This is obviously not true. If you loved her you would have been more considerate towards her. You would have let her go before you hurt her. It sounds to me like you are more afraid of not being able to be with her when it suits you which is incredibly selfish.

You can't have it both ways. You either want to be with her and not hurt her or you want to pull hot women.

I think you've made your choice here already though.


CR

we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it? My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating. The thread title is misleading slightly but was the catchiest of the ones I thought of.


Edit @246(whatever number) I very obviously would prefer if she wasn't sleeping around but I can hardly have the moral highground now can I? Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong. Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

Guest1986

Wonkagirl wrote: »

Do you have unprotected sex with these other girls? please dont. you could be infecting your poor unfortunate GF with a myriad of nasty STDs. that's me being practical. All other angles covered by others.

Agreed.

Contessa Raven

Guest1986 wrote: »

we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it?

My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

It's not selfish to feel the way you do. You are perfectly entitled to feel this way and it's normal for people to go through these things when separated from their partners for prolonged periods.

What is selfish is choosing to please yourself by cheating without even sharing how you feel with your partner. She didn't even have a chance to talk about it with you. You don't know, she may have been feeling the same way as you and didn't want to rock the boat by saying it.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating.

Why don't you then? If you're that worried about the effect it will have on your relationship then stop.
If you think it's possible to stop, yet you haven't even tried, is that not selfish? I think it is. And I think your gf would think so too.

What you do is your own business, OP but you did ask us for our opinions on what to do. I still stand by what I said in my last post as to what I think you should do. I can understand that you may feel judged but the majority of people here are trying to help you see how to avoid doing this to someone in future.

CR

28064212

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)
we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it? My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating. The thread title is misleading slightly but was the catchiest of the ones I thought of.

Edit @246(whatever number) I very obviously would prefer if she wasn't sleeping around but I can hardly have the moral highground now can I? Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong. Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

You have three options:

1. Stay faithful to the woman you claim to love
2. Ask her for a break if you want to live the single life
3. Live the single life and don't tell her

Option 3 is wrong. You know it's wrong. You know if she ever found out, she'd almost certainly break up with you immediately. Option 2 is perfectly reasonable, but she gets to have a say, as is her right.

You say you'd prefer if she wasn't sleeping around. Do you think you'd probably break up with her if you found out she was doing it behind your back? Put yourself in her shoes

prinz

Guest1986 wrote: »

Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it?

No it isn't. If you are too young for it, then get out, and do both of you a favour.

Guest1986 wrote: »

My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while.

Bit of a catch-22. Like a kid who wants ice-cream and crisps. Break up with her, maybe when you get back she'll take you back. You have no right to live a lie with her.

Guest1986 wrote: »

Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

tbh it seems you are waiting for someone to high five and tell you to keep going...

Elle Collins

Guest1986 wrote: »

Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it?

No, it isn't - but it is the absolute height of selfishness to keep these thoughts on the q-t while you ride rings around yourself.

Guest1986 wrote: »

Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong.

You don't get to choose what way people respond when you post for advice on a public message board - and yes, you are doing something hurtful, damaging and very wrong, as you are fully well aware.

magneticimpulse

Please get an STD check up...you are being completely careless.

Please DUMP your girlfriend, if you love her so much, she deserves to be going out with someone who is not dropping his pants at anything that moves.

Why do you insist on having a girlfriend? Please just be single and then you are free to shag anybody you want and please wear a condom with these girls during intercourse and not have oral sex (as in spread your sperm and germs around).

Men like you grow a species of women into mad crazy bunny boilers and man haters...think about what your doing.

What goes around comes around...as in one woman wont be happy youve messed her about and its a stalking situation waiting to happen

Guest1986

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)

I would suggest that it is impossible to advise people without applying some measure of judgement. They need to judge you, and consider the feelings of the people involved and the possible outcomes of your actions and inactions in order to formulate advice to give you.

Value judgements will be unavoidable when giving you any level of response, so I would advise you to realise this, suck it up, and consider the advice given on to you on it's face alone instead of considering if how that advice is given offends you personally.

The advice is good, even if the judgements made while giving it are personally distasteful to you and I think you should take the advice most have been giving you so far. It is all very sound advice.

magneticimpulse

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far. I'll be living abroad for the next year or so and that's the reason why I want to go out and have fun with other girls. After I go back home to reality I won't have a problem being faithful. Heck I'd marry the girl without a thought.

I'm in a situation that many people have been in before in that I feel like I'm too young to be with the girl I'm eventually going to marry. The problem is that I'm currently with the girl I plan on marrying (somehow marrying). I'd just love to know what to say to her to break it off in a way that wouldn't hurt her so much that shed never get back with me.

I hope one of the girls you sleep with has facebook and emails your so called girlfriend...because no girl in her right mind would want to marry you. Just break up and find a girl who is living in the same country as you. Marriage is about love but also 100% about trust and being with "1" person. No woman would want to marry someone who is shagging anyone in sight. At least give her the option to sleep with other people?

These things always get found out...i live abroad and I can tell you exactly what guys back in Dublin are doing. The internet these days has so much information its so easy to find out who is shagging who. I hope theres not many men like you out there, you give them a bad name.

magneticimpulse

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)
we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it? My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating. The thread title is misleading slightly but was the catchiest of the ones I thought of.


Edit @246(whatever number) I very obviously would prefer if she wasn't sleeping around but I can hardly have the moral highground now can I? Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong. Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

Yes of course you cant take the moral highground, you at least have to give the girlfriend the opportunity to shag whoever and as many guys as she wants in the next year.

As for telling you that your doing something wrong??? Well you obviously dont think so, so i feel sorry for any girl you ever have sex with, marry or who gets lumped in a relationship with you as you dont seem to have a moral bone in your body.

LegacyUser

you might love her...just not enough.
You're not thinking with your head OR your heart, rather another part of your anatomy?!
Take a break, sow your wild oats, figure out what/who you want/are, if you're meant to be with this girl, it'll all work out in the end. But allow her the freedom you're "enjoying", if you've ANY feelings for her, don't lock her into what she thinks is a monogamous relationship. Courage!

Guest1986

Jesus magneticimpulse. Your doing exactly what I asked you not to do you wrote 3 huge posts complaining about me as a person.("no body would ever want to marry you") Please do not post here again. Thanks to everybody for their input. I'm not going to continue to cheat on my girlfriend. That was never an option. I didn't come here for a pat on the back:rolleyes: I may have been with other girls but I'm actually a nice person.

As for the STD thing I cannot roll my eyes enough at that comment. It is the produce of the catholic influence that this country had in the past. You don't need an STD test because you have sex before marriage :pac:

Breaking up with her and "doing the right thing" was never an option here. I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME. I also don't want to hurt my gf's feelings. Telling her would go against both of those things so I've now written that off as an option. Basically everyone loses in that situation.

I'm starting to lean towards just being with her cause while it is extremely fun to do the single thing it probably isn't worth sacrificing such a good relationship.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

Shellygoose

Guest1986 wrote: »

I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

Seriously....are you for real???? You want the best of everything without any regard for the hurt that you could cause your gf if she found out.
And could you honestly carry on with your relationship knowing that you had been unfaithful? I personally couldnt...the guilt would be too much for me to deal with.
I think you should consider how you would feel if your gf said everything that you have posted here.....gutted I reckon

magneticimpulse

Guest1986 wrote: »

Jesus magneticimpulse. Your doing exactly what I asked you not to do you wrote 3 huge posts complaining about me as a person.("no body would ever want to marry you") Please do not post here again. Thanks to everybody for their input. I'm not going to continue to cheat on my girlfriend. That was never an option. I didn't come here for a pat on the back:rolleyes: I may have been with other girls but I'm actually a nice person.

As for the STD thing I cannot roll my eyes enough at that comment. It is the produce of the catholic influence that this country had in the past. You don't need an STD test because you have sex before marriage :pac:

Breaking up with her and "doing the right thing" was never an option here. I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME. I also don't want to hurt my gf's feelings. Telling her would go against both of those things so I've now written that off as an option. Basically everyone loses in that situation.

I'm starting to lean towards just being with her cause while it is extremely fun to do the single thing it probably isn't worth sacrificing such a good relationship.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

I dont think ive ever come across anybody quite like you OP on this. You have to be taking the p*ss.

"but your a really nice guy"....no your not and im glad i will never meet you, sleep with you...i know nice guys and you are not one of them.

STD tests have nothing to do with sex before marriage (im not even catholic but what does that matter),
but good luck explaining that to your so called soon to be wife when she gets thrush, HIV, cervical cancer, herpes, genital warts, Gonorhea, Syphylis, Chlamydia, Pubic Lice or Crabs, Vaginitis, Hepatitis

Not to mention she could be infertile from one of these and then never have any of your children.

Yes I have a suggestion, you might want to seek medical advice to have STD check. Get your girlfriend to get STD check as god knows what you have passed onto her. Also seek professional counciling on how to deal with people and not treat people like sh*t that you can walk all over.

I am a friend

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I dont think ive ever come across anybody quite like you OP on this.

Its the same as the one which was running on Personal Issues and closed today... Sounds very similar indeed - same attitude, same arrogance and same selfishness.. Ah well let them off.

magneticimpulse

I am a friend wrote: »

Its the same as the one which was running on Personal Issues and closed today... Sounds very similar indeed - same attitude, same arrogance and same selfishness.. Ah well let them off.

Yeah just read that, said he works in a very "male dominanted" place, sounds like an Army lad in that case, who thinks all men are like that...and all the other lads do that...well giving other Army lads a bad name


hmmm my advice, what goes around comes around and dont date Army guys hehe

Nevyn

magneticimpulse banned for badgering and brow beating the OP

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Nevyn

Guest1986 wrote: »

Breaking up with her and "doing the right thing" was never an option here. I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME. I also don't want to hurt my gf's feelings. Telling her would go against both of those things so I've now written that off as an option. Basically everyone loses in that situation.

I'm starting to lean towards just being with her cause while it is extremely fun to do the single thing it probably isn't worth sacrificing such a good relationship.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

If you want to have an open relationship then you have to be honest and ethical about it. There are plenty of people out there who have open relationships and marriages but do so honestly with out lying and deceiving their main partner. You should research this.

As for having a bit on the side, it's never been acceptable here in Ireland unlike in France or Italy so you will get a certain backlash from the staunch moralists, even when you are doing so with the full knowledge and consent of your partner.

If you can't be monogamous then look at open relationship and poly relationships and face up the fact that you can't completely have your cake and eat it.

28064212

Guest1986 wrote: »

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

So exactly what I said in my first post: Tell her you want a break (or, if she might go for it, suggest Thaedydal's option of an open relationship). There is no 'creative' solution here OP. You can't live a single life and have a committed relationship at the same time. If your OH wants to agree to a break/open relationship, all well and good, but you don't get to decide that all on your own.

Guest1986

28064212 wrote: »

So exactly what I said in my first post: Tell her you want a break (or, if she might go for it, suggest Thaedydal's option of an open relationship). There is no 'creative' solution here OP. You can't live a single life and have a committed relationship at the same time. If your OH wants to agree to a break/open relationship, all well and good, but you don't get to decide that all on your own.

Yeah agreed. I dont think it's right to do the dirt on your girlfriend. If I did I would start a thread called "how to not get caught cheating". My gf is a real soft type but also really liberal. She would never go for an open relationship and I wouldn't want one with her either cause it'd be very weird.

As for comments like "you want both things your way you selfish @&$@". I am human so I'm going for the pursuit of happiness like everyone. I never said I'd disregard the feelings of anyone else. That is just being assumed cause I suppose all people who have ever cheated are automatically horrible people. That is unless you AREN'T in a film or on Maury!!:rolleyes:

I would have loved to hear more from a few lads or people who were in the situation before.

The thing to remember is that if we stay together she WILL be happy provided I treat her well and don't turn horrendously ugly somehow. She'd still stay with me though cause she's nice like that.


I'd like to say thanks for all the helpful posts here. I think I'm goin to keep it in the pants and stay with her cause I won't meet another girl like her so I can sacrafice the fun of being single if it means being with her.

Please keep posting if you have anything to say.

I may start a thread on why it is ok for men to have sex with whoever but if a girl has regular sex they are called 'a slut' by some people. I usually find it's the girls who don't enjoy sex or who don't orgasm properly that do the name calling. Anyway that's for another thread. Mods where would that thread go? (not AH though)

Oryx

A thread like that might be suitable for humanites. I dont think you can post anon there though. The ladies lounge might allow a thread like that, perhaps check?

Fox McCloud

OP I'm not going to judge you, you are who you are and someone on the internet telling you your doing bad clearly is not going to have any effect on that.

I do think you should tell your girlfriend who you are though. If you actually love and respect her you would feel that she should know who she's going out with. Your decieving her by not showing her your full self, your 'human' side that pursues happiness. If that is such an important part of your life, trying to have the fullest life possible, then she deserves to know. Unless shes just one small compartment in your life that needs to be kept separate and controlled by only revealing a certain side of yourself to. And it that case, you dont actually love her. You enjoy company, but you dont actually care ABOUT her. So its simple, if your a good person tell her what it is you want and let her decide what she wants.

Dinxminx

Having had an ex who was just like you, OP ("I know you're the girl I want to marry, but I want to be single, but I don't want to let you go in case you meet somebody else, but I want to have my cake and eat it"), I cannot stress enough the fact that if you knew the pain you could cause by finding some way to "creatively cheat", you would never be able to look your girlfriend in the eye again.

Guest1986

Dinxminx wrote: »

Having had an ex who was just like you, OP ("I know you're the girl I want to marry, but I want to be single, but I don't want to let you go in case you meet somebody else, but I want to have my cake and eat it"), I cannot stress enough the fact that if you knew the pain you could cause by finding some way to "creatively cheat", you would never be able to look your girlfriend in the eye again.

Do you think going on a break is creatively cheating? I mean a break as in break up but hope to get back together?

pwd

If you think you're too young to be in a committed relationship, then you should have not gotten into a relationship with her until you are older. You could have stayed friends with her before then.

You should break up with her, and tell her the truth, and that you're just not ready. You might be able to get back with her in the future, when you might be ready to commit.

kylith

Guest1986 wrote: »

I would have loved to hear more from a few lads or people who were in the situation before.

Be honest; you wanted lads to pat you on the back, call you a big man, and basically give you permission to lie to your girlfriend and cheat on her.

You've heard from plenty of men and they've all advised you to decide whether you want to live the life of a single man or whether you're ready to commit to your girlfriend.

LighterGuy

Guest1986 wrote: »

As the title suggests I'm not monogamous. I love my girlfriend so unbelievably much and she's my best friend. The thing is that I dont think I'll ever meet someone that I'll get on with as much as long as I live.

At the moment I'm living away from Ireland with a few friends and my gf is booked to come join us at the end of march. I don't want to hurt her but I still want to be with her AND I want to pull hot women.

My head is wrecked with the whole situation. I'd love to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any ideas of what to do. Thanks

Want some good advice?
you're not ready to be in a relationship. There are lots of people out there who date but would also go off with others behind their partners back. Its selfish desires. To want to be in a relationship (to have someone? to not feel lonely? etc) but at the same time wouldnt mind scoring someone else if presented.

Alot of it can be chalked up to age as well. You wouldnt expect a monogamous relationship with your average 19yo. But sadly most people up until they are a certain age (I'd go as far as to say 30-35) dont really have an monogamous mind-set. Sure they might be in a relationship, sure they might love their partner. But its all about when it comes down to it. When you're offered. Many a person who actually loved their partner still cheated.

Op, you have to ask yourself this. Is this the person you wanna be? 'Cause all this cheating will catch up to you. Everyone gets cheated on in life. How will you handle it when you get cheated on.

Taltos

OP - I wanted to post and share my insights but fate has conspired against me.

1. Magneticimpulse covered all the bases - please do reconsider getting yourself checked if you have been sexually active. Many std's don't present symptoms but do cause major problems such as infertility.
I know you might be a bit self conscious and figure nothing is wrong - but better to be safe.

2. This is a similar thread to another bloke not really seeking advice on it being OK to cheat and he seemed to revel in the fact that he as too much of a man to listen to us old married lads. That one just tapped me out and I don't have the strength right now to fight that battle again.

I will say this though - your attitude and the other posters are very similar. Quite egotistical. Reminds me of my soon to be Ex- Brother-in-law - prat.

I really think that you should take some time alone - away from all women - no 1-night stands - nothing for a few months and just try to figure out who you are and why you think it is ok to behave like this?
Maybe I am weird - but I see women as people with feelings first and would hate to hurt a person in the manner some posters here recommend.

Hank_Jones

I honestly don't know how anyone could cheat on someone they love.
Never in a milllion years would I think about cheating on my girlfriend, she is just to important to me for me to even think of it.
I would never want to ruin what we have.

Grow some balls, either stay faithful to her or let her go.
You're only putting off the inevitable if you keep on the way you are.

Johnny Favourite

You won't get any sympathy on here.

I am in a similar situation to you, working away. Can't say I'm behaving as well as I should. The guilt feels terrible. But it passes and it happens again.

Sometimes I feel that I'm just a really bad person.

Its a dangerous game. Be careful.

Darlughda

OP, Well done on you for having the courage to face up to this.

Its a brave thing to come on Boards personal issues with an unpopular issue, that you seem to be genuinely struggling with, and looking for reasons/answers despite the contradiction that you love the woman you are with.
I do not get the impression from your posts that you are on here to boast, or try to be 'one of the lads'.

Many people believe that humans are not naturally monogamous. Personally, I feel that I am naturally a monogamous person, however, I have been aware for some time that not all people are actually naturally monogamous, although it is expected as a societal norm.

This book may be of interest to you. http://www.sexatdawn.com/

It explores difficulties of monogamy from a kind of evolutionary psychological viewpoint. A bit flakey, perhaps, but a good stepping stone to gain an insight into your own instincts and behaviour.

Whatever we are in life, the important thing seems to be recognising it, accepting it and being honest with others.

I have dated men who have been able to confide in me that they find monogamy too difficult.
They said with heart breaking regret, that they wish they had accepted and owned this part of their nature, instead of hurting irrevocably women they loved, as they were unable to suppress their impulses, no matter how much they told themselves it was bad, awful etc.
As I am monogamous by nature, in both cases we decided not to continue with the relationship, as these were incompatible natures. I am still good friends with both of those men.

If you find yourself unable to be monogamous, you must be honest with your girlfriend. She in turn, must be honest. Maybe, like me she can only do monogamy. In which case you both have to decide if this is a deal breaker for your relationship together.

Acoshla

If you want a "break with hopes of getting backing together in the future" then suggest this to her, discuss it and decide. But if she agrees to it be aware of one thing: she may not be there waiting for you when you decide you've had enough fun being single and are ready to call her from waiting in the wings to step back up and be your girlfriend.

My ex did that, he dropped the bombshell after 4 years together that he wanted to travel with "the lads", and he felt he could only do this single. He said I was the one he wanted to have "a house, 2 kids and 2 cars" with, but that he wanted to do this first. I actually agreed (more fool me!)

The thing is, when he left, I realised what a d*ck he was, realised how much happier I was without him, found out he slept with another girl within 2 weeks of leaving, and realised there were much, much nicer guys out there. I've a feeling your girlfriend might come to the same conclusion, when it inevitably gets back to her that you're whoring around the world while she waits for you.

Guest1986

kylith wrote: »

Be honest; you wanted lads to pat you on the back, call you a big man, and basically give you permission to lie to your girlfriend and cheat on her.

You've heard from plenty of men and they've all advised you to decide whether you want to live the life of a single man or whether you're ready to commit to your girlfriend.

God your so annoying!! Why dint you go read the thread and see that I'm here because I'm trying to figure out where I'm ready to commit to my girlfriend.

Please do not post here again. Thanks

The Recliner

Guest1986 wrote: »

God your so annoying!! Why dint you go read the thread and see that I'm here because I'm trying to figure out where I'm ready to commit to my girlfriend.

Please do not post here again. Thanks

You do not get to tell people not to post in a thread, you may not like all the advice you get but that doesn't mean it wasn't well meant

Do this again and the thread will be locked and you will be banned

Nevyn

So why do you Have to pull hot women?
Where is that coming from?
Is it a sex thing or is it an ego thing?
Do you value yourself more knowing you can pull hot women?

bambera

Dear OP,
I just wanted to say how great you are. Who cares about your girlfriend really? I mean as long as you're having your fun that's all that matters right? Convincing yourself that it's ok to cheat on her behind her back is ok as long as you love her. Your probably lucky enough that shes waiting faithfully at home and counting down the day's until you get back and maybe even get married. When you do get married and maybe have a couple of kids, you could still have your bit onside because at the end of the day, month year, you'll still have her to come home to.


Now that I've said what I think you want to hear, here is my 2c; If you really love your girlfriend, you should talk to her because right now you are majorly violating her trust. If you want to have fun with other girls I get it, you're young.Who knows maybe she feels the same way but right now you are robbing her of that choice and pretending to be someone you are not. I'm not trying to come across harsh op but you're being really unfair to your girlfriend.

Zen65

Guest1986 wrote: »

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

Will you be able to keep in touch by Skype? Why not "cheat" with her?

Other than that, there's no creative way to be unfaithful & dishonest... but you know that by now anyway.

Z