I Can't stop cheating on my girlfriend

LegacyUser

As the title suggests I'm not monogamous. I love my girlfriend so unbelievably much and she's my best friend. The thing is that I dont think I'll ever meet someone that I'll get on with as much as long as I live.

At the moment I'm living away from Ireland with a few friends and my gf is booked to come join us at the end of march. I don't want to hurt her but I still want to be with her AND I want to pull hot women.

My head is wrecked with the whole situation. I'd love to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any ideas of what to do. Thanks

Elle Collins

Guest1986 wrote: »

I'd love to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any ideas of what to do.

Discuss it with your girlfriend. She'll tell you exactly what to do.

Guest1986

Elle Collins wrote: »

Discuss it with your girlfriend. She'll tell you exactly what to do.

When I said earlier that I wanted to stay with her I mean I dont want to break up with her or go on a break for fear of not being wither in the future.

seamus

So your biggest fear is not being with her in the future, but at the same time you're doing the one thing which has the highest possibility of stopping her from being with you in the future.

Solution seems obvious tbh. Keep it in your pants.

Telling her is actually less likely to jeopardise the relationship in the long run because if when she finds out from someone else that you've been cheating, it's curtains.

Then break up with her.

You, like many people, are in the false way of thinking that when you are with someone that you are committing to that person. This is not so. Being with someone means that you are both committed to the relationship you are in... a relationship that each of you is merely a constituant part.

You – simply – are not committed to the relationship you are in with her. You are committed to the relationship that you want and she to the one she wants.

There is no relationship between you then, you may as well end it before it ends itself in a more painful and explosive fashion.

Guest1986

Thanks for the replies so far. I'll be living abroad for the next year or so and that's the reason why I want to go out and have fun with other girls. After I go back home to reality I won't have a problem being faithful. Heck I'd marry the girl without a thought.

I'm in a situation that many people have been in before in that I feel like I'm too young to be with the girl I'm eventually going to marry. The problem is that I'm currently with the girl I plan on marrying (somehow marrying). I'd just love to know what to say to her to break it off in a way that wouldn't hurt her so much that shed never get back with me.

28064212

It's pretty simple - tell her you want a break while you're away. She might not be ok with it, but she's the one who gets to make that decision, not you

prinz

You CAN stop, if you want. You can't always have the cake and eat it. If you want other girls, break up with your gf and go for it. You're acting immaturely IMO. Of course guys see girls they'd like to have fun with, but they have the capacity to weigh up what means more, their wives/gf's or a bit of fun with a randomer.

Guest1986

28064212 wrote: »

It's pretty simple - tell her you want a break while you're away. She might not be ok with it, but she's the one who gets to make that decision, not you

I Sense anger in your reply. The above post is what morally SHOULD happen but does not help my purely selfish situation of wanting fun now while not ending up lonely next year after all the fun and games are over. That's what I can't figure out. If I can't figure it out I have to compromise and take the lesser option if necessary.

Guest1986

Guest1986 wrote: »

I Sense anger in your reply.

I however do not.

His reply is perfectly valid and very measured and calm.

In fact his statement is entirely true.

If you are going to sleep around on holidays, then the decision to continue the relationship on your return is, as the user pointed out, hers and not yours. You effectively forfeit any say in it.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

You've gone about this the totally wrong way. You should have had this discussion with her before you left. If you did and thought you could be faithful while you were away then the first time you cheated you should have stepped back, assessed the situation and then talked to her about going on a break. But you kept cheating. IMO if she finds out, you've blown it because she will feel utterly betrayed and will want to know why you didn't broach the subject sooner.

I mean, you obviously shouldn't have cheated at all but surely after the first incident you thought about how she'd feel? Or was it a case of out of sight, out of mind?

Honestly, I don't see any way of redeeming yourself here, OP. I think you should confess because she'll find out sooner or later. If you don't want to confess, then just break up with her because she deserves someone who will at least be honest with her and consider her feelings.

I love my girlfriend so unbelievably much and she's my best friend. The thing is that I dont think I'll ever meet someone that I'll get on with as much as long as I live.

This is obviously not true. If you loved her you would have been more considerate towards her. You would have let her go before you hurt her. It sounds to me like you are more afraid of not being able to be with her when it suits you which is incredibly selfish.

I don't want to hurt her but I still want to be with her AND I want to pull hot women.

You can't have it both ways. You either want to be with her and not hurt her or you want to pull hot women.

I think you've made your choice here already though.


CR

seamus

I you loved your girlfriend so much that "she's the one", then you wouldn't be willing to break up with her just so you can get your jollies with other women. Simple as.

Go to stripclubs, buy porn, jack off and live with it for six months. It's dead easy.

Edit: To the OP, I do sympathise, I do understand. It can be very frustrating to have this invisible tie to a person that you don't see from one end of the week to the other, and it seems like it would be easier and more fun to not have that tie and to join your mates in chasing, chatting up and bedding women.
But that's all it is - fun. It's not going to lead to anything more satisfying than 20 minutes on the web with tissues in your hand. If you actually thought this girl was the love of your life, you would be willing to keep it in your pants until you see her again.

28064212

Guest1986 wrote: »

I Sense anger in your reply.

Genuinely couldn't be more wrong. I think your actions are stupid, and demeaning of your girlfriend, but I have never been on either side of an even remotely similar situation.

Guest1986 wrote: »

The above post is what morally SHOULD happen but does not help my purely selfish situation of wanting fun now while not ending up lonely next year after all the fun and games are over. That's what I can't figure out. If I can't figure it out I have to compromise and take the lesser option if necessary.

Just so we're clear then, you're perfectly ok with her sleeping around while she's at home? And when you are home, if she unilaterally decides she wants to continue sleeping around, because she "can't stop cheating on her boyfriend"? You're ok with that?

Wonkagirl

Do you have unprotected sex with these other girls? please dont. you could be infecting your poor unfortunate GF with a myriad of nasty STDs. that's me being practical. All other angles covered by others.

Guest1986

Deleted User wrote: »

I however do not.

His reply is perfectly valid and very measured and calm.

In fact his statement is entirely true.

If you are going to sleep around on holidays........

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)

Contessa Raven wrote: »

Hi OP,

You've gone about this the totally wrong way. You should have had this discussion with her before you left. If you did and thought you could be faithful while you were away then the first time you cheated you should have stepped back, assessed the situation and then talked to her about going on a break. But you kept cheating. IMO if she finds out, you've blown it because she will feel utterly betrayed and will want to know why you didn't broach the subject sooner.

I mean, you obviously shouldn't have cheated at all but surely after the first incident you thought about how she'd feel? Or was it a case of out of sight, out of mind?

Honestly, I don't see any way of redeeming yourself here, OP. I think you should confess because she'll find out sooner or later. If you don't want to confess, then just break up with her because she deserves someone who will at least be honest with her and consider her feelings.

This is obviously not true. If you loved her you would have been more considerate towards her. You would have let her go before you hurt her. It sounds to me like you are more afraid of not being able to be with her when it suits you which is incredibly selfish.

You can't have it both ways. You either want to be with her and not hurt her or you want to pull hot women.

I think you've made your choice here already though.


CR

we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it? My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating. The thread title is misleading slightly but was the catchiest of the ones I thought of.


Edit @246(whatever number) I very obviously would prefer if she wasn't sleeping around but I can hardly have the moral highground now can I? Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong. Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

Guest1986

Wonkagirl wrote: »

Do you have unprotected sex with these other girls? please dont. you could be infecting your poor unfortunate GF with a myriad of nasty STDs. that's me being practical. All other angles covered by others.

Agreed.

Contessa Raven

Guest1986 wrote: »

we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it?

My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

It's not selfish to feel the way you do. You are perfectly entitled to feel this way and it's normal for people to go through these things when separated from their partners for prolonged periods.

What is selfish is choosing to please yourself by cheating without even sharing how you feel with your partner. She didn't even have a chance to talk about it with you. You don't know, she may have been feeling the same way as you and didn't want to rock the boat by saying it.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating.

Why don't you then? If you're that worried about the effect it will have on your relationship then stop.
If you think it's possible to stop, yet you haven't even tried, is that not selfish? I think it is. And I think your gf would think so too.

What you do is your own business, OP but you did ask us for our opinions on what to do. I still stand by what I said in my last post as to what I think you should do. I can understand that you may feel judged but the majority of people here are trying to help you see how to avoid doing this to someone in future.

CR

28064212

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)
we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it? My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating. The thread title is misleading slightly but was the catchiest of the ones I thought of.

Edit @246(whatever number) I very obviously would prefer if she wasn't sleeping around but I can hardly have the moral highground now can I? Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong. Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

You have three options:

1. Stay faithful to the woman you claim to love
2. Ask her for a break if you want to live the single life
3. Live the single life and don't tell her

Option 3 is wrong. You know it's wrong. You know if she ever found out, she'd almost certainly break up with you immediately. Option 2 is perfectly reasonable, but she gets to have a say, as is her right.

You say you'd prefer if she wasn't sleeping around. Do you think you'd probably break up with her if you found out she was doing it behind your back? Put yourself in her shoes

prinz

Guest1986 wrote: »

Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it?

No it isn't. If you are too young for it, then get out, and do both of you a favour.

Guest1986 wrote: »

My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while.

Bit of a catch-22. Like a kid who wants ice-cream and crisps. Break up with her, maybe when you get back she'll take you back. You have no right to live a lie with her.

Guest1986 wrote: »

Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

tbh it seems you are waiting for someone to high five and tell you to keep going...

Elle Collins

Guest1986 wrote: »

Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it?

No, it isn't - but it is the absolute height of selfishness to keep these thoughts on the q-t while you ride rings around yourself.

Guest1986 wrote: »

Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong.

You don't get to choose what way people respond when you post for advice on a public message board - and yes, you are doing something hurtful, damaging and very wrong, as you are fully well aware.

magneticimpulse

Please get an STD check up...you are being completely careless.

Please DUMP your girlfriend, if you love her so much, she deserves to be going out with someone who is not dropping his pants at anything that moves.

Why do you insist on having a girlfriend? Please just be single and then you are free to shag anybody you want and please wear a condom with these girls during intercourse and not have oral sex (as in spread your sperm and germs around).

Men like you grow a species of women into mad crazy bunny boilers and man haters...think about what your doing.

What goes around comes around...as in one woman wont be happy youve messed her about and its a stalking situation waiting to happen

Guest1986

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)

I would suggest that it is impossible to advise people without applying some measure of judgement. They need to judge you, and consider the feelings of the people involved and the possible outcomes of your actions and inactions in order to formulate advice to give you.

Value judgements will be unavoidable when giving you any level of response, so I would advise you to realise this, suck it up, and consider the advice given on to you on it's face alone instead of considering if how that advice is given offends you personally.

The advice is good, even if the judgements made while giving it are personally distasteful to you and I think you should take the advice most have been giving you so far. It is all very sound advice.

magneticimpulse

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far. I'll be living abroad for the next year or so and that's the reason why I want to go out and have fun with other girls. After I go back home to reality I won't have a problem being faithful. Heck I'd marry the girl without a thought.

I'm in a situation that many people have been in before in that I feel like I'm too young to be with the girl I'm eventually going to marry. The problem is that I'm currently with the girl I plan on marrying (somehow marrying). I'd just love to know what to say to her to break it off in a way that wouldn't hurt her so much that shed never get back with me.

I hope one of the girls you sleep with has facebook and emails your so called girlfriend...because no girl in her right mind would want to marry you. Just break up and find a girl who is living in the same country as you. Marriage is about love but also 100% about trust and being with "1" person. No woman would want to marry someone who is shagging anyone in sight. At least give her the option to sleep with other people?

These things always get found out...i live abroad and I can tell you exactly what guys back in Dublin are doing. The internet these days has so much information its so easy to find out who is shagging who. I hope theres not many men like you out there, you give them a bad name.

magneticimpulse

Guest1986 wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I came here to be as honest as I could and try get my head round things (it is genuinely helping me too) I dint need to be judged for what I'm doing. (maybe I deserve to be. Just not here)
we did talk bout it but I didn't know I'd feel this way at the time. Its not selfish to think you are too young for a serious relationship is it? My worry is that I won't be ever able to have her back after I've done the single thing for a while. Another reason is because I actually am considering her feelings. I don't wNt to hurt her cause I know shes so mad about me.

BTW its possible for me to stop cheating. The thread title is misleading slightly but was the catchiest of the ones I thought of.


Edit @246(whatever number) I very obviously would prefer if she wasn't sleeping around but I can hardly have the moral highground now can I? Please do not post here trying to inform me that I'm doing something wrong. Although I don't mind too much once it's constructive.

Yes of course you cant take the moral highground, you at least have to give the girlfriend the opportunity to shag whoever and as many guys as she wants in the next year.

As for telling you that your doing something wrong??? Well you obviously dont think so, so i feel sorry for any girl you ever have sex with, marry or who gets lumped in a relationship with you as you dont seem to have a moral bone in your body.

LegacyUser

you might love her...just not enough.
You're not thinking with your head OR your heart, rather another part of your anatomy?!
Take a break, sow your wild oats, figure out what/who you want/are, if you're meant to be with this girl, it'll all work out in the end. But allow her the freedom you're "enjoying", if you've ANY feelings for her, don't lock her into what she thinks is a monogamous relationship. Courage!

Guest1986

Jesus magneticimpulse. Your doing exactly what I asked you not to do you wrote 3 huge posts complaining about me as a person.("no body would ever want to marry you") Please do not post here again. Thanks to everybody for their input. I'm not going to continue to cheat on my girlfriend. That was never an option. I didn't come here for a pat on the back:rolleyes: I may have been with other girls but I'm actually a nice person.

As for the STD thing I cannot roll my eyes enough at that comment. It is the produce of the catholic influence that this country had in the past. You don't need an STD test because you have sex before marriage :pac:

Breaking up with her and "doing the right thing" was never an option here. I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME. I also don't want to hurt my gf's feelings. Telling her would go against both of those things so I've now written that off as an option. Basically everyone loses in that situation.

I'm starting to lean towards just being with her cause while it is extremely fun to do the single thing it probably isn't worth sacrificing such a good relationship.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

Shellygoose

Guest1986 wrote: »

I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

Seriously....are you for real???? You want the best of everything without any regard for the hurt that you could cause your gf if she found out.
And could you honestly carry on with your relationship knowing that you had been unfaithful? I personally couldnt...the guilt would be too much for me to deal with.
I think you should consider how you would feel if your gf said everything that you have posted here.....gutted I reckon

magneticimpulse

Guest1986 wrote: »

Jesus magneticimpulse. Your doing exactly what I asked you not to do you wrote 3 huge posts complaining about me as a person.("no body would ever want to marry you") Please do not post here again. Thanks to everybody for their input. I'm not going to continue to cheat on my girlfriend. That was never an option. I didn't come here for a pat on the back:rolleyes: I may have been with other girls but I'm actually a nice person.

As for the STD thing I cannot roll my eyes enough at that comment. It is the produce of the catholic influence that this country had in the past. You don't need an STD test because you have sex before marriage :pac:

Breaking up with her and "doing the right thing" was never an option here. I'm human and I'm selfish so I want this to work out best for ME. I also don't want to hurt my gf's feelings. Telling her would go against both of those things so I've now written that off as an option. Basically everyone loses in that situation.

I'm starting to lean towards just being with her cause while it is extremely fun to do the single thing it probably isn't worth sacrificing such a good relationship.

What I was hoping for ideally was some creative way that I could have fun for a while while she's not even in the same country but then have her when she is. Continuing to cheat solves that provided I don't get caught but you always get caught if you do it regularly.

Any thoughts?

I dont think ive ever come across anybody quite like you OP on this. You have to be taking the p*ss.

"but your a really nice guy"....no your not and im glad i will never meet you, sleep with you...i know nice guys and you are not one of them.

STD tests have nothing to do with sex before marriage (im not even catholic but what does that matter),
but good luck explaining that to your so called soon to be wife when she gets thrush, HIV, cervical cancer, herpes, genital warts, Gonorhea, Syphylis, Chlamydia, Pubic Lice or Crabs, Vaginitis, Hepatitis

Not to mention she could be infertile from one of these and then never have any of your children.

Yes I have a suggestion, you might want to seek medical advice to have STD check. Get your girlfriend to get STD check as god knows what you have passed onto her. Also seek professional counciling on how to deal with people and not treat people like sh*t that you can walk all over.

I am a friend

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I dont think ive ever come across anybody quite like you OP on this.

Its the same as the one which was running on Personal Issues and closed today... Sounds very similar indeed - same attitude, same arrogance and same selfishness.. Ah well let them off.

magneticimpulse

I am a friend wrote: »

Its the same as the one which was running on Personal Issues and closed today... Sounds very similar indeed - same attitude, same arrogance and same selfishness.. Ah well let them off.

Yeah just read that, said he works in a very "male dominanted" place, sounds like an Army lad in that case, who thinks all men are like that...and all the other lads do that...well giving other Army lads a bad name


hmmm my advice, what goes around comes around and dont date Army guys hehe

Nevyn

magneticimpulse banned for badgering and brow beating the OP

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Thaedydal