Gutted

CDfm

@IrishEyes - I think you misunderstand what I am saying. When you have a history of a relationship with someone their behavior is predictable. I have been in situations with an ex where it was easier for me to agree with what she said so I could get the hell out of there. Maybe the OH is doing the same because it is handy.

You know the old joke. I always wanted to meet Miss Right but i didnt know that her first name was Always.

You might say why would anyone do this and the reason would be that the behavior may be so like the past that its a quick fix to go. So OP you may well get the answer may be nothing happened but you are so insistant it has that your OH says fine it did and I am outta here.

The hard option here is to look at your own behavior and maybe even couple counselling for either staying together or how you conduvct yourselves in front of the child and co-parent.

Its a relationship and not an interrogation. Would I put up with it OP -No.Would I go to couple counselling with you - I dont honestly know as I dont know enough about the previous relationship.

seenitall

CDfm wrote: »

@IrishEyes - I think you misunderstand what I am saying. When you have a history of a relationship with someone their behavior is predictable. I have been in situations with an ex where it was easier for me to agree with what she said so I could get the hell out of there. Maybe the OH is doing the same because it is handy.

You know the old joke. I always wanted to meet Miss Right but i didnt know that her first name was Always.

You might say why would anyone do this and the reason would be that the behavior may be so like the past that its a quick fix to go. So OP you may well get the answer may be nothing happened but you are so insistant it has that your OH says fine it did and I am outta here.

The hard option here is to look at your own behavior and maybe even couple counselling for either staying together or how you conduvct yourselves in front of the child and co-parent.

Its a relationship and not an interrogation. Would I put up with it OP -No.Would I go to couple counselling with you - I dont honestly know as I dont know enough about the previous relationship.

Right. The guy admits to lying on another woman's bed kissing her only after he is caught red-handed having sent the other woman a flirty msg about "an amazing time", yet you figure it could all be in the OP's mind and she pressured the poor guy into a false confession??

Oh dear...

CDfm

seenitall wrote: »

Right. The guy admits to lying on another woman's bed kissing her only after he is caught red-handed having sent the other woman a flirty msg about "an amazing time", yet you figure it could all be in the OP's mind and she pressured the poor guy into a false confession??

Oh dear...

I am not saying that at all. I am only relating it to my own life experiences and suggesting that the OP go back over the events of the past few days to be certain that her interpretation of events matches up with reality.

You miss my point. If you have a "here we go again situation" that you want out of it is easy to agree to something that may not be true to get the outcome you want. People do that all the time.

I am not saying the OP is wrong but I am saying in the heat of the moment it is easy to jump to conclusions. I would dump a cheater myself but I would give myself a period of quite reflection to work it out first. If I couldnt work it out rationally I would talk to someone I could trust.

seenitall

I see.

Well, IMO (obviously), when someone is not even as bothered about their current relationship as for their first thought in this kind of situation to be getting out of a (in this case self-inflicted, may I add) pickle "easy", then that person has no business being in the said relationship in the first place. "People do it all the time"? What people? Not any people I would have any respect for, anyway, or recommend as partners to anyone I respect.

Relationships are for responsible grown-ups who work things through and tell the truth. This guy fails miserably whatever way you look at it.

ppink

It is of course possible that he just said "amazing time as usual" as a way of making the girl he has left feel better about the situation.....almost like I really like you and have a great time with you but I actually still love OP.

guest071010

CDfm wrote: »

OP -you werent there and don't know what happened.

Now if it were me in your OH's shoes and I was being accused anyway I would nod and go along with it. You have decided in your own mind he cheated and no matter what has happened you have filled in the blanks.

I am not saying you are trying to sabotage your relationship but you are trying to dictate how he should have treated his "ex".

Thats how I see it. Now , it may be that your OH is keeping his options open and we don't know what caused the original split.(nor do I want to know) or he might be behaving in a civilised way about it & this does not suit you.

So I have to ask myself is there less to this than meets the eye.

Hi CDfm, thanks for your input and opinion.. Maybe I haven't been clear in what I've said so far, although seenitall seems to have an excellent handle on the situation.. Firstly, I haven't decided in my own mind he cheated. I read the message and confronted him. First off he told me she kissed him and he pushed her away. But because of what he said in his message to her: "Had an amazing time with you as always " I knew that it couldn't have just been a kiss that he put a stop to. So when he was challenged he admitted to it being more than just a kiss but he didn't sleep with her. I could have asked for exact details of what they did together but I really don't see the point. He admitted to being intimate with her, he stayed with her for a few hours, in her bed, they had an amazing time. Ergo, he cheated.

Secondly, I am not trying to dictate how he should have treated her. I am simply saying under no circumstances should he have been intimate with her. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Thirdly, cheating on me with his ex is not him "behaving in a civilised way". It's disgusting and unforgivable.

I know I'm repeating myself now but it just boils down to one thing for me. Based on the fact that I had just agreed to take him back after him chasing me for 9 months, which was supposedly a dream come true for him, and if he truly loved me, he simply would not have been intimate with his ex when he was there to say goodbye.

CDfm

OP - I am not defending your OH but just saying take it easy.For me cheating is a no-no and I wish you all the best.

seenitall

ppink wrote: »

It is of course possible that he just said "amazing time as usual" as a way of making the girl he has left feel better about the situation.....almost like I really like you and have a great time with you but I actually still love OP.

Yes. Possible but not dam likely, given the revelations that followed.

It is also possible that it will snow in the South Pacific tomorrow.

CDfm

seenitall wrote: »

Yes. Possible but not dam likely, given the revelations that followed.

It is also possible that it will snow in the South Pacific tomorrow.

It is also a bit sad for the OP and her child that it is so. Then I am a bit of a romantic .

IrishEyes19

CDfm wrote: »

@IrishEyes - I think you misunderstand what I am saying. When you have a history of a relationship with someone their behavior is predictable. I have been in situations with an ex where it was easier for me to agree with what she said so I could get the hell out of there. Maybe the OH is doing the same because it is handy.

You know the old joke. I always wanted to meet Miss Right but i didnt know that her first name was Always.

You might say why would anyone do this and the reason would be that the behavior may be so like the past that its a quick fix to go. So OP you may well get the answer may be nothing happened but you are so insistant it has that your OH says fine it did and I am outta here.

The hard option here is to look at your own behavior and maybe even couple counselling for either staying together or how you conduvct yourselves in front of the child and co-parent.

Its a relationship and not an interrogation. Would I put up with it OP -No.Would I go to couple counselling with you - I dont honestly know as I dont know enough about the previous relationship.

I understand what you're saying, CDfm, prob is, from my experiences too its gone the other way, so I guess it really does chalk down to the individual. Point taken though. I guess also we'll never truly know what happens here either.

CDfm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I understand what you're saying, CDfm, prob is, from my experiences too its gone the other way, so I guess it really does chalk down to the individual. Point taken though. I guess also we'll never truly know what happens here either.

The OP is acting on her instincts here but her OH may also be.

The why's and wherefores are anyones guess.

seenitall

CDfm wrote: »

It is also a bit sad for the OP and her child that it is so. Then I am a bit of a romantic .

Sorry CDfm, but given I have been reading your posts on boards for a while now, I would describe you as anything BUT a romantic!

I don't mean anything "bad" by that either.

I am a friend

OP, I am not trying to kick you when you are down but the signs were there... He was trying to cop off with you when he was living with her. You were almost (except you chose not to be), the other woman... He cant say the relationship was dead as he was still sleeping with her until recently. He wanted out but was hedging his bets as he didnt want to be single in the middle.

There is NO excuse for a goodbye / closure talk moving from a car to a kitchen to the bedroom to hands all over each other...

You are very strong and you are very right. He is not, by all appearances, an honourable guy. He is weak, a liar and prone to being unfaithful - a leopard doesnt change his spots.

CDfm

seenitall wrote: »

Sorry CDfm, but given I have been reading your posts on boards for a while now, I would describe you as anything BUT a romantic!

I don't mean anything "bad" by that either.

I know you didn't and for the OP I wish it were not so but I always try to think things thru and the reality isn't always nice. It would be nice if life was fairer to some people.:)

Cheeky_gal

Thumbs up OP you did the right thing. You actually do sound like a proper lady, you're child is going to grow up very happy with you

All the best, and great decision- do not turn back

ilovefridays

moving from the kitchen table to the 'bed' :rolleyes:

i dont understand why he had to get closure?? he obviously still has feelings for her. any long term ex's i've had, we certainly didnt meet a month or two after we broke up , 'for closure'. the relationship is closed from the minute you call it a day. if this was closure then why was there FB messages afterwards. if i was in your shoes i'd feel like he was making a fool out of me behind my back.

your well rid, some ppl say 'ah but there's a kid involved' . thats BS. tell him to go back to her , cos you are worth more than that

if you do forgive him, how will you know if he is meeting up with her behind your back. you said she still loves him and was crying in the car, so im sure she is vunerable and will be sending him texts/mails now and again, asking hows things and fancy meeting up for a chat

guest071010

CDfm wrote: »

OP - I am not defending your OH but just saying take it easy.For me cheating is a no-no and I wish you all the best.

thanks CDfm

I am a friend wrote: »

OP, I am not trying to kick you when you are down but the signs were there... He was trying to cop off with you when he was living with her. You were almost (except you chose not to be), the other woman... He cant say the relationship was dead as he was still sleeping with her until recently. He wanted out but was hedging his bets as he didnt want to be single in the middle.

There is NO excuse for a goodbye / closure talk moving from a car to a kitchen to the bedroom to hands all over each other...

You are very strong and you are very right. He is not, by all appearances, an honourable guy. He is weak, a liar and prone to being unfaithful - a leopard doesnt change his spots.

yeah you're totally right, the signs were there.. I didn't ignore them entirely but didn't pay enough attention.. thanks for that

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Thumbs up OP you did the right thing. You actually do sound like a proper lady, you're child is going to grow up very happy with you

All the best, and great decision- do not turn back

aw thank you I most certainly will not be turning back.. onwards and upwards :cool:

ilovefridays wrote: »

moving from the kitchen table to the 'bed' :rolleyes:

i dont understand why he had to get closure?? he obviously still has feelings for her. any long term ex's i've had, we certainly didnt meet a month or two after we broke up , 'for closure'. the relationship is closed from the minute you call it a day. if this was closure then why was there FB messages afterwards. if i was in your shoes i'd feel like he was making a fool out of me behind my back.

your well rid, some ppl say 'ah but there's a kid involved' . thats BS. tell him to go back to her , cos you are worth more than that

if you do forgive him, how will you know if he is meeting up with her behind your back. you said she still loves him and was crying in the car, so im sure she is vunerable and will be sending him texts/mails now and again, asking hows things and fancy meeting up for a chat

yep clearly he does still have feelings for her.. he's a very messed up man.. I actually feel sorry for him.. he's lost so much.. but it isn't mine or my daughters fault that he's confused and weak and needs to grow up..

I was so upset when I first found out, devastated.. when I met with two days later I had come to the conclusion that he was confused and clearly didn't feel about me the way he thought he did.. but after speaking to him for an hour it became very apparent very quickly that he hadn't changed a bit in the time we were apart.. he's still so self absorbed, makes everything about him.. shouted me down when I tried to vent about what he'd done.. telling me how he felt cheated out of his family because he made one stupid mistake.. he didn't even apologise to my face.. w*nker.. anyway, I walked away from him that day with a sense of relief - thank God I'm realising all of this now and not two years down the line, possibly pregnant.. doesn't bear thinking about! :eek:

thks guys

I am a friend

guest071010 wrote: »

it became very apparent very quickly that he hadn't changed a bit in the time we were apart.. he's still so self absorbed, makes everything about him.. shouted me down when I tried to vent about what he'd done.. telling me how he felt cheated out of his family because he made one stupid mistake.. he didn't even apologise to my face..

OMG :eek::eek::eek::eek:

Well done to you!!! You have had a very lucky escape. Onwards and upwards and I hope you meet as man good enough for you