Gutted

guest071010

Apologies in advance for the long windedness of this!

Where to start.... Myself and my ex recently got back together. We have a daughter, she's 5. There were a few tricky reasons why we broke up. We were apart for over two years. In that time we both were involved in pretty serious relationships with other people, but they didn't work out.

Over the past few months we started to get along a lot better, old feelings came to the surface, and about a month ago we started to talk about the possibility of getting back together. There is still a lot of love between us and a very strong bond.

So after much discussion, sorting through stuff, tears etc, we decided to give it another go. We've been taking things pretty slowly but it felt great. It was clearly something we were both really happy about, for ourselves and our daughter.

All in all, things were looking really good for us. Until tonight.

We were browsing on the computer looking at holidays, thinking about going to Euro Disney in November, and mid browse he opened his Facebook page. He had a few new msgs and I spotted one of them was from his ex.

My heart sank. I didn't let on I spotted it. He got really shifty, was very reluctant to leave the room or leave me with the computer alone. My gut was screaming at me to read the message.

So when he left the room I read it.

They met last night so he could 'say goodbye'. Even though they broke up earlier this year as far as I can make out they've been meeting each other regularly since then and were intimate on occasion. He hadn't met her since the end of August. Since then she's been wondering why he wouldn't meet up so he met her to tell her that we had gotten back together.

I knew from the message something happened between them. So I confronted him and knew straight away by the look on his face I was right. He told me he didn't sleep with her. But I know they kissed and I know that wasn't all, so maybe he didn't have sex with her but probably did whatever else besides.

He told me he won't ever see her again. He met up with her to 'close that door'. In her message on Facebook she wished us, me and him, the best of luck.

I feel sick. My heart is beating out of my chest.

Part of me feels it's a no brainer... walk away, I deserve better.

Then there's the part of me that loves him and was so happy to be back together.

Asshole.

LegacyUser

Think, who's the guy she said goodbye to? Who's the guy sitting in her house right now, without any threat/pressure/ultimatum to her to end the other relationship? YOU.
She's chosen you, she wants to be with you, ye were apart for 2years, she's kicked the other guy to the kerb, you are the father of her child& the guy she's chosen to be with, put it behind you. You've a daughter to think about, forget your dented pride& be happy the other guy is out of the picture for good& ye can move on& build from this.

barleybooley

Sorry to hear you're upset OP. I don't think you should leave him. He met up with her for closure. She knows the score and wished ye well. Also, it's not just about the two of you, ye have a daughter together. It'd be so confusing for her if things ended now again. I wouldn't think any more about it. Just look forward to yer future together and bringing your child on holidays.

I hope this helps.

jimmycrackcorm

It does look like he was undertaking some form of closure but very belatedly. Everyone deserves a second chance but not a third; I'd let this go on the basis that it's different than had he been starting out to have an affair for example.

guest071010

thanks guys..

I hear what you're both saying.. and yeah obviously he met her for closure but to be intimate with her? In his message to her he said he had an "amazing time" with her "as usual" .. so instantly I think of them together.. It's like a knife in my heart. How can our relationship begin again with him cheating on me?

Also, does this not mean he still has feelings for her?

Why the f**k couldn't he just have gone and said what he had to say.. supposedly she got very upset so he comforted her, that's when they kissed. I don't know full details, I don't think I want to know, but he swears he didn't sleep with her. But I know it wasn't just kissing.

I don't know how to forgive him or if I even want to. I hate him for doing this to me.

LegacyUser

Op my heart is breaking for you....

I dont agree with the other posters... Its still cheating pure and simple. If you are together you are together and there is no need to see an ex for closure...

Where did he tell you he was when he was actually with her?? Did he lie about that?

I couldnt do it. There is so much BS around 'closure'. I dont need to see my ex for closure when I love my gf, with whom I have a kid and am making a go of our relationship again. He was having a fling and hopefully it was only to happen once but how will you ever know for sure....

guest071010

sdfgsdgfj wrote: »

Op my heart is breaking for you....

I dont agree with the other posters... Its still cheating pure and simple. If you are together you are together and there is no need to see an ex for closure...

Where did he tell you he was when he was actually with her?? Did he lie about that?

I couldnt do it. There is so much BS around 'closure'. I dont need to see my ex for closure when I love my gf, with whom I have a kid and am making a go of our relationship again. He was having a fling and hopefully it was only to happen once but how will you ever know for sure....

thks for your reply..

yeah it is pure and simple, he did cheated on me.. what a great start to our relationship! I knew where he was before he met her, I assumed he went home after that.. so he didn't lie, just didn't tell me.

I know we're all human and we all make mistakes.. and I know I'm not the first gf to be cheated on and people move on from things like this. But I really don't know want to anything to do with him after this. My stomach turns every time I think of them together, I lay awake all night crying, feeling like there was a knife lodged in my heart. It's still there this morning.

Has anyone here been cheated on? How do you get past something like this?

twinQuins

OP, to be frank you honestly don't know what actually happened. You could be completely wrong but from your tone you seem to want to think he's cheated.

How do you know they kissed? Did he tell you?

guest071010

Morkarleth wrote: »

OP, to be frank you honestly don't know what actually happened. You could be completely wrong but from your tone you seem to want to think he's cheated.

How do you know they kissed? Did he tell you?

Hi, yeah he told me they kissed.. and in his msg to her he told her he had an "amazing time with her as usual".. and I know from talking to him last night it wasn't just kissing, I don't want to know the gorey details. He said he was fully clothed and they didn't sleep together but they kissed and were intimate.

Trust me, this is not something I want

Mighty_Mouse

Life is not black and white. There is always overlapping relationships, conflicting emotions, uncertainity etc etc.............he needed time to adjust to getting back with you.
He wants to be with you more.
He didn't cheat out of malice, laddish behaviour, relationship unhappiness ..............he basically kissed an old lover goodbye.

IMO forgive & forget.
Remember the important thing is he wants to be with you & it won't happen again.
Move on. Enjoy getting back together.
Forget about it completely. i.e. dont bring it up the 1st row ye have

StarryMoon0

I see where your coming from.
If it was me, I'd feel the same as if he was making a commitment to rebuild your relationship he shouldn't have gone off to have "closure" which involved intamacy and kissing and whatever else happened.

Closure could have been an email, a phone call, or a cup of coffee in Bewleys for 20 mins. Its one thing to break things off cleanly, and to have repsect for the other person by doing it in a mature way. But to me, on his part it doesn't sound like a clean break. A clean break is maybe at most a hug. Fair play to the other woman for wishing him well.

How can you build trust and intamacy when he starts out the process by doing this? Its disrespectful.

Yes some posters are saying "you've won so get over it" but I understand how it settles into the mind.

A good open and honest chat may be in order, to clear the air of this. If it gets swept under the carpet it will undermine your new start. If he refuses to see how damaging and disrespectful his actions were, you may have to ask yourself if you DO deserve better.

astra2000

Hi op imo it sounds like your bf still has feelings for his ex. But he did choose to be with you and to let go of this relationship. I do not agree with what he did at all but I think that when he met up with her he didnt intend to end up been intimate with her he probably felt he owed it to her to be honest about starting over with you. Having said that if your relationship is to continue you need to be able to trust him completely. You should take your time on making a decision and listen to what he has to say. Was he ever unfaithful when you were previously together if that was the case I would say walk away now.
Best of luck op

LegacyUser

guest071010 wrote: »

thks for your reply..

yeah it is pure and simple, he did cheated on me.. what a great start to our relationship! I knew where he was before he met her, I assumed he went home after that.. so he didn't lie, just didn't tell me.

I know we're all human and we all make mistakes.. and I know I'm not the first gf to be cheated on and people move on from things like this. But I really don't know want to anything to do with him after this. My stomach turns every time I think of them together, I lay awake all night crying, feeling like there was a knife lodged in my heart. It's still there this morning.

Has anyone here been cheated on? How do you get past something like this?

What is he saying about all of this? How is he handling it?

If it was more than kissing then it should have stopped at kissing (even though that would have been bad enough). I cannot believe all the people on here saying to forgive and forget... He has cheated on you before you even got comfortable again with you. This is NOT A NEW relationship, its a couple relationship but also a parenting relationship and if he really wanted (sorry OP) to make it work he would not have needed closure especially by way of mauling each other. I could understand if it was new a neither of you knew where it was going but the decision had been made by this time...

He is only half in your relationship and given the start to it, I would seriously consider my options if I were you... You dont need this cr@p from someone who is supposed to love you.... Best of luck.

Zen65

guest071010 wrote: »

They met last night so he could 'say goodbye'. Even though they broke up earlier this year as far as I can make out they've been meeting each other regularly since then and were intimate on occasion. He hadn't met her since the end of August. Since then she's been wondering why he wouldn't meet up so he met her to tell her that we had gotten back together.

Perhaps I've watched too many movies, or read too many threads here, but here's how I see it:

She stayed in contact with him believing he would go back to her, and that he'd recall the reasons the two of you split up to begin with.

Somewhere along the line (August) he tells her it's over, he's going back to you (knows what he wants, still loves you, loves his daughter, etc.)

She wants to meet up for "closure" (perhaps she thought she'd persuade him he was making a mistake). They meet, she kisses him (it takes two, of course, but only one to start). Perhaps he briefly enjoys the familiarity of it, but stops because he does not want to mess up the relationship with you. He makes it clear that he can't go back to her, his mind is made up, etc etc. They part, she wishes all three of you the very best (genuinely - remember that if you were his life partner for so many years there's a good chance he had a partner with similar outlook as yourself in the interim, in fact in other circumstances the two of you might have been friends).

In his mind then, it's all over and his life starts now with you and your daughter. Perhaps he was unwise to have met her, but I suspect he never intended anything to come of it and thought this would be a simple meeting without complication.

It would be a bitter twist to this movie if you now kicked him out:

Your new life together as a family is ended before it's really begun, his gf is unlikely to want him back (after all, he's made it clear that she was runner-up to you), and your daughter has her family torn apart just as it seemed it was coming together.


If it was me, I'd write it off as part of the baggage that was your two years apart. You're both starting afresh, give it a decent chance before you bury it.


Be at peace,

Z

ash23

He was "intimate" with another woman. So I'm assuming they didn't meet in a public place for a coffee and then have a prolonged goodbye kiss that lasted a few seconds longer than it should have?

He was somewhere private with her. He was in a place where he could be "intimate" with her. At some point the lightbulb would have gone off in his head that he was crossing a line. He ignored that lighbulb moment and carried on to get his rocks off.

While you, his girlfriend, the one he loved and lost and was fortunate enough to get back again, was at home with his daughter.

Bollocks to that.

No way was that an innocent slip.

He cheated and the first thing you have to do is stop making excuses for him. He cheated, plain as the nose on your face. And he didn't do it, come home and throw himself at your feet, admitting it all and begging forgiveness. He lied. You only know because she messaged him.
Even when he saw the message he tried to get out of you finding out.He tried to hide it from you.

So you know he is capable of deception to save his skin.

Personally, that'd be the end for me. Because I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget and if I stayed it would eat away at me and I wouldn't trust him. And then we'd both be miserable.

If you think you can move on and not let this haunt you every time he goes out, every time he's on facebook, every time his phone beeps, then you can think about forgiving him and staying.

However if you're like me and trust is not something that can be repaired once broken, then save yourself the heartache and end it now.

StarryMoon0

Zen65 wrote: »

She wants to meet up for "closure" (perhaps she thought she'd persuade him he was making a mistake). They meet, she kisses him (it takes two, of course, but only one to start). Perhaps he briefly enjoys the familiarity of it, but stops because he does not want to mess up the relationship with you.

Its one thing to have someome kiss you and you respond briefly before giving your head a shake.. but with the OP saying
"He said he was fully clothed and they didn't sleep together but they kissed and were intimate." , that sounds like a wee bit more than taking 3 seconds to break off lip contact.
And then to be in touch with her AGAIN and say he had a great time as always???

Zen65

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Its one thing to have someome kiss you and you respond briefly before giving your head a shake.. but with the OP saying
"He said he was fully clothed and they didn't sleep together but they kissed and were intimate." , that sounds like a wee bit more than taking 3 seconds to break off lip contact.
And then to be in touch with her AGAIN and say he had a great time as always???

I understand what you're saying, but there is a lot of conjecture going on as to where the line was drawn between kissing and having sex. All we know from OP is that somewhere in between those actions, the line was drawn and he stopped himself. This was not some random woman, she had been his partner for 2 years (or at least a portion of that period... OP isn't specific about it)... so it's not as if he had let himself wander while he was in another relationship.

Do you condemn him for still having feelings for this woman, or accept that he is trying to move on because he stopped what he was doing rather than accepting easy sex, as so many other men might have done in his position?

That he still had (and probably has) feelings for the ex is indicative that the relationship they shared was more than a shag-fest, and that is surely a good thing?? ... It shows he's not simply out for sexual gratification. People cannot turn off their feelings like a light switch, it takes time and effort to adjust to the new situation.

I guess my take on this story is that this guy is not perfect but it does seem he's trying to make this relationship with the OP work, and with a 5-year old child in the middle of this, it's not as simple as saying "out" with the first yellow card.


Be at peace,

Z

ash23

But I know they kissed and I know that wasn't all, so maybe he didn't have sex with her but probably did whatever else besides

OP has said it was more than a kiss. That he has admitted they were "intimate" but didn't have full sex.
To me, thats a red card, not a yellow.

Doesn't matter if it's his ex, the next door neighbour or an escort. Same thing, lies and cheating.


For all those saying about the child, please do not suggest that she should put up with this carry on simply because this man is the father of her child. Because of that fact she deserves so much BETTER than what he is giving her.

OP has said that they have been back together officially since last month. Honestly, its inappropriate that he arranged to meet this girl without telling OP. And he was even joking in his FB message about how he had a great time with her. Not the actions of someone who is remorseful imo.

seenitall

Zen65 wrote: »

Do you condemn him for still having feelings for this woman, or accept that he is trying to move on because he stopped what he was doing rather than accepting easy sex, as so many other men might have done in his position?

Who says he didn't accept easy sex? He does. He's already broken trust by cheating and sending a flirty (not to mention completely disrespectful of his partner) message about "an amazing time, as usual", so he could very easily be lying about that too.

Doesn't sound to me like this guy has a first clue about faithfulness, responsibility or respect that are needed for a relationship to work. Bad news all around.

luciusesox

First off, I am sorry for the pain and worry you must be going through now. I have 2 questions, are they still friends on FB and do you have complete access to his account with his consent to pry?

If the answers are yes and no to these, I'd be very concerned.

guest071010

Hi everyone, thanks so much for taking the time to reply and give your advice and compassion

Since finding out about this on Wednesday night I literally haven't slept. I've gone over it all in my head, asking questions, wondering why, weighing everything up etc etc.. and I eventually came to a conclusion, one simple fact:

If he felt about me the way he says he does, if he truly loved me, then it's plain and simple - he wouldn't have done what he did with her.

some background:

He initially asked me to get back with him in January, when he was still in the relationship with her. I said no and he stayed with her and eventually broke up with her in June. They remained living together until July. Since moving out he has met her a handful of times and they were intimate maybe 3 of these times, last time being in August.. and up until him meeting her on Tues, she has been sending him the odd flirty message, well beyond flirty, sexting I believe is the term?!! So he figures, he needs to meet with her, put a stop to it and tell her about us.

I've just come from talking to him... ouch...
so here's some more info on what actually happened:

He says he had no intention of anything happening between them - I believe that. He says he was trying to make a clean break, close the door, and move on with us - I believe that. They went for coffee and he dropped her home. In the car she got very upset - She is still in love with him and wasn't ever going to see him again. When she hugged him goodbye she broke down so he offered to go inside, to her place, and have a cup of coffee and a chat.

At some point they went from sitting at the kitchen table to lying on her bed. He says he was fully clothed and they didn't have sex, I believe him - he can't lie to save his life. But they were intimate, we'll use our imaginations.... (there's that knife in my heart again ) He was there for a few hours and he had an "amazing time" with her "as always".

So, plain and simple.. If he had a clear head about how he feels about us getting back together, if he loved and respected me the way he says he does, he simply wouldn't have done this.

At some point the lightbulb would've gone off and he should've thought about what he was doing to me, to our daughter, and walked away but he didn't. He stayed for a few hours and had an amazing time with her. So much was resting on his actions, he had our future in his hands, my heart, his family, so many hopes and dreams.. Instead of protecting that and making the right decision, he threw it all away and made it about him and her.

I deserve better than this. My daughter deserves better than this.

He thinks he is clear in his head about how he feels about me, how much he wants a life with me.. he isn't. He's confused. He thinks he knows what he wants but clearly hasn't a clue. If it was clear in his head, if he truly loved me, he would've apologised to her for how hurt she felt, given her a hug and gotten up from the kitchen table and went home.

I suppose part of me is relieved this has happened now, before he moved back into the family home, and not two years down the line or whatever.. I'm thinking - lucky escape. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, I know I'll get over it and me and my daughter will be better off in the long run.

Thanks again guys

astra2000

op I think you have made the right decision given all you just said. I wish you all the best for you and your child.

seenitall

For what it's worth, I also think you have made the right decision for your and your child's future, OP. Well done on being this strong.

And now watch your beloved scarper back into the arms of his ex. Because that's exactly what I think he will do, judging by his actions up to now.

You are so well rid.

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Perhaps I've watched too many movies, or read too many threads here, but here's how I see it:

She stayed in contact with him believing he would go back to her, and that he'd recall the reasons the two of you split up to begin with.

Somewhere along the line (August) he tells her it's over, he's going back to you (knows what he wants, still loves you, loves his daughter, etc.)

She wants to meet up for "closure" (perhaps she thought she'd persuade him he was making a mistake). They meet, she kisses him (it takes two, of course, but only one to start). Perhaps he briefly enjoys the familiarity of it, but stops because he does not want to mess up the relationship with you. He makes it clear that he can't go back to her, his mind is made up, etc etc. They part, she wishes all three of you the very best (genuinely - remember that if you were his life partner for so many years there's a good chance he had a partner with similar outlook as yourself in the interim, in fact in other circumstances the two of you might have been friends).

In his mind then, it's all over and his life starts now with you and your daughter. Perhaps he was unwise to have met her, but I suspect he never intended anything to come of it and thought this would be a simple meeting without complication.

It would be a bitter twist to this movie if you now kicked him out:

Your new life together as a family is ended before it's really begun, his gf is unlikely to want him back (after all, he's made it clear that she was runner-up to you), and your daughter has her family torn apart just as it seemed it was coming together.


If it was me, I'd write it off as part of the baggage that was your two years apart. You're both starting afresh, give it a decent chance before you bury it.


Be at peace,

Z

HE is the one in the relationship with the mother of his child so HE should not have let it get this far....

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

He was "intimate" with another woman. So I'm assuming they didn't meet in a public place for a coffee and then have a prolonged goodbye kiss that lasted a few seconds longer than it should have?

He was somewhere private with her. He was in a place where he could be "intimate" with her. At some point the lightbulb would have gone off in his head that he was crossing a line. He ignored that lighbulb moment and carried on to get his rocks off.

While you, his girlfriend, the one he loved and lost and was fortunate enough to get back again, was at home with his daughter.

Bollocks to that.

No way was that an innocent slip.

He cheated and the first thing you have to do is stop making excuses for him. He cheated, plain as the nose on your face. And he didn't do it, come home and throw himself at your feet, admitting it all and begging forgiveness. He lied. You only know because she messaged him.
Even when he saw the message he tried to get out of you finding out.He tried to hide it from you.

So you know he is capable of deception to save his skin.

Personally, that'd be the end for me. Because I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget and if I stayed it would eat away at me and I wouldn't trust him. And then we'd both be miserable.

If you think you can move on and not let this haunt you every time he goes out, every time he's on facebook, every time his phone beeps, then you can think about forgiving him and staying.

However if you're like me and trust is not something that can be repaired once broken, then save yourself the heartache and end it now.

+ 150%

You are setting yourself up for torture here if you cant trust him and you cant... Sorry.

LegacyUser

guest071010 wrote: »

Hi everyone, thanks so much for taking the time to reply and give your advice and compassion

Since finding out about this on Wednesday night I literally haven't slept. I've gone over it all in my head, asking questions, wondering why, weighing everything up etc etc.. and I eventually came to a conclusion, one simple fact:

If he felt about me the way he says he does, if he truly loved me, then it's plain and simple - he wouldn't have done what he did with her.

some background:

He initially asked me to get back with him in January, when he was still in the relationship with her. I said no and he stayed with her and eventually broke up with her in June. They remained living together until July. Since moving out he has met her a handful of times and they were intimate maybe 3 of these times, last time being in August.. and up until him meeting her on Tues, she has been sending him the odd flirty message, well beyond flirty, sexting I believe is the term?!! So he figures, he needs to meet with her, put a stop to it and tell her about us.

I've just come from talking to him... ouch...
so here's some more info on what actually happened:

He says he had no intention of anything happening between them - I believe that. He says he was trying to make a clean break, close the door, and move on with us - I believe that. They went for coffee and he dropped her home. In the car she got very upset - She is still in love with him and wasn't ever going to see him again. When she hugged him goodbye she broke down so he offered to go inside, to her place, and have a cup of coffee and a chat.

At some point they went from sitting at the kitchen table to lying on her bed. He says he was fully clothed and they didn't have sex, I believe him - he can't lie to save his life. But they were intimate, we'll use our imaginations.... (there's that knife in my heart again ) He was there for a few hours and he had an "amazing time" with her "as always".

So, plain and simple.. If he had a clear head about how he feels about us getting back together, if he loved and respected me the way he says he does, he simply wouldn't have done this.

At some point the lightbulb would've gone off and he should've thought about what he was doing to me, to our daughter, and walked away but he didn't. He stayed for a few hours and had an amazing time with her. So much was resting on his actions, he had our future in his hands, my heart, his family, so many hopes and dreams.. Instead of protecting that and making the right decision, he threw it all away and made it about him and her.

I deserve better than this. My daughter deserves better than this.

He thinks he is clear in his head about how he feels about me, how much he wants a life with me.. he isn't. He's confused. He thinks he knows what he wants but clearly hasn't a clue. If it was clear in his head, if he truly loved me, he would've apologised to her for how hurt she felt, given her a hug and gotten up from the kitchen table and went home.

I suppose part of me is relieved this has happened now, before he moved back into the family home, and not two years down the line or whatever.. I'm thinking - lucky escape. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, I know I'll get over it and me and my daughter will be better off in the long run.

Thanks again guys

I have to be honest, you sound like an absolute lady and such a good role model for your kid.

So this boyo was living with someone and asking you back. You had the manners and self respect not to fall for it and he continued living with her til June and sleeping her after while wooing you???

Hon, I cant even imagine how hard it is but you are so much better off without this messing in your life. Congrats on being so brave... No offense and no reflection on you but he will be back living with her by Halloween...

I am so sorry you have to go through this but you know what, as you say, its better now than 2 years time. Best of luck for your future.

goose2005

guest071010 wrote: »

thanks guys..

I hear what you're both saying.. and yeah obviously he met her for closure but to be intimate with her? In his message to her he said he had an "amazing time" with her "as usual" .. so instantly I think of them together.. It's like a knife in my heart. How can our relationship begin again with him cheating on me?

Also, does this not mean he still has feelings for her?

Why the f**k couldn't he just have gone and said what he had to say.. supposedly she got very upset so he comforted her, that's when they kissed. I don't know full details, I don't think I want to know, but he swears he didn't sleep with her. But I know it wasn't just kissing.

I don't know how to forgive him or if I even want to. I hate him for doing this to me.

It sounds like he was just letting her down easy.

seenitall

goose2005 wrote: »

It sounds like he was just letting her down easy.

Yes... so easy that in fact he cheated...

Would you be ok with your g/f letting her ex down easy by ending up on a bed with him kissing and, er, stuff? :rolleyes: I doubt it.

guest071010

goose2005 wrote: »

It sounds like he was just letting her down easy.

Yeah, gosh, such a gent..

so you think it's acceptable that he cheated?

CDfm

OP -you werent there and don't know what happened.

Now if it were me in your OH's shoes and I was being accused anyway I would nod and go along with it. You have decided in your own mind he cheated and no matter what has happened you have filled in the blanks.

I am not saying you are trying to sabotage your relationship but you are trying to dictate how he should have treated his "ex".

Thats how I see it. Now , it may be that your OH is keeping his options open and we don't know what caused the original split.(nor do I want to know) or he might be behaving in a civilised way about it & this does not suit you.

So I have to ask myself is there less to this than meets the eye.

IrishEyes19

A couple of months ago I would have said, look he made a mistake, its always tricky with exes and one thing leads to another. But after a similiar experience to you, OP, I'm inclined to say if he was gliding back and forth between her in the first place with him being intimate 3 times after they broke up and him getting intimate with her when you were together when he initially went to end it, I wouldn't trust it. Quite frankly because i was in a similar situation to yours and his heart was never in it again after that happened. Obviously every situation is different, I just have doubts when a guy or girl can freely break up with someone but get intimate with them still after the breakup, especially if they are so called in love with someone else. It is still cheating in my opinion and I think to save yourself further heartbreak you need to evaluate if it is truly worth it in the long run.

CDfm

@IrishEyes - I think you misunderstand what I am saying. When you have a history of a relationship with someone their behavior is predictable. I have been in situations with an ex where it was easier for me to agree with what she said so I could get the hell out of there. Maybe the OH is doing the same because it is handy.

You know the old joke. I always wanted to meet Miss Right but i didnt know that her first name was Always.

You might say why would anyone do this and the reason would be that the behavior may be so like the past that its a quick fix to go. So OP you may well get the answer may be nothing happened but you are so insistant it has that your OH says fine it did and I am outta here.

The hard option here is to look at your own behavior and maybe even couple counselling for either staying together or how you conduvct yourselves in front of the child and co-parent.

Its a relationship and not an interrogation. Would I put up with it OP -No.Would I go to couple counselling with you - I dont honestly know as I dont know enough about the previous relationship.

seenitall

CDfm wrote: »

@IrishEyes - I think you misunderstand what I am saying. When you have a history of a relationship with someone their behavior is predictable. I have been in situations with an ex where it was easier for me to agree with what she said so I could get the hell out of there. Maybe the OH is doing the same because it is handy.

You know the old joke. I always wanted to meet Miss Right but i didnt know that her first name was Always.

You might say why would anyone do this and the reason would be that the behavior may be so like the past that its a quick fix to go. So OP you may well get the answer may be nothing happened but you are so insistant it has that your OH says fine it did and I am outta here.

The hard option here is to look at your own behavior and maybe even couple counselling for either staying together or how you conduvct yourselves in front of the child and co-parent.

Its a relationship and not an interrogation. Would I put up with it OP -No.Would I go to couple counselling with you - I dont honestly know as I dont know enough about the previous relationship.

Right. The guy admits to lying on another woman's bed kissing her only after he is caught red-handed having sent the other woman a flirty msg about "an amazing time", yet you figure it could all be in the OP's mind and she pressured the poor guy into a false confession??

Oh dear...

CDfm

seenitall wrote: »

Right. The guy admits to lying on another woman's bed kissing her only after he is caught red-handed having sent the other woman a flirty msg about "an amazing time", yet you figure it could all be in the OP's mind and she pressured the poor guy into a false confession??

Oh dear...

I am not saying that at all. I am only relating it to my own life experiences and suggesting that the OP go back over the events of the past few days to be certain that her interpretation of events matches up with reality.

You miss my point. If you have a "here we go again situation" that you want out of it is easy to agree to something that may not be true to get the outcome you want. People do that all the time.

I am not saying the OP is wrong but I am saying in the heat of the moment it is easy to jump to conclusions. I would dump a cheater myself but I would give myself a period of quite reflection to work it out first. If I couldnt work it out rationally I would talk to someone I could trust.

seenitall

I see.

Well, IMO (obviously), when someone is not even as bothered about their current relationship as for their first thought in this kind of situation to be getting out of a (in this case self-inflicted, may I add) pickle "easy", then that person has no business being in the said relationship in the first place. "People do it all the time"? What people? Not any people I would have any respect for, anyway, or recommend as partners to anyone I respect.

Relationships are for responsible grown-ups who work things through and tell the truth. This guy fails miserably whatever way you look at it.

ppink

It is of course possible that he just said "amazing time as usual" as a way of making the girl he has left feel better about the situation.....almost like I really like you and have a great time with you but I actually still love OP.

guest071010

CDfm wrote: »

OP -you werent there and don't know what happened.

Now if it were me in your OH's shoes and I was being accused anyway I would nod and go along with it. You have decided in your own mind he cheated and no matter what has happened you have filled in the blanks.

I am not saying you are trying to sabotage your relationship but you are trying to dictate how he should have treated his "ex".

Thats how I see it. Now , it may be that your OH is keeping his options open and we don't know what caused the original split.(nor do I want to know) or he might be behaving in a civilised way about it & this does not suit you.

So I have to ask myself is there less to this than meets the eye.

Hi CDfm, thanks for your input and opinion.. Maybe I haven't been clear in what I've said so far, although seenitall seems to have an excellent handle on the situation.. Firstly, I haven't decided in my own mind he cheated. I read the message and confronted him. First off he told me she kissed him and he pushed her away. But because of what he said in his message to her: "Had an amazing time with you as always " I knew that it couldn't have just been a kiss that he put a stop to. So when he was challenged he admitted to it being more than just a kiss but he didn't sleep with her. I could have asked for exact details of what they did together but I really don't see the point. He admitted to being intimate with her, he stayed with her for a few hours, in her bed, they had an amazing time. Ergo, he cheated.

Secondly, I am not trying to dictate how he should have treated her. I am simply saying under no circumstances should he have been intimate with her. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Thirdly, cheating on me with his ex is not him "behaving in a civilised way". It's disgusting and unforgivable.

I know I'm repeating myself now but it just boils down to one thing for me. Based on the fact that I had just agreed to take him back after him chasing me for 9 months, which was supposedly a dream come true for him, and if he truly loved me, he simply would not have been intimate with his ex when he was there to say goodbye.

CDfm

OP - I am not defending your OH but just saying take it easy.For me cheating is a no-no and I wish you all the best.

seenitall

ppink wrote: »

It is of course possible that he just said "amazing time as usual" as a way of making the girl he has left feel better about the situation.....almost like I really like you and have a great time with you but I actually still love OP.

Yes. Possible but not dam likely, given the revelations that followed.

It is also possible that it will snow in the South Pacific tomorrow.

CDfm

seenitall wrote: »

Yes. Possible but not dam likely, given the revelations that followed.

It is also possible that it will snow in the South Pacific tomorrow.

It is also a bit sad for the OP and her child that it is so. Then I am a bit of a romantic .

IrishEyes19

CDfm wrote: »

@IrishEyes - I think you misunderstand what I am saying. When you have a history of a relationship with someone their behavior is predictable. I have been in situations with an ex where it was easier for me to agree with what she said so I could get the hell out of there. Maybe the OH is doing the same because it is handy.

You know the old joke. I always wanted to meet Miss Right but i didnt know that her first name was Always.

You might say why would anyone do this and the reason would be that the behavior may be so like the past that its a quick fix to go. So OP you may well get the answer may be nothing happened but you are so insistant it has that your OH says fine it did and I am outta here.

The hard option here is to look at your own behavior and maybe even couple counselling for either staying together or how you conduvct yourselves in front of the child and co-parent.

Its a relationship and not an interrogation. Would I put up with it OP -No.Would I go to couple counselling with you - I dont honestly know as I dont know enough about the previous relationship.

I understand what you're saying, CDfm, prob is, from my experiences too its gone the other way, so I guess it really does chalk down to the individual. Point taken though. I guess also we'll never truly know what happens here either.

CDfm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I understand what you're saying, CDfm, prob is, from my experiences too its gone the other way, so I guess it really does chalk down to the individual. Point taken though. I guess also we'll never truly know what happens here either.

The OP is acting on her instincts here but her OH may also be.

The why's and wherefores are anyones guess.

seenitall

CDfm wrote: »

It is also a bit sad for the OP and her child that it is so. Then I am a bit of a romantic .

Sorry CDfm, but given I have been reading your posts on boards for a while now, I would describe you as anything BUT a romantic!

I don't mean anything "bad" by that either.

I am a friend

OP, I am not trying to kick you when you are down but the signs were there... He was trying to cop off with you when he was living with her. You were almost (except you chose not to be), the other woman... He cant say the relationship was dead as he was still sleeping with her until recently. He wanted out but was hedging his bets as he didnt want to be single in the middle.

There is NO excuse for a goodbye / closure talk moving from a car to a kitchen to the bedroom to hands all over each other...

You are very strong and you are very right. He is not, by all appearances, an honourable guy. He is weak, a liar and prone to being unfaithful - a leopard doesnt change his spots.

CDfm

seenitall wrote: »

Sorry CDfm, but given I have been reading your posts on boards for a while now, I would describe you as anything BUT a romantic!

I don't mean anything "bad" by that either.

I know you didn't and for the OP I wish it were not so but I always try to think things thru and the reality isn't always nice. It would be nice if life was fairer to some people.:)

Cheeky_gal

Thumbs up OP you did the right thing. You actually do sound like a proper lady, you're child is going to grow up very happy with you

All the best, and great decision- do not turn back

ilovefridays

moving from the kitchen table to the 'bed' :rolleyes:

i dont understand why he had to get closure?? he obviously still has feelings for her. any long term ex's i've had, we certainly didnt meet a month or two after we broke up , 'for closure'. the relationship is closed from the minute you call it a day. if this was closure then why was there FB messages afterwards. if i was in your shoes i'd feel like he was making a fool out of me behind my back.

your well rid, some ppl say 'ah but there's a kid involved' . thats BS. tell him to go back to her , cos you are worth more than that

if you do forgive him, how will you know if he is meeting up with her behind your back. you said she still loves him and was crying in the car, so im sure she is vunerable and will be sending him texts/mails now and again, asking hows things and fancy meeting up for a chat

guest071010

CDfm wrote: »

OP - I am not defending your OH but just saying take it easy.For me cheating is a no-no and I wish you all the best.

thanks CDfm

I am a friend wrote: »

OP, I am not trying to kick you when you are down but the signs were there... He was trying to cop off with you when he was living with her. You were almost (except you chose not to be), the other woman... He cant say the relationship was dead as he was still sleeping with her until recently. He wanted out but was hedging his bets as he didnt want to be single in the middle.

There is NO excuse for a goodbye / closure talk moving from a car to a kitchen to the bedroom to hands all over each other...

You are very strong and you are very right. He is not, by all appearances, an honourable guy. He is weak, a liar and prone to being unfaithful - a leopard doesnt change his spots.

yeah you're totally right, the signs were there.. I didn't ignore them entirely but didn't pay enough attention.. thanks for that

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Thumbs up OP you did the right thing. You actually do sound like a proper lady, you're child is going to grow up very happy with you

All the best, and great decision- do not turn back

aw thank you I most certainly will not be turning back.. onwards and upwards :cool:

ilovefridays wrote: »

moving from the kitchen table to the 'bed' :rolleyes:

i dont understand why he had to get closure?? he obviously still has feelings for her. any long term ex's i've had, we certainly didnt meet a month or two after we broke up , 'for closure'. the relationship is closed from the minute you call it a day. if this was closure then why was there FB messages afterwards. if i was in your shoes i'd feel like he was making a fool out of me behind my back.

your well rid, some ppl say 'ah but there's a kid involved' . thats BS. tell him to go back to her , cos you are worth more than that

if you do forgive him, how will you know if he is meeting up with her behind your back. you said she still loves him and was crying in the car, so im sure she is vunerable and will be sending him texts/mails now and again, asking hows things and fancy meeting up for a chat

yep clearly he does still have feelings for her.. he's a very messed up man.. I actually feel sorry for him.. he's lost so much.. but it isn't mine or my daughters fault that he's confused and weak and needs to grow up..

I was so upset when I first found out, devastated.. when I met with two days later I had come to the conclusion that he was confused and clearly didn't feel about me the way he thought he did.. but after speaking to him for an hour it became very apparent very quickly that he hadn't changed a bit in the time we were apart.. he's still so self absorbed, makes everything about him.. shouted me down when I tried to vent about what he'd done.. telling me how he felt cheated out of his family because he made one stupid mistake.. he didn't even apologise to my face.. w*nker.. anyway, I walked away from him that day with a sense of relief - thank God I'm realising all of this now and not two years down the line, possibly pregnant.. doesn't bear thinking about! :eek:

thks guys

I am a friend

guest071010 wrote: »

it became very apparent very quickly that he hadn't changed a bit in the time we were apart.. he's still so self absorbed, makes everything about him.. shouted me down when I tried to vent about what he'd done.. telling me how he felt cheated out of his family because he made one stupid mistake.. he didn't even apologise to my face..

OMG :eek::eek::eek::eek:

Well done to you!!! You have had a very lucky escape. Onwards and upwards and I hope you meet as man good enough for you